04x13 - The Criminal Kind

[bunniefuu]

How great is it that we finally have a TV in the bedroom?

What's the opposite of "great"?

[ Sighs ]

You were right.

He smells good.

Step off.

So, what did you guys think of the 1985 classic "The Breakfast Club"?

"Classic"? [ Chuckles ]

No one switched bodies.

And why does every movie and TV show need so much voiceover.

I mean, I hate thinking.

Why do I want to listen to someone else do it?

Voiceovers are a great storytelling device.

You can get out exposition fast, plus you get to see inside a character's head.

Jules: That's so stupid.

Is this my life now-- hanging out with the g*ng, having a son who's gone off to college but, for some reason, spends most of his time with me and other adults?

Still, I feel like there's a new experience for me just around the corner.

I wonder what's gonna happen this week.

[ Humming "Cougar Town" theme ]

You guys, I can do the thing Molly Ringwald does with the lipstick in her cleavage when I'm wearing a low-cut top.

Wait, who's this?

[ Laughter ]

Okay, they're all talking about "The Breakfast Club."

Get in there, but make it sound smart. And go.

I thought it sucked.

Nailed it!

What?!

Have you lost your mind?

He gave us the brat pack, Jules!

It was so dramatic.

When you're a kid, your problems aren't that important.

I don't know.

I feel pretty lucky to be alive.

So many close calls when I was younger.

I didn't know what it was called at the time.

But when I was 14, I got waterboarded.

Obviously, I've been arrested a bunch-- once for impersonating a cop, once for assaulting a cop, once for trying to have sex with a cop, which ironically is called a 10-69.

[ Laughter ]

It's not that funny.

Oh, honey, I don't think any of us here have had such a criminal past.

Uh... what I'm about to say deserves historical preservation.

It is Tuesday, April 2nd.

"I agree with Jelly."

[ Gasps ]

When I was a kid, I got in lots of trouble with the law.

I got busted being a male escort.

No sex, just over-the-clothes stuff, you know?

I sh*t someone.

I wish I had a funny follow-up, but I don't.

He didn't die, though.

I hate being the odd man out. Say something.

I don't always wear my seatbelt.

But, whatever. I don't care.

Yes, you do, you liar.

"Burn in hell, you sad, desperate, skank."

Texting your mom?

Yeah.

But I'm also gonna cut and paste it to whoever wrote this nasty yelp review about Krazy Kakes.

Yelp, huh? What do they say on there about gray's pub? - No.

If the internet has taught me one thing, it's that you don't read your own reviews.

Also, don't Google your name with the safe search off.

I once got drunk and gave this interview to Vi magazine about how Dr. Dre was the black Phil Collins.

Not everything that I said made sense.

Also, I was topless.

I ain't "scurred."

Okay, first review--

"Princess Bridezilla."

Ugh!

She is the worst!

"Gray's Pub. Good food.

Great drinks"-- score.

"Too bad the bartender is an obnoxious d*ck"?

[ Inhales sharply ]

Are you okay?

Please. Like I care about what some internet jackass thinks.

[ Laughs ]

Grayson: The whole world hates me!

It's 'cause I'm fat and gross.

I've been thinking--

I grew up on a farm.

And before I knew it, I had Travis.

So [Scoffs] you know, if my life didn't get in the way, I could have been a badass like you guys. - Oh.

Jules: I love her for letting that "badass" comment slide.

I bet she thinks I'm gonna let that "badass" comment slide.

You're not a badass.

If we knew each other when we were 16, and I asked you to drive the getaway car while I stole a case of vodka-- which happened-- what would you have said?

At 16? [ Chuckles ]

I would have said I'm not gonna drink my dreams away.

Because you're a goody-two-shoes.

I'm not a goody-two-shoes.

Oh, please. I bet you cannot even make a crank call.

Watch this.

Oh, hello? Uh, is your refrigerator running?

What? Oh, they turned your power off?

[ Sighs ] I know.

The economy is really tough on everyone.

My work here is done.

As usual, nothing too interesting happening over here in The Sea Story.

Never is.

This is true.

Yeah, and I'm starving.

Oh, well, that explains why I'm famished.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, with people I'm close to, I'm an empath.

Bobby: Just nod. Someone will explain what "empath" means.

I feel what everyone else is feeling.

