01x19 - Good Grief

[Brian's bed. Brian is in themiddle of a hot threesome. So, basically, these two guysare all over Brian, while he lounges on his bed, eyesclosed, breathing heavily. The phone's ringing. FinallyGuy One stops chewing on Brian's neck long enough to ask]

Guy#1: Are you going to get that?

Brian: What?

[He listens, and then, closes his eyes.]

Brian: When? Yeah, I'll be right there.

Guy#2: Everything okay?

Brian: Yes, somebody died.

Guy#1: Oh, my god.

Guy#2: Really sorry.

Guy#1: You mean, we should go?

Brian: Who told you to stop?

[Liberty Diner. Ted, Emmett, andMike are having breakfast.]

Emmett: Who would you sleep with? The Professor orGilligan?

Ted: Easy, the Professor because of his crisp shirts.

Emmett: How he suppose to kept them so crisp on a desertisland. I can't find one in Pittsburgh. Fred Flintstoneor Barney Rubble?

Michael: Mmmh, is it for relationship or for s*x?

Emmett: One night only.

Michael: I would to go with Fred, because he's a totalbear.

[Emmett and Ted snort in laughter]

Michael: Okay, Mr. Roper or Mr. Furley?

Emmett: I'm goona go with Mr.Roper, but only because Ihave an aversion to loud colors on anyone except me.

[Brian saunters in, and reposes on the booth seat rightin front of them, closest to the camera. Justin walks upto The Boys' table]

Brian: Leap coffee.

Emmett: Well, someone was up f*cking until the wee hours.

Justin: Was he cuter than me?

[Brian checks his watch]

Brian: What are you doin' here?

Justin: I picked up an extra shift before first period.I'm saving up to go for the White Party.

Emmett: Well, my, aren't you two raising him well.

Ted: Oh, want anyone see that new Matt Damon movie. Iread in a chat room last night that there's a dick shotin it. It's brief, but nothing the less dick.

Emmett: Yeah, totally.

Michael: [to Brian] What about you?

Brian: I can't. I have family stuff.

Michael: What, is your sister fighting with herex-husband again?

Brian: My Dad died.

Michael: Your dad?

Ted: When?

Brian: Yesterday.

Justin: I'm really sorry.

Brian: He was sick, it was time.

Justin: But he's your dad.

Brian: I said, I'm fine!

[Ted, Emmett, and Mike just kind of look at each otheruncomfortably.]

[Male bodies dive into a pool andundulate to the surface, before taking massive, slo-mostrokes in the water. Cut to Justin and Daphne danglingtheir feet in the pool, watching the swimmers go by.]

Justin: If my dad died I donnu know what I'm do.

Daphne: Me neither. How old was he?

Justin: Sixty?

Daphne: Ancient.

Justin: Sixty's not ancient. They say kids born today aregoing to live past 100. Can you imagine having s*x whenyou're a hundred?

Daphne: I can't imgaine it doin' now.

Justin: Check out Kevin Chase. What do you think?

Daphne: Total hottie.

Justin: And he's got a huge dick.

Daphne: How do you know?

Justin: Gym class does have his perks. What about GregMatthews?

Daphne: Uh-huh. He's got akne.

Justin: Yeah, but a hot ass.

Daphne: What about Glen Reeves?

[Cut to a strapping although very pale young lad, shakinghis hair like a wet dog.]

Justin: He's okay.

Daphne: Just okay?

Justin: He's kind of adorable. Yeah, he's totallyadorable. And, you know, I've always gotten thiscloseted-homo vibe from him...yeah, I bet with enoughbeers and the right music, we would totally be doing it.

Daphne: I didn't know.

[Glen walks up to them and grins down at Daphne]

Glen: Hey, you!

[Daphne jumps up and gives him a hug and a kiss. Justin'smouth drops open more than usual, so he can fit hisentire foot in it. Glen is, like, the tallesteighteen-year-old in the world.]

Daphne: Hey Glen, you look great.

Justin: What's goin' on?

Daphne: Gotcha!

Glen: Wanna come to my place and study?

Daphne: Actually I was suppose to study at Justin's. CanI give you a rain check and get up?

Justin: Sure.

[Babylon! It's Police Night, sothat means go-go dancers in hats, blue shirts, and blackjockstraps humping each other on the raised platforms.Yawn. Brian trips down the stairs, finds Mike and Emmettat the bar, glances around]

Brian: f*ck! It's a hot crowd, tonight.

