06x12 - You Have to Be Joking (Autopsy of the Devil's Brain)

[bunniefuu]

A little old man and i fell out. I'll tell you what it was all about. He had money, and I had none, And that's the way the noise begun.

RIVERT COURT

Jamie : 74.

Nathan : Sure?

Jamie : Yep. 74 inches, daddy.

Nathan : 6'2".

Jamie : I can measure again.

Nathan : No. It's okay. I've been 6'2" since I was 17.

Jamie : Is that bad?

Nathan : Well, if I was 6'5", I might be in the pros by now.

Jamie : What if you were 8'5"?

Nathan : I'd probably be dead of heart failure.

Jamie : Well, I think 6'2" is perfect. Heck, I'd settle for 4'2".

Nathan : Well, you can thank your short-Pants mom for that. Hey!

Haley : He got some good stuff from me, Like the piano he's gonna rock at the talent show tonight, huh? Huh? Yeah.

Jamie : Are you gonna be there, daddy?

Nathan : I wouldn't miss it.

Jamie : I wish I could come with you today.

Nathan : I know. I tell you what ... I'll tell you all about it, okay?

Haley : And this idea you have? It's what you want to do?

Nathan : It's what I have to do.

BROOKE'S HOUSE

Brooke : Sam! Breakfast!

Jack : Hi.

Brooke : He spent the night in your bed? In my house?!

Sam : Well, I thought it was out time a guy stayed here.

Brooke : Watch yourself.

Sam : Look, he's my friend, and he lives with is brother. And he just ... he beats on him sometimes, and he needed a place to crash.

Brooke : Okay. Does this half-Nude, window-Fleeing friend have a name?

Brooke : Jack Daniels... John "jack" Daniels.

Brooke : You expect me to believe that a boy Named after the white-Trash-Rock-Band drink of choice Spent the night in your bed and nothing happened?

Sam : Dude, I'm like 15.

Brooke : Like that matters! When i was 15 ... Never mind. Tell me when someone is staying in my house, And if your friend needs a place to "crash" again, He can sleep on the couch! Now just... Go do something.

AT THE BAR

Julian : Hi, Luke.

Lucas : I'll stay on the movie... because it matters to me. But you and i are not friends,

Julian : And you'd Peyton aren't anything.

Flash

Medecin : How is our girl Peyton? And how long have you been experiencing this pain?

Peyton : A few days.

Medecin : Any history of diabetes in the family? Ulcers?

Peyton : Um...no.

Medecin : Cancer?

Peyton : My birth mother d*ed of cancer. Why? What ... what's the face that you're making?

Medecin : We just want to run some tests.

Julian : Consider it a test. You fly to los Angeles, and while you're gone, If Peyton doesn't fall in love with me again, Then you'll know you two were meant to be.

Lucas : You're a d*ck. You know that?

Julian : Listen, the truth is, this guy's an a-List director. He's got several offers, and you need to meet with him.

Lucas : Today? Why?

Julian : Because i told you we'd be equal partners on this movie, And i need you to sign off on him.

Lucas : What are you gonna do?

Julian : I'm producing a movie, Luke. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not staying in town to hit on your fiancée. It's your book.

John : What?

Sam : You just froze there, halfway out the window. You looked like such a dork.

John : Well, you're the one who didn't set the alarm right.

Sam : Whatever. She thought we were doing it. As if.

John : What do you mean, "as if"? A lot of girls would do it with me.

Sam : Yeah. But those girls are called prostitutes.

John : Why?

Sam Hi. Producer guy, right?

Julian : Orphan girl, right? From the concert?

Sam : Sam.

Julian : Julian.

Sam : I know. You can help me.

Julian : Good. You can help me, too.

SCOTT'S HOUSE

Jamie : So, what happens at this... what do you call it?

Nathan : It's called a combine. Coaches and scouts from the pro teams come watch you play.

Jamie : And they pick you for the NBA?

Nathan : You find them yet?

Jamie : No. Hey, Ii think you should wear the number 12 next.

Nathan : Why?

Jamie : I don't know. I like the number 12. That's what I'm gonna wear when I'm in the pros.

Nathan : All right.

