09x05 - Dog Dean Afternoon

[bunniefuu]

NT. TAXIDERMIST’S SHOP – NIGHT

Stuffed animals are on display in a workshop. A sports broadcast plays on the radio.

RADIO

And with a 1:20 left in the game, it's 62-54. This team wants that championship. It would be great. He's up. It's good, but the ref's on the whistle. He's calling a foul.

A GERMAN SHEPHERD walks over to a desk at which a TAXIDERMIST is brushing the whiskers of a squirrel under a magnifying lamp. A completed squirrel is dressed in an ornate cape and holds a sword. Another has a bird draped across its back. A display sign reads “Game of Thrones.”

RADIO

It could be charging. Number 10 – he's not happy about that. This guy just about could foul out, and nobody but the ref wants to see that happen. Coach Johnson watching the clock. He calls time-out. Talking to the ref right now. You know, so far in this game, there have been a number of fouls called by this particular ref, and that's not...

The dog whines.

TAXIDERMIST

Easy, Colonel.

Something falls or is knocked over in the workshop. The GERMAN SHEPHERD barks and growls. The TAXIDERMIST switches off the radio, picks up a shotgun and goes to investigate.

TAXIDERMIST

Is anyone here?

He walks towards a large stuffed bear and seems surprised when he looks up and sees it.

TAXIDERMIST

Whoa! Gets me every time.

The GERMAN SHEPHERD barks as the TAXIDERMIST walks back to his desk.

TAXIDERMIST

What's the matter, boy? It's me.

The GERMAN SHEPHERD continues to bark as a MAN IN A COWBOY HAT appears behind the TAXIDERMIST. The TAXIDERMIST raises his shotgun, but the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT knocks it to the floor. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT opens his mouth and a long forked tongue protrudes.

TAXIDERMIST

What the hell?

The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT grabs the TAXIDERMIST by the throat and lifts him off the ground, choking him. As the TAXIDERMIST continues to splutter, the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT grabs him around the middle. We see their shadows reflected on the wall and hear a crunching noise as the TAXIDERMIST folds over backwards, his spine apparently broken.

SUPERNATURAL (Title Card)

ACT ONE

INT. BUNKER – DAY

SAM is sitting at the table as DEAN comes into the room.

DEAN

Wow.

SAM

What?

DEAN

Kevin. Just poured some buffalo milk down his gob twice.

SAM

Buffalo milk?

DEAN

Yeah, the hangover cure-all. It's got everything in it. Except buffalo milk.

SAM

How is that kid still recovering from Branson?

DEAN

What can I say? He's an amateur. The slippery nipple sh*ts at the Dolly Parton Dixie Stampede nearly k*lled the guy.

SAM

All right. Well, uh, I got something that's gonna get us back on the road.

DEAN sits down next to SAM.

DEAN

A case?

SAM

Yeah.

DEAN

You sure you're ready for that?

SAM

Why would I not be ready for that?

DEAN

Aren't you kind of running on empty?

SAM

Yeah, but the last three nights straight, I had eight hours of shut-eye. For a hunter, that's like 20. Trust me, Dean. I feel good.

DEAN

Well, that's great and all, James Brown, but you're still recovering from the trials. I think you ought to pace yourself, you know? And the sooner you heal...

SAM

Yeah?

DEAN

I just want you back to your old self.

SAM

I am, Dean. Look, Kevin's back on the heaven spell. Crowley's locked up. We should be out there doing what we do best.

DEAN

Yeah…

SAM

You want to listen at least? [He doesn’t wait for an answer.] Okay, great. Taxidermist named Max Alexander mysteriously crushed to death. Nearly every joint in his body dislocated, every bone broken. Poor guy is a human pretzel. You tell me what's got that kind of strength.

DEAN

A demonic luchador?

SAM

Shop's a couple hours away in Enid, Oklahoma. We should at least check it out. Unless there's some reason you think we shouldn't.

EXT. TAXIDERMIST’S SHOP – DAY

A sign reads “Mounted Treasures Taxidermy. Shipping & Receiving. Est 1967.” “DIE SCUM” has been written on the wall and door in red paint. On the painted “M” is a symbol of a dog’s paw print in an inverted triangle. SAM and DEAN in their FBI suits approach.

DEAN

Subtle.

SAM

Check that out. [He points to the symbol.] Huh. [He takes out his phone and takes a picture of the symbol.]

INT. TAXIDERMIST’S SHOP – DAY

DEAN and SAM walk past mounted trophy heads and stuffed animals.

DEAN

Well, the creep factor just skyrocketed.

A SHERIFF holds up his hands.

SHERIFF

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

SAM

How are you? Agents Michaels and Deville.

SAM and DEAN hold up their FBI badges.

SHERIFF

The body's already been to the morgue. Just wrapping it up with Dave Stephens. He's the one who discovered the body. Such a shame. I used to go hunting with Max. He was a real good egg.

DEAN

Sorry for your loss.

SHERIFF

Thanks.

DEAN

You mind showing my partner around? I just got a couple questions for Mr. Stephens.

SHERIFF

Okay. Come on.

SAM follows the SHERIFF into the next room. DEAN approaches DAVE STEPHENS.

