03x14 - The Election

[bunniefuu]

SHE THINKS SHE'S SO HOT.

NOT AS HOT AS YOU.

AW-W.

THIS USED TO BE SUCH A MAGICAL KINGDOM, FULL OF SPRITES AND FAIRIES.

NOW, IT'S LIKE WATCHING "THE WIZARD OF OZ" IN REVERSE.

COPS IN THE STREETS, COPS IN THE BARS, COPS IN THE CLUBS.

IT'S f*cking DEPRESSING.

UNLESS YOU'RE INTO COPS.

WHAT'RE YOU TWO DOING? WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE DOING? WE'RE COP-ULATING.

THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER.

COME ON.

THIS STREET'S A SHADOW OF ITS FORMER SELF.

STOP STOCKWELL.

I THINK HE'S HOT.

I'D DO HIM ANY DAY.

JESUS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET THROUGH TO THESE GUYS? SHOVE UP A STICK OF DYNAMITE UP THEIR COLLECTIVE ASS? HOLLER "BLOODY m*rder"? THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO.

THANKS.

STOP STOP STOCKWELL.

YOU WANT TO LEND A HAND? STOP STOCKWELL.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN THAT.

STOP STOCKWELL.

NOT INTERESTED.

STOP STOCKWELL! YOU GOT IT? YEAH.

OH-H, HOW DO YOU STOP THIS THING? SO LISTEN, I'VE GOT CLASSES TILL 5:00.

COMING HOME AFTER SCHOOL? FIRST I'VE GOT BAND PRACTICE, THEN SUZY AND I ARE STUDYING FOR THE CHEM FINAL.

WHO'S SUZY? CAN'T YOU TELL HE'S BULLSHITTING US? SURE.

SO WHERE ARE YOU GOING? TO HANG WITH MY FRIENDS, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU.

I TOLD THEM I'M LIVING WITH TWO OLD QUEENS WHO PAY ME FIVE Cs A DAY TO WALK AROUND NAKED.

YEAH, I'M ALWAYS BULLSHITTING US.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S THE TRUTH.

THEY'RE JEALOUS AS HELL THINKING I GOT THIS CUSHY GIG, WHILE THEY'RE OUT TRYING TO ROLL A STOCKBROKER FOR LUNCH MONEY.

YEAH, WELL TRY AND REMEMBER, DINNER'S AT 7:00.

BEN'S MAKING HIS TOFU STIR-FRY.

MORE f*cking HEALTH FOOD? ALL RIGHTY.

LOOK, I'M SHOWING.

AND IT'S SEXY AS HELL.

OH, YOU THINK SO? MM-HMM.

YOU SAID I WAS SEXY WHEN I WAS CARRYING GUS.

HMM.

OR WAS THAT TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BECAUSE I LOOKED LIKE A WHALE? THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT A PREGNANT WOMAN.

THAT GLOW.

FOR ME, THAT GLOW WAS NAUSEA.

HMM, ME TOO AND YET I CRAVE PIZZA WITH PEPPERONI AND PINEAPPLE.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I CALL FAST DELIVERY.

SORRY.

IT'S NOT A PIZZA.

IT'S A BLANKET FOR THE BABY.

I GOT IT AT THIS ANTIQUE STORE NEAR THE GALLERY.

YEAH, GET THIS OUT OF HERE.

HUH? PLEASE.

W-WHAT'S THE MATTER? DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S BAD LUCK TO BUY SOMETHING FOR A BABY BEFORE IT'S BORN? WELL, HOW WAS I TO KNOW IT WAS A JEWISH CUSTOM? I'M JUST A POOR SHIKSA.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT BACK.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL RETURN IT ON MY WAY TO WORK.

EM, YOU'RE UP EARLY.

HMM, COULDN'T SLEEP, THOUGHT I'D COME DOWNSTAIRS, PICK UP A BOOK.

"PSYCHOLOGY OF THE vag*na"? YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ON MY MUST-READ LIST.

OH, THAT'S MINE.

VIC, HI.

YEAH, I'M, UM I'M FEELING A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD MEET WITH THE, UH, THE HILLIARD-FORDE'S TO GO OVER THE PLANS FOR THEIR WILD WEST ANNIVERSARY? THANKS EVER SO.

THEY WANT TO RENEW THEIR WEDDING VOWS ON HORSEBACK.

EMMETT, SWEETIE, YOU CAN TELL ME IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS AND TO BUTT OUT BUT IF TED WANTS TO DESTROY HIMSELF, THAT'S HIS CHOICE.

DON'T LET HIM DESTROY YOU TOO.

LINDSAY, SWEETIE IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS SO BUTT OUT.

SORRY.

IT'S JUST HE'S MY PARTNER.

YOU KNOW, MY PAL.

IF ANYONE CAN UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU TWO CAN.

YEAH, BUT STILL, YOU GOT TO BE TOUGH.

TOUGH, HMM.

THAT'S WHAT MY DADDY USED TO SAY.

HE EVEN BOUGHT ME BOXING GLOVES TO TEACH ME TO BE A MAN.

