04x05 - Buck Begins

Tom Petty's "You Don't Know How It Feels"...

Okay, Evan.

This is it.

You ready?


♪ Let me run with you tonight ♪ ♪ I'll take you on a moonlight ride ♪ Oh.


♪ There's someone I used to see ♪ ♪ But she don't give a damn for me ♪ You sure you don't wanna go back to training wheels?


You're doing great.

Just get a feel for it.

But you're not gonna let go.

I'm not gonna let go.

You let go!

You're doing it, Evan!

I'm doing it!


Oh, my God.



I forgot turning.

Turn the wheel, Evan, and lean a little!

Turn and lean!

- Watch yourself, kid!

- Yes!


Yes, yes, yes!

You did it!

You did it!

Keep it coming!

Buckleys for the win!

Buckleys for the...



- Ow.

- Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Ow.

- Shh, shh, shh.

What is going on?

Maddie, what did you do to him?

He's fine.

- You're all right, okay, bud?

- Mommy.

Where did you get that?

I found it in the garage under some junk.


Margaret, I...


- No, honey...

- No.


You should've left it where it was.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Take your brother in the house.

He was seven when you were born.

He was gone a year later.

That's why you don't remember him.

How did he die?

Juvenile leukemia.

He got sick right after that photo was taken.

Life changed for ever after that.

Three years of doctors and hospitals, every treatment they could find, but... nothing worked.

I don't understand why no one told me.

I mean, I had a brother.

They were in shock.

After he died.

They packed up his things.

We moved to a new town.

They made me promise never to tell you.

No, it doesn't make any sense.

They were grieving.

I think they still are.

So I was born in the middle of all of that.

Of him being sick.




I'm surprised they didn't try a bone marrow transplant.

None of us were a match.

Not Dad, not Mom...

not me.

They couldn't find a match.

So they made one.


You were a match.

But then the cells didn't graft.

Daniel had a relapse.

I wanted to tell you so many times.

But the more time that went by, it just got harder, you know?

And I'm so sorry.

Evan, please don't leave.

Just talk to me.

What were you thinking?

That my brother felt unloved and alone and I didn't want him to think that it was his fault, so I told him.

Well, it wasn't your place.

I'm not a kid anymore.

You can't tell me my place.

Watch the way you speak to your mother.

This isn't her fault.

It's not mine either.

You know, it wasn't my decision to pack up my dead brother's things, move to a new town, and pretend like he never existed.

We didn't have a choice!

You don't remember what it was like.

The way people looked at us, talked about us, judged us for having Evan.

And it only got worse after Daniel died.

And your mother was in no state to deal with all of that, so I thought, "Let's move." Fresh start, for everybody.

You're not a mother yet.

You don't understand that kind of loss.

What it does to you.

You disappeared into your grief and left me and Evan to fend for ourselves.

Maddie, that's not fair.

We tried.

Not hard enough.


I don't understand why you kept it.

- We decided...

- I know.

I just wanted one thing to remember him by.

We live with the reminder every day.

- Staring us in the face.

- All right, no...

Isn't that enough for you?



I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Let me see how bad it is.

They're really mad.

They're not mad.



They were yelling.

A lot.

Sometimes, people do that when they care too much.

They overreact and they feel bad about it later.

You're not in trouble.


I promise.



What do you say we go to the store, get you a new bike?

- Really?

- Yeah.

I'll get my keys.

Hey, maybe we'll grab some ice cream on the way back.

They're really not mad.

Told you.

It's just what happens when they worry.


♪ Somebody once told me ♪ ♪ The world is gonna roll me ♪ ♪ I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed ♪ ♪ She was looking kind of dumb ♪ ♪ With her finger and her thumb ♪ ♪ In the shape of an I ♪ ♪ On her forehead ♪ ♪ Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming ♪ ♪ Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running ♪ ♪ Didn't make sense not to live for fun ♪ ♪ Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb ♪ ♪ So much to do, so much to see ♪ ♪ So what's wrong with taking the backstreets? ♪ ♪ You'll never know if you don't go ♪ ♪ You'll never shine if you don't glow ♪ ♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star ♪ ♪ Get your game on, go play ♪ Evan!

♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪ ♪ Only shooting stars break the mold ♪ ♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪ What?

♪ Only shooting stars break the mold ♪ This explains so much about you.

It's a miracle that you even survived childhood.

It's a miracle he survived yesterday.

It was the only way I could get their attention.

Guess now we know why.

They never wanted another kid.

They just had me for parts.

Defective parts, as it turned out.

Hey, that's not on you.

I doubt they would agree.

Have you talked to them about it?

What am I gonna say?

