01x03 - Aimee

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Portlandia". Aired: January 2011 to March 2018.*
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Comedy skits about various offbeat fictional characters in Portland, Oregon.
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01x03 - Aimee

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey! Nice choice. I love this place.

Patron: So, we're thinking it's a callous, right?

And so he cuts it open...

It's a wart.

I mean.

Oh, come on.

A guy like that is hanging out here?

This bar is over.

What?

Ah, come on, man.

Fixed-gear bikes are over.

Hey, man, take it.

It's free... enjoy it.

'Cause they're over.

Over!

And I show up and I'm giving everybody hugs.

You know, "hey, you're my cousin.

"You're this.

"You're that."

And I figure out...

It's, like, not even my family at all.

Like, I don't know anybody there.

I'm like a total stranger.

Stupid.

What?

What did that guy make?

Oh.

Guess what?

Shell art is over!

It's done!

Hey, thanks for ruining shell art.

Ha, ha, ha.

That's over.

Ha, ha, ha.

That's over.

Huh?

Ah!

What?

Chin breads are over.

Everything's over!

The business he wanted open before that was a sport store.

Hockey gear and, uh, they had, uh, football gear.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

This guy's in there?

And, uh... he's looking at me.

How are ya, friend?

It's cold out there.

This bar is so over.

[ Music ]

Carrie Brownstein: Hey.

Get over here.

Do you see that?

Fred Armisen: Oh, it's our cleaning lady.

That's great.

It's aimee mann.

What?

That's not aimee mann.

Yes, it is.

Aimee.

Aimee.

It's so crazy she's like in our house.

Why is she cleaning our house?

I guess the music industry must be really suffering or something.

I don't know.

God, it's like you always read articles about it and it's totally true.

I don't read the whole articles, though.

You know, like, I only read, like, parts of them.

I know, but the headlines are always, like, "the music industry's in the toilet."

Right.

That's as much as I read.

I feel like we should talk to her.

Yeah, oh, no, totally.

Miss. Mann.

Hi.

Aimee Mann: Hi.

Sorry to bother you.

We're, like, super huge fans.

You're, like, the super coolest.

And we're, like, honored to meet you.

And you're such a good singer.

Well, thank you very much.

That's good to hear.

Thanks.

Appreciate it.

It's just funny to even stand this close to you.

Like, I've tried at concerts to be this close.

But I never can get up to the front 'cause people are so crowded.

Yeah, it's always so crowed.

Well, that's really nice to hear... thanks.

Sorry about the music industry.

That's a drag, huh?

Yeah, well, thing's are crazy.

How about that?

I apologize for downloading, like, your last four records and I b*rned all of them for friends.

That's awful.

Well, I appreciate that.

Yeah.

We're super being nerdy, loser, so like... well, I should probably get back to work 'cause I gotta do the floor.

Didn't you do this already?

I mean, some of this is not... it looks like dirt but it's not.

It actually is dirt.

It is dirt.

Okay.

You know, I mean I can totally just do it again.

It's the kind of thing where you actually need to get up on the stove to get enough leverage.

Right, okay.

And also, like, don't clean it too much.

'Cause, like, we don't wanna taste the cleaning supplies, you know.

It's, like, acidic.

So, somewhere in between the full scrub... it is such a fine line.

It is such a fine line.

And you're gonna nail it.

Also, I don't really care.

It's, like, it doesn't matter to me.

Like, have fun.

Okay.

I'll keep it in mind, thanks.

Nice to meet you guys.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, aimee.

Save me.

[ Music ]

Two.

Man, I like how they roast the beans here.

It's like the only place in town that does it right.

No, no, get out of here, man, okay?

You messed with her.

Look at her.

She's upset.

That is my friend.

The way you treat people.

What are you?

Think about that.

Hichiro, do the dog thing.

Yeah.

Woman: Oh.

What's that?

There's a box.

Man: Oh... yes!

What?

It's here.

Who's this from?

Uh, that's a secret, but it's for you.

Is it clothes?

No, I'm gonna tell you about it tonight.

Tonight?

Good girls wait.

What is it?

Eee!

Shh.

Okay.

I know we're technically not engaged yet...

But I did want to give you a ring.

That's hot.

It's got batteries and everything.

Just like a watch.

Baby, I wanna make you tick.

Let's try this, right?

Let me get this thing open.

[ Vibrating ]

That box is so huge for, like, such a little thing.

Don't worry about the box.

Just concentrate on me.

I don't want it to go to waste.

Maybe we can make something of it.

I'm pretty good at crafts.

Baby, come on.

Just give me a minute, okay?

Please.

Lance, look.

Okay... I get it.

Great... come on.

[ Vibrating ]

Feel that?

Yeah.

It takes, like, centuries for all of that stuff to decompose, you know?

God, keep your head in the party zone.

I wanna do a party of my own.

Look, Lance.

A chess set.

I used the cardboard for the board, and the styrofoam for the pieces.

All right, you did it, come on.

[ Vibrating ]

There's so much more we can do.

Please.

I have an idea.

