03x03 - Horse

[bunniefuu]

Dude, are you seeing this?

Those babes are totally vibing our Bozaks.

I'm gonna mack the one on the right.

You Cool with the one on the left?

Mike, I'm with Lucy.

Who?

My girlfriend, Lucy.

Hi. How you doing?

We... we're... we're dating.

Still?

Josh, step into my office.

(SIGHS) Ay.

(REGAL MUSIC)

So what do you think of my office?

It's a bit much.

Joshua, I have been advising you for years, okay?

Helping you build your sexual portfolio.

We've had some good years, some lean ones.

But I got to say, when I look at how you're currently positioned, it scares the hell out of me.

Here's what I'd recommend for a typical bro with your income and attractiveness level.

40% women at work, 40% bar hookups, and 20% ex-girlfriends.

Now here's you.

You are investing 100% of your resources into one girl.

Yeah. Yeah. I really like her.

You want my advice? Diversify.

Here, take a look at my personal breakdown.

As you can see, I have 0% in girlfriends, 10% in randos, 5% in strange, 3% in baristas, 2% in confused tourists.

Believe it or not, that has produced amazing returns lately.

Amazing returns.

Yeah. Right.

Uh, well, thank you very much, Mike, eh, but I'm very happy with Lucy.

(LIGHTER WHIRS)

Who?

My girlfriend, Lucy.

Hi, again.

Hi, again.

Oh...

(DOWN-TEMPO ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

♪ ♪

Ah!

♪ ♪

(SQUEAKS)

♪ ♪

(GROWLS)

♪ ♪

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

I don't think your friend Mike likes me very much.

What?

Yeah.

He... he likes you.

Really?

He just doesn't know you very well.

I guess... yeah, you... you could be right.

Maybe we just haven't hung out enough.

Yeah.

We should think of, like, a bonding thing we could all do together.

Yeah.

Uh, there's this bar he really likes going to.

Okay, maybe we could all go there after work?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, we're gonna be besties. I just know it.

Hi. Where's Josh?

Uh, he'll probably here really soon.

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

Goal!

So where is this place?

Uh, it's a couple doors down, then 2,000 feet into the belly of a Chilean copper mine.

(EXOTIC WOODWIND MUSIC)

♪ ♪

Oh, this place is great.

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

Goal!

Mmm, my beer's good.

The guy said it was, uh, a microbrew?

Hey, it's like, um...

Mike-ro-brew.

It's like your name's right in there.

If it was mine, it'd be Lu... Luc...

No goal.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

It's Josh! It's Josh.

Hi, are you almost here?

Well, it's official.

Life loves to throw us curveballs.

What? What are you talking about?

Oh, just got slammed with a late-in-the-day highlighter shipment.

(MEN CLAMORING)

Sorry, what?

Honey, it's really hard to hear you.

Oh, nothing. Just that I'll have to place all the yellows with the yellows by hand and the blues with the blues, et cetera, et cetera.

I won't be there for another half an hour at least.

You're not gonna be here for half an hour?

(expl*si*n, MAN SCREAMS)

(MEN SCREAMING IN SPANISH)

(MEN COUGHING)

Uh, well, it looks like it's just gonna be us for a little while.

(SIGHS) Sucks.

(SIGHS)

(EPIC MUSIC)

You're looking at the entrance to hell on Earth.

Trapped nearly half a mile beneath the surface are Mike and Lucy.

They have no food, no water, and, most importantly, no mutual friend to help make conversation.

In a last-ditch effort, rescue crews are sending conversation starters down through drilled holes.

Hey.

Wow. Awesome. Okay.

Ugh!

Oh, these are great. Okay.

What is your favorite band?

Ugh.

No? No good? Okay.

Um... do you have any siblings?

Where's Josh? Josh.

Oh, hey, this is good.

What character are you from "Sex and the City"?

'Cause I'm... I'm Charlotte.

I can't take it any longer.

(g*n COCKS) Tell Josh I love him.

Man, damn it, why is Josh always late to everything?

Huh.

Yeah, that's true.