HMM.

I LOVE BOXING.

OF COURSE YOU DO.

I GLUED RHINESTONES ON THEM.

OF COURSE YOU DID.

WELL, WOULDN'T YOUR DADDY BE SURPRISED TO SEE THE MAN YOU'VE BECOME.

I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU, BRIAN.

NOT MANY PEOPLE WHO JUST GOT FIRED WOULD GO OUT AND SPEND $5,000 ON A NEW LIQUID TELEVISION.

WELL, WHAT BETTER USE OF MY FREE TIME THAN TO SHOP? I'M JIM STOCKWELL, POLICE CHIEF AND COACH OF MY SON'S BASKETBALL TEAM WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

THE FIRST f*cking THING YOU SEE ON YOUR BRAND NE.

IS STOCKWELL IN ONE OF YOUR f*cking COMMERCIALS.

IT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE.

THEY'RE RUNNING THESE SPOTS ON EVERY LOCAL STATION.

I SHOULD KNOW.

I BOUGHT THE AIR-TIME MYSELF.

NOW HIS HIGHDEFINITION GHOS HAS COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU.

IT'S VERY DICKENSIAN.

HEY.

MAYBE THIS'LL CHEER YOU UP.

WHAT THE f*ck IS THAT? IT'S A NEW VILLAIN I'M WORKING ON FOR "RAGE".

HIS NAME'S RAZORBACK.

HE'S ACTUALLY A SWINE.

YEAH, I NOTICED.

YES, BUT THANKS TO A RUTHLESS ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE, HE CAN APPEAR IN CLOSE-TOHUMAN FORM AND HE'S RUNNING FOR MAYOR OF GAYOPOLIS.

OH, I MARVEL AT HOW YOU COME UP WITH THESE IDEAS.

MM-HMM.

HE'S ALREADY MESMERIZED ALMOST EVERYONE INTO VOTING FOR HIM, BUT WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW IS, HE GOING TO SEND THEM TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE.

HOLY PORK CHOP.

MM-HMM.

SO RAGE HAS TO USE HIS POWER OF MIND CONTROL TO EXPOSE RAZORBACK'S VILLAINY AND BRING EVERYONE TO THEIR SENSES BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

YEAH.

THAT'S SOME STORY.

MM-HMM.

IF ONLY THERE WERE A REAL RAGE TO CHANGE EVERYONE'S MIND.

YOU CAN BE SURE, AND AS A CRIME FIGHTER AND A PARENT IS IF YOU SAY IT, MEAN IT.

RIGHT, BOYS? RIGHT, DAD.

I'VE GOT EXACTLY 43 MINUTES BEFORE I HAVE TO GET BACK FOR CLASS.

OKAY.

ARE YOU SURE WE WON'T BE DISTURBED? AH, I CALLED HUNTER'S SCHOOL AND MMM, MMM.

AND HE IS IN SPANISH LAB AS WE SPEAK.

HOLA.

BIBLES OR BEAUTY PRODUCTS? EXCUSE ME? TIME-SHARE IN TAMPA? UH, NO, UH, ACTUALLY, I'M LOOKING FOR BENJAMIN BRUCKNER? HEY, I'M BEN.

HI.

DON'T LET HER SELL YOU SOMETHING FOR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

YOU DON'T NEED IT.

SHH.

I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.

UH NO.

UM, THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE AT THE HIGH SCHOOL GAVE ME YOUR ADDRESS.

UH, IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HUNTER? HUNTER? YOU YOU MEAN JIMMY? IS THAT WHAT HE CALLS HIMSELF THESE DAYS? I'M RITA MONTGOMERY.

I'M HIS MOM.

HE TOLD YOU THAT I WAS IN PRISON? FOR k*lling HIS FATHER.

OH MY GOD I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY HE WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

UH, ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO CONFESS, I DID THINK OF IT ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

YOU KNOW, HE CHEATED ON ME AND HE LEFT ME WITH A CHILD AND WITHOUT A CENT.

I COULD BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHY I HAD TO LET HIM GO TO A FOSTER HOME.

AH, I CAN IMAGINE HOW DIFFICULT THAT MUST'VE BEEN.

YEAH.

I CALLED SOCIAL SERVICES ABOUT A YEAR AGO TO TRY AND FIND HIM, AND THEY TOLD ME THAT HE HAD RUN AWAY AND I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR HIM EVER SINCE.

NOW YOU'VE FOUND HIM.

YEAH.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW HE'S SURVIVED ALL THIS TIME ON HIS OWN.

HE WAS IN PRETTY BAD SHAPE.

YEAH, UM SO WE TOOK HIM IN.

YOU TWO ARE ANGELS.

NO, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.

SO DO YOU INTEND TO STAY IN TOUCH? NO, I I INTEND TO DO MORE THAN THAT.

I NOW THAT I HAVE A JOB AND AN APARTMENT, I WANT HIM TO COME AND LIVE WITH ME.

AND OF COURSE, I KNOW IT WON'T BE EASY AND I'M SURE HE'S VERY ANGRY, BUT I INTEND TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM.

