01x05 - Swords and Magic

[bunniefuu]

Guys, huge problem...
Kelsey vargas,

The coolest girl in school,
is on her way down here.

Don't panic.
We've trained for this.

- Guys, bust out the emergency deodorant.
- Yeah.

- I don't need deodorant.
- We all need deodorant. We're teenage boys.

Our bodies are a smorgasbord of smells.

I don't take any chances.

I'm wearing a necklace
of air fresheners right now.

This week I'm alpine meadow.

I told Kelsey I was a martial arts expert.

And the youngest Sensei in history.

- Jerry.
- Oh, Rudy, Kelsey's on her way.

Dude, please hook me up
with that black belt.

You can't have this belt.

It's a symbol of hard work,
honor and respect.

Well, then why do you
use it to walk your dog?

That was one time and it was an emergency.

I had a pug with the squirts
and new white carpet.

Look, can we stop talking
and get to sparring, please?

Jerry, you're up against Kim.

- Milton, you're with me.
- Eddie, you're with Jack.

Jack?

Uh, hold on.
My phone's vibrating.

You know, I hate to be
that guy, but... hello?

You mean the guy that pretends.

- His wallet is a phone?
- Please, shh!

Can you hear me now?

Come on, guys, let's go.

- Hi, Jerry.
- Kelsey, what a surprise.

So these are your students
that fear and respect you?

Yes, we are.

I'm about to fear and respect.

The living grits out of him right now.

Oh no, not my grits.
I'm gonna need my grits.

Yeah, I'd say you've got
that move down pretty well.

Oh, you guys take a five.

Kelsey and I are gonna get a froyo.

Oh, come on, Kelsey.

♪ Don't you
get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you
come kick it with me? ♪

♪ and we can have a ball,
run up the wall ♪

♪ this is how we do ♪

♪ and no matter how much
I chop and punch ♪

♪ it's not as cool
as kickin' it with you ♪

♪ here we go,
let's start the party ♪

♪ chop it up
like it's karate ♪

♪ everybody ♪

♪ don't you
get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you
come kick it with me? ♪

♪ and we can have a ball,
run up the wall ♪

♪ this is how we do ♪

♪ and no matter how much
I chop and punch ♪

♪ it's not as cool
as kickin' it with you. ♪

Hey, thanks a lot, Kim.

You cost me a date with the
coolest girl in school.

What are you gonna do, Sensei,
throw me out of the dojo?

Kim, in the future,
let's respect Jerry enough.

Not to embarrass him
he's lying to. Rls.

Thank you, Jack.
It's called decency, Kim.

All hail miltonius,

The newly-crowned king
of narnia!

See, Milton, this is the reason.

You had to go to spring formal
with the biolab skeleton.

I'll have you know that bonita
is an excellent dancer.

Hey, I know what's going on.

It's that time of year
when all the dorks come out.

To play swords and magic in the park.

Or if it rains, we use the bingo
hall at the senior center.

We tear it up.

- Hi, Jerry.
- Hey, Kelsey.

I was just talking to this kid
I've never seen before.

I don't even know his name.
Right, Milton?

Really, Jerry?

Guys, big news:

This year you all are gonna
participate in the battle with me.

What happened to all your other friends?

You know, the ones that throw
up when I try to talk to them?

Well, this year things
are a little complicated.

Francis has a bassoon recital,

Jeffrey is a finalist in the mathlympics.

And Louis got grounded for
teaching his cockatiel bad words.

Dude, we're not gonna be
a part of your nerd fest.

Very funny, Jerry.

Nerd fest is in Minneapolis in October.

See, Milton, a bunch of dudes in tights,

Running around the woods
b*ating each other senseless.

With foam swords...
it's just not our thing.

Well, it's my thing.

And I wanna share this
moment with my best friends.

- That's you guys.
- I don't know.

I just quit the cello.

And threw out my panda bear backpack.

I'm just starting to get cool.

Come on, just give it a chance.

Soon you'll know the exhilaration
of bounding down a hill,

Cape aflutter, to slay a
half-elf with a foam rubber axe.

Are you with me?
All for one and one for...

Gah!

