01x11 - You Can't Take It With Jules

[bunniefuu]

GOSSIP GIRL: Is there
anything merrier than Christmas

in New York?

That, dear followers,
depends on if you've made

my naughty or nice list.

("MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY" BY
IKE AND TINA TURNER PLAYS)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

GOSSIP GIRL: Are you trying
to wipe the slate clean,

but coming up short?

- (GRUNTS)
- I didn't order...

Your father has an account with us.

Twelve-foot Douglas fir, every year.

You can cancel that.

GOSSIP GIRL: Pining for
happier holidays past?

Maybe wishing you could avoid
the holidays altogether this year?

PERSONAL SHOPPER: So, for
your mother, we have options.

The Santos de Cartier watch, classic,

or maybe the rose gold?

Whatever's the most expensive.

- Just...
- Of course.

And for Julien?

OBIE BERGMANN: Um...

that won't be necessary this year.

GOSSIP GIRL: Or are you drowning
your sorrows the old-fashioned way,

with some therapeutic online shopping?

Since, uh, Max is no longer an option,

I guess we have to widen
our net to find a third.

- We need a profile pic.
- Okay. Wait. (GIGGLES)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all ♪

- ♪ Jingle all the... ♪
- ♪ Way ♪

♪ Way ♪

Oh, so we are doing a
Christmas tree after all?

Oh, lord, no.

Pops is collecting this.

Which means no more Fruma-Sarah
nightmares of Nana Faye

finding out we do Christmas, or...

did Christmas.

- You don't mind, do you?
- No. No. I'm pretty non-denominational

about everything anyway, so...

That is something I
need to learn from you.

How to not be bound to
one thing your whole life.

MAX WOLFE: As you should.

'Cause, I mean, relationships
are just Ponzi schemes

that we repeatedly run on each other

that only end in pain and ruin.

I mean, look at you and
Pops. Jules and Obie.

Uh, Audrey's mom and
dad. Aki's mom and dad.

I mean, should I go on?

You can't think that way, Maxie.

There are good relationships. I promise.

Look at Audrey and Aki.

Their time is coming, too.

I mean, love is just a
distraction to bide our time

between now and when we're dead.

But not me. No. Not now, not ever.

Because I got my focus back.

GOSSIP GIRL: Whatever the reason
for your season, my lovelies,

rest assured that Gossip
Grinch is watching and waiting.

Waiting to snatch your presents
right out from under your nose.

(SIGHS) This is all my fault.

It's nobody's fault.

Okay, maybe, it's like
a little bit your fault.

Z, it's fine. We all make mistakes.

That's how we learn and how we grow.

You just need to let me worry
about finding a new apartment.

- And tuition.
- Just keep your head down,

and you'll get through
academic probation.

(SNAPS FINGER) On that note.

How 'bout a little
scholastic motivation?

Apparently, a bunch of
private schools decided to

throw their annual holiday
fundraiser together.

Taylor Mac's Holiday Sauce. (CHUCKLES)

I don't know.

Is donating to a school that's
taken my scholarship away

really what we should
be doing right now?

I have to stay in
good standing with them

just as much as you do.

Why are there three tickets?

I thought it would be nice,
given what's she's been through,

if we go along with Julien.

My entire time here has
been wrapped up in Julien.

If you don't mind, I'd like to
keep our potential farewell tour

to a smaller group.

- Okay.
- Bye, Dad.

NICK LOTT: Bye.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

("GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN"
BY ANNIE LENNOX PLAYING)

Guten Morgen, Kleiner.

- Heidi? What?
- (HEIDI BERGMANN LAUGHS)

I thought that we were
meeting in Munich...

(SMOOCHES) ... on Sunday?

Relax. I had a pending
acquisition to close here,

and I figured you could hitch
a ride back on the company jet.

We had beds put in
after Papa hurt his back,

so there's plenty of room for you

and whichever sister you're dating now.

What's with the face?
You're not happy to see me?

Of course I am. I'm just...

I'm surprised.

Would you like another?

- f*cking what?
- (HEIDI LAUGHS)

I didn't even know
you were dating anyone.

Does Mom know?

Of course. Klaus proposed
on Necker Island last month.

I mean, even Papa's thrilled.
Of course, he should be.

Klaus is German.

Usually I loathe other
Germans. They're too clean.

But Klaus is very, very dirty.

- (SCOFFS)
- I forget, you're clean too.

I, uh...

I didn't realize that there was
a family vacation without me.

Your social justice thing.

It's cute, and... and it
serves a purpose. Sometimes.

But you took it too far this time.

I did what I felt was right.

You always have, haven't you?
I mean, poor little Otto Junior,

too tender-hearted for
even pheasant hunting.

But someone had to take
your place, and that is why

I am where I am and
you are where you are.

And who the hell got you
to give up being single?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- (WHISPERS) But it's Christmas.
- So?

It gives him a whole two
weeks to prove it's not true.

Or it is true, and we blew it open.

And you said you saw the tip yourself.

We have to do something.

And I'm sick of it always
being the right thing.

(GRUNTS)

Hi, I'm calling from
the admissions office

- at Amherst.
- (SHUSHES)

We were reviewing the application

for, um, one of your athletes,

Isaiah Woodard, and
received an anonymous tip

that he tested positive for
performance enhancing dr*gs

perhaps given to him by the
coach there, one Scott Kovacs?

If you could connect me with
the Head of School so we could

resolve this matter
privately, that would be great.

One down. Two to go.

AKI MENZIES: What about Enzo?

A non-binary dance student at Juilliard.

I mean, they're gorg.