Bobby gets hungry, I get hungry.

That's what an empath is, Trav-- someone who gets hungry when you get hungry. - Close.

Hey, Trav.

I saw you from the beach.

Want to go grab some fro-yo?

No, I don't think I'm up for it.

Okay. Bye.

Why was she so bummed out?

She wanted to hook up.

"Fro-yo" means casual sex.

Oh!

Makes sense because Riggs asked for Greek yogurt the other day and then she put her thumb in my butt.

I do not like Greek yogurt.

You know, I think I'm just tired of running around with random girls.

I mean, it was fun for a few months, but eventually sport-humping randos starts to feel a little empty.

Oh, that settles it. He's not my son.

Good for you, buddy!

Respect.

God, I am bored.

Maybe I should ruin Grayson's day.

Oof!

This comment says the d-bag bartender is so vain, he probably works out behind the bar.

How do you do that and keep your upper-body so still?

It's all about core strength.

No!

Okay.

See, you're obviously a giant bitch, but I'm getting bashed and I don't say anything mean to anyone.

You don't have to say anything.

The contempt is all over your face.

With you, it's all about "the look."

Oh, God, the look!

It's like staring into two tiny pools of judgment.

Exactly!

Tom: Ellie and I are a team.

The sexual tension has never been stronger.

You can try to hide it, but face it-- you are a hater.

And every single person in this bar knows exactly what you're thinking.

That's absurd.

Hey, can I get a beer?

Sure thing, Jerry.

Grayson: Nice t*nk top.

You might want to bring your chest along next time.

You know what? Forget it.

That was it.

It's the look.

Okay, great.

Yeah, I will leave a key in the mailbox, and you and your family can come shower.

Bye.

Damn it!

Ellie is right-- I don't know how to get in trouble.

Don't bum out, Jules.

Not everyone is blessed with our God-given lack of judgment.

Look, if you want to stir up some trouble, we can help.

I'm 43. What the hell kind of trouble can I get into?

My hospital has all the ingredients you'd need to cook some grade-A crystal meth.

Just FYI.

I'm not gonna steal dr*gs, Tom.

But you could steal something small.

I'll come with!

I need a new hairdryer.

Ooh! If we go to a grocery store, I'm in.

I'm starved.

Let's do this!

Yeah!

Hey, where you guys going?

We're going to rob a grocery store!

Whoo-hoo!

Have fun!

Okay, I'm about to break the law. Act natural. Cool store.

I can't wait to get all the stuff I need and pay for it.

Are you okay?

I have to pee again.

Is that a camera?

Pretty sure it's a sprinkler head.

J-bird, I'd love to stay and watch you pull your first Schneider, but--

What's that?

It's a buddy of mine who steals a lot.

Oh. - But I can't do anything until I eat something.

[ Gasps ] Oh, crap, that's the store manager.

He looks pretty sharp.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, hey, champ, someone just dropped a whole carton of eggs in the dairy section.

Go clean it up.

All right. Geez.

[ Chuckles ]

Here you go, beautiful.

People think I'm a d*ck?

Fine. I'll just fake it and act nice.

Here's the flaw in your plan-- watch this.

Tom, I am so happy that you're part of our g*ng now.

Wow. Really?

No.

See? I have the ability to say things I don't mean.

You don't.

That's not something to be proud of.

Sure it is.

Tom, didn't you feel good when I said that?

It was amazing.

For a moment there, I felt like my wife was alive again.

You're welcome.

Now you say something nice to Dr. Bullethead.

Tom, you are...

Come on, man.

Let it out.

I got nothing.

Travis: Man, I need someone to talk to.

What about Andy?

Eh, he probably doesn't want to be bothered.

Andy: I see you looking.

Please come over and talk to me.

Please? Please?

Andy, you got a sec?

Oh, wow.

Not really, Trav, but I'll make one for you.

Remember that girl at the boat?

Well, I ran into her at a barbecue, and I was feeling lonely, so... I took her home.

Aw, yeah!

But when things started to heat up, I couldn't... y-you know, m-my guy, he wouldn't...

I couldn't get it up!

Ha ha!

I'm so sorry, kiddo.

That-- that's tough.

My dad would say it's no biggie and tell me to tape chopsticks to it, so...

Look, it's no big deal.

