02x06 - Geri-ina

[bunniefuu]

Brett: Yeah, I had a really good time too, Natalie.

Yeah, um...

You...

You do want to see me again?

I...

Well, how bad do you want it, Natalie?

'Cause... if you want it, you're just gonna have to come and get it, baby.

(door opens)

(Alex scatting)

Oh!

Oh!

Lookin' good, dawg!

(laughs)

You okay?

Something happened.

Look, and to be clear, it was a total accident.

She was like, "Come into my bedroom."

And I was like, "Well, of course I'm not gonna go into your bedroom."

And so, as I was walking down the hall, I kept saying that.

But I went in, and I woke up feeling incredibly guilty, and... and that was there.

And then, I was like...

Hold on a second.

You... had an incredible evening with this girl...

Who is amazing, by the way... and you guys were just light and fun, and it was natural, and you were joking, and kissing, and making out.

And... and the... And the new body parts were all over the place, and we were exploring, and I was, like, 14, and it was just... so incredible, and I had so much fun, and I would never tell this to anybody else 'cause... but, like... it's kind of f*cking me up.

At some point, do you think you guys are gonna talk so I can stop being the translator?

I've been trying so hard to talk to him, but you know.

He's... he's just still so angry.

Yeah.

Of course he is.

'Cause look... look at his life right now.

He only has the kids half the time, he's, like, dorming with his best friend, doing his "Dune" puppet show, whatever that f*cking thing is.

He's, like, in heaven.

It's the hall pass to end all hall passes.

I'd stay angry too if I were him.

This is f*cking bullshit!

Okay?

What? What is?

Do you know what it's called when you get pregnant after 35?

A geriatric pregnancy.

And I'm not kidding.

So, I have a geriatric vag*na?

Geri-ina?

(laughs)

Apparently, I don't have any eggs left!

You don't know...

The ones I have left are all like... (groans)

Well, you-

(in decrepit voice) Sonny boy, come over here!

Okay.

Don't do that outside of this sofa.

I know that I don't have the best history in terms of, you know, my taste in men, but I am finally ready.

I'm ready to find someone who's kind and who just wants to have kids and have a nice life.

I know, I know.

Like him.

Oh!

(both laugh)

Ha!

It's enough to make me jump off a bridge.

But you do know that this is not the place you should be looking.

What's the alternative?

I...

(phone rings)

What do you suggest?

Hey, Tracy.

I mean, really? This is the picture he chose?

This is the picture Today? Right now? you chose to send in? Nope.

I'll be there in a minute, yeah.

(sighs)

What happened?

Ugh. It's so weird.

What?

No, there's just a charter school meeting at Bon Vivant.

Did you forget?

No, I... I didn't set it up.

Anna: Guys, this was so great.

Thank you all so much.

We are really getting sh*t done.

I am so excited.

Michelle! Hi!

How are you, sweetheart?

Hey, Anna. Um...

Where have you been?

What?

Oh, I mean, the meeting started at 8:00.

What meeting is this?

The meeting about the big fundraiser and...

I e-mailed you about it on Tuesday.

No, I didn't get an e-mail.

What?

Excuse me.

Oh.

You're, like, 12.

Anna: I'm sure it went to your Spam with all the recipients.

But you really didn't miss anything. You know, we just...

We talked about the fundraiser, which I'm gonna host at my house.

I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out, but you know what?

I can fill you in later.

I am off to Pilates, okay?

Oh.

Uh... Mm!

Oh, my gosh!

Do you just bathe in coconut oil?

You're like velvet.

Call you.

That's your new friend?

Yeah.

I sure don't like her.

Why are you being so cagey?

I'm not being cagey.

Well, you're, like, not telling me where we're going.

You're not answering any of my questions.

I just feel... And you're grabbing onto my arm. I don't know what you're...

Okay.

You know how I said we needed some help with "Dune"?

Yes, I know we discussed this.

Well, I... I think we found our guy.

Well, I think I still wanna try to do this on our own, so it's a discussion.

I... I know, but we're overwhelmed and we need help if we're ever gonna get this show on its feet.

Why are you talking to me like a Look... four-year-old right now ?

It's just...

Will you promise me you'll have an open mind?

Yes, Daddy. I'll have an open mind.

Because people can change.

You know that, right?

Alex, yes. I know...

What?

Oh, f*ck. Are you...

No.

People do not change that much.

That is not possible.

Brett, he's in AA now.

He was an alcoholic then.

So what?

We're, like, his amends or something?

I don't want to be a project for...