"Hey, I'm really sorry about your dead son, but can we just talk about me for a minute?" Daniel wasn't their only son.

You matter too, Buck.



just not to them.

Sorry I'm late, Cap.

Hey, can we talk in private?

No need.

Come on.

They all heard the story.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

- Believe me, I wanted to...

- I get it.

Maddie put you in a tough spot.

She does that.

You need to call her, Buck.

She really wants to talk to you.

So what did you wanna talk about?

Heard you got grounded again.

What'd you do?

I tried out for the football team.

And that got you grounded?

Well, someone had to sign the permission slip.

Hmm, guessing it wasn't either of our parents.

Figured they'd just say no.

You know how they are.

They suck.

Where are we?

We used to live here.


I thought we always lived in Hershey.

Guess you wouldn't remember.

You were really little then.

Why'd we move?

Okay, I need to tell you something, and it's gonna sound crazy, but I need you to listen.

Is that him again?

Hold on.

Hey, babe.


I'm with Evan.

No, not yet.

Of course I'll be home for dinner.

Okay, love you too.

Why's he always gotta know what you're doing?

It's sweet.

He cares about me.

I don't like him.

So you were gonna tell me something crazy?

Doug got accepted to medical school.

In Boston.

He asked me to go with him, and I said yes.

I applied to some nursing schools.

I'm gonna go nights so I can work during the day, pay for it myself.

That way.

I won't need to ask Mom and Dad for anything ever again.

You're leaving me?

Boston's not that far.

And I'm just a phone call away whenever you need me.


Can't get rid of me that easy.

Just wanted to make sure you were okay 'cause you're not answering my calls.

Please just give me a chance to...

29 years.

Why is it now suddenly such an emergency?

Because you won't talk to me.

And you're here, working, and you probably shouldn't be.

No, you don't get to take that away from me too.

I wasn't trying...

We were supposed to be a team.

Us versus them.

That's what we always said.

But it turns out it was the three of you against me the whole time.

And now, you're not here for me.

You're here to make yourself feel better.

Station 51, fifth alarm.

Industrial complex fire.

2351 East Boulevard.

Okay, five-alarm fire.

We're third on the scene.

Captain Mehta from the 133 is IC.

It's his show.

You guys know what to do.

Gear up and stand by for a size-up.

Hand sanitizer factory.

32 workers inside.

We've accounted for 20.

Sprinkler system's overtaxed, nonfunctional.

We're trying to get the water flowing again.

You can see where the hot zones are.

That could change at any second.

- Accelerants?

- Everywhere.

We have no idea where they're stored.

They didn't file a certificate with the city?

They did when they were a perfume factory.

Converted to sanitizer when the pandemic hit.

The place is packed with flammables, so, basically, it's a minefield in there.

And a large one, so you stay with your teams.

If you need to split off, you remember your hose line is your lifeline.

You get lost, you find a wall.

There are still 12 workers in there unaccounted for.

Eddie and I will be joining the 133, searching on the Charlie side.

Hen, Chim, Buck, you will be running a team with two firefighters from the 141.

Your entry point is the alpha side.

Let's go!

- Copy that, Cap!

- Copy that.

Hey, Buck.

Not now, Chim.

You know you can't run away from this forever, right?

Sure I can.

It's the Buckley family way.

It's gonna be so weird without you.

Do Mom and Dad know yet?

Maddie, we need to talk.

Doug called.

- He told us about Boston.

- Oh, God.

She's going to nursing school.

You should congratulate her.

Oh, don't be stupid, Evan.

This is not good news.

- Don't talk to him like that.

- Evan?

Why would you agree to go with him?

Because I love him and he loves me.

I need to tell you something.

I'm leaving, Evan.

♪ Ha, I am in pieces ♪ ♪ I have come unglued ♪ ♪ The wounds are deep ♪ ♪ They may never heal ♪ ♪ You wanna know? ♪ ♪ Pain's so real ♪ ♪ Pain's so real ♪ ♪ Pain's so real Coming through!

Coming through!

Whoa, watch out!

Knock it down, boys!

To the left.

IC, this is Buckley, 118.

I got level four flammables inside the west side entry.

Looks like about ten pressurized drums.

Copy that, Buckley.

Sprinkler systems are still down, so I'm sending in foam.

All right, guys, let me know the level of involvement up ahead.

The victims are toward that side of the building.

Copy that.

I wouldn't say all clear, but definitely clear enough for us to keep on moving.

This way's no good.


Let's keep going.

Wait, wait, here.

Someone put towels under this door to keep the smoke out.

Hey, I got people inside!

Go, go, go, go!

Scott, Lorenzo, let's go!