I don't know, there's
something about them.

I can't put my finger on it.

They're just not, uh... they're not...

OBIE: Max, she came in this
morning, and told me the whole thing.

No, I am sorry. I refuse to believe it.

That tantric enchantress
would never willingly volunteer

for the monotony of matrimony.

Heidi Bergmann doesn't settle down.

You go down on her. Hourly.

You line up for the privilege.
And it is a long line.

Wait, Heidi's getting married?

Yeah, I thought she was
dating one of the Skarsgårds?

All of them at the same time.

His name is Klaus Wagner
of the Wagner Hotel Group.

And apparently we have dinner tonight.

There's less than zero chance
that the heir to a hotel chain

with a cartoon squirrel
in PJs as its mascot

is up to my Heidi's standards.

Since when is she your Heidi?

Who do you think Max's first was?

- And next?
- Full body cringe.

- Yeah.
- I mean, I don't understand.

You want to sabotage her engagement?

No. I want to re-engage
her inner sybarite.

How long do I have?

Uh, well, we leave for
Munich on Thursday but...

Okay, well, then I've got
to focus on my breathwork.

And stretch.

You get a chance to
talk to Julien since...

No.

I mean, look, I get that what
she's going through is awful,

but if I'm being honest,

I felt like I started losing myself

- trying to help her again.
- I feel terrible,

but not speaking to her this weekend

has been a little bit of
a weight off my shoulders.

It's just, you know...

too much sometimes.

MAX: And now she's ignoring me.

One does not simply leave the Herb Ritts

- of d*ck pics on read, Obie.
- Uh, she's engaged.

Yeah, so she's happy, uh,
relaxed... in love, even.

No, you cannot possibly believe that.

Look, this is a woman
who made a million dollars

reading the Kama Sutra on Cameo.

People from here to Chiang Mai
are currently closing their eyes

and picturing her in order to finish.

Look, I know that she is your sister.

- Yeah.
- I know. I know.

But listen, Heidi Bergmann
out-Max-es even me.

Okay? Nobody gives that up for love.

No one gives that up for anything.

Okay, look, you asked me a year ago,

one year ago, I would've said

no chance Heidi ever gets hitched.

But it sounds like they're a great fit.

I mean, they met at the hotel conference

in Hong Kong last
spring and they engaged

- shortly thereafter...
- No. See? There.

A shotgun wedding, that doesn't
sound incredibly suspect to you?

Well, apparently, they're
planning on a long engagement,

- so...
- (GROANS) Obie, Obie, Obie.

Try... Quiet your
trusting mind, Obie, okay?

Let me do the dirty
work. Now, I must go.

I have some digging to do.

I will see you tonight at dinner.

Welcome to study hall.

I would encourage those of you
here under academic probation

to use this time not only to
catch up on your schoolwork,

but also contemplate the life choices

which have landed you here.

As we say, "Our priorities are... "

STUDENTS: Paramount to our future.

MR. SPENCER: Very, very good.

Miss Barnes. We discussed
this. One more late arrival...

Mr. Spencer, I get why you're vexed,

but this time was
completely unavoidable.

I was on my way to school,

there was this ancient lady
carrying a blind dachshund,

and as she's crossing the street,

the dog leaps out of her arms.

It's going crazy. It's running in loops.

I mean, it almost got
hit by, like, Ubers.

- So, naturally, I intervened.
- Oh, naturally.

I can show you the pictures
if you don't believe me.

I just... Well, I gotta find my phone.

That won't be necessary, Miss Barnes.

- Please find your seat.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(WHISPERS) Shan.

Oh, I'm... I'm okay, thanks.

It's CBD. Or THC. I take the
label off, and then I forget,

and then it's kinda like
the fun of not knowing,

but, oh, yeah, I know who you are.

The newest member of
the Calloway Cartel.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Man,
you and your sister.

Talk about generational trauma.

Makes me happy I'm an only child.

Wait, so what happened with the dog?

What dog?

How long are you in here for?

I'm in here all the time. (CHUCKLES)

I mean, my parents wanna send me
to boarding school in the fall.

You?

I actually don't know.
Um... I lost my scholarship,

so I can't afford to pay tuition.

And you like going to school here?

I mean, I like the teachers.
And I'm learning a lot, but...

doesn't feel like it's meant to be.

It just seems hopeless.

That is so f*cked up.

Miss Barnes, need I remind
you this is a study hall

and not a Tamron Hall interview?

Are you profiling me, Mr. Spencer?

- What? No.
- SHAN: Because right now,

this doesn't feel like a safe space.

(CLEARS THROAT) In fact,
I'm starting to feel

a little lightheaded.

Although that maybe
because I'm hypoglycemic

and not because of your
unchecked racial bias?

Oh, I could have a full-on
syncopic episode right here

under your watch,

unless I eat something immediately.

(GROANS)

You're a life-saver, Spencey.

- KATE KELLER: Mmm.
- JORDAN GLASSBERG: Hey.

What did you do to Scott this morning?

He's been put on leave

until the allegations
against him are vetted.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

But since he won't dare open GG
while he's being investigated,

we can talk without him.

Look, I know we don't
always see eye to eye

on the right way to do things,

but I think we can all
agree that this experiment

shouldn't have been h*jacked by some man

just because he thinks he can
do it better than a woman can.

Or Jordan.

Thanks for including me.

Are you seriously trying to pull
the girl power card right now?

We could do this together.
The way it was intended

before all this went
sideways. Equal partners.

You think that we're
some wilting flowers

who bent to Scott's
will, but you're wrong.

