04x06 - Open Mic

[bunniefuu]

Roland: Hey Ronnie, I need the combination to the safe.

It's your safe.

You have the combination.

Okay, then I need the number of a locksmith.

I used a guy this weekend.

Yeah, Gwen locked me out.

(Laughs)

By accident.

Roland, why do you need the safe?

I've just been to the baby doctor, and I have some top secret information about whether it's a boy or a girl.

Joce and I wanna keep it a surprise.

Your wife's pregnant in her 40's.

How many surprises do you need?

Uh, it's kind of a Schitt family tradition there, Ronnie.

Okay, I guess I just gotta cr*ck this myself.

It's either my birthday, or Gloria Estefan's.

- Mucho Dias, mes amis.

- Morning!

Anyway, moral of the story, I got a new keychain, and I keep a sleeping bag in the car.

(Laughs)

Okay, turns out it's Gloria's, September 1, 57.

Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?

(Roland gasps)

- I can't believe you opened that!

- It was on my desk.

That's the sonogram of our baby!

I've been tryin' not to look at it.

We don't wanna know what we're having.

Roland, you couldn't possibly discern oh no, it tells you here at the bottom.

- Don't say a word.

- That's not fair!

Roland, why should I be the only one encumbered with this emotional cargo?

Oh, Ronnie, Ronnie, might you and I confabulate for a moment in the back room?

No, Moira, I'm not falling for that one.

No, I assure you.

I assure you it's a salacious bit of Council-related news.

Oh.

(Footsteps clank)

Robert?

Thank you.

(Jazz music plays)

(Footsteps shuffle, floorboards creek)

(Deep inhale, slow exhale)

Okay, I'm gonna say it, we've been open for 3 hours now, and not a single customer's walked through that door.

Well, I mean, I heard that there was a storm warning - for today, so.

- Oh.

How do you explain yesterday?

Maybe the storm warning was for yesterday.

So then how do you explain today?

Okay, I don't have all the answers.

Um, have we checked to see if the door is unlocked?

I think that we need to be a little more proactive about this.

We can't just wait for people to come in.

We have to find better ways to engage with the community.

Or, hey, just like a way.

Just one way to engage with the community.

Well, there's someone that is going to the café.

You know why people are always in the café?

Because they feel at home there, it feels like comfortable.

Okay, are you saying that I don't make people feel at home?

Um Okay.

You remember our opening day here?

Yes!

It was opening day, and there was booze.

- And people are drunks.

- Yes but they still showed up.

We need to do something to make this store feel a little bit more accessible, - a little bit more inclusive.

- (David sighs)

Okay.

Well, I am open to suggestions.

What if we hosted an open mic night?

I am open to suggestions.

I actually used to host one in high school.

There was a little café around the corner from my house, it had a little stage in the back.

Drew a pretty big crowd.

Okay.

So there was a point at which you, and some of your fellow amateur singer songwriters would gather and perform poetry and songs?

- Yeah.

- For one another?

- Mhm.

That's right.

- Oh god.

The occasional improve troupe would stop by.

I'm um I'm feeling kind of ill.

David, you can laugh now, but an open mic night can be a surprising amount of fun.

Worst case scenario, we get some people in the store.

Okay, no, worst case scenario, I watch improv.

(Alexis clears throat)

Okay, so first of all, I would like to thank you both for meeting with me today.

Was this really necessary?

That's a good question, and the answer is, yes.

Um, I'm just gonna say it.

This place needs a tonne of work, like top to tail.

We're talking serious, but manageable, fixes.

I think what you mean to say is proposed improvements?

No, I mean like full-blown things that need fixing.

Oh.

Um, the comment cards, for example, It's become very clear to me that you don't read them.

They're just a placebo effect for people who feel the need to complain.

Uh, you have to take those with a grain of salt, honey.

Those cards are written by embittered people with way too much time on their hands.

A lot of these are from Mom.

Um, but some of them are from people who are trying to point out things like, you don't even have a website.

- We have a website.

