01x23 - Tears of a Clooney

Episode transcripts for the TV show "American Dad!". Aired: February 6, 2005 –; present.*
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Series focuses on the eccentric upper middle class Smith family in the fictional community of Langley Falls, Virginia and their four housemates.
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01x23 - Tears of a Clooney

Post by bunniefuu »

[Marching Band]

♪ [ Singing ]

♪ [ Chorus Singing]

♪ [All Singing]

♪ [ Continues ]

- Time for cake.
- I get the piece with the rose on it.
I called it. You heard.

- Mom, cut me an end piece!
- How can you even think about eating that cake?

Doyou realize how many
innocent cows were r*ped...

or as you say "milked,"
to make that cake?

Shut up, Hayley.
Come on, Francine. Make a wish.

Why bother?
A wish is like a dream...




and mine d*ed years ago.

I have a wish. I wish Francine would buy me
something other than Coppola wine.

Tastes like beard hair
and Sofia sweat.

Oh, yeah?
Then getyour own damn wine!

And, Klaus, you want a rose?
Here's your rose!

And here's your end piece, Steve.
Don't forget to chew.

Don't worry. There's plenty left
for the rest ofyou!

Wow. She really seems unhappy.

Well, whatever makes her happy.
It's her birthday.

Dad, it seems like every birthday
she gets more depressed.

- [ Coughs ]
- You okay?

Mm-hmm. And what did Mom mean
that her dream d*ed?

I don't know. I thought her dream
had to do with a muffin kiosk.

Whatever happened to that?




[ Woman On TV]
Here's your room key. And please, have a-

[ Man On TV]
Can I helpyou folks with your bags?

- [ Tape Rewinding ]
- Here's your room key. And please, have a-

Can I helpyou folks
with your bags?

Broughtyou a dustpan of cake.
Whatyou watchin', honey?

[ Sighs ]
Just an old TV show I had a bit part on.

I didn't knowyou were on TV.

So the diamond smuggler
is posing as an optometrist?

[ Gasps ]
That's KateJackson and Bruce Boxleitner!

You were on
Scarecrowand Mrs. King?

Hi. Mr. and Mrs.Jones
checking in.

Boxleitner-what a pro.

Here's your room key.
And please, have a-

Can I help you folks
with your bags?

That's George Clooney. You were in
a scene with George Clooney?

Yep. He interrupted me
and stole my big moment...

and then went on
to be a big star.

A big star, huh?

Okay, I still need to drop Stan's shirts off
at the cleaners, buy some-

- Francine! Francine! Overhere!
- What the-

Over here.
Francine, give us a smile.

Who are you people?
Get away from me!

- Who designed your dress?
- What brand of tampons are you buying?

- Is it trueyou're dating Usher?
- [ Reporters Clamoring ]

Get in!

- Damn vultures!
- Who are they?

Paparazzi I hired to followyou.
Leave her alone, you animals!

Stan, what the hell
is going on?

This is your dream, right?
To be a star.

Stan, I gave up
on all thatyears ago.

I have a new dream now.

You wanna know what it is?
You reallywanna know?

- Eh.
- My dream...

is to destroy George Clooney-

that arrogant, overrated,
memo-writing bastard!

He's not even an actor!

He just does the same
cheesy move every time.

Looks down, then looks back up
squinting underneath his eyebrows.

And everybody's buying it!

[ Panting ]

God, if I just had the chance...

I know exactly how
I'd bring him down.

You see, Clooney's never
fallen in love.

It's always a fling here,
a fling there.

Well, I'd make him
fall in love with me.

And then I'd break his heart...

and watch him cry
until his eyeballs bleed.

Francine, I'm sorry,
but that's the craziest...

most unsettling thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.

- And we're totally gonna make it happen.
- Oh, Stan...

I can't believeyou're helping me
make my dream come true.

Anything to seeyou happy again.

Now, ifyou're going to seduce
and destroy Clooney...

we have to go to him.

According to my intel, he starts production
tomorrow on a new movie called Dr. Love.

He plays a brilliant heart surgeon.

Let me guess.
The only heart he can't heal is his own.

Look at that.
Word forword.

That knuckle-dragging
son of a bitch!