IT'S AN INTERESTING TAPE BUT WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS WHY YOU BROUGHT IT TO US, CONSIDERING YOUR FORMER POSITION IN JIM STOCKWELL'S CAMPAIGN.

I'VE ALWAYS HAD A DEEP AND ABIDING REGARD FOR THE TRUTH, ESPECIALLY WHERE POLITICIANS ARE CONCERNED.

I REALIZE IF THIS WERE SHOWN, IT COULD SERIOUSLY DAMAGE MY OPPONENT'S POSITION.

IT MIGHT EVEN LEAD TO A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION.

OR IT MIGHT ALSO LOOK LIKE LASTMINUTE DESPERATION, NOT TO MENTION DAMAGE MY REPUTATION IF IT ISN'T TRUE.

COUNCILMAN NO, MR.

KINNEY, I'M SORRY.

I'VE RUN A CLEAN CAMPAIGN.

REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME, I INTEND TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

WELL YOU KNOW, STOCKWELL MAY BE A d*ck, BUT AT LEAST HE'S NOT A p*ssy.

WITH ONLY A FEW DAYS TO GO BEFORE THE ELECTION, POLICE CHIEF JIM STOCKWELL IS MAINTAINING A SLIGHT ADVANTAGE IN THE POLLS.

HOWEVER, THE GAP BETWEEN THE TWO CANDIDATES IS STARTING TO NARROW.

BE SURE AND STAY TUNED TO OUR HEY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING A NAP.

WHO'S GOT TIME TO NAP? I'VE GOT CLIENTS TO CORRAL, CONCEPTS TO CONCEIVE, CELEBRATIONS TO CREATE.

HUH.

MAGIC DOESN'T HAPPEN BY MAGIC, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT, EM.

YEAH, WELL, I CAN'T LET TED DRAG ME DOWN.

I GOT NO CHOICE BUT TO GO ON.

HMM.

HEY, MEL.

HELLO, TED.

SORRY IF I CAME AT A BAD TIME.

I GUESS I SHOULD'VE CALLED.

WHEN MICHAEL TOLD ME YOU WERE HERE, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

YEAH, MEL AND I KISSED AND MADE UP.

WELL, WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY KISS.

THEN LIFE WITH THE LESBIANS ISN'T AS HORRIFYING AS ONE MIGHT EXPECT? LOOK WHY DON'T YOU PACK YOUR THINGS AND COME HOME? I DON'T THINK THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.

I KNOW.

I BEHAVED ABYSMALLY.

THERE'S NO EXCUSE BUT YOU'RE STILL MY FRIEND MY LOVER.

HUMPH.

"LOVER".

HOW I USED TO LOVE THAT WORD.

USED TO? HUH.

THEN I GUESS I BETTER REMIND YOU.

YOU REMEMBER NOW? YOU'RE STILL A GREAT KISSER, TED SCHMIDT.

TIME FOR GUS'S BATH.

LOOK, I'LL STOP USING, EM.

I PROMISE.

YOU PROMISED BEFORE.

I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

YOU MEANT IT BEFORE.

BUT I GIVE YOU MY WORD, I SWEAR YEAH, TEDDY, DON'T.

DON'T WHAT? DON'T SAY WHATEVER IT IS YOU THINK I WANT TO HEAR TO GET ME TO COME BACK, BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

I DON'T EVEN THINK YOU BELIEVE YOURSELF.

SO YOU DON'T TRUST ME? WELL, HAVE YOU GIVEN ME ANY REASON TO? Y UH YOU'RE AN ADDICT.

I'M NOT AN ADDICT.

I'M SORRY, SWEETIE, BUT IT'S TRUE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.

AND I-IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO BE, FINE, I CAN'T STOP YOU, BUT I SURE AS HELL AM NOT GOING TO JOIN YOU.

WELL, SOMEONE'S BEEN TALKING TO YOU.

WELL THEY TURNED YOU AGAINST ME, DIDN'T THEY? NO, TEDDY.

NO ONE TURNED ME AGAINST YOU EXCEPT YOU.

LOOK I HOPE YOU'LL GET SOME HELP.

I DON'T NEED ANY HELP, OKAY? AND I DON'T NEED YOU TELLING ME WHAT THE f*ck TO DO.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE, OKAY, GUYS? DON'T FORGET TO VOTE.

DON'T FORGET SUNSHINE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUT FRONT, PASSING THOSE AROUND.

I FOUND A BETTER USE FOR THEM.

WHAT THE f*ck KIND OF ATTITUDE IS THAT? REALISTIC.

THE KID'S RIGHT.

IF YOU'RE COUNTING ON THIS GROUP OF APATHETIC APES, COUNT AGAIN.

WELL AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, IT AIN'T OVER UNTIL THE SLIGHTLYOVERWEIGHT-BUTSTILL-WORKING-ONIT LADY SINGS.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE, GUYS.

WHATEVER.

TAKE THOSE.

DON'T WHAT THE HELL'D THEY DO? PUT A SIGN OVER THE FRONT DOOR: "ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE"? HUNTER'S MOM SHOWED UP TODAY WHEN HE WAS AT SCHOOL.

