03x07 - Bagel

[bunniefuu]

What's this bar we're going to tonight?

Eh, some place Liz picked.

Yeah, you know the address?

Uh, she texted it to me.

It's just in my phone there.

Thanks, bro.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

"Preparing for a**l sex." Dude!

[stammers] Whoa, no, no, no.

That's... that's a very... that's personal.

Are you and Lucy thinking about...

It's just between us, so...

Joshua!

I am so proud of you, man.

[chuckles] Thanks.

I mean, it's just something we're talking about vaguely.

Shh, shh, shh, this is my best friend taking the big leap with the woman he loves.

I-I always knew this day would come.

I just didn't know when.

Thanks, man.

[laughs]

It just... the timing just feels right.

You know? I just... I can't picture doing it with anyone else, so...

OMG.

Look at me. I got goose bumps all over.

[laughs]

So, what, you did the whole "ask the dad" thing?

What?

No.

Dude, you have to ask the dad for his blessing. It's tradition.

Yeah?

I mean, it just seems kind of like a personal thing with Lucy and me.

No.

Dude, asking the dad is classy.

Trust me. Any chick would back me up.

Ask Liz.

No!

I-I don't wanna ask my sister about this.

First of all, mazel.

Secondly, Josh is right.

Asking for her father's permission is sexist and outdated.

Exactly.

I mean, it's... it's kind of creepy, right?

It's totally creepy.

If Lucy wants to take this step with you, it is up to her.

You don't need to beg an old man's approval.

See?

Thank you.

Now, that said...

Oh, no.

Mm.

Aren't her parents kind of old-fashioned?

Kinda.

Then you have to ask.

Yes.

[glasses clink]

Oh, good day, Mr. Parker.

How are you?

I see you looking at my r*fle.

Yeah.

Can't blame you. She's a beauty.

Lethal, but a beauty. Yes, sir.

Take care of your r*fle, it'll take care of you.

I learned that in the Marines.

Oh.

You learn a lot in the Marines.

You learn to k*ll, to end life.

You learn what it's like to see the light go out in a man's eyes moments after you sh*t him close up.

In a way, you learn to love it.

Uh, yeah, that's, uh, neat. Uh, thank you for your service.

Have a seat.

Let's hear it, Josh. What can I do ya for?

Well, um, Mr. Parker, uh, as... as I'm sure you know, I-I care a great deal for your daughter.

I'm... I'm crazy about her. I... I love her.

I love her with everything in me, and, uh, I-I would very much like if, um... sorry.

[exhales]

Um... it... it would... it would make me the happiest man... in the world, um, if I could have a**l sex with your daughter.

Mr. Parker, cou... did you hear what I said or...

[thump]

You dare come in here, into my home, ask me that, and not call me Dad?

Oh!

[laughs]

Josh, course, you have my blessing.

Oh, my God, thank you too, sir.

Hey, Carolyn, get in here!

Did he ask the question?

Just now.

Oh, my God.

[chuckles]

I had a feeling that you would.

Oh, yeah... [laughs]

God, that was brave of you, son.

Really brave. Yes, I remember when I had to ask Carolyn's father.

Boy, I was nervous. Sweating b*ll*ts.

Yeah.

He grilled me.

Josh, can you call us the minute you do it?

Oh, absolutely.

And if you could possibly, possibly manage it, pictures.

Yeah, of course, Mrs. Parker.

For Pete's sakes, call me Carolyn.

You're about to [bleep] my daughter in [bleep] till your [bleep] falls off.

[laughter]

Oh, and, uh...

I-I would also like to ask, uh, Lucy to marry me.

Oh, cool.

Whatever.

Go for it.

[downtempo electronic music]

Ah!

♪ ♪

[squeaks]

♪ ♪

[growls]

♪ ♪

Here you are, sir.

[gasps]

There it is. That's the one.

Ah, thank you so much for your help.

You truly are a master of jewels.