Jamie : Okay, I found them.

Nathan : Oh, good.

Jamie : These are really ugly, dad.

Nathan : Well, they made a few models, So just pick one you like, you knucklehead.

Jamie : Okay.

Nathan : So, your mom's pretty excited About you playing the piano at your talent show tonight.

Jamie : I know.

Nathan : You don't sound very pumped up.

Jamie : I just kind of wanted to tell jokes.

Nathan : Dude, I've heard your jokes. Trust me, stick with the piano.

Jamie : But the song is a kiddy song, and I'm not very good at it.

Nathan : Well, all you can do is the best you can, all right? That's all that matters. Speaking of which. Are you telling me you can't find those shoes by now?

Jamie : Oh, I found the shoes a long time ago. I just like it up here.

Jamie : We found the shoes.

Haley : Yay! All set?

Nathan : Yeah. All right. See you at the talent show.

Haley : Go be great. Love you.

Nathan : Love you.

Jamie : Daddy. All you can do is your best, okay?

AT THE BAR

Julian : You want some coffee with that sugar?

Sam : How do you take yours?

Julian : I don't. Never touch the stuff. So, you said I could help you out. How so?

Sam : I was thinking, um, Maybe you could read some of the stuff I wrote.

Julian : You're a screenwriter?

Sam : I just write things. I get a little pissed off sometimes, you know?

Julian : Okay. Tell me about Brooke Davis.

Sam : Dude, I am so not hooking you two up.

Julian : No, no, her clothing line. Is she any good?

Sam : Yeah. Think you'd be lucky to have her. For the movie, right? That's why you're asking?

Julian : Give me your phone. This is my number. I'm happy to read anything you want to send me.

Sam : You'd do that? I mean, I just kind of heard you're a d*ck.

Julian : I am. But maybe I'll read something i can steal. I got this. Hey, is she single ... Brooke?

Sam : No... Yeah. You know, I'm betting you're actually nice.

Julian : And I'm betting you're not bitter. Keep writing, Sam. She's out of your league, my brother.

BROOKE'S HOUSE

Millicent : I told Gigi to stay away from Marvin, And the next thing I know, she's hugging him in the parking lot.

Brooke : What were you doing in the parking lot?

Millicent : Spying. Well, what am I supposed to do? She's a horny college party girl.

Brooke : Millie, he's amused by her.

Millicent : So, I don't want a guy who's amused by someone like that.

Brooke : Okay. I know those girls... because I've been those girls. And all guys are amused by it. It doesn't mean anything. Mouth is not gonna fall for that. He's not. Trust me, she's harmless.

AT MARVIN'S WORK

Gigi : You ever think about having sex on the news desk?

Marvin : No ... Maybe. What are you doing?

Gigi : Well, the news team is on location, so Chris said I could have my going-Away party in here tonight. 6:30 okay?

Marvin : Actually, I have to go to Jamie's talent show.

Gigi : I'm totally not having my going-Away party without you. Please.

Marvin : One drink. I wouldn't miss it.

AT THE STUDIO

Peyton : You're gonna have to miss it.

Mia : Peyton, come on!

Peyton : You have to get back into the studio. Mia, I'm being very serious, okay? I'm so proud of you, and the first record did great. But our label friend, john, who I do not have a thing for, Is getting very impatient for the next one, So just tell me that you have been working on the demos. I asked you to do.

Mia : Peyton, I've had a lot going on.

Peyton : Okay, fine. How many songs do you have?

Mia : I have a couple ideas.

Peyton : All right. The label would like for you to listen to this.

Mia : What for?

Peyton : Because there are some very talented, Very expensive songwriters on there, And they want you to pick a track to record.

Mia : But I write my own songs.

Peyton : Apparently not. Apparently, you just write a couple ideas ... Hello? Hi. Oh, luke. Hi, honey. I'm sorry. No, no, no, I was just expecting another call. Yeah. No, I had to leave really early this morning. Um, I had a ... like a meeting with a band. Can you hold on one second? Okay. Please, just listen to that ... Hi, okay. Sorry. L.A.? Why are you going to L.A.?

AT THE GYMNASIUM

Man : Name and affiliation?

