01x05 - Sizzurp

[bunniefuu]

(trio chanting backwards)

(wind whistling)

He's late.

It's fine. We'll wait.

(hip-hop music playing, g*nf*re in song)

♪ AKA g*nsh*t... ♪

(siren blaring)

♪ Dead man love me... ♪

(tires screech)

♪ My life ain't been easy... ♪

Hey, yo, man, keep it running.

I'm-a pop in real quick, and then, we'll hit up the titty club.

Hey, yo, fam. What's up?

My mixtape dropped this week.

It's tight as hell.

Hey, you need this, man. You need this in your life.

New sh*t. New sh*t.

Get it while it's dope. Oh, Poseidon's here!

What's up, fam? (laughs)

Aphrodite, looking very trill.

Oh, what's up, Apollo?

What's up, Moms? What's up, Pops?

One CD.

Yo, who's this white dude?

Hi, Cupid. My name is Alan Gilbert.

I'm a drug and addiction specialist.

We're here today to talk to you about your dependence on alcohol and codeine cough syrup.

Yo, hold up. This is an intervention?

Oh, hell, no, man. I ain't doing this sh*t.

You will do it, or I shall smite thee with a thunderbolt!

Alan: Now, Zeus, remember what we talked about?

We're coming from a place of compassion.

Ah, this is such bullshit.

Yes. Yeah, why don't you sit down, bitch?

Mom, would you begin?

Cupid, you used to bring love to people of all shapes and sizes.

You talk about the old me. But now, you spend all your time in nightclubs, only bringing love to the worst type of people, like DJs and club promoters and guys who say they're producers, but when you look them up, they haven't produced anything.

That's 'cause all of those dudes are there for me, when I real... it comes down to it.

Have any of you listened to my mixtape?

Be for real.

Have you?

I listened to it.

It struck me as a cry for help.

Whatever happened to helping the little guy?

Don't nice guys deserve love, too?

Yeah, nice guys don't have yayo for Cupid.

Zeus: See? There he goes.

He's drinking that damned sizzurp again.

Oh, like, you never did anything bad in your life.

What about that time you turned into a swan, and you r*ped that lady?

That's not... that's not what this is about.

It could be.

Or what about when you turned into that bull, and you r*ped that other lady?

I admit it, I made some mistakes, okay?

You r*ped her a bunch of times, too.

Yup, yup, yup.

But I don't want you following in your old man's footsteps.

All I ever wanted... was to give you the life that I never had.

And all I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me, but I was never enough!

Cupid...

I'll always be proud of you. You're my son.

Daddy. Son.

Cupid, I've got a plane ticket with your name on it for a rehab center in Arizona.

Do you accept?

I do, Alan, and I'm gonna start right now by hooking up the world's biggest loser with some super hot chick.

Good luck, loser dumb-ass.

(sighs)

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Sorry. I...

No. Thank-thank you.

Yeah.

I'm-I'm... I'm Whitney.

Hi. I'm-I'm Josh.

Hi.

Hi.

(laughing)

Yup.

Do you want some company?

Man Seeking Woman - 01x05
"Sizzurp"

(knocking on door)

Dude, where have you been?

I've been calling you all week.

Hey, I'm sorry. I've just been kind of busy.

Busy with what? You don't do anything.

Well, I, uh...

I kind of, uh...

Honey, where are your washcloths?

Oh! Oh! So sorry.

I didn't realize we had company.

(laughs)

We just... he just arrived.

No, uh, uh...

Ah. Oh, yeah.

Mike, this is, uh, Whitney.

Whitney, this is, uh, Mike.

Hi. Hi.

I'm-I'm... I'm Michael.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, cool. It's...

Uh, no. Oh, okay.

I'm gonna jump in the shower.

Yeah, you know where everything is.

Uh-huh. Shh.

Oh, my God.

No?

That's the hottest chick I have ever seen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's-she's pretty cute.

I'm literally gonna jack off for a million years.

Oh, my God.

I don't...

I'm gonna rip my penis off.

How did you pull that?

Okay, so, uh, I was having my lunch in the park.

A gust of wind, uh, blustered some napkins onto the ground.

I should get some napkins.

Well, listen, I-I mean, it was more of a moment, okay?

Oh.

Like, it's-it's not sort of a template as much as it is an organic happening.

What am I doing? What am I doing?

I don't know. I mean, I would think you should just be happy that I found someone I like spending time with.

Sure, yeah, I'm happy, but, uh...

What about me, man?

Where's my piece of the pie?

(muttering)

It's okay. It's okay.

You're living the dream.

Thank-thank you.

You're an American hero.

Oh, come on.

No, seriously.

I'm... Thank-thank you.

