01x26 - The Beast that Shouted 'I' at the Heart of the World

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Neon Genesis". Aired: October 4, 1995 - March 27, 1996.*
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Anime series centers on a teenage boy recruited by a paramilitary organization named NERV to control a giant cyborg called an Evangelion to fight monstrous beings known as Angels.
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01x26 - The Beast that Shouted 'I' at the Heart of the World

Post by bunniefuu »

Like a cruel angel

Become a legend, young boy

When a blue wind
Knocks on the door to your heart

You just gaze back at me
And smile oh so gently

So eager for something
You touch so softly

Those innocent eyes
Know nothing of the fate that awaits

But one day, you will realize
That upon your back

You have wings
You can fly to the faraway future

The cruel angel's thesis

One day, you'll take off through a window

If your overflowing pathos

Leads you to betray your memories

Then embrace the heavens and shine bright

Become legend, young boy

IN THE YEAR 2016 A.D.

THE INSTRUMENTALITY

OF WHAT PEOPLE HAD LOST, THAT IS,
OF THE HEART, WAS UNDERWAY

HOWEVER, IT WOULD TAKE FAR TOO LONG
TO DEPICT ALL SUCH EVENTS

WE WILL THEREFORE FOCUS ON
THE INSTRUMENTALITY OF

THE HEART BELONGING
TO THE BOY SHINJI IKARI

THE CASE OF SHINJI IKARI

TERROR

Terror that I'll disappear.

But I also feel like it would be fine
if someone like me disappeared.

Why's that?

Because I'm a human being
that nobody wants.

I knew it, I'm an unwanted child.

I don't matter at all!

You're running away by thinking
you don't matter, aren't you?

You're afraid of failing, aren't you?

You're afraid of being hated, aren't you?

You're afraid to look at
your weak self, aren't you?

But you do exactly
the same thing, Ms. Misato!

That's right. We're all like that.

Something inside our hearts is missing.

-It terrifies us.
-It makes us anxious.

That's why we're trying
to merge into one now.

We're trying to make each other whole.

That's what
the Instrumentality Project does.

People can't survive unless
they're part of a group.

People cannot live all on their own.

Even though, in the end, we are all alone.

That's why life is painful.

That's why life is lonely.

That's what drives us to embrace
another heart, another body.

We want to become one.

Man is made of weak, fragile stuff.

Our hearts and bodies
are made of weak, fragile stuff.

So we must make each other whole
using instrumentality.

WHY?

Because if we don't,
we won't be able to survive.

IS THAT TRUE?

Why are you alive?

I DON'T KNOW.

Because I want to find out why, I guess.

Who do you live for?

For myself, of course.

Probably for myself.

IS THAT TRUE?

Are you happy to be alive?

I don't know.

Are you happy to be alive?

Of course I'm happy!

Are you happy to be alive?

I only want to do things that I enjoy.

Do you hate being lonely?

I don't like it.

You don't like being hurt?

I don't like it.

That's why you run away?

That's right. What's wrong with
running away from hurt and pain?!

Don't run away.

Why shouldn't you run away?

It hurts when you run away.

Even though you ran away
from painful things?

It was painful!

If you've figured out what's painful,
that's a win, right?

Right. If something is painful,
it's okay to run away.

If you really don't want to do something,
it's okay to run away.

But I don't want to! I'm sick of running!

Right... I shouldn't run away.

That's because you sense that running
away will only bring even more pain.

You learned how much it hurts to run.

That's why you don't want
to run away, isn't it?

Well, if I run away,
no one will talk to me anymore.

Don't abandon me!
I'm begging you, don't abandon me!

He does whatever he's told.
That's how he makes his life easier.

That's right! If I don't,
I'll be abandoned again.

You're afraid that you'll
be hurt, aren't you?

You've just gotten that
into your head, haven't you?

You're not the only one
who gets hurt, Shinji.

You think you're the only one
with problems?

You just think that way because
it makes things easier for you.

Shut up! That has nothing to do with this!

