04x09 - Episode Nine

Oh, look. There's your girlfriend.

She's not my...

Ooh, ooh. Hoo hoo! Almost got me there.

Almost.

She's got this idea... [Chuckles] you might be...

What? in love with me.

In love with you? [Laughs]

Well, you don't have to say it like that.

Promise me you will stay away from Carol.

She's my friend.

I'm begging you. The last thing you need is to get between two lesbians.

Or 1 1/2 lesbians, or whatever Carol is right now.

I'm not gonna be a f*cking game show host.

This could be serious money for you, and right now, you need serious money.

I don't have to like you. You don't have to like me.

Not to worry.

We are professional.

Like two old whores.

Who won't we f*ck?

[Both laughing]

I'm excited about this.

I know you are.

[Keys clacking]

[Wind blows]

[Quirky music]

[Gunshot]

Hi. [Giggles]

By the way, enjoy this, because it's the last time I am meeting you here.

I think it's fun.

Fun doesn't usually smell like this.

So you pick a place.

Well, you have to agree, it's insane.

At what point can we stop living in fear of your girlfriend?

Uh... uh, excuse me?

Hi.

Would you give us a moment, please?

We're kind of using this space.

Okay.

All right.

I am just...

[Clatter]

I am just...

[Clatter]

I am... I am just... put... put...

[Slamming]

Ooh. [Chuckles]

Okay.

All right.

I am just putting this out there.

Tomorrow morning, I am going on a hike by myself, alone, 7:30, our usual spot.

Do with that what you will.

Okay, got ya. [Clicks tongue]

Let me say this.

Life was simpler before you became a lesbian.

A lesbian? [Laughs]

I'm not a lesbian.

Really? What would you call it?

I don't know.

I feel uncomfortable with labels.

Well, label or not, if you open a can and there's beans in it, it's a can of beans.

[Coughs]

Where were you?

Uh, just stepped out for some fresh air.

What?

Once the contestants are in the boxes, we begin the questionings.

Okay.

Yeah.

Merc: You ask them questions.

If they get them right, they get points.

By the way, it's obviously too late for the pilot, but if this thing goes, maybe think about a few trips to the gym.

[Chuckles] I f*cking go to the gym.

Yeah, well, maybe less with the juice bar and more with the machines.

[Chuckles] Just saying.

[Both chuckling]

Seriously?

This is coming from you? Just saying.

Hey, I'm not the one in front of the camera.

I don't have to be pretty.

Mission accomplished.

Uh.

Gentlemen?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Go on.

The contestants can use their advantages in two ways.

A, they can acquire necessities for themselves.

Like a blanket, a chair, food.

Or B, they can use their advantages to punish the other contestants.

They can make the other boxes colder, hotter, or fill them with bugs.

Really? Bugs?

Oh, yeah, yeah. They always go for the bugs.

And then you say, "Release the bugs," and the audience goes, "Release the bugs!"

[Speaking Dutch]

And then you do not want to be in that f*cking box.

Jesus. Can they get out?

The bugs or the people?

Either.

No.

Okay, don't look, but there is a guy who has been staring at you for the last ten minutes.

Me?

Uh-huh.

Oh, he's getting up.

He's coming over here, and if it's who I think it is...

Carol?

[Gasps] Oh.

It is.

That's totally fair.

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

[Laughs]

I just... I had to say hello.

Oh, my God. Hi.

[Both laughing]

Helen Basch, Castor Sotto.

Oh, it's nice to finally meet you.

You too.

How's my old office?

I'll bet you're still picking pills out of the rug.

It's like Liza Minnelli's dressing room.

[Laughter]

I also wanted to apologize for...

I don't even know where to start.

What I put this poor woman through.

I'm sure she's told you.

Maybe a few colorful highlights.

Oh, I was a nightmare.

But you were amazing through all of it.

Wow. [Laughs]

You seem like you're doing much better now.

Much. I'm back on my meds.

I even started some new meds.

Couldn't hurt.

[Both laughing]

No argument there.

Well, I'm... I'm happy you're doing well.

Actually, really well. I'm not supposed to say, but I just found out I'm gonna be running The CW.

Both: No!

Wh-What happened to...

No, he's going over to ABC. It's all very hush-hush still.

They're gonna be making the announcement next week.

Wow.

Congratulations.

Thanks. I know, it's crazy.

But better that kind of crazy than my usual.

[Shudders]

[Laughter]

Ohh. Anyway, I'll let you get back to it.

Again, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for everything.

It's fine.

Mm, it's not.

No, but thank you for saying something.

Take care. Nice meeting you.

You too.

Five second rule.

Three, four, five. Holy sh1t.

Bet you didn't see that coming.

They're letting him run a network again?

They rolled him out of ours strapped to a thing like Hannibal Lecter.