Try to remain calm.

We're gonna get you out of here, okay?

IC, Captain Nash here.

Be advised we have located seven victims, but we've had some accelerants ignite up here.

We are separated from two of our team.

Sending them back out.

You guys hear that?

They need help.

That's clear across the factory!

They lost two guys!

We got plenty here.

I should go.

You're not wrong, Buck.

And I don't say that to you very often.


Be careful!

- Oh, Maddie...

- Omar, did you give colitis guy Ibuprofen?

Because that could trigger symptoms...

Hang on.

There's some kid in Exam 3.

He insists on seeing you.

Says you pinky sweared.

I don't know what that is, but he won't leave.

Maddie, you've gotta help me.

Evan, what happened?

I crashed my bike.

- You what?

- No, I'm all right.

They patched me up at Presbyterian, but I needed to see you, like, right away.

Omar, this is my brother, Evan.

Oh, yeah.

The football star.

Yeah, hey.

Let me know if you need anything.

Maybe a sedative.

Are you okay?

No concussion?

Look, I can't go home.

What are you talking about?

I got kicked out of school.


Wait, how do you even get kicked out of community college?

Maybe you use your tuition money to make some cool modifications on your bike.


There were also some keg parties that I bankrolled.

Do they know about this?


No, not yet, but if I go home like this, they're gonna find out a lot faster.

What do you want me to do?

Can't I just stay with you?

I mean, I've hardly seen you since you and Doug moved back, and you got that nice big house, you know, maybe with a nice big guest room?

It's Doug, isn't it?

He hates me.

No, no, no.

He doesn't.

He does not hate you.

It's just...

things are complicated at home.

Well, try my home.

It's got so much worsened since you've left, all right.

Mom and Dad think I'm a total loser, and I'm not, Maddie.

I'm not, okay?

I'm gonna be something.

I just...

I don't know what it is yet.

Hey, of course you will.

The way they look at me...

through me...

I can't live with that anymore.

Look, we're gonna figure something out, okay?

I promise.

IC, be advised.

That last explosion took out most of the supports in here.

Structural integrity is not good.

All teams, all teams, be advised.

We are evacuating the structure.

Repeat, full evacuation is in effect.

IC, this is Buckley.

One team found seven victims.

Others got four.

Means there's still someone in here.

Yeah, we are aware, Buckley.

But it's too unstable.

We're just gonna leave someone behind?

It's too dangerous to continue.

You need to pull out, now.

Copy you.

On the move.

Evacuate the building now!

That's an order!

You're reckless.

You do dangerous things without giving them a second thought.

You think you're indestructible, but you're not!

People die!

- Children die!

- Margaret...

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that the world is an uncertain place, Evan, and you have to protect yourself.

We can't do it for you.

What were you even doing in that part of town?

Why weren't you in class?


- Evan?

- Where are you going?



The timing was kinda awesome, actually.

They were just asking me about...


Get out.

What is this?



Your way out of here.

Away from them.

Wait, you...

You're giving me the Jeep?

Are you serious?

Does Doug know?

Look, I can give you a little bit of money to get started, and then you can go anywhere you want.

I mean, this is amazing, but where am I gonna go?

It doesn't matter.

The point is to go as far away as you can, and...

be happy.

'Cause that's what you did?

- Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

- Oh, come on, Maddie.

You don't have to pretend with me, all right?

I know things aren't okay with Doug.

It's like I said.

It's just complicated.

You know, most marriages are.

Hey, what if you came with me?

No more Mom and Dad.

No more Doug.

Just you and me against the world.

You and me in the world.

Mom would love it if I left him.

It would be I-told-you-so's until the day she died.

That's not a reason to stay miserable.

- But where would we even go?

- Doesn't matter.

The point is to go.

Oh, I did just say that, didn't I?

- What would I tell Doug?

- Don't tell him anything.

You just leave him a note.

He works the rest out when you don't come home.




Let's get the hell out of here.


Anyone in here?

Hey, hey!

Hey, I can hear you!

Keep making those noises.

I'm on my way.




Hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, are you hurt?

I am lost.

Too much smoke.

It's okay.

I'm gonna get you out of here.

Can you breathe?

This is helping.

The fire is not.

Then let's make it quick.

Come on.

Stay low.

Over here.

Come on.

All right, back this way.

Through here.

Come on.

I believe we are both lost now.

Oh, Evan, Evan.

Oh, hey.

Maddie's friend, right?

Hey, have you seen her?

I was supposed to pick her up here, but I can't find her and she's not answering her phone.

Yeah, she left this for you.

Dear Evan, I'm sorry to tell you this way, but I can't leave with you.