Nathan : Nathan Scott, university of Maryland.

Man : Professional affiliation. Who invited you to the combine?

Nathan : No one did, sir.

Man : These are professional trials, son ... invitation only.

Nathan : I understand that. Look, I was an all-American at Maryland last season, And i was just hoping that ... Look, this is kind of my last sh*t.

Man : Didn't you get thrown through a window?

Nathan : Please.

Man : I'm sorry. You can't be here.

Coach : Nathan. He's with us. Better go suit up.

AT CLOTHES OVER BROS

[Brooke is dancing like a crazy girl]

Julian : "Breakfast club." You were the priss.

Brooke : Let me guess. You were the stoner?

Julian : Well, if you say so. They end up together.

Brooke : Can I help you?

Julian : You should design the wardrobe for the movie.

Brooke : I'm not a costume designer.

Julian : Oh. I can see that.

Brooke : I'm starting a new line.

Julian : Well, okay, let me try this again. You should design the wardrobe for the movie. You were there, it's authentic, it's press-Worthy, and I would be lucky to have you before the debut of our new line, Which I'm sure is going to be fabulous ... Sorry ... Hello? Yes, this is me. It is too me. Oh, listen, I'm with Brooke right now. No, I'm not gonna blow it. No, I am not. No, I'm not ... Sorry. Sam says hi.

Brooke : Sam? My Sam? And why does my Sam have your phone number?

Julian : She has an interest in the film industry.

Brooke : She is 15, you pervert.

Julian : Okay, just wrap your head around it, okay? You and the movie, I mean. Not me and Sam. She's only 15, you know. You pervert.

AT THE GYMNASIUM

Chris : Hey, man, whose shoes are those?

Nathan : Mine.

Chris : I know that, but I'm saying, who else shoes are they? Ray Allen? Kg?

Nathan : I heard what you asked. I meant what i said. They're mine.

Chris : Whatever you say, baller. Kid got his own shoe contract, but he's still trying out for the big league. Don't matter none, anyhow. Ain't nobody gonna give no roster spot To no fool with no green elf shoes on. Hey, man, let me see those things, riddler.

Man : 37 inches.

Nathan : Get a close enough look?

Man : 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17...

Man : 3.1.

Coach : Shame how you've let yourself go, Nate.

BROOKE'S HOUSE

Sam : You were kind of skanky, weren't you?

Brooke : What?

Sam : In high school. You acted all weird this morning. Because you were totally having sex at 15.

Brooke : I was not.

Sam : You were, too. Is that where "clothes over bros" came from? Tired of being the dirty girl? 'Cause you're a bit of a prude now.

Brooke : First of all, shut it. Second of all, if I have been a little frigid lately... It's probably because I ... was att*cked at my store ... not long before you moved in, and it's made me a little closed off ... Especially with boys.

Sam : Oh, my god. Brooke, did he ...

Brooke : No. No. But I've been really angry about it, and i have a whole no other set of issues with Owen. And I'm ... Trying to let it all go, and i just wanted you to know. Because... i just want you to know.

Sam : Okay?

Brooke : Okay ... And, yeah... for the record, I was pretty slutty in high school. And i wish i wouldn't have been, 'cause you don't get to take any of that back.

Sam : Brooke ... I like talking to you.

Brooke : Thanks, Sam. I like talking to you, too.

AT DIXON'S STUDIO

Lucas : Excuse me! Excuse me! Hi. Uh, I'm ...

Dixon : Lucas Scott! "And in that moment, he realized it's not what you are or who you are, but who they allow you to be." That is good writing. Really good writing! I love this script. Love it!

AT SCOTT'S HOUSE

Jamie : I don't want to come out.

Haley : Come on, buddy. I want to see you.

Jamie : No, i look like a tool.

Haley : James Lucas Scott. You look so awesome!

Jamie : I look like a penguin.

Haley : You look cute! Now come over here, and we will go over this song again. Little tie! Looks so cute.

Jamie : Sorry, I always mess that up.

Haley : It's okay. You nervous?

Jamie : A little.

Haley : Yeah, you definitely get that from me.

Jamie : I wonder how daddy's doing.