By the way, he's much hotter in person.

Oh, yeah, he's dreamy.

For a guy.

Please. Whoa.

Thank you, no. [Laughs]

Ick. Seriously.

We should get a check.

[Phone ringing]

Oh.

Aah.

Hello?

Hey, it's me. Can you talk?

Uh, sure.

Castor: I have a question for you.

I couldn't ask in front of Helen, and I may be way out of line here, but... I'd like to offer you a job.

I'm actually seeing someone.

I'm sorry, what?

What?

Castor: I didn't hear what you said.

You're offering me a job?

Yes. I'd love for you to be my number two again.

They said I can bring in anyone I want.

I'll pay you twice what you're getting now.

I need you here.

[Chuckles]

I'm really flattered... but I'm very happy where I am.

I love working for Helen.

I could never... Literally twice?

I want you to be happy.

No, no, I can't. I...

Look, I get that you have trepidations.

How could you not? But I still think we could make a hell of a team.

I promise I can be the person you thought I was.

Even so, I...

At least think about it.

If it's a no, I totally understand.

But until it is, I'm hoping it's a yes.

So, excited about tomorrow night?

So, depressed and morose about tomorrow night?

There you go.

What exactly is this game?

It's just seven idiots trying to stay inside these boxes for 17 weeks.

And they're in the boxes the whole time?

Yup.

Dear God.

Why would someone do that?

Money, to be on TV.

[Scoffs]

I know, it's crazy.

Although...

What?

Well, you're willing to be a game show host for money and to be on TV.

It's a little bit different.

Is it?

Well, for one thing, I'm making a shitload of money.

Well, I'm sure for them, whatever they're getting is a shitload of money.

Yeah, well, I'm not stuck in a box.

Mm.

What?

Not a literal box, but you're trapped doing this thing you don't want to do in front of everybody, with no way out.

What are you doing?

Nothing. I just think it's ironic.

Hmm.

You know what else is ironic?

What?

Ooh.

Sean: Um, that's not actually what irony is.

Hey. [Giggles]

Look at you, all gutsy.

I wasn't sure you were gonna turn up.

I know.

It's like all those years sneaking around with married guys.

It kind of makes me feel alive again.

Also, Helen's in New York at an affiliates' meeting.

So not that gutsy.

Oh, so what?

[Snickers]

Look, I swore I would never give you advice again.

Nobody believed that.

Well, good, because if you take this job with Castor, you're as crazy as he is.

First of all, it's twice the money.

No, first of all, it's Castor!

He seems fine.

Plus, it might be good for me and Helen not to be together all the time.

Oh, no. It's... it's a brilliant plan.

Yeah.

You going to work for your male ex-lover?

[Laughs] That won't feed her already spectacular paranoia.

I'm just saying, I think...

Hi, girls.

[Both screaming]

What a warm welcome.

Oh, God.

What are you doing here?

I think the question is what are you doing here?

Ha ha ha ha ha. What are we both doing here?

Look, this is not what you think.

It has never been what you think.

This is just a bloody haircut.

It's not like I'm wearing a strap-on on my head.

[Both laughing uncomfortably]

Pubey, I swear, there is nothing going on.

It's just two friends on a hike.

Bullshit!

Two friends do not sneak off on a hike.

And you can drop the "pubey."

Probably for the best.

You said you were gonna be at a breakfast meeting this morning.

Well, you said you were in New York.

And look what happened.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

I'm done. You can have her.

I don't want her.

Well, I don't want her either.

Oh, come on!

What I want is all your sh1t out of my house.

Can we please talk...

Today.

Your cheap moisturizer, your stupid sleep goggles, and especially that f*cking scrunchie!

Really?

Okay.

And I would like my ankle bracelet back.

Seriously?

I... Okay.

And I believe that's my top.

[Scoffs]

Fine. I'll bring it to the office.

Now.

Now?

Now.

No.

Now!

Okay.

I... I...

Here you go.

My bra.

Oh, come on.

Do you want to start with me?

Give her the bra.

Wha... I...

Bra.

She's all yours.

I'm so sorry.

I'm fine.

The car is so far away.

Female voice over PA: Securing the boxes.

Up 10%.

Female voice over PA: Securing the boxes.

[Laughs] Hey.

There's our star.

[Laughs]

Ah. What's with the vest?

What do you mean?

The vest. [Chuckles]

I never approved that.

I didn't approve of what you approved.

[Chuckles] Seriously, lose the vest.

I like the vest.

I'm telling you, the vest is not your friend.

It's classy.

It's thickening.

It's Armani.

Well, then, let him f*cking wear it.

I got to say, I'm looking at my reflection on your forehead, and I think I look good.

[Chuckles]

Trust me on this.

I've got your best interests at heart.

Okay.

Appreciate it.

Cocksucker.