Michael: Brian, you shouldn't be here!

Brian: Yeah, where else I should be?

Emmett: At your mom's, planning your dad's funeral?

Brian: He's practically buried.

Ted: Well, it's reassuring to know that neither rain norsnow can keep you from your appointed rounds.

Brian: Consistency is a rare virtue, especially in theseuncertain times.

Michael: Look, if you need anything..

Emmett: Running ads...

Ted: Make you calls...

Brian: It's taking care of.

[Brian walks into the Back Room of s*x. He exchanges TheLook with one guy, but it doesn't take. Brian keepswalking, past people engaged in blowjobs, rimming, and

videos of people engaged in blowjobs and rimming. Brianwanders around some more possibly searching for a plot.Brian spots a nice young gentleman with a well-muscledchest, and as a non-verbal cue, takes off his shirt.Chest Guy strides over and starts sucking on the areaimmediately in front of Brian's crotch. All of a sudden,Mikey appears, just like old times.]

Michael: What do you doin'?

Brian: I'm looking for a forth on bridge.

Michael: How can you even think about s*x, right now?

Brian: What can I say? Death gives me a real hard-on.

Michael: Look, why we don't get home? Jesus, Brian, yourdad just died! How can you even think about getting yourdick sucked?!

Brian: This is my grief counseling.

[Mike's disgusted and stomps out.]

[School's out, and as Justin andDaphne are leaving]

Justin: Is he actually your boyfriend?

Daphne: I guess.

Justin: Thanks for telling me.

Daphne: You've been f*cking some twenty-nine-year-old guythe whole year. Why can't I see someone, too?

Justin: So, how long have you guys been?

Daphne: About a months. One day after english class hetalked about Sister Carry how awesome she tried is.Before I knew we're SMS messaging every night.

Justin: Oh.

Daphne: But we're still best friends, right?

Justin: I guess.

Daphne: Aren't we?

Justin: Yeah. Have you done the nasty yet?

Daphne: That's none of your business.

Justin: Oh, c'mon, I tell your everything.

Daphne: Well, we'll foul around some. He wants do more,so do I. I think. Only he is more experienced as I. And Idoes not want to come off as a total freak who doesn'thave a clue.

Justin: So practice first.

Daphne: Nah, I'll heart horror stories about the firsttime. If the guy isn't careful, it can be really painful.

Justin: Yeah, I was lucky. Brian was all soft.

Daphne: That's why I want my first time to be withsomeone who knows what it feels like. Like you.

[Justin doesn't say anything. Daphne giggles nervously.]

[Woody's.]

Emmett: She wants you to f*ck her?

Justin: [nods] Yes.

Ted: Gay men and straight girls sleeping together. Isn'tthat a sign of the apocalypse?

Brian: Have you ever been with a woman?

Justin: Lots of times. When I was fourteen, I had sexwith four girls at summer camp; when I was fifteen, I hadan affair with my mom's best friend; when I was sixteen,I had an affair with Mrs. Elstead, my Geometry teacher.

[The boys are like, really?]

Justin: No. No!

Ted: You asshole!

Emmett: Well, then, how do you know you can?

Brian: Because at his age he could rub up against a treeand have a hard-on.

Emmett: Having recently make love with woman, I can giveyou some pointers.

Brian: Banging a bull dyke for Jesus isn't exactly makinglove.

Michael: I sort of been with a woman.

Ted: You have?

Michael: Tenth grade. Marcia Grundig gave me a blowjob.Well, she didn't just give it to me; she charged me fivebucks. She charged everybody five bucks.

Emmett: That's a...touching... memory.

Justin: I don't know if I'm doin' her a favor, but Istill feels weird about it.

Ted: Honey, it's a real compliment when she asking youfor doin' this.

Michael: Yeah, this means she really trust you.

Emmett: Go to her, Justin. Teach her what it is to be areal woman.

Brian: Like someone taught you?

[Emmett smacks him. Enter Blake. Just bounces in, nice asyou please. Ted freezes.]

Ted: Oh, sh1t!

Emmett: You were bound to see him eventually.

Ted: Why did it have to be tonight?! What do I say?

Emmett: Why say something? Ignore him.

Ted: I should go over and apologize.

Emmett: No, you should answer this: Lenny or Squiggy?

[Ted leaps up and walks over to Blake.]

