12x12 - The Propagation Proposition

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Big Bang Theory...

So I told my mom she just needed to back off.

This is our wedding, and if anyone's gonna

design the floral arrangements, it's going to be my man.

Thank you.

I mean, I-I'm not trying to be a Groomzilla,

but... this is my specialty.

(phone chimes)

Everything okay?

Yeah, it's just Anu's doorbell camera.

I helped her install it.

You can't look at it.
That's spying.

Who the hell is this guy?

Ooh, let me see.

So you're still talking to your ex-boyfriend?

Yes, and I'm not gonna apologize for that.

And you need to delete that app from your phone.

Because you're hiding something from me?

No, because you should trust me!

How can I trust you?!
I barely even know you!

Then what are we doing?

I don't know.

- Oh!
- DENISE: Aah,

sad man!

This is so great.

Why don't we do it more often?

Because you have two kids,

I have Sheldon,

and Penny's apparently in the gym all the time,

'cause damn, look at her!

Yeah, so impressive how you manage

to bounce back after having no babies.

Ah, another reason why we don't do this more often.

You've come to a giant metal door.

I check the door for traps.

There are no traps.

I use my wizard eye

to see what's on the other side of the door.

Hey, that's sort of like how you used a doorbell camera

to spy on your fiancée.

No, it's nothing like that.

Your wizard eye reveals a monster.

- Oh. Is it alone and unloved?
- I guess.

I open the door and say, "Hey, Raj."

I have a bottle of champagne for you.

Oh, we didn't order this.

It's from the gentleman at the end of the bar.

Oh. Well, if we drink it, does that mean

we're making a promise?

'Cause I am happily married, although I will watch.

We're not gonna do anything.

Really?
So all that work's for Leonard?

Why don't you just call her? I'm sure

you guys can work this out.

I don't want to talk about it.
Let's just play.

Okay, the cyclops tells you

that the enchantress you seek is staying

at the Inn of the Dwarven Lords.

Really? An inn?

Anu is a concierge at a hotel.

That's a little insensitive,

don't you think?

I hadn't noticed that before you mentioned it.

Well, now that I've mentioned it, how do you feel?

Bad.

Shame on you.

- Hey, ladies.
- Zack!

Hi. You guys know Zack.

- BERNADETTE: Yeah.
- Of course.

Did-did you send this over?

I did. I asked for the most expensive one they have.

They said it was $ ,

and I said I want a more expensive one.

And then, they said it was $ .

But it-it was the same...

Don't.

Thank you, but you shouldn't have spent so much.

Nah.

It's cool. I sold my company for a boatload of money.

And then I bought a boat.

Then I got married.

Guess where.

On your boat?

No, but that would've been awesome!

Well, congratulations.

Hey, you and Leonard

should come over and have dinner with us on our boat.

Yeah, that would be so nice.

Leonard was just saying how he was hoping to have dinner

with one of your ex-boyfriends on his expensive boat.

- Well, then this worked out perfect!
- Oh, yeah.

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

Hey. How was game night?

Oh, off the charts.

Literally.
Sheldon rolled a number so high,

it wasn't on any of these charts.

(laughs) That's funny.

Wow. I should not have driven home.

How was ladies' night?

It was fun. Amy got drunk and kept telling us

that Sheldon's chest is smooth like a porpoise.

Well, it does squeak when you touch it.

And we ran into Zack.

Oh. Yeah? How's he doing?

- He got married.
- Oh. Well, that's nice.

Yeah, and he sold his company for a fortune and retired.

Huh.

And you ended up with me, so everybody wins.

Wait. You're not jealous of Zack, are you?

What? Oh, absolutely not.

In fact, he should be jealous of me because I have you.

Oh.

And a dungeon with over rooms left unexplored

because no one thought to search for secret doors

under the wizard's throne.

Oh. You know, I'd like to go exploring.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I'll get the dice back out.

(phone chimes)

Go away, Raj!

What are you doing?

I'm winning you back Love Actually style.

I don't know what that means.

Really? You've never seen Love Actually?

If you want to watch it right now, I'll just wait.

I have nothing to say to you.

Look, we both made mistakes.

I am so sorry that I spied on you.

I didn't mean to, but I know it was not okay.

Now, do you want to apologize to me?

You also said you don't trust me and that you barely know me.

I really thought this would be more of a back-and-forth thing.

Honestly, Raj, why do you even want to marry me?

You know, family and India and stuff.

Here's what I think.

All of your friends are married,

and you don't want to be left behind.

And honestly, that's not a good enough reason.

Uh, okay, well, how is that different

than what you're doing? Hmm?

Worried that you wasted

so many years dating the wrong people, and now,

you're just looking for a shortcut.

You're right.
It's not different.

Okay, so we agree.

- Yeah.
- Great.