Well, he knows he treated you like sh*t, so technically, you are a part of his amends, but he just happens to be a huge "Dune" fan, and he's great with visuals, man.

So, this is win-win.

♪
♪ She said I left her, baby ♪
♪ Tell her that I love her ♪
♪ It's a million in one ♪
♪ On this squeeze of so much ♪
♪ Said I am crying ♪
♪ I am weeping ♪
♪ 'Cause my baby has gone ♪
♪ My baby is gone ♪

Okay, I... I look a little bit different than my profile pic.

Yeah.

Yeah. (chuckles)

Or a lot different.

Uh, yeah.

Okay, I get it. Um, believe it or not, some people in our society are really focused on looks.

So, you know, I chose an image that wasn't so, you know, specific.

But it's... I'm...

Is it actually you?

Yes, it's me.

It's just some people, if they knew exactly what I looked like, they wouldn't even show up, so adjustments... need to be made.

You basically lie?

It's not lie. It's... Photoshop.

I mean, okay.

So you like to travel?

I...

You're assuming that...

I wanna date somebody who starts off the relationship with a lie.

Where was your picture taken?

What?

Your profile pic. Where was that one taken?

I was at a Coldplay concert.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah? Which tour?

Um, I think it was Parachutes.

Parachutes.

2001.

Mm-hmm.

Mmhmm.

What's it now?

Okay. No, no.

I look like my picture.

I chose a picture...

Yeah...

That actually resembles But- what I look like.

Resembles is the... is the Yeah, there's... perfect word for that.

I'm sorry.

I just... Clearly this is...

Okay. All right.

Look, I guess we're done here.

Thanks for meeting me.

Yeah.

But look, just let me give you a piece of advice.

You're obviously new to this.

It is f*cking brutal out here.

I mean, everyone's miserable.

Everyone is terrified and everyone's a little bit Photoshopped, and if you bring the kind of judgment into this that you've been throwing my way tonight, man, you're entering a world of pain.

Who the f*ck do you think you are talking to me like that?

(sighs)

Let me break it down for you.

You're a nerd, okay?

That's the bottom line.

And frankly, you are not good-looking enough to be this much of a d*ck.

And you are not hot enough anymore... to be this much of a bitch.

Alex: Ah, I see.

(buzzing)

(whirring)

I see this moon that holds the answers.

But what?

In my dreams, they call me by a new name, but I do not know why.

Listen... inside.

The spice is everywhere.

(buzzing)

(whirring)

Oh, okay. Okay.

Just out of curiosity, how much of this monologue are you guys planning to include in the... In the final piece?

Um... uh, all of it.

Yeah, I mean, there's an act break right after it, so I feel like it's...

How many acts?

Both: Five.

Okay.

I-yi-yi-yi-yi yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi...

It's gonna be too long.

Oh. Well, part of the point of this is to play it out real time.

We're like a tone poem as opposed to sort of caving to the frenetic MTV pacing...

Brad. Brad...

And it needs focus!

But I love it.

You do?

It's f*cking great.

Yeah?

Yes!

It is so DIY and unique.

Cool. Yeah. Ha!

Uh... sand.

Sand?

We're gonna need a whole bunch of sand.

I don't love sand.

Dudley: We're gonna get a huge space, and we're gonna fill the fucker with sand!

And then, the sandworms will come out and they will sail through the space!

Alex, what if we truncated the monologue? Okay?

And just when you're about to start, it all of a sudden comes to a stop because there's a sandworm that comes in and att*cks.

All right?

And then out of the blue, there's a huge f*cking lighting shift!

(lights click off)

Uh... what... I mean, how are we gonna see?

Dudley: Plug those in right there. Plug those in.

Dude...

Alex: These ones?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah!

Brett: That's for... that's for later when... in, like, the third act though. It's...

It's okay, it's okay.

Okay, Brett. Give me a drumbeat.

O... okay.

(drumming)

Dudley: That's right.

Keep it coming. Keep it coming.

And, Paul...

Yeah?

What are you gonna do when the sandworm att*cks, man?!

(drum b*ating)

You gonna give me that mind control?

Yeah!

You're gonna give me that mind control?!

Uh-huh.

Now get rid of the puppet.

I can't get rid of the puppet.

Come on, Alex. You are the star, man, not that f*cking puppet!

No. The puppet's an extension of me.

Get rid of the puppet, man!

I think you should get rid of the puppet, Alex. Just do it.

(buzzing)

(whirring)

(inhales deeply)

Yeah. Do it.

Give me those eyes.

Yeah!

