07x03 - The Scavenger Vortex

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Scene: The Cheesecake Factory

Raj: So, couldn’t help but notice none of you RSVP’d to my m*rder mystery dinner party.

Leonard: Oh, yeah. We were meaning to do that.

Raj: No, you weren’t because it was a week ago and nobody came. So, if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the w*apon of indifference, it was all of you.

Sheldon: I don’t think thatqualifies as a mystery, we all knew what we were doing.

Amy: We’re sorry, Rajesh.

Bernadette: Maybe we can do it next week.

Howard: Whoa, whoa, we’re not that sorry.

Raj: Don’t worry, I can take a hint. No more m*rder mystery parties.

Leonard: Great.

Sheldon: Thank you.

Howard: Hallelujah.

Raj: Because I’ve got something even better planned.

Leonard: Aw.

Howard: Why?

Sheldon: Come on.

Raj: Just hear me out. I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.

Howard: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.

Leonard: We did them at Princeton, too.

Howard: Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.

Sheldon: That’s amusing, I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.

Amy: Scavenger hunts at Harvard were really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge, trying to find someone to be on a team with me. I guess that story’s more sad than funny.

Penny: I love scavenger hunts. My friends and I had them all the time.

Leonard: Oh, these are a little different. There’s a tradition at elite universities…

Howard: And Princeton.

Leonard: A tradition of hunts full of puzzles that rely on logic and obscure knowledge, science.

Penny: Oh, in ours we would just run around town looking for a store that would sell us beer.

Raj: So, uh, who’s in?

Leonard: I think it sounds fun.

Amy: Yeah, me, too.

Various: I’m in, let’s do it.

Sheldon: I’m sorry. Are we really doing this or are we tricking Koothrappali again like with the dinner party?

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: What’s all this?

Sheldon: Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt.

Leonard: You really think he’s gonna send us to a bowling alley?

Sheldon: Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.

Raj: Okay, everybody. Who’s ready for a scavenger hunt? (Pumping disco music) Somewhere in the city of Pasadena, I’ve hidden a golden coin. You will be faced with a total of ten puzzles. Each p… (cough) each, each puzzle will lead you to the location of the next, the last of which will lead you to the coin. The first team that finds it wins.

Sheldon: He is a born showman.

Raj: Any questions?

Howard: Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?

Leonard: It’s not funny.

Sheldon: No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school.

Leonard: Ha-ha.

Sheldon: Oh, see? Now he gets it.

Raj: Okay, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.

Bernadette: Should we just do couples?

Leonard: Couples sounds great. Or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat. Whatever.

Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me.

Leonard: I just said, couples sound great.

Penny: Mm-hmm, yeah, you don’t think I’m smart enough. You think I’m gonna be a liability. Even though I totally just used the word liability correctly in a sentence. Yeah.

Leonard: All right, let’s, let’s do couples. I want to.

Penny: No, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon, and we’re gonna kick your ass!

Sheldon: Really? The only time I’m ever picked first for a team and I’m stuck with the liability?

Amy: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.

Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?

Amy: Maybe we pick names out of a hat.

Scene: Penny’s apartment. (Montage with scenes in the apartment and Leonard’s bedroom)

Penny: All right, hurry up and close the door so they can’t hear us. Would you stop pouting? So, you picked my name. Get over it.

Sheldon: Yes, and do you know what the odds are I’d pick your name?

Penny: No.

Sheldon: It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting.

Raj (over walkie-talkie): All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me.

Sheldon: What are you doing? You have to start with the edges.

Penny: Well, there’s no right way, Sheldon. I already found a few pieces that fit.

Sheldon: Yeah, well, take them apart and start with the edges. And stop wasting time.

Howard: Wow, you’re really good at puzzles.

Amy: I did them all the time as a kid. As my mom used to say, when you’re doing a puzzle, it’s like having a thousand friends. She was full of fun lies like that.

Howard: If it makes you feel any better, my mom’s just full of pound cake.

Amy: I’m sorry you got stuck with me. I bet you wanted to be with Bernadette.

Howard: Have you ever played a game with Bernadette?

Amy: No.

Howard: Have you ever gone into a steel cage with a wolverine?

Bernadette: Faster, faster, faster! Do you not know that word? It means more fast!

Leonard: Stop yelling at me.

Bernadette: Hey, you’ll know when I’m yelling at you.

Penny: Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go.

Sheldon: But we haven’t finished the puzzle.

Penny: But, it, it doesn’t matter. We know the answer, come on.

Sheldon: You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?

Penny: Okay, it’s not gonna say that.

Sheldon: Well, I hope you’re wrong. I really want to go to the train store.

Howard: It’s the comic book store. Let’s go.

Bernadette: Come on, numb nuts, it’s the comic book store.

Penny: It’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store.

Sheldon: It’s the comic book store.

Scene: Leonard’s car.

Leonard: Do you think Penny’s mad at me?

Bernadette: Because you’re in the right lane behind a bus and you won’t go around it? I’m sure she finds it charming.

Leonard: No, because I didn’t want her on my team.

Bernadette: I’m starting to think she dodged a b*llet. The slowest b*llet in the world.

Leonard: Geez, I never realized you were so competitive.

Bernadette: Yeah, I know. Its, it’s probably because I grew up with five brothers and sisters so I had to fight for every… Oh, my God, you did not just slow down for a bird, you know they fly, right?

Scene: Howard’s car.

Amy: I think this is the first time we’ve ever actually been alone together.

Howard: Huh, I guess you’re right. Wonder why that is?

Amy: Well, off the top of my head, I’d say we don’t have a lot in common except for the people we’re involved with. Plus, when we first met, Penny warned me never to get into a car alone with you.

Howard: Yeah. You know, I bet you and I have more in common than we think.

Amy: Such as?

Howard: I don’t know. Tell me some things you like.

Amy: Uh, let’s see. I like harps, Little House on the Prairie, medieval poetry, medieval literature…

Howard: Hey, how about some music?

Amy: Great. Sheldon never lets me listen to music in the car. He doesn’t want to be mistaken for a g*ng member.

Howard: Find something you like.

Amy: Beatles, boring. Eminem, scary. Weird Al? How old are you? Neil Diamond?

Howard: Yeah, I love Neil Diamond.

Amy: I love Neil Diamond.

Both: Sweet Caroline, bum-ba-da, good times never seemed so good, so good, so good, so good. I’ve been inclined…

Scene: The comic book store.

Raj: Oh, hey, thanks for letting me use the comic book store as part of the scavenger hunt.

Stuart: Oh, my pleasure. Always happy to help out with fun things that I wasn’t invited to be a part of.

Raj: Oh, congratulations. You’re the first team to arrive.

Amy: Yes, it’s not a ruse to make fun of me. It’s a real game and I’m winning it.

Raj: Your next puzzle is a riddle. And who better to give it to you than The Riddler?

Bernadette: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! How am I faster than you? I’m in heels and I stopped to take a phone