01x05 - Kick the Can

[bunniefuu]

Well, that was horrible.

Yeah, some of the things that I said in there, I didn't... it was like they just came out.

No, it's...

I didn't mean...

I did the same thing. I think that's therapy.

I think you just kind of...

[car beeps]

How are we supposed to do this every weekend?

I... I don't know.

[Grunts]

I don't know what to do with myself.

Where... where do you go after World w*r III emotional bombing?

Is there any way that we could just, like, let it go?

Just move on with the day?

We have the babysitter.

Yeah.

Just... Wildest dreams...

Okay, I like this.

If you were to, uh, follow your bliss...

Mm-hmm.

What would you do?

Anything.

Anything in the whole world?

Anything.

[Sighs]

Barnes and Noble, third floor, green leather chair.

I would get a peppermint tea.

I would get an original copy of "Dune," and nobody would know where to find me, and I would be all by myself.

And just... [sighs]

Your dream is to go to Barnes and Noble by yourself?

That's your dream?

It was the first thing that popped into my head.

It's just like a solace thing. It's comfortable for me.

I don't know.

Okay, I guess - what I was thinking, um, was more like, um... a couple thing. Like, something for us together.

Right, yeah.

So in that kind of place.

No, yeah, yeah.

You're right, I'm sorry. That was... yes, of course.

Like, that wasn't fun, but this will be...

This will be fun.

So fun.

I'm not sure I can generate that.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

But if you got something, I could probably, like, get on your wagon and, like...

What... what just happened?

Oh.

What happened?

Something amazing.

What?

Kickball.

Okay.

Yeah. Oh my god.

No... no kids. I'm gonna text everyone and I'm gonna say, "No kids."

So you're talking like a... like a...

Like... like how we used to just, like, play kickball.

Oh god. And just, like, drink beer and be in the park.

The idea of a party with a lot of people, it makes me just a little anxious, just because of, like, where we're coming from.

I get it. I just wonder if there's any way that we can not, like, talk it to... to death before...

You're right, say no more.

What if it's just fun?

I hear you.

We're... that's over. We're going to kickball. Yeah.

[laughs] Okay, all right.

Yes. Okay, you go get a ball, get some cones.

I'm gonna hold the field down.

Roger roger.

See you soon.

Okay.

[Cell phone ringing]

[people chattering]

Uh-oh!

[scatting nonsense words]

Hey, Alex, I got a situation, man.

Uh-oh.

What's going on?

It's kind of a long story, but can you do me a huge favor?

You busy?

No, I'm just busy being Tina's bitch. What do you need?

Okay, can you go to Big 5 and get, like, a kickball and some cones and maybe pick up some beer?

Of course.

This would be huge for me.

I need 20 minutes so I can just get myself into a better place.

All right, consider it done. Love you, man.

Love you too, bud. Thanks.

You got it.

[Sighs]

[children playing]

[phone beeps]

[all chattering]

Hi. Hi!

How's it going?

Good.

I'm so sorry.

Um, I'm kind of reserving the field.

Oh, you did?

Yeah.

I am... in this moment.

So you, like, made a reservation?

I mean, not, like, officially.

But I'm... you know, I've been here, like, holding down the fort and just waiting for people...

Right.

No, I hear you.

Um, we actually reserved this field a while back for my friend Sailor's birthday.

Yeah, we're playing kick the can, so...

[sighs]

Okay.

We are playing kickball.

So we need, like, the bases and the whole, like, official field that you guys don't need.

So is there some kind of compromise where, like, we could have this bit and you could have that?

And it's just kind of important to me.

I have so many people coming...

Uh... and I've organized this whole thing now.

Right.

Sorry, I don't... I don't really know what to tell you.

But good luck. Good luck and we are going to need the whole field.

So thank you.

This is cool over here.

I can see why people are starting to migrate east.

They just live here because they can't afford to live where you live.

Oh, you prefer it in the hills.

It's just so dead over here. Nobody goes out.

You should come over more often.

I slept over almost every night this week.

Sally loves it when you sleep over.

Oh, do you? Oh!

[laughs]

She loves a good nose. Is that my brother-in-law?

What is he doing? I'll meet you up at the field, okay?

Okay.

Come on, Sally. Let's go break some hearts.

Radio: ♪ But I'm walking in Memphis ♪
♪ Just walking... ♪

Ah! Oh, f*ck!

