08x11 - LARP and the Real Girl

[bunniefuu]

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

We see a close-up of figurines of a knight on a horse and a sword-wielding monster, with many other figurines in the background. A MAN enters the apartment talking on the phone.

MAN (on phone)

How dare you? Lance. Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to Lance, not –

A "Lord of the Rings" poster and a shield with a gryphon crest decorate the wall.

MAN (on phone)

Oh, you know, we both cut corners to get close to her, but that wasn't cheating. Dude, it's just a game.

The MAN sighs, hangs up and puts the phone down on the table with the figurines.

MAN

It's just a game.

After he walks into another room, we see a close-up of the phone. It beeps as a message is received from "Lance Mobile" reading "YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!" The date on the phone is Wednesday, 23 January – the day before DEAN's and also Jessica Moore's birthdays.

CUT TO:

The MAN is asleep in bed. A black symbol of a tree with roots and bare branches appears on the inside of his left forearm. We hear the sound of hoof beats and the MAN wakes. A horse neighs. The MAN sits up in bed to the sound of horses neighing and snorting. A whip cracks and the MAN is flung back down onto the bed, his arms and legs spreadeagled and raised off the mattress as if held by invisible ropes.

MAN

Help!

Rope-burn marks appear on his ankles and wrists.

MAN

Help! Help me!

The MAN screams as the rope-burn marks on his ankles and wrists turn into deep cuts. He continues to scream as his left arm detaches from his body and blood splatters the walls.

SUPERNATURAL (Title Card)

ACT ONE

INT. IMPALA – NIGHT

"China Grove" by The Doobie Brothers plays. DEAN is driving while SAM reads some sheets of paper in the passenger seat.

♪ They say that the father's insane ♪

♪ and dear Mrs. Perkins a game ♪

♪ Well, you're talking 'bout China… ♪

DEAN looks over at SAM.

DEAN

You okay, man?

♪ …Grove. Whoa, ho, ho ♪

SAM

We have the most powerful w*apon we've ever had against demons, and we can't find a way to use it.

DEAN

Yeah, well, Kevin's on it. And when he finds something, he'll call. So we wait. Look, we have both had a rough go over these past couple of weeks. And, uh... I know what you gave up wasn't easy. Maybe we ought to take the night off – go see a flick, hit a bar or two, have some fun. You remember fun, don't you, Sammy?

SAM's phone rings and he answers it.

SAM (on phone)

Kevin, what do you got?

GARTH (V-O)

Hey.

SAM (on phone)

Garth. Hey.

GARTH (V-O)

Why don't you grab a piece of paper?

SAM (on phone)

Really? Okay. Uh, yeah. Thanks, man.

GARTH (V-O)

Yeah, all right.

SAM (on phone)

Oh, wait, hey – hey, Garth. Garth, are you there?

GARTH (V-O)

Yeah.

SAM (on phone)

H-how'd you know where we are?

GARTH (V-O)

Yeah, you've been Garthed.

SAM (on phone)

Look, it's bad enough that you're tracking us, but it's even worse when you say we've been "Garthed." [He clears his throat, obscuring any reply GARTH makes.] Yeah.

SAM hangs up.

SAM

Okay, we got to lose the GPS on our phones, because Garth has been tracking us, and other hunters, apparently, to assign cases.

DEAN

Smart. A total Bobby move. What's the deal?

SAM

Uh, well, it's close – Farmington Hills, Michigan. Dude got ripped limb from limb inside his locked apartment.

DEAN

That's not good.

SAM

Working a case. As long as we're waiting on Kevin, that'll be our fun.

DEAN looks over at SAM.

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

SAM and DEAN enter, showing their FBI badges to an officer at the door, and approach a SHERIFF.

SAM

Sheriff. Special Agent Taggart. This is my partner, Special Agent Rosewood.

SHERIFF

FBI? You guys are quick. Haven't even got the body out yet.

DEAN

Well, the FBI is all work… [he looks at SAM] no play.

SAM

You know, why don't you give me the tour while my partner looks around?

DEAN

I work better on my own.

SHERIFF

Your world, Agent. Follow me.

SAM follows the SHERIFF, while DEAN goes into the kitchen and takes out his EMF reader.

CUT TO:

SAM and the SHERIFF are standing in the victim's bedroom. The victim's torso is still on the bed under the sheet, but the sheet is flat against the mattress where his arms and legs should be. The walls are stained with blood.

SHERIFF

Vic's name was Ed Nelson, 31 years old, an insurance-claim adjuster. He lived alone, which was a real shocker, considering his place is full of toys.

SAM

So what happened?

One of ED's legs, covered with a cloth, is on the floor with a pool of blood around it.

SHERIFF

No sign of forced entry. Near as we can tell, he was tied up and pulled apart. d*ed of the shock or massive blood loss. Dealer's choice on that one.

We see a close-up of chain mail in an open bag.

SAM

So what about these chains?

SHERIFF

That's actually chain mail.

SAM

Seriously?

SHERIFF

[chuckles] Yeah. We did find clear rope-burn marks on his wrists and ankles.

One of ED's arms is on the floor, covered with a bloodstained cloth. SAM pulls back the cloth, revealing the black tree symbol.

SAM

Huh. So, anything... missing from the body?

SHERIFF

You mean aside from the arms and legs? Uh... [chuckling] nope. All there – twig and berries, too.

SAM

What about the neighbors? Did they hear anything weird?

SHERIFF

Uh, neighbor downstairs said she got woke up in the middle of the night by the sound of horses stomping their feet and galloping. We didn't find any hoof prints. She probably heard a TV or was having a bad dream or she was high as balls.

The camera pans out and all four of ED's limbs, covered with cloths, can be seen on the bedroom floor.

SHERIFF

Fortunately, we got a real lead off his cell phone.

The SHERIFF and SAM walk back into the main room and the SHERIFF looks at his notebook.

SHERIFF

According to the phone records, Ed's last call was from a guy called Lance Jacobsen…

DEAN comes out of the kitchen. SAM looks questioningly at him and DEAN shakes his head.

SHERIFF

…an accountant, also 30s, also lives alone.

SAM

How is he a lead?