- No.

I looked it up, and it's just like a cartoon of a construction worker holding a sign that says "we'll be right back".

So.

It's under construction.

And the phone booking system works just fine.

Um, actually the phone booking system is confusing, and the woman's voice was aggressive and off-putting.

- I had strep at the time.

- Okay.

I'm gonna offer you both a PR and marketing strategy, pro Bono.

And if you're into it, we'll pull the trigger, we'll work on my contract and my salary, and then we'll get things going from there.

Well, now's not the time to take our foot off the gas, Stevie, and if we have a publicist at our disposal.

Would we call her a publicist?

Um, I actually prefer to be called - a freelance brand invigorator.

- Stevie: Hmm.

And I also have a super easy multi-step plan in place for the motel.

That sounds intense.

Um, maybe we should take a minute and think about this.

Well, I don't think there's any harm in exploring Step 1 of the plan.

That's great, because Step 1 of the plan was this presentation, and we nailed it.

So, as your new VP of Marketing and Communications, I'd say we're off to a great start.

Yeah.

I'll pass.

(Car engine roars)

(Door chime rings)

(Customers chatter, low music plays)

Don't worry, Moira, I'm not gonna ask you whether I'm having a boy or a girl.

Wonderful.

Roland told me what happened today, I just feel terrible that you are in this sticky situation.

Don't worry, I've propelled it to the back of my brain.

You must think that this is silly, but keeping the gender of the baby a secret is a bit of a tradition in Roland's family.

I believe he said so, yes.

It goes way back.

Way, way back.

Salem, Massachusetts, actually.

Yeah, his great-great-great great-grandmother accurately guessed the sex of her daughter's baby, and then was put on trial for witchcraft, - so, you would see why.

- Toil and trouble.

Roland never should've left that envelope on your desk.

And now look at you, burdened with this secret.

I mean, you must just wanna shout out "it's a boy!" Or, "it's a girl!"

- Is it a girl?

- Valiant attempt, Jocelyn.

I was just testing you.

I mean, I wouldn't wanna break the Schitt family tradition.

Stupid witch!

(Cries)

Oh Jocelyn, look at yourself.

I know.

I'm embarrassed by my behaviour.

And you are being so strong, Moira.

I can't imagine just holding all that information, keeping it to yourself.

Veronica!

(Door chime rings)

She just have forgotten her handbag.

I'm sorry, you were talking about something?

(Door creeks)

Someone took a long coffee break.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss the evening rush?

Uh, yes, one customer came in, who was asking for directions.

Well, I have good news.

I got us a permit for tomorrow night, and Ronnie says that we can get around the liquor license if we just charge people cover at the door, so.

What's the permit for?

The open mic night.

Oh!

So we're moving forward with the open mic night, then.

Yeah!

We're moving forward with it.

People are pretty excited about it, too.

Did you know Bob does b*at poetry in his spare time?

No.

Oh god.

Um what's that-what's that?

This is called an acoustic guitar.

Right.

Okay, when we were talking about the open mic night, I thought that you would be hosting it, not performing at it.

Well, traditionally the host plays at least one song, so.

Right.

Okay.

So then you will be playing your acoustic guitar in front of people then, in public.

- And singing a song.

- And singing a song.

I was thinking about singing an original song.

- An original song?

- But then I thought you know, it's probably best just to stick with a classic.

Yeah.

Classic.

So I'm sensing some apprehension.

No, I think it's, you know, it's it's not scary or embarrassing for the person you're dating to sing at you with an acoustic guitar in front of people.

I think that's cool.

David, you're gonna be fine.

It's just a way to get some people in the store, okay?

Yeah.

Yes, for sure.

I mean, if you are, confident, to put yourself and our relationship at risk like that, then I am 87% behind you.

Good to know.

So now the only question is, - do I wear my fringed vest?

- Okay.

Or more importantly, do I wear anything under it?

Okay.

(Strums guitar)

(Camera clicks)

(Camera clicks)

Okay, hi, hi.