Wait. What did we just agree on?

That we shouldn't see each other anymore.

You know what?

Why don't you shut the door, and I'll just do the cards?

Uh, do you remember Penny's ex-boyfriend Zack?

Leonard, I remember all of Penny's ex-boyfriends.

If you'd like, I could list them alphabetically.

No, thank you.

Fun fact. You would think

Zack would be the last one on the list,

but she also dated two Zekes.

Well, apparently, Zack sold his company

for a ton of money and retired.

And that bothers you?

I don't know. I mean...

I guess so. Yeah.

It doesn't seem fair.

I work hard.

I'm really smart.

I've made substantial contributions to my field.

But Zack gets to be rich,

while I'm still working for a paycheck?

Well, a lot of people you don't know are rich.

That doesn't seem to bother you. Mark Zuckerberg,

Sultan of Brunei, Gordon Letwin.

Who's that?

He's one of the first employees of Microsoft.

Yeah, well, I don't

- have to hang out with Gordon Letwin.
- Well, that's too bad.

He helped create the HPFS file system.

Oh, the stories he could tell.

Penny told him we'd go have dinner with him and his wife

on their stupid boat.

Well, just tell her you don't want to go.

Well, then, she'll think I'm being jealous and petty.

So you want to seem mature and confident.

I make one mistake, and she says she doesn't want to marry me.

- Like she never screwed up.
- Did she?

Well, she agreed to marry me.

Honestly,

I think you dodged a b*llet.

I don't think she was right for you.

Howie, shh.

What?

You can't bad-mouth Anu.

They're gonna get back together,

and you're gonna look like a jerk.

I mean, remember

when we broke up, and Penny said all those mean things about you?

What did she say?

I don't want to get into it.

Some of it was hurtful, most of it was true.

So I'm just supposed to lie to my friend?

I don't want you to lie to me.

No one's gonna lie to you.

(whispers):
Lie.

She says

the only reason I'm marrying her

is because all my friends are married,

and I don't want to feel left out.

Oh, that's nonsense.

No. She's right.

(quietly):
Now what do I say?

So, Marissa, how

did you guys meet?

Oh, it's a pretty funny story.

We met in a bookstore.

That is funny.

Yeah, I was just there using the bathroom,

but this one had a stack of books, like, this tall.

Oh. So, you really like to read?

Oh, no. I work there.

Yeah, she is super smart.

Seriously, you name, like, any book,

she'll tell you if she's heard of it.

Go on, try her.

Oh, uh, well, uh...

Catcher in the Rye.

Nope.

ZACK: Look at that, Penny.

I guess we both like nerds.

So, uh, we gonna take this thing out?

Nah. It's a little choppy tonight.

Yeah, that's okay-- this is nice, sitting under the stars.

It's actually kind of peaceful.

Well, it's a beautiful boat.

Thanks, man.

We love it.

Although, he's so tall he bangs his head

almost every time he goes downstairs.

After the first couple, you don't even feel it.

Where are our manners?

Zack, let's get our guests something to drink.

Oh, you got it, babe.

(quietly): I can't believe that guy's rich.

MARISSA: Ooh, watch your head.

ZACK: That was a close one.

Are you jealous?

I know, I know, I shouldn't be.

He's super sweet. I should be happy for them.

Oh, it's driving me crazy, too.

- Really?
- Yes. I was trying to pretend

like it wasn't so you wouldn't think I was petty.

Wha-- turns out we're both petty.

I love you so much.

Aw.

Cheers, guys.

- Aw, thanks.
- Thank you.

(laughs)

So listen, I got to be honest.

We sort of have another reason for asking you here.

We want to have a baby,

but we can't do it on our own.

It could be because of the game me and my frat brothers used to play

where we kicked each other in the balls over and over.

But the doc says there's no telling.

We just don't know.

Huh.

You went to college.

And Zack's always admired you

because you're the smartest person he knows.

Okay, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa. You know, this has been such a nice evening.

Let's all just stop before anyone says any more things.

Leonard, would you be the father of our baby?

Aw, you said a thing.

Wow, this is really flattering.

And also really weird, right?

ZACK: Oh, just to be clear,

you don't get to... you know.

No, I...

- I got it.
- Just because I slept

with your wife doesn't mean you get to sleep with mine.

We... we get it,

but... thank you for saying it out loud.

You're welcome.

I know it's a big ask, but it would mean so much to us.

ZACK: Yeah, and we

really don't want a stranger's, you know...

- I know.
- ...sperm.

And Zack's always talked about what a great guy Leonard is.

I...

(chuckles): I really don't know what to say.

Really? You don't know what to say?

You know, I-I think we should talk about this.

Oh, yeah. Definitely, you guys should talk, yeah.

Take your time.

He means privately.

- Right. Sorry.
- Sure. Yep.