DEAN

Dave Stephens?

DAVE

Yeah.

DEAN

I just got a couple questions for you if that's all right.

DAVE

I'll tell you whatever you need to know. Max was a... a real pal.

DEAN

Hunting buddy?

DAVE

[looking impressed that DEAN figured this out] Mm. Yeah.

DEAN

Eh, lucky guess. So, uh, about what time did you discover the body?

DAVE

About 9 a.m. – my usual pickup time. I come in every Wednesday and Sundays, uh, to collect the entrails.

DEAN

The what?

DAVE

The animal organs.

DEAN

Ah.

DAVE

After Max would, uh, dig them out and work his magic.

DEAN

Huh.

SAM holds up one of the “Game of Thrones” squirrels, which is wearing a dress with a large bow.

DAVE

He, uh – he was a real artist, you know? Strange thing is, though, uh, bins were empty this morning.

DEAN

Why is that strange?

DAVE

Well, because it's a Sunday. Weekend hunts are pretty much a given in this neck of the woods, so they're usually, mm, chock-full of guts.

DEAN

Ah.

DAVE

Mm.

DEAN

Any chance Max could have cleaned them out himself?

DAVE

No. It's a – it's a biohazard. You can't just, you know, throw the stuff out. You got to burn it.

The SHERIFF comes back into the room.

DEAN

Huh. [to the SHERIFF] Is there, uh, anything else missing from the shop?

SHERIFF

No. The register was full, and the safe was intact. And all of Max's trophies were still on the walls.

DEAN

And was there anybody else here when you showed up?

DAVE

No one. No, other than, uh... [he looks at the GERMAN SHEPHERD, which someone is putting on a leash] The Colonel.

DEAN

Hmm.

SAM comes back into the room.

DEAN

Excuse us.

SAM and DEAN walk a short distance away.

SAM

So?

DEAN

Okay, so, uh... we got a thief who's jonesing for animal parts, we got a pagan symbol, and we got a human pretzel.

SAM

Yeah, it all sounds very witch-y, but I wasn't able to find a hex bag.

DEAN

All right, well, let's keep digging. [The camera focuses on an owl.] But, uh, not here. I don't like the way that one's looking at me.

EXT. MOTEL – DAY

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

SAM is using the laptop.

SAM

Okay, uh, that... symbol in the graffiti, it's... not wiccan. It's copywritten. Local animal-rights group, Enid's answer to PETA.

SAM holds the laptop out to DEAN. It shows a website titled S.N.A.R.T.: Showing No Animal Rough Treatment.

DEAN

S.N.A.R.T.? You got to be kidding me.

SAM

Well, it makes sense that an animal-rights group would have an axe to grind with a taxidermist.

DEAN

Why? The animal's already dead.

SAM

Yeah, but hunters are what keep them in business. Now the question is, are those bleeding hearts actually witches or just hippies?

DEAN

What's the difference?

EXT. GENTLE EARTH VEGAN BAKERY – DAY

DEAN and SAM in their FBI suits enter the bakery.

INT. GENTLE EARTH VEGAN BAKERY – DAY

DEAN

Always knew I'd find the source of all evil at a vegan bakery.

SAM

What's that smell?

DEAN

Patchouli. Yeah, mixed with depression from meat deprivation.

SAM

Hmm.

DEAN

Hey. [The camera focuses on the couple serving behind the counter, both of whom are wearing dark sunglasses.] You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people. And douchebags.

SAM and DEAN walk to the counter.

SAM

Olivia and Dylan Camrose?

OLIVIA

At your service.

DEAN

You two are members of S.N.A.R.T.?

OLIVIA

Founders and co-presidents, actually. Uh, can we interest you in some literature?

OLIVIA holds up a S.N.A.R.T. brochure. SAM makes a “no” motion with his hand.

DYLAN

Or a flaxseed scone? It's wheat-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, and surprisingly moist.

DEAN

Let me stop you right there. [He and SAM take out their ID badges.] Uh, we're here to investigate the death of Max Alexander, a local taxidermist.

OLIVIA

He's... dead?

DEAN

You knew him?

OLIVIA

Ish. Um... small town.

SAM

Well, he was m*rder*d last night, and a S.N.A.R.T. logo was found at the crime scene. You two wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

OLIVIA and DYLAN look at each other.

CUT TO:

DYLAN, OLIVIA, DEAN and SAM are sitting around a table in the bakery.

DYLAN

His business is funded by hunters, and you know how hunters are. They're selfish dicks who define themselves by what they k*ll.

SAM and DEAN glance at each other.

OLIVIA

And as animal advocates, we couldn't stand for that.

SAM

So, you k*lled him?

OLIVIA

Of course not. S.N.A.R.T. doesn't tolerate v*olence.

DEAN

Huh. This coming from a couple who spray-paints death threats.

DYLAN

It was a scare tactic. We just wanted to spook him.

OLIVIA

Turns out we were the ones who got spooked.

SAM

What does that mean?

OLIVIA and DYLAN look at each other and he nods.

OLIVIA

Well, last night, when we were tagging the joint, we heard this noise.

DYLAN

A hissing noise.