SHE'S PLANNING TO TAKE HIM BACK.

EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT HIM OR HOW HE'S BEEN SUPPORTING HIMSELF OR THAT HE'S POSITIVE.

I UNDERSTAND, SWEETHEART, AND YOU'VE DONE A LOT FOR THAT KID, BUT SHE'S STILL HIS MOTHER.

AS MUCH AS YOU AND BEN CARE ABOUT HIM, NOTHING CAN REPLACE A MOTHER'S LOVE.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE.

YO, TURN IT ON.

TURN WHAT ON? THE f*cking TELEVISION.

TO BE THE BESTLOOKING, HARDEST-WORKING TRUCK ON THE ROAD TODAY.

WHAT? ON APRIL 11, 2002, JASON KEMP, AGE 19, WAS m*rder*d, HIS BODY LEFT IN A DUMPSTER.

LESS THAN A MONTH AFTER JASON KEMP'S m*rder, POLICE CHIEF STOCKWELL SUSPENDS THE INVESTIGATION, CITING LACK OF EVIDENCE.

FIVE DAYS LATER, CHIEF STOCKWELL'S FORMER PARTNER SERGEANT KENNETH RIKERT, UNEXPECTEDLY RESIGNS FROM THE FORCE.

ONE YEAR LATER, DNA TESTING LINKS KENNETH RIKER TO JASON KEMP ON THE NIGHT HE WAS m*rder*d.

THE NEXT DAY, POLICE SERGEANT KENNETH RIKERT COMMITS su1c1de.

OH MY GOD! BEFORE YOU ELECT JIM STOCKWELL MAYOR, AREN'T THERE SOME QUESTIONS YOU'D LIKE ANSWERED? THIS POLITICAL ADVERTISEMENT PAID FOR BY "CONCERNED CITIZENS FOR THE TRUTH.

" OH MY GOD! OH, I JESUS CHRIST.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LOVE? NO, WHAT WOULD YOU LOVE? TO MASSAGE YOUR BELLY WITH OIL.

MMM.

ESSENCE OF VANILLA, MMM.

ORANGE MMM.

AND ROSEMARY.

MMM.

I'M AFRAID THE ONLY OIL WE HAVE IS ESSENCE OF OLIVE.

THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.

I PURCHASED THE SAID DELIGHT THIS MORNING.

OH, AREN'T YOU CLEVER.

MM-HMM.

WHERE IS IT? IN THE BOTTOM DRAWER.

OH, I'LL GET IT.

OH, WAIT, NO.

WHAT IS THIS? I SUPPOSE THERE'S NO POINT IN USING THE LEFT-OVER PIZZA EXCUSE.

YOU TOLD ME YOU'D TAKE IT BACK.

WELL, THE ANTIQUE STORE WAS CLOSED.

YOU KNOW THE CRAZY HOURS THOSE SHOPS KEEP.

NO, I DON'T WANT IT HERE.

IT'S JUST A SUPERSTITION.

NO, IT'S NOT A SUPERSTITION.

WHEN I WAS ABOUT FIVE OR SIX, MY MOM AND DAD TOLD ME THAT I WAS GOING TO HAVE A NEW LITTLE BROTHER OR SISTER.

I REMEMBER THEM FIXING UP THE NURSERY, BUYING LITTLE STUFFED ANIMALS.

MY MOTHER MISCARRIED IN HER 11th WEEK, RIGHT BEFORE HER SECOND TRIMESTER.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME.

YEAH, WELL, SHE WAS DEPRESSED FOR YEARS.

BLAMED HERSELF, SAID IT WAS PRIDE, THINKING THAT THE CREATION OF LIFE WAS UP TO THEM, NOT GOD.

WELL, NOW I'M IN MY 11th WEEK.

IN A FEW DAYS, I'LL REACH MY SECOND TRIMESTER.

WHAT IF THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO ME? "CONCERNED CITIZENS FOR TRUTH"? WHO THE f*ck ARE THEY? A BUNCH OF LUNATICS.

A BUNCH OF LUNATICS WITH MONEY.

THAT COMMERCIAL MUST HAVE COST THEM A FORTUNE.

YEAH, FIVE THOU EVERY TIME THEY RUN IT AND THEY'LL BE RUNNING IT EVERY HOUR, UP UNTIL THE ELECTION.

IF IT ISN'T THE WIDOW SCHMIDT.

FIRE ENGINE RED MUST BE THE NEW BLACK.

I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D SPARE ME THE SEARING WIT.

I'VE BEEN b*rned ENOUGH ALREADY.

HOW ABOUT A COSMO? NOW THAT I I WOULD APPRECIATE.

COME ON.

YOU WANT TO DANCE? UNLESS YOUR CARD'S FULL.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S EMPTY.

HUH.

YOU KNOW, WE'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

IT'S A SHAME.

WE MAKE SUCH A LOVELY COUPLE.

WE'RE BOTH TALL.

SO WHY NOW? THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY BEING THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT? YOU'RE WITH ME.

YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE.

I KNOW.

AND YOU ALSO NEED TO MOVE ON.

I HAVE.

THEN FORGET ABOUT HIM.

HE'S DEAD.

HE'S NOT DEAD.

WELL, HE WILL BE SOON ENOUGH.

BUT THAT'S HIS PROBLEM KEEP DANCING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.

IT'S EASY.

JUST PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER.

I MEAN, BE SO HEARTLESS.

WELL, IT TAKES A LITTLE PRACTICE, BUT EVENTUALLY YOU GET THE KNACK.

WELL, I COULD NEVER BE LIKE THAT.

SURE YOU COULD.

WELL, THEN GO BACK TO HIM, SHOW HIM HOW MUCH YOU CARE AND LET HIM k*ll YOU TOO.

I'M GOING TO HAVE BABIES AND TAKE CARE OF THEM AND GIVE THEM COD LIVER OIL AND WATCH THEIR TEETH GROW AND AND IF I EVER SEE ONE OF THEM LOOK AT A NEWSPAPER AGAIN I THOUGHT TONIGHT INSTEAD OF, UH, HAVING DINNER AT HOME, MAYBE WE COULD GO TO THE SHANGHAI PALACE AND GORGE OURSELVES ON THE NINE-COURSE FEAST, AND THEN AFTERWARDS MAYBE WE COULD GO SEE THE NEW JACKIE CHAN MOVIE.

THINK HUNTER WOULD ENJOY THAT? MICHAEL.

WHAT? WE HAVE TO TELL HIM.

I KNOW.

HEY, PAL.

WHERE YOU BEEN? PICKING UP SUNDAY BRUNCH.

WANT ONE? HUH! YEAH, I WANT ALL OF THEM, BUT I'LL REFRAIN.

LISTEN, WE'VE GOT SOME NEWS WE'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU.

WE'VE JUST BEEN WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME.

RIGHT, MICHAEL? YEAH, WELL, I GUESS THIS IS IT.

WHAT? YOU HAD A VISITOR THE OTHER DAY.

WHAT KIND OF VISITOR? SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SEE YOU VERY MUCH.

HUNTER, YOUR MOM WAS HERE.

f*ck! HOW DID SHE FIND ME? WELL, THE SCHOOL GAVE HER OUR ADDRESS, SHE CAME TO SEE US AND sh*t! HEY! WHOA, HEY! HUNTER! HUNTER! CHRIST, JESUS CHRIST, YOU RUN FAST.

WHAT THE f*ck ARE YOU DOING? WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE? GETTING AS FAR AWAY FROM HERE AND HER AS I CAN.

LISTEN TO ME.

SHE SAID SHE FEELS TERRIBLE ABOUT GIVING YOU AWAY.

SHE'S A LIAR.

DON'T BELIEVE A f*cking WORD.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID SHE WAS IN JAIL FOR k*lling YOUR FATHER.

EXCUSE ME, SHE ONLY STABBED HIM.

SHE WANTS TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TALK TO HER? GIVE HER A CHANCE.

I'LL NEVER GO WITH HER.

HEY, TAKE IT EASY, TAKE IT EASY.

DON'T! GET OFF ME! HEY.

I-I KNOW WHY SHE WANTS ME BACK.

TO SUPPLEMENT HER INCOME.

"COME ON, JIMMY.

YOU LIVE HERE TOO.

GOTTA PULL YOUR OWN WEIGHT.

WE ALL NEED TO WORK.

" DOING WHAT? HUNTER IT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU CAN TELL US.

"YOU LIKE YOUNG d*ck? FOR 50, Y-YOU CAN SUCK IT.

FOR 100, I'LL LET YOU f*ck ME.

" YOU THINK I'M BULLSHITTING? f*ck YOU TOO! HUNTER, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WE BELIEVE YOU.

THERE'S NO WAY WE'RE GOING TO LET YOU GO WITH HER.

THAT'S A PROMISE, OKAY? OKAY? BRIAN, WHY'RE YOU WHY'RE YOU GETTING RID OF YOUR NAKED GUY PAINTING? AND YOUR ITALIA MODA SOFA? AND YOUR MIES VAN DER ROHE TABLE? I THOUGHT I'D REDECORATE.

SOMETHING MINIMAL.

OKAY, GUYS.

SOMETHING TO MATCH MY CURRENT NET WORTH.

WELL, I TOLD YOU NOW WASN'T THE BEST TIME OH, THE TV, TOO? MMM.

GOOD THING IT WAS LIQUID.

BRIAN, IF YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, I'M SURE I COULD LOAN YOU $100,000? HOW MUCH? THE COST OF 20 30-SECOND PRIME-TIME SPOTS, AT FIVE THOU A POP.

YOU SAID THAT WAS PAID FOR BY THE MEET THE "CONCERNED CITIZENS FOR THE TRUTH.

" YOU.

WELL, WHO THE HELL ELSE WAS GOING TO PAY FOR IT? I MAXED OUT FIVE GOLD CARDS.

THOSE CONCERNED CITIZENS REALLY ARE LUNATICS.

