01x07 - Stain

[bunniefuu]

(g*nf*re blasting on video game)

(knocking on door)

Hi! Hey, hey, hey...

Hey!

What are you guys doing here?

We're taking you out, bro.

That's right.

Mm-mm.

You're gonna come out dancing... with us.

Both (in rhythm): Come dancing, with us.

Hey, I'm not going dancing with you.

I'd-I'd-I'd feel like a third wheel.

What are you talking about?

Well, it's a couples thing.

It'd be super-awkward and weird.

No. What? that's insane. You're being insane.

Yeah. Okay...

You're not gonna spend another Saturday playing video games.

Hmm?

Yeah, okay, I'll...

(sighs) I'll come for a little bit.

Yes!

Yeah! All right, let's go.

Ding, ding, ding!

All right, let's go.

Uh, guys, when you said dancing, I really thought you meant, like, at a club or a bar.

No. We meant competitive ice dancing.

What?

Leo: Buckle up.

Bruce douglas: Welcome back to the Couples Invitational.

Now on the ice, the lovely Liz and Leo.

♪ ♪

And... Josh.

♪ ♪

Is it just me, or does Josh seem like a third wheel?

Oksana baiul: Yes, this is couples thing.

Josh being with them is super-awkward and weird.

Douglas: Now, why is he pointing and waving?

What's that about?

Baiul: He's trying to make it seem like he sees friends.

Like he is popular guy?

Douglas: That's not gonna fool the judges.

♪ ♪

Baiul: Oh, Liz and Leo are a match made in heaven.

Douglas: Two bodies moving perfectly as one.

Let's check back in with Josh.

Oh, dear.

Baiul: Now he's doing that thing where you pretend to get a text.

Douglas: Yes, from this angle, you can see that his phone is clearly turned off.

He's texting on a blank screen.

(crowd booing) And the crowd knows it.

And they're not happy, quite frankly.

Ooh!

Baiul: Hmm, he should've stayed home and masturbated himself.

Douglas: I would've.

Man Seeking Woman - 01x07 Stain

Man: Hey, Josh.

Hey.

Water.

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, (bleep), (bleep).

You got... you got water now.

Ev-Everybody's got water.

Okay, have a good one.

Oh, you, too. Do you know when you might need me again?

We'll let you know, Jeff.

Oh, okay.

Jeff?

Bill, bill, junk mail, boring-ass letters.

Dude, your mail sucks.

Oh, I just got this.

Ben and Becky's wedding invitation.

You're going, right?

Yeah, I don't know.

Weddings... weddings kind of stress me out.

What? Why?

Because all our friends are, like, coupled up, and they have terrific jobs, and I'm single, and... oh, God, the sun.

Uh, and I'm just a temp.

Come on, dude, you got to go.

It's Ben and Becky.

Okay, what if Maggie's there?

I'm serious, I don't think I could...

I heard she's dating some... new banker guy.

Don't worry, they're not gonna be there, okay?

Come on.

Just say you're in. I don't...

Say you're in.

I don't know.

Who's in? Who's in?

There's little Josh's smile.

Okay, all right.

There's that little smile.

Okay, I'm in, I'm in.

There you go.

When is this thing?

July 25, in hell.

What?

July 25, it's a Saturday.

Yeah, no, the other thing.

Oh, the wedding's in hell.

See?

It's a destination wedding.

Yep, come on.

Let's go shopping.

Oh, my God.

Can't believe I wasted all this money on a lightweight suit.

Dude, we're going to hell in July.

You're gonna want something that breathes.

Okay, one more stop.

What? Oh, come on.

(bell dings)

Do we really have to buy swords?

Their wedding Web site said holy weaponry suggested.

I read the Web site, I'm just saying I'm only gonna use it once. It's just gonna take up space in my closet.

Going to hell?

Oh, my God. You know it.

Yeah, we're, uh, we're real excited about it. Do you have anything that is under $40?

This one is $90. And it's our most basic model.

Why's it so cheap?

Well, the, uh, blade is unengraved, the handle is synthetic and it's cursed.

It's cursed?

Yes, everyone who's bought it has been m*rder*d.

You said $90? No sword for me.

That's right.

For $90... you ain't gonna do much better than that, bro.

Okay, well, I'm not made of $90.

Thank you.

What about you, my friend?

Uh, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba... Let's go pewter this time.