AT THE GYMNASIUM

Chris : I remember now. You played at Maryland, right? Got into a scrape right before the draft. Man, you that fool.

Man : 6'5 1/4".

Chris : You hear that? Point guard! 6'5 1/4". Thank you, god and my mama. Nathan Scott, ladies and gentlemen.

Man : 6'2."

Chris : Ooh, 6'2" sh**ting guard. Are there any scouts out here for the ymca rec league?

Coach : All right, all right. Gentlemen, we're gonna divide you up into groups and let you play. Point guards on my right. Two-Guards on my left. Forwards and centers, other end of the court. Show us what you got.

Chris : Let's go, fellas.

Man : Nathan. Two-Guards over here.

Nathan : I'm trying out as a point guard.

Coach : Okay. But... you ever played the point?

Flash back

Nathan : Well, I've never played point guard in my life.

Quentin : You better learn, 'Cause you're too short to play the two in the pros. Bro, you 6'2".

Nathan : And I was also 12 hours away From being an NBA lottery pick, you idiot.

Quentin : Well, I'm glad you had the accident, 'Cause you sure wouldn't have made it. You got to move to the point.

Nathan : You're out of your mind! You realize nobody's ever told me this before?

Quentin : Well, I'm telling you now, all right? And anyways, man, they all get their commission when you sign. Ain't like nobody gonna risk their 10% by telling you the truth. Huh? Now, look, Nate. Yo, if you can make it by playing against tall guys at the two, man, all good. But if you can't, we work on your handle, we work on your quickness, and we make damn sure you got the best sh*t of playing pro ball.

Nathan : Why are you doing this for me, Q?

Quentin : This ain't just your dream, man. Let's work on that left.

Numbers are funny. They can measure you, time you, analyze you all they want, but they all know what really matters Is how you play the game. He think I've lost a step because of my accident. So he's gonna play me tight. I haven't.

Mans : Whoo!

Now he'll back off because he doesn't want to get b*at off the dribble. Just a half step. That's a mistake.

Mans : Whoo!

You ever heard the expression "they can't measure heart"? Well, the truth is, they can't measure any of it ... Heart, want, need. They think i can't play point guard. But Q knew I could.

Mans : Whoo!

You can't measure a dream.

MOUTH'S WORK

Gigi : Mouth, you made it. Here, you better catch up.

Mouth : You're like the devil. You know that?

Gigi : No, just devilish. What's that?

Mouth : Just a little going-Away present.

Gigi : Oh, it's the t-Shirt I slept in after I threw up and passed out in your bed. Oh, it's so sweet. You never told me how you got me into this t-Shirt, Mouth. Maybe sometime you can get me out of it.

AT DIXON'S STUDIO

Dixon : Is this your first script?

Lucas : Yeah.

Dixon : Don't worry. I'll fix I

Lucas : Uh, is there something wrong with it?

Dixon : No. I love it. I said i love it, and i love it. A couple thoughts, that's all.

Lucas : Okay, like what?

Dixon : All right, clear your head, all right? What if Haley... Dies?

Lucas : You're serious?

Dixon : I'm saying think about it. People love that stuff. Man, DiCaprio d*ed in "titanic." That is gold, baby, gold!

Lucas : Yes, but it didn't happen.

Dixon : It doesn't matter. Let me ask you this. Who goes to see this movie? The same little b*tches who went and saw "titanic." Young girls, man. They don't have a voice, But when they find something that speaks to them, We're talking box office, baby! You're king of the world! Whew!

Lucas : Even so, Haley can't just..Ie.

Dixon : You got a vision. I can respect that. What about this? ... What if Lucas and Haley get married? I'm serious about this one, 'Cause if there's one thing that I know, It's that audiences get crazy over who ends up together. It's what I do, Luke. It's what I know. Think about it.

AT CLOTHES OVER BROS

Brooke : I thought about it. And I'm not interested.

Julian : You couldn't have told me that over the phone?

Brooke : Well, that, yeah, But the rest of this I wanted to say to your face. I don't trust you ... Not with Peyton, and definitely not with Sam. And that is not gonna get you anywhere ... the grin. I'm sure it's gotten you in a lot of doors And in a lot of beds, but it's not gonna do you any good with me.