I THINK I'M EXPERIENCING POSSESSION WITHDRAWAL.

I NEED TO LAY DOWN.

GOOD THING YOU DIDN'T SELL YOUR BED.

SURE.

I'D RATHER SELL A KIDNEY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS.

IT'S SO NOBLE? OUT OF CHARACTER.

WHAT MADE YOU DO IT? SOME assh*le TOLD ME THAT IF YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING STRONGLY ENOUGH, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE EVERYTHING.

HEY, SLEEPING BEAUTY.

I MUST'VE CRASHED.

I'LL SAY.

YOU'VE BEEN OUT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

OH, sh*t.

THERE IT IS.

THERE IT IS.

I LOVE IT.

OH GOD, I LOVE IT.

YOU'VE ALREADY f*cked HIM.

IT'S MY TURN.

COME ON.

HERE I COME.

COME ON.

GET IN THERE.

GET IN THERE.

WHAT'S EVERYBODY WATCHING? IT'S A LITTLE INDY FEATURE.

NOT MUCH IN THE WAY OF PRODUCTION VALUES, BUT THE PERFORMANCES ARE FABULOUS.

LOOKS HOT.

IS HOT.

HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

THERE YOU ARE.

COME ON.

AH.

YEAH.

GO FOR IT.

AH, VERY GOOD.

YEAH.

AH, LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK AT HIS FACE.

AH! OH YEAH.

YOU WERE HOT, HOT, HOT, DARLING.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A p*rn STAR? DID YOU VOTE YET? YES, MA'AM.

OKAY.

THANKS.

DID YOU VOTE? YOU BET, DEB.

HOW ABOUT YOU? I'M GOING TO.

OH, GOSH.

YOU'D BETTER HURRY BEFORE YOUR FOOD GETS COLD.

DID YOU TWO VOTE YET? WE'RE JUST ON OUR WAY.

I'D KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THOSE LEMON BARS.

JEEZ, MA, YOU WANT US TO STARVE? "THIS ESTABLISHMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE", AND THAT INCLUDES ANYONE WHO HAS NOT PERFORMED THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT AC EXPECTED OF EACH AND EVERY AMERICAN.

a**l SEX? IT'S WORKING, DEB.

WITH ONLY A HANDFUL OF DISTRICTS REPORTING, IT'S STILL TOO EARLY TO PREDICT THE OUTCOME OF TODAY'S MAYORAL ELECTION.

MEANWHILE, IN RELATED NEWS, A POLITICAL ADVERTISEMEN AIRING ON LOCAL STATIONS IS CAUSING A REACTION.

THAT'S THE f*cking UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.

CHIEF STOCKWELL, AS YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN AD PAID FOR BY A GROUP CALLING ITSELF "CONCERNED CITIZENS FOR THE TRUTH," THAT IMPLIES YOU COVERED UP THE m*rder OF A YOUNG GAY MAN.

KELLY, I CAN ASSURE YOU, NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

THEN YOU DENY THE ACCUSATIONS? THERE ARE NO ACCUSATIONS, MERELY INSINUATIONS MADE TO DISCREDIT ME ON THE BRINK OF THE ELECTION.

HOWEVER, I HAVE EVERY CONFIDENCE THAT THE VOTERS OF OUR CITY WILL SEE THROUGH THIS OBVIOUS SMEAR TACTIC, AND NOT ALLOW IT TO INFLUENCE THEIR DECISION-MAKING WHEN THEY GO TO THE POLLS.

AND I HAVE EVERY CONFIDENCE THAT THE VOTERS ARE SMART ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT YOU ARE FULL OF sh*t.

TONIGHT.

ON CHANNEL 5 WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED.

YOU PUT YOURSELF IN DEBT TO THE TUNE OF I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT.

I'LL HAVE A PANIC att*ck.

HEY, TAKE IT EASY.

BREATHE DEEP.

YOU'RE SELLING OFF YOUR POSSESSIONS? THE 'VETTE'S NEXT TO GO.

NO.

IT'S JUST A CAR.

THE CAR OF YOUR DREAMS.

JESUS, BRIAN.

HOW COULD YOU DO IT? WHAT, RISK EVERYTHING? SOMETIMES, A A GAY MAN'S GOTTA DO WHAT A GAY MAN'S GOTTA DO.

WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? I END UP WITH A PACK OF GUM.

LAST STICK.

WHAT'S ALL THIS? HEY, WHAT'S THE LINE FOR? TO VOTE.

OH, I THOUGHT THEY WERE HANDING OUT FREE POPPERS.

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD, THERE'S AN ELECTION.

NO sh*t.

WHO'S RUNNING? UH, EXCUSE ME.

YES? HI.

UM MY NAME IS, UH, TED SCHMID AND, UH I NEED SOME HELP.

MY MOM WAS SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT BUT BUT THERE WAS A LINE OF GUYS LINED UP AROUND THE BLOCK, WAITING TO VOTE.

SAME WHEN I WAS THERE.

COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

YEAH.

JIMMY? OH MY GOD.