SHERIFF

The two of them talked together for 15 minutes, and then Lance sent Ed here all kinds of angry texts. Some of them were your typical thr*at stuff, but some were a little weird.

SAM

Weird how?

SHERIFF

Like, uh... [he refers to his notebook] "You shall bleed for your crimes against us," followed by the emoticon of a skull. And, uh, this beauty – "I am a mage. I will destroy you." These kids today with their texting and m*rder. My men just brought Lance into the station for questioning.

SAM

Well, we're gonna need to take first cr*ck at the suspect.

SHERIFF

Like I said, Agent, it's your world.

INT. POLICE STATION INTERVIEW ROOM – DAY

SAM and DEAN enter and sit down across the table from LANCE.

SAM

Lance Jacobsen? We're with the FBI.

LANCE

The FBI? I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe Ed's dead. [He starts to cry.]

DEAN

Lance? Lance, just – just breathe. Just breathe. You're fine.

LANCE stops crying for a moment, but then continues to sob.

SAM

We just need to ask you a few questions. Try to calm down.

LANCE wipes his eyes.

DEAN

We want to know about the, uh – the texts you sent Ed last night.

LANCE

I told them when they brought me in those texts weren't from me.

SAM

Well, your phone and Ed's phone say otherwise.

LANCE

No, I mean, they were from me, but they weren't from me me.

SAM and DEAN look at each other.

DEAN

Did you really think that sentence was gonna clear things up?

LANCE

[sighs] I'm sorry. This is all a big misunderstanding. Those text messages were from Greyfox the Mystic to Thargrim the Difficult. [DEAN looks uncomprehending.] Our characters in Moondoor. Moondoor is a game that Ed and I play. We're LARPers. Live-action role-playing?

DEAN

Right. LARPing. Good times.

LANCE

We play Moondoor every other weekend at Heritage Park. All the info about it is on our website.

DEAN

You guys have a website.

LANCE

Yeah, one of the players designed it. In fact, if you log onto the site, they should have posted pictures from last night's feast. I was there all night.

SAM

What does any of this have to do with the texts?

LANCE

I play a character named Greyfox the Mystic. I'm a very, very powerful mage in the game.

SAM

Okay, uh, very powerful. Go on.

LANCE

Ed is... Ed was Thargrim the Difficult of the Elder Forest, son of Hargrim and Bouphin, brother to – he was Lancelot to my Merlin.

DEAN

Ah. Well, if you guys were so tight, then why the threatening messages?

LANCE

We were named to the queen's honor guard, in anticipation of the coming Battle of Kingdoms this weekend. I thought he broke protocol, so I called Ed after game hours and accused him of cheating, and then I challenged him to a duel.

SAM

A duel?

LANCE

Wands and swords at dawn.

DEAN

Now, when you say "wands" do you mean magic wands?

LANCE

No. Un-magic wands, Agent. Because what I really want in a duel is an un-magic wand. Yes! Fake wands! It's a game! I can't believe it. [to the ceiling] Oh, ye Gods! Thargrim the Difficult has fallen!

LANCE starts to sob again.

DEAN

L-Lance – Lance. Hang in there, champ.

SAM and DEAN leave the interview room.

INT. POLICE STATION MAIN ROOM – DAY

SAM

So? Do you believe "Dungeons & Dragons"?

DEAN

He didn't put a whammy on us. Those weren't crocodile tears, man. That's not our guy.

SAM

So what are we looking at?

DEAN

You saw the chain mail. This could be "Fifty Shades of Greyfox" for all we know.

SAM

All right, well, let's check out Moondoor site, see if Lance's story checks out.

SAM sits down in front of a computer and types "Moondoor LARP" into a search engine. He clicks on the link to the Moondoor website.

SAM

"Welcome to Moondoor, Michigan's largest LARPing game."

DEAN

And I thought we needed to get out more.

SAM clicks on "Picture Gallery," then on "Festival of the Endless Night." A picture appears of LANCE dressed in costume and holding a tankard, followed by one of him flanked by two women, one of whom is kissing him on the cheek.

SAM

There's our guy.

Another picture of a smiling LANCE appears on the screen.

DEAN

Huh. [chuckling] It actually looks kind of awesome.

SAM looks at DEAN, and DEAN takes the smile off his face.

SAM

All right, there's a video.

SAM clicks on "Video Presentations" and video footage from the game plays.

VIDEO NARRATOR

Moondoor. A world of intrigue, honor, passion. Four kingdoms – followers of the Moon, Elves, Warriors of yesteryear, and the dreaded Shadow Orcs. All will fight on the fields of never... [DEAN smiles, then glances at SAM and resumes a serious expression] in the biannual Battle of Kingdoms. Pick up a sword or a mace. Take control of Moondoor and defend the current ruler...

DEAN

Wait, is that...

VIDEO NARRATOR

...the queen of Moons.

The queen is CHARLIE BRADBURY from 7.20 The Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo. DEAN and SAM look at each other.

INT. POLICE STATION INTERVIEW ROOM – DAY

LANCE is still sitting at the table in the interview room. He scratches at his right arm.

LANCE

Aah.

LANCE stands up, still scratching.

LANCE

God.

He pushes up his sleeve and there is a brief sizzling noise. The tree symbol is on his inner forearm.

LANCE

What the hell?

LANCE coughs blood onto his palm, then coughs a large quantity of blood onto the windowpane. He screams. Blood runs from his eyes and nose and he falls to the floor.

ACT TWO

INT. POLICE STATION MAIN ROOM – DAY

A coroner wheels LANCE's body away on a stretcher as DEAN and SAM watch.

SHERIFF

You're gonna want to see this.

SAM and DEAN follow the SHERIFF to a computer and the SHERIFF plays video footage of LANCE in the interview room scratching at his arm and coughing blood.

SHERIFF

God forbid he was contagious. I'm gonna go dip myself in hand sanitizer.

DEAN

No EMF, no hex bags, no sulfur. I got nada. You?

SAM

Watch the video again.

SAM replays the video.

SAM

There. See that? [He zooms in on the tree symbol on LANCE's arm.] Same as Ed's. I don't know.

DEAN looks down at a file on the desk with a photo of the tree symbol on ED's arm.

SAM

Maybe they had matching tattoos. I mean, they were brothers in arms. You recognize it from anything?