[British accent] Oh, look who's here.

It's Downton Abbey.

Why, why, why, why, why?

Come here.

[Chuckles]

I heard about the new show.

Very exciting. Tell me.

Uh, uh, well, it's a project we actually developed in England, and everyone loved it, but nothing seemed to be happening, and then, remarkably...

Sounds great. Excuse me a sec.

Mrs. Basch.

Oh, Mr. Lapidus.

So, how's it going?

Fantastic.

You and Matt having fun?

Oh, he's terrific.

Really? You're happy?

Happy isn't even the word.

Oh, that's what I wanted to hear.

My God.

Did you see that look she just gave you?

What look?

Seriously?

I'm surprised it didn't leave a mark.

This is still that insanity about you and Carol.

Okay, there's something I need to tell you.

What?

And FYI, I will be forced to remind you of all the times you didn't listen to me.

Oh, sh1t.

I was on a hike with Carol this morning.

Bloody hell, I told you not...

This would be the moment where I remind you of all of the...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We came around a bend in the trail, and...

No.

She may as well have been wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete.

Do we still have a show?

Maybe you do?

Jesus Christ.

Hi, kids.

Oh, perfect.

How was the rest of your day?

Great.

He knows.

Oh. It was a f*cking nightmare.

She hates me.

sh1t, she just saw us with you.

Get away. Get away.

Go.

Hey.

So, what is going on with you and Helen?

What?

"What"?

It's like Frozen without the songs.

Don't tell me it's over.

What's over?

Oh, Christ.

Okay, no offense, but you stay here.

So?

I was right.

It's a dark night in girl town.

Jesus.

Yep.

Get ready for a big, fat mess.

[Sighs]

Speaking of which, where's Myra?

I haven't seen her.

Huh.

[Groans]

That's it. Keep pushing.

[Prolonged groan]

Hey, Matt!

Hey.

Matt! Matt!

Hey, how are ya?

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, you made it.

Don't you look sharp?

Yeah? You like the vest?

Very spiffy.

It's terrific.

Yeah, well, that asshole won't let me wear it.

What do you mean, let you?

It's your show, too.

Hmm.

What are you doing?

Well, it is.

You're just stirring sh1t all over the place today.

We're starting in two, everyone. Starting in two.

Matt, I need you backstage.

Perfect.

Here we go.

Have fun.

Don't suck.

All right!

Ha-ha, you look like a terrific audience!

Have a good show, huh?

[Cheers and applause]

More, more, you guys! What do you say?

[Cheers and applause]

I'm sorry, Miss Rance.

You can't stand here.

Oh, sorry.

Better?

Uh, no.

You can't stand anywhere.

Mrs. Basch would like you off the stage.

No problem. That's fine.

[Cheers and applause]

Okay.

[Laughter]

[Exhales]

Hi, it's me.

[Applause]

Yeah, uh...

If it's still available, I'll take the job.

Man: Okay, okay, okay. Is everybody ready?

Here we go, people.

In five, four, three...

Go camera one.

Male announcer: Seven people.

[Dramatic music]

17 weeks.

Only one will beat The Box!

[Energetic music]

[Coughs]

Camera two.

Matt, go four. On its mark.

I'm trying to quit. I really am.

Roll one.

Matt: Welcome to The Box.

Camera one, go.

Woman: How you doing?

[Laughter]

Matt: Ah, glad we got that out of the way.

[Laughter]

Camera one, standby.

Yup.

Going to camera one.

Hey, Eric.

Hey.

Little chilly in there?

A little bit.

I bet.

So, okay, you've got 17 advantages, more than anyone else so far.

You can use them to buy something for yourself like Mike and Kelly did.

Let's see what's left on the board.

Somehow I'm thinking you don't need a umbrella or a mystery novel.

But a coat, ooh.

How's a nice, comfy, down coat sound right now?

It sounds really good.

[Laughter]

Or you can use your advantages to disadvantage one of your fellow contestants.

Maybe get back at Claire? Just saying.

You can make someone's box ten degrees hotter.

We've still got feathers, stinky cheese, Gilbert Gottfried.

And with 17 advantages, just enough to release the bugs.

What's it gonna be?

Audience: Release the bugs! Release the bugs!

Release the bugs! Release the bugs!

Go for the bugs. Go for the bugs.

Someone make sure Gilbert's ready.

You got it.

Matt, I would like to spend all of my advantages to release the bugs on Claire.

[Cheers and applause]

Wow. Okay.

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, Pete, love the tux.

[Laughter]

Hi, Claire.

Hi.

This is what happens when you take a guy's pants.

So Eric went for the bugs.

You like bugs?

I really don't.

I can't wait to meet the person who says, "Yeah" to that question.

[Laughter]

So, you have a choice.