- Come on, Zack.
- Okay. Yeah.

Okay.

You really think those two should be parents?

There's nothing wrong with them.

- (loud thump)
- ZACK: Ow!

(computer chiming)

Hello, Daddy.

Did you install a camera to spy on your fiancée?

What?!

No!

That's what her parents told me

when they said they were calling off the wedding.

But I told them you would never do such a thing.

Thank you.

I mean, I did install a camera

and I did spy on her, but I did not install it to spy on her.

Well, that's not going to be our story.

Our story is that she's a liar.

And-and old.

An old, dirty liar.

Oh, no.
She's-she's actually great.

I'm the one who screwed up.

Well, don't say that to them.

She's bad. You're good.

They have to pay me back for my wedding deposits.

(sighs)
This is all my fault.

I should have...
I should have just trusted her.

So you're saying you still want to get married?

Fine. Then I'll call her parents

and we'll straighten this whole thing out.

I don't think she wants to marry me.

And honestly...

she deserves someone better.

(sighs) Rajesh, you need to stop being so hard on yourself.

You're a good man.

(chuckles): Wow.

Y-You've never told me that.

You're also a dope.

That you've said.

But your heart's in the right place,

and you deserve happiness.

So you just need to figure out what you want,

and if that means cancelling the wedding, we cancel the wedding.

Thank you.

But figure it out quickly, or I'll be celebrating

my next birthday with a lot more elephants

and marigolds than I expected.

And Leonard just stood there with a big, dumb smile on his face,

like he was watching a puppy and a monkey make friends.

Well, I can see how he'd be flattered to be asked.

It's not flattering.
It's creepy.

Well, something can be both flattering and creepy.

You know, just the other night, Sheldon said that my feet

looked like Richard Feynman's hands.

Really? So you'd be okay

if someone wanted to use Sheldon as their sperm donor?

Oh, absolutely not. I am the only handmaid in this tale.

So Leonard's really considering this?

Yes. We got in a huge fight about it.

He said, well, if I don't want to have his baby,

then why shouldn't someone else be able to? Do you believe that?

What?

Well, there is a deep-seated biological drive

to pass on your genes.

It's only natural.

So you're on his side?

Well, viewing Leonard as a mammal,

it's perfectly understandable.

But viewing him as your husband, he stinks.

And we hate him.

(video game weapons f*ring) Really? Zack wanted you to donate

your genetic material for his baby?

Yeah. So I'd be helping out a couple who really want a baby,

and they were gonna pay us, and Penny freaked out about it.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- I know.

They wanted you?

(video game tires screeching, car crashing)

Yes, Sheldon, they wanted me.

I'm smart. I'm nice.
I'm smart. I'm nice.

And I can eat cheese without clearing out a room.

Are you upset he didn't ask you?

Of course not. I just think it's interesting

that of all the people he knows, he thinks you're the best choice.

Well, he does.

I don't see why Penny is so against this.

Well, perhaps Penny's worried that you haven't considered

the emotional toll of knowing there's a child out there

who is biologically yours but not actually yours.

(video game tires screech)

Wow, that's really insightful.

Yeah, I'm taller than you and I don't have asthma.

Those people are crazy.

(phone chimes)

Come on, I know you're there, and I know you know it's me.

(groans)

- You're just making this harder.
- Look...

you were right.

I was doing this for the wrong reasons.

You deserve to marry someone who knows

how amazing you are... and who proposes

because he doesn't want to spend a single day without you.

Not... not because he wants to catch up to his friends.

Thank you.

And I want you to know, I think I could be that man.

Raj, I'm not gonna marry you.

- I'm not asking you to.
- Then why are you here?

Because I like you.

Okay? I like you.

I-I like you enough to start this relationship

at the beginning, not in the middle.

So...

will you go out on a date with me?

(sighs)
I don't know.

Okay.

But I warn you,

I just got out of a weird relationship,

and I might complain about my ex a lot.

Maybe he's being weird because he doesn't know how to ask for his ring back.

Hey.

Hi.

Where you been?

Just out.

All right, look, um...

I'm sorry that we fought before.

I know this is a really unusual situation,

and if you don't want me to do it, I won't.

Really?

Yeah.

We're a team.
We're in this together.

I'll be right back.

What is that?

It's a sample cup.

Really? 'Cause it looks like the top off the NyQuil bottle.

It's the closest thing I could find.

- It's a gesture. Shut up.
- All right, sorry.

So... are you saying you're okay with this?

(sighs):
I don't know,

but... when I told you I didn't want to have kids,

you didn't have a say in that, so...

maybe I don't need to have a say in this.

Thank you.

They couldn't have picked a better person.

(chuckles)

Are you calling Zack?

No, Sheldon. Would you say that last part one more time?

Oh, my...