02x09 - Beard After Hours

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Ted Lasso". Aired: August 14, 2020 to present.*
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Small town American football coach Ted hired to manage a British soccer team—despite having no experience.
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02x09 - Beard After Hours

Post by bunniefuu »

[COACH BEARD] I don't wanna
ride back with you guys.

Rather go shake this off.

[TED] Yeah, sure. No, of course.

Hey. Hey, hey. Just... Be
careful out there, all right?

Yeah? Okay. And don't forget,

tomorrow it's your turn for, uh,

coffee at the game film, all right?

- Yeah.
- Bright and early.

Hey, Coach. Bird by bird.

Not that kind of bird.

[STADIUM CROWD CHANTS]

[FANS] ♪ Blue moon
you saw me standing alone ♪

♪ Without a dream in my heart ♪

♪ Without a love of my own ♪

[CROWD LAUGHS, CHATTERING]

[MALE ANNOUNCER OVER PA] Mind the gap.

[FEMALE ANNOUNCER] This is the
southbound metropolitan line train

to Aldgate.

[MALE ANNOUNCER] Doors closing.
Stand clear of the doors, please.

[ACOUSTIC VERSION OF THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[RAIN PATTERING]

[THEME MUSIC ENDS]

[SIGHS]

[CROWD CHATTERING, CHEERING]

It was moment after moment like this.

A real David versus Goliath match,

but where Goliath just curb-stomped
David in the back of the skull

like in that Ed Norton movie.

Moonrise Kingdom?

I think that's it, yeah.

[MAN ] Yeah. Well, for me,
the match was a real Cinderella story.

If her glass slipper broke
and sliced her Achilles tendon.

[MAN ] Thierry, was this just
an off day for the players?

Or do we lay the blame
on the coaching staff?

- [SIGHS]
- [THIERRY] % coaching staff.

Those are good footballers.

It just felt like Richmond had no plan.

- [MAN] And what about Coach Beard?
- What about him, indeed.

Coach Beard knew an aggressive
offensive strategy was a mistake.

He should not have let Ted, Nathan
and Roy convince him otherwise.

Great point, Thierry. Coach Beard
is Ted Lasso's number two.

He's supposed to challenge him,
not just be a sniveling lackey.

Look, Gary, the man has no va-va-voom.

Does anything say "sad, single man"

more than a chessboard coffee table?

[THIERRY CHUCKLES]

I know I'm French and
expected to say things like this,

but I hate Coach Beard.

Shut up, Thierry Henry.

After Richard Montlaur
earned himself a red card,

things went from bad to worse.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[RICHARD SHOUTING IN FRENCH]

[TV TURNS OFF]

Ted joining you?

No.

- Jane coming?
- We broke up.

Shocking.

She accused me of being jealous. Me.

Because I told her it's hard
to know where I stand,

which it is, because she
never says "I love you".

- Did you say it to her?
- I did.

- And she didn't say it back.
- She did not.

- Oof.
- Thank you for helping me relive that.

Well, you must feel awful.

Reason is powerless
in the expression of love.

Nuh-uh. I meant about the match.

What the hell was your thinking
behind those tactics?

- Mae.
- All right. Enjoy your beer.

But come on.

There's no way you thought coming out

on the att*ck was a good idea.

You basically left Zoreaux
back there to defend by himself.

[KEYS JINGLE, CLATTER]

In a semifinal...

A semifinal!

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Oi, Beard. Dropped your keys.

Oh. Thanks.

- Rough match, mate.
- We thought you needed a hug.

- I thought you needed a hug.
- Do you wanna talk about it?

We can talk and drink

as long as we talk about
anything but the game and drink.

- Have you ever been to Vegas?
- What's Ted like behind closed doors?

How do you cope knowing
the universe is infinite

but your consciousness
can end in a second?

I've been to Vegas many times.

One night is good, two nights
is perfect, three is too many.

Ted is a man. Just a man.

And as for the fragility of life,

I'm so glad someone finally asked.

Because, yeah, I got a few thoughts.

And so, in conclusion,

if this is all indeed a simulation,

which everything in my
experience suggests that it is,

then all we can do is tip our caps

to the rascal pulling the strings.

- [GASPS]
- [CHUCKLES]

[MAE] That's it, people.

Just like my legs after a date with
a guy who kept correcting me,

we're closed.