Julian : Listen, Brooke, when i make a movie, I set the bar as high as I possibly can. I put together y wish-List cast, My wish-List crew, my wish-List designer, And sometimes, you know, the timing works out, The material works out, and you get lucky. Sometimes you don't. Good luck with everything.

PEYTON'S STUDIO

Mia : I didn't listen to it. I write my own songs.

Peyton : Mia, I am not in the best mood right now, and so it is a very bad time for you to make some naive little stand.

Mia : You think I'm naive? Peyton, I am not the same girl who left on tour last year, okay?

Peyton : God, I hope that's not true, because i liked that girl. As a matter of fact, i loved that girl.

Mia : Oh, really? Then what happened to protecting her? What happened to telling the label to be patient, because my songs are gonna be great?

Peyton : Oh, I've been doing that! I have been doing that for months now! But what happened to actually doing the work, Mia? Now, the label wants you to record this song Because they care. When they stop caring, that's when we have a problem.

Mia : Well, I'm not gonna do it.

Peyton : You are being so ungrateful! Do you understand? I put my ass on the line for you every single day!

Mia : Well, I put my ass on the line for you every single night, Peyton. Okay? Literally. Did you see how short that skirt was that you put me in at the U.S.O. Show? But I did it. I've done everything you've asked me to do, but I am not gonna do this.

Peyton : Hey. I'm not sure you should be on this label anymore. Life's too short. Trust me.

SCHOOL TALENTS

Chuck : Man, Madison's really k*lling it.

Jamie : I knew I should've told jokes.

Chuck : Seriously. You're hosed.

Mouth : Hi.

Haley : Hey! You smell like alcohol.

Mouth : Really?

Haley : Yeah.

Mouth : Is it bad?

Haley : No. Do you have any with you?

Mouth : No.

Brooke : Hey! Look who we found!

Haley : Hey!

Nathan : Hi, mouth.

Haley : Hey, baby. How did it go?

Nathan : I did what my son told me to ... the best I could.

Haley : Here he comes!

Brooke : He looks so cute!

Haley : He's nervous.

Jamie : Hi, my name is James Lucas Scott, and I'm gonna play "the first noel."

Haley : He's just got to get past this first part,

Nathan : And he'll be good.

Haley : Oh, no.

Jamie : This is awkward ... How's everyone doing tonight? ... Last week, my mom asked me how I liked going to school ... I told her, "not as much as I like coming home from it." And seriously, what's with the cafeteria food? I mean, i can't tell if kids are out sick from eating that stuff, or we're actually eating the kids who are out sick. Take my hot lunch...please. And now, the big finish ... Something like that. What do you want from me? I'm 5. Thank you and good night!

AT THE BAR

Sam : Should've gone to Jamie's talent show with Brooke.

John : You're kidding, right?

Sam : I like them. They're nice to me.

John : I think it's funny how you stole from Brooke Davis and called her a bitch, and now you like her.

Sam : I was pissed off. So what?

John : What'd you say after she caught you shoplifting? You said she was a rich bitch and someone should put her in her place.

Sam : So?

John : You said someone should put her in her place, Sam.

AT DIXON'S STUDIO

Dixon : So, tell me again why Lucas has to end up with Peyton.

Lucas : Because they do. Because that's the story. Because that's what happened.

Dixon : It's a movie! Got to raise the stakes. k*ll off one of the younger characters.

PEYTON'S STUDIO

Peyton : Hello? Hi, doctor. It's me. Well, what does that mean? What's wrong?

AT BROOKE'S HOUSE

Sam : After you caught me shoplifting. I was with my friends, and I said some terrible things about you.

Brooke : Okay. Sam, what happened?

Sam : Well ... don't, please. Just don't. But i didn't mean them. I didn't ... I didn't mean any of it.

Brooke : But ... Sam, I'm sorry. I don't understand.

Sam : The att*ck ... it was my fault.

AT THE TRIC

Julian : Bourbon is a good, honest drink, you know? Classier than whiskey. Less of a stick up its ass than scotch.

Owen : I'm an alcoholic.

Brooke : Owen... Has Sam been in here tonight?