Ted: Hey, Blake, listen...

Blake: Look, I already told you I don't have your money.

Ted: That's not why I'm wanting talk to you. I found mywallet. It was in Emmett's couch.

Blake:Congratulations.

Ted: You have no idea how horrible, really horrible Ifeel. Look, I know your goin' through a tough time. Butnow I realise after what I've did you have no reason tobelieve me, but if you need anything -- a sympatheticear, a shoulder to cry on, an objective eye...

Blake: How about throwing in an arm and a leg?

Ted: That, too. If you will.

[He shrugs and leaves. Blake thoughtfully looks afterhim.]

[The Kinney House. Brian goesthrough his dad's closet and pulls out a suit.]

Brian: This is the one he should buried in. Worn out anddreary, just like him.

Michael: Should you think you run it by your sisterfirst?

Brian: She probably see this old suit and start cryingagain.

Michael: Well, at least she's expressing how she feels.

Brian: She's milking it for attention.

Michael: Don't be cynical.

Brian: Claire is a c**t. Dad couldn't even stand her. Herhusband couldn't stand her. Her f*cking kids can't standher. So, she's busy being a basket case I'm start doin'anything else. Funeral home...

Michael: Well, I said I would help.

Brian: You wanna help? See if you can find one that's nottoo offensive, if that's possible.

Mrs. Kinney: Brian...

Brian: What?!

Mrs. Kinney: Packets or sugarcubes? We're going to have ahouseful of guests, I don't know what people prefer.

Brian: I'm sure no one's give a sh1t.

Michael: My mom said that people of the diner prefer thepackets for everyone because the cupes are individuellwraped...

Mrs. Kinney: How is your mother, Michael?

Michael: She is fine. Thank you.

Mrs. Kinney: Shewas always such a...character. Please remember to thankher for the sandwhich platter.

Michael: I have to say sorry for your lost.

Mrs. Kinney:Thank you, Michael. Brian, if you see anyonethat you want please take it. I call the Goodwill andthey coming tomorrow.

Brian: That was quick.

Mrs. Kinney: Well, I don't like to see things lyingaround -- you know that.

[Brian finds his father's bowling ball]

Mrs. Kinney: Your father spent more weekends with thatthan he did with me. Packets, right. Glad that's decided.

[And she leaves. Mike, still twisting the tie rack]

Michael: I forgot what is like in your house.

Brian: Yeah, that's why I always was at yours.

[Ted's. Blake hesitantly knockson the door. Blake looks older every time we see him.It's obviously pretty late; when Ted opens the door, he'sgot a serious case

of bedhead.]

Blake: A guy threw up on my bed.

Ted: What?

Blake: The place where I'm staying, he backed it withsome more drugged-out asshole.

Ted: How horrible.

Blake: I can't stay there anymore. I just can't.

Ted: I don't blame you.

Blake: I was thinking about what you said... that I cancall you for any help.

Ted: So you came here?

Blake: I didn't nowhere else to go.

Ted: I'm glad you did. Come in.

Blake: You sure?

Ted: Sure I'm sure. You are welcome to stay here allnight, a couple nights. Did you bring your stuff?

[Blake holds up a backpack.]

Ted: Well, it's always good to travel light. C'mon.

Blake: I just want you to know, I'm clean. I swear.

Ted: I believe you.

Blake: Thanks.

Ted: Look, let's not...rush into this. I mean, we bothneed time to, uh...process how we feel. I said it wouldbe more propriate not to mention responsibility for bothof us to... of f*ck it!

[Ted ends up jumping him again, as the aria from LaTraviata plays in the background...]

[The aria from La Traviata playsin the background... and carries over the next day in asnowy cemetery, as Jack Kinney is laid to the rest. TheBoys are there, plus Brian's Lesbians.]

priest: We are dust and we will return to dust. Oh MightyGod, with the death of your son on the cross, you haveovercome death for us...

[Brian stands with his family. His sister sobs loudlywhile The Ice Queen looks annoyed. Finally Brian can'tstand it any more and, clenching his jaw, walks away fromthe mourners.]

priest: We're pray for those who died believing in Jesusand they will be there rising again.

[Mike follows him. Brian, with a pained expression on hisface, hands Mike his umbrella and pulls out ahandkerchief. Mike rubs Brian's back in comfort as Brianopens up the handkerchief and pulls out...a joint. Heputs the slightly bent joint in his mouth, lights it, andoffers Mike a hit.]

