01x06 - The Middle Earth Paradigm

Scene: Lobby of the apartment building, Howard, Raj, Sheldon and Leonard enter in combat gear, covered in blue paint.

Raj: Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball.

Howard: That was absolutely humiliating.

Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.

Howard: Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party.

Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.

Sheldon: You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.

Leonard: Sheldon, let it go.

Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.

Howard: I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster.

Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders.

Leonard: You hid behind a tree yelling “get the kid in the yarmulkah, get the kid in the yarmulkah.”

Penny (arriving): Oh, hey guys.

Leonard: Hello Penny.

Howard: Morning ma’am.

Penny: So, how was paintball, did you have fun?

Sheldon: Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.

Penny: Okay, um, oh hey, I’m having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by.

Leonard: A party?

Penny: Yeah.

Howard: A boy-girl party?

Penny: Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…

Sheldon: Dancing?

Leonard: Yeah, I don’t know, Penny…

Sheldon: The thing is, we’re not….

Leonard: We’re really more….

Sheldon: No.

Leonard: But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.

Penny: Are you sure? Come on, it’s Halloween.

Sheldon: A Halloween party?

Howard: As in, costumes?

Penny: Well, yeah.

Leonard: Is there a theme?

Penny: Um, yeah, Halloween.

Sheldon: Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific?

Penny: As usual, I’m not following.

Leonard: He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…

Penny: Sure.

Sheldon: What about comic-books?

Penny: Fine.

Sheldon: Anime?

Penny: Of course.

Sheldon: TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods…

Penny: Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye.

Howard: Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.

Credits Sequence

Scene: The apartment living room. There is a knock on the door.

Leonard (off): I’ll get it. (He enters, wearing a Flash costume. Opens door.)

Howard (Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume): Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.)

Leonard: Oh, no.

Sheldon: Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.)

Raj: Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!

Sheldon: See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.

Leonard: We all have other costumes, we can change.

Raj: Or, we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast.

Howard: No, no, no, it’s a boy-girl party, this Flash runs solo.

Leonard: Okay, how about this, nobody gets to be The Flash, we all change, agreed?

All: Agreed.

Leonard: I call Frodo!

All: Damn!

Scene: The same, later. Leonard is dressed as Frodo. Howard appears to be Peter Pan. There is a knock on the door.

Raj (Entering dressed as Thor): Hey. Sorry I’m late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.

Leonard: You went with Thor?

Raj: What? Just because I’m Indian I can’t be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That’s racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he’s not English, but he’s dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon(entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he’s obviously the Doppler Effect.

Howard: I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Robin Hood.

Raj: Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man.

Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.

Sheldon: I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect.

Leonard: No, it’s not…

Sheldon: If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!

Leonard: Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.

Sheldon: Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?

Leonard: For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey.

Sheldon: Well, there’s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting.

Leonard: All I’m saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group. A potential close friend and… perhaps more. I don’t want to look like a dork.

Scene: The hallway. Howard knocks on Penny’s door with his bow.

Howard: Just a heads up fellas, if anyone gets lucky I’ve got a dozen condoms in my quiver.

Penny (opening door, not in costume): Oh, hey guys.

Leonard: Hey, sorry we’re late.

Penny: Late? It’s 7:05.

Sheldon: And you said the party starts at seven.

Penny: Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven.

Sheldon: It’s 7:05.

Penny: Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.

Howard: What, are all the girls in the bathroom?

Penny: Probably, but in their own homes.

Sheldon: So what time does the costume parade start?

Penny: The parade?

Sheldon: Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.

Penny: Oh, Sheldon, I’m sorry but there aren’t going to be any parades or judges or prizes.

Sheldon: This party is just going to suck.

Penny: No, come on, it’s going to be fun, and you all look great, I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan, that’s so cute.

Leonard: Actually, Penny, he’s Rob…

Howard: I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.

Penny: No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.

Leonard: Oh, he’s the Doppler Effect.

Sheldon: Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.

Penny: Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable.

Leonard: Okay.

Sheldon: See, people get it.

Time shift, the party is in full swing, the four guys are sitting together around the coffee table.

Raj: Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix.

Howard: No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights.

Sheldon: I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here?

Leonard: We’re socialising. Meeting new people.

Sheldon: Telepathically?

Penny (crossing the room in a cat costume, speaking to someone off-screen): Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi!

Raj: Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.

Leonard: She’s not Catwoman, she’s just a generic cat.

Sheldon: And that’s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.

Howard: Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it’s time for me to turn my head and cough.

Raj: What is your move?

Howard: I’m going to use the mirror technique. She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back, she shrugs, I shrug, subconsciously she’s thinking we’re in sync, we belong together.

Leonard: Where do you get this stuff?

Howard: You know, psychology journals, internet research, and there’s this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls.

Raj: Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times, even effeminate men.

Howard: If that’s a working stethoscope, maybe you’d like to hear my heart skip a beat.

Nurse Costume Girl: No thanks.

Howard: No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.

Leonard: I want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people.

Sheldon: Well, I actually might be able to help.

Leonard: How so?

Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will.

Leonard: Go on.

Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”

Leonard: Then what happens?

Sheldon: That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

Leonard: This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in.

Sheldon: Good luck.

Leonard: No, you’re coming with me.

Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so.

Leonard: Come on.

Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?

Leonard: Yes. But I need a wing-man.

Sheldon: Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage.