Owen : No. Why? What's wrong?

Brooke : We had a ... a thing and she left and i let her go and i shouldn't have.

Owen : It's okay. Here, have a seat.

Brooke : No, i have to find her.

Owen : Brooke, come on, she's a teenager. She's not even your teenager.

Brooke : And what is that supposed to mean?

Julian : I'll let you two...

Brooke : Julian, if she calls you ...

Julian : It's not my problem.

Owen : Look ... I just mean it's not like she's gonna stay with you forever, right?

Brooke : What is wrong with you? I came here because I need your help.

Owen : But, I mean, you know Sam. She'll turn up.

Brooke : No. It's different this time. But with you, it's exactly the same.

Owen : Hey, Brooke! That's not fair.

Brooke : I have to find her! But I'll do it by myself, just like I always do. Don't call me anymore.

MOUTH'S HOUSE

Mouth : So, how about we rent a movie, and then we can ...

Millicent : I was looking for the number for the pizza place.

Mouth : Oh, no. No, no, Millie, it's not ...

Millicent : It's not what it looks like? This isn't a half-Naked picture of your ex-Girlfriend in one of your t-Shirts?

Mouth : She sent it to me tonight. It was a joke. Millie, please. There is nothing going on between us, i swear. I-I was gonna delete it.

Millicent : But you didn't. You know what? You're an idiot.

Mouth : Millie, don't go, please. It doesn't mean anything.

Millicent : You're wrong, Marvin. It means everything.

SCOTT'S HOUSE

Haley : How funny was your son tonight?

Nathan : Oh, he was goofy, like his mom.

Haley : I think he was brave, like his dad. Mmm. So, what's next with our comeback?

Nathan : Well, what's next is the phone's gonna ring, and the answer is either gonna be a yes or a no.

Haley : It's going to be a yes.

Nathan : I hope so. But if it's a no, then this is the end of it, and i'm okay with that.

AT THE TRIC

Owen : Rough night, Millie?

Millicent : Horrible.

Owen : Yeah, me, too. You know I haven't had a drink in over eight years? Tonight, that's gonna change.

Millicent : I haven't had sex in over 22 years and tonight, that's gonna change.

AT THE BAR

Julian : Thank you.

Brooke : Hey.

Julian : Hey, any luck?

Brooke : Uh, no. Are you looking for her, too?

Julian : I'm not that guy, Brooke. I'm just getting coffee. Sorry.

Brooke : Excuse me. I'm looking for someone, uh, A young girl that comes in here a lot. She's kind of a skater, sarcastic.

Girl : Let me guess. Her name is Sam, and she puts a lot of sugar in her coffee.

Brooke : You've seen her?

Girl : No, but that cute guy that just left asked me the same exact thing.

Brooke : Thanks.

SCOTT'S HOUSE

Nathan : And then he got worried, and he backed off just a half step. So, what do you think I did?

Jamie : Pulled up for 3 ... nothing but net.

Nathan : That's right. You know, I'm proud of you, buddy. You took something that would've beaten most people, and you kept going with it. You turned it into something great.

Jamie : So did you, daddy.

Haley : All right, Chris rock, I know you're still wired, but it's time for bed.

Jamie : How about a nursery rhyme?

Haley : Okay. But you're gonna have to read it. You want an old-School, creepy one, or a new, good-For-You one?

Jamie : Old-School creepy. Okay.

Haley : Okay. There. Gentle.

Jamie : "A man of words and not of deeds... Is like a garden full of weeds."

"And when the weeds begin to grow, ... It's like a garden full of snow."

"And when the snow begins to fall, ... It's like a bird upon the wall."

"And when the bird away does fly, ... It's like an eagle in the sky."

"And when the y begins to roar,... It's like a lion at the door."

Peyton : Hi! I have to tell you something.

"And when the door begins to cr*ck,... It's like a stick across your back."

"And when your back begins to smart..."

John : Hey. You okay?

"...It's like a penknife in your heart."

John : Sam, this is my brother, "x."

Flash back

X : Have a nice night?

X : Have a bad night?

"And when your heart begins to bleed, ... You're dead ... And dead ... and dead indeed. "