For one crazy minute, I really thought I could do it.

But then reality set in and I realized that my life is here.

But yours isn't.

It's still ahead of you, and I want you to find it.

Find the thing that makes you happy.

The people that make you feel loved.

This is your time now, Evan.

Go find your place in the world and never look back.


I think I see an exterior wall.

Let us hope it is equipped with a door.

Hey, what's your name?

- Saleh.

- Saleh.

I think we're gonna have to walk across this gantry.

You think you can make it?

I would like nothing more than to make it.

Same here.

Let's do it.

Move, move, move!

Hang on!


Mailroom just sent this up.

It's from your brother.

Dear Maddie, bet you're surprised to hear from me.

I'm done being mad at you.


Been bouncing up and down the East Coast for a few months now picking up some odd jobs.

Haven't found my place yet, but I've met some cool people.

Though no one as cool as you.

I miss you.


I'm sending these to the hospital 'cause I don't trust Doug not to toss them in the trash.

Have you left him yet?

♪ I could have been a sailor ♪ ♪ Could have been a cook I finished school! Bartending school.

I'm the coolest mixologist in Virginia Beach.

I met this girl who likes to surf and I started learning.

I really like the ocean.

Maybe it's 'cause I never got to see it as a kid.

When I'm out there, it just feels like there's nothing but possibility.

There's no stopping me now.

Nick Drake's "One of These Things First"...

I stopped bartending.

And surfing.

That thing with the girl seriously did not work out.

I'm doing construction now, working with these guys who frame houses all over.

Guess it's kinda fun.

Just me and the Jeep going wherever the work takes us.

♪ I could have been your pillar ♪ The Jeep took me all the way across the country.

When I got to California, decided I'm gonna try and become a Navy SEAL.

You don't have to fully enlist, and we know how much I like the ocean.

I think Mom and Dad would be proud.

I mean, these are the guys that got Bin Laden.

The baddest of badasses, right?


He quit the SEALs.

Are you supposed to be reading those?

I'm living vicariously.

Oh, and he sent another pic.

Is he gonna be an Indian next, because I feel like he's working his way through the Village People.

Oh, my God.

I quit the SEALs.

They wanted robots with red eyes, and that ain't me.

I'm working on this dude ranch, and it is serious.

Big Sky country's beautiful too, but I gotta say, I do miss the ocean.

I made it back to the ocean.

It's gonna be too cold here soon, though, so I'm thinking of checking out Peru.

Why Peru?

One of my old ranch hand buddies tends bar down there now.

I'm gonna be a mixologist again.

Funny how life comes full circle.

Full circle.

More like going in circles.

Speaking Spanish...

Yo, bartender!

Otra cerveza, por favor.

Ah, coming right up.

Dude, we were just talking about you.

Hershey, PA?

That is so cool.

That's, like, where chocolate was invented, man.

Actually, it was invented down here.

It was the Olmecs in ancient Mexico...


Here you go, man.


Yo, you should come to LA with us, bruh.

We got this bitching craftsman in Arcadia.

You'd fit right in.

Ocean's only an hour away.

You guys all live together?


Kind of a family.

"You go, we go." Like the movie?

So tell me about LA.


Thank you for attempting to save me.

It appears this vat had a different plan.

It is also very heavy.

I'm gonna need you to try and stay calm, okay?

I'm gonna get this thing off you.

I'm gonna get you out of here.

You will need to hurry.

Let's get 02 on these people and get a wide open line of fluids.

- Watch your step.

- Head over there.

Where's Buck?

Could ask you the same question.

He split off when you lost two of your guys.

IC, this is Buckley, 118.

Buckley, did you ignore my direct order to evacuate?

- He does that sometimes.

- I got the last victim.

But this sanitizer has ignited all around me.

I wanna say I'm near the northeast corner Delta wall, but I'm not sure.

Sure could use some sprinkler action.

They online yet?


We got you.

Hang tight.

We're gonna get you both out.

Rick team, Rick team, deploy.

Delta entrance, repeat, Delta entrance, northeast corner.

Rescue team's coming to you, Buckley.

Copy you.

Not going anywhere.

Dear Maddie, hope you're still getting these.

California is amazing.

I think you'd like it here.

It's a hard place to feel sad.

Maybe it's all the sunshine.

Today is my first day as a probationary firefighter.

That's right.

I made it through.

Wish me luck.


There were three other Evans in my class, so everyone calls me Buck now.

I kinda like it.

- Cap.

- Yup.


Evan Buckley, new recruit?

I was told to report to Captain Nash.

- You know a Captain Nash?

- Mm-mm.