[Kinney's House. Claire wandersaround, inconsolable, picking up plates and sniffling.The Ice Queen pulls her aside]

Mrs.Kinney: Claire, would you please pull yourselftogether?

Claire: Daddy just died, Mother! I am allowed to fallapart.

Mrs.Kinney: Fine. Fall apart.

[The Boys and Brian's Lesbians are a little ways off.]

Emmett: Can we leave? We're here for a f*cking months.

Ted: Year.

Mel: You have to be so f*cking loud, for Christ-sake?

Michael: We have to stay for Brian.

Lindsay: He hasn't said a word.

Mel: Or even cry.

Michael: Well, Claire's doin' a bang of job foreverybody.

[The Princess of Pain sobs on her way tooffering more people more sandwiches. The Ice Queen rollsher eyes. Brian on the couch, holding his father'sbowling bag. His nephews come up]

Boy: What's in this bag, Uncle Brian?

Brian: Grandpa's head. Wanna see it?

[The boys run off screaming. Brian settles back and pullsthe bowling ball out, cradling it like a baby. Across theroom]

Lindsay: We better go. We have to pick up Gus.

Ted: I, uh, somebody staying with me.

Emmett: You do? You don't.

Claire: Excuse me, everyone. I thoughed it would be niceif we all share good memory of daddy. Father, would youstart?

Father: I must comfess I didn't know him very well. Henever came to my house.

Claire: Anyone else?

[The Ice Queen's not about to, and neither is anyoneelse. In the face of the overwhelming silence, Lindsaydecides to give it a shot]

Lindsay: It was a while ago, Brian and I were in collegehe told me once I smelled nice. Oh, and then he gave me amint.

[Brian's about to start snickering. The Ice Queen, whoappears to be wearing a housedress of some kind, isbeginning to get embarrassed.]

Michael: I remember one day he took us to bowling. AndI'm a terrible bowler, so is Brian. I think I score like9 after seven frames. And then a miracle happened - Brianroll the ball and it was head to the rest but thensuddenly it change direction and it was a strike. Andwe're so excited, we're jumping up and down. We're didn'trealize that Mr.Kinney had come back from the bar and hadseen the whole thing. And he ran over to Brian and hepicked him up and he hugged him, and kissed him, and toldhim how proud he was of him. Of course Brian allembarrassed and ran off. I guess this moment meant forme, because I didn't have a father. I always rememberthat day and that hug.

[Everyone seems impressed by this story. Brian smiles atMike dangerously.]

Claire: Thank you, Michael.

Mrs.Kinney: That was a lovely story, Michael.

Brian: Yeah Michael, that was lovely. Makes me shares mymemories of my own. Like the night that he found out thatyou were pregnant with me. He told her to put on her mostbeautiful dress, took her to the most expensiverestaurant in town, and then -- get this -- leaned overand said, 'Joanie, you're getting yourself an abortion.Because I don't want another f*ckin' kid.'

[The Ice Queen doesn't look any more irritated than shedid before.]

Brian: Claire, was there anything you wanted to share?

[Claire sniffles some more, glares around at everyone,and shuffles off.]

[Justin's room. Daphne's withhim.]

Justin: C'mon in it.

Daphne: Thanks.

Justin: Want some music? Daphne?

Daphne: Yeah, I want like that. So, how long do you thinkthis is gonna take?

Justin: I don't know. Maybe an hour.

Daphne: Cause I'll got to be home at six. I promised mymom and my grandmother's over to dinner...

Justin: If you don't wanna do this.

Daphne: No. No, I'll do. Do you have any condoms?

Justin: Are you kidding?

Daphne: Because I brought some in case and lubricant.

Justin: You really prepared. I guess, we should...

Daphne: Yes, we should.

[They awkwardly sit down on the bed. Daphne grins shyly]

Daphne: In a way, this is your first time, too. I meanwith a girl.

Justin: Yeah. We can give it a shot together. Onlyafterwards, Daph? Let's not get weird.

Daphne: Weird how?

Justin: I don't know...

[And then later on they're in bed and Justin's --Justin's moving on top of her. Daphne's still wearing herbra.]

[Ted and Emmett stroll down somestreet, laughing about the outtakes.]

Ted: What a "Funeral from Hell".

Emmett: I always remember his sister scream him, 'Youshit! You sh1t!'

