02x03 - Advanced Pretend

[bunniefuu]

(panting)

Brett!

Oh, sh*t.

Don't...

Whoa, hey, hey, hey! Don't, don't!

Whoa, buddy, it's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you.

I mean, what did he eat?

Did he eat vomit and then vomit up the vomit?

I'm really sorry.

Sweetheart, I know it seems like the end of the world, but everything's gonna be okay.

(sobbing)

Sorry, I just...

(phone chimes)

What does it say?

Just says he found him.

Where is he?

He didn't say, but he's with Alex, so he's fine.

Can I ask a few questions?

I wanna die.

Nothing deep.

Just some logistics.

Should I be heading back to LA proper?

f*ck, what are... f*ck, dude.

I'm not saying there.

I'm just... This is an all-electric vehicle.

Sorry.

Doesn't have... use gas.

I don't...

Sorry, I just... I don't...

Okay, you know what?

What does your gut tell you? What do you want?

I just... wanna... be, like, out of... like, gone.

I got something.

Okay, dude, we can go to the beach, or we can go home?

All right, look, I'm just gonna do some stuff.

If you don't like something I do, just... hit the buzzer, okay?

Okay.

Excuse me, we'll take two tickets to Detroit, please.

Okay, that'll be $952 per seat.

That's too expensive. I can't afford that.

I got it. I got Vlad money.

Wait!

(snoring)

(water running)

Alex: Knock knock.

You don't have to follow me around. I'm not going to do anything stupid.

I know. I just... I gotta drop some heat, so you gotta clear out.

Okay.

I thought you were sleeping.

No, I can't, um... switch my brain off.

Would you like a Valium?

Um...

That feels really nice.

I can be motherly. It's just nobody ever asks.

(chuckling)

I can't take a Valium.

I... What time is it even?

The kids are gonna be up so soon.

I'll take the kids.

I'll take care of it, okay?

You need to sleep because, you know, when you go to sleep, you can have a whole other life.

It does sound nice.

I'll be right back.

Hey.

Thank you for taking such good care of me.

And thank you for not... judging me.

I'm just really excited that you're more f*cked up than I am for once in our lives.

Didn't you just total your car?

f*ck you.

Well, here we are.

How's it feel to be coming home?

Oh, sh*t. He's right there.

What was that?

I can't face him.

Your dad?

Yeah. I...

I don't wanna tell him what's happened, but I don't wanna have to, like, lie to him, and it just... I can't.

This is f*cked.

What am I... What am I doing? After all this sh*t, I come to my parents' house, like a little child?

I'm an idiot.

I need you to go to the airport, please.

Okay.

I hear what you're saying right now, but do you think, perhaps, if we got some hot food in your belly, Dude, I'm not... that could possibly alter just a little bit of some of this?

I wanna go home.

How 'bout this. How 'bout we go to my mom's house?

And... Or a hotel?

And we just, like, take a nap.

I can't sleep. I tried to sleep on the plane.

My brain is in f*cking hamster mode, the wheels are just going.

And you can't just lay down and go to sleep, it makes it worse, okay?

Okay. Okay.

In high school...

Why are we not in Cancún?

Because I made a bad decision.

In high school, when sh*t was going down, you used to go for a run.

You used to say if you could inflict more pain on yourself than the world was inflicting upon you, it was a way of b*ating the system.

I'm in my pajamas.

(panting)

Wake up, Daddy, wake up!

Shh. Shh.

Where's Daddy?

Shh. Shh. Shh.

Daddy's on vacation with Alex.

Meet me in the kitchen. I'll be there in a second.

Okay, Teens!

Rather be with Daddy right now!

I'm hungry. I need some breakfast.

Okay, your choices are cereal or cereal.

That cereal's not healthy.

What time do you have to be at school?

8:00.

It's 7:45.

You gotta get dressed. Run, run, run!

Quick!

(Frank crying)

Dude, what are you doing?

Playing with Legos!

Listen, do you know how to change a diaper?

Frankie had a poopy! Frankie had a poopy!

I know how to change a diaper.

What the hell! Jesus Christ!

You owe Daddy another quarter! That's a dollar!

It's 50 cents! What are you doing here?

I slept here.

Where else was I gonna go?

Have you been here the whole time?

Yeah, I'm staying with Alex.

Can I have a chip?

Alex isn't here.

No.

Where's Alex?

He's in Detroit.

Oh.

That's awesome.

I love Detroit. I'm gonna go change that diaper.

No, no, no, that's okay, I got this.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...

Aah...

(Tina and Frank crying in unison)

You got pierogies?

Mmm. Yeah.

They're actually for you.