Pewter. The man's metal. Good choice.

Might I suggest a goatskin sheathe?

Andros, you old bastard, you know me better than I know myself.

You got it.

Mm.

She's a beauty.

Definitely put this on my tab.

Will do.

Ka!

Whoa, Christ... Christ Almighty.

Hey, how happy do you think Becky is right now?

I-I don't know...

Over the moon, right?

Y... Uh...

Is that what you were gonna say?

N... Yeah.

That's what I'm thinking.

Okay. Hey, how you doing?

Hey, you know how Ben proposed?

No.

Put it in a fortune cookie.

Oh.

And then he lost it.

Oh.

And then she found it.

Okay.

They're telling me the story... I lost it. (laughs)

Oh, yeah.

You see what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, this wedding's gonna be the best. Dancing, open bar.

Open bar, there's always a tip jar.

So you end up paying anyway.

Oh, wouldn't it be amazing if the ring was white gold?

I, uh... No, not really.

Ah. Becky's getting married in her grandma's wedding dress.

Isn't that adorable?

No, she's probably just trying to save money.

Oh, man, I love it when they cut the cake and they wipe it all over each other's faces.

You mean-You mean, like every single wedding?

I hope they write their own vows. You know, to personalize 'em?

Yeah, you're right.

'Cause getting married is so unique.

♪ Here comes the bride, do, do, do-do. ♪

Oh, for (bleep) sake. I smell wedding.

Ugh.

(rattling) Welcome, gentlemen.

Are you here for the wedding?

Yes.

The business center is on the second floor.

And here is a little gift, courtesy of Ben and Becky.

Oh, lovely. Jordan Almonds.

Disgusting. You can have mine.

You know what, man?

I have been listening to you complain for this entire trip.

I didn't say anything in the desert, or the labyrinth, or the whirling hall of knives or the whirling hall of screams, but enough is enough, man.

I came here to celebrate our good friends.

If you're gonna be a crybaby, you shouldn't have come.

No, no, you're right.

Fair-Fair enough.

I didn't realize I was being so negative.

And... (sighs) No, you're right, This is fun, good. Exotic, uh, location.

Yes.

And, uh, new-new people. And...

That's what I'm talking about.

It's gonna be a big party.

There you go.

And it's gonna be fine.

Maggie: Hey, guys.

Oh, sh*t.

Maggie.

Hey.

(laughing) Wh-What...

What are you doing here? Thought you had some work thing.

Yeah, but I blew it off. I mean, come on, it's Ben and Becky, right?

Yes.

(laughing) You look, uh, you look nice.

Hey.

Oh... Oh, hey, Graham, this is Mike and Josh.

Hey.

Hey, Josh.

I've heard so much about you.

Only good, uh, things, I hope?

Okay.

This is gonna be so fun. I love destination weddings.

Yeah. Oh, thanks.

Oh, guilty. (laughs)

Huh?

Guess what. Jordan Almonds.

What?

We were just talking about how everyone loves these.

The best.

Once you pop, you can't stop.

(laughs)

Every... That's Pringles. See you?

Yeah, so see you later?

Bye.

On the dance floor?

Yeah. Take care.

Nice to meet you.

Okay, bye.

Yup.

He's a hunk.

(chuckles)

(organ gently playing) MIKE: When I saw Becky's father walk her down the aisle, I lost it. I just... Complete waterworks.

(laughing): It was a little embarrassing.

Oh, right?

What's up, buddy?

Josh? What's...

(sighs) Dude... You know, I just... I... We We slept together five weeks ago.

And now-And now she's with this guy?

It doesn't matter. Just let it go, man.

Just act like they're not even here.

Yup, you're right, you're right.

It's all... It's all...

It's all in your head. It's all in my head. Okay.

We're at a wedding, okay, fine.

What-What table are we at?

Uh, look like 19.

19. Activate table 19.

19?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Yeah.

No. No-No, we're-we're 19.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Table buddies.

Dude. (laughs)

Hey! Yeah!

Okay.

(laughing)

Follow us. Let's go.

sh*t.

Mike: Thank heaven we're in hell.

Maggie: We're in hell, yeah.

I just came up with that.

That's good.

(all laughing)

Maggie: Oh, my God.

I, uh, I throw events for this start-up, zipbop.com.

Okay.

Just got two mil in seed funding.

Is that r... That's incredible. That's amazing.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Well, listen, if you ever want to go public...