Girl in Hippie Costume: Oh, Hi!

Leonard: Hi.

Sheldon: Hello.

Girl: So, what are you supposed to be?

Sheldon: Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!

Girl: Uh, a choo-choo train?

Sheldon: Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!

Girl: A brain damaged choo-choo train?

Girl in Butterfly Costume (dropping onto sofa next to Raj): How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.)

Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are now talking to a girl in a princess costume.

Sheldon: Neeeeeooooowwwwww!

Girl: I still don’t get it.

Sheldon: I’m the Doppler Effect.

Girl: Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.

Leonard: Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra?

Sheldon: Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves.

Leonard: Because I’m Frodo.

Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect.

Leonard: Oh no.

Sheldon: What?

Leonard: That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend.

Sheldon: What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.

Leonard: If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him.

Sheldon: Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now.

Leonard: Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).

Sheldon: You have a back-up hypothesis.

Leonard: Maybe they just want to be friends.

Sheldon: Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more.

Leonard: Then he and I are on equal ground.

Sheldon: Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is.

Leonard: Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.

Sheldon: And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.

Leonard: Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down.

Sheldon: True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?

Leonard: No. I’m going to assert my dominance face to face.

Sheldon: Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?

Leonard: Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.

Penny: Oh, hey guys. You having a good time?

Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system.

Kurt: What, you’re a zebra, right?

Sheldon: Yet another child left behind.

Kurt: And what are you supposed to be, an Elf?

Leonard: No, I’m a Hobbit.

Kurt: What’s the difference?

Leonard: Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior.

Kurt: So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit?

Sheldon: Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash.

Kurt: Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.

Leonard: I think we’re all talking to Penny here.

Sheldon: I’m not. No offence.

Kurt: Okay, maybe you didn’t hear me, go away.

Penny: Alright Kurt, be nice.

Kurt: Aw, I am being nice. Right little buddy.

Penny: Kurt!

Leonard: Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can’t compete with me on an intellectual level and so you’re driven to animalistic puffery.

Kurt: Are you calling me a puffy animal?

Penny: Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard?

Leonard: No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.

Sheldon: If he understands that, you’re in trouble.

Kurt: So what, I’m unevolved?

Sheldon: You’re in trouble.

Kurt: You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.

Penny: Okay, Kurt, please.

Leonard: No, Penny, it’s okay, I can handle this. I’m not a dwarf, I’m a Hobbit. A Hobbit. Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory?

Kurt: Okay, now you’re starting to make me mad.

Leonard: A homo-habilus discovering his opposable thumbs says what?

Kurt: What?

Leonard: I think I’ve made my point.

Kurt: Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head.

Sheldon: Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless.

Leonard: There’s not going to be a confrontation, in fact I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.

Kurt (physically lifting Leonard from the ground): C – O – N… frontation!

Penny: Kurt, put him down this instant.

Kurt: He started it.

Penny: I don’t care, I’m finishing it, put him down.

Kurt: Fine. You’re one lucky little leprechaun.

Sheldon: He’s a Hobbit! I’ve got your back.

Penny: Leonard, are you okay.

Leonard: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….

Penny: Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming.

Sheldon: Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place.

Scene: The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea.

Leonard: What’s that?

Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?

Leonard: No.

Sheldon: Good. There there was really all I had.

Leonard: Good night Sheldon.

Sheldon: Good night Leonard.

Penny (knocking on door and entering): Hey Leonard.

Leonard: Hi Penny.

Penny: Hey, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.

Leonard: I’m fine.

Penny: I’m so sorry about what happened.

Leonard: It’s not your fault.

Penny: Yes it is. That’s why I broke up with him, he always does stuff like that.

Leonard: So why was he at your party?

Penny: Well, I ran into him last week and, he was… just, all apologetic, about how he’s changed, he was just going on and on and I believed him, and I’m an idiot because I always believe guys like that and… I can’t go back to my party because he’s there, and I know you don’t want to hear this and I’m upset and I’m really drunk and I just want to… (bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard’s shoulder.)

Leonard: There there.

Penny: God, what is wrong with me.

Leonard: Nothing, you’re perfect.

Penny: Gah, I’m not perfect.

Leonard: Yes you are.

Penny: You really think so, don’t you? (She kisses hm.)

Leonard: Penny?

Penny: Yeah.

Leonard: How much have you had to drink tonight?

Penny: Just…. a lot.

Leonard: Are you sure that your being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn’t have something to do with what’s going on here?

Penny: It might. Boy, you’re really smart.

Leonard: Yeah, I’m a frickin’ genius.

Penny: Leonard, you are so great. Why can’t all guys be like you?

Leonard: Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn’t survive.

Penny: I should probably go.

Leonard: Probably.

Penny (in doorway): Thank you. (She kisses him again. Kurt is watching.)

Leonard: That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)

Scene: The apartment, there is a knock on the door.

Sheldon: Coming. (Opens door to Howard.)

Howard: Hey, have you seen Koothrapali?

Sheldon: He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him.

Howard: He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God.

Sheldon: Thank you for the clarification.

Howard: I’m supposed to give him a ride home.

Sheldon: Well I’m sure he’ll be fine. He has his hammer.

Scene: A random bedroom. Butterfly costume girl is climbing off of Raj.

Butterfly Girl: Wow, I have to say, you are an amazing man. You’re gentle and passionate, and my God, you are such a good listener!

(Raj puts hands behind head with a smug expression on his face.)