OLIVIA

It freaked us out, so we ran out into the alley.

DYLAN

But someone att*cked us.

OLIVIA

Sprayed us in the eyes with mace.

DYLAN

And it's not like we could go to the cops.

OLIVIA

So, now we look like total douchebags because we have to wear our sunglasses inside.

DYLAN and OLIVIA remove their sunglasses to reveal blotchy red skin around their eyes. DEAN makes a hand motion to indicate that they should put their sunglasses back on.

CUT TO:

An article titled “Black Eyes” on a “Med Research” website is open on the laptop.

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

DEAN

Necrosis?

SAM is sitting at the table in front of the laptop.

SAM

Premature death of tissues – that's why their eyes were all messed up. [DEAN walks over to him, opening a beer.] And it's not caused by mace.

DEAN

All right. What caused it?

SAM

Right here. "Blunt force, radiation, venom."

DEAN

As in "snake"?

SAM

The taxidermist was constricted. Olivia and Dylan heard hissing, and they were sprayed in the eyes.

DEAN

By venom.

SAM

By venom.

DEAN

Okay, so... What are we talking here, some sort of a freaky-ass snake monster? [He sits down opposite SAM.]

SAM

Maybe. The weird thing is snakes either envenomate or constrict. No snake does both.

DEAN

Correction – freaky-ass mega-snake monster.

SAM

[laughs] It could be a Vetala.

DEAN

Yeah, but they're not afraid to sink their fangs in. Taxidermist was bite-free. It doesn't really fit the profile.

SAM

Right. So...?

DEAN

So, call Kevin. Have him look some stuff up.

EXT. ENID ANIMAL SHELTER – NIGHT

INT. ENID ANIMAL SHELTER – NIGHT

A YOUNG MAN is behind the counter. He picks up his phone, on which he is playing a word game. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT enters.

YOUNG MAN

Aren't you early, dude?

The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT slides a $100 bill across the counter.

The YOUNG MAN smiles and takes the money.

YOUNG MAN

Hmm.

The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT walks through a door to the kennels. Dogs bark. One of the dogs is a GERMAN SHEPHERD, which the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT pauses to look at. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT opens a cage, takes out a cat and puts it into a bag. He opens two more cages and puts two more cats into the bag.

CUT TO:

The YOUNG MAN behind the counter hears meowing and barking as he plays the game on his phone.

CUT TO:

The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT opens another cage and lifts out a cat. He smiles.

CUT TO:

We see a close-up of the word game on the YOUNG MAN’s phone. A particularly loud meow comes from the kennels. The YOUNG MAN puts down his phone and goes into the kennel area. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT has his back to him. There is a crunching noise. As the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT turns, the YOUNG MAN sees that he is eating a cat, which he’s holding by the tail. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT loudly swallows down the cat.

YOUNG MAN

Dude! You said you were from a perfume company.

The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT’s pupils become vertical slits and his fingernails turn into claws. The YOUNG MAN runs for the door, but the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT catches him.

YOUNG MAN

No! No!

Blood splatters the door and the YOUNG MAN slides down it.

ACT TWO

INT. ENID ANIMAL SHELTER – DAY

The YOUNG MAN is in an open body bag. DEAN and SAM are in their FBI suits.

DEAN

Claw marks?

SAM

Yeah. The cops said all the cats went missing.

DEAN and SAM walk slowly past the kennels.

DEAN

Right, so, yesterday, uh, we're dealing with some sort of a snake monster. Today, it's a k*ller kitty.

SAM

I don't know.

DEAN

Hey. [He pauses in front of the GERMAN SHEPHERD’s kennel.] Why does that mutt look familiar?

SAM reads a chart clipped to the kennel.

SAM

That was the taxidermist's dog.

DEAN

So, he's been at both crime scenes?

SAM

Yeah.

DEAN

Maybe he's a suspect. You know may– [He breaks off as an officer walks past.] Could be a skinwalker, maybe a shapeshifter.

SAM

Doesn't really look like a monster to me.

DEAN holds up a silver dollar.

DEAN

One way to find out. Come here, boy. Hey. This isn't gonna hurt at all. Unless it hurts.

DEAN rubs THE COLONEL behind the ears with the silver dollar. THE COLONEL doesn’t react.

DEAN

Hmm.

SAM

I guess we can, uh, rule out k*ller.

THE COLONEL barks as the SHERIFF walks over to them.

SHERIFF

Do you agents need any further assistance?

The SHERIFF removes his hat and THE COLONEL stops barking.

SAM

Officer, I think we're okay. Thanks.

SHERIFF

All right, well, let me know.

The SHERIFF replaces his hat on his head and THE COLONEL barks.

DEAN

Officer. Excuse me. Uh, can I borrow your hat?

The SHERIFF unquestioningly takes off his hat and gives it to DEAN. DEAN puts on the hat and THE COLONEL barks. He takes off the hat and THE COLONEL is silent. DEAN gives the hat back to the SHERIFF.

SHERIFF

[to THE COLONEL] Good luck getting adopted.

The SHERIFF leaves the kennels.

SAM

Okay, so, THE COLONEL's not a suspect.