They're against my diet. I just had to have one.

Can I have one?

Yeah.

Mmm!

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I keep having this weird recurring dream that you and I just never left Detroit.

Stayed in Hamtramck and lived in one of these, like, lofty apartment things, and just like... running wild in the city, making our weird music, and theater stuff, and making out with lots of strange girls, and...

Heh.

Yeah, I mean, that would be very different.

We could go to that bar.

The one with the f*cking, um, the one that Trey and Jacques, they would go to where... Oh.

With the, um, the good jukebox.

Bronx.

The Bronx bar.

Bronx.

Can we go the Bronx bar and just, like, pretend, like...

Can we just be those dudes?

Dude, I mean, that's... That's like what I do. I do make-believe.

You're a make-believer.

I do advanced pretend.

Uh-huh.

It's what I do.

You do advanced pretend, That's what it is.

And you know what?

We're gonna need some clothes.

I was actually about to say that.

We definitely need jackets and some hats, because it's...

I ain't talking about that.

I'm talking about wardrobe.

Oh, okay.

New threads.

Okay.

You dig?

Christy: There you go.

Oh, that's right. Yeah.

Your name's Frank.

I don't know how people do it.

I just don't have the patience.

That was only, like, two hours, and I want to sh**t myself.

Seriously, that's the exact same reason why I will never ever have children.

What did you say?

I mean, I pretty much had to raise my brothers and sisters, so like, the kids, I've done my time.

You cannot pay me to have my own children.

Does Alex know that?

I mean, we haven't talked about it.

We're just kinda, like, having fun.

Why?

No, I was just saying, does he know you don't want to have kids?

What are you doing?

What?

There's no one around, we don't have to be polite, you can just be a bro and talk straight to me and let me know what your problem is.

What are you talking about?

You're really threatened and you're acting super immature, so you can just go ahead and say it. I don't have to be polite.

You just said you don't want kids, and I happen to know that that's the most important thing in his life, so.

I'm not an idiot, and I know that what's really important is that you're completely jealous of our relationship 'cause he rejected you.

(laughing)

Is that what you think?

That's what I figured out.

Is it? That's what you figured out? Let me explain something to you.

You don't know f*ck all about my relationship with Alex, okay?

You've been here for a f*cking hot minute, and that's probably about as long as you're gonna f*cking last.

I know that you were trying to get with him, and you're throwing all this kid sh*t at me, and whatever.

You're probably past the point where you'd have kids anyway, so what's the difference?

f*ck is that about? Are you kidding me?

(Frankie crying)

Why don't you pay attention to the baby?

Oh, you're out of your...

You know what, you are crazy. I'm in an adult relationship with an adult.

I can have a baby at any f*cking moment that I want to.

Great, you'd be perfect with one...

What are you still doing here?

I was here to help you with Frank because Alex told me how bad you are with kids.

That's why. Bye.

(crying continues)

All right, don't laugh.

I'm not.

'Cause I really like it.

Okay.

Last time I saw you, Clark, you remarked about how much you liked mine.

This is nice.

I feel good, I don't feel great.

Dude, these are beau...

European vacation, fanny pack.

Genius.

Um, dude...

The hunt is over.

(funk rock song playing)

♪ Blood sugar baby ♪
♪ She's magik ♪
♪ Sex magik, sex magik ♪
♪ Blood sugar baby ♪
♪ She's magik ♪
♪ Sex magik, sex magik ♪
♪ Blood sugar crazy ♪
♪ She has it ♪
♪ Sex magik, sex magik ♪

(rock song fades)

(mellow pop song playing over jukebox)

Is it a little more conservative in here than I remember?

Yeah.

I think it might just be the early crowd.

Right.

I'm gonna get us some drinks.

I'm gonna come with you.

Cool.

Cool.

Oh my God, sorry.

Hey.

Oh...

(yawning)

Are you okay?

I don't know how you do it.

What?

Live like this.

No wonder you went crazy.

Did you hear from the guys?

They went to Detroit.

Okay.

(whispering) Hi, my baby.

Okay, little one.

Okay, little one.

Hey you.

Got you, little one.

And that, my friend, is why they call you Big C.

Thanks so much for making it happen.

Yeah, we gotta get some of this Big C action in front of the camera, no more of this producing sh*t.

Haha. Okay.

O-M-effing-G.

If it's not Bert Pierson and Ernie Pappas right here on Sesame Street.

Is that Kennedy?

It's Kennedy, oh my God!

You guys look like desert!

What's up, girl?

That's adorable.

It's Kennedy!

Boys! Congrats on your nuptials. It's high time you made honest men of each other.

Yeah, we're honeymooning here.