Josh is late for everything.

Oh, my God, we're talking.

We're talking. This is good. This is so good.

This is very good. Uh, Josh stuff.

Josh stuff. More Josh stuff. Josh stuff. Um...

More Josh stuff.

(GASPS)

Oh, hey! You ever notice how Josh, um... he gets ready in the bathroom, and it takes him, like, an hour, and then when he comes out, he's un-showered in, like, a T-shirt and jeans, and you're like, "What are you... what are you doing in there... for so long?" You know?

Yeah, he does do that.

Yeah.

It's like, "What is going on in there?"

No idea. I can tell you it's not... it's not hygiene-related.

(LAUGHS)

That's kind of funny. Man, I got way more.

Okay, well, l-last night we were watching, um...

Actually, you know what? That's... I'm not gonna...

That one's really personal.

(g*n COCKS)

(GRUNTS)

(g*n CLICKS) (GRUNTS)

Ah, here she comes.

(STAMMERS)

You just have to promise not to tell anybody.

Mm-hmm.

Like, really swear.

Sure.

Okay, um... so last night, we were watching "Cool Runnings," and at the end, Josh cried so loud that I had to turn up the volume.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God. For real?

Yeah.

And then he asked me if I could hold him until he fell asleep.

Oh, man, so good. What else you got?

Um... do you know about his crippling fear of horses?

Horses? No way.

He sees one, and he gets all, like, shaky and... and sweaty, and he freaks out.

Ha! Spaz.

There's an air of optimism here, as we're being told that Mike and Lucy have found a source of conversation.

It's truly a miracle from God.

He crapped his pants? Could people tell?

Okay, well, no, except then he kept yelling, "I just crapped my pants" like, over and over and over again.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(RUMBLING)

Hey, guys.

Hey, dude.

Hey, baby.

Sorry I'm late.

Ah.

Huh, this place is kind of a dive.

Is that... is that... is that guy eating that other guy?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Should we try someplace else or...?

Sure.

Okay, yeah, let's go.

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Yep.

(HAPPY LATIN MUSIC)

(WOMAN SINGING IN SPANISH)

♪ ♪

So did you guy do okay in there without me?

Yeah. You know what? We had... we had lots of fun.

Yeah, it was cool...

Totally.

Runnings. (SNORTS)

Cool runnings. (CLEARS THROAT)

What... what does that mean?

Do you want to go to the bar?

Okay, yeah.

(GIGGLES)

(LAUGHS)

And long story short, uh, I'm not allowed to use the bathroom at any Hardee's location across North America ever again.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's intense.

I can't believe I'm telling you all this really embarrassing, private stuff about myself, you know?

I-I'm usually very, very guarded and secretive, you know?

But I just... I just... I trust you.

I can tell you anything.

I-I feel like you're a vault, you know what I mean?

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Oh, one second.

J-Josh...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Doug sent me a picture of a horse.

I hate them so much. I hate them so much.

Whew.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, he just... texted me again.

"Did I scare you?"

Huh, that's curious.

You're, like, literally the only person I've ever told about my, uh, fear of horses, so...

Huh. Hmm.

Okay. You know what? Um...

I got to split. Love you.

(LINE TRILLING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Mike...

Oh, hey, Laura.

Lucy. Still... still Lucy.

Listen, are you telling people all that stuff I told you about Josh?

Oh, yeah, big-time.

Mike, what the hell? All of that was confidential.

You swore you wouldn't say anything.

I know. But then I realized the magnitude of what you were telling me... how funny the sh*t about Josh was... and I realized I could no longer stay silent.

I had a responsibility to tell the American people.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to conduct an enormous press conference.

sh*t. sh*t.

♪ ♪

Julian Assange, Edward Snowden, and now the most controversial whistleblower yet... ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man behind Josh-i-leaks, Mike Scaggs, joining us live via satellite from an undisclosed location in Hong Kong.

Mike, why are you in hiding?

Because I fear for my safety.

Believe it or not, there are some who think what I'm doing is wrong.

And do you think what you're doing is wrong?