DEAN

Yeah, but he's a witness. [to THE COLONEL] Hey, boy. You speak sign language?

SAM

That's monkeys.

DEAN

Huh?

SAM

You know what? This is gonna sound crazy. [He takes out his phone.] I read this book once about this guy who tried to teach his dog to speak after it witnessed a m*rder.

DEAN

It worked?

SAM

No.

DEAN

But he wrote a book about it?

SAM

Yeah, well, he doesn't have what we have. [on phone] Kevin. Hey, it's me. How do we speak to a dog?

EXT. MOTEL – DAY

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

SAM and DEAN are sitting at the table. THE COLONEL lies on the floor.

DEAN

An Inuit spell.

SAM

Yeah. Who knew the, uh, Men of Letters had its own Eskimo section?

DEAN

And it's supposed to let us communicate with The Colonel?

SAM plucks hair from THE COLONEL’s coat.

SAM

Yeah, well... that's the plan. [He puts the hair into a bowl and stirs the contents vigorously.] Kevin said it's like a sort of a human/animal mind meld.

DEAN

Meaning?

SAM

If it works, we should be able to read The Colonel's thoughts.

SAM pours the contents of the bowl into a glass.

DEAN

All right, I'll do it. [He takes the glass.] You – you got enough on your plate.

SAM

Like what?

DEAN

Uh, like... you're tired. You're on the mend. Okay? Plus, you – you've got a sensitive stomach. Last thing we need is you chucking this stuff up. Huh?

SAM scoffs. DEAN looks at the red liquid in the glass.

DEAN

Doesn't look so bad. [He drinks the liquid in one gulp.] I was wrong. [He gestures to SAM.] Come on.

SAM hands DEAN a book.

DEAN

[clearing his throat] Ha! [He reads from the book.] "Deila hér me. Dag eru nou rar vitur orum."

[to THE COLONEL] All right. Let's get this party started. Tell me everything you know.

THE COLONEL yawns.

DEAN

What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? [He laughs, SAM doesn’t.] Tough crowd.

THE COLONEL barks. DEAN looks at SAM and shakes his head to say that he doesn’t understand.

CUT TO:

DEAN and SAM are at the table eating take-out food. Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is” plays.

♪ I got to take a little time ♪

DEAN

So, call Kevin.

♪ A little time to think things over ♪

DEAN

Spell tasted like ass and was a bust.

SAM

At least it didn't affect your appetite. Geez.

DEAN

Yeah.

The camera focuses on THE COLONEL, who is sitting at DEAN’s feet looking up at him.

STRANGE MALE VOICE

Change the station.

DEAN looks at THE COLONEL.

♪ I better read between the lines ♪

STRANGE MALE VOICE

Change the station.

♪ In case I need it when I'm older ♪

DEAN

What?

SAM

What?

DEAN

You – shut up. It's working!

SAM

It – go!

♪ Ohh ♪

DEAN

[to THE COLONEL] Say that again.

THE COLONEL

You call this classic rock? [scoffs] Next thing you know, they'll be playing Styx.

♪ Now this mountain I must climb ♪

THE COLONEL

And Dennis DeYoung? A punk.

DEAN

Dennis DeYoung's not a punk. He's Mr. Roboto, bitch.

SAM

Why are you arguing with the dog about Styx?

DEAN

Wh– uh, yeah. Um, hey, boy. What were you trying to tell us about Cowboy Hat?

THE COLONEL

The douchewheel who k*lled my best friend was wearing a cowboy hat.

DEAN

And the pothead, too?

THE COLONEL

Yep. Same guy k*lled both.

♪ In my life ♪

SAM

Ask about the cats.

SAM throws a rolled-up food wrapper past DEAN into a garbage can.

DEAN

Yeah, uh –

♪ There's been heartache and pain ♪

DEAN casually takes the wrapper out of the garbage can and puts it in front of SAM.

DEAN

And what about the cats?

♪ I don't know ♪

THE COLONEL

I don't know.

SAM

[holding up the food wrapper] I don't want this.

THE COLONEL

I couldn't see much. I didn't exactly have the best view in the orphanage. Oh, but I could smell him. Guy reeked of red meat, dishwashing detergent and tiger balm.

DEAN

Huh.

SAM

So, what's he saying?

SAM throws the food wrapper towards the garbage can again, missing this time.

DEAN

Uh, that the – the guy [he retrieves the food wrapper from the floor and tosses it across the table to SAM] he smelled like ground chuck and soap suds and old-lady cream.

SAM holds up the food wrapper.

SAM

Dean, what are you doing?

♪ I want you to show me ♪

DEAN scratches behind his ear.

DEAN

I don't know.

THE COLONEL turns his head on the side and laughs. DEAN scratches behind his ear again.

DEAN

Oh, what are you laughing at?

A vehicle pulls up outside.

THE COLONEL

Uh...

THE COLONEL barks. DEAN stands up, goes to the window and parts the curtains. A MAILMAN is getting out of the vehicle.

DEAN

Hey! Hey, hey! Yeah! [He points at the mailman.] You! You!

The MAILMAN looks at DEAN, but walks away. THE COLONEL continues to bark.

DEAN

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, you! You! You! You! [He growls.]