- Y'all done with that?
- [Pilot] We are nowbeginning
our descent into Prague.

[Stan ]And now George Clooney
begins his descent into hell.

[ Pilot ] Please putyour seat backs
and tray tables in the upright position.

[ Stan ]
Please put George Clooney's heart in the-

in the- in the sad right position.

Should have ended with
that whole descent into hell thing.

Thank God. Our hotel room.
I can't wait to I ie down.

What is this?

This is Operation Tears of a Clooney.

Francine, meet Raina Markovitz,
former assassin for the K.G.B.

- Raina, when did you have a baby?
- I didn't.

This economy is terrible. I'll be running
the w*r room and doing freelance wet nursing.

- Stan, what's going on?
- Francine, we're here
to break George Clooney's heart.

This is w*r,
and no w*r is won...

- without a cr*ck squad of murderers and thieves.
- [Man Clears Throat]

And rapists. Sorry, Franz.

Thankyou.

Boy, when Mom and Dad
get back from their trip...

they're gonna be pissed you turned
the swimming pool into a vineyard.

All done, Mrs. Smith.
Fifty grapevines and 1 2 tons of soil.

Great.Just charge it
to my Costco account.

Sure. You'll be glad to know
that a portion ofyour purchase...

goes to help foster children
in the greater Lang-

You lost me at "help."
Now to plant myvineyard.

[ Panting ]

Explain these foster thingies.

Foster children? You know,
wayward children taken in by families.

When you say "wayward,"
I hear "eager."

And when you say "children,"
I hear "migrant workers."

Roger, what in the hell areyou-

[ Coughing ]

You should get that cough checked out.
Costco has doctors now.

Just check in with the lady
who hands out the apple sausage.

- [Machine Beeps ]
- As you can see, Mrs. Smith...

we are positioned directly
across the street from Clooney's hotel.

[Francine ]Are theybuilding
a basketball court in his hotel room?

Clooney has it written into
all of his movie contracts.

What do the Coen brothers see in him?
[ Grunts ]

Stan, we've arranged foryou
to be Clooney's bodyguard.

- So you can be our man on the inside.
- Excellent.

- So when do I start wooing Clooney?
- [Man ]So na?ve.

Francine, meet Sergei Petkov,
Europe's greatest serial k*ller profiler.

I've enlisted him to help you
get inside Clooney's head.

After much analysis, I've determined...

three crucial truths about Clooney.

First, though he has never fallen in love,
he believes in love at first sight.

- How doyou know that?
- I found a quote ofhim saying so on Google.

Can I just say hooray for Google?
It's made myjob so much easier.

- [ All Murmuring Agreement ]
- It's the best search engine around.

Second, Clooney is completely
in love with himself.

Therefore, you must become him.

We have experts who will helpyou
master his interests.

From practical jokes
to potbellied pigs...

to motorcycles, to golf...

- to speaking Italian.
- Ciao, bella.

The final key to Clooney
is resisting his charm.

Men and women alike
find it irresistible...

and kiss his ass
until they are sucked inside.

But ifyou stay out ofhis ass...

hewill pursueyou
until he is all theway upyours.

Here is diagram.

[Metal Clanking]

That's right, foster children.
Hard work builds character.

- Water break, boss?
- Oh, honey, don't call me boss.

That makes me feel like
some kind of monster. Call me dad.

- Water break, Dad?
- No.

Roger, I am sick of sharing
the house with all these foster kids.

- This is over!
- Samantha. Megan.

Steve, meetyour new
personal assistants.

Ladies, take a memo. "Boing!"

Sincerely, Steve Smith.
Dictated but not read.

[Phone Rings ]

Hello. Hold on.

Hayley, it's Dr. Kirkland from Costco.

[ Coughing ]

Hello. My test results.

[Man ]
Entrare.

Excuse me, Mr. Clooney.
I'm Stan, your new bodyguard.

Bodyguard? Who needs a bodyguard
when I got the boys-

my best friends-
migliori amici.

Now, how'd my boys like to try out
the new motorcycles I bought 'em?

- [ Cheering ]
- Yeah, all right!

Cloon-tang! Cloon-tang!
Cloon-tang! Cloon-tang!