Really?

Graham, this is not a a business trip. Stop.

I know, I know.

Uh-oh, business police.

Tell me... Tell me about it.

Aah!

Always.

Oh. (cackles)

(mouths)

Josh, what-what is it that you do?

I... I-I... I-I'm just a temp.

Oh, yeah?

Right on. Right on.

Yeah, right.

I feel like we're-we're hiring temps all the time.

Oh, cool, congratulations.

Are you interested in making a move?

Uh, that's very nice of you, but I'm content where I am. Yeah.

I'm curious. If I could ask... how-how much are they paying you?

Yeah, it's... uh, standard temp rate.

Graham: Right.

Which is like... like, what?

Like, ballpark.

Um... ah, it's $13.82 an hour.

I... sorry, I can't, I can't hear you.

$13.82 an hour.

Oh.

Well, we-we can definitely top that.

(laughing): Oh... If you want.

I mean, just send me your info and I'll just bring you in.

Right?

Oh, my God...

Check that, dude.

Hey.

Pretty happy you came now, huh?

Ooh, they're doing it right there.

Ah, this is the best...

There you go.

(growling)

(guests screaming)

(growls)

Come on, you stupid thing!

(growls)

Stupid goatskin thing.

(screaming)

(growling)

Ah! Ah!

Maggie: Josh!

Use your sword!

I didn't bring one!

Why not?

Because the Web site said it was a suggestion!

Oh, my God.

I'm going to eat your soul!

(snarls, yowls)

You okay, man?

Yeah, I'm... I'm good.

Just breathe, man.

Yeah, I-I know.

Deep breaths, you got this.

I'm good, I'm fine...

Yah!

(screaming)

(laughing)

(guests cheering)

Mike: Yeah, man!

Uh, keeper!

Uh, I know!

(Maggie laughs) (whoops)

♪ ♪
♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey... ♪

Oh!

I love this song!

(whoops)

Milady.

Let's do it!

♪ What it is now ♪
♪ What you doing ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Where you going ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ What you want ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Little sister ♪

Mike: Joshie!

♪ Who's your brother ♪

Come on over. Dance, man!

Dance with us!

♪ Come on over my friend ♪
♪ Come on over ♪
♪ Come on over ♪
♪ And let's get wild now ♪
♪ Let's get wild now ♪
♪ It's my party ♪
♪ It's my party ♪

So you and that girl used to date, huh?

Yes.

I noticed,

'cause there was some weirdness.

I... I know.

Yeah.

And now she's dating that handsome guy.

Yeah, I'm aware.

Yeah.

How brutal was it when he offered you a job?

Yep.

And then you told him how much you make.

Ooh.

Does anybody care that he's not dead yet?

Oh, and then he was like, "Oh, we can definitely b*at that."

And the way that he said "definitely..."

I mean, yikes. Humiliating, right?

I am... well, well aware.

You can tell she's into him, man.

They're gonna go home and she is gonna rip his clothes off and he is gonna plow her...

Oh, come on.

From dusk till dusk, all right?

Okay. Thank you.

Go get me a cup of coffee, temp!

(demon cackling)

♪ Whoa, baby ♪

(guests cheer, applaud)

Dj: All right. Everybody having a good time?

Let's give it up for Ben and Becky.

♪ ♪

Hey, you... uh, do you... you look like you want to dance.

Do you want to dance?

Um...

Do you want to dance? Yep? Yep?

Sure, okay.

Yes? Yes? Sure, great, yep.

♪ ♪

Here, here, get... get behind me, like, like, yeah, like, oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, this is fun.

I'm gonna get back to my friends.

No, please, just wait.

Bye.

No, please!

(cackling)

(cackling continues)

It was hands down the best opera I've ever seen in my whole life.

Yeah, I heard it's crazy hard to get tickets.

Oh, yeah.

Well, the director's actually a friend of mine, so he kind of hooked us up.

Oh, honey, wait.

Hmm? What?

You have an eyelash. Here, wait.

Oh.

Make a wish.

Well, I would, but my wish already came true.

Stop.

(Maggie laughs)

Did you wish to be a huge piece of sh*t?

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Relax.

Ben: Hi!

Hi!

Hey...! Hey...!

(chuckles nervously)

Ben and Becky.

Becky, your dress is a work of art.

Is-is that French lace?

It is.

I knew it. Oh...