I don't matter to anyone or anything!

There you go again,
denying your own worth right off the bat.

Because I don't have any.

There you go again,
telling yourself that you're worthless!

If you think that way and do nothing,
you won't be hurt.

You keep yourself going
by being praised by others!

Nobody accepts me...

You just tell yourself that, that's all.

That's why I need to pilot the Eva.

You just convinced yourself that you've
never had any worth from the very get-go!

But I have to do that!

That's not true.

You just tell yourself that, man!

No. I'm worthless.
I don't have anything to be proud of.

That's why I pilot the Eva!

Piloting the Eva lets me stay who I am.

Piloting the Eva lets me stay who I am.

Before I piloted my Eva,
there was nothing special about me.

I can only stay here
because I pilot my Eva!

Because I don't have anything else!

Because I don't have anything else.

I don't have anything. Nothing at all.

MY LIFE'S VALUE

Is zero.

THAT'S WHY

I hate myself.

I hate you! I hate you! I hate your guts!

I can't freaking stand you!

I hate you, man.

I'm sorry, but I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you. So very much.

I hate you, you know that?

I can't stand you!

See? That's what everybody thinks.

I'm sure they're thinking that!

Aren't you just convincing
yourself that they do?

No! I know they are,
because I even hate myself!

So you assume that
everyone else does, too.

I hate you! I hate you! I hate your guts!

But they praise me!

When I pilot the Eva, they praise me!

People praised me!

THAT MAKES ME HAPPY

They praised me!

BUT I'M NOT HAPPY

Which one is how you really feel?

I don't know.

No, they're both how I really feel.

So that's why you pilot the Eva.

Because all I have right now is the Eva.

You have no identity outside of
being a pilot, do you?

It's true, Eva-01 is a part of your heart.

But if you become dependent on it,
the Eva will dictate who you are.

Your identity will be defined
entirely in terms of the Eva.

Who you really are
will fade away and disappear.

That's fine! I never had
anything else to begin with!

I mean, all that cello practice
didn't lead to anything.

You never did anything
on your own initiative, that's all!

But right now, I can pilot an Eva!

Before long, you'll find yourself being
unable to do anything without it.

Just like me.

WHY DO YOU PILOT THE EVA?

Because that's all there is to me.

Rain.

A melancholy feeling.
Just like how I feel right now.

I don't like it.

The setting sun.

Fading life. I wish for that.

I don't like it.

Morning.

The beginning of today.
The beginning of an awful day.

I don't like it.

A blue sky.

Something that's warm.
Something that's unfamiliar.

Something that scares me.
Something I don't want.

I don't like it.

I hate everybody! I hate you all!

What do you wish for?

YOU'RE AFRAID OF ANXIETY?

What do you want?

YOU WANT SOLACE?

What are you looking for?

Don't hate me!

I'm afraid of...

REJECTION

What I want is...

CONTACT AND ACCEPTANCE

Is it okay for me to stay next to you?

It is okay for me to be here?

Do you love me?

DO YOU LOVE

YOUR MOTHER?

Do you want to go see Mommy?

I don't want to go.

Aren't you going to go see Father?

I don't want to go.

Why not?

I'M AFRAID

Because I'm afraid of being hated.

Because I might cease to exist.

THAT'S WHY?

What do you wish for?

RELIEF FROM ANXIETY

What are you looking for?

RELIEF FROM LONELINESS

You aren't wishing for happiness?

Before I can be happy, I want something.

I want to be valuable!

So valuable that no one will abandon me,
and everyone will take care of me!

I WANT VALUE

That's something
that only you can give yourself.

Your own worth.

SO I PILOT THE EVA

I have no worth.

I'm not valuable enough to go on living.

What are you, then?

What am I, then?

What the heck am I?!

This... it's me!

The shape that I show to others.

The symbol for me.

So is this, and this, and this!

They're all just things that represent me!

Nothing but things
that let people recognize me!

What am I, then?

WHERE AM I?

This is me. The real me?

The false me?

You are you.