BABY? I BARELY RECOGNIZE YOU.

LOOK HOW MUCH YOU'VE GROWN.

YOU'RE PRACTICALLY A MAN.

COME HERE AND GIVE YOUR MOM A HUG.

GET AWAY! HE'S AT THAT AGE.

HE'S EMBARRASSED BY HIS MOTHER.

THAT CAN HAPPEN AT ANY AGE.

DID THESE TWO GENTLEMEN TELL YOU THAT I CAME LOOKING FOR YOU? I HEARD.

DID THEY ALSO TELL YOU THAT I WANT YOU TO COME LIVE WITH ME? NO f*cking WAY.

MRS.

MONTGOMERY, WE'VE TALKED IT OVER WITH HUNTER, AND WE THINK HE SHOULD STAY WITH US.

WHY SHOULD HE STAY WITH YOU? BECAUSE HE WANTS TO AND WE WANT HIM TO.

WELL, I'M HIS MOTHER, AND I I DON'T SEE WHERE YOU GET A SAY.

NOW I SAY, GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER.

WE'RE LEAVING.

I'M SORRY, BUT AFTER WHAT HE TOLD US, HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

WHAT DID HE SAY? MORE OF YOUR STORIES? HOW YOU MADE HIM WORK TO PULL HIS OWN WEIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE REFERRING TO, JIMMY, BUT I DO HAVE SOME IDEA WHY YOU WANT HIM HERE, AND WHEN I TELL THE AUTHORITIES THAT MY TEENAGE SON IS LIVING WITH TWO FAGS ALL RIGHT, MRS.

MONTGOMERY, THAT IS ENOUGH.

NOW IF YOU DO NOT MIND YOU KNOW WHAT? I MIND PLENTY.

AND I'M GOING TO COME BACK HERE WITH A COURT ORDER AND THE POLICE, AND YOU BETTER GET HIM READY.

JIMMY? BABY, BABY.

MOM'LL SEE YOU LATER.

TED? BLAKE? I, UH SAW YOUR NAME AT THE FRONT DESK.

I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE SAME TED SCHMIDT.

IN THE FLESH.

I, UH GOT MYSELF IN A LITTLE TROUBLE.

IT'S IT'S OKAY.

YOU DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN.

UH, LISTEN, UH I'M GOING TO GROUP.

DID YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME? YEAH, WELL YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I DID SIGN UP FOR THE BADMINTON TOURNAMENT.

YOU'RE STILL FUNNY.

YEAH.

LAST TIME I SAW YOU WAS WHEN YOU BROUGHT ME HERE.

I DIDN'T STAY LONG.

AND NOW YOU'RE BACK.

YOU COULD SAY THAT.

I GUESS IT ISN'T EASY GETTING OFF THIS.

YOU'LL DO IT.

THIS OKAY? YEAH.

WELL, LET'S GET STARTED.

MY NAME IS BLAKE AND I'M YOUR COUNSELLOR.

HEY.

HI, BLAKE.

WE HAVE SOME NEW PEOPLE WITH US TONIGHT.

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU AND TELL YOU HOW MUCH I ADMIRE HOW MUCH WE ALL ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE IN MAKING THIS CHOICE.

WITH MOST OF THE DISTRICTS ALREADY REPORTING, THE RACE BETWEEN POLICE CHIEF JIM STOCKWELL AND COUNCILMAN MARVIN DEEKINS STILL REMAINS TOO CLOSE TO CALL.

WE'RE GOING DOWN TO THE WIRE ON THIS ONE, AARON.

I'M f*cking OUT OF NAILS.

ANYBODY GOT SOME I CAN BORROW? HERE, CHEW ON THESE.

FINALLY, AN ACT OF SELFLESS GENEROSITY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS REMINDS ME OF? HOMECOMING QUEEN.

THERE WAS A LOT RIDING ON THAT ELECTION AS WELL.

WAITING ALL NIGHT FOR THE VOTES TO BE COUNTED.

FORTUNATELY, I WON.

YOU TOO? NOT TO RESORT TO TRITE MUSICAL THEATRE REFERENCES AT THE 11th HOUR, BUT I'VE BEEN THROUGH NIXON, REAGAN, TWO BUSHES AND I'M STILL HERE AND, KIDDIES, IF I CAN SURVIVE ALL THAT AND MORE, WE'LL SURVIVE THIS, TOO.

THE INDOMITABLE SPIRIT OF QUEERS EVERYWHERE.

YEAH.

HEAR, HEAR.

LATER ON IN THIS BROADCAST, OUR LIFESTYLE EDITOR, SHEILA GODDARD WILL SHOW US WHAT IT TAKES TO GIVE A VICTORY PARTY FOR A NEW MAYOR.

OKAY, MA'AM.

-sh*t! SHE BROUGHT THE f*cking COPS.

HOLY CHRIST.

I'M NOT GOING WITH HER.

LET'S TRY TO STAY CALM.

LOOK, YOU MAY HAVE TO, WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT.

NO WAY, YOU PROMISED.