I probably lost 'em
at "cape aflutter."

I can't believe my own
friends bailed on me.

I don't know...
running around the woods,

b*ating other dudes senseless
with foam swords...

That just sounds like a good time to me.

I even rented them costumes and everything.

You know what?
I love stuff like this.

Are you saying you'll go
into battle with me?

It would be an honor, my lord.

Wow, you may be the only
real friend I have.

With this bo staff I dub thee

Rudy, my faithful squire.

I can't believe it.
I'm a squire!

I'm a squire!
I'm a squire!

♪ hey ♪

♪ come on ♪

♪ kickin' it with you! ♪

You know, I don't think
this squirey thing is for me.

This Turkey leg isn't gonna salt itself.

Dang it, I left my grape
juice in the porta-peeper.

What are you waiting for?
Go get it.

Aah! Uh!

It's so hard to find
good squires these days.

Oh, guys, check it out.

I smoothed everything out with Kelsey.

I promised I would never lie to her again,

And I got a date with her this afternoon.

- Yeah!
- The kid is back in the game. Whoo!

Nerd alert.

Greetings.
We are the dark knights,

Warriors known for being
brave and ferocious and...

Ferocious?

Sidney, you cried in science
when your fruit fly d*ed.

That fruit fly left behind , babies.

Milton said he put together
a band of loyal warriors.

That will finally capture
our grail and defeat us.

Huh, like that's going to happen.

Ha ha ha haaaa haaa haa.

Dude dude dude.

That evil laugh is so not working.

Thanks, Benny.

You told me it was intimidating.

Whoa.

Guys, Milton called us his loyal warriors.

Now he's gonna be out there all alone.

Against a flock of dweebs
hopped up on honeybuns.

Uh, Jack, are you saying we should
go to the park and help him?

Because, uh, I... I can't.

My aunt Charlotte...

Yeah, she's coming in from Charlotte.

And we're gonna gowatch
"charlotte's Web."

Wow, I am not good at lying.

Look, Milton's always been there for us.

Jerry, what about the time where
you tried to get Kelsey jealous.

By making her think you
were dating a cheerleader?

Who helped you out?

Wow, you're right.
He was there for me.

Did you know that Brian donnelly
actually asked him out?

- Ugh.
- Eddie, what about you?

You hate going to visit your Nana.

That's because she always wants
to do things to my hair.

But who always goes with you?

I love it.
I'm gonna rock this new look.

Sometimes I think Nana
loves him more than me.

And I'm okay with that.

And, Kim, what about that time.

At the st. Patrick's day concert
when you lost your voice?

Who got you through that?

♪ no more st. Patrick's day
she'll keep ♪

♪ her color can't be seen ♪

♪ for there's a cruel law ♪

♪ against the wearin'
of the green. ♪.

Guys, I think you know what we have to do.

Seriously?

Is this really what we have to do?

Yes, it is.

Come on, let's go to the park.

I don't get it.

Why do I have to be the princess?

I am not swapping.

Hey, lady, eyes up here, okay?

Oh, these sexy legs are a curse.

I can't take this anymore.

It's hot, my feet are k*lling me.

And these elf ears
are starting to get sweaty.

You don't get to complain.

We could have stayed on the
path to the b*ttlefield,

But no, you knew a shortcut
through the woods.

This is not a shortcut, Eddie!

Relax.

I'm an explorer scout.

I was trained to navigate by the stars.

- Oh, I can help you see the stars.
- Hey hey.

Come on, guys, we have to focus.

Gnomes battle starts
in a half-hour.

Hey, it's a groundhog.

Hey.

Well, you're a cute
little fella, aren't you?

How are you doing?
How are you doing?

That's not a groundhog, Jerry.
That's a porcupine.

- I wouldn't get too close to it either.
- Uh, thank you, Jack,

But I think I know the difference.

Between a groundhog and a porcupine, okay?

Hey, are you looking for your
mommy or something, cutie?

No no?

This dumb groundhog thinks
he's a porcupine.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go over there.

So, where is this big loyal army
you've been bragging about?

Yeah, man.
Where are they?

I got this, your highness.

Yeah, we may be outnumbered,

But my king has the heart of a lion.