We let Scott write
because he was good at it.

He may be down because of you,

but me and Sharon, this is still ours.

Yes. All the things she said.

I'm leaving. And not just because

your Karen pixie snowflake
power grab isn't working,

but also because...

you get very cold very easily at my age.

Spotted, shipwreck on
the corner of Madison Ave.

Or something.

- (STAMMERS)
- I'll work on it.

That went well. Now what?

Stop being polite and
start getting real?

Cut off their heads.

This chaotic neutral, it's...

too Demi Lovato for me.

I miss lawful evil.

Well, how about a
little wartime alliance?

- Psst.
- What?

There's... there's an EpiPen
in the interior pocket.

Just jab it into my upper
thigh and press until it clicks.

All right, here we go. (GROANS)

- ZOYA LOTT: Shan?
- (MUMBLING) Nut... nuts... nuts.

- Shan, are you okay?
- Allergic... allergies. (CHOKING)

(GASPING, CHOKING)

sh*t! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. She's
going into anaphylactic shock.

Someone call the nurse.
See if she has an EpiPen.

EpiPen. Oh! She has one in her bag,

I'll get it. Oh my God,
oh my God, oh my God.

- (EPIPEN CLICKS)
- (GASPS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY) Thanks,
babe. You're a badass.

(EXHALES SHARPLY, PANTING)

Next time, before you
give food to a student,

you should confirm whether or
not they have allergies first.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) I think
I need to go to the nurse.

Is it all right if Zoya walks with me?

- I'm still kinda woozy.
- Yeah, of course.

Okay. (BREATHES HEAVILY)

Wait. Were you just faking it?

No, I'm allergic to walnuts.

So when I saw the Clif
Bar on old Spencey's desk,

I seized the moment.

So you intentionally gave
yourself anaphylactic shock?

Well, at this point, it
ain't even a ride anymore.

You coming?

We... we can't just skip school.

Can't? Or won't?

Hmm?

Being good all the time
is not only exhausting,

it's gotten you nowhere.

Worse than that, in
detention and off scholarship.

When's the last time
you did anything fun?

Take a f*cking day. Just one, for you.

It's all gone to sh*t anyways,

and you haven't even
been able to enjoy it.

Do you like cookies?

(GIGGLES)

I know where we can bake some.

(SIGHS) Okay.

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

Dad?

Grams!

Merry Christmas, kiddo.

What... what are you doing here?

Pops and I couldn't stand the idea

of you spending the holidays alone.

Wait. Pop-pop's here too?

No, no. He's back in Danville

getting the guest room
ready for you-know-who.

- Dad?
- You're coming back with me.

Oh, thank God. Wait, I really need this.

Just get out of the city for a week,

clear my head over the holidays, reset.

Oh, it's not just for the holidays, hon.

I'm taking you back
home. For good. (SIGHS)

Um, don't think I don't
appreciate the offer.

- I do. It's just...
- I do not know how you two

live this high up.

Oh, my God. It always
gives me the spins.

JULIEN CALLOWAY: You get used to it.

Especially when it's
all you've ever known.

Which brings me back to
my point about my leaving.

That is not the right thing for me.

You are a minor.

One living alone in this apartment

with no one to watch over you.

I can take care of myself.

Well, you shouldn't have to.

Not with everything going on right now.

You mean my dad being...

Please. Let's not get into that yet.

At least he's done one thing right.

He signed over the bulk of
his assets to you in trust,

assigning us as legal guardians.

I told him this city was
no place to raise a child.

But did he listen?

(SIGHS) Look how that turned out.

I'm fine.

- I'm not him.
- He's not him, either.

With all due respect, Grams...

Anyway, I own this place
now. And I am not keeping it.

So I don't get any say in the matter?

You're gonna take me
away from the only home

I've ever known, from
my friends, my school?

DONNA: Believe me, it's
the best thing for you.

(JULIEN GASPS)

SHAN BARNES: So, where
do you like to hang?

Uh, I don't know. The Met Steps?

No you don't.

- Dumbo Hall.
- You don't like that either.

- Dimes Square?
- Hi. Could you use some help?

What are you, Jeremy O. Harris?

Wonder what she's got.

No, he's my um...

- No, we follow each other.
- Oh. Are you in his phone?

- No.
- Then you're not his friend.

Where do you go, girl?

Come on, there's gotta
be at least one place.

- Ooh, sexy nails. (SCOFFS)
- Uh...

Everything you know and
do is your sister's sh*t.

You don't even have one piece of you

- in this huge f*ckin' city.
- ZOYA: I guess...

- Yeah, no, I don't.
- Okay. Well, it's time to find you one.

Mmm, but first we gotta get you some art

on these bougie-ass nails.

Mmm... I'm not really into nail art.

Your sister's not really into nail art.

You're into anything until
you decide you're not.

Okay? Come on.

Settle an argument for us.

Which is more ballsy,
breaking and entering

or impersonating a federal agent?

It isn't a competition, Wendy.

Everything is a competition.

And aiding and abetting
either one is a crime,

so do I wanna know?

No crime occurred on my end.

Tati very willingly took me up

in her NoHo loft
elevator the other night.

Is it my fault I have a
memory for things like codes?

I'm living in a Bushwick walk-up,

and Tati lives in a NoHo loft

- with an elevator code?
- You should see the place.

She grew up in Syracuse,
so it's not family money.

She certainly can't be making
that teaching private school.

She's gotta be pulling
money in on the side.

So while she was out at reiki,

- uh, we snuck into her...
- We got her client list.

Tati's an escort?