SAM

Uh, Dean?

DEAN

Hmm?

SAM

I think the spell worked. Fact, I think it worked a little too well.

DEAN sits down at the table again.

DEAN

What?

SAM

I think... you might be a dog.

DEAN

[scratching behind his ear] What?

SAM

You're scratching your head. You're... barking at the mailman. You're playing fetch.

SAM throws the food wrapper into the garbage can again.

DEAN

I –

DEAN looks at the food wrapper, makes a movement towards it and restrains himself. He makes a whimpering noise.

DEAN

Ruh-roh.

ACT THREE

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

SAM is on the phone.

SAM (on phone)

Yeah. No, that – okay.

DEAN is sitting on the end of a bed, staring at THE COLONEL, who is looking back at him.

SAM (on phone)

All right. Thanks.

SAM hangs up.

SAM

So, apparently, the Inuit spell has some side effects.

DEAN

Oh, well, that would have been nice to know before I downed it! What kind of side effects?

SAM

When you mind meld with an animal, it's... possible to start exhibiting some of its behavior.

THE COLONEL

Don't look at me, Hoss. It ain't my fault.

DEAN

Well, how long am I gonna have the urge to...

THE COLONEL

Sniff butts? [laughs]

DEAN

Oh, whoa. Hey. I don't have the urge to sniff butts.

THE COLONEL

Yet.

SAM

Do you really h-have the –

DEAN

No! Come on!

SAM

Well, Kevin doesn't know how long it'll last. It's not like it's an exact science, you know? But hopefully, when the spell wears off, so will the side effects.

DEAN takes a bite of a chocolate bar.

THE COLONEL

I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

DEAN stops with a piece of chocolate between his lips.

THE COLONEL

Chocolate? Seriously.

DEAN lets the piece of chocolate fall out of his mouth.

EXT. MOTEL – DAY

SAM, DEAN and THE COLONEL walk across the motel parking lot to the IMPALA. DEAN has THE COLONEL on a leash.

THE COLONEL

Where we headed?

DEAN

Back to the shelter.

THE COLONEL

To sniff out more clues, maybe dig up something we missed?

DEAN

All right, one more doggy pun out of you, and I'm gonna have your nuts clipped.

THE COLONEL

I hate to break it to you, Hoss. My sack's emptier than Santa's after Christmas.

Bird crap appears on the IMPALA’s windshield.

DEAN

Aw, are you kidding me?

A pigeon is sitting on top of a lamp pole above the IMPALA.

DEAN

Hey, d*ck move, pigeon!

PIGEON

Screw you, asshat.

DEAN reaches out and touches SAM, who looks at him.

DEAN

Did –

SAM

What?

DEAN

Wait a minute. Can I hear all animals?

THE COLONEL

Yep. Animals have a universal language – like Esperanto. But this one actually caught on.

PIGEON

And I'm just getting started, too. Brewing a real big one. Ha. Bet your ride's gonna look sweet in white.

SAM

What's he saying?

DEAN

You – he's being a douchebag!

PIGEON

Who you calling "douchebag," douchebag?

DEAN

Oh, shut it, you winged rat!

SAM looks around at a man and a woman watching them.

SAM

Dude.

DEAN

What?

SAM

Hey. [He waves to the man and woman watching.] Just calm down. Just get in the car. [He smiles.]

PIGEON

Ha ha. That's right, Sally. Go cry to mama.

DEAN

[taking out his g*n and pointing it at the pigeon] Oh, that's it, you son of a bitch!

SAM

Dean! [He grabs DEAN’s g*n arm and pulls it down.] Get in the car.

SAM waves in two directions to onlookers.

EXT. ENID ANIMAL SHELTER – DAY

The IMPALA pulls into the parking lot. SAM is driving. DEAN and THE COLONEL are both sticking their heads out the windows. As SAM parks the car, DEAN blinks and looks somewhat perplexed as he brings his head back inside the car. DEAN and SAM get out.

SAM

I think it's probably best to just leave The Colonel in the car.

DEAN

Excuse me?

SAM

Well, all the windows are open.

DEAN

You think we like that?

SAM

We?

DEAN

You think because the windows are open that that's some sort of a treat, huh? No, the dog's coming in.

THE COLONEL

Respect.

DEAN rubs THE COLONEL on the head and opens the door for him. They are heading for the door of the shelter when DEAN’s attention is caught by a white standard poodle with pink bows on its ears, which is tied with a pink leash to a bike rack. Music plays as DEAN stares appreciatively at the poodle and the camera slowly pans up the poodle’s body.

♪ Ooohh… ♪

DEAN and THE COLONEL stare at the poodle.

♪ Yeah, baby. ♪
♪ Good God. ♪
♪ You said it. ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

SAM

Dean.

DEAN

Yep.

They enter the animal shelter.

INT. ENID ANIMAL SHELTER – DAY

DEAN

So, what else can you tell me about the man with the cowboy hat?

FEMALE VOICE

Honestly, I couldn't see much.

DEAN is speaking to a COLLIE in the kennels.

COLLIE

Damn cataracts. And you know no one's going to pay for my surgery. Just another casualty of the system, I guess. I don't belong here, you know. I'm pedigreed.