And I have the speed of a... a...

You know, those animals
with the pointy ears.

- And they're really fast?
- A gazelle.

Yeah.
No no.

They're skinny and they don't
really run so much as...

As just bound.
And they kind of go grr!

- Oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue.
- Squire.

Let's just go over the rules.

One: The first team to capture
the other's grail.

And place it on the pedestal of glory.

Next to their own is the winner.

Rule two: If you get struck
on the chest, you're out.

Cheetah!

Sorry, it's the animal
I was thinking of earlier.

It just popped into my head.
I... sorry, just keep going.

Rule three: No cursing
or foul language,

Unless it's a medieval word
like "zounds."

Milton, you are better than that.

Eh.

- You've got a little something here.
- Where?

- Where were you?
- Let's just say

I did something I've
never had to do before.

And hope I never have to do again.

I felt that way when I had to
take my cats' temperature.

They fight it.
Oh, they fight it.

You know what?
I just realized...

I have a g.P.S.
On my phone.

- I'll get us out of these woods.
- No no no.

I said I'll get us out and I will.

Explorer scouts
do not rely on g.P.S.

- Hey, give me that.
- Just...

Now are you happy?
My phone just flew into that log.

Relax, I'll get it.

Hey, I got it.

I think you got a call.
It's starting to buzz.

My phone's not buzzing.
That's a beehive!

Aah!

That's not mine either!

Aah aah aah!

- I think I lost them.
- What happened to you?

- I had a little mud situation.
- Ugh.

Wow, I really hit my head.

- Is there a bump?
- J-just a teeny one.

Dude, your forehead is jacked up.

Rudy, this looks bad.

They'll be coming for our grail
soon and I think you should know

I probably won't be going home with you.

No, don't you talk like that.

You're so young.

You've got your whole life ahead of you.

No, I won't be going home with you.

Because my mom is picking me up here.

To take me to the orthodontist.

Look, whatever happens down there,

It's been an honor to serve under you.

Rudy, I've been thinking.

You're the only one who stood by me.

I hereby dub thee.

Sir Rudy, my faithful knight.

I can't believe this.
It's all happening so fast.

Pretty good for a kid from the
wrong side of the tracks.

With nothing but a pocketful of dreams.

Not gonna cry.
Not gonna cry.

Get it together, man.

- We're going into battle.
- Yes.

Charge!

I think we finally lost the bees.

Where's Kim and Eddie?

Kim got her hair tangled up
in a thorn bush.

Eddie's trying to get her out.

It took a while,

But I finally got Kim's
head out of that bush.

Luckily I have my official
explorer scout pocket Kn*fe.

Guys, the b*ttlefield's right over there.

Come on.

Eddie, even if you make it
out of this battle alive,

Kim's gonna k*ll you.

Wait, that was Kim?

I don't think I have much left.

My tights are riding up,

I got sunblock in my eye,

And if I don't get a potty break soon,

Something really bad's gonna happen.

Something better not happen.

Those pantaloons are rented.

Battle on!

We must protect the grail at all costs.

It's over, miltonius.

Prepare to taste my foam.

Ow!

Who threw that?

His army is made of ogres!

Those aren't ogres, those are my friends.

Retreat retreat!

- You guys made it.
- This may not be our thing,

But if it means something to you,

Then we're with you, king miltonius.

Thank you.

Who's the dude with
the punked-out mullet?

All right, guys, hands in.

We've got us a grail to capture.

Wasabi!

Charge!

Ha!

Charge!

Aah!

Aah!

Oh.

Yeah! Don't mess
with the Jack.

Y...

Aah!

Yes!

Aah!

Yeah.

- Victory!
- Yeah!

Oh! Come on.

Yeah!

Way to go, Milton.
You did it.

No, Jack, we did it.

Here you go, Milton.
You've earned your gr...

My hair.

What happened to my hair?

Eddie?

You are so dead!

Aah!

♪ kickin' it with you! ♪

Thanks again, guys.

I know you were embarrassed
by those costumes.

But don't worry, you'll never
have to wear them again.

And no one at school
will ever have to know.

You're right, Milton, they don't,

But they will.