Huge deal.

It's gonna be okay.

Travis: Really?

Andy: No.

Jules: Relax. You can steal something.

Lord knows you've stolen plenty of hearts.

[ Chuckles ] Good one. I should tell Laurie.

This should be easy.

I've stolen plenty of hearts.

Laurie: Wow. Pretend you didn't hear that.

Look, I know you're nervous, but stealing is all instinct, like breathing or having sex on a bike.

Okay. Say I want to steal this lip balm.

I casually grab it, I check it out, but, no, I changed my mind.

I'm gonna put it back.

Or did I?

[ Gasps ]

So all shoplifters are magicians?

Okay, well, I can't be discreet.

You know, I'm loud.

I like attention.

I mean, look at the cleavage I'm rocking.

I could put a frisbee in there.

So shove a frisbee in there and let's get going.

I get why you're nervous.

I never had the stones to Schneider anything.

You're stealing food right now.

That is not true.

I will not leave the store with any of this.

Bobby: Well, that's airtight Bobby Cobb logic right there.

Hey, you're out of limes.

Whoa, yikes!

What the hell is that?

From now on, my customers, I'm gonna have a good-natured smile on my face.

What do you think?

"Hi.

May I wear your skin suit?"

Maybe you'll seem less creepy if you think of something that actually makes you happy.

Grayson: Remember when you were a model?

Good times. I'm still pretty hot.

Damn it, I'm proud of my body.

I'm proud of my butt. Feel your butt.

That's your property. It's not weird.

I don't know what you're thinking, but it's like watching a gay p*rn with just one dude in it.

Ah. There's the hate-filled look we've all grown to love.

I've got to go.

I owe Andy an afternoon quickie.

He told my cousin I d*ed so I wouldn't have to go to the baby shower.

That's sweet.

I don't get it.

Why isn't it working?

Andy: Quick, what was the BS you told Trav?

This happens to every guy.

It's no big deal.

Huge deal!

Don't be upset, Boo.

Don't get me wrong-- this still counts 'cause I'm ready and able.

But if you can't do it, that's on you.

Come on!

Seriously, come on!

I have sympotence!

What?

Sympotence!

You-- you couldn't get it up, and I'm an empath-- sympathy impotence-- sympotence!

I didn't know you had people over.

All right, I'm going for the lip balm.

I'm going to casually walk over there and take it.

Then I'm gonna Tom Cruise-sprint the hell out of here. - No, honey.

I want you to act like you did when Travis was born.

Remember?

You told me that he had a little cough and they wouldn't let you see him right away.

Right.

So you want me to be quiet and stealthy.

No one will know I'm taking my baby.

Okay. This is a go.

Jules: Can't do it.

I was so close.

My heart was b*ating so fast, I just panicked.

I have to pee again, worse than ever.

Excuse me!

Can I look in your purse?

Of course you can.

I tried to steal something, but I couldn't.

I'm gonna try again later.

Not here. Maybe.

Oh, no, no.

That's-- that's not mine.

I told you I needed a new hairdryer.

Right this way, ladies.

Oh!

Grocery-store jail?

Seriously?

And that's when I knew my life would never be the same.

How can you be so calm?

They're calling the cops.

They're gonna take us downtown!

You know, I can't ride in the backseat. I get carsick.

Laurie: Insane, desperate thought coming in three, two, one...

How far are you willing to go sexually to get us out of here?

I say third base is where I draw the line.

High-school third base or naked-backstage-at-coachella third base?

Well, they both sound horrible.

PS-- Mumford is a very classy guy.

The "Sons" -- not so much.

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughing ] Come on, Richard, I'm still digesting!

I mean, technically everything is still in the store.

What's she doing?

[ Grunts ] If you don't want to be someone's bitch, you've got to get ripped.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Look, not all bartenders are well-liked.

Why are you even here?

Hmm?

All I ever wanted was a little place with my name on it where people liked to hang out.

Is that all you ever wanted?

[ Imitates sobbing ]

Oh, my God.

If I knew you'd be such a giant wuss about this, I would have never written that stuff.

You're Princess Bridezilla?

Why? Why-- why would you t*rture me?

Eh. Andy needed a break.

We're surrounded by a sea of nice people--

Jules, Trav, Andy.

We're the only ones that hate people for no reason.