DEAN

Well, I'm sure you'll be out of here soon.

COLLIE

Please. I'm 14.

DEAN

Good luck... ma'am.

DEAN closes the door to the COLLIE’s kennel and walks slowly away. The DOG in the next kennel speaks to him.

DOG 2

Once a day they clean these cages. Once a day!

DEAN

Okay.

DOG 3

A biscuit. Just one biscuit.

DOG 4

I need a Raquel Welch poster and a rock hammer.

DOG 5

I'm shaking the fence, boss. Still shaking the fence.

DOG 6

Over here!

DOG 7

I was framed!

DOG 6

Over here!

DOG 5

I'm shaking the fence, boss. Still shaking the fence!

SAM is standing at the end of the kennels.

SAM

Any luck?

DEAN

[sighs] Hardly. And I'm not getting any clues – just a bunch of complaints.

YORKIE

Hey, pretty boy. Over here.

DEAN

Yeah, uh, sorry, pal. I'm done for the day.

YORKIE

But I saw everything! And I'll tell you, but it'll cost you.

DEAN

What? Are you kidding me? I'm being extorted by a dog. Well, what do you want, huh? What? Beggin' strips? Snausages?

YORKIE

Bitch, please. If I'm gonna rat someone out, it's got to be worth my while. I want... a belly rub.

DEAN

You – All right.

YORKIE

Not from you, sweetie. From that big one. [laughs and looks at SAM] Over there. Hi!

CUT TO:

SAM is holding the YORKIE and rubbing its belly.

YORKIE

Ohh, a – a cowboy hat, leather pants. The dude's a total closet case.

DEAN

Okay, what else can you tell me about the guy other than his outfit?

YORKIE

Um, he was carrying a burlap sack for the cats.

DEAN

What does he want with the cats?

YORKIE

Ooh, attaboy, yes. Hell if I know. But he took all of them, except for the one he ate.

DEAN

Ew.

SAM

What?

DEAN

Apparently, our guy has a sweet tooth for kitty cats.

SAM

Huh.

YORKIE

Oh. Oh, and the sack had something written on it.

SAM stops rubbing and shakes out his hand.

DEAN

Okay, what did it say?

The YORKIE whines.

DEAN

Hey, come on. We had a deal.

YORKIE

Well, you tell that to the tall drink. He's the one who stopped rubbing.

DEAN

Sam.

SAM

Hand cramps.

DEAN

He's not talking.

SAM resumes rubbing the YORKIE’s belly.

YORKIE

Attaboy. It said “Avant-Garde Cuisine.” Lucky for you, I read French.

THE COLONEL

That's a café on Main Street. No dogs allowed.

DEAN

Well, no wonder he smelled like hamburgers and dish soap. We got to go downtown. Apparently our guy works at a restaurant.

DEAN motions for SAM to put the YORKIE back in its kennel.

YORKIE

Whoa-oh, yeah. No, no, wait, wait, wait. Sure you don't want to adopt me?

DEAN

No, thanks. Uh, we'll pass.

DEAN closes the kennel door and he and SAM walk away.

YORKIE

No, I'm not above licking feet. Hey, big'un! Come back here!

DEAN

All right. [He reaches down for THE COLONEL’s leash.] Hey, hold up.

SAM

What's the matter?

YORKIE

Best belly rub I ever had.

DEAN opens a kennel door and DOG 2 hurries out.

DOG 2

Freedom!

DEAN opens another kennel door and another dog leaves.

DOG 8

I left a surprise in there for animal control.

THE COLONEL

I didn't peg you for a softy.

DOG 9

Going home. I'm going home. Honey, I'm coming home.

DEAN opens another kennel door.

DOG 9

I'm coming home.

DOG 10

I’m going home!

DOG 9

Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!

EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

The IMPALA pulls up outside the back door of the restaurant and SAM and DEAN get out. SAM picks the lock on the door and they enter.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

DEAN

Honestly, who can afford to be closed on Monday these days?

SAM

A homicidal maniac?

DEAN

Yeah.

SAM

Hey.

SAM opens a door and shines a flashlight around the dark room.

SAM

Check this out. [He shines the flashlight on a photo of the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT sharpening a Kn*fe.] Chef Leo. Think he's our guy?

DEAN

It's Okie town. Lots of dudes wear cowboy hats.

The walk past shelves of ingredients. SAM opens a drawer to find a bunch of pill bottles.

SAM

Whoa. Oxycodone, tramadol, methadone.

DEAN

Hmm. Guess he likes to cook comfortably numb.

SAM

Yeah, apparently.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 1

Help us.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 2

Please, mister.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 3

Over here!

DEAN

Did you hear that? Sounded like little kids.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 1

Help. If you don't free us, the chef will eat us.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 2

She's not lying.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 3

We're in a cage!

DEAN lifts the cover off a cage to reveal four mice.

DEAN

Eat you?

MOUSE 1

Look in the refrigerator behind you.

MOUSE 2

Yeah, behind you.

MOUSE 3

In the fridge.

SAM opens a book as DEAN looks in the refrigerator, which holds containers of organs.

DEAN

Hey. Owl brains. Cheetah liver. Grizzly heart.