DEAN

A Tim Burton movie? Aside from the, uh, mark of the creepy here, the only thing these guys have in common is LARPing.

SAM

Lucky for us, we know the queen.

EXT. MOONDOOR CAMP – DAY

Renaissance music plays at a medieval camp. People in costumes pretend to fight with mock weapons, a woman plays a harp, and many others talk and stroll outside tents. Colorful banners bear various crests and signs point the way to the dungeon, privies and stockade. A large banner reads "Moondoor: The Battle of Kingdoms." DEAN and SAM in their FBI suits look at the scene and then at each other.

MAN (V-O)

I, Boltar the Furious, bind you...

We see a close-up of a MAN IN STOCKS. He has large fake ears and bad teeth.

BOLTAR (V-O)

...to this stock...

The camera pans out and we see BOLTAR addressing the MAN IN STOCKS.

BOLTAR

...so that all of Moondoor may see you for what you are – a thief.

SAM and DEAN pause to watch.

MAN IN STOCKS

[muffled] My Shadow Orc brethren will descend from the Black Hills and the tents of Mo–

The ORC's fake teeth fall out of his mouth and onto the ground. He and BOLTAR look at each other.

BOLTAR

Uh, hold.

BOLTAR spreads his arms as if to stop the action, then picks up the ORC's fake teeth and brushes them off.

ORC

[in an everyday voice] Thanks, Gerry. Sorry.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

[in an everyday voice] Yeah, no problem, Monty.

GERRY (BOLTAR) puts MONTY (ORC)'s fake teeth back into his mouth. MONTY (ORC) gives GERRY (BOLTAR) a thumbs-up.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

[in a stage voice, spreading his arms again] Resume.

MONTY (ORC)

[muffled] And the tents of Moondoor will be bathed in blood as we unseat the queen of the Moons from the throne she stole from the rightful heir – the Shadow King. And you –

GERRY (BOLTAR) throws a red bean bag at MONTY (ORC), hitting him in the forehead.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Silentium! Serve your time with honor, heathen. And if you need to use the chamber pot, stomp your feet thrice.

BOLTAR (GERRY) walks away.

DEAN

Excuse me. Hi. Uh, you are a LARPer, yeah?

GERRY (BOLTAR)

I prefer the term "interactive literaturist."

DEAN

Right. Uh, I am Special Agent Rosewood. This is special Agent Taggart.

DEAN and SAM hold up their FBI badges.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Hold! [He puts down the hood of his costume and speaks in an everyday voice.] Um, guys, we're not doing the whole genre-mash-up thing this weekend. We only do that every third month.

DEAN

The...

SAM

Come again?

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Your fake badges, the cheap suits. It's very cool. I get it. Your characters are FBI agents that somehow traveled to Moondoor, but I'm telling you it's just – it's straight-up Moondoor this weekend.

SAM

These aren't fake badges.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Uh, yeah, they are, and they're... [he takes SAM's badge] very good, but, um, well, the I.D. number shifted to 10 digits with, uh, two letters mixed in at the end of the year, and, uh, the seal's from last month. Really good work. [He hands SAM's badge back.] It's just – it's a tournament weekend, okay guys, so you got to follow the rules. If there's no rules – chaos. [He puts his hood back up and speaks in a stage voice.] Resume. If you would like to join the army of Moons, the queen is always on the lookout for new squires.

DEAN

Yes. Right. Uh, we would like to see your queen now, please.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Well, the queen's calendar is booked up months in advance. But if you wish to witness what's in store for you in her army, her highness is overseeing new squires on the pitch as we speak.

CUT TO:

Two SWORDFIGHTERS wearing helmets are fighting with mock swords as a crowd watches. The sword of the first is somewhat realistic-looking, but the other sword is wrapped in yellow foam. After an exchange of blows, the SWORDFIGHTER using the foam-covered sword goes to their knees.

DEFEATED SWORDFIGHTER

Yield! I yield!

The SWORDFIGHTER with the realistic-looking sword takes off her helmet. The camera rolls in slow motion as she shakes out her hair. She is CHARLIE. The crowd applauds.

DEFEATED SWORDFIGHTER

I love you.

CHARLIE

I know. Take your leave to my medical tent and attend to your... severed limbs.

The DEFEATED SWORDFIGHTER leaves. CHARLIE addresses the crowd.

CHARLIE

Greyfox and Thargrim are missing. We pray to the goddess they have not fallen victim of foul play. In their absence, the honor guard's ranks are weakened. To join... [She sees SAM and DEAN standing in the crowd.] Oh, blerg. Uh... The queen needs some royal "we" time. Talk amongst thyselves.

CHARLIE walks briskly away to a large maroon tent. SAM and DEAN follow her, but DEAN stops to pick up the foam-covered sword.

DEAN

Nice balance.

SAM turns to look for DEAN.

SAM

Dude. [He spreads his arms wide.]

DEAN

Yeah.

DEAN follows SAM, still holding the sword.

INT. CHARLIE'S TENT – DAY

The tent is decorated with a rug, small statues, lanterns and a table with fancy chairs. A map with figurines positioned on it is on a second table.

SAM

Charlie.

CHARLIE

Charlie Bradbury is dead. [She puts one of her leather arm-guards into a bag.] She d*ed a year ago. You k*lled her. [She unbuckles her other arm-guard.] My name is Carrie Heinlein. Oh, and guess what. Now you k*lled her, too.

DEAN

Okay, listen, uh...

CHARLIE is standing in front of a large bed upon which is a crown. Behind the bed on the wall of the tent is a large framed portrait of a woman seated in a chair.

CHARLIE

No, I buried myself. Then d*ck Roman went down, his company belly-up, and I figure, "Hey, it's all good," and I was fine. I got my life back. Now you're here, and if you guys are here, monsters are here. Why do I have such bad luck? What am I – some kind of monster magnet? Is there such a thing as a monster magnet? You know what? Don't answer that. I don't care. What I care about is not getting my other arm broken... or dying. So... [she grabs her bag and crown] I'm dropping my sword and walking off the stage, b*tches. [She puts the crown on DEAN's head on her way to the door.] Have fun storming the castle.

DEAN

Charlie. Charlie! Greyfox and Thargrim – uh, Ed and Lance – they're not missing. They're dead.