Ted: And the Father carrying his mother after her room.

Emmett: They didn't come down like an hour. You thinkit's really true? What his father said?

Ted: Brian always shock everybody. Somehow I believe it.

Emmett: Can you imagine growing up in this house? How didhe ever survive?

Ted: Who's to say that he did?

[Ted looks at some flowers in front of a store window]

Ted: These are kind of nice.

Emmett: Yeah, that's fabulous for your romantic dinnerfor two.

Ted: I can use the china my grandmother left me.

Emmett: Perfect. Perfect. And then don't forget the goodcrystal. I'm sure Blake will appreciate that.

Ted: f*ck you!

Emmett: Excuse me?

Ted: I already told you, he's not using.

Emmett: [to the street] Can I show of hands: How manypeople believe that the twink is no longer tweaking? Noone.

Ted: Yeah, well, you're all wrong.

Emmett: No Teddy, you are. Believe me, I know.

Ted: You don't know. You're just jealous.

Emmett: Jealous?

Ted: Jealous that I've found someone who cares about meand wants to be with me.

Emmett: He's using you, Teddy. That what's users do.

Ted: That's not true. You just don't want me to havesomething because you don't have it. Like every other fagin the world.

[Brian's loft.]

Michael: You should apologize.

Brian: For what?

Michael: You know damn-well! He was your dad! Even if hewasn't always nice to you when he died, he deserve ourrespect.

Brian: Bullshit. If you don't earn respect when you'realive, you don't deserve it when you're dead. Anyway youwere very respectful. Everyone was very touched by yourlittle memory. Only you don't remember sh1t.

[Brian stumbles up to his bed, snaps open a popper, andtakes a hit.]

Michael: Haven't you abused yourself enough?

Brian: No!

[They plop down on the bed and Brian corrects Mike'stale.]

Brian: I got a strike that day, you got that right. Andwe were jumping up and down and screaming. You got thatright, too. And that's when Jack came back from the barand surprise us. He didn't hug me, that was just your'gee, I wish I had a daddy' fantasy. You hugged me,remember? And I gave you a big kiss. And that's when hesaid, "What are you, a couple of fuckingfairies?" And then I pushed you away so hard, youpractically rolled down the lane. And then I ran.

[He's standing up is the only way and ripped off hisshirt, popping all the buttons. Mike stops him and makeshim lie down on the bed.]

Michael: Maybe coffee wasn't such a good idea.

[He takes Brian's shoes off and starts to unbutton hispants so he can put him to bed. All of a sudden, Briangrabs Mike]

Brian: Stay here with me.

Michael: OK. Just a little bit.

[They snuggle, and then Brian pushes Mike onto his backand starts to kiss him.]

Michael: You're high.

Brian: Yeah.

Michael: What are you doin'?

Brian: I just fooling around.

[Brian, unzipping Mike's pants. Mike stops him]

Brian: Isn't that what you've always wanted, Michael?

Michael: What, a drunken f*ck so you don't have to thinkabout your

dad? I never wanted that.

[Brian rolls off him as Mike sits up.]

[Babylon! Next to the stairs,Emmett's making out with one of them. Nice kissing.Emmett pulls back]

Emmett: You are the best kisser, hands down.

[Kissing Guy moves his hands down from Emmett'sshoulders.]

Emmett: No, no, sweetheart, that's only an expression.Put them back up. Oh, what a boy.


[As Emmett's chewing on Kissing Guy's ear, he sees Blake at the upstairs bar, talking to some shaggy-haired guy.]

Emmett: Excuse me, lover, I'll be right back. Don't you go anywhere. Stay right there, ok?

[Emmett taps Blake on the shoulder.]

Emmett: Excuse me.

Blake: No, thanks.

Emmett: No thanks what?

Blake: I don't want to dance.

Emmett: I wasn't gonna ask. [to the other guy] Would youexcuse us?

Blake: Were the hell are you?

Emmett: I'm Emmett Honeycutt. Ted Schmidt's friend?

[Blake whispers to the other guy. He left]

Emmett: Yeah, we meet you the other night for two weekswhen you passed out on the bathrooms floor. And rush youinto the emergancy room. It start to ring a bell?

Blake: I remember now.

Emmett: Good. Good for you. Youfeelin' better?

Blake: Yeah, Ted's letting me stay with him.

Emmett: That's our boy. So, why aren't you there, talkingto him instead of here, talking to a dealer?

