01x08 - Branzino

[bunniefuu]

Ha! Come on! Get some!

They're here!

They're finally here!

Uh, a lot of thin envelopes, bro.

Here goes nothing!

"Dear Josh..." That's a good start. "We regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to Kristen. Kristen receives hundreds "of applications each year, but she only has room for two or three guys. Blah, blah, blah. We wish you all the best in finding a girlfriend for the fall term."

Damn it, she was my top choice.

Don't worry about it, buddy.

Nobody gets into Kristen. Open another.

Okay, all right!

Yeah, we got this.

Here goes nothing!

Come on!

"Dear Josh: Thank you for your interest in Erica. Mm-hmm. Unfortunately, after many years as a coed institution, she has decided to admit only women."

For real?

Yeah.

Why do I suddenly want to go there?

Yeah, that's, you know, it's hard to take that personal, so...

Yeah!

Open more! Open more!

Laura... Damn it.

That's a six-year program. You don't want that.

Annie!

Rejected. Shaniqua?

But I didn't have... I wasn't holding my breath on that.

Rebecca? Deanna? Vanessa.

Aw, man.

And that's that.

Sorry, man.

I know, I know.

It's okay.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey... ♪

There.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What is that?

Okay, let's not get our hopes up, all right?

"Dear Josh: We are delighted to announce that you have been accepted as a boyfriend by Rachel!"

Yes!

Ah, Rachel? I... I never heard of Rachel.

Here, here. She's a, she's a small liberal arts girl.

Aw, man, are you sure, dude?

"Dinner parties, book clubs, poetry readings"?

Um... I just don't think she's a good match.

Look, maybe defer for a year, travel, and then apply for a girl you really like.

No more applying.

I'm sick of applying!

Now, she's in state.

And she accepted me.

Have you considered the Army?

(door slams)

(sighs)

Man Seeking Woman - 01x08
Branzino

I can't believe how right we are for each other.

We're so similar.

It-it's just like we're soul mates.

Soul mates.

It's like we're the same person.

Yeah.

Like if I were to say my favorite food... Food... is... is... soft... soft... boiled eggs.

Boil... soft-boiled eggs.

I'm so excited to meet your mom.

Yeah? Yeah, it's gonna be great.

You look nervous.

Well, I just, I haven't... introduced anyone to her in a while.

So... yeah, it's just a bit of pressure.

Oh, don't worry.

You're right. I'm overthinking this.

Mm-hmm.

It's no big deal.

Announcer: Live from Evanston, Illinois, it's...

Tonight, join Mom and her guests...

Featuring...

And now here she is...

Mom!

Thank you.

Start with your funny horse story.

Oh, yeah.

Get her laughing, then we'll go to where you're from.

Tom, play me over to my desk.

You guys are on.

Let's bring out our first guests, Josh and Rachel.

(crowd whoops, cheers)

Hi, Mom.

Oh...

Good to see you.

Hi. Hi, Rachel.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Josh has told me so much about you.

(audience laughing)

Okay.

(bass note plays, audience laughs)

So it says here you two have been together for three months.

Um, no, no, it's, uh, three weeks, actually.

Three weeks?

Mm-hmm.

There's an Activia in my fridge I've had a longer relationship with.

(audience laughs)

So, Mom, uh, Rachel, uh, works for a nonprofit.

Oh.

A nonprofit.

Rachel: Yeah.

A non... What is a nonprofit, Tom?

Do you know what that is? I do not...

It sounds like, uh, cousin Donnie's boat business.

(laughs)

Donnie's in jail.

(audience laughing) Donnie...

Josh: No, actually, she works for a very, um, fascinating environmental... advocacy group.

Oh.

Ad... Environmental advocacy group.

Mmm, eco.

♪ Eco-I-A. ♪

Rachel: I-I mostly do social media outreach and Java script coding.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Well... (laughs) supercalifragilistic to you, too.

Tom: I haven't seen your mother this confused since I tried to show her how to use an Allen wrench.

We're gonna take a break.