Okay, Pappas! I warned you about charging your buddy's car and about this loud, weirdo sh*t going on in here!

Now you're out!

What did he just say?

(party music plays)

It's like a f*ckin' airport.

All right, let me look at you.

Okay.

Let's break out the big g*ns.

Oh, Tina. No.

Yeah.

I don't wanna look, like... chesty.

You need to prove to everybody that you are a leader and you can get this done.

Th... this way?

Yes.

Well, you know, I'm not in competition with Anna.

Yeah, but she's in competition with you.

Michelle!

Hi, beautiful.

Wow.

You look so beautiful.

Oh, hi.

Oh, this is my sister, Tina.

Tina. Hi.

Oh, my goodness. Hello. Muah!

Oh!

So good to see you.

You too.

Anna: So it's all happening. Look at all the people.

It's great.

Michelle: Yeah.

There's so many. Um... who are all these people?

Oh, it's a lot of Ben's friends from work, some of my friends, a lot of Westside money. It's really great.

I think even if we get a handful of them, we're, like, halfway to our goal.

It's gonna be amazing.

So, you guys come on in. Make yourselves at home.

I'm gonna go do my thing.

Tina, it's so nice to meet you.

You too!

Oh, God.

What the f*ck is that, a wedding dress?

Looks like it.

Okay, this is a charter school party.

I know.

This is, like, so rich.

You want a drink?

Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

Meet you back here.

Anna: Oh, boy. Do you just bathe in coconut oil?

Your skin is like velvet.

Mm! Good to see you, honey.

Guys, you made it.

I can't believe it.

(phone vibrates)

Hello?

What up, Big C?

(chuckles)

Yeah, man.

So, uh, what's on your mind?

Big C: How do you feel about a million dollars?

Are you kidding me?

I never kid about money, bitch!

Jesus Christ! You're on the show, m*therf*cker!

Offer just went to your agent.

Go buy a car, go buy a f*ckin' boat, sink the boat, buy a new boat!

Let's do it! Pappas!

(gasps)

(door opens)

What's going on?

Oh, it's just work stuff.

You know, you can tell me about work. You don't have to, like... hide and be ashamed.

I'm not ashamed.

Well, you, like, never take the calls in front of me.

Like, somebody calls and you, like, run down the hall or something.

It just feels...

Okay.

Um, that was, um, Big C.

He offered me a full-time job on the show... for two years... for huge money.

I... I don't know what I'm gonna do about it, so...

Whoa.

Right. And it's that look that you're giving me right now... which is the reason why I can't tell you this stuff 'cause if for one second I entertain doing anything other than being in our little playpen of "Dune," you look at me like I'm a sell-out, man!

Dude, that... That's on you, okay?

Honestly, if you want to f*ckin' be a Russian vampire, like, go be a Russian vampire.

It's a somnambulist.

Well, if you want to waste your time and your life playing that sh*t, then fine.

I'm not trying to waste my time, man.

What are you talking about?

Just because you for the moment have taken a vacation in fairy land from your life and, you know, you're living inside of Frank Herbert's imagination, and you hooked up with a random girl from Uber, like, I'm not doing it wrong just because I'm not right there with you, you know?

So...

Uh...

Yeah...

No. Okay, okay. Uh...

Tina: They're all married.

It's f*ckin' hopeless.

Might as well get a sperm donor right now.

Might get some money for the school.

Oh, we're all set.

Of course.

We're good. We're gonna be fine.

Yeah.

I need to find that e-mail.

What e-mail?

Yeah.

Can you create a distraction?

What?

I just...

I need to get up those stairs without anyone seeing me.

Please? You're good at, like, getting people's attention.

Can you just, like, do a thing?

You want me to do a thing?

Yeah.

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Over here, everyone!

I'd just like to make a toast to our beautiful hostess, Anna.

Anna, this party is off the hook.

We are all so grateful.

And everybody over here, let's just take one minute to look over here.

Attention over here so we can celebrate this wonderful woman.

This is the kind of woman who comes in and takes charge... whether you want her to or not, and that is what we need for our schools, right, everybody?

And I don't know about you, but I am so inspired tonight, and in fact, I am gonna sing a song about it... because... that's how inspired I am.

So... here it goes.

♪ I'm gonna make a change ♪
♪ For once in my life ♪
♪ It's gonna feel real good ♪
♪ It's gonna make a difference ♪
♪ It's gonna make it right ♪

(laughs)

(mumbles)

♪ And the wind that blows ♪

Mich?

What the f*ck are you doing?

(whispers)

Oh, my God!