A way that nothing will go to waste.

Not one part of that box.

Um, hi.

Um, we thought you could use this as a house.

Sir?

Bro... bro.

[ Vibrating ]

Lance!

Look, the box is here.

We just got rid of it.

How did it get back up here?

What do you want?

Get out!

Get out!

No!

Ahhh!

[ Vibrating ]

Fred: Oh, no.

Aimee?

Carrie: Hey, aimee, can you come in here for a second?

Did you wash this?

Aimee: Yep.

Does this look right to you?

It's my sweater.

This is a delicate.

I totally understand that and...

I got this for him for his birthday last year and he's never gonna be able to wear it again.

It was a birthday present for my birthday.

Like, the day that I was born.

And look, we're laid back.

We don't care.

But this, I can't wear.

I don't know how you can tell if it doesn't fit if you don't try it on.

You can tell by putting it up against my body.

Look through the stuff, that's all.

I'm sorry your sweater got shrunk a little bit.

Okay... apology accepted.

I'm sure we'll work out a system next time.

But, um...

We will.

Truce.

All right.

Aimee.

Aimee.

Guess who we hate?

Suzanne vega.

Suzanne vega.

You guys... you guys don't have to do that.

I mean I'm...

I have actually no problem with Suzanne vega at all.

Hey, do you mind picking this up off the floor?

My necklace is gone.

It's not in there at all?

No.

Do you think she took it?

Yes, I think she took it.

Hey, aimee?

Uh-huh?

Um, there's a necklace missing from this top drawer that belongs to her, and it's kind of important to us.

Do you know where it went?

No... was it out?

No, it was... it was right here.

It was in the drawer?

No, I didn't open any drawers.

Uh-huh, so it's just miraculously gone?

It just walked off on its own.

Well, I don't know anything about it.

We're gonna ask you one more time, okay?

One more time.

Do you know where the necklace went?

No, I didn't take it, but thank you.

And I will keep an eye out for it, okay?

There's a little grace period where it'd still be okay if you were like, "yeah, I took it."

Five, four, three... no, I didn't take your necklace.

Okay... fine.

We'll take your word for it.

Can I get back to work?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Aimee... aimee, you know who we hate?

Tori amos.

Isn't she the worst?

I... you know, I don't really have a problem with Tori amos.

I wrote Tori amos a letter.

She didn't write back.

You're the greatest.

Aimee.

Aimee.

Guess who we hate?

Sarah McLachlan.

We made a piñata of her.

Jesus Christ.

I know her.

She's genuinely a nice person.

It's totally uncool.

Seriously, cut it out.

Hey, there's a little bit of a mess right here.

Can you clean it up?

I'm leaving.
Sarah Mclachlan: Hey, aimee.

Oh, hey, Sarah McLachlan.

Thanks for sticking up for me.

No problem.

Did they really make a piñata of me?

Yeah.

Who does that?

I don't know.

Woman: So I just want the, uh, strawberry cream cheese and honey.

And honey.

Man: All right... thanks.

How's your dog?

He's good.

You know, it's like I-I had him on a rope and then he didn't wanna be on a rope.

Thanks, dude.

[ Cell phone ringing ]

sh*t, hold on.

Hello?

What?

No, you gotta get outta there.

Dude, get outta there.

You've got to get outta there.

You got to.

Hey, it's me.

I know.

I know you just... you just gotta get outta there.

Listen, listen, listen, listen, stop.

You gotta get outta there.

That's all.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

Just tell him to get out.

No... get out.

I am out.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get out.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get out.

Get out.

Just go.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta, you gotta.

Just go.

You gotta.

Move.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta, you gotta, you gotta.

You gotta get outta there.

Calm down.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta here.

That's all we're asking.

Just get out.

You know, I wouldn't gotten out of there a long time ago.

Are you gonna get out...

[ music ]

Frankie: Remember how you used to follow me in the restaurant?

You shadowed me on your first day?

Latisha: Oh, yeah.

It's just like that.

Latisha, you can do this.

All right.

Let's go... hi, guys.

Hey.

I'm Frankie.

I'm gonna be shadowed by latisha tonight.

Get over here, girl.

Hi, all.

Okay, this guy has a really weird neck.

Don't say anything about it, but compliment it.

Oooh, you have a neck like a movie star.

Now you try it.

You have a neck like a movie star.

No, don't look at me, look at him.

You have a neck like a movie star.

No, look at him.

You have a neck like a movie star.

Good.

Hey, mister.

Hey, mister.

I'm gonna get my boss.

I'm gonna get my boss.

No, he's fine.

He's fine.

He's fine.

He's fine.

He's not the one.

He's not the one.

You... he's not the one touching.

He's not the one touching.

I can't have any chemicals or anything from companies on my body because it creates a smell.

It's like a putrid order.

What are you guys drinking?

You know you guys are charged way too much for the drinks.

No... hey, come here.

Your pecks are so big.

Oooh, you're like the hulk.

Oooh, you're like the hulk.

No, not me.

I'm not the hulk.

He's the hulk.