Already?

And, uh, to hear from our sponsor.

So we'll be right back.

(band continues playing)

Wait, um...

Josh told me that you make the world's best German potato salad.

That's true, I did.

She's heard about the potato salad.

Rachel: I would be so honored if I could get the recipe. We're having people over for dinner on Saturday night, and I'm still missing a starch.

Lady is looking for a starch.

You're hosting a dinner party?

Together?

Oh, y-yes. Yes, we are, yes, we are.

Yeah. Well, that would be a potluck?

No, I'm making everything.

You're making everything?

Buffet or sit-down?

Sit-down.

Hello!

Now, that's a real dinner par... Tom, they're hosting a real dinner party.

Rachel, I want to hear all about it... what's on the menu, who are the guests.

This is just great.

Stick around. We're gonna be right back with my new favorite couple, Josh and Rachel.

One, two, three, four, five, six and seven.

Come on, get up. That's it. Come on, let's dance.

Get down, get down, get down, get down.

Last night, I think, went so great.

It was amazing.

It couldn't have gone any better.

It's so obvious that we're perfect for each other.

We're so perfect.

Aw.

Aw, thank you.

Would you like some breakfast?

Oh, yes, yes, please.

What do we got?

Soft-boiled eggs.

Oh. Okay.

This is our favorite meal.

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is.

(chuckles)

This is so perfect. This is all so cute.

Mm-hmm.

Oh. That's a true egg smell.

Cheers to a couple of soft-boiled... us.

Mm. (laughs)

Mm.

Mm-hmm?

Perfection.

Mmm. Mm-hmm. (chuckles)

♪ Welcome, welcome, welcome. ♪

Hey, come on in, guys.

Come on in.

Yeah, we're... So we're adults.

Oh, nice, you brought wine.

It's a really good Malbec from Argentina.

I love Malbec.

I love Nalpec.

Now, we will be plating in just a minute.

Until then, go ahead and have Then... go ahead and... some hors d'oeuvres.

Hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, this is incredible.

Please.

Amusery your bouches.

Mm.

Let's, uh, keep it clean.

Yeah, okay, sure, I'm sorry.

(sighs) This is so... This is so fun and cute and-and neat and awesome.

This is my first real dinner party.

You're doing a great job.

Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, you're so cute. (humming)

(laughs) (knocking)

Oh.

Oh.

Duty calls.

Duty calls, duty calls.

♪ Welcome, welcome, wel... ♪

What up, sluts?

(whoops, laughing) Oh.

What... What are... What are you doing here?

Saturday night, man. Came to party with Dr. Cocktopus. (exclaims) Oh.

That's ne...

That's not a nickname. That's not my nickname.

Oh, it is. That's his nickname.

Well, we're just kind of having a little, uh, dinner party.

Party? Excellent.

No, not...

Where the honeys at?

No, it's not...

O-Okay.

Mike: Hey, any of you h*m* got pills?

Yo, check it out. I call this one No, I-I don't...

"Cowboys and Indians" 'cause it's white and red. You get it?

Mm. Mm, mm.

What was that... six seconds?

Oh, God.

You seen that video where that girl has sex with a dog?

It's disgusting, dude.

German shepherd. Yeah.

You know those dogs are demented, too, 'cause they interbreed 'em. Oh, but that dog was lovin' it, bro.

Dinner is served.

Aw. Oh, it looks beautiful.

Cute.

Get that thing away from me, dude!

(guffaws)

What the sh*t kind of bullshit sh*t is that, man?

It's branzino.

Sanzino.

Oh, man, that thing's gonna come to life and chew my nuts off in my sleep.

God, it's like a Stephen King movie up in here, bro.

♪ Rastafarian ♪
♪ I'm a fish from the islands. ♪

Bla, bla, bla, bla. Sounds I like to slow it down, DJ.

Ooh. Fish in space. Mike.

(laughs)

Will you put him in another room? He's getting all riled up.

Yeah, it's a very good... very good point. Okay.

Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy?

Uh-huh?