CUT TO:

We see that the tent also has a chandelier and that the woman in the portrait has long red hair like CHARLIE's and is wearing a crown.

CHARLIE

Drawn and quartered and bleeding out? Please stop talking again. So what do you think did this?

CHARLIE, DEAN and SAM are seated around the table with fancy chairs.

DEAN

Well, aside from the, uh, mark...[he slides a photograph over to CHARLIE] and them both being LARPers, there's really not much else to go on.

CHARLIE picks up the photograph of the tree symbol, which is marked "Evidence."

CHARLIE

Wait, I've seen this before. It's a Celtic magic symbol. At least it was in my favorite video game. Does that help? Can I go now?

SAM

It's a start, but no. Um, listen. What can you tell us about Ed and Lance?

CHARLIE

[shrugs] Good guys. Two of the best members of the queen's ever-shrinking army.

DEAN

"Ever-shrinking"?

CHARLIE

My kingdom has had a lot of bad luck lately, probably 'cause of me, but... [she picks up the photograph again] maybe it's tied to this. A month ago, one of my guys had both her ankles broken before battle. Before that, I had three people have hospital-worthy accidents while at home. You think there's any connection there?

SAM

Did they have any enemies in common?

CHARLIE

In real life? No. Everyone gets along famously. In the game, though...

CHARLIE gets up and walks over to the map, which is of Moondoor and upon which are different-colored figurines representing different armies. DEAN and SAM follow her.

CHARLIE

...they had tons of enemies. Red reps the followers of the Moon – my peeps. Green's for Elves, blue's for Warriors of Yesteryear, and black's for Shadow Orcs – total d-bags. This weekend is the Battle of the Kingdoms to see who wears the Forever Crown. This weekend, each faction is definitely an enemy of me and mine.

DEAN

You know, if you, uh... [he gestures to some of the red figurines] move your archers back and your broadswordsmen to the west...

CHARLIE

Huh. Fight the warriors.

DEAN

Yep.

CHARLIE

Hey, good call.

DEAN

Thanks.

CHARLIE

What about the southern wall?

SAM

Guys.

DEAN

Yeah? [SAM spreads his arms.] Right. Sorry.

SAM

So maybe, uh... [DEAN picks up a trebuchet figurine and moves it to a different position on the map] someone from one of the other kingdoms got ahold... [CHARLIE looks at DEAN and he nods to her] of real magic and started using it to weaken your army.

CHARLIE

But why not just come after me? And why the escalation?

DEAN

All right, we will canvass the kingdoms. You should get out of here. We don't want you to get hurt.

SAM

Whoa, wait. Charlie knows Moondoor a lot better than we do. We need her.

DEAN

Sam, I think we can take care of a bunch of accountants with foam swords.

SAM

We need all the help we can get, Dean. People are dying.

DEAN

My point, which is usually yours, is that she should get somewhere safe and get back to a normal life.

CHARLIE

Hey, I am right here, and I want to leave.

DEAN

Thank you.

CHARLIE

But the queen... [sighs] she has to stay. I mean, Sam is right. People are dying. That can't happen on my watch. And you know what? I am tired of running. I like my life here. I'm gonna stay and fight for it.

SAM's phone rings and he answers it.

SAM (on phone)

Yeah. Okay. Thanks.

SAM hangs up.

SAM

So, the toxicology report came back on Lance. Nothing. But the medical examiner said his body showed clear signs that he was k*lled by belladonna.

DEAN and CHARLIE [simultaneously]

The p*rn star?

There is a long pause.

SAM

The poison.

DEAN and CHARLIE [simultaneously]

Oh.

SAM

Um, however, they couldn't find a trace of it in his system.

DEAN

Just like they couldn't find ropes in Ed's apartment.

SAM

Charlie, I'm gonna need to borrow your laptop.

CHARLIE

There are no laptops in Moondoor. [DEAN and SAM spread their hands.] What? There are rules. But there is a tech tent four tents down.

SAM

Okay. How about you guys go canvas, and I'll dig into these accidents and this mark?

SAM leaves.

CHARLIE

Okay. I'm gonna need the full wiki on where you guys have been. But first, you're gonna have to ditch the suit if you're gonna walk and talk with the queen.

Renaissance music plays. DEAN nods, then smiles.

EXT. MOONDOOR CAMP – DAY

SAM walks towards a tent upon which is a sign reading "Beware: this is a gateway to the future." He goes inside the tent.

INT. TECH TENT – DAY

Inside are a number of computer workstations at which costumed people sit. SAM sits down in front of a computer screen. Next to him is a COSTUMED YOUNG WOMAN in front of another screen. The people opposite them are playing video games.

SAM

Excuse me. Do you know if there's a directory of online players?

COSTUMED YOUNG WOMAN

Yeah, it's on the website. All you need is an account to access it.

SAM

Um, thanks, uh...

COSTUMED YOUNG WOMAN

Maria. I mean, Gholandria the Wicked. [She smiles.]

INT. CHARLIE'S TENT – DAY

DEAN has changed into costume and is adjusting an arm guard. He tightens his belt, puts on chain mail and surveys his appearance in a mirror.

CHARLIE

You sent Sam a phantom text from his ex? d*ck move, sir.

DEAN

Yeah, not my finest hour.

CHARLIE

So he found some normalcy with this chick, and now it's gone... again. Thanks to you.

DEAN

Yeah, well, now he's more committed than ever, so there's that. But, trust me, this life – you can't afford attachments. You just got to... let go.

CHARLIE

Are we still talking about Sam, or did you break up with someone, too?

DEAN

Me?

CHARLIE

Yeah.

DEAN

No.

EXT. MOONDOOR CAMP – DAY

Renaissance music plays. CHARLIE and DEAN leave CHARLIE's tent. DEAN exchanges the foam-covered sword for a wooden one leaning outside the tent. A WOMAN bows to CHARLIE.

WOMAN

Your majesty.

CHARLIE and DEAN walk through the camp.

DEAN

You always been into LARPing?

CHARLIE

Nah. For role-play, I prefer a tabletop. D&D, Gamma World, Car Wars. That's why Cthulhu invented multi-sided dice, right? But a buddy of mine was into LARPing. Went for him, stayed for the chicks.