[chuckles]

I can't believe I'm finally gonna ask her to marry me.

You got something big planned?

I got a little something up my sleeve for this weekend.

Good for you. So many guys blow it.

Uh-huh.

You know, you only get one sh*t at a romantic moment like this.

Yep.

One sh*t for the rest of your life.

Yeah, I'm aware. Can I just have the bag?

You know, the last thing you wanna do is squander it.

I really think you're being overly dramatic.

Uh, it's not that much pressure.

[dramatic music]

Male narrator: In the most anticipated event of the year, it's all... been leading... up... to... this.

"Josh's Proposal." Coming this weekend.

[cheers and applause]

crowd: Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh!

Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh!

How cool was that?

[cheers and applause]

Well, we have a special guest with us today.

He's a guy we all know is gonna knock this proposal out of the park.

Please welcome Josh!

[cheers and applause]

Oh, holy sh*t.

I love you! I love you!

Josh, buddy, uh, can you leak anything about the proposal this weekend?

Uh, give us some spoilers. I mean, we need to know how it's going down.

I don't know if I should.

Just tell us a little something.

All right, okay.

Maybe... maybe I could just, you know, divulge a wee bit of info.

Yeah?

You know... yeah.

Well, this is amazing.

All right, uh, two words: low-key.

Uh, so the plan is to surprise Lucy at breakfast.

[microphone feedback]

Uh, I'm gonna make her, uh, eggs and pecan pancakes, uh, which is her favorite, uh, breakfast.

Uh, uh, when she's done eating, uh, said breakfast, I'll ask her, uh, "Do you want seconds?"

And when she goes, "Yeah,"

I'll give her a plate with the ring on it, and I'll go, "Hope you like carats."

Because, uh, you know, carrots are a vegetable that you could eat, but it also re... refers to the caliber of the diamonds.

Yeah.

What?

Okay, I guess we'll open it up to questions.

Yeah, hi!

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, hi.

Hi, I came from Tampa.

Oh, cool.

400 miles.

I drove.

Well, uh, thank you for making the trip up.

Uh, this proposal... is... it's not good.

[audience murmurs]

It's poorly conceived.

It's a sad rehash of 1,000 proposals I've seen before.

I think we can all say it's... it's a let down.

Oh, well, I mean, I just... obviously, I disagree.

Bungee jumping, skydiving, flash mob, these are all better ideas than your idea and I just came up with them off the top of my head.

Who green-lit this, huh?

Jar Jar Binks dickhole?

Listen. I'm doing the best I can.

Doesn't feel like that.

It feels like the Holocaust.

Hey. Whoa.

You are ruining millions of people's lives.

Oh, I see.

[scattered applause]

I mean, this is bullshit!

[cheers and applause]

As much as I agree with you...

What?

I think you better sit down.

Yeah, I think you should sit down.

That's a good idea 'cause I like to sit down when I get [bleep].

[crowd cheering]

There's a kitchen nearby.

Yeah?

I'd sneak out through there.

Understood.

Yeah. I'll cover for you.

Go.

Okay.

Pecan pancakes and eggs.

[chuckles]

You are so sweet for cooking.

Oh, of course, yeah.

I love you.

Thank you.

I'll do the dishes.

I... uh, thanks.

Uh... cool, cool.

[stammering]

Lucy, there's something that's been on my mind, uh, as of late.

What's up?

I... think we should, uh...

Hm?

Get a dishwasher.

Sure.

Maybe. I don't know.

But, uh...

[garbage disposal grinding]

So, okay, I tried putting the ring in, like, a fortune cookie, but it doesn't fit.

It breaks every single time. Just crumbles.

Josh, relax. You're overthinking this.

I don't think I am. I get one sh*t at this.

One sh*t at this. I don't wanna mess it up.

Move on. You'll be fine.

Honestly, I think you're putting way too much time into this.

I just figure, what's the rush, right?

It's not like Lucy suspects anything.