JORDAN: No. She's a private SAT proctor.

One whose students, based
on all their records,

seem to score in the
s. Every single time.

Is she a Rick Singer?
Is that what you found?

Me? No.

Federal Agent Rita
Jones, however, struck oil

while placing a phone
call to one Natasha Rowley

informing her that her
son Cody had been linked

to a cheating scandal.
Took all of five minutes

before she spilled names
of everyone involved

in exchange for qualified immunity.

- You're welcome.
- This isn't necessarily true.

Just like the thing about
Scott wasn't necessarily true.

We could just be making it all up.

He's got the hots for Tots. Ignore him.

Natasha's willing to
pay for our silence.

I'm guessing others would as well.

Which makes it feel real,
and lucrative for us.

Here's a thought.

How about we don't add
blackmail to the extensive list

of crimes we committed today?

However, I do think

we could use this for
more than just Tati.

- Mm-hmm.
- (KATE INHALES SHARPLY)

(BOTH GASP)

(GASPS) That was perfect.

Call us anytime?

You were faking.

So were you.

Well, most of the time
it felt like my own hand

but not someone else's.

Most of the time it felt like
someone else's hand, not my own.

I mean, I feel like
we need a redo, right?

Who's close? Who's close?

AUDREY HOPE: Oh, what about Jamison?

AKI: The barista?

(AUDREY BREATHING HEAVILY)

I, um,

I gotta get back to work
before my break is over.

Well, I'm glad you were avail.

Never been watched,
um, doing that before.

Well, I learned some
pointers. Thanks for that.

(CHUCKLES)

I thought it would be
fun watching you, but...

it wasn't, because
you weren't having fun.

I know. I mean, he's
so hot, and... sorry...

and he knew what he
was doing, but I just...

I didn't... I didn't
feel anything, so...

We've tried everything.
Maybe it's not about the sex.

Do we have any underlying
issues we're not clear on or...

- Do we need to talk to someone?
- Yes. Immediately.

I know exactly the
person we should speak to.

("COCOA BEACH" BY MUNYA PLAYING)

OBIE: No, she really was.
She was always the f...

You were. You were the favorite,

and I've come to terms
with it. It's fine.

- (LAUGHS) Okay. Yeah. Okay.
- But it's the truth.

I'm so grateful to get to meet
with you alone like this, Otto...

- Obie, please.
- Obie.

- Obie. Yes.
- Right.

I know that once we all get to Munich,

there will be so many people
and no time for any of us.

- OBIE: Yeah. No, this is great.
- MAX: Oh, let me have a taste.

Ah, an orange, of course.

Only the funkiest and
weirdest for my Heidi.

Max, I heard you might be stopping by.

It's such a shame you can't stay longer.

So, Santa Klaus, is it? Maximus Wolfe.

Nice to meet you, whoever you are.

Uh, Max is a friend.

Ah, your best friend? The skateboarder?

No. I'm more Heidi's
best friend here, right?

We used to f*ck. Very past tense.

Now, now, Heidi, come on. We
don't wanna make him jealous.

KLAUS WAGNER: I'm not jealous.

I'm glad she had a life before me.

- I had a life before her.
- (LAUGHS)

MAX: Klaus, tell me.

How did you know that Heidi was the one?

- I didn't. Not right away.
- (LAUGHS)

We were negotiating a buyout
and honestly, she terrified me.

But after weeks of
intense back and forth,

I started to realize that I was...

stalling, just so that I
could spend more time with her.

And once we realized that...

We ended the business
negotiations instantly.

Luckily for me, because
she was ruthless.

HEIDI: Still am.

- (KLAUS CHUCKLES)
- Just in more fun ways now.

- Yeah.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

So, uh, you've never been
one for one person, Heidi.

What changed, huh?

I did, I guess? I grew up.

- You're only .
- Twenty in Europe is in America.

I help run a business. And soon, two.

- Have you guys set a date?
- KLAUS: Well, we're not in a rush.

Why not enjoy being engaged?

Mmm. Agreed.

Better to have a long
trial period, right?

Wait out the warranty.

At least until you've checked

all the schranks for ein skeletts.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, thank god. That is
my CFO. Please excuse me.

We say, "leichen im keller."

Okay.

- (CELL PHONE BUZZES)
- (CLEARS THROAT)

Hey. It's past dinnertime

and I'm staring at an
empty place setting.

Oh. Dad. Right. Um... I'm so sorry.

- I'm with Julien.
- NICK: Remember,

it's a school night, I
don't want you out late.

Yes. Absolutely.

I will be home as soon
as we're finished eating.

Okay. I'm glad you did that, honey.

- Yeah, me too.
- Ooh, she's a quick one.

- What's this?
- SHAN: I don't know,

a bunch of dried peppers?
I'm not eating them.

- (CHUCKLES)
- ZOYA: Oh, my God.

Shan. Shan. It's hot.

- Let it burn.
- (ZOYA GASPS)

Don't you love New York pizza?

Hmm. I know what you're doing, hon.

You are not going to be able
to convince me about this city.

Your father couldn't, your mother
couldn't, God rest her soul,

and you certainly are
not going to be able to.

A Foxy Brown milkshake
from Mikey Likes It can.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) No, the
only thing that's gonna make me

feel better is getting you home.

I'm not moving to Danville.

I've already enrolled you in school.

This is wrong, Grandma.

My dad did something heinous,

and I'm the only one who's
getting punished for it?

Do you think it's easy for us?

Uprooting my entire life is not the same

as you getting side-eye at book club.

We let your father live here on his own

against our better judgement,

and look what the city did to him.