Thank you.

I'm so proud of you.

So proud of you.

You're doing God's work now, okay?

(laughs) I guess. I guess.

I guess maybe I am.

(laughs) I guess maybe I am.

(laughs) Absolutely.

Yeah? Huh.

Oh, hey, uh, Jessica? Do I know you?

Josh Greenberg. We were in middle school together.

I actually had a huge crush on you, even though you were super cruel to me and often called me a gaylord.

God, it's been forever.

This is my girlfriend Whitney.

Hi.

Wow.

Hey, big sister who thought I needed help finding a girlfriend.

Hey.

Oh. Shows what I know.

Hey, childhood bully who used to throw milk cartons at my face.

Pretty good, right?

Hey, ex-girlfriend who broke my heart.

Hey.

Hey, Spanish professor who said I was bad at Spanish.

Hola, Yosh. ¿Que pasa?

What?

Remember when you asked me if I've been, uh, sexually active any time in the last three months?

You said, "Sort of." And I said, "What does that mean?"

And you said, "Actually, no." And then I raised my eyebrows as if to silently judge you.

Uh, so here's my girlfriend, Whitney.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Hi.

Hey, dog that used to scare me.

(dog barking)

Go. Go.

Hey, long book I couldn't finish.

I want to make sure you met, uh, current girlfriend Whitney.

Yeah. I met her.

Yeah, I'm just double-double-checking.

I got it. Good-bye.

Jessica: Josh, first of all, gaylord-- I could not have been more wrong on that one.

You're clearly some kind of straightlord.

Thank you very much.

I should have married you instead of this guy.

When she's right, she's right.

They seem nice.

Oh, they (bleep)ing suck.

I thought I was smart, but, in fact, I'm stupid.

Guess I won't be needing this anymore.

Probably not.

He seems nice.

And, uh, you know, we-we met. I was just on a bench chasing napkins. Never give up on your dreams, okay?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yeah!

(dog barking)

(Josh yelps)

Hey, Granddad, who was brave and fought in wars.

I miss you.

He seemed nice.

I'm getting really tired.

I know. L-Last stop, I promise.

Okay.

Uh, knock knock.

Hey, you're the temp, right?

Uh, Jeremy whatever?

It's, uh, Josh, actually. Um, so...

What's up, Josh?

I just wanted you, my boss, to meet my girlfriend Whitney.

Hi. Charles Powell, CEO of Powell Consulting. Have a seat right here.

Whitney, that is a beautiful name.

You ever flown a Cessna?

Nope.

Never?

I have not.

Not once?

Not once.

You? Cute little you. You've never flown in a Cessna?

No one has ever offered you a ride in a Cessna?

(quietly): No...

Go to the airport.

We will take... Let's go for a ride.

Yeah, we-we got to go.

We may have some where we're going. So just give it a second.

He seemed nice.

No, he's not nice.

None-none of these people are nice!

Hi.

Hey. Nice shoes. Where'd you get 'em?

No. Hi.

Thank you. Oh, a little boutique.

Doesn't matter.

Man: Hey, hey. Let me guess: Virgo.

August 29! Oh, my God.

No, no. No! Stop it!

We're going home. It's a nice home.

Okay.

Hello, beautiful!

Oh! Wait, careful, bud!

Hi, Ravi.

What, you know this guy?

Yeah. He's my yoga instructor.

You're tight. We need a session.

We need to get your body loose again.

You guys all need to stop.

No, we...

(echoing): We need to get you loose...!

Not every guy that's nice to me is trying to sleep with me.

I don't actually think that's true.

This may come as a surprise to you, but some guys are actually interested in me as a human being.

(stammers)

(sighs) No.

You're right, you're right, you're right.

I'm just being, uh, jealous.

I won't let it happen again.

I appreciate that.

Yeah, of course.

(intercom buzzes) (gasps)

He's here.

Uh, who's-who's, uh, here?

Hello?

(over speaker): Tanaka. Tanaka.

Hi. Come on in. First door on the right.

Who's-who's that?

I invited my friend Tanaka over.

He's visiting from Japan. Didn't I tell you?

No. No.

Remember, I met him on my study abroad. He took me to see Coldplay.

He's a giant Japanese penis monster.

(stammers) I could've swore you just said uh, "Japanese penis monster."

(chuckles)

Well, Tanaka's an octopoid creature from an alternate universe whose body consists entirely of penises.

Uh, uh, he's... he's, um... What? What?

He's traveling, right now, through time and space seeking out orifices to penetrate with his many penises.

He's amazing.

(knocking on door)

Tanaka.

Coming!

He-he, uh...

This is, uh...

Tanaka: Tanaka!