You almost gave me a heart att*ck.

Why are you on the floor?

Come help me look up this e-mail.

Okay...

Oh, I got it. I got it.

Michelle: Oh, my God.

This bitch. f*cking c**t.

This bitch deliberately left me off.

She did.

♪ Feel so good ♪

Hi there.

I hear that you called for an UberX-tremely sexy!

Um, hey, Brett.

You, um...

You can't just, like, show up at my house like this.

Oh, sh*t.

Um... f*ck. I'm sorry. I...

I'm sorry. It's just that, um, you know, I'm, like, I'm an independent woman...

Right, I get it. I get it.

And I could have... any number of things going on in my apartment.

Are you f*cking with me right now?

Yes!

What the... I thought you were boning I'm f*cking with you. dudes in here! What's... Jesus!

Get in here please!

Ki-ya!

(laughs)

Sorry. That just... I don't know why I did that.

You know what? I brought you a gift.

Oh?

It's an "I'm sorry" gift for karate chopping you.

Well, you're... thinking ahead.

This is what I... this is what...

I like that.

I knew I was gonna do something stupid when I got here, so I was like, "I'm gonna bring you a gift."

Foresight.

Mm-hmm.

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

Did you make me a... A Just the Rain shirt?

I will say it's one of a kind.

This is beautiful.

This one's for me.

Oh...

Yeah.

Look at him!

Sometimes you gotta break up with the band if you want to be free.

Yes.

If you want to fly.

Yes.

But I feel like to make it complete, we have to try them on though.

Um, I'm interested in seeing that shirt on you for sure.

Well, um... I'm not wearing a bra currently.

Hm.

I'm in if you're in.

Anna: It was a total nightmare.

All day long he wouldn't eat his dinner.

He's, like, throwing potatoes at me.

And at, like, 9:30 at night, He's asleep with a crown on his head.

Oh, that is so precious.

Excuse me.

Hey! Hey!

Can I please talk to you for a minute?

Of course, yeah. What's going on?

Uh, can it be alone?

Anna: You know what? I will find you ladies later.

Have so much fun, okay?

What's going on, Michelle?

What are you doing?

Throwing an awesome party. What are you doing?

Why are you trying to push me out?

What are you talking about, Michelle?

Anna, you have been calling meetings without me.

No, I haven't.

Yes, you have.

No.

Stop lying!

What?

Stop lying.

Stop lying.

You've been calling meetings without me.

No, I haven't.

I know that you have.

What?

I... I looked at your e-mail account, okay?

So, I know that you have.

I'm sorry?

You...

I... Tracy told me.

So, I looked at your computer.

Anna, I am... really grateful for all the help that you've given me, but please know that I have built the school from the ground up.

I have put my whole heart into this, and this crazy fundraiser with super-rich people is just not what I want to be doing!

Are you done?

Uh, yes.

Because from where I stand, Michelle, you don't seem to be doing anything.

Without me, none of this would be happening.

So, yeah, Michelle, I'm taking a little bit of initiative, and I would like a f*cking thank you for saving your ass!

This is my school.

It's my project, okay? You don't get to just come in and take it.

Are you kidding me?

Without me, you don't have a f*cking school, and these rich people, these are the people who by the end of the night will have our entire school funded, and right now, you are getting in the way, and that is why I don't invite you to meetings.

I think you are completely ineffective, I think you're crazy incomp...

No!

Yeah!

Ha!

Oh, my...

(Tina cackles)

♪ I thought I'd learn ♪
♪ From my mistakes ♪
♪ I thought he'd learn ♪
♪ From my mistakes ♪
♪ I thought you'd give me ♪
♪ The right advice ♪
♪ I thought he'd let me in ♪
♪ For one last time ♪
♪ The planks rattle around ♪
♪ Like an old-timey movie ♪
♪ In tube-top and shorts ♪
♪ That Vice called "pull-me-down" ♪
♪ And he's ignoring me ♪
♪ Like it's 2001 ♪
♪ Why keep time traveling ♪
♪ If it doesn't get better ♪
♪ On the second time around? ♪
♪ Why keep time traveling ♪
♪ If it doesn't get better ♪
♪ On the second time around? ♪
♪ I thought I'd learn ♪
♪ From my mistakes ♪
♪ I thought he'd learn ♪
♪ From my mistakes ♪
♪ I thought you'd give me ♪
♪ The right advice ♪
♪ I thought he'd let me in ♪
♪ For one last time ♪

(Soft piano notes)

♪

(Light instrumental music)

♪

(Music fades)