Blake: Him? He's just a friend.

Emmett: Honey, don't bullshit me. Ted, maybe. He doesn'tknow about these things. But we do. Oh yeah, we're knowwhat happens onces you injected crystal needles intothose thinny arms. I tried to warn him, but he wouldn'tlisten. Because he loves you. In fact, he loves you somuch, he believes you're clean. Imagine that!

Blake: I love him, too.

Emmett: No, you love drugs. So get drugs. Here, I willeven give you the money. But leave him alone. Because ifyou break his heart, I will break your face!

[Liberty Diner. Daphne, lookingall cute and non-virginal, walks in in slo-mo, with amuch less cute friend. Justin's startled to see her, buthappy. Daphne gives him

the Big Smile.]

Justin: Hey.

Daphne: Justin.

Justin: What are you doin' here?

Daphne: We decide to shopping and say hi.

Justin: Hi, September.

September: Hi Justin.

Justin: Can I bring you something to eat, on the house?

Daphne: Oh, yeah, hot fudge sundae.

September: I'm on a diet, I got ready for the prom. Isuppose you two are going together?

[Daphne giggles, embarrassed.]

Justin: Daphne, can I talk to you for a minute?

[Over in the corner over there.]

Justin: Did you say anything?

Daphne: About what? Oh, that. You never said it was asecret.

Justin: I can't believe it.

Daphne: What's so terrible? The worst thing that couldhappen is that people think you're straight. Besideswhich, it was nice. I wanted to share it with someone.

[September grins at them hopefully.]

Justin: Then I guess it's okay.

Daphne: I thoughed we could do something when you get offwork.

Justin: I can't. I have plans.

Daphne: What plans?

Justin: Just plans.

Daphne: You didn't tell me?

Justin: Why don't you go out with Glen?

Daphne: We broke up.

Justin: You did?

Daphne: I thoughed about it. And I realized we didn'thave much in common.

Justin: I thoughed you had an amazing IM.

Daphne: Lately, Glen and I have been running out ofthings to chat about. That never happens to you and me.

[Ted's office. He's on aconference call with Emmett and Mike. Ted's been lookingeverywhere.]

Ted: Except I'm waiting for him for hours.

Michael: Maybe he forgot?

Emmett: Or he had other plans.

Ted: We're supposed to have dinner.

Emmett: The flowers were on the table.

Ted: Finally I went out and drag him around. I go to thebar and clubs, but I didn't find him.

Emmett: Oh, you running into people when you see. Youdon't wanna see some and suddenly...

Ted: Do you mind we can stay on track here, please?

Emmett: Sure.

Ted: Thank you. He never came home.

Emmett: Home?

Michael: Maybe you could call the police station or thehospitals?

Emmett: Or the morgue.

Ted: Thanks a f*cking lot!

Michael: We're just trying to be helpful.

Ted: Would you helpful with suggestions?

[PA at Michael's workplace]

"Michael Novotny register 19. Michael Novotnyregister 19."

Michael: That's me. I got to go.

Emmett: You wanna helpful for suggestions? Forget why heleft or where he went, and just be grateful that he'sgone. I got to go.

Ted: I'm so glad I called!

[The Happy Fun House. Justinhelps to get their new bed up the stairs.]

Mel: Now I know why people sleep on putons.

Justin: Why don't you buy a matraze on a departmentstore?

Mel: Lindsay, darling, you wanna answer on that one?

Lindsay: Because I saw an ad for 50% off.

Justin: So, in order to save a hundred bucks, you riskedpermanent back injury. Women are so f*cking weird.

Lindsay: Why isthis a woman thing?

Justin: Because no guy, unless he had money issues woulddo something like that. And you're weird about s*x. AfterI had s*x with my friend Daphne, she flipped out.

Mel and Lindsay: What?!

Mel: You slept with Daphne?

Justin: She wanted me to be her first time.

Lindsay: How was it?

Justin: She's going to need a little practice. Anywaywe're said that nothing would change, and it totally has.I think she's in love with me.

Lindsay: Because it's not so easy for most woman toseparate s*x and love as it is for a man.

Mel: Yeah, that was always my biggest complaint aboutmen.

Lindsay: And especially when it's your first time. Andhere you are in someone to come into your body.

Mel: You never feel so close to anyone in your life.

Lindsay: And before you know it, you're falling in lovewith this person, because they've made you feel like howyou never thought you could feel.