DEAN laughs.

CHARLIE

It's not just that, though. It's an escape. I mean, here, I'm queen, a hero. Out there in the real world, I'm just hacking out code and chugging coffee all day long.

DEAN stops and turns to face CHARLIE.

DEAN

Now, wait a second.

PASSING WOMAN

Your majesty.

DEAN

If it wasn't for you, we would have never been able to take down d*ck Roman. Out there in the real world, you are a hero.

CHARLIE smiles and nods.

ANOTHER PASSING WOMAN

My queen.

DEAN

I'm noticing a lot of these maidens checking you out.

CHARLIE

What? I can't shut this down. [She puts a hand on DEAN's arm.] It's good to be queen.

CHARLIE walks off and DEAN follows.

INT. TECH TENT – DAY

We see a close-up of a computer screen that shows eight "case file" tiles for various people, including LANCE JACOBSEN and ED NELSON. Several of the tiles have photographs of injuries and one includes a photo of the tree symbol on someone's forearm. The camera pans out and we see MARIA (GHOLANDRIA) looking over at SAM's screen.

SAM

It's – it's all just part of the game.

MARIA (GHOLANDRIA)

Genre mash-up. Cool. [leaning over] Hey, I know her. That's Phyllis. Heard she broke her ankles or something.

SAM clicks on PHYLLIS MORTON's case file, which enlarges. In the photographs PHYLLIS is on a hospital bed, with her ankles and feet badly bruised and her feet turned in at almost right angles to her legs.

SAM

Wow. It looks like she got –

MARIA (GHOLANDRIA)

...hobbled. [She points to the screen.] Oh, and that's Jamie. He said someone broke into his house, b*at him with his own mace, but –

SAM

[reading from the file] No signs of a forced entry. Uh, do you recognize...[he clicks on the file that includes the photo of the tree symbol] this from Moondoor? I – I think it's... [he enlarges the photo] Celtic?

MARIA (GHOLANDRIA)

No. Sorry. But I'll look it up.

SAM

Thanks.

EXT. MOONDOOR CAMP – DAY

An ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN with elf ears is looking at a photograph of the tree symbol. She shakes her head.

ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN

I haven't seen anything like it in my travels throughout the realms, your highness.

She hands the photograph back to CHARLIE.

CHARLIE

All right. Well, if you think of anything, come see me in my tent. [flirtatiously] Anytime.

The ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN smiles and leaves. DEAN looks at CHARLIE, who spreads her hands briefly and hands the photograph to DEAN.

CHARLIE

Scratch the Elves off the list.

INT. TECH TENT – DAY

SAM

Mace att*cks, hobbling, medieval poisoning – somebody's targeting the queen's people.

MARIA (GHOLANDRIA)

No, not only them. See... [she points] those four are with the Queen, but these two – they're Elves. And these two are Warriors. Only group not to get hit –

EXT. MOONDOOR CAMP – DAY

CHARLIE

The Shadow Orcs. Last group on the list, impossible to find.

DEAN

Wait, I know where we can find one. I met him on the way in.

CHARLIE

Perfect. Maybe he can tell us what the frack this thing is.

SAM (V-O)

It's, uh...

INT. TECH TENT – DAY

A website titled "Celtic Magic" showing the tree symbol is on SAM's computer. The article is titled "The Tree of Pain" and reads:

Symbolism and Origin

7th-5th Century B.C.

The Tree of Pain is a symbol of Fairy Magic. It was used by the Ancient Celts for magic rituals and casting spells. The Tree of Pain is used as a hex to maim or k*ll the subject bearing the mark for the uninitiated. It symbolizes pain, both physical and spiritual. For the initiated practitioners of Celtic Fairy Magic, the Tree of Pain is a powerful protection symbol that served to bind the tribe. The Tree of Pain symbol had been passed down to the ancient Celts from...

SAM

...the Tree of Pain. Uh, if you are tagged with this mark, you will be a victim of fairy magic.

MARIA (GHOLANDRIA)

Wait. Fairy magic can be bad?

EXT. MOONDOOR CAMP – DAY

CHARLIE and DEAN walk towards the stocks.

MONTY (ORC)

Death to the queen! Death to the usurper!

DEAN draws his wooden sword.

MONTY (ORC)

Death to her manservant!

DEAN hits the stocks with his sword near MONTY (ORC)'s head. CHARLIE looks at, and MONTY (ORC) growls at, DEAN.

DEAN

What? [CHARLIE gives him a pointed look.] Well, there's no laptops in Moondoor. There's no Geneva Convention, either. Hey. [He takes out the photograph of the tree symbol and holds it up in front of MONTY (ORC).] Have you seen this?

MONTY (ORC)

Yeah, of course. [DEAN looks inquiringly at him.] No. No, I haven't seen it.

DEAN puts his sword under MONTY (ORC)'s chin.

MONTY (ORC)

Okay, it's the Shadow King's family crest. You'll never find him in the Black Hills.

DEAN

[to CHARLIE] Black Hills?

CHARLIE

The forest behind the playground. Come on.

CHARLIE taps DEAN on the arm and they walk away.

INT. TECH TENT – DAY

SAM has his phone to his ear. He sighs, hits a button on the phone and puts it in his pocket.

SAM

All right, uh, well, thank you very much, Gholandria.

MARIA (GHOLANDRIA)

[big smile] Anytime. I've never done genre-mash-up play before. That was fun.

SAM

[smiles] First time for everything, right? [He gets up to leave.]

MARIA (GHOLANDRIA)

First time for a lot of things if you want to come find my tent later.

SAM

Another time.

SAM leaves.

MARIA (GHOLANDRIA)

Your loss.

EXT. MOONDOOR FOREST – DAY

CHARLIE and DEAN are walking along a path. GERRY (BOLTAR) comes towards them.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

My queen. There you are. I've been searching everywhere for you. Has this... oaf attempted to harm you with his blasphemous metalworks?

CHARLIE

Boltar, he's with me. This is my new... handmaiden.

GERRY (BOLTAR) nods to DEAN.

CHARLIE

We seek an audience with the Shadow King.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Uh, these hills are not safe. I beseech you, my queen, you should return to camp.