You went on a date with Richard?

I think you'll find, Mae,
it was two dates.

Out.

- Coffee was a date.
- Ugh.

[PHONE DINGS]

[SIGHS]

Where to next?

Bed. This is England, mate.
Pubs shut at : .

Well, I'm not ready for the
night to end. Any ideas?

What about Bones & Honey?

[SCOFFS] As if.

Private club, very swanky,
impossible to get in.

- Hmm.
- Yeah, I heard they once turned away Cher.

♪ Would you believe
they did such a thing? ♪

- [CHUCKLES]
- Well...

Why don't we just head over there
and see what happens?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I think there's a dress code.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- [GASPS]
- Ah. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[JEREMY] Mae, I love you!

Taxi!

- [HOSTESS] Welcome back, darling.
- Thank you.

Good evening. [GASPS]

Do we know each other?

I don't think we do, sir. May
I see your membership card?

University of Barcelona, class of ?

I went to Warwick, .

Oh, sorry, you looked older.

Are you a member here?

Here? No. God, no. Never.

Well, if you're not a member,
I'm afraid you can't come in.

This is Bones & Honey.

You are very rude.

What is your name?

My name is Sarah Coombes.
What is your name?

None of my business.

[PHONE RINGS]

[RINGING]

Bones & Honey, may I help you?

Do you mind?

[SIGHS] Speak.

[BAZ] Hello, uh, this
is the fire brigade.

Uh, it's very important
that we get in touch with, uh...

- [WHISPERS] Sarah Coombes.
- Sarah Coombes.

Oh, that's you.

Oh, well, I'm very sorry, madam,
but your flat is on fire.

Y-You need to come down
here immediately.

- Now what?
- Act cool.

- [WHISTLES] Orion's Belt!
- [MAKES KISSING NOISES]

- Amazing.
- Huh?

We're walking. We're walking.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

- [SIGHS]
- [ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYS]

You did it.

You did what Cher couldn't do.

Mmm.

I actually feel bad for Sarah Coombes.

Nah. Think how excited she'll be

when she realizes that her place
didn't actually burn down.

Tomorrow will be the most beautiful
day of Sarah Coombes's life.

Her apartment will look
more amazing to her

than any place any of us
have ever lived.

- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Here we go.

[CHATTERING]

Okay, gentlemen, plan of att*ck.

- What's wrong?
- Um.

I don't think we belong here.

Knock that sh*t off.

We belong.

If you could be anywhere,
where would you wanna be?

Here, right?

Then act like it.

Now who wants an overpriced beer?

Who wants an overpriced beer
that I'm paying for?

Find us a spot.

And, uh, feel free to strut.

["A GIRL LIKE YOU" PLAYS
THROUGH SPEAKERS]

What can I get you, sir?

- Uh, four beers, please.
- Would you like them in glass, sir?

No.

Relax, fella. It's just angles.

Maybe if you'd paid attention
in trig, you'd do better.

[LAUGHS]

Shall we, uh, have a
friendly wager on this sh*t?

Say, quid?

Hold on.

What's trig?

Uh...

[CHUCKLES] trigonometry.

Maths. Yeah?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Sorry, but where did you guys study?

[IN IRISH ACCENT] There you are,
lads. Ha. Thought I'd lost you.

Then where would I be?
Sad and alone. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, evening, gents.

I see you've met my protégés.

I'm Professor Declan Patrick
Aloysius MacManus.

At your service. I assure
you, the pleasure is mine.

But, I must tell you, these lads here

were the best of the
best at Oxford itself.

And now, we're just having
a wee liquid reunion, aren't we?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, Oxford?

Yeah, what were you professor of?

Economics and management,
till I retired.

At Oxford.

That is correct.

We were at Oxford.

Hmm.

Christ Church.

Which college were you?

Christ Church? [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Our main rivals.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm a Merton man, myself.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Merton.

Where'd you live?

Right across from the chapel.

Nothing like waking up every morning

to the sound of the
Dobson Organ at : ,

am I right?

- You Merton m*therf*cker.
- Ah.

[ALL LAUGHING]

How are you, sir? [CHUCKLES]
When did you leave?

Ah, . The year we b*at
Cambridge in the boat race

by six and a half lengths,
lest we forget.

I was on that crew.
I-I wa... I was the cox.