Whitney: Tanaka! Hi!

Oh, (bleep).

(shouts)

It's so good to see you. I missed you.

(heaving)

How was the trip?

You get here okay?

Tanaka. Tanaka.

k*ll it! k*ll it!

I want you to meet Josh.

Josh, come say hi to Tanaka.

Oh, hey, hey.

Hey, man. Welcome.

He wants you to shake his penis.

Tanaka.

Tanaka.

Hi.

Nice to...

Uh, Josh. Greenberg.

Tanaka.

(chuckles) I'm so excited you guys are finally meeting.

Tanaka.

Yay.

Tanaka, Tanaka.

Tanaka, Tanaka, Oh.

God. Th...

Mm, Tanaka.

(Whitney and Josh chuckle)

(laughter)

Tanaka, Tanaka, Tanaka.

Okay, oh, my...

This is awful.

Tanaka, Tanaka, Tanaka, Tanaka-naka-kaka.

Tanaka, Tanaka.

(Tanaka chuckling)

You're so bad!

I hate him.

What?

What-What's the, uh...

How's he bad? What's...

Just an inside joke.

I, let me inside.

I-I'll be inside.

Just, what-what's the joke?

Well, Tanaka was just talking about this girl that he used to date and how his condom bill was, like, through the roof.

Tanaka.

Because of his...

He has a lot of penises.

Oh, no.

Yeah, no, I got it.

Yeah, that's, that is adorable.

That's... that's so funny.

Tanaka?

(chuckles) No, he has...

He has a sense of humor; he gets it.

He gets it. I'm gonna get some more wine.

Oh, okay. All right.

Tanaka.

I won't.

So...

Um, Japan.

I don't know anything about that place.

(groaning): Long days.

Long days.

You like manga?

You...

Oh, I'm back.

Ah, Tanaka-Naka-Naka-Naka!

(laughter)

Honey, we don't have any more wine.

Do you think you can go to the store and get some?

So you want me to leave you in my apartment with, uh...

Tanaka.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Just to get some more wine.

sh*t, yeah, okay.

So-so I'll... yeah, yep.

Hey... tell me everything about Burning Man.

Tanaka, Tanaka...

Oh, really?

Tanaka, Tanaka.

Oh, my God, did you have so much fun?

Where was your guys' tent?

You're still dating nice girl?

Oh, yes, yes, still-still dating nice girl.

You drive Lamborghini?

Do I drive a... No.

(whistles)

You own real estate?

Do I own real est... No.

Tycoon? Greek tycoon, something like this?

No.

I mean, in...

In my experience, my friend, to be with a lady like this, you have to have something.

You have to buy better wine than this.

Thank you.

Can you...

Can you tell her I say hi?

Josh: I-I can't help but get the feeling that this, uh, this Tanaka character, he really just hangs out with Whitney 'cause he wants to have sex with her.

Yeah, so you guys have got something in common.

No, no, no, no, I hang out with her for a lot of reasons, okay?

She-she's got some great ideas, okay?

She-she, uh, she's got a cute-cute little jacket.

She smells wonderful.

Josh, is this really a healthy relationship, or are you just trying to make it work 'cause she's... more beautiful than any other girl you've ever dated?

Wait, is-is-is she beautiful?

I mean, I mean, 'cause, I mean, I don't think of those things.

I mean, every woman is beautiful to me.

A woman can hang out with a friend.

A male friend.

No... no...

You sound desperate and paranoid, which is not attractive.

If you're confident in yourself, it doesn't matter how many penises Tanaka has.

I am not insecure. I...

I'm a goddamned American hero!

What?

(thunder rumbling)

Uh, I... never... I gotta go.

Got the...

Tanaka: Ooh, Tanaka, naka.

You get your filthy penises off of her!

What? Huh?

Josh, he's just giving me a back massage.

Oh, come on! Really?

I'm pretty sure he was trying to have sex with you.

Are you really doing this again? For the last time, he's my friend.

Tanaka...

I'm serious. Just... just step off.

Josh, you're being a huge assh*le!

Tanaka! Tanaka! Tanaka!

No, stop it, all right?

It's just... it's a figure of speech.

Tanaka.

J-osh: Okay, fine, fine.

So... so...

Okay, I'm paranoid.

(thunder rumbling)

I'm-I'm paranoid.

The penis monster makes me uncomfortable.

You have a penis; he has a few more.

Why is that so threatening?

I am asking you as your boyfriend... please stop hanging out with him.

Josh... please don't make me choose between you and my friend.

I can't believe this is happening.

Hm. I didn't realize you were so insecure.

Listen, I'm just trying to-- get away!

Tanaka.