You can become roommates with a bunch of creepy-crawly guys, or you can ask me to open your box and forfeit the game.

All: Aww!

What's it gonna be?

[Audience yelling]

Go for the bugs. Go for the f*cking bugs.

Five seconds.

I-I can't. I can't. I can't do it.

I really hate bugs.

Please open my box.

[Audience groans]

Are you sure? You know what this means.

[Audience boos]

Oh. No, I... I'm sure.

Open my box.

[Crowd jeers]

Okay.

Female voice over PA: Opening the box.

[Cheers and applause]

Something tells me the other six aren't gonna give up so easily, but maybe I'm wrong.

We'll find out right after this.

[Cheers and applause]

And we've cut. We're back in five, everyone.

We're gonna change that line, right?

She can't really ask me to open her box.

[Laughter]

[Laughs]

Can we keep this audience every night?

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah! How amazing is Matt Leblanc?

[Cheers and applause]

So, I thought I told you to lose the f*cking vest.

I like it.

Yeah, well, when this is done, we got to set some f*cking ground rules.

Definitely, 'cause somehow, you got the idea that I work for you.

Yeah, and what idea do you have?

Look around.

Are you the show, or am I the show?

If they got rid of you, who gives a sh1t?

There's 100 of you.

They'll just open up another box of short, fat producers.

[Laughs]

All right, you and I need to have a little talk.

[Laughs]

Fine.

You don't think you're replaceable?

Wake up.

This isn't ten years ago.

You're a guy who used to be.

You're a rerun.

You're hosting a f*cking game show.

Look up, way up there. You know what that is?

That's the top of the barrel.

Listen, you big bag of assholes, you don't tell me what to do.

[Inaudible conversation]

Really?

Really.

Really?

Really.

You bring nothing to this.

f*ck you.

All right, you know what? If we're gonna do this piece of crap, I don't want to see your face.

Oh, really?

Really.

Really?

Really.

Really?

You don't talk to me.

You don't look at me. You can take your hugs and your annoying laugh and your teeny-tiny dick...

Oh, yeah, Jamie told me.

You'd think having only one ball would make it look bigger, but apparently, not so much.

f*ck you.

No, f*ck you!

You know what? Actually, I already f*cked you.

You know your NBC pilot?

Who do you think told Elliot Salad about it?

What?

Yeah.

Why do you think they picked up Pucks!?

Oh, yeah, that's my tiny dick in your ass, my friend.

You son of a bitch.

Aah!

[Audience murmuring]

Somehow I feel like we've seen this show before.

[Grunts]

You like that?

Aah! Oh.

[Audience murmuring]

You like that?

[Grunts]

All: Matt! Matt! Matt!

Damn it, the balls!

You've got two!

All: Matt! Matt! Matt! Matt! Matt!

Get your stupid hands off of me!

All: Matt! Oh!

Female voice over PA: Securing the box.

No, no, no!

Man: Yeah!

Release the bugs!

[Cheers and applause]

All: Release the bugs! Release the bugs!

Release the bugs! Release the bugs!

Release the bugs! Release the bugs!

No!

Audience: Release the bugs! Release the bugs!

Female voice over PA: Releasing the bugs.

[Buzzing]

No!

[Prolonged scream]

[Dings]

You know, it might not be what you're thinking.

Oh, absolutely.

I'm sure they called us in to give us each a pony.

Why would she kill the show in person?

It's something they do over the phone.

Not if she wants to see the look on your face.

Maybe Carol knows something.

This is her office, isn't it?

I think so?

She's gone.

Receptionist: Good morning, The CW.

Ugh. [Laughs]

Hi, I'm Carol Rance. I'm starting today.

Oh, hi.

Can you please let Castor Sotto know I'm here?

Uh...

I have an Esther De Vito.

No, no.

Castor Sotto.

It's not official yet, but he's the new head of the network.

Hang on.

Hi. There's a woman here.

Carol Rance.

Carol Rance.

She's looking for Carter...

Castor.

Castor Sotto.

She says he's the new head of the network.

Uh-huh.

Mm-kay.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah, there's no Castor Sotto here.

No one knows who he is or what you're talking about.

[Laughs] Well, that's insane.

I am not a very forgiving woman, and I don't appreciate being made a fool of.

I'm sorry, may I just say, there's never been anything between my wife...

Oh, honey, please.

If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it's f*cking my ex-girlfriend like a duck.

But you know what?

First and foremost, I am a professional, and your show is important to this network, so I'm not going to let my personal issues get in the way of that.

For which we are very, very appreciative.

Very.

That said, there's one small change that I'd like to make.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

It's exciting, isn't it?

Oh, I was just about to tell them.

I think it's best if Tim runs the show.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Baby: Oh.

Mmm.

Baby: Mmm.

Mmm.

Baby: Mmm.