Mel: So, maybe you understanding why Daphne maybe in lovewith you?

[The Bowling Alley. Mike rushesup to Brian, who's wearing his dad's old bowling shirt,has The Ball, and is putting on his bowling shoes.]

Michael: I got your message in store to drop everything,right in the middle of the Big Q 24h clearence sale. It'sthe biggest event of the year.

Brian: Get your shoes. After your touching eulogy, Idecided to come here and pay my respects to JackKinney... so what do you say we roll one for the oldfuck?

[Mike goes first. Gutterball. The mean heterosexual malebowlers in the next lane laugh.]

Brian: Heteros: One, Homos: Nothing.

Michael: I just paid my respect, let's go.

Brian: Hold on.

[He strides up to the alley in slow-mo, takes a sec withthe ball, and, with perfect form, throws it down thelane. It's a strike. QaF gives it to us four times fromfour different angles, just so we're sure. A littleconfused about how many strikes Brian made, perhaps, butsure that he made them. Mike jumps up and cheers. Brianraises his hands in triumph, and then makes obscenegestures with his crotch towards the derisive straightmen, crowing]

Brian: That's right. The f*cking fairies got a strike!The f*cking fairies are jumping up and down! The fuckingfairies are celebrating!

[He grabs Mike, leans him back, and gives him a big kissand then a hug.]

[Looks like Daphne has anafter-school job at a music store. Justin walks into themusic store, and Daphne leans over the counter for akiss.]

Daphne: The new Pansy Division came in. Wanna hear?

Justin: No thanks. Some other time.

Daphne: That's a really cool shirt. It goes your eyes.

Justin: I see that a million times.

Daphne: I'll never noticed.

Justin: Actually the reason I came here... well I wassent you an email but... I think it's better to go inperson.

Daphne: Why you come over tonight? My parents won't behome.

Justin: No! I mean, this is fine. Actually I make surethat you understand that just because we had s*x oncesdoesn't mean hat we now boyfriend and girlfriend.

Daphne: I never said we were.

Justin: You calling me like eight times a day.

Daphne: I only called you three times.

Justin: You're right. It was eleven; I'm counting threehang-ups. And the card: 'Friendship is the highest formof love'?

Daphne: Right! I get the point! I guess when you've sleptas many guys as you have, I'm sure that's all it was --just another f*ck!

Justin: I never said it was justanother f*ck. Besides I'm not slept with that many guys.

Daphne: Can we're not gonna talked that here? I got towork.

Justin: Daph! I was doing you a favor! That's all it was.That's all it was meant to be. Now, you've totally gottenweird, which we agreed would not happen.

Daphne: I'm not the one who got weird. Every since youmeet Brian you are a totally different person. You go outwith him all the time to bars and clubs. It's like Idon't even know you. You've just become this full-timehomosexual.

[The friendly neighborhoodflophouse. Ted finds Blake passed out on the basementfloor. He gently wakes Blake up.]

Blake: You find me?

Ted: Didn't I tell you? Besides I'm being an accountant,I'm also a part-time sleuth.

Blake: You're funny.

Ted: Yeah. Sheer terror piques my wit. Your hands cold. Iwant you to come back.

Blake: I can't.

Ted: Don't argue.

Blake: I screw everything up.

Ted: You won't. I'll make sure of it. I'll take care ofyou.

Blake: I want you to go now, please.

Ted: And leave you sleeping on a mattress that someasshole threw up on?

Blake: I'm the asshole that threw up on it.

[Ted takes Blake in his arms. Blake turns away.]

Blake: My breath stinks.

Ted: I don't care.

[An aria plays, Ted kisses him.]

Blake: Ted, La Traviata. You never told me how it ends.Does what's-his-name marry the slut?

Ted: Of course. Despite the wishes of her cruel fatherand... they lived to sing many glorious duetts.

[Brian's Jeep. Brian stops thecar and pulls the bowling bag out of the back seat.]

Michael: What are you doin'? C'mon, it's cold!

Brian: Patient, young fellow. Patient.

Michael: Now what?

[Brian yanks the ball out and stands in the middle of thestreet. He throws the ball down the street, and it rollsinto the darkness, disappearing forever. He lifts hisarms in triumph once again.]

Brian: So long, Jack! You son of a bitch.

[He turns to see Michael by his side, and hugs him tight,crying at last.]