Josh, he's just trying to be nice.

I know that. I-I appreciate that.

But I'm saying-- oh, my God...

Tanaka: Tanaka.

Naka.

Oh, my... oh, God.

Okay, it's in my mouth... it got in my mouth that time.

Oh, God. Tanaka, please!

You're being very rude to my friend, Josh.

You're... you're touching his penis. You're touching one of his penises. His penis is on you!

Yeah? So?

It's in your hands!

Tanaka: Tanaka. For (bleep) sake, Tanaka, will you please mind your own g*dd*mn business?

Josh!

Whitney... Oh, my...

Tanaka: Tanaka!

Oh... God!

Tanaka.

Tanaka.

I can't break up with Whitney. No, I...

Have you seen her? She's... she's... she's... she's... everything I've ever wanted.

Okay. (sighs)

She make you happy?

Sh...

Being with her makes me feel better about myself.

But just because she is kind of perfect... doesn't mean she's perfect for you.

(sighs heavily)

Do you remember, in seventh grade, when you begged... for a FUBU jacket for Hanukkah?

-My God.

(laughs)

You loved that thing, you remember?

It was shiny... and it had these big puffy sleeves with the racer stripe down them.

Yep.

You wore it, like, every day.

Uh-huh.

But it didn't fit you.

And eventually, we... you know, we had to give it to Goodwill.

Which you cried about for... a long time.

Yeah, I-I know.

Then we got you that Lands' End jacket.

Mm-hmm.

And it... it was a great fit.

Someday you're gonna find your...

Lands' End lady.

Whitney: Tanaka says he's really sorry about what happened.

That's, that's nice of him.

How's your cheek?

Um... not-not so bad. Ooh.

(sighs)

How's his penis?

It's really swollen.

Aw, that's too bad.

Josh, what's been going on with you?

You've been acting so weird.

Yeah, I, uh...

Forgive me, Whitney, I'm sorry, uh, but we-we-we need, we need to-to break up.

No, but...

Yeah.

I-I can't handle it.

Really?

I... wait... I'm sorry.

We, we need, we need to break up.

Liz: Just because she's kind of perfect doesn't mean she's perfect for you... for you...

Jessica: Gaylord, I could not have been more wrong on that one.

You're clearly some kind of straightlord... straightlord...

Spanish teacher: Holà, Yosh! ¿Que pasa? ¿Que pasa?

Mike: That's the hottest chick I've ever seen.

That's the hottest chick I've ever seen.

You're living the dream. You're living the dream.

You know what?

Put a pin in that.

I was... so wrong.

I am... I was an insecure idiot.

I am so... so very sorry.

Can we just... (imitates rewinding tape)

Just, please take me back.

(gentle laugh)

Josh, I'm really happy to hear that.

Thank you.

Good, good.

But I'm engaged now.

What?

I'm engaged. See?

We broke up ten seconds ago.

And it was the hardest ten seconds of my life.

I was in a really bad place.

But I did some soul searching, and eventually, I had to move on.

Right, okay.

I'm just trying to do the... the math, figure out the chronology.

I literally walked... just over there.

Man: Hey, babe. Who's this?

What? Oh...

Hey, Roger. This is my old boyfriend Josh.

Josh, this is Roger, my fiancé.

Josh! I've heard a lot about you!

Oh.

The shipping industry sounds absolutely fantastic.

Oh, no, honey, that was Nico, my boyfriend after Josh.

Josh was the temp.

There was another guy?

Mm-hmm.

Dear, um, can... can I have a word?

Sure.

What is it?

It's-it's this guy, uh, Josh, um...

I think he's into you.

(scoffing): Oh, don't be ridiculous.

He and I are ancient history.

The guy just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Well... I think you're being paranoid.

But, if it bothers you, I'll never talk to him again.

Thanks, babe.

Hi.

Hi.

So, I don't think we should hang out anymore.

I hope you understand.

Oh, yeah.

Bye.

Bye.

Good-bye.

Dude... dude.

(wind whooshes)

Yeah, I guess, uh... girls like that don't stay on the market for too long.

Mm-hmm. Tanaka.

It... it really does suck.

Tanaka.

Mm!

Just tell me, you...

Tanaka?

You were hitting on here, right?

I mean, I was-I was-I wasn't just making that up, was I?

Tanaka, naka, naka.

(laughs) I knew it.

I knew it!

Tanaka.

(squishing)

Pals.

Good-bye, son.

Bye, mom. Bye, dad.

It's a new day for Cupid.

It's a new day for love.

Can you help me do the wings? 'Cause...

Okay... Hey, could somebody help me?

Hey, Hey, one of you dudes, can you help me... just...?

Get well soon.