A person needs their family,

and it is clear that
you do not have it here.

I have family here, and I can prove it.

And if I do...

will you let me stay?

It's clear that you have very
strong feelings for each other.

AUDREY: Yes, we do.

- But...
- No "but."

You're looking to outsiders.

So, clearly, something is lacking.

And if you can just
tell us what that is,

we can... we can handle it, right?

Maybe it isn't that
something is missing,

it's the idea that something is missing.

You know, you're looking
to each other to fulfill

every possible need you have,

and that's too much
for one relationship.

You're just two people.

Yeah. Two people.

("ONLY YESTERDAY" BY CARPENTERS PLAYING)

Does any of this feel familiar to you?

- Don't you dare.
- Dare what?

We were just admiring

how you've managed to
stay in this neighborhood

while, uh, we schlep in
from Brooklyn every day.

Rent-stabilized since
I moved in, in ' .

(CHUCKLES)

Always thought it was
temporary till I got married.

Hmm.

(SLURPS) Nothing is temporary.

Sharon.

You're the same age
I was when I started.

That's a lovely memory.

Get out while you can.

What are you doing? (SCOFFS)

Every single thing on
me is falling off early.

And why?

Because those kids.

They take years off your life.

- They take life off your bones...
- Okay, sure, I'll...

SHARON: They suck
your soul and body dry.

- Get out now, I'm telling you.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

KATE: But you had to
believe when you started

that you were there to inspire.

You know, we agree that
feels impossible now,

but Gossip Girl was
affecting real change.

I know you know that.
And it can again...

SHARON: What's this?

JORDAN: A list of parents who paid Tati

to give their juniors
perfect SAT scores.

I just assumed she was a pro.

This actually makes me respect her.

But she cheated the system.

- A broken system can't be cheated.
- It can be repaired. Tati's out.

If you give me access again,
Gossip Girl can get back

to affecting real, necessary
change on this generation.

The next AOC...

or FDR could be sitting in
one of your classes right now.

It only takes one to make a difference.

What Tati did was wrong. I agree.

It needs to be posted.

- But not by you.
- Why?

It's so cute...

how you're still
eye-level when you stand.

And because there won't
be anything left to access

when I'm done.

I've seen all the
tips that have come in,

all the disgusting things
these monsters are capable of.

They send pictures of their
friends' sanitary napkins,

detail humiliating hook-ups
down to their viscosity.

Oh, and they spin lies just
to bring pain and embarrassment

onto people that they would
never even talk to in the halls,

and so f*ck 'em.

f*ck 'em all.

I... am going to post every
last tip that we ever got.

And I'm gonna name who they came from.

Every last one.

And then I am going to watch
them tear each other apart

like it was ancient Rome

and I'm the only one who
got out to the hills on time.

Or we can change them for the better.

I'm doing you a favor, Kate.

We're not so different,
you and I. (SCOFFS)

The sooner you let go of hope,

the less heartache you'll face.

Trust me.

Look, I know that you
don't want to hear this,

but I think that it's real.

Oh, no, yeah. It's real.

It's real transactional.

I eavesdropped on Heidi's call.

She is in the midst of a
deal to buy a majority stake

in Wagner Hotel Group.
Now tell me, Wan Obie,

what would your sister
possibly have to gain from that?

Nothing.

- But Klaus would.
- Hmm.

I mean, a massive influx
of Bergmann capital

could keep Wagner viable.

Perhaps throughout a
very long engagement?

(OBIE SIGHS)

One just long enough to save his family

without having to actually marry her?

Nick! It's so good to see you.

- Hi.
- (JULIEN GIGGLES)

- This is...
- Mrs. Calloway.

- Nicholas.
- You two know each other?

If you call trying to
prevent someone from attending

the funeral of their child's mother

"knowing them," then yes.

Bringing me here is supposed
to convince me of what exactly?

Just give it a chance, okay?

Are you going to invite us in?

(SIGHS) Come on.

- Did Zoya take the stairs?
- We took the elevator.

Did we just miss her? Where is she?

With you, according to her.

Oh. Uh, a little...

For a little while, earlier. Mm-hmm.

You don't know where your daughter is?

Like her mother, I see.

Uh... she's joking. Grandma, please.

Julien, what are you doing here?

Dad, I can explain.

No need to explain lying, Zoya.

Hey. Lying's not really
a Zoya trait, am I right?

Seems like her only trait lately.

This is the "incredible
father" and "brilliant sister"

that you expect me to
entrust your safety to?

I'm sorry. Sorry, who are you?

- This is my grandma.
- And they were just leaving.

Dad, I just... I
didn't want you to worry

while I was out with a new friend. Okay?

And if Julien hadn't
planned some family reunion

- without my knowledge...
- I was just...

NICK: What, I wouldn't have found out?

Why are we even bothering trying
to find a new place in this city

if it's turning you
into this... this person?

Dad, you don't understand.
I had a good day today.

I don't care. I love you, Z.

But right now, I do not like you.

You were leaving, right?

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

- (SIGHS) Jules...
- I'll pack in the morning.

(SIGHS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

SHAN: Hey, girl. Down
for some Ethiopian?

- I can't, I'm grounded.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

SHAN: Is this because of yesterday?

My bad, huh?

Uh, it's not your fault.
You didn't force me to lie.

I still owe you. Please
leave a percent tip.

(SHAN CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I'm sick of
disappointing him, but...

I can't seem to get out
of it. Like it's on loop.

And I'm afraid he's going
to move us back to Buffalo.

I can feel it coming.

Well, maybe you shouldn't let him.