DEAN

He's right... your worshipfulness. Uh, may I have a moment before you take your leavings?

CHARLIE

Mm.

DEAN and CHARLIE walk a short distance away.

DEAN

Handmaiden?

CHARLIE

He was suspicious. I panicked.

DEAN

All right, look. You take my phone. Find Sam. We'll find the shadow dorks.

CHARLIE

But I can help.

DEAN

Yeah, you are helping by finding Sam. Go.

CHARLIE walks away.

DEAN

Lead the way to the Orcs, Bolty.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Speak when spoken to, handmaiden.

GERRY (BOLTAR) walks in the opposite direction to CHARLIE and DEAN follows him.

CUT TO:

CHARLIE is walking along the path through the forest. She puts DEAN's phone into a pouch hanging from her belt. The camera angle changes as if we are seeing CHARLIE through the eyes of someone hiding in the trees behind her. CHARLIE hears rustling and looks around, but continues to walk. She hears another noise and turns around. A figure in a black cloak disappears behind a tree. CHARLIE resumes walking and the CLOAKED FIGURE follows her. She hears another noise and turns around again, and the CLOAKED FIGURE disappears behind another tree. CHARLIE looks in different directions. She turns around to find the CLOAKED FIGURE right behind her. The CLOAKED FIGURE, who had fake Orc teeth, growls and throws a black bean bag at CHARLIE, who ducks. CHARLIE smiles, takes a red bean bag out of her pouch and throws it at the CLOAKED FIGURE, hitting him in the face.

CLOAKED FIGURE

Ohh!

CHARLIE

Dark magic!

CLOAKED FIGURE

Ohh! My eyes! The stinging of your att*ck burns my very soul!

The CLOAKED FIGURE growls and runs away, flailing his arms. CHARLIE smiles as she watches him go, then turns around. Immediately in front of her is an imposing figure in a black cloak with a stag skull head. CHARLIE gasps and fumbles for a red bean bag, which she throws at the STAG SKULL FIGURE.

CHARLIE

Dark magic?

The STAG SKULL FIGURE raises its arms under its cloak. CHARLIE gasps and closes her eyes.

ACT THREE

EXT. MOONDOOR CAMP – DAY

DEAN and GERRY (BOLTAR) walk through the camp. DEAN sighs.

DEAN

Well, that was a bust. You sure the Shadow Orcs are even out there?

GERRY (BOLTAR)

For a handmaiden, you certainly ask many questions. Yes, I am positive. They're just very good at hiding themselves. But... [he puts a finger on DEAN's chest] a plan has sprung to mind that will draw the Shadow King to us. We shall take the Shadow Orc held in stock, offer him up as a prisoner exchange.

DEAN

Draw him out and b*at him down. I like your style, Boltar.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

I shall retrieve the prisoner. You tend to the queen's laundry and chamber pots, and then meet me back here.

GERRY (BOLTAR) leaves. SAM walks up to DEAN.

SAM

Nice outfit.

DEAN

You love it.

SAM

Right. Well, while you were, uh, playing dress-up, I found out... [he takes a piece of paper out of his coat pocket] that the mark...

DEAN

Belongs to the Shadow Orcs. [He smiles.]

SAM

Yeah. And they're using fairy magic.

SAM shows DEAN a print-out of the information about the Tree of Pain on the Celtic Magic website.

DEAN

The Tree of Pain. Awesome.

SAM

Whoever gets marked gets ganked.

DEAN

All right, how do we stop it?

SAM

Find whoever cast the spell, and take them out. No more whammy, no more marks. No more marks, no more dead bodies.

DEAN

Okay, well, perfect. Our, uh, pal Boltar the chatty is getting the, uh, Shadow Orc prisoner. We're gonna do a little prisoner exchange, try to draw the king out of hiding. [He smiles.] It was my idea. [SAM just looks at him.] Where's Charlie?

SAM

She was with you.

DEAN

No, I sent her to you.

DEAN walks off, calling out.

DEAN

Charlie? Your highness?

DEAN opens the flaps to CHARLIE's tent.

DEAN

Charlie? [to SAM] You know what – she's got my phone. Try it.

SAM calls DEAN's number.

INT. – DAY

We see a close-up of DEAN's phone, which reads "No signal," on a fabric surface. The camera pans up and we see CHARLIE lying on a bed. She groans as she wakes and puts a hand to her head. She looks around the room and gets up. There are candles, lamps, a framed painting on the wall, and the bed has a canopy. The STAG SKULL FIGURE is standing in front of a fireplace, watching her.

CHARLIE

Uh... hi. I'm the, uh, queen... of Moons. Nice to meet you. Great costume, bee tee dubs.

CHARLIE smiles. The STAG SKULL FIGURE is silent and unmoving.

CHARLIE

Right. Well, this has been a really great kidnapping, but I got to get back to not dying. So, good talk.

CHARLIE opens the flaps to what we now know is a tent. The camera pans rapidly across the tent and we see CHARLIE entering from the other side. She stops in front of the STAG MASK FIGURE, turns around and runs out of the tent in the other direction, but immediately enters it again from the other side.

CHARLIE

Wow. Real magic. That is really cool, if not mostly terrifying. Um, right. Okay. [She smiles.] We can work this out, can't we? Get you some gold, my crown. Ritualistic sacrifice? [The STAG SKULL FIGURE doesn't respond.] Look. I am not really a queen. I'm just an I.T. girl... standing in front of a monster... asking it not to k*ll her.

The STAG SKULL FIGURE slowly approaches CHARLIE.

CHARLIE

Great. Now the worst period of my life comes to an end. I saw my boss get eaten by a Leviathan, broke my arm, lived life on the run, finally got it all back, and now a dude in a stag-skull mask is gonna k*ll me. [She puts her hands up in front of her face.] I just want my old life back!

CHARLIE whimpers, turns her face away and closes her eyes as the STAG SKULL FIGURE comes closer.

STAG SKULL FIGURE

[removing mask to reveal a beautiful woman] That is all I want, as well.

CHARLIE opens her eyes. The STAG SKULL FIGURE smiles at her. CHARLIE smiles back.

EXT. MOONDOOR FOREST – NIGHT

We see the beam of a flashlight, held by GERRY (BOLTAR). He is followed by MONTY (ORC), DEAN and SAM.