Oh, he's the hulk.

Did you hear about the hulk?

No, no, no, you wanna stroke.

You know what this reminds him of?

When I'm doing this?

I know.

When you're at a store and you just wanna grab that tie from the rack and it won't come off 'cause it's stuck.

No.

Do it.

I-I.

No.

Thanks for helping me.

Yeah.

You'll get used to it.

You can stop shadowing me, now.

You can stop shadowing me.

No, stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Argh.

Argh.

Argh.

Argh.

Daniel: People call us dumpster divers.

Dumpster divers.

See, perfectly good stuff.

All we're doing is not letting anything go to waste.

Look, baby food.

We can use it as a sauce.

Companies throw out perfectly good products.

Americans are wasteful.

Woman: I don't know why people live any other way.

Yeah.

There's no reason ever in the world in this time and this day in age to buy food.

This is a perfectly good watermelon.

There's a hair on it.

Other than that.

That's... I don't know.

I mean we stepped in some nasty stuff and then we just get out of there, wash out feet.

Get outta there.

Walk down the street.

I mean we're like architects.

We have an eye for detail.

We know what's good in there and we know what we can discard.

And if it's nasty, shut that thing.

Aww... aww.

How sweet.

So we got a dinner party coming up and we invited a bunch of people... all our friends.

This is just like a decoration for the dinner party... like a Chinese lantern.

People just throw anything out.

You remember that shirt I have that's missing a sleeve?

Yeah.

This is a sleeve.

Use that as a sleeve?

Yeah.

Oh, look, aqua.

Yeah, o, that's vinegar.

I know.

I'm realizing it right now.

Oh.

Oh, you like that?

Oh.

You can make something out of there.

Yeah.

Oh.

You came back to life.

Wow.

Who'd throw this out?

That's exactly what I was thinking.

It's crazy.

That looks great on you.

It totally works.

Oh.

Home sweet home.

It's gonna be the best dinner party ever.

You know if they bring extra people and extra friends that's fine with me.

I think we have plenty.

Some good friends of ours will be like, "why do you always serve this?

"Get us outta here.

"This is like the ninth time "you've made this for us.

"We're asking you as friends.

"Just come on.

"Please, we'll buy it for you.

"It's on us."

Hey, what time you coming over?

Oh, really?

Damn.

That's everyone.

No one's coming now.

I don't understand.

No, no... come on.

Don't be upset.

It's okay.

It's just not fair.

No, no, come on.

Nobody's coming.

You know what we'll do?

Let's go for a dive.

That'll cheer you up, all right?

I saw a new dumpster over by Morrison's.

All right?

It's by the toy store.

We'll get some kids games.

We'll play those.

All right?

You did good.

Don't worry about this.

We'll eat it later.

There's nothing, man.

It's just junk.

It's garbage.

Daniel, look.

Hey.

Awww.

Awww.

Awww.

Hey, who would throw a friend out like this?

Yeah.

You'll come to our dinner party, right?

Awww.

Such a good boy.

Who wants lentil stew?

Okay.

This is going to be amazing.

Mmm.

We are starving.

Mmm.

Mmm.

It is a curry, lentil, cabbage, cumin stew.

So how long were you over by that dumpster?

That's where you hang out?

All right.

Found a really good place, uh, behind the, uh, thai place.

They said, "are you guys supposed to be back here?"

We said, "where are we not supposed to be?"

Daniel.

Look... awww.

It looks like a little kuala bear.

Who would throw something like this away?

Awww.

She likes things.

To my friends I say this, "okay, you guys win.

"But who saved more money?"

And the answer is really, they did 'cause of all the energy and work, but still.

Fred: Aimee.

Carrie: Aimee!

Hey.

Aimee... hi.

Please, don't go.

Don't go.

Aimee: Well, I'm actually done with my cleaning and stuff, so I just wanna go home and, like, change my clothes.

Guess what?

What?

We got you a show.

We did?

Yeah, we did.

We got you a show.

You got me a gig?

Uh-hmm.

Like in town or... pretty close by venue.

Oh.

Who suspect they could never love anyone except the freaks who could never love anyone.

Thank you.

Thanks so much.

Yeah!

Whoo!

One more.

Encore!

Encore!

[ Music ]

One more song!

More!

Aimee!

Aimee!

Aimee!

Whoo.

Aimee.

Okay, if she comes back I don't want her to play any new songs, right?

Yeah.

I'm always like, why?

I hate - I hate when people do that.

I have to, like, fake, like enthusiasm.

I'm like, "yeah" and it's like... there she is.

There she is.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Sarah, sit!

Aimee, go ahead.

Play one song, please.

Save me if you could.

Save me.

Doesn't it sound good on these little speakers?

That's the best way to listen to music, just on a laptop.

Yep.

In that song, "save me" when you say "from the ranks of the freaks," what did you mean by that?

I kinda wrote it a while ago, I can't... we'll leave you alone in a second.

But, seriously, full great live best show.

I was gonna say, top four of the last seven years.

What?

You wrote this.

Yep.

Hichiro.

Yey!
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