It is not that easy.

Hey, wanna go get dessert?

Once again. Grounded.

You said he went to the fundraiser.

Which means he'll be occupied

for the next couple of hours at least.

You'll be back before you know it.

We can even take a car.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

(GROANS)

("COOL YULE" BY LOUIS ARMSTRONG PLAYING)

(GUESTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Quick, before she sees us talking.

She's planning to make
the drop at intermission

for maximum impact.

So many of our targets are here. Look.

I just don't know how to stop her.

I can't even believe
she knows how to do it.

She can't send an email
without tech support.

(JORDAN CLEARS THROAT)

OBIE: Heidi.

So where is my future brother-in-law?

Klaus had a last-minute
meeting with his legal team.

You know, Max heard you on the phone.

You mean overheard
parts of a conversation

and then made up the rest
to suit his own narrative?

Why would he lie?

Ever since I took Max's virginity,

he's made me his security blanket.

Whenever he gets rejected,
he'll send me sad DMs

asking if I miss him.

Your friend's in pain, Ottocado.

And he's trying to numb it
by yanking his blanky back

- from another boy.
- OBIE: It's not just Max.

It's not. I mean, I never thought
that you would get married either.

Trust that your older, wiser sister

knows what she's doing,

and promise me you'll stop this?

- (SCOFFS)
- (HEIDI CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, are you okay?

You've been so quiet
ever since our session.

(SIGHS)

I thought I would gain more clarity,

but I feel more confused than ever.

Why does it feel like
it's not enough anymore?

I feel like we have tried everything.

Opening our relationships.
Like, many, many threesomes.

Radical honesty. But still...

there's this nagging
feeling inside of me

like I left my phone somewhere
even though... (INHALES DEEPLY)

... I can see that it's in my hand.

Hi.

Three tickets for Hope.

No, I only, uh, purchased two.

Sorry. Says here you ordered three.

Thanks.

Hey, just take it easy.

Dr. Guralnik said not to
expect our relationship

to fulfill every need.

Wow. She came.

AKI: Why don't you go say hi to her

while I fill our extra seat with
cookies and hot toddies for you?

I love you.

Hey.

I see your grandma flew in, huh?

Yes. She's here.

- Look, I know I said...
- I'm sorry that... Oh.

I come bearing gifts.

I can't accept this.

Not until our Christmas
Eve gift exchange.

I mean, it's tradition, Julien.

Well, I'm leaving for
Indiana in the morning.

It'll be good to be around family.

- We're your family.
- Are you?

("I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS"
BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYING)

Just open your gift, okay?

(AUDREY GASPS, WHIMPERS)

I love it.

Well, um, there's something
in here for everyone,

so if I just leave it at the coat check,

- can you hand it out?
- Yeah. And then, um,

I'll tell everyone to
bring your gifts to Hudson

and you can open them on New Year's.

- Yeah.
- (WHISPERING) Thank you.

I know what I heard, okay?
What are you waiting for?

Did you know that Boat Shoe
is at an emergency meeting

- with his legal team right now?
- What do you expect me to do?

Find out the hell he's up to. Okay?

I mean this is your
business as well, right? No?

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Look, I'm with... I'm with
Heidi, uh, but her phone d*ed,

and she's looking for the updated
filings from the Wagner Group.

Can you send them to me?

Right. Danke.

Wow, I always forget you
can do that. It's so hot.

PIPPA SYKES: Oh, my
God. Can you believe her?

BIANCA BREER: I know, so tragic.

Every year, that same outfit.
As if no one would notice.

You would think she could
at least accessorize.

You don't think all those
dead stray hairs do that?

(WOMEN CHUCKLE)

PAYTON: Ladies.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

I'm sure they weren't talking...

Of course they were
talking about me. (SCOFFS)

And I thought I looked nice tonight.

c**ts.

Well, I'd rather look like
this than botoxidermy, anyway.

That's actually funny?

- Pippa deserves what's coming.
- What is coming?

Spotted. Pips taking care
of some Unplanned Parenthood

after getting knocked
up by Tyler Matheson,

who ditched her seconds
after he set foot at Penn.

Gossip Girl would never shame anyone

for exercising their right to choose.

Her own mother sent that tip in, Kate.

Her mother.

And when she finds that
out, and about all the things

that her bestie has sent in on her...

(CHUCKLES) ... it's gonna
get real Tiger King real fast.

Sharon, wait.

(SIGHS)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

This is dessert?

Speakeasys are no longer

just for business bro craft cocktails.

The mood is dessert.

(CHUCKLES)

(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)

You brought me to St. Ann's Warehouse?

My dad will commit
filicide if he sees me here.

You're in the walls, my darling girl.

He can't see you. (CHUCKLES)

You are grout. You are mortar.

(CHUCKLES)

Another pocket of you.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ Shepherds quake ♪

♪ At the sight ♪

♪ Glories stream ♪

♪ From heaven above ♪

♪ Holy hosts ♪

♪ Sing alleluia ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly... ♪

♪ Peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

Good night, everybody.

Thank you all for coming out!

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

You're the boss, applesauce.

(APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Holy sh*t. We gotta get out of here.

- It's intermission.
- No, my dad just invited me, and I missed it.

I gotta go home and change,

and then we gotta come
back here, I guess.

Okay, okay, okay. We
can go out the back.

- AUDREY: Hi.
- Audrey.

AUDREY: It's been so long. How are you?

Oh, it's so great to see you.

How was volunteering at the food bank?

- Food bank?
- Mm-hmm.

It was great. Yeah. Really
busy this time of year.