LOOK, TOMORROW, WE WILL GET AN ATTORNEY, AND WE'LL FIGURE OUT THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE THIS, RIGHT, MICHAEL? NO.

NO? LOOK, YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT IF WE LET HIM GO WITH HER, THAT'LL BE THAT, 'CAUSE NO MATTER WHAT SHE DID TO HIM, SHE'S STILL HIS MOTHER, AND WE'RE THE TWO FAGS.

SO WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST WE DO? COME ON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LEAVING.

MICHAEL, YOU CAN'T.

LOOK, HE'S NOT GOING WITH HER AND HE'S NOT GOING BACK TO THE STREET.

THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH THIS.

YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH TROUBLE WE COULD GET IN? YEAH, I REALIZE IT, BUT RIGHT NOW, I DON'T GIVE A sh*t.

IF YOU GUYS STOP TO f*ck, I'M SCREWED.

COME ON.

MICHAEL MIC MICHAEL.

BACK STAIRS.

WAIT.

WHAT, IF YOU FORGOT SOMETHING, JUST LEAVE IT, THERE'S NO TIME.

MS.

MONTGOMERY, STAY BEHIND ME.

AND, AARON, DID YOU KNOW THAT FOR THE DEEKINS PARTY NOW THAT'S A LOT OF BREASTS.

A FEW COMMENTS ON THAT CAREFUL, WE'RE ON THE AIR.

AND WE DON'T WANT TO GET OFF THE AIR, AT LEAST NOT UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SHEILA'S REPORT IS COMING RIGHT UP.

REMEMBER, WE'RE HERE ALL THROUGH ELECTION NIGH SO YOU WON'T MISS ONE MOMENT.

THIS JUST IN.

WIT.

SHHH.

SHH.

IT APPEARS WE CAN NOW DECLARE THAT THE NEW MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH IS MARVIN DEEKINS.

YES! YES! AND HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT, AARON.

IN AN OTHERWISE APATHETIC VOTER TURNOUT, UNEXPECTEDLY HEAVY RETURNS FROM TH.

MAY HAVE TIPPED THE OUTCOME YES! WE MAY BE THE LAST VOTE TO BE COUNTED, BUT WE'RE THE VOTE THAT COUNTED MOST.

MUST BE DUE IN PART TO THE LASTMINUTE ALLEGATIONS THAT POLICE CHIEF STOCKWELL WAS INVOLVED IN THE COVER-UP OF THE m*rder OF A YOUNG GAY MAN.

COME ON, LET'S DANCE.

DAMN RIGHT WE'LL DANCE.

IN THE STREET! OKAY! LET'S PARTY! A WORD OF ADVICE, MY SWEET EMMETT? MOURN THE LOSSES BECAUSE THEY'RE MANY BUT CELEBRATE THE VICTORIES BECAUSE THEY'RE FEW.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T DANCED SINCE THE LAST CENTURY.

WELL, IN ADDITION TO THROWING FABULOUS PARTIES AND BEING A WORLD-RENOWNED MASTER IN THE ART OF FELLATIO, I'M ALSO ONE HELL OF A DANCE INSTRUCTOR.

MAY I? MEL? WHERE ARE YOU? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

IT'S INSANE.

WHAT? I SAID IT'S MESHUGA! WE'RE NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIND EACH OTHER.

OH! I SAID, IT'S WONDERFUL.

I KNOW.

HE LOST.

WHAT W WHO DID? STOCKWELL! YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T WELL, WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY? I GOT THROUGH MY FIRST TRIMESTER TODAY.

NOW THAT'S A VICTORY WORTH CELEBRATING.

WOW.

THANKS TO RAGE, THE STREETS OF GAYOPOLIS ARE ONCE AGAIN SAFE FOR PERVERTS.

HMM.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING? I'M USING MY POWERS OF MIND CONTROL.

DROP YOUR PANTS BEND OVER.

UH, SURELY YOU CAN, UH, USE YOUR AMAZING SUPER-POWERS FOR SOMETHING MORE CONSTRUCTIVE THAN THAT.

TRY AS I MIGHT, I CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING ELSE.

YOU BRIAN! HEY, YOU'RE LATE FOR THE PARTY.

STOCKWELL LOST.

YEAH, MARVIN DEEKINS WON.

UNDOUBTEDLY, HIS FIRST OFFICIAL AC WILL BE TO DECLARE NATIONAL h*m* WEEK.

HUNTER'S IN DEEPSHIT TROUBLE.

HIS MOM CAME TO TAKE HIM AWAY.

AND SHE BROUGHT THE COPS.

SO I I TOOK HIM AND I RAN.

MY GOD, HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY? THE LAW? I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.

SO YOU RISKED IT ALL? MIKEY, YOU ARE SO PATHETIC, I KNOW.

I WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW? GO FOR IT.

YOU SURE? I'VE LIVED WITH A MOTHER.

IT'S A FATE WORSE THAN BIRTH.

USE HI-TEST.

JESUS CHRIST, BRIAN.

NOW YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAR.

OH, NOW I GUESS I'VE LOST EVERYTHING.

NOT EVERYTHING.