SAM

I found a spell book. Shamanism.

DEAN

Well, what's a chef doing dabbling with witchcraft?

SAM

It says here whatever animal organ you ingest with the right mix of hoodoo and spices, you temporarily gain the power of that animal. So, okay, if you're munching on owl brains...

DEAN

Your head spins around like "The Exorcist"?

SAM

Close. Bolsters your IQ. Okay, eat a cheetah liver for speed, bear heart for strength.

DEAN

Okay, so if he's chowing down on this stuff –

SAM

Then it would make sense why he constricted the taxidermist and clawed the guy at the shelter.

DEAN

[to the MICE] Well, no offense, but why would he want to eat you guys?

MOUSE

Uh, we have collapsible spines.

MOUSE 2

We do.

MOUSE 3

Promise.

SAM

Look at this.

DEAN

Hmm.

SAM

Lion liver plus eagle heart. Rattlesnake fangs plus anaconda bladder. [He is looking at recipes on cards.] Baboon brains plus black widow abdomen. He's mixing ingredients.

DEAN

What the hell for?

They hear a noise in another room.

MOUSE

Shoo! Quiet!

MOUSE 2

Don't shush me!

MOUSE 3

You be quiet!

MOUSE 4

I’m as quiet as a mouse. [laughs]

DEAN and SAM step out into the hallway with their g*ns drawn. They walk around several corners to the kitchen where a CHEF is grinding ingredients in a bowl. They hide their g*ns behind their backs.

CHEF

Who the hell are you?

SAM

We're from the health department. Stopped by for an inspection.

CHEF

I wasn't aware we had one scheduled.

DEAN

Yeah, no, you wouldn't be. That's the point. Besides, I thought you were closed.

CHEF

We are. Chef's having a private dinner. [A WAITER enters carrying a platter of food.] In fact, he'll be here any minute.

DEAN

Oh. Well, then. In that case, kitchen's shut down.

CHEF

Shut down? Why?

SAM

Because, uh, y-you're both in clear violation of penal code 8.14.

DEAN

Out. Come on. Get out. Both of you. We'll let you know.

The CHEF and WAITER leave.

DEAN

All right. I'll take the front. You take the back.

SAM

Do we even know how to k*ll this guy?

DEAN

[looking at his g*n] Well, empty one of these in his head. See what that does.

DEAN goes into the dining area. SAM hears a noise from the back and goes to investigate. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT, no longer wearing a hat and now in a uniform with the name “Chef Leo,” materializes from curtains behind SAM. SAM spins around, but CHEF LEO slashes SAM across the throat. SAM reels backwards with a hand to his throat.

SAM

Aah!

CHEF LEO

Chameleons aren't that bad. Kind of taste like chicken.

SAM turns away, gasping and shaking. His eyes briefly turn blue: EZEKIEL has taken over. EZEKIEL holds two fingers to SAM’s throat and the wounds heal. His eyes blaze blue again: SAM has returned. SAM gasps for breath. He clasps his throat, looks at his hand, then does it again. There is still blood on his neck, but he appears to be fully healed. He turns to face CHEF LEO.

CHEF LEO

How the hell did you do that?

SAM

D-do what?

CHEF LEO

Don't play coy. I want to know what you are. Oh, screw the sharktopus.

CHEF LEO hits SAM, who falls unconscious to the floor.

CHEF LEO

You're my main course.

ACT FOUR

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

SAM lies unconscious on the floor as CHEF LEO sharpens a Kn*fe. DEAN comes around a corner holding his g*n.

CHEF LEO

Why does it smell like dog in here?

He turns and sees DEAN.

CHEF LEO

That smell's coming from you.

DEAN fires, but CHEF LEO leans out of the path of the b*llet, which breaks a jar on a shelf behind him. CHEF LEO throws a kitchen machete, which lodges into a pillar next to DEAN. CHEF LEO grabs and punches DEAN, sending him to his knees. CHEF LEO picks up a cord and puts it around DEAN’s neck.

CHEF LEO

All dogs should be leashed.

CHEF LEO ties DEAN to the pillar with his hands behind his back. DEAN sees SAM lying on the floor.

DEAN

What did you do to my brother?

CHEF LEO

Your brother? What was your mom smoking when she had you two? He's fine. He's just taking a little cat nap before dinner. I've never had human heart before. Heard it's a bit chewy. Good job I'm not a fussy eater.

CHEF LEO returns to sharpening his Kn*fe.

DEAN

You're sick.

CHEF LEO

Been told that once or twice.

DEAN

No, no. Not in the head. I, uh – well, you are that, too, but I mean sick like cancer.

CHEF LEO

Well, I guess dogs really can sniff it out. Stage IV carcinoma.

DEAN

Huh. So that's why you're doing this. What happened? Draw the short straw, decided to break bad?

CHEF LEO

See, when I was diagnosed, I was way past standard treatment. No one could save me. But then with the help of a Pawnee shaman and a zoo membership, I found a cure, albeit a temporary one. Cancer always came back.

DEAN

You start experimenting with different organs, huh? Traded in the single serving for a combo platter.

CHEF LEO

Well, what can I say? Combination therapy works. I felt stronger, and the effects lasted longer.