Oh. Cloon-tang.
'Causeyou get a lot of cleaver.

[Engines Revving]

[Banging]

[ Horn Sounding ]

How's his heart, Doctor?

- Better.
- [Director] Cut!

- Brilliant, George.
- [ Clicks Teeth ]

Hey, you! My boys just called me
from a freighter headed for China.

- Was that your doing?
- Uh, well, I-

That is the best practical joke ever.

It's even better than the time I switched
Julia Roberts's fetus with a rat.

Sonogram comes back
and she's all, "Huh?"

Stan, you are officially
one of my boys now.

- Here. I gotyou a pipe.
- Thanks, but I don't smoke pipes.

No one does.
I'm bringing 'em back.

[ Electrical Cracking ]

- We'd all like to scratch our nose, Curtis.
- Enough!

You cannot keep treating
these kids likeyour personal-

- [ Sighs ]
- Saveyour strength, Hayley.

Have some ofthe squash
Rebecca made.

[ Rings ]

Hello. Hayley,
it's the Make-A-Wish Foundation!

Hello. Wow. Soyou're
patching him through right now?

Well,just hang in there, little darling.
I'm pulling foryou.

- Whowas that?
- Some sick kid. She sounded hot.

What the-

[ Snorts, Squeals ]

- Who areyou?
- [ Speaking Italian ]

Wow, Cloon-tang. From the look on your face,
I'd say that's love at first sight.

- Butyou probably don't believe in that.
- No, Stan.

I do.

[Roger]
Save those grapevines, kids. Come on.

Putyour Christmas buckets to use
and keep the warm water coming.

Speaking of presents, thanks again
for my meerschaum bent dimple.

And thankyou for
my SerJacopo Flammata.

Girls.

Stop. The kids will freeze.

Hayley, it's too cold
foryou out here.

I'm fine.
I'm gonna b*at this, you know.

Sureyou are.

[ Shivering ]

Hey, son, why don'tyou
go inside and get some eggnog.

Oh, really? Thankyou.

Just halfa cup.
I'm not that thirsty.

- Areyou sure it's her, Stan?
- I'm sure.

I haven't been able to get her out
of my head. I've never felt this way before.

- This is it.
- Thanks, amigo.

Hey, you like the muttonchops?
Bringing 'em back.

There she is.

- Hi, there. I'm George Clooney.
- Mm-hmm.

- Here's your Guinness.
- Guinness? That's my favorite.

Mine too.

♪[Man SingingSoftly]

♪ [ Continues ]

[ All Cheering ]

♪ [Singing Fades ]

She's the first girl
I've ever loved, Stan.

And when she comes over tonight,
I'm gonna tell her.

I'm gonna give her
my heart completely.

And if she rejects it,
it'll k*ll me.

Who could rejectyou, amigo?

Hey, I ever tell you about the time
I nailed Roseanne Barr?

Yeah, buddy, you did.

Tonight is the night.
Let's wish Francine...

good luck in the final step
ofher obsessive endeavor...

to destroy another human being!

- [All Cheering]
- [BabyCrying]

[ Sighs ]

Finally, it's over.

No more pretending
I like that smug jackass.

You were great, honey.

[ Groans ] And you can finally get rid
ofthose hideous muttonchops.

I think I'll go
shave 'em off right now.

Francine, I have surprise foryou.

I just had hidden cameras
installed in Clooney's suite.

That wayyou'll always have video
ofhim weeping like a little girl.

- Petkov.
- [Knocking]

Wait! There is someone
at Clooney's door.

Stan! What's he doing there?

Cloon-tang, I loveyou
too much to let this happen.

- Francine's a fraud.
- [ All Gasp ]

She's a housewife from Virginia
out to hurtyou. Look.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.

I almost had my heart broken.
Butyou saved me.

Hey, bros before hos.

[Francine Screaming In Distance ]

Honey, I'm back. Turns out
we didn't have any shaving cream.

So I took a tour of the Prague
shaving cream factory...

figuring I'd get a free sample
at the end, but I didn't.

That was a wild-goose chase.
Oh, and I was thinking.

When you confront Clooney tonight, don't be
surprised ifhe doesn't cry. He is an actor.

