02x09 - Eel

[bunniefuu]

Let's see, I see here that you would like to go back on birth control?

Yeah, I'm in this new relationship, and we really want to stop using condoms, so...

We would recommend that you take a quick questionnaire about common risk factors for STls.

Yep, okay.

Great.

Now, are you an intravenous drug user?

Not that I know of.

Do you have sex with multiple partners?

Only on a good night. [chuckles]

No.

You know, I know some of these questions seem silly.

We just have to ask.

I'm sorry. Totally.

Have you had sex with Mike Scaggs?

What?

Have you had sexual contact with Mike Scaggs?

Again, I know some of these questions are silly, but we're just trying to identify the most common ways that people contract STls.

That's...

Mike Scaggs is the guy I'm seeing.

Great, let's get started on your physical.

Scooch down.

[downtempo electronic music]

♪ ♪

Ah!

♪ ♪

[squeaks]

♪ ♪

[growls]

♪ ♪

I've never even heard of a lot of these diseases.

I know, but all negative, so...

Mike really gets around, huh?

Yeah, he was a... single guy.

He slept with a few people.

But he... you know, those days are behind him.

So you guys are an official couple now?

Like, not, like, official official... official.

You know, like, it wasn't, like, written down in the hall of records.

You know what I mean? [laughs]

Guys, we hang out almost every night, okay?

He threw me a birthday party.

He's totally my boyfriend.

We just haven't had, like, the talk yet.

Okay, well, there's no rush, right?

Uh-uh.

Yeah.

In its own time.

Yeah, keep it cas'.

Yeah. [whistle blows]

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

Oh, I need a kiss.

[chuckles]

Hey, babe?

Hey, um...

Mike, I was wondering, can we talk about something for a second?

Yeah. What's up?

Um, I've been thinking a lot about, you know, you and me, us, lately.

I think about us all the time too, baby.

I'm so glad we talked about that.

Uh...

Ooh, you look cold.

Let me grab you a jacket.

There you are.

Hey.

So, um, as I was saying, you know, we've been seeing each other for a while now.

Yeah.

And we like each other so much.

Totally agree.

Mike!

Michael, listen, I feel like you're being a tad bit evasive here.

We really need to talk about our relationship.

Wahh!

[yells]

Hey! Baby!

Mike!

Hey!

Okay, we are just two little pitchers away from free nachos.

I think we can do it. Do you think we can do it?

Yeah, totally.

Listen, I want to talk to you about something that happened yesterday.

Is that all right?

Yeah, totally. What's, uh, up?

Okay, um, I... I've been trying to have this serious conversation with you, you know, I felt like instead of listening to me, you, you know, just, like, flew out of the window with the impossible grace of a wingless crane.

Wow, I'm sorry you felt that way.

I just thought the conversation was over.

Want some quesadillas?

Babe, hi.

Hey.

What I want more than that is to clarify.

I just need you to tell me, you know, am I your girlfriend or not, that's it.

[sighs]

[snorts]

[laughs] Babe!

Is this what you've been worrying about this whole time?

Yeah.

For real? Baby.

I know it's silly. I just...

Just... come here.

Ahh!

Mike!

[intense music]

♪ ♪

[panting]

I understand your predicament.

Sounds as though you have a very worthy opponent.

Yes, Master Chang.

[bamboo flute melody]

I will teach you.

But are you certain you wish to catch that which does not wish to be caught?

The slippery eel, once captured, is not so delicious.

I don't care.

I want the eel.

Hmm.

[woman singing in native language]

[bird caws]

♪ ♪

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

Hmm.

♪ ♪

[groans]

[laughs]

Master Chang!

Hmm?

I've been at this for hours.

It's late, and I'm exhausted, and I still haven't learned anything about doing battle with Mike.

What is the meaning of all of this?

You must be patient.

For you to capture the slippery eel...

Oh, God, more eel.

Hmm.

Okay, I gotta go.

Thanks, I guess.

I gotta go.

Hey.

Where were you?

Did you forget we had dinner plans?

I'm sorry, I just got home way later than I thought I would.

So where were you?

Oh, I was just training with some ancient martial arts master on a mountaintop who's stupid.

Do we need plates?

So you were with a guy?

It's no biggie. What's wrong?

I just think it's kinda weird that I'm waiting around all night while some old guy is skeezing all over my girlfriend.

Ahh!

[bamboo flute melody]

♪ ♪

How did you do that?

I think I can answer that question.

You see, my method was not about training at all.

It was about spending time away from Mike with another dude, creating uncertainty.

Right. I'm sorry I ever doubted your ways, Master Cheng.

♪ ♪

So, um...

I should tell you, I've never exactly done the boyfriend thing before.

Oh, babe!

Don't you worry.

You're gonna be great.

[clears throat]

So what are we gonna do tonight?

Hey, have you ever heard of this game called Cards Against Humanity, hmm?

It's so fun!

[chuckles]

Yeah.

Wow.

How 'bout charades?

Oh, babe, can you...

I... I get it.

I... totally, I get it.

I will just, uh, head on out, I guess.

So, um...

See you later.

[gentle music]

Hi, yes, two coffees for me and my girlfriend, please.

[laughs]

So I'll see you after work tonight, girlfriend?

I can't wait, boyfriend.

Thanks.

Ah, thank you.

Bye, babe.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

[cell phone dings]

[both chuckle]

I texted you. You saw it?

Yeah, I just got it.

Cool. Just making sure.

Miss you.

[phone chimes]

Sorry.

How do you want to make your clients happy?

[phone chimes] You...