The g*ng needs us.

We balance them out.

I do feel better about myself when I'm judging others.

It works for you.

I think it's kind of sexy.

Yeah?

Yeah. I'd do you.

You know, if Jules and Andy d*ed in a car crash.

Ellie: Or if just Jules d*ed.

Just be who you are.

Thanks.

Excuse me! Those grapes aren't free.

Sorry.

Grayson: Sorry you're a grown man who wears a name tag.

I didn't mean to go back to your original self that second.

Shh! There's no talking in grocery-store jail.

You haven't stopped since we got here.

I found an old box of old pudding cups.

Anybody want in?

Travis: I wonder if this is the worst moment of my life this year or if it's the worst moment ever.

So, let's talk about what's going on with you, sexually.

Ever.

Okay, we fix you, we fix me, right?

So I called in a doctor.

Hey, Trav.

All right, lose the pants.

Let's see the noodle.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Jules: I couldn't even steal lip balm. I'm so lame.

I bet everyone's thinking about what a dork I am.

Laurie: I wonder if Trav's butt is more pale than the rest of his body, but is that even possible?

Bobby: Man, I shouldn't have eaten so much of that tuna fish and those puddin' cups, and then they're to nothing rum-a-tums.

What the hell did I just think?

Grayson: Wow. I wish I had Bobby's beautiful eyes.

His eyes with my face and body would cause a total panty tsunami.

Ellie: I love all these people so much, but I'll never tell them.

Jules: I love you, too, Ellie.

All right, people, apparently the police are too busy to come down.

They don't have time for grand theft grape? Shocking.

You're all free to go after you write an essay, describing to me who you think you are and what gives you the right to steal from my store.

Richard, thank you for being so kind.

Richard: Store this moment away, Richard.

Take it out and play with it later.

[ Scoffs ] You hugged him?

Man, you really are a goody-two-shoes.

Or am I? [ Laughs ]

I stole his pen!

I did it!

I stole something!

Oh, honey, good for you.

Whoo!

♪ Come see about me ♪

[ Breathes deeply ]

Physically, he's fine.

By the way, nice to meet another guy whose bacon hangs left of his eggs.

We should start a club.

Oh, well, it was probably just a one-time thing.

Go find one of your nerdy gal pals and see if you can get that hobbit saber to fire up.

Look, I tried playing the field, and after a while, it just didn't feel good, so now I don't feel anything for anybody.

What about Laurie?

No, it just... took me a year to bury those feelings, and I don't even want to think about her.

If you have real feelings for someone, you can't just shove them in a deep, dark place and hope they go away.

You're gonna have to deal with them.

♪ Don't you forget about me ♪

Look at it.

This pen is totally worth how hard Richard pressed against me when we hugged.

[ Chuckles ]

Um, hey, I still don't get it.

Why was it so important to you to steal something?

I don't know.

Jules: Come on, Jules.

This is the end of this week's adventure. Sum it up.

The truth is, getting married and having a kid so young, I just always felt like I missed out on so much.

Took me forever to find the courage just to take chances-- whether it's trying to do something that I've never done or-- or saying something that I've always wanted to say, or... doing something crazy for love.

I promise you this-- the only things you will ever regret are the things that you didn't do.

♪ Down, down, down, down ♪

[ Sighs ]

Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to spend a whole day in grocery-store jail for whatever it is that we did wrong, but we think you're crazy for having us write an essay telling who we think we are.

You see us as you want to see us-- in the simplest terms.

But what we found out is that each one of us is a goody two-shoes...

♪ As you walk on by ♪

Bobby: And a freeloader...

Grayson: And a d*ck-- a handsome d*ck...

Ellie: And a fire starter...

♪ As you walk on by ♪

Laurie: And a criminal.

♪ When you call my name ♪

Hey.

Look, listen-- don't interrupt me because if I don't say this now, I never will.

Um...

[ Breathes deeply ]

I like you.

Like, I really like you.

Me, too.

So, now what?

♪ I say la ♪
♪ la la la la, la la la la ♪

Jules: Sincerely yours, the grocery-store club.

♪ La la la la ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ doing it our way ♪
♪ never gonna let them take control ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ and we're doing it our way ♪
♪ giving it everything, whoa ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪
♪ on our way ♪
♪ let's go ♪