Bros before hos. Bros before hos.
Bros before hos.

- Bros before hos. Bros before hos.
- No.

- [Francine Exhaling]
- Honey, I can explain. It's not how it looks.

Damn it, you got him all wrong, Francine.
He's the greatest guy in the world.

He's taking me to his villa
on Lake Como.

I didn't mean to fall under his spell.
I'm only human.

[ Crying ]

I'm only human!

[Screaming]

- My chop!
- You betrayed me, Stan.

And since now I'll never be able
to break Clooney's heart...

I must k*ll him.

- No!
- Let me go, Stan!

Sorry, Francine.
You need to cool down.

And then tomorrow
I'm shipping you back to the States.

In the meantime,
I'm gonna go meet George.

He's at a mountaintop spa trying
to clear his head ofthis crazy chick.

- [ Grunting ]
- Oh, I mean you.

[ Screaming ]

And one, two, three.
And one, two, three. And one, two-

Hey, this area is for
vineyard personnel only.

We're from Child Protective Services.

We received a phone call
that the children underyour care...

are being forced to work
as your slaves.

Why, that's absurd.
These children are merely playing...

Happy Fun Vineyard
from Milton Bradley.

I promised God
that ifl b*at this thing...

I'd help save
these poor kids from you.

[ Gasps ]
Judas!

Come on, children.
We're taking you far away from this man.

- [ Children Cheering ]
- Hooray! We're gonna go home!
But we don't have a home!

[ Grunts ] I letyou kiss each otherwhile
I watched and this is howyou repay me?

My babies. My babies!

Who's gonna stomp
on my babies?

Oh! Oh! This is swill. Yeah, take 'em away.
They did a horrible job.

- [ Ringing ]
- Hello. Oh, hey, Dad.

I wanted to letyou know that
your mother is coming home tomorrow...

but I'll be staying
a little while longer.

Francine! How did you-

[ Gasps ]

[ Car Horn Honking ]

[CarHorn Honks ]

♪ [ Woman Singing ]

[ Screaming ]

Well, I'd better run.

George Clooney's head is about
to have a big opening weekend.

Wait. I've gone along withyou on
this whole thing, no questions asked.

But now I gotta know.
What the hell, Francine?

What is this about? I hate Susan Sarandon,
but you don't see me cutting off my hand.

I just cut my hair different
for a while.

What is this about?

Just look at that- [ Bleeps ] with cucumbers
on his eyes! Not a care in the world.

No making school lunches, no grocery
shopping, no cleaning the house...

no one depending on him
all the time.

Oh, God. This isn't about
some unfulfilled dream.

You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking
it out on a future senatorfrom California.

Midlife crisis?
Wait. Future senator?

I will- [ Bleeps ]
chop his head in two!

Francine, don'tyou see? Sure, Clooney
has no cares, no one that depends on him...

but he has no one
that depends on him.

Butyou, you have a family,
a son, a daughter-

And a husband who took a sabbatical
from work, moved to Prague...

and hired mercenaries
to help his wife seduce another man.

- You probablywould have let me sleep with him.
- Of course. I assumed you did.

[ Both Laughing ]

I'm the luckiest girl
in theworld.

You know,
I actuallyfeel sorryfor him.

He'll never know
this kind ofhappiness.

Let's go home.

- Honey, haveyou seen my garment bag?
- Right here. Doyou have my hand?

Yeah, it's in the cooler
by the door.

I'll be right back.
I... have some unfinished business.

[Knocking]

Stan, my boy.

I can't bump, George.

What's wrong?

- I'm leaving.
- What doyou mean? Where?

- I'm leaving you, George.
- What?

[ Chuckles ]
You almost had me.

- It's like the time I told
CathyZeta her mom k*lled her-
- I'm notjoking!

I'vejust got other priorities.

Butwe'll still be bros, right?

Whatever it is,
we can make itwork.

- I'm sorry.
- Stan, I can change!

It's notyou, George.
It's me.

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, Stan, this is the best birthday present
you've ever given me!

Hey, that's right.
Look at that. It's after midnight.

Happy 40th birthday, honey.

[ Sobbing Continues ]

Bye. Have a beautiful time.
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