This image is gonna be used as the key art for the new website, so it has to be like, on message.

Yes, uh, Stevie, Mr.

Rose, the motivation here is two small-town friends welcoming guests to their humble motel.

Oh.

Should I be holding a key?

No, Mr.

Rose, unless you wanna look really, really corny.

Yeah, like really, really cheesy, and off-brand.

All right, no key.

No key.

Just look at the camera like uh, it's a guest.

If the camera was your guest, how would you greet her?

I don't know.

Um, welcome to the Schitt's Creek Motel.

I'm Johnny Rose.

Um, yes, but no, don't use your mouth.

Uh, um, talk to the guests with your face.

Smile with your eyes.

What the f*ck does that mean?

Okay, Johnny, what are we doing with our hands?

Alexis, I don't love you calling me Johnny.

- Okay, are we done here?

- Okay, it's probably my fault, but I don't think I've gotten a good photo yet.

Yeah, something about this is just not working for me.

Um, like can you (whispers)

Okay, um, Mr.

Rose, would you mind taking one step to your left?

Okay now, three more steps to your left.

So Stevie, one other angle that I'm playing is focusing just on you.

You're the hook.

Pretty country girl who doesn't care about big city things like dressing well, or how she looks.

We could rename the motel like, Stevie's Place.

Stevie's Place sounds like a shelter for battered men.

Okay, well the name was just a jumping off point.

Um, we could use your last name, and call it the Budd Inn.

And now that I'm saying that out loud, obviously we're not gonna do that.

But I do wanna focus on you.

Is this a team meeting, 'cause I'm part of the team.

Uh, no we're good, we're gonna focus on a solo sh*t.

Solo?

Don't take it personally, Mr.

Rose, it's probably because you didn't know what to do with your hands.

Or maybe it's because your face looked like it tasted something sour.

Or maybe Thank you, Ray, I get it.

Okay, actually, I'm really not good with this.

Okay, Stevie, you need more confidence, - because this is all you.

- (Camera clicks)

(Camera clicks)

Like literally anything.

(Camera clicks)

Okay, I'm gonna need a minute.

We didn't budget for that, but sure.

(Door closes)

Attention everyone, after much, much discussion, and a brief seance, Roland and I have decided We wanna know the sex of our baby, Moira!

Oh boy.

Uh, could we hold off until I get Gwen on the phone?

Are we really still talking about this?

Ronnie, you don't have to stick around - if you don't want to.

- No, no I'm in it now.

Well, I'm not so sure I am.

Knowing everything your great grandmother went through, I would no, I will not be held accountable for invoking a coven.

Uh, Gwen has stopped her Pilates tape for this, so uh, can we get a move on here?

Very well, then.

It's a girl.

(Cheering)

(In unison)

Tammy!

- Or a boy.

- Huh?

- Perhaps it's a boy.

- Wait, which one is it?

All of a sudden, expected attention has me doubting what I saw.

I barely glanced at that paper.

(Roland sighs)

No.

No, I very clearly remember, an M and an F, just can't recall which one was circled.

- Well, could you try?

- It's your fault!

You told me to keep it a secret, and that's exactly what I did, even from myself.

Okay, well nobody panic.

Where did you put the sonogram?

In the safe.

And I wrote down the new combination on a sticky note.

Perfect, so where's the sticky note?

Well, the sticky note, I believe, is also in the safe.

Well that, I will admit, is my blunder.

Gwen, you still there?

Hello?

I'm goin' home.

(Robert hangs up phone)

(Door opens and shuts)

Hey, so no presh, but the hot 10 I've given you has turned into a very hot 20.

Yeah, I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.

Okay, um, babe, I get it.

You're probably thinking like, oh, is my foundation off by a shade?

Am I wearing the wrong top?

And the bottom line is, maybe.

- But you know what?

- (Door opens)

So, I'm playing around with Ray, we took some sh*ts with my hands outta my pockets, and he thinks with a little Photoshopping, they may turn out okay.

- Everything good here?