DEAN

And if you smoke a few innocent people in the process, well, hell, at least you felt better.

CHEF LEO

Well, I didn't mean to k*ll anyone – at first. But if people got in my way, they became collateral damage. Guess you eat enough predators, you start to become one. You are what you eat, right? [laughs]

DEAN

Do you really think the power you hold over other people's lives can make up for what you lack in your own?

CHEF LEO

So, dog boy, what do I need to eat to take you down, huh?

CHEF LEO opens an ice chest.

DEAN

You don't want to do this.

CHEF LEO

Oh, but I do want to do this. [He takes out a container labelled “Possum Intestines.”] See, I'm gonna k*ll you, work up a nice appetite [he takes out another contained labelled “Mongoose Liver”], and then I'm gonna eat your brother. I mean, I don't know what the hell he is, but with healing powers like that, who cares? He could cure me.

DEAN is rubbing the cord against the back corner of the pillar, causing the cord to fray.

CHEF LEO

Ah. [He holds up a container labelled “Wolf Heart.”] Dog on sort-of dog.

DEAN continues trying to break the cord while CHEF LEO takes out the wolf’s heart and holds it in his hands.

CHEF LEO

Rahuraar, sakuriisat iisat a ti'pah kaawakit. 'A tarahkista'u... a raah.

DEAN breaks the cord. CHEF LEO takes a bite of the wolf heart. DEAN removes the machete from the pillar and slashes at CHEF LEO, who knocks the machete to the floor and sends DEAN backwards. CHEF LEO’s teeth descend into fangs. DEAN runs and CHEF LEO chases after him with a yell.

EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

DEAN bursts out the exit door. CHEF LEO follows a moment later.

CHEF LEO

Sorry. Wolf trumps dog.

DEAN

Maybe. But not a whole pack.

DEAN whistles and the dogs from the shelter come running, led by THE COLONEL. CHEF LEO tries unsuccessfully to open the restaurant door and get through a fence before the dogs att*ck him. He screams. DEAN watches with a grimace.

ACT FIVE

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

DEAN hurries to SAM, who is still lying unconscious on the floor. DEAN holds SAM’s face in his hands and slaps him lightly.

DEAN

Hey. For the love of God, Sammy. Hey, Sammy. Zeke. Whoever the hell you are. Hey. Come on. Don't make me lick your damn face. Hey.

DEAN puts a hand on SAM’s chest and shakes him. SAM opens his eyes and draws a deep breath. DEAN bows his head in relief. DEAN grabs SAM’s jacket and puts a hand behind his back to help him up.

DEAN

Come on.

INT. GENTLE EARTH VEGAN BAKERY – NIGHT

OLIVIA is crouching in front of THE COLONEL, patting him.

DYLAN

When you called us about adopting him, we couldn't believe it.

OLIVIA

Aren't you the sweetest?

THE COLONEL

Ugh. Back off, tofu-breath.

OLIVIA

Oh, you must be starving. Lucky for you, I baked some vegan doggy cupcakes.

OLIVIA stands up and goes to get the cupcakes with DYLAN.

THE COLONEL

Agh! I'm gonna be pooping wheatgrass with these two.

DEAN crouches down in front of him.

DEAN

Look, I know they're hippie freaks, but they're gonna give you a good home – one that you deserve.

THE COLONEL

Yeah, yeah.

DEAN

Wish we could take you on the road with us, but it's no life for a dog.

THE COLONEL

Don't sweat it. I get carsick anyway. I was afraid to tell you earlier, but I barfed in your back seat.

DEAN

You...

THE COLONEL

What?

DEAN

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

THE COLONEL holds out a paw, which DEAN shakes.

THE COLONEL

I'll miss you, too. And by the way, as an honorary dog, there's something you should know. Dogs aren't really man's best friend.

DEAN

What are you talking about?

THE COLONEL

I know it sounds like a conspiracy theory, but the real reason we were put here was to... [he barks]

DEAN

Put here to do what?

THE COLONEL barks some more.

DEAN

Oh, you got to be kidding me. Oh, now the spell wears off?! [He rubs a hand over his face and pats THE COLONEL.] Okay.

EXT. GENTLE EARTH VEGAN BAKERY – NIGHT

SAM is waiting by the IMPALA.

SAM

How did it go?

DEAN

Well, bad news is I'm gonna miss the flea bag. Good news is it looks like the spell is finally wearing off. You okay? The Stetson man got you pretty good.

SAM

Yeah, I'm fine. I-I just, uh... I can't stop thinking about what he said.

DEAN

Oh, come on, Sammy. Guy was out of his freaking gourd.

SAM

Yeah, but, I mean, why – why would he ask that? Why – why did he want to know what I was?

DEAN

Who the hell knows? He was all jacked up on juice, you know? He was possessed by – by something he couldn't control. It was... [long pause] It was a – a matter of time before it completely took over. You can't reason with crazy, right?

SAM

I don't know.

DEAN

Well, I do. Trust me, Sam. You got nothing to worry about.

They get into the IMPALA. DEAN glances at SAM and starts the engine. They drive away.

END

Source : SuperWiki