Jesus, Tina.

[laughs]

Thank you for that.

What's up, weirdo?

That was really, really, really awesome.

Thank you.

All right, grumpy pants.

Are you coming?

Yes, I'm coming.

I'll be there in a second.

Let's go.

[Car beeping]

Wait, hold on.

I'm not ready. I'm taking... I just need, like, a second.

Don't do this.

Don't do what?

What are you...

This whole mood-k*ller thing.

She's so f*cking psyched and she really needs this day and she really needs to party and have fun.

And if you're going to be like this, it's going to ruin it for her.

Okay, I am trying to get myself ready for that, but it's a little hard for me, okay? Do you understand that?

Yeah, I mean, I do.

But just fake it.

I mean, do you see this smile?

Yeah.

I'm dead inside.

Really? I mean, this isn't really how I want to spend my day.

But I am so f*cking psyched to spend it this way!

Okay.

How about a smile?

[Sighs]

Okay, do you... is there any way we can get some alcohol?

I've got some coming.

Okay.

See you up there.

I got the stuff.

Did you get beer?

Yeah.

I... no give me... I need one.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Thank you.

[opens can]

[gulping]

Whoa.

Phoebe: Look, how long can this ridiculous game of kick the can last, anyway?

Hours.

That's what they told me... hours.

[Whispering]

Yeah, I'll take a s*ab at it.

Phoebe: Honey, we'll work it out. It'll be fine.

Jenny: What do you do for hours?

Oh. They're not gonna play for hours.

Hey, hi.

Hi!

Hey, guys! [laughing]

Yo, what's happening, ballers?

All: Yay!

A'right.

Excuse me, do you guys like movies?

Mm-hmm. 'Cause I got $200 on this gift card for the ArcLight movie theater.

How about you guys catch a flick, order as many concessions as you want, and then everybody wins. What do you say?

I think we're good.

Okay, okay, okay, how about this?

How about Jamba Juice?

Good for a full year.

Okay, okay, Starbucks.

There's plenty of life left in this one.

You got a lot of gift cards.

Listen, they're playing hardball.

Tina: Oh, do you remember Brett and Alex?

Of course. Hey, Alex.

Hi, Larry.

Hi, sir. I worked on your show. Nice to see you.

Oh, no kidding.

Yeah.

So, Larry, what's the situation?

Oh, no kidding. Well, it's Yeah. A little complicated, but I think I can get them in the boat.

Excuse me, young lady?

Can I talk to you again just for one second?

[Muttering]

Name your price.

I got about $500 right here. It's yours. What do you say?

No, thanks.

But if you guys could clear off the bleachers,

'cause that's also our space, and maybe go away.

Actually, please forgive Daddy Warbucks here.

He's from a far-off land called West Hollywood.

They have a different set of rules.

I'm very sorry about that.

Here's the deal... could we possibly compromise?

Like, you guys use the field for an hour, and then we get a turn.

Doesn't that make everyone happy?

No! How many times to I have to say no to you people?

Like, it is my friend's birthday and you need to respect that.

I can't, I can't. You know, this is like... [muttering]

How about we go for sushi?

Man: Yep.

Lots of ways to have fun.

We can figure it out... yeah.

Jenny: We can drink more.

Look at these trees!

Phoebe: Dude, I'm kind of feeling the brunch vibe.

We want to play you.

Can you get the f*ck off the field?

Girl: Hey!

Whoa.

All right.

Here we go.

You did not just do that.

Here's the thing. We're not leaving.

So either you let us play you, or we're going to be all up in your sh*t all day.

All day. It's your choice.

Whatever you want.

Fine. Fine! You want to play us, lady?

Fine. Get ready.

You get ready.

You get ready to get your asses kicked by a bunch of old people.

[all laughing]

Okay. Mm-hmm. Get ready.

Man: Ready!

Thank you so much.

[laughing]

Youngsters, before there were smart phones and electric cars, there was shotgunning beer. It's really simple.

Take your beer, you're going to puncture it at the bottom, you're gonna put your finger on it, put it up to your mouth, cr*ck it open...

Okay, okay.

All: Whoo!

I'm just gonna show everyone how to do this.

[Hissing]

Tina: Yeah! Whoo!

[All cheering]

Woman: Go, go, go, go, go, go! Drink, drink, drink, drink!