All I know is that the public needs to be informed, because these revelations about Josh are, like, so funny.

Like, when you hear them, you're like, "What?

That's really funny."

You know, like, that he cried during "Cool Runnings."

Wait, I-I'm sorry. Slow down.

Am I hearing you correctly?

Are you referring to the 1993 comedy "Cool Runnings"?

I am.

About those bobsled guys... the Jamaicans?

Correct.

That's a kids' movie.

Exactly.

(CROWD MURMURS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Josh... Josh, what are you doing here?

Oh, hey.

Hi.

Uh, I was looking for a bathroom, and I wandered into this international press conference.

What, uh... what... what is the subject matter?

Um, you know what? Uh, nothing.

It's... it's kind of boring. Do you want to get out of here?

You can use the bathroom next door.

I can't. It's a Hardee's.

What else can I tell you about Josh?

What the hell?

He got lost at the mall when he was 16.

Oh, in middle school, he got a boner during a clarinet recital.

Gross.

Now, Mike, I know this might potentially be putting yourself at risk, but would you be prepared at this time to do a mean impression of Josh getting a boner at that clarinet recital?

What... what... what is going on?

Um...

I can only speculate it went something like this.

(HUMMING SNAKE CHARMER MELODY)

Boing!

This theory, of course, implying that Josh is the snake charmer, charming his boner, which is the snake.

(HUMMING SNAKE CHARMER MELODY)

(WHINY VOICE) Oh, no! My boner's going into my clarinet.

It's like I'm having sex with it, and I like it.

(IMITATES SOBBING)

(NORMAL VOICE) Of course, we don't have all the information.

Of course. It's not outside the realm of possibilities.

It... it could've been more like...

(GOOFY VOICE) "Ooh! It's stuck in the clarinet.

Hey, janitor, help!"

(NORMAL VOICE) Is that...?

Yes.

How does Mike know all this stuff about me?

I'd like to thank my informant, who at this time I will not name... because I'm blanking on it, uh, but it's Josh's girlfriend.

She told me everything. (LAUGHS)

Just blabbed away.

(SCOFFS)

Hey, Josh... Josh...

How could you do that?

The entire world is laughing at me.

Because Mike told everybody, not me.

Yeah, of course Mike told everybody.

I would expect that from him, but not from you.

I trusted you.

I know. I'm...

I'm so sorry. J-Josh.

(HUMMING SNAKE CHARMER MELODY)

Anyway, peace out, queefs. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(SIGHS) (KNOCK AT DOOR)

(GROANS)

Oh, hey, uh...

Mara or...?

Lucy.

Where's Josh?

I don't know.

He's still mad at me.

(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah.

You told me all that stuff, and then I told everyone else.

(LAUGHS) So good.

All right, well, just came to pick up my "Final Battle II," so I'm out of here.

Wow, you're a real assh*le, you know that?

Whoa, where's that coming from?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to be friends with you?

Why does it matter if we're friends.

(WHISPERS) Jesus. All right, yeah, you know what?

You're probably right. It was stupid and pointless.

I don't know why I forced it.

Yeah, that was weird.

Why'd you do that?

Because you're Josh's best friend, and I love Josh.

For real? Like, even though you know all that embarrassing sh*t about him?

Of course.

That goofy stuff is part of why I love him.

Thanks to you, he hates me now.

Oh...

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(SIGHS) Here we go.

He just sent me a really cold text asking if I can meet him downtown 'cause he wants to "tell me something in person."

I'm sure it's fine. How mad can he be?

Bring out the accused!

(MOB SHOUTING)

Make way for the Lord's work.

You shouldn't have told secrets about Josh.

He opened up to you, and you broke his trust.

That's private stuff! Private stuff!

(DRUM BANGING, MOB BOOING)

Josh... Josh, can we talk about this?

I think you've talked enough.

(SIGHS)

For the high crimes of telling people I cried during "Cool Runnings," as well as telling people I got lost at the mall, as well as telling people that I crapped my pants while suspended in the air during a high-school production of "Peter Pan."