Good for you, helping
out during the holidays.

(CHUCKLES) Speaking of helping, I, um...

I'm really glad that you were
able to come and be with Julien.

I was not going to leave her alone.

- Isn't Davis there?
- He moved out last week.

Look, I know that Jules would
prefer to live on her own,

but... she will feel better once
she's back with us. She'll see.

("FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK"
BY THE POGUES PLAYING)

Oh, my God, she's
gonna do it right now,

and I can't do anything to stop her.

- Give me your phones.
- What? No.

Do it. No case, no case.

All right. Bye.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- TREE: Good luck with the Grinch.
- (CHUCKLES)

JORDAN: (LOUDLY) You stole my phone!

- Uh, what are you doing?
- JORDAN: Security! Security!

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

This woman is a thief.
She's stolen my phone.

I did no such thing...

- Wait! Hey!
- I bet if you look through her bag,

you'll find all sorts of
things. Phones, food, dr*gs...

- What on earth is going on here?
- This woman stole my phone.

Mine too. Look, she
also stole my Zoloft.

HEIDI: (LAUGHS) Oh boy, of course.

You wanna tell my sister the real reason

you want a long engagement, or shall I?

- Obie, what are you...
- What is this?

Well, this is proof

the only reason you proposed
was to get my sister to convince

my family to save your family's
hotels from going under,

and when you get what you
want, you're gonna leave.

Tell me this isn't real.

I can explain.

(SOFT CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

(GUESTS CHATTERING QUIETLY)

Zoya, you made it.

And brought a friend?

(ZOYA GROANS)

Oh, no.

So, when did you plan
on telling me this?

Before or after there
was miles between us?

I didn't want to upset
you. Not on my last night.

Your last night?

- Are you kidding me right now?
- Do you care?

It's not like I've heard
from you for the past week.

Of course I care.

Doesn't matter. I'm the problem.

- You're not a problem...
- JULIEN: And it'll stay that way

until I truly face
what's happening to me

instead of expecting the people
I love to shield me from that.

You don't have to abandon us to do that.

It's not my choice to make.

So, who are all of these?

They're theirs, but they're
just trying to get me to...

Stop making a mistake that'll
hurt everyone, including you.

Stealing is not a mistake. It's a crime.

We just want our phones back.
We're not gonna press charges.

SHARON: Press charges? Oh my God.

Okay. So we're all good here?

- Peachy.
- (SHARON SCOFFS)

(CHUCKLES)

Well, this is very childish.
Even for you children.

Give me my phone back.

Don't do it, I beg of you.

We're the ones who need
to be fixed, not them.

It's not their fault
for taking the bait.

It's mine for throwing it in the water.

They're just doing what
they're supposed to do.

f*ck up and make mistakes
so they can learn and grow.

But if you release everything
they did to each other,

they won't grow. They'll regress.

We swore to keep all
business off the table.

But we started as business associates.

A Bergmann and Wagner union
was already in the works.

And when we fell in love, we
took all business off the table.

And I tried,

but the deal was too good.

I had an obligation to my
company to see it through.

- I was planning on telling you.
- After we were married?

Why do you think that I
wanted a long engagement?

I wanted to know for
certain that you loved me

more than you love business.

I do. I do love you more.

How can I believe
anything that you say now?

It's over.

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES)

Are you actually telling me this?

You were already here?

- Dad, we...
- SHAN: She was.

- Shan!
- Tell him the truth, Zoya.

I'm sorry. Who's this person?

I'm your daughter's best friend.

No, she's not. And she's...

And as her best friend, if
she won't tell you, I will.

She's cracking under the
weight of your expectations.

Yes, it was her idea
to move to New York,

but every day since you got here,

the pressure on her to make
you proud has only grown.

She knows how unhappy
she constantly makes you,

how... how much you struggle
with her consistent failures.

She knows how much you wish
none of this ever happened.

- I've never said...
- SHAN: You don't have to.

She feels it.

Don't you?

Dad, you don't think I notice

you working all these extra hours

when I go to bed on the weekends?

You're k*lling yourself to keep me here,

and you don't even want to be here.

I haven't seen you smile, like,
really smile, since Buffalo.

It is all my fault.

I noticed something early on.

When someone sends a tip
in and we don't post it,

they begin to ask why.

That forces them to
reflect on what they did,

and that's how we change them.

That's how we win.

You can make us win again, Sharon.

You have the power now.

It's in your hands.

You know, I've been so
disappointed in all the lies,

I... never really stopped to think about

why you might be telling them.

I just... I don't want to be a burden.

You aren't.

You never could be.

I'm sorry I've been putting
you under so much pressure.

I'm not in this alone.

And neither are you.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

- PIPPA: Wait. What is this?
- BIANCA: I don't know.

PIPPA: Bianca, what
are you talking about?

- (ARGUING CONTINUES)
- It's official. We're back.

Not gonna lie, I was kinda
hoping Sharon wouldn't

roll over so easy.

I strangely liked going up against her.

The ghost of Christmas
future? I'm glad she's gone.

So, what will our first post back be?

A takedown of the teachers?
Cleaning of the slate?

- PIPPA: You bitch! He's mine!
- BIANCA: Take him!

As long as you don't care
that he tastes like me.

(GASPS, GRUNTS)

- FRIEND: Bianca, stop.
- (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- (SCREAMING)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Please do not do your
thing. I am not in the mood.

What thing?

Puppy dog, Noble-O, I'm-so-sorry
I-had-good-intentions thing.

Our parents may let
you get away with it,

but it won't work on me.