[playful dramatic music]

Watson, we have a case.

A case! Oh!

Is it missing jewels?

A curious string of poisoned widows?

It's something far more exhilarating.

I suspect Josh Greenberg is going to propose to me.

By Jove!

However did you come to such a conclusion?

Clues, dear Watson, clues.

Clues which to an untrained mind may appear meaningless, but to my intelligent girlfriend brain, the signs are all quite apparent.

Let us first consider, two weeks ago I found a mysterious crumpled shopping bag from a nearby jeweler in our trash can.

That bag could be for anything.

Perhaps Josh simply bought you a random present.

Watson, Josh doesn't buy me random presents.

He has very little income and he's incredibly cheap.

He would only part with his money if it was absolutely societally necessary.

Therefore, I can only conclude that he purchased... an engagement ring.

[laughs] By Jove.

An inspired deduction.

There were other subtle clues as well.

Pray tell, pray tell.

Last week, I walked in on our very own Joshua practicing getting down on one knee.

That's not so subtle.

Yeah, I know.

He told me he was practicing doing, um, lunges for a marathon that he signed up for, but he doesn't run.

Like, not at all, so...

Hm.

Then... this morning, I watched Josh hide the ring in our underwear drawer.

You saw the ring?

Yeah, he actually didn't even check to see if I was in the room, he just, like, took it out, and I was right there, um, and then when he saw me he said, "Lucy, hey.

How was your ring... day? I meant, how was your day?

How was your engagement day? sh*t."

That one's hard to miss.

Yeah.

Mm.

Kinda.

It's not my most challenging case.

I suppose the real mystery isn't if Josh will propose.

It's when.

[cell phone chimes]

Sorry about this.

Of course, it'll be tonight, and what better place than the wine bar where we had our first date?

Oh, by Jove!

It's all coming together, Watson.

There's so much to do. There's so much to prepare.

Watson, the game is afoot!

Ha, ha!

[soft music]

Is this the wine we had on our first date?

Ye... yes it is, yep.

Oh.

Gosh, and here we are again, huh?

Just, uh... just full circle.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Yep, mm-hmm.

[chuckles softly]

[clears throat]

Oh, are you getting sick?

No.

No, no, I was just... I was clearing my... my, um... my throat.

[laughs nervously]

Yeah, I love doing that. That's such a neat feeling.

[metal clatters]

Ah, Jesus, sorry, sorry.

I didn't mean to, uh...

Josh...

[sighs] I'm sorry, I didn't...

Josh, hey, hey.

[groans]

Sweetie.

Relax. Everything's perfect.

Lucy, there's something I need to tell you.

[sighs]

Um...

[sighs]

Yeah?

Yeah.

[exhales slowly]

I have to go to the bathroom.

Okay.

Just, uh... yep.

Hold a... put a pin... pin in that.

Okay.

[door closes]

[exhales]

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

[high-pitched] Hi.

Yeah.

So...

So...

Hector.

Yeah, uh, hmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Wine's good. It's very grape-y.

Yeah. Yeah, it is... it is that, yeah.

In a word.

Mm-hmm.

[groans softly]

Oof.

So...

So?

I should get the bill, I think, and... you and I can call it a night.

Sure.

So, you know, if we hurry, I think we can catch the bus.

I actually think I'm gonna go for a walk.

Uh, how come?

I don't know.

I need some air.

Okay, wa... wait.

I can walk with you.

I'll see you at home, Josh.

Okay.

[playful dramatic music]

So we have a new mystery, Watson.

Oh.

Why didn't Josh propose tonight?

He had everything.

Motive, opportunity...

It was probably just nerves.

Mm-mm, nope. That's not it.

He didn't propose 'cause he didn't want to.

'Cause I... I suck.

Oh, no, I would not make such a bold conclusion.

Mm-hmm, I have a weird nose and split ends and I don't play an instrument.

I don't pay attention to current events, and I'm a sad, weird, annoying girl and I wouldn't wanna marry me either.