Take a seat, Evan.

Uh, Buck.

Everyone just calls me Buck.

Welcome to the 118, Buck.

Thank you.

This is amazing.

Is it always like this?


Well, when Bobby's in the captain's chair, anyways.

Then I might be in the right place.

You okay?

This is a relative term.

But I am all right.

What are you looking for?

I was a fire marshal once.

This is a factory.

They're required to have fire extinguishers three feet off the...


Okay, I think I got one, Sa...


Here you go.

Just breathe.

Just breathe.

But how will you breathe?

I'm gonna hold it.

For how long?

As long as I can.


I got it!


Hey, come on.

Come on.




♪ So far from who I was ♪ ♪ From who I love ♪ ♪ From who I want to be ♪ So far from being free ♪ ♪ Of the past that's haunting me ♪ ♪ The future I just can't touch ♪ You okay?

I got lost, Bobby.

I went off on my own, and two seconds later, I didn't know where the hell I was standing.

Buck, that place is a maze.

And no one was surprised that you stayed in there, Buck.

I almost gave up.

If you guys hadn't come in, then...

But we did.

And we always will.

They said it was a big one.

They weren't kidding.

Firefighter Buckley here pulled out the very last victim.

Of course he did.

Yeah, then everyone else had to pull me out.

Well, I'm sure whoever you saved is just glad you were being Buck.

I don't even know what that means.

You never give up.

That's what being Buck means to me.

But whatever you do, don't stop.

Clean bill of health from the docs.

Glad to hear it.


I had to do it.

I know you did.

You got some visitors.


Hope you weren't...

waiting long.

The other firefighters were very kind.

We got to hear a lot of stories about you.

They seem to like you a great deal.

Yeah, I...

I like them too.

I don't even know where to start.

I'm sorry.

About Daniel.

I can't imagine what that must have felt like to not be able to save someone you love.




That is...

that's what people who know me...

That's what they call me.



You have to know, we never blamed you.

None of this was your fault.

I still wish I could've done more.


you were born to save someone.

And that's what you do.

Every day.

We are so proud of you.

Did that go okay?


Yeah, I think so.

Is it gonna be okay with Maddie?

Chim, I can't...

You're totally allowed to be mad at her.

But if you can find a way to forgive them, you've gotta find a way to forgive her.

She should've told me.

She didn't want you to think that you weren't wanted.

That you weren't loved.

You know what?

I wasn't.

Yes, you were.

By her.

She sent me away, Chim.

I needed her, and she wasn't there.

She just handed me keys to a car, sent me on my way so that I didn't mess up her life.

The Jeep?

That's what you're talking about?

Of course you know about that.

More than you, apparently.

Dear Evan, I'm sorry to tell you this way, but I can't leave with you.

For one crazy minute, I really thought I could do it.

But then reality set in and I realized that my life is here.

You should've gone with him.

I think Doug made it pretty clear what would happen if I left.

- Maybe your brother could help.

- No.

Evan should never know.


Did you...

I'm gonna give you guys a minute.

So Mom and Dad came to the firehouse.

Wanted me to forgive them.

I did.


That must have been difficult.

The thing is, not really.

'Cause it's hard to feel betrayed by someone that you didn't really think you could count on anyway.

And easy to lash out on the person that you know is always gonna forgive you.

I know that I hurt you.

And if I could take it back...

But I keep thinking about that.

What life would be like if I would've known.

Would I still be me?

Oh, I'm pretty sure you would always be Buck.

Would you...

would you tell me about Daniel?

I can't ask Mom and Dad, but I would like to know what he's like.


Yeah, it would be nice to talk about him again.

Tell me the truth.

I don't have one of these, do I?

You know what?

Stay right there.

I don't have a box, but here.

You kept these?

Why, you thought I would throw them away?

When you left Doug, you only had two suitcases.

And everything that mattered the most was inside them.

No matter how hard it got, I always had these.

Nick Drake's "Northern Sky"...

I always had you.

♪ I never felt magic crazy as this ♪ ♪ I never saw moons, knew the meaning of the sea ♪ Well, you need to be more careful.

Because if this had happened when you were alone, you could have died.

I'm gonna be something.

I just...

I don't know what it is yet.

Hey, of course you will.

Being a firefighter is my life.

Without that, I don't have...

You will still be Buck.


And we will all love you.


Come on!

You're never gonna be left behind.


No matter what.

You promise?

I promise.

♪ Would you love me ♪ ♪ For my money? ♪ I promise.

♪ Would you love me till I'm dead?

♪ ♪ Oh, if you would and you could ♪ We always had each other.

♪ Come blow your horn on high ♪