They let me get away with things
because they've given up on me.

Can you blame them?

I let you in on the one
thing that's made me happy,

and you f*ck it up.

I can't stay in this
city another second. I...

God.

He left me.

He... really left me.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

Heidi, uh, I'm sorry if you got hurt...

- Oh, f*ck.
- ... you know, but, uh...

if you ever need anyone
to lick the wounds,

wherever they may be...

When are you gonna grow up?

Oh, what's the fun in that, huh?

I mean, who doesn't want to
be Peter Pan and Wendy forever?

You know, find some
lost boys to get lost in?

Goodbye, Max.

Oh, Heidi, will you just cut the sh*t?

Huh? I mean, it's just you and me.

Max, I loved him!

Like real love.

But you, you can't... you can't get it.

People like you and people like me,

we don't fall in love.

People like you might not.

But I'm glad I am not you.

(SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES)

(WHISPERING) Come here.

I'm so sorry I avoided
you all day yesterday.

I think I just needed a
moment of my own for a change.

I think I needed the same.

So, care to share a bit of
what's been going on with you?

Why don't we talk about
it tomorrow over coffee

- at the Laughing Man?
- Can I join?

Donna, hi. Um, I'm Zoya.

We didn't get a chance to
properly meet yesterday.

And I'm sorry about that.

I know how important
first impressions are,

and not to mention how
important you are to my sister.

And how important she is to me.

Perhaps I can get a redo
while you're still in town?

Join Audrey, Julien, and
I for coffee tomorrow?

I...

- I'd like that.
- Great. Well, enjoy the rest of the show.

- I love you.
- No, I love you.

No, I love you.

No, I love you.

No. I love you.

(GASPS) I love you!

- You think she was right.
- I think she was right.

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

GOSSIP GIRL: They say
it isn't the holidays

until somebody cries.

But that doesn't mean
they can't be happy tears.

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Babe.

I don't think we need

the world's most
preeminent couples therapist

to tell us why we haven't
been in sync with anyone else.

Well, it never was about them.

Some thing isn't missing.

Is it?

(SIGHS) He's missing.

He's missing.

It's him.

I think this is the journey that
Dr. Guralnik was talking about.

I'm ready if you are.

GOSSIP GIRL: Because the
holidays aren't about conflict,

they're about resolution.

("PRESSURE MACHINE"
BY THE K*llers PLAYING)

It's a time to put the ghosts
of Christmas Pasts behind us.

♪ Hope'll set your eyes agleam ♪

♪ Like four feet
dangling in the stream ♪

♪ The kingdom of God ♪
♪ It's a pressure machine ♪

♪ Every step gotta keep it clean ♪

♪ A mattress on a hardwood floor... ♪

Cheers, son.

Here's to new beginnings,

and the freedom to do...

whatever the hell I want.

GOSSIP GIRL: A time to
grab our Christmas Futures

by their bony hands without fear,

only excitement about what's to come.

("PRESSURE MACHINE" CONTINUES)

I never wanted this for you.

I'd thought your father's
troubles were behind him.

I thought mine were when I had him.

But...

nothing is easy.

I tried to watch out for him,

but I guess I held on too
tight and he had to break free,

like I did with my mom.

♪ Keep the debt cloud off the kids... ♪

I just don't want that for you.

I love you, Grandma.

Goodbyes are difficult, but,
hey, it won't be for long.

- (INHALES DEEPLY)
- Okay?

♪ Sometimes I look at the stars ♪

♪ And think about how small we are... ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: But you can't do that

without facing the past.

Facing what you've done.

♪ Good till the last drop ♪

Welcome home.

Or as I like to call it, our
temporary shelter for now.

It looks smaller than
it was on Thanksgiving.

- Yeah, I blame your luggage.
- (CHUCKLES)

I'm so grateful to your dad
for reaching out to my grandma.

Yeah, and I'm grateful
that our time together

isn't being unexpectedly cut short.

Okay. Let's get you unpacked, though,

because we will be sharing a
very, very small closet space.

For however long we're
still here. (CHUCKLES)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Um...

Oh, it's my friend, Shan.

Oh, she scored last-minute
tickets to The Hard Nut at BAM.

Do you mind if I... ?

I'm fine. (CHUCKLES)

- Are you sure?
- JULIEN: Hey. We have...

the rest of the holiday to...

unpack a whole lot
more than my clothes.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Dad, I'm going out.

GOSSIP GIRL: And nobody knows
better what you've done than me.

Your confessional. Your therapist.

Your friend who tells you the truth.

Or do I?

I don't think I've been entirely honest.

How could I be, anonymously?

So maybe it's time to give you

the best gift I can offer.

Real change isn't
hiding behind something.

Real change comes from
owning up to what you've done.

We started small, but
it's all led to this.

It'll change everything.

That was the whole point. And
we didn't. Not really. This can.

GOSSIP GIRL: I told you I saw you,

but I meant I saw through you.

And it's not fair for me

to be the only one with that superpower.

So this Christmas, I'm giving it to you.

And while you may think
you don't deserve it,

I know it's just what you need.

So that's it?

Just gonna post every
tip anyone's ever sent in?

And who sent it.

They just need to click on the
link to open the google doc.

Here goes nothing.

Let's see what they do when they
have to face what they've done.

GOSSIP GIRL: I made my
list. I checked it twice.

You know you've been
naughty. Now pay the price.

Phase two begins now.

- (CELL PHONES CHIME)
- Oh, God.

- What?
- (CHIMES CONTINUE)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

GOSSIP GIRL: X-ho-ho-ho, Gossip Girl.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)