No, Josh, I didn't tell him that one.

You... you didn't?

No.

'Cause I got a text from Nikhil making fun of me for crapping my pants.

No, I told him about a different time that you crapped your pants.

Oh.

The subway?

No.

The tramway?

How many times has this happened?

(MOB MURMURS)

That doesn't... That hardly matters.

The point is I declare this woman guilty.

(MOB CHEERS)

Yeah! String her up!

Ha ha! This is happening!

Oh, this is happening!

Yes, it is.

(ARROW WHOOSHES)

(MOB GASPS)

Mike?

Oh, (BLEEP), it's a horse. Oh, man, it had to be a horse.

Sir. Hey. Hey, madam.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

I'm here to speak in this lady's defense!

(MOB GROANS)

When I first met this woman, I believed her to be very lame.

I was like, "What is this?

I don't know what's up with this."

I was also like, "Why this one?"

And given some time, I was like, "This one still? But why? What's going on here? What is this?"

Then I talked to her and hung out with her a little, and one fact shone so bright, it could not be denied.

She loves my buddy... big-time, and that is very rare.

Most girls are like, "That guy? Why?"

And also like, "No way, not him. I'd rather not."

And at times, they're like, "What is going on there? Ugh."

Anyway, this girlfriend is cool!

(MOB CHEERS)

Also, dude, it feels like you're kind of overreacting.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

You hired a hangman?

Mm.

And I had to k*ll him? That's nuts.

I'm a m*rder*r now. (STAMMERS)

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Sorry, Lucy. It's okay. I'm sorry.

(MOB CHEERING, WHISTLING)

The charges have been dropped!

(MOB CHEERS)

Wait, you... you still gonna hang someone, though, right?

Uh, no, not today.

Hey, congrats, man. You got a good one.

Thanks, I know.

Hang someone!

No.

What do you even get out of it anyway?

It's exciting.

Hey, uh, you want to grab a beer or something?

Sure. Do you want to come, Lucy?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC)

Hey, uh, looks like everyone's gonna go grab one, huh?

Very cool. Very cool.

Uh...

Yeah, do you... do you want to come?

Sure, if you insist, uh...

This turned out to be a fun evening.

Want to know something?

What's that?

You guys are my best friends.

Oh, that's... that's cool.

Aw, that's really nice.

That's, you know...

Yeah.

(MUSIC THUMPING)

Dude, are you seeing this?

Hmm?

Those babes are totally vibing my Bozak.

Should I mack the one on the right or the left?

Uh, I feel like the one on the right is more your type.

Yeah, what do you think, Lucy?

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, definitely the one on the right.

Plus, the one on the left has a wedding ring.

Both: Whoa.

Got an insider working for us here.

Wish me luck.

That's really nice what you did for your friend there.

You think you could help me find a man?

Yeah. Totally, Methelda.

Uh, what about that guy right there?

Oh, he looks like a screamer.

Mm-mm.

Right.

Well, there's also that guy. I mean, he seems cool.

Ooh, he's got a thick neck. Looks like a defecator.

All right, so, just to be clear, are you looking for a guy more for, like... for dating or more...

Hanging! (LAUGHS)

Right.

Got ya.

Lots of these guys... now that I'm looking... could be potential hangers.

Someone here had to do something wrong, right?

Hey, you ever notice how we always talk about hanging?

Yeah.

Ooh, I'm sorry.

You know what? I brought some conversation starters, too.

Oh.

Which "Sex and the City" character would you be?

I'm a Samantha, believe it or not.

Yeah, I gue... I guess that makes sense... of the four.

Let me go to this next one.

What's your favorite form of execution?

Both: Methelda!

(LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪ Living and laughing, loving and a-learning ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Moving and grooving and sometimes there's a hanging ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The chips may be down ♪
♪ But everything is looking up, up, up, up ♪
♪ It's "The Methelda Show" ♪

All: ♪ It's "The Methelda Show" ♪

♪ It's "The Methelda Show" ♪

"The Methelda Show" was filmed in front of a live studio audience.