DEAN

I swear, if anything's happened to her...

SAM

Dude, we checked all the tents. We'll talk to these guys. We'll find her.

They stop in a small clearing.

MONTY (ORC)

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

VOICES IMITATING BIRDS

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Three ORCs in cloaks walk into the clearing, carrying flashlights.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Greetings, heretics.

One of the ORCs has the Tree of Pain symbol on a crest on his shirt.

ORC WITH THE TREE OF PAIN CREST

You should kneel before me, cur.

DEAN

All right, why don't you let me –

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Silence! Now, before we exchange, a few announcements.

The ORC WITH THE TREE OF PAIN CREST takes out his fake teeth and comes closer to GERRY (BOLTAR).

GERRY (BOLTAR)

[in an everyday voice] Um, there is a peewee-league soccer playoff game tomorrow on the alpha field. We don't want to freak out the mundanes, so we got to move the Battle of Kingdoms to the beta field.

DEAN

[talking over GERRY (BOLTAR)] All right. That's it. You know what? I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way.

DEAN draws his g*n.

SAM

Dean, don't.

DEAN

What?

SAM

Come on.

DEAN

No, I'm –

GERRY (BOLTAR)

I told you there are –

DEAN

Shut up.

DEAN walks over to the ORC WITH THE TREE OF PAIN CREST, raising his g*n.

DEAN

All right. I need real answers. This here is a real g*n, see?

DEAN sh**t at the ground.

ORC WITH THE TREE OF PAIN CREST

Whoa! Whoa! [holding up his hands] Hold! Hold! Geez!

DEAN

[pointing his g*n at the ORC] Now, start talking. Where's the queen?!

ORC WITH THE TREE OF PAIN CREST

I don't know!

DEAN

Yeah, well, your little family crest there tells a different story, pal.

ORC WITH THE TREE OF PAIN CREST

[looking down at his shirt] This?

DEAN

Yeah.

ORC WITH THE TREE OF PAIN CREST

Uh, I got sick last month after this thing just appeared... [he takes off his right gauntlet and pushes up his sleeve to reveal the Tree of Pain symbol on his forearm] on my arm. I thought it looked really cool, so I turned it into my family crest. I mean, after my dermatologist said it wasn't malignant.

SAM

Dean, he's not our guy. He's just another vic.

ORC WITH THE TREE OF PAIN CREST

My name is Max Hilby. I'm an attorney. I have no idea where the queen is, but if you let me go right now, I won't press charges. I promise. Um... [he takes off his fake ears and holds them and his gauntlet out to DEAN] Here. Uh, take them. Please.

DEAN

Go. Go! Go!

The three ORCS run away. DEAN turns to face SAM, GERRY (BOLTAR) and MONTY (ORC).

DEAN

What? What?

MONTY (ORC) takes out his fake teeth.

MONTY (ORC)

Is the queen really in danger?

DEAN nods.

MONTY (ORC)

Okay, we got – [he points] there was something odd down by the creek. It's this weird tent. It's not one of ours. It's kind of creepy.

SAM

Why are you being so helpful all of a sudden?

MONTY (ORC)

Look, I harbor an epic crush on the queen. Maybe you could put in a good word for me when you find her.

DEAN

I don't think you're her type.

DEAN walks off in the direction MONTY (ORC) indicated. SAM and GERRY (BOLTAR) follow.

MONTY (ORC)

What? You mean she's not into Orcs?

INT. TENT – NIGHT

CHARLIE and the STAG SKULL FIGURE are sitting on the edge of the bed, facing each other. The STAG SKULL FIGURE has removed her black cloak and is wearing a long white dress.

STAG SKULL FIGURE

My name is Gilda. I'm from the Hollow Forest of Arkhmoor. I'm a fairy.

CHARLIE

Mm. Swoon. [She smiles.] Uh, I mean, how did you get here?

GILDA

I was summoned here by a spell.

CHARLIE

By whom?

GILDA

I don't know his name, but I was brought here to do his bidding.

CHARLIE

His bidding? That's never good.

GILDA

My... master, he – he has me hurt people. He's forcing me to. I'd never hurt anyone. I'm a fairy – the good kind.

CHARLIE

No, no, I get that. Why is he doing this?

GILDA

I don't know. He started off with smaller commands, but he's become more violent. He had me k*ll two men this week.

CHARLIE

Man, someone is taking this game way too seriously.

GILDA

Game?

CHARLIE

This – my outfit, all of this – it's just a game here.

GILDA

Why would you play such a game?

CHARLIE

This world – not so much with awesome. The game is a way to get away.

GILDA

It's a lovely forest, but it's nothing like my home.

CHARLIE

Right. So, how do we get you back there?

GILDA

I can't break free from the spell, myself. A hero must take my master's book of magic and destroy it, breaking the spell.

CHARLIE

Gilda, my name is Charlie Bradbury, and I am here to rescue you.

They smile at each other. GILDA touches CHARLIE's arm and covers her hand.

EXT. MOONDOOR FOREST – NIGHT

GERRY (BOLTAR), DEAN and SAM are walking through the forest.

DEAN

Why don't you take off, Bolty? We got it from here.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

A handmaiden and a time traveler rescue the queen? I think not, kind lady.

SAM

Look, this isn't a game, Boltar. The queen, our friend, is in real danger. You could get hurt.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

I will not leave my queen in peril.

They come to a plain canvas tent with two lights burning on long poles outside.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Look there.

DEAN

We haven't checked that tent.

INT. TENT – NIGHT

DEAN, SAM AND GERRY (BOLTAR) enter. CHARLIE and GILDA are sitting on the edge of the bed, kissing. DEAN clears his throat and CHARLIE and GILDA break apart.

CHARLIE

Dudes. If the tent is rockin', don't come a-knockin'.

GILDA gets to her feet.

GILDA

No, it's him! My master! Run!

DEAN and SAM look at GERRY (BOLTAR), who pushes back his hood.

ACT FOUR

SAM and DEAN point their g*ns at GERRY (BOLTAR).

GERRY (BOLTAR)

No g*ns in Moondoor, gentlemen. Gilda, if you please?