- Yes, you were, you bastard. Oh! [CACKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Harry Gill is here!
Harry Gill, in this pub!

- [CHUCKLES]
- [PAUL] Hey!

Marvelous. Marvelous.

Professor McGonagall taught us a lot.

But the main thing he taught us
was the value of money.

£ . You're on.

[CHUCKLES]

I got it. I got it.

[PAUL] I've got five.

Save one for a kebab.

Eccentric geniuses.

Right.

, , , .

How's that for trigonometry?

[CHUCKLES]

We got there.

[SIGHS]

[SCREAMING, LAUGHING]

Yes!

[LAUGHS]

- Fair play!
- [OXFORD GUY ] Good on you.

[OXFORD GUY ] Next round...
next round is on us.

Anything you like.

- [BAZ] Three big boots of ale?
- [CHUCKLES] This guy.

Oi. How'd you know
all that stuff about Oxford?

I dated a professor at Oxford.
And I listen more than I talk.

I'll be right back.

- Oi.
- [CHEERING]

[BAZ] What a legend you are!

- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[WOMAN SINGING IN FRENCH]

[EXHALES]

Hard to forget a game like that.

You know what will help?
Going to see the woman you love.

Exactly. But it's clear to me

that Coach Beard doesn't think
he's worthy of Jane.

[THIERRY] Oh, I know.

Beard's self-esteem is so low,

he will need a pep talk to k*ll himself,

and I would like to give that pep talk.

Shut up, Thierry Henry.

[FABRIC RIPS]

g*dd*mn f*cking sh*t!

Is there a problem here?

Yeah. This nail on your faux Persian
flea market coffee table

just tore my pants.

Sir, can I see your
membership card, please?

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS] My friends are in there.

g*dd*mn it.

[WOMAN] I'm sure you know
that your trousers are ripped.

They're designed that way.

To make it easier
for people to kiss my ass.

Be careful. We have
decency laws in England.

You'll get arrested.

I wasn't aware the laws
were so restrictive here.

Oh, yeah. We're a repressed nation.

One exposed arse can bring
down the monarchy itself.

How dare you speak of
Prince Andrew that way.

I could fix those for you.

I live over there.

In that pointy building?

No.

Take your trousers off.

You're not in charge of me.

I'll give you something
to wear in the meantime.

People come and go from my life. [SIGHS]

I've always kept a pair
of their trousers.

This rack is like my memoirs.

These should fit.

Whose were these?

An old lover.

Where's he now?

Dead.

Hmm?

You dropped your keys.

You ever look back on a relationship
and regret it had ended?

Been doing it all day.

I've loved every man in my life,

but I don't think I regret a single one
of those relationships ending.

In all my happiest memories, I'm single.

That troubles me.

Have you ever been in love?

Um...

I mean, there's someone
in my life now who, uh...

maybe it's chemicals
or maybe it's pheromones, but...

I wanna be with her all the time.

Is that love, or do I
just have a problem?

Why can't it be both?

[PHONE RINGING]

Could you get that?

It says, "Do not answer".

It's a joke.

Oi, babe, I'm here,
but I forgot my keys.

Who the f*ck are you?

I'm Beard.

He's just a trouserless man
I met at Bones & Honey.

[MAN] What the f*ck?

Oi, shithead!

I'm gonna punch
your f*cking teeth out your face

and feed 'em to your arsehole
like they're candy.

- [LINE BEEPS]
- Oh, sh*t.

- You could've warned me.
- [SCOFFS] Don't mind him.

He's just a little jealous.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

[MAN] Open the f*cking door.
You're a dead man.

Run.

Where the f*ck is he?

[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]

[GASPS]

Nowhere to go.

[YELLS]

[THUD ECHOES]

[GASPING, PANTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[PANTING]

[MAN] Oi!

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[GROANS, PANTING]

Still got it!

Whoo. Whoo. Whoo.

Whoo-oo-oo.

Whoo. Whoo-whoo.

Oi, he hasn't tapped in.

[BUS BRAKES SQUEAL]

[BUS DRIVER OVER PA] We're not
going anywhere until you tap in.

Of course, of course, of course.
My pleasure.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Excuse me, madam.

Piss off, you f*cking scrounger.

[EXHALES]

Good evening, sir.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Are you staying with us tonight?

No. No, I am not.