But there is a boundary between you
and the scope of what it means to be you.

That's right!

My clothes. My shoes.

My room.

They're all elements of who I am.

They're all things that are connected
to your consciousness.

The thing I perceive to be myself is me.

In the end, am I nothing but myself?

But I don't know who I am.

Where am I?

What am I?

What the heck am I?

AND SO, YOU WISH TO
CLOSE OFF YOUR HEART

Nobody understands me!

Are you stupid or something?!
Of course they don't!

Nobody can possibly understand you!

The only person who can console you
and truly understand you

is you yourself.

So you need to take care of yourself.

You say that, but there's no real me!

I don't understand myself!

So how can I take care of myself?!

YOU'RE ANXIOUS

I can see that you're anxious.

About who you are now.

About the people around you.

About the environment that surrounds you.

But none of those things last forever.

Time is endlessly flowing onwards.

Your world is made up of
continuous change.

Most importantly,
the world can change at any moment

based on what you're feeling.

What's this?

A blank world? A world with no one in it?

A world of freedom!

Freedom?

A world of freedom
where there is nothing to restrain you.

This is freedom?

That's right. A free world.

But that means it is completely empty.

Unless I think of something?

Yes. Unless you think of something.

But that's...
I don't know what I should do!

-It makes you uneasy, doesn't it?
-You can't visualize yourself.

It's all too vague.

It's a world that's completely undefined.

THAT IS FREEDOM

It's a world where you can do anything.

But you're filled with anxiety.

You don't know what to do, is that it?

What should I do?

I'll give you a constraint.

There. Now you have up and down.

But you've lost one degree of freedom.

You have to stand on the ground now.

But you feel safer.

Because your heart feels
a little more at ease.

So you try walking.

You're willing this to happen.

Me? I'm willing this?

This world where the ground exists
is the world around you.

But the thing is, you can still
move around however you want.

If you wanted to, you could change
the orientation of the world.

And at the same time, the orientation
of the world isn't constant.

It changes along with the passage of time.

You yourself are also capable of changing.

Because what gives you shape is your
own heart and the world around you.

After all, this is your world.

This is the shape of reality
as perceived by you.

THAT IS REALITY

This... is an empty space.

A world that's empty.

A world that's empty of everything but me.

I'm starting to become indistinct.

I feel myself disappearing.

The being that is me is fading away.

"WHY?"

That's because no one is here but you.

Because I'm alone.

If nothing exists outside of yourself,
you can't determine your own shape.

My own shape...

MY SELF IMAGE?

Yes. You learn your own shape
by observing the shapes of others.

You visualize your own shape by seeing
the wall between "self" and "other".

You can't see yourself
unless others are there with you.

But that means it's other people
that let me be myself!

If a person is alone,
they're alone no matter where they go!

The whole world is just me!

You take shape through recognizing
how you are different from others.

The first "other" is your mother.

Your mother is a person who is not you.

Right... I'm me.

But at the same time, it's true that other
people make up parts of my heart!

That's right, Shinji Ikari.

So you finally figured it out?

Idiot Shinji!

So you're finally awake, Idiot Shinji?

Oh, it's just you, Asuka...

What do you mean "just me"?!

I come over every morning to wake you
so you won't be late for school!

Is that how you thank
your childhood friend?

Sure, thanks...

So just let me sleep
a little while longer...

Don't be such a slacker!

Get your butt out of bed this instant!

Pervert! Jerk! Sleazebag!
I can't believe you!

I can't help it! It's morning!

Honestly, that Shinji...

Asuka is so thoughtful,
coming over every morning.

He should show some appreciation.

Mm.

And you! Put down that paper
and get ready for work!

Mm.

For Heaven's sake, you're a grown man,
and you're no different from Shinji!

Are you ready to go?

Yes, I'm waiting on you.

Look, I'm the one that Prof. Fuyutsuki
scolds when we're late for meetings!

Because you're so irresistible.

Enough with the nonsense! Go get changed!

Mm.

Whatever you say, Yui.