That's so romantic.

Because of the climate.

Oh, my God.

It's tropical.

What's up, Mr. Pierson?

Oh, I'm sorry, is that Mr. Pappas now? Did you change it?

No, they're interchangeable.

No?

He's being really mysterious right now.

It's Kennedy!

Hi.

What are you boys doing? You want to go to a party? Anthony's having a party.

We were just heading to Anthony's party.

That's crazy.

That is crazy.

That's...

All right, you're my dates.

Are you ready for that?

Kennedy: All right, don't embarrass me. These are my friends.

You both look really handsome.

Alex: You look nice, too.

Kennedy: Let's get weird.

(loud music playing)

In. In.

What's up, Jay?

Hey.

Come on.

Alex: Is this what you're looking for, buddy?

Brett: Um, maybe?

Brett Pierson, Alex Pappas!

Jesus Christ Superstar!

I heard you landed a TV show?

Yeah, actually, it's a movie, but yeah, hey.

Man: What's up, Brett, long time, no see.

Hey, man. Yeah.

I don't know anything about professional football, but I know that the Lions are going to win the Super Bowl.

No.

You don't think it's going to happen.

Never.

Ever?

2032.

2032?!

2032?

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

No.

Yeah, at the earliest.

Hey, are you still playing hockey?

No, man, I stopped. I had to stop.

Oh, really, what happened?

High sticking accident.

♪ All of my life ♪
♪ Spent on you ♪
♪ Just to be by your side ♪
♪ But you never came ♪
♪ And you'd call my name ♪

How you doing?

♪ Just to disappear ♪

I'm good.

How are you?

I missed you. Where you been?

♪ What if no one comes? ♪

I think if I answer that...

♪ What if no one cares? ♪

Do you wanna be my partner?

What?

Ping-pong.

Um...

If we're gonna play Ping-pong, I, you know...

I should warn you.

Warn me?

I'm really f*cking good.

Match! Right!

Whoo!

Who's got next?

Who's got next? Who wants in?

You wanna play?

Play to 21.

All right, winner serves first.

Let's go.

Oh!

(applause)

All right, all right.

♪ It's been at least another year ♪
♪ And still I haven't got the chance to say ♪
♪ Always rolling off the tongue ♪
♪ Never said but nearly sung about a million ways ♪
♪ Every photograph and story trickled through the lengthy web of friends ♪
♪ I overthought but understood ♪
♪ Distant looks but looking good and not the other way ♪
♪ But you, you fail to remember ♪
♪ But you... ♪

You, come with me.

Okay.

Bye.

Brett?

Whose bike is this anyway?

It's your bike.

I don't...

This is not my... Did you...

(laughing)

Am I riding a hot bicycle?

You're smoking hot, dude.

What the hell is this?

What is going on?

(people talking)

(bike bells ringing)

Welcome home, Brett.

What is this?

(laughing)

Haha!

What is going on?!

You're Slow Rolling!

What am I doing?

You are Slow Rolling.

Is there, like, a thousand people behind me?

Yup.

We're going left!

All: Slow Roll!

(laughter)

You miss it?

Yeah.

Maybe a little bit.

Yeah.

I mean, some of this is really good art, but that's just pipes.

That's just f*cking pipes.

You go to the Home Depot and paint it red, and...

Ray, Ray.

What's up, Alex?

f*ck, man, just keep it down.

Yeah, buddy.

Dude, I got to pee like Shaquille O'Neal.

I've had to pee since we left.

Go, go, go! Brett!

Stop!

Go faster!

I'm going. Oh, f*ck.

(knocks)

Go. Go.

No, ladies first.

Stop it, you can't even walk. Just go.

All right, I'm going.

Hold my sh*t.

(urinating)

That's a wee bit loud.

(laughing)

You're a nerd.

It's your turn.

(urinating)

Is that too cold?

I'm sorry, did you say something?

I said are my hands too cold?

Oh... sh*t.

Oh, taking all my stuff.

Can I have it?

It's all gone.

Hey, Brett?

Hey.

Do you wanna f*ck me?

Yes.

(moaning)

I'm married.

Sorry.

Jan, I already talked directly to Big C about it, and he said it should be fine.

Like I said, my schedule unfortunately...

Come on, we gotta go. Alex, come.

Hold on one second.

Dude, I'm in the middle of a call. Can you give me a second?

Brett!

Get off, man!

Dude, what the f*ck?

What the f*ck you, man?

This whole f*cking trip, you've been on your phone with f*cking, your agent or Big C and some sh*t.

You're not even here for me when I need you!

I'm not here for you?

Who the f*ck is here for you?

I dropped everything and came to Detroit!