Ah, well. Have a good evening.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, could I please use the phone?

[CHUCKLES]

The hotel phones are just
for guests, I'm afraid, sir.

Okay then.

- Could I please use your phone?
- My personal phone?

Yes, I lost my phone and my wallet,

and I'm just trying to get back home.

And what would you be using
my personal phone for, sir?

Booking a cab.

Nope. I'm not falling for that.

Oh, I'm not trying to trick you.

Exactly what a trickster would say.

[SIGHS] I would just go through
my own account, you know.

That's how it starts, isn't it?
First you book a cab.

Next thing I know, you've geolinked
my phone to your network

and all of a sudden,
you and fake Melania

have downloaded all my bank details

and you're using my identity to shift

more poppy seeds
to your own private island.

[CHUCKLES] No. Not tonight.

I've been in this game too long now.

- What game?
- You won't touch my phone.

Within seconds, you'll have
my mother's maiden name,

- all my cryptocurrencies.
- [GROANS]

Not that I have any.

Next thing I know, my hard drive
is being confiscated by MI

for illegal images that you've
tricked me into downloading.

Oh, no. You'll not make a fool of me.

Not you. Not a dead ringer
for Dame Judi Dench.

Not anyone. Shame on
you, sir! Good night.

[MEN LAUGHING IN THE DISTANCE]

[CLOCK TICKS]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

[EMPTY CAN CLATTERING]

Hello.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, I'm sorry to bother you guys.

Just trying to get home
and I lost my phone.

You guys are about to save my life.

[LAUGHING]

Ah, sh*t.


Well, look who it isn't. [CHUCKLES]

Good to see you again, Mr. Tartt.

Sorry about before.

Why don't I let you get back
to what you were doing...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's okay. There's no rush.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] I tell you what, lads.

Why don't we teach Coach here,
in his magic trousers...

[ALL LAUGH]

... exactly what football's all about.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Because it doesn't happen on the pitch.

No.

It happens on the street.

You get me?

Or...

- [PANTS]
- [JAMES] Get him!

Come on!

[GARY] Oh. Well, it looks like
Beard's done for, doesn't it?

Gary, part of me thinks Beard
really wanted to get b*at up tonight.

[GARY] Absolutely, Thierry.

Clearly he'd rather punish himself

than accept the love and support
of the people around him.

I'm beginning to think
Coach Beard hates himself.

Shut up, Thierry Henry.

[GRUNTS]

[MEN LAUGHING]

Yeah!

[GRUNTS, CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS] Huh, mate?

[CLATTERS]

- Punch him again.
- Prick!

[YELLS]

You're nothing!

[YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

[COACH BEARD GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS] Gotcha!

[GRUNTS]

Stay down!

[PANTING]

Oh, sh*t.

- [PANTING]
- [GRUNTS]

Oh, sh*t.

- I told you to stay...
- Fellas! [PANTING]

How about we call this a draw?

- [GRUNTS]
- Whoa!

[GROANING]

You had to push it, didn't ya?

Say good night, son.

[GRUNTS]

[PIPE CLATTERS]

[GRUNTS]

[PANTS]

[COACH BEARD] Ah, man. Come on.

Nothing happened. She was
just gonna fix my pants.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

[GRUNTS]

You left these at our flat.

Been trying to find ya.

Oh.

Well, that's nice.

No, I'm sorry I lost my temper.

Mary explained what happened.

- The truth is we're having a baby.
- Oh.

And it's made me realize
how precious she is to me,

and the thought that she was
cheating on me was just too much.

Uh-huh.

But I also realize that

maybe I'm more paranoid than
most when it comes to that.

- 'Cause I used to cheat in the past.
- Mmm.

But I've really worked on it.

- I'm in a really good place now.
- [COACH BEARD] Oh, that's great.

[MAN] Yeah, cheers.

Anyway, I just wanted to
give you your stuff back.

Mary says she's keeping
your trousers though.

It's kind of her thing.

She said you can keep those.

- Thank you.
- Well, they look good on you.

I know.

Sorry about the sh*t game today.

And I'm not even a Richmond fan,

but, mamma mia, that was tough to watch.

[SIGHS]

[GASPS] Oh.

I think you dropped those.

All right.

You be lucky, yeah?

[COACH BEARD] I'm trying.

Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Oh. [GASPS]

I love you too. I love you too!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! No! No!