Come on, hurry it up!

Okay, okay!
Geez, you're such a nag, Asuka!

What did you call me?!

Okay, Mrs. Ikari! We're off to school!

See you tonight, Mom.

Sure! Have a nice day at school!

Honey! Get your nose
out of that newspaper!

Mm. Whatever you say, Yui.

They say another transfer student
is starting today!

No surprise!

This city's gonna be the new capital
starting next year, after all.

More and more people will be coming.

I guess you're right.

I wonder what she'll be like.
I hope she's cute!

I'm late, I'm late!

I'll be in the doghouse forever
if I'm late on my first day!

Ow!

Ow...

Sorry! I was in a big hurry!

Honest, I'm real sorry!

What?! So you got a look at
this chick's panties?!

It wasn't really a look.
More of a glimpse.

The day's just started,
and you're lucking out already!

Ow!

What's the big idea, Class Rep?

Suzuhara! The day's just started,
and you're already spouting garbage!

Go change the water in the vase!
You're on duty this week, remember?

-Geez, you're such a nag!
-What did you call me?!

Tohji's totally the type
who's gonna be whipped.

Like you're any different.

What makes you say
I'm the type who will be whipped?

All I did was lay out the truth.

-Come on, why?
-Have you looked in the mirror?!

You're always like this, Asuka!

Ah... Life is peaceful.

It's Miss Misato!

Man, is Miss Misato a babe or what?

Just look at the Idiot Trio!
They act like idiots!

All rise! Bow!

Be seated!

Rejoice, boy students!

Here is the new transfer student
everyone's been talking about!

I'm Rei Ayanami! Nice to meet you!

You! You're that panty peeper
from this morning!

Hey! Enough with the false accusations!
You deliberately gave Shinji a peep show!

What's your deal?
How come you're jumping to his defense?

You two an item or something?

We're childhood friends, that's all!
You're got a big mouth, you know that?

Hey, class has started! Be quiet!

Actually, this looks like fun!
I want to see how this plays out!

Feel free to continue!

I get it, this is another possible world.

A possibility that's inside me.

The me that I am now
isn't the entirety of what I am.

Different versions of me might exist.

Oh, right! There could even be
a me that isn't an Eva pilot!

If you think of it that way,
this real world isn't such a bad place.

The real world might not be so bad.
But I do hate myself.

It's your heart that perceives reality
as being ugly and painful.

Your heart, which is interpreting
reality as being the truth.

How you see reality,
how you interpret it...

The slightest changes in those
leads to huge changes in your heart.

There are as many truths
as there are people.

But there's only one truth for you.

Built from a myopic worldview using
information altered to protect yourself...

It's a contrived truth.

A worldview that one person can hold
in their head don't amount to much.

But people can only measure things
based on their own little yardstick.

People try to see the world using only
truths that have been handed to them.

Sunny days are cheerful.

Rainy days are depressing.

You start to assume that's the case
because others tell you so.

But fun things can also happen
on rainy days.

A change in how one small detail is
interpreted can transform everything.

The truth within each of us
is a fragile thing.

That's pretty much all that
human truth amounts to.

That's what drives us
to seek out a deeper truth.

You're simply not used to
being liked by others.

So you don't have to worry about
what others think all the time.

But... doesn't everybody hate me?

What are you, an idiot? You've just gotten
that into your head on your own!

But I really do hate myself.

People who hate themselves

can never be capable of loving
or trusting others.

I'm a sneak. And a coward.

And dishonest. And a weakling.

If you understand yourself,
you can be kinder to yourself, right?

I hate who I am.

But maybe I can learn
to like myself one day!

Maybe it's okay for me to be here!

Right... The only person I can be is me.

I'm me. I want to be myself!

I want to be here!

It's okay for me to be here!

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Congrats, buddy!

Way to go, man!

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Congratulations.

Thank you.

TO FATHER, THANK YOU

TO MOTHER, GOODBYE

AND TO ALL THE CHILDREN,

CONGRATULATIONS
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