Why don't you put the fish down?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. Thanks. Okay.

Here, over here.

Here we go.

Come on, right in here, right in here.

So who's seen Blackfish?

Oh, my God, it's...

(laughs) Okay, okay.

Here, have a seat. Sit, sit, sit.

Wh... Why?

Okay, okay.

Um, you got to stay here for a bit, okay?

Okay.

Okay, good.

Good bro.

Good bro!

(laughs)

Whoa, whoa, where you going?

Well, I have to get back to the party.

Oh... No, no, no, no, no. No.

No. You stay.

You have to stay here. Okay?

Oh...

Good Mike. Good.

(laughter)

♪ Good night, good night. ♪

(laughter)

Thank you for the book recommendations.

I can't wait to read all those books.

Whew!

Oh...

That was so cute.

Okay. Now this.

I know.

Well, good news... he's probably asleep.

Okay. Shh.

Oh, God. Oh, Jesus.

Josh: He got into the weed.

Mike: Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

Josh, what are we gonna do about him?

I don't know.

It's just getting to be so much work.

I mean, looking after him, cleaning up his messes...

Plus, he tried to hump Tina.

Yeah, and he sh*t on the bed.

Oh, my God.

That would explain that smell.

Maybe he just doesn't fit into our lifestyle.

I think it's time.

(passes gas)

Josh: Come on, bro.

(grunts) Atta bro.

This way. Come on, buddy.

Come on, bud.

Woman: Hey, bro.

You're a good bro, aren't you?

Yes, you are.

Yeah.

Do you like Call of Duty?

Oh... Do you like Doritos?

(Mike laughing)

Oh, I bet you do!

I bet you do.

Aw, Salsa Verde!

Sick!

This place seems nice.

Well, keeping our bros happy and healthy is our top priority.

And you guys'll find a good new best friend for him?

We'll certainly do our best in the 30-day time period.

Why? What happens after 30 days?

You know, we don't really have the resources to keep the bros here permanently.

So if we can't find a friend for them in that time, it... it is our policy to put them down.

You mean k*ll them?

It's very humane.

First, we sedate the bros with a 12-pack of shitty beer, and then we inject their heart with a lethal dose of sodium thiopental.

No.

Uh, that's...

I don't think I can do that to Mike.

Mike is 27.

Uh, that's very old for a bro.

Uh-huh.

And you've probably noticed he can't party as hard as he used to.

Yeah, no, his... hangovers have been getting worse and... he's having trouble dancing.

Turn down, what's up!

Oh.

Yeah.

No, I guess his... quality of life's pretty poor.

You know, when a bro gets to the age where he can't, you know, pound Patrón and crush mad sloppy gash, the best option is often death.

(exhales)

Initial here...

Okay. Um...

(exhales)

Can I just, uh, say, uh...

Just take a minute.

Thank you.

(laughs) Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay, I'm gonna get going now.

Okay.

I'll come with you. Let's get burritos.

No, no.

You got to stay here.

What?

Yeah.

(sighs) Yeah.

I love you, bro.

I love you, too, dude.

Oh.

(bars rattle) This door sucks.

Hey.

Man: Oh, dude.

I'm so hammered.

I pounded those beers.

You sure did, bro.

Man: I got to get my d*ck wet, son.

You'll get your d*ck wet... in Heaven.

Man: Sick.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

No! No, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Uh, hey, ma'am?

Made a huge mistake. I-I...

Um, I want my bro back.

It's too late! Your bro is property of the state.

Prop-Property of the state? He's my best friend in there. (laughs)

He's a menace! Bros are nothing but a scourge on our city.

Slamming sh*ts, pissing in the streets, shouting "YOLO."

They should all be exterminated!

Exterminated?

Okay. All right.

(man shouts indistinctly)

Hey, what's all that, uh...?

Hey, stop!

Woman: Guards! Oh, no, no, no, no.

(whistling)

Man: Hey, stop! Stop 'em!

Hey, come on right now.

Get down!

Bro release!

Come on! Come on!