There we go. Mystery solved. Case closed.

It seems your powers of deduction are clouded by insecurity.

He was clearly nervous.

Shut the [bleep] up, Watson, you stupid sack of sh*t!

What do you even do?

If I fired you right now, what would it say on your résumé?

"Sat around and said dumb sh*t all day?

I'm Watson."

[cackles mockingly] "By Jove, by Jove.

I've got my d*ck stuck in a bottle."

[cackles mockingly]

[crying]

Are you crying?

I'm scared.

Oh, my God, dude... [scoffs]

You are so fired.

[groans]

[blaster f*ring]

[door opens]

Hey, hey, hey. Where... where were you?

I was... I was worried.

[scoffs]

Wait.

What's that?

Listen.

If you don't wanna marry me just... just say so.

How... how did you know that I was...

You're not exactly a criminal mastermind, Josh.

[quietly] I-I... yikes.

I've known for weeks, and then you didn't propose, and then I thought tonight with the... the stuff, and now I feel like an idiot.

No... okay, I'm... I'm sorry.

Tonight I hesitated.

Yeah, right.

Well, maybe there's a reason you're hesitating.

Maybe you don't wanna marry me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Lucy, I do want to marry you.

If you really wanted to propose, Josh, you would have done it already.

Well, excuse me for trying to be romantic, all right.

There's a lot of pressure.

I-I just... I just want the timing to be right.

How about right now?

Does right now work for you as a time?

Because I wouldn't want to interrupt your video game!

Right now is the perfect time.

Good.

That's a great hiding place. The couch where we never sit.

Well, here I am, and, uh, dear Lucy, blah, blah, blah. Will you marry me?

Oh, Josh, yeah. It would be an honor.

both: Great!

[door slams]

[soft dramatic music]

Josh, are you sleeping?

No.

I'm... I'm sorry about last night.

No, I'm... I'm sorry.

That... that was the worst proposal ever.

Yep.

We had our, uh, one sh*t at a big, once-in-a-lifetime moment and we blew it.

Yep. [laughs softly]

What... what do we do now?

[sighs]

I could really go for, like, an egg and cheese bagel.

Hmm.

[gentle electric guitar music]

[clears throat]

Lucille Montgomery Parker, will you please go for an egg and cheese bagel with me?

Yeah, I would love to.

Hey, you know, we're right next to that sunglasses place we like.

Joshua Howard Greenberg, will you go to that sunglasses place we like?

It would be my honor.

[laughs softly]

Here we go.

Ready?

[both humming]

[camera clicks]

Very attractive.

[laughs]

That was super, super attractive.

Wanna smoke a joint and go to the movies with me?

Yes, I do.

Yeah.

[both laugh]

Hey, hey, hey, um, do you wanna go to that record store where they have a really good jazz section and then leave when we remember we don't like jazz?

I would love to.

You wanna sit in comfortable silence while I read a magazine and you read an actual book?

That sounds nice.

Hey, um... will you keep me company while I brush my teeth and tell me all the interesting things you've read on the Internet lately?

Yes.

And that's why self-driving cars are right around the corner.

Will you always be my best friend?

Always.

♪ ♪
♪ You know the way to my heart ♪

So have you worked in the food industry before?

No, but I am a very desperate man.

My last employer fired me rather suddenly.

Whoa, is this part right?

It says here under "education" that you're a doctor?

Yes, yes, that's correct. Dr. Watson.

[chuckles]

But wait.

Under work experience it just says, "Sat around and said dumb sh*t all day" for, like, decades.

Yes. [clears throat]

Well, I-I guess you can be the janitor.

So here's the situation: some guy really wrecked it in there.

I mean, he wrecked it.

Our last guy, Hector, took one look, and he quit.

He hightailed it back to El Salvador.

It's been two weeks and the smell hasn't exactly gotten worse, it's just changed.

I'll let you get started.

By Jove.