You know what's going on?

What?

For once in my life, I have something else happening for me, and you can't f*cking deal with it.

Oh, rea... That's what it is?

Yes, I mean, come on, man!

I was waiting at that party all night for you!

You just took off without me and left me there?

Well, how you think it makes me feel when I f*cking try to get in touch with you in New Orleans, you don't pick up the f*cking phone?

Man, I told you, my phone was broken.

And you lied.

You f*cking ignored me, and it hurts, okay?

You know what I would rather hear?

I was having fun getting laid with this hot girl.

I was having fun getting my ego stroked, Check.

And having a great time over there.

Check. Check.

And you know what? I didn't wanna f*cking deal with my anxious, nervous friend for a little bit.

Okay. That's actually what happened.

That's fine, okay?

I'm glad you're successful.

Are you?

Yes, I'm glad!

But I'm f*cking freaking out a little bit.

I'm f*cking panicked, okay?

And I need you around me, and I'm sorry if it makes me sound so needy, but it's just what I need.

And the f*cking, my marriage is falling apart, and there's a f*cking situation in the bathroom up there, and it was not good, dude.

Wha... What happened in the bathroom?

Dude, it was not good, and I don't want to talk about it right now.

Don't laugh.

All right.

Come here, man.

Eh... f*ck.

I'm really... I really am happy for you, man.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't take your calls in New Orleans.

I don't know why I do that sh*t.

Why are we here?

I don't know.

Guess I thought we'd maybe get back to our roots, figure some sh*t out.

I just remembered something.

Alex: My memory is we buried it in the backyard.

No, no, we talked about that, but we were worried 'cause my parent's bedroom faces the backyard.

So, I think we ended up doing it under the front walkway.

Why would we bury it under a bunch of bricks?

Because it was gravel then, and we thought they wouldn't notice that we'd actually dug a hole.

How do you remember this sh*t?

I remember everything.

Unfortunately.

You got anything?

Uh-uh.

You got anything?

Nothing.

Oh, sh*t.

Hey, Mister P.

Hey, Dad.

Morning, boys.

We're gonna... fix all this.

Sorry about the...

Okay.

Look...

Truth is Alex is having a really hard time right now.

There's a lot going on with him, and he's been really vulnerable and...

He... He wanted to come here because we buried, um, like a time capsule here, and he feels like he needs to see it.

And there's some stuff in there that might help him out.

You gonna do this, do it right.

Pickax and a spade are more effective than a flat shovel for digging sideways.

There's one of each in the shed behind the garage.

Uh, all right. Thanks.

Dude, give me a sec.

Where you going?

Dude!

What?

It's here!

No, what?

It was in the backyard the whole time?

Dude, shut the F up.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Oh, my God.

(laughing)

Come on, let me see.

Oh...

(both laughing)

sh*t.

Oh my God, is this a Phish bootleg?

Look at these titles. There are so many exclamation points!

So much pump.

Oh, my God.

It's little doobage.

We milked this for, like, two years.

You're not... Don't smoke that, it's not healthy.

All right, I'm not. That's not happening.

Oh my God, it's just boobs.

Whoa.

What is happening here?

Oh, God.

There are no faces in here. It's just...

Like, it's just parts.

It's like the zodiac k*ller made these.

Here, enjoy this.

Uh-huh.

Oh my God, no way!

Holy sh*t.

"It's Dune, the Puppet Show."

Let me see, let me see.

We worked so f*cking hard on this thing.

Look at your artwork, your concept art.

Dude, my drawings, look at your puppet stuff.

It's like, way advanced.

Look at the detail, the watercolor.

Wow. That's some Stanley Kubrick sh*t right there.

DTPS, there it is.

Why didn't we do this?

I don't know, 'cause we were young and stupid, I guess.

I don't know.

Um...

Hold on, dude.

This is it. The letter.

This is why we're here.

Oh, my God.

"From Pappas and Pierson to Pappas and Pierson."

Wow.

I'm, like, scared to read it.

(giggling)

Yeah. f*ck.

Here, hold this.

"Dear Pappas and Pierson, we the younger version of yourselves have traveled through space and time to remind you of who you really are."

We were cocky little f*ckers, huh?

"You are not just your jobs. You are not just husbands or fathers. Your lives and your futures are your own."

I'm gonna start freaking out.

Hold on.

It's okay. You got it.

"They are what you make of them, don't be lulled into a mediocrity like everyone else. Remember our vow to stay true to the spirit of life. For within a man..."

f*ck.

"For within a man there is light, and if he lets that light shine, he lights up the entire world, and if he doesn't, he lives in total darkness."

Yeah.

(phone chimes)