- Um, Stevie has cold feet.

Okay, Stevie, I know this is a little overwhelming, but if you wanna grow the business, you gotta play the game.

Maybe I don't wanna play the game.

Maybe I don't wanna grow the business.

Okay, Stevie, as VP, and CEO of In-House publicity, growing the business is generally considered to be a good thing.

Right, but the more we grow the business, the more money we make.

And the more money we make, the more likely you are to take off, and then I will be left here stuck with way more responsibility than I ever asked for.

What would make you think I would walk away from this business?

Aside from the fact that your wife - talks about leaving every day?

- Okay, sorry to jump in again, but this conversation seems like something we should have had before the photo sh**t.

Stevie, whatever decisions we make, we make them together.

Nobody's gonna leave you behind.

Can I get that in writing?

Yeah.

We can do that.

Okay, this is cute.

This is cute.

Ray should be seeing this.

Ray!

You should be seeing this.

- Johnny's looking half-normal.

- (Slams door)

(Jazz music plays)

(Low hum of patron chatter)

- Hi.

- You see?

You see what I told you?

This is all it took to get people out on a work night.

Yup, a lot of people are shopping and drinking.

I don't even know if we need to do the open mic part.

Oh, we need the open mic part.

- Do we?

- Yeah.

Okay.

(Sighs)

Hey, I think we're going to uh, get things started here.

- (Cheering)

- How's everybody doin'?

- (Cheering)

- Awesome.

Thanks so much for coming to uh, what I hope will be the first of many open mic nights here at the Rose Apothecary.

Um, David and I are so excited you could all come.

I see everybody's loaded up on drink tickets.

Oh yeah.

That's good news.

I'm going to uh, I guess I'm gonna get the party started, right after I tune up this little baby.

Oh dear, you're awfully brave allowing your beau to indulge himself like this.

Okay, this was not my idea.

All right, um I would like to dedicate this song to a very special someone in my life.

David Rose.

- Okay.

There he is, right there.

That's him.

Can't miss him.

You'll let me know if I should pull the fire alarm?

Yes.

(Patrick plays guitar)

(Playing "Simply the Best" by Tina turner)

I call you when I need you, my heart's on fire You come to me wild and wired You come to me And give me everything I need Give me a life time of promises And a world of dreams Speak the language of love like you know what it means And it can't be wrong Take my heart and make it strong, babe 'Cause you're simply the best Better than all the rest Better than anyone Anyone I've met And I'm stuck on your heart I hang on every word you say Tear us apart Baby, I'd rather be dead In your heart I see The start of every night and every day - Moira?

- (Moira gasps)

Oh, you two, I told you I don't know.

But we do.

We called the doctor.

You did?

Lovely.

Don't you wanna know what it is?

I'll give you three guesses.

Moira, we're having a boy.

A boy, I believe I told you that.

How wonderful!

My boy right now is being serenaded by his butter-voiced beau.

In your heart I see The start of every night and every day In your eyes I get lost, I get washed away Just as long as I'm here in your arms I can be in no better place You're simply the best Better than all the rest Better than anyone Anyone I've met Oh, you're the best (Strum final cords)

(Applause and cheering)

Thank you.

Thank you!

(Applause)

(Crickets chirp)

Okay, I'm so excited for you to see this.

This would've been much more of a surprise, if I hadn't heard the construction all morning.

Okay, Stevie, you can take the blindfold off.

In 10 9 Okay, just take the blindfold off.

See Stevie, we're both up there, now.

Why isn't it just Rose Motel?

The Rosebud makes it a sad stunted thing.

Okay, it's just that Budd is Stevie's last name.

Oh, oh that's nice then.

Yeah, except it's Budd, with two d's, but Okay, well that would just look insane.

Also, I didn't know that.

Can we have breakfast now?

Yeah, let's celebrate.

Come on!

Oh, um, not to brag, but this re-brand got me 77% on my final marketing exam.

Okay, have you ever gotten an A?

Enough, David.

(Birds chirp)