[YELLS]

[CRYING]

[YELLING]

[YELLING, CRYING CONTINUES]

[CAR ENGINE ROARS]

- [TIRES SQUEAL]
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[WINDOW OPENS]

Oi, samurai!

♪ We got a limo we got a limo ♪

- Get in! Come on!
- Look, we got a limo!

They were really nice guys in the end.

And so bad at pool.

We told them who we really were,

and they still invited us
to their country estate for Easter.

I don't know what I'm gonna wear.

We made so much money off them,

we treated ourself to a limo! [CHUCKLES]

- Where to, sir?
- Anywhere you want.

This night will never end.

Home, please.

[ALL] Aw.

Thanks for a wicked night.

You're gonna go to this address

and you're gonna tell Renee
that Beard said it was okay.

Thanks, guys.

♪ Just one Cornetto ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

[PAUL] ♪ Delicious ice cream ♪

[ALL] ♪ Of Italy ♪

[EXHALES]

- [LOCK CLICKS]
- [METAL SNAPS]

[GRUNTS]

[SOFTLY] No.

[THUNDERCLAP]

No.

No! [YELLING]

[PANTING]

[SIGHS]

Are you there, God?

It's me, Margaret's little boy.

Longtime listener, first-time caller.

And I know you're probably busy,

'cause you got bigger fish
to multiply and then fry.

As you do. But, uh, there's this girl.

There's this woman, Jane.

Last name Payne. P-A-Y-N-E.

But you probably know that,
but if you wanted to look her up.

[EXHALES]

And I care for her, deeply.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

I could've been with her tonight,
but I ended up with you.

And I am under no illusions
that she could solve what ails me.

But when I'm with her,
the world just feels...

more interesting.

[RAIN STOPS]

- [DISTANT BASS b*at]
- Huh.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[DISTANT CLUB MUSIC PLAYING]

What is this place?

[DOG BARKING]

Here. - - .

- Well, knock then.
- Why don't you knock?

- Just knock.
- [GROANS]

- [LOCKS CLICK]
- [DOOR SQUEAKS]

What?

Are you Renee?

Who's asking?

Uh, Coach Beard sent us.

Turn 'em on.

- [PHONE SETTLES IN CRADLE]
- Walk this way.

[JEREMY] Go on.

Come on.

Come on.

- [TRANSFORMER STARTS UP]
- [SPOTLIGHTS RUSH ON]

[BAZ] Oh, my God.

[PAUL] It's beautiful.

Is that heaven?

No. That's Nelson Road.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

[YELLS]

[YELLING, LAUGHING]

Wave to the crowd! Wave to the crowd!

[YELLS]

[BAZ] Yeah!

[GRUNTS]

- [YELLS]
- [CHUCKLES]

- [PAUL] f*ck yes!
- [YELLS]

[DISTANT CLUB MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHATTERING, CHEERING]

[CHEERING, CHATTERING]

Try this on.

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING]

- They do food here?
- For me, yeah.

[SONG ENDS]

- Where the f*ck is he?
- If Beard's not coming, I'll get coffees.

Wait. Now, hold on a second.
He'll be here.

Beard's like the mailman, you know?

He always delivers
and he looks great in shorts.

[GRUNTS]

Morning, fellas.

- What'd I tell you?
- Here you go. [SIGHS]

Flat white. Coffee, black.
Peppermint latte.

Cheers.

[TED] Thank you, Coach.

You, um...

Everything all right, you know?

Yeah. Just, uh, slept too late.
Must've fell off the bed.

Oh, right. Yeah, no.
That... That's a thing.

Okay, who's ready to watch
yesterday's match?

- No. No.
- Uh, I've actually watched it plenty.

Don't think we should. We don't need to.

Hey, now, look. I know, I know, I know.

- But this is how we get better, all right?
- Fine.

'Cause sometimes,
every once in a blue moon,

there is a game so awful, so...

Dog sh*t?

Haunting?

A catastrophe of epic proportions.

That the only way to watch it back
is at ten times the speed

and with the Benny Hill theme music
playing under it. Here we go.

["YAKETY SAX" PLAYING]

- [ALL CHUCKLING]
- f*cking hell.

[CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLES]
- [ROY] f*cking hell.

- [LAUGHING]
- [TED] Okay.
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