I am going to put on vibrate.

Yeah, let's do that. Okay?

[phone buzzes]

There is no...

[buzzing continues]

Okay, break room tips. If it's not yours...

You okay?

Yeah.

Hmm?

Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

Tell me what's up.

Ugh, okay, fine.

I... I just think it's kinda messed up that you didn't respond to my texts yesterday.

Babe.

I love knowing that you're thinking about me.

I love it, but I need you to understand that if I'm busy at work or with friends or something, I can't always get back to you right away.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, totally. I get it.

It's just when I didn't hear from you, I thought maybe you were mad or...

Well, I'm not mad.

Hmm.

Hey.

Hmm?

You know, you have nothing to worry about.

Mm, mm.

I'm gonna go to the gym, all right?

Okay.

You gonna be okay?

I'll miss you.

Miss you too. All right.

I'll miss you. Have a good workout.

Bye.

Bye.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[suspenseful music]

It's every boyfriend's nightmare: a girlfriend not responding to texts.

We now go live to devastated boyfriend, Mike Scaggs, as we enter minute four of the desperate hunt for Rosa.

Thank you all so much for coming.

Best case scenario, she's either dead or in a coma.

Worst case, she's slightly mad at me or...

I didn't even get the three little bubbles that come up.

I would take that right now.

And the texts were blue.

They weren't green. They went through.

Mike, is there any message that you would like to relay to Rosa?

Yes, um, Rosa, if you can somehow hear me, I just need you to know, "'Sup? How you doing, boo-boo?"

And then I wrote, "#RelationshipGoals" and I pictured texted you an image of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, but with their faces swapped.

It was like a Photoshop joke. It was stupid.

I shouldn't have sent you anything.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I screen-grabbed it off Instagram, and I thought you'd think it's funny, and you didn't respond.

I'm so sorry.

Volunteers are rallying to find this missing girlfriend.

How's your day going, cutie?

'Sup, boo Boo?

All: 'Sup?

Boo-boo!

What's up, boo-boo?

'Sup!

Question mark!

Green alien emoji!

[groans]

I'll never forget the last thing Rosa said to me before her disappearance.

"I'll be back in an hour."

That was almost ten minutes ago.

There's still no sign of her.

Michael!

What the sh*t, man? I was just at the gym.

Excuse me.

Rosa? You're alive!

Oh, my God!

Thank you all for your support.

I'm never letting her go again.

I was so scared.

[intense music]

I was so scared.

Ugh!

Hey, we're about to start warm-up.

You ready?

Yeah, I'll be right there. I just gotta send this text.

I think I'm gonna end things with Mike tonight.

I just... I can't do it anymore. He's so clingy.

I...

What is that face?

I don't know, Rosa.

You were the one who wanted to be exclusive, and now that you are, you don't want him anymore?

I hate to say it, but think you're gonna come off like a bitch.

Ouch, Maya.

I'm not saying I think you're a bitch.

I'm just saying you might get accused of that.

Am I a bitch?

I once got into a situation like you, and I called this woman.

She's what they call "a fixer."

She makes problems go away.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

I understand.

Stay right where you are, and, Rosa, don't touch a g*dd*mn thing.

"We need to talk."

No emojis, no exclamation points.

You should have contacted me.

Does it really look that bad?

It all adds up to first degree bitch.

Listen, I want to be sure that you get me out of this.

Lady, I'm not a miracle worker, but if you do everything that I say, I think I can get the charges reduced from "bitch" to "crazy."

But I'm not crazy.

You are lucky that crazy is even on the table.

If this were Texas, you'd be looking at "aggravated [bleep]."

Oh, okay.

Do you believe in astrology?

It's not really my thing.

Damn it, Rosa.

Do you want this to work or not?

Yes, of course...

Ma'am, where do you want the cats?

It the kitchen, in the food.

Cats everywhere. Cats, cats, cats.

Hey, babe.

Hey, hon.

[clears throat]

Oh, hey, babe.

Hey, I got your text.

[cat squeals] Did you get a cat?

Um, uh, sit down.

So, uh, you texted me you wanted to talk?

Uh, I just wanted to bring you here so I could talk to you about my journey, um, and that I've been feeling really crazy.

Uh-huh.

Just really whacked out, and, uh, that moon is just pulling at my zodiac hard, and I just, um... I feel like we should...

Say no more.

I totally get it.

Oh.

We should move in together.

It's, like, you're so crazy right now.

Like, I gotta be, like, watching over you all the time, making sure you're okay, because I'm the sane one.

You know, I'll be your rock.

I knew something was up, 'cause I texted you so much...

Yeah.

And you didn't respond.

No.

And I texted your mom actually.

You did?

"What's going on with Rosa?"

And she got back to me right away, so I was like, "Maybe it doesn't run in the family."

I'm not [bleep] crazy!

You're the crazy one!

What?

You're immature, and you're possessive, and you're clingy, and you won't let me breathe.

I'm sorry, but I can't.

I can't do this, and I don't care if you think I'm a bitch, because I can't do this anymore.

It's... it's over.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, I...

Pack it up, people.

Just pack it up.

[sighs]

Uh, Mittens has worms, so you'll want to deal with that.

I wouldn't wait.

Well, which one is...

[cat meows]

So you must be relieved.

Single again, no more boyfriend to worry about.

Ugh, totally.

[whistle blows]

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

Hi. Um, one coffee, please.

Thanks.

[phone chimes]

♪ ♪

[cat meows]

♪ ♪

[phone buzzes]

[television plays indistinctly]

[woman singing in native language]