Looking sad, GILDA makes a hand motion. There is the sound of a chicken clucking and the g*ns turn into feathers which flutter to the ground.

DEAN

Well, now what, Gerry?

GERRY (BOLTAR)

My name is [shouting] Boltar the Furious! My plan was, after getting rid of all of my competition, to win the battle tomorrow, convincing the queen that I should be her king.

CHARLIE sighs, rolls her eyes and looks at GILDA.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

But then you two idiots showed up, and I was forced to improvise. Rescue the damsel in distress from Orcs, become king, k*ll you both – that'll work, too.

SAM

So why did you go from hobbling to m*rder?

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Greyfox and Thargrim became part of the honor guard. They got close to the queen, but they did it by breaking the rules – paying off other players with real money, rather than Moondoor currency. They were cheating.

DEAN

Oh, and using magic isn't?

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Magic is a part of Moondoor.

CHARLIE

What is your problem? Why would you hurt people? This is just a game.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

[shouting] There is no game! There is only Moondoor! I came here to be different, to get away from my crappy life, to be a hero, and guess what.

DEAN

What, you were a loser in the real world, and you're a loser here? Shocker.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Would a loser track down a real book of spells and compel a fairy to do his bidding?

CHARLIE puts a hand on GILDA's arm.

SAM

It depends. How'd you get it?

GERRY (BOLTAR)

eBay.

SAM

[nods and clears his throat] Look. It doesn't have to be like this, Boltar. Just hand over the book of spells. We can work this out.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

This will all work out... [he picks up a fake sword] after I remove you from the playing field and wipe her memory. Gilda?

GILDA sighs and closes her eyes. The fake sword in GERRY (BOLTAR)'s hand turns into a real one. SAM and DEAN move.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

Gilda, the big one.

GILDA regretfully makes a hand motion and a suit of armor grabs SAM around the neck from behind.

SAM

Ohh!

CHARLIE charges at GERRY (BOLTAR) with a fake sword. He hurls her onto the bed. DEAN swings at GERRY (BOLTAR) with a fake sword, but GERRY (BOLTAR)'s sword cuts DEAN's in half. GILDA goes to CHARLIE. SAM struggles with the suit of armor. GERRY (BOLTAR) strikes at DEAN, who uses a metal shield to block GERRY (BOLTAR)'s att*ck.

GILDA

He can't stop him. The book – you must destroy it.

DEAN punches GERRY (BOLTAR) and a book falls to the floor. SAM gasps as the suit of armor continues to strangle him from behind. CHARLIE dashes for the book.

CHARLIE

Hey, Gerry. [She holds up a dagger.] I'm the one who saves damsels in distress around here.

GERRY (BOLTAR) looks down at his belt as if something is missing. CHARLIE raises the dagger over her head and stabs the book. Bright light shines from it.

GERRY (BOLTAR)

No!

The suit of armor falls to the ground, freeing SAM. GILDA smiles. The sword in GERRY (BOLTAR)'s hand turns back into a fake one. He swings it at DEAN, who catches it and takes it away from him before knocking him out. GERRY (BOLTAR) falls to the floor. GILDA walks to CHARLIE.

CHARLIE

Are you okay?

GILDA

I'm free of the spell. You saved me. The Hollow Forest is forever in your debt. I must return to those green hills now. I will take my former master with me. He must face a fairy tribunal for his sins.

CHARLIE

Wait.

CHARLIE kisses GILDA, who then disappears in a twinkle and shimmer of lights. GERRY (BOLTAR)'s body seems to sink into the floor as it disappears in a puff of smoke.

CHARLIE

Call me... maybe?

ACT FIVE

EXT. MOONDOOR CAMP – DAY

SAM and DEAN in their regular clothes walk with CHARLIE.

SAM

So what's next for you, Charlie? New town? New identity?

CHARLIE

If the last 24 hours have taught me anything, it's that escaping isn't what it used to be. No more replacement characters for me. I got to face reality from now on. Sadly, reality actually includes monsters, but what are you gonna do? If I can ever be of help to you guys, let me know.

DEAN

Will do. And you, uh... you're good?

CHARLIE

Apart from the fact that you blocked me from banging a fairy, and I'm about to go lose my crown in battle, thanks to my army being decimated? [laughs] Yeah. Totally good. [She starts to leave, then turns back and holds up her hand in a Vulcan salute.] Smell you later, b*tches.

CHARLIE walks away.

DEAN

[clears throat] So, what's, uh... what's next? 'Cause no fun, right? Look, before you say anything, I – I – I get it. No amount of fun is gonna help you get over what you gave up. You just, uh... you need time, right?

SAM

Yeah. Thanks. And you're right. Having fun won't help me. It'll help both of us. Shall we?

EXT. MOONDOOR b*ttlefield – DAY

Epic music plays and mist rises. Two armies of costumed LARPers are lined up facing each other. DEAN, in costume and wearing a long-haired wig, addresses CHARLIE's army. Half his face is painted red and part of the other half painted white. He wears two orc ears on a string around his neck.

DEAN

And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance –

SAM stands in costume next to CHARLIE. His hair is in a ponytail. Two opposite quarters of his face are painted red and a further quarter white.

CHARLIE

Isn't that the speech from –

SAM

It's the only one he knows.

DEAN

Just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they will never take...

SQUIRE IN CHARLIE'S ARMY

Hold!

The music comes to a stop. A Frisbee sails onto the ground in the space between the two armies and a MAN runs after it. People in the armies mutter.

MAN

Uh, my bad.

MALE VOICE

Really?

The MAN picks up the Frisbee and runs away.

MAN

Sorry.

MALE VOICE

You can't be serious.

ANOTHER MALE VOICE

Freaks.

DEAN turns back to the army and nods to the SQUIRE, who gives him a thumbs-up. The music resumes.

DEAN

[raising and shaking his fake sword] ...our freedom!

The armies cheer and run at one another. The camera focuses on SAM and DEAN running side by side, swords raised. The frame freezes on this image, and the following text, narrated by a man, scrolls up the screen in cursive script.

This episode is dedicated to the men, women, elves, demigods, magi, druids and chamber pot servants who gave their lives fighting and winning for the Queen of Moons in the Battle of the Kingdoms. Go bravely into the next world, fallen soldiers.

END