Girl: Okay, okay, listen up, everyone.

The object of this game is for someone from your team...

[belching]

Please.

To kick this can after the game starts.

Okay.

Okay?

Got it.

You have to kick it before someone from our team captures you.

If you are caught, you will be put in jail.

If we catch all of you before you kick this can, we win.

If any one of you kicks the can, you win.

Is that clear?

Michelle: Yep.

Okay, you have one minute to hide.

Brett: Now?!

Yeah, now!

Oh, sh*t. Move it.

[Squeals]

Brett: Wait, where you going?

Girl: Okay, don't give out.

This could be fun.

[Children squealing]

All right, they're playing tight to the can, so I think we should hold here before we make any moves.

We're safe for now.

Want to hear the greatest sound in the world?

[Opens can]

Oh!

Shhh!

Sorry.

What was that all about?

What was what about?

Larry is the kind of producer who can make your career.

So you might not want to cut his balls off in front of f*ckin' hipster chick.

I didn't cut his balls off.

When he offered the money, you were all...

I thought it was a little weird that he offered money, but I don't think I was rude about it.

Okay.

I like Larry.

Okay.

I mean, he's... I have no issue with him.

Okay.

What?

Okay.

Do you think I'm jealous of Larry?

Let me tell you something... Larry is jealous of me.

Look at this sh*t. You taking this in right now?

Look at this... 10 lbs lighter already. Like that.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not jealous, if that's what you're getting at.

Okay.

He's a little creepy with his dog, though.

He's kind of like an old James Bond villain.

Stop, stop. He's got the little white dog.

f*ck you, stop.

He's just like, "Nyah nyah."

[laughs]

"Nyah nyah."

[Alex laughing]

Shh, shh! You're gonna blow our cover. Give me a beer.

Give me a beer. Thank you, thank you.

I'll take a beer as well, but you guys keep it down.

Okay, now I'm kicking you out. Get out, this is our spot.

This is our spot.

b*tches, - we were f*cking here first.

We're not all going to fit... Tina even urinated right here.

It's our territory.

That's so gross.

You're making too much noise.

Okay.

[Phoebe screaming]

Oh no!

[Phoebe screaming, laughing]

Girl: Jail time. [Phoebe grunts]

Who? What happened?

Phoebe.

We're dropping like flies.

One for my homie.

[All laughing]

Okay, let's mobilize. Get out of here.

We gotta keep moving to stay out...

Okay, okay. Hide.

Good luck.

Good luck.

[Squeals]

How you doin' today, lady?

I'm good.

Mm-hmm.

This is weird and fun.

Can I tell you something? You're amazing.

Oh.

You are... you're incredible.

You're amazing.

No, the fact that you came and resurrected yourself out of that f*ckin' therapy situation and, like, are blasting out having this fun day... Yeah.

You're like my hero.

[laughs] Yeah, seriously.

You're doing it too. Look at you.

Oh, I am...

Drinking and having fun.

This?

So awesome.

I am faking this whole thing.

I feel like I'm carrying the dead bodies of Michelle and Brett on my shoulders all day.

I'm, like, trying to dig myself out of the womb of despair and you're just, like... how the f*ck do you do it?

Just... just do it. Just have fun, you know?

I'm doing it, but I feel awful.

But I'm f*ckin'... I'm trying.

Okay.

I'm trying.

I see that you're trying.

I'm trying.

I appreciate it.

But, you know, this feels like the thing where...

[sighs]

The thing from therapy. I don't even want...

I don't want to talk about what we talked about in therapy.

Why not? Why don't you It's a real thing.

I can't just ignore it.

It was part of our day. We're not ignoring it.

Wet to therapy. We had that time set aside to talk about our problems.

We talked about it more in the car.

We got very very sad.

And then we decided, "Let's have a fun day.

Let's make the rest of the day fun."

Kick the can!

Yeah.

I'm doing it! Whats you expect?

I want you to have fun. I want to fun with you.

I can't.

You can't?

I can try. That's all I can do.

I don't think you should have to try.

I think it should be fun to hang out with your wife and your friends.

Well, if I don't try, then I might as well just f*ckin' be sitting at the Barnes and Noble.

Maybe maybe.

You know?

Maybe?

[Chortles]

If it's really hard.

Got it.

Okay.

[Can rattles]

All right.