(indistinct, overlapping shouting and chatter)

Come on! Come on!

(whooping, horn honks)

What is this place?

A place where bros can run free.

(loud, indistinct shouting)

Man: Oh, sick!

Naked ladies!

(laughter and shouting)

Aren't you coming?

I got to get back to Rachel. We're going to Ikea.

(siren blaring)

You got to get in there, bud, before they run out of wings.

Good-bye, bro.

I want some tittays!

(whoops and laughs)

Yeah!

(sniffs) Oh, it's Malbec.

Oh!

Right? Rachel and I love Malbec.

Rachel: Yeah.

Um, we're so glad you guys could come out, because we actually have a bit of an announcement to make. Honey?

Rachel: My lease is up at the end of the month, and Josh and I spend so much time together already that we figured...

Why not get surgically conjoined?

(both laugh)

What?

Wow.

(laughing) Do-Doesn't that seem a little too soon maybe to be making that step?

Leo and I have been together for four years now, and... and we still have separate bodies.

Oh.

Yeah. No, I know.

That's you guys, though.

I mean, each relationship moves at its own pace.

Leo: Uh-huh, yeah.

I believe.

I mean, I have no doubt that you guys will get to where we're at one of these days, but, uh...

Maybe.

You know, may-maybe.

Uh, but for us, it was, like, why wait?

(laughs) We're soul mates.

(laughs) Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

♪ You make me laugh, you know just what to say ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Know what I'm thinking without saying a thing ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ I want to be your friend, I want to be your best friend ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I want to be your friend, I think I'll say it again ♪
♪ Oh-oh, I want to be your best friend... ♪

(music distorts and stops)

(playing a melancholy tune)

I know. I just thought it was like a dreamlike memento. Oh, my gosh, yes.

I thought the same thing when I read it, yeah.

What did you think?

Woman: The sentence structure...

(liquid pouring)

(liquid continues pouring)

(toilet flushing, Josh whispering)

(whispering)

Are you ready to turn the page?

Not yet.

Not... yet...

I don't even know what this sentence...

You know, it's been a while since we've...

What?

You know.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Uh, do... do you want to?

I mean, if you want to, I would do that.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Good idea.

Okay.

That's a terrific idea.

Yeah.

All right?

Um...

Okay, so...

Okay.

Can you... can you fold... folding?

I'm folding.

Okay, gonna fold.

Can... uh, folding?

Try my best.

I'm trying to fold.

There we go. Okay.

Okay, can you...?

I can't do it. Maybe if I... Maybe if I took a rib out.

Okay, well, you know what?

Maybe if you would've tried harder in yoga, we'd be more flexible.

Are you kidding me?

If you don't want to do this anymore, than you should just say something.

Of course I want to do this.

If you don't find us attractive anymore, than you should just tell me...

I just...

You're the one that needs the mood to be right all the time.

Because you don't communicate with me.

I don't always know what you're thinking.

No, no, no, this is on you, not me.

What happened to us?

It's like all we do is bicker now.

I don't know.

It's like there's...

There's a distance between us.

Yeah.

Josh: Yeah, that's... No, that's my mix CD.

Yeah.

Um, who gets the toaster?

Oh, you can keep it.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, who gets the bowels?

Ooh.

Uh, do you mind if I hang on to those?

I just feel like I use them way more than you do.

Sure. Um...

Burp! (grunts)

Um... on three?

Yeah. Yeah?

Both: One, two, three.

(both yelling)

(loud tearing, birds singing)

Josh (echoing): Oh, God!

Oh, sh*t, man. I'm sorry, dude. Splitting up always sucks, you know?

It stings, man. Thought we were soul mates, but I guess we just weren't a good match for each other.

You need to buy a drink to sit here.

Uh, do you guys carry any Malbecs?

Huh?

Fair enough.

Uh, yeah. Uh, two... two beers, please.

Thank you.

Missed you, brother.

Missed you too, Mike.

♪ I wanna be your best friend ♪
♪ Your best friend ♪