It's gorgeous.

Sorry if it got a little hot inside that volcano.

Maggie: Oh...

No, the temperature was perfect.

Is, uh, is the flower girl going to be all right?

Yeah, we'll find her.

Maggie: Oh, good.

Graham, we're so happy to finally meet you.

We are, too.

Maggie's told us so much about you.

Oh, has she?

Becky: How long have you two been together, now?

Six weeks.

Six weeks.

Six weeks?!

Yeah.

Six weeks!

Very, very interesting.

Mike: Buddy, don't do this.

Hey...

Don't you dare do this.

The calendar is a remarkable instrument.

Mm-hmm.

When you think about it.

You know, it often reveals great truths.

Oh, my God.

Riddle me this, Graham.

Graham-Graham, Golden Graham, how-how can a girlfriend be a girlfriend if, five weeks ago,

Mike: Oh, my God. she was having sex with me?

Maggie: Josh, that was over two months ago.

No, it wasn't.

Yeah, it was.

Screw you.

No... no, it wasn't.

Because I distinctly remembered that it was May 3, and today is July... twenty...

Maggie: Yeah.

sh*t.

Yeah. sh*t.

You are a true assh*le.

I'm-I'm not... I'm not good.

Uh, uh, uh, I think you've had enough, okay? I think-I think I know when I've had enough.

N-No, no.

Why don't you mind your own business?

You're acting like a jackass.

I...

Give me the glass now.

Mind your beeswax.

g*dd*mn it!

(Becky screams)

(guests gasping)

(sobbing)

(chuckles)

Yep. Yep.

Rough night, huh?

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I was, uh... at this wedding, and it really didn't go well.

Weddings can be hard.

You know, it's not just the wedding.

It's everything... my whole entire life. It...

(groans in frustration) It feels like every single day is just a living nightmare.

(pained scream)

Sorry about that.

This guy's shoving fire ants up my butt.

(gravelly voice): There you go, ants.

Get up her butt.

I'm sorry.

You were saying something about your life being bad?

Oh, it's just, I don't know what happened.

(small demon muttering) I turned around and every single person I knew was getting married and starting careers, actual careers,

(pained grunting) and I'm just a temp.

And I'm single and I just can't reconcile that with everything I did right.

Small demon: Go up that butt.

I went to college, I got good grades, I-I played by the rules, and now, what, I'm 27 and my life is just a disaster.

Grr... ah...

Small demon: Right up in the butt.

(woman groaning)

Come on, come on, march, march.

(grunting)

Say, why-why are you... down here?

Eh, I said the earth was round.

(softly): Geez.

(distant screaming)

Yeah, I should probably... go back there and apologize.

Hey... crazy idea.

You two want to come with?

Mm, up the butt.

Come on. It's Ben and Becky.

Hey, you know what, you guys just go on ahead.

I'll meet you in there. Okay.

All right, do it, yeah.

(quietly): Okay. (small demon muttering)

All right.

B-Ben and Becky, so sorry for ruining the wedding.

It-it's my fault, purely my fault.

Words can't describe the... shame I feel.

Yeah, I can stand by that.

Hey, shithead.

Oh, for God's sake.

Your apology's going to suck my fuzzy ass.

Could you just lay off me for 30 seconds?

(laughing): You remember when you told Graham how much money you make and then he said,

(Graham's voice): oh, we can definitely top that.

(normal voice): Do you remember that?

Yes, we already covered that in there!

How did you even get here?!

Seriously, don't go in there, man, huh?

You're not going to fix things.

I-I...

What are you, some kind of masochist?!

Stop!

♪ ♪

Mike: Oh, yeah, Linda.

Oh, I'm in love.

Oh, Joshua!

(laughing) Ooh.

So, uh, what happened?

What-what do you mean?

I-I ruined...

I thought I ruined the wedding.

Dude, get over yourself, bro.

It's not about you.

(laughs) Huh.

Yeah, fair enough.

You know what, Mike?

I learned something tonight.

I realized that...

Shh... Nobody cares.

(laughs)

Hey, Mike, I learned something today. Meh, meh, meh.

It's not 3-2-1 Contact, bro.

It's a wedding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Both: Everybody, conga!

Oh! Grab my ass!

Okay.

♪ ♪

Oh. Hi.

Mazel tov. Thank you for having me.

It was a lovely wedding.

Thanks, Jeff.