Oh, Brett.

Brett.

Man: Oh, we... oh, we got a walker.

Hey, guard the can. Make sure he doesn't...

Turning myself in.

Man: What's up, kamikaze?

Hey, could be a decoy.

Keep an eye out.

I'm just turning myself in.

You're good. I got you.

Nope. Nope, thank you.

[laughs] Shh!

I don't like this f*ckin' place. It's gnarly.

Look, look, look!

Whoa, too small, too small.

Oh, sh*t, come on!

[Screaming]

Get in there.

I know you're in here.

[laughs] Oh my god.

[laughing]

[opens can]

Are you out of your mind?

[Chuckling] Shhh.

No, no, no, no.

She saw me. We're f*cked.

[Door rustling]

What a sucker.

She's gone.

What's wrong with you?

You smell good.

[laughs] You're so drunk.

I am.

Okay, let's go.

Okay.

[Gasps] You are going to jail.

I got you!

No, get off!

[Door slams open]

[door slams]

[children playing]

Hold on... hold on.

[Vomiting]

I'm good.

Whoa.

You guys, I totally almost puked on one of them.

[All laughing]

Man: Yo, yo, yo! Outside, outside! Got it!

sh**t it! I got it, I got it.

Hold on, hold up.

All right.

David.

Hey, Michelle?

Shh.

I'm out!

All right, here we go!

[Whispering] Duck.

Huh?

Duck, dude!

Oh.

Are you part of the kick-the-can game?

Yes, I am. Do you know that game?

I played it 1,000 times growing up.

Such a weird game.

You guys are k*lling it, huh?

Yeah. Listen, we're old, we're tired, we don't know this game.

But you're still alive.

I'm still alive, but, you know what?

I think the best thing for me to do for my own honor is just turn myself in.

Why?

That's what I'm gonna do.

Why? Because I wanted this day to be really fun...

Mm-hmm.

And it's a disaster.

I'm dragging the day out.

But you want to win, don't you?

I do want to win.

I want to win more than I want anything in the world.

I want to win the game.

So get...

You gotta go for it, then.

Yeah, but look at their strategy.

'Cause they caught everybody, so there's no point, like, to come looking for me.

They're just hoarding the can.

Yeah, got ya.

Yeah. Like, how do I win?

I can't get past them all.

Okay, let's figure it out.

It'll be fun.

Really?

Yeah.

You don't have to go back to your game?

Not at all.

Okay.

Here's one thing I was thinking, was maybe exploding my husband's car.

I like that.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

Creating a distraction.

Yeah, I wasn't even thinking about that.

Then they'll just, you know...

What a good idea.

Yes, it's a distraction.

Yeah.

That's what we need.

Yeah, it's... it's not going take time to distract a bunch of hipsters.

Just put on some Weezer or Grizzly Bear and they'll be distracted like that, you know?

Look at you, so cool.

Oh, I'm not cool. I'm, like, so uncool.

But, you know, they'll just run off to a corner and, like, you know, start... start doing their thing.

No, you're not.

Actually, I take it back.

You're not cool.

No, all right.

Let's... let's figure something out.

Okay.

What is there? What is there back there?

What is... what is that?

That's it.

[All chattering]

How'd you get caught?

I gave myself up.

Really?

Yup.

You voluntarily put yourself in jail?

I know what you're going to say...

I know...

You know, I'm not a big metaphor guy, but it seems like it might be a metaphor for your life right now.

I got... I got it. I know it.

Well, to give you a little perspective, it could be worse.

You could have just tried to make out with Tina.

Really?

How'd that go?

Not good.

Not good.

Did it land?

Uh, there was a crash landing and everyone d*ed on board.

Yeah. Something like that.

[Sprinkler hissing]

sh*t! What the...

[everyone laughing]

Ho, ho, ho! Yeah!

Alex: Run for your lives!

[Instrumental music playing]

[silent]

[silent]

[soft music playing]

♪ Oh, the sinking spell ♪
♪ Got to tiny heals ♪
♪ Pin the notice to posts ♪
♪ And then crawled in my mouth ♪
♪ There is a feeling I love ♪
♪ Buried in my brow ♪
♪ I have no reason to run ♪
♪ I see no reason ♪
♪ Are you with me now? ♪
♪ Are ♪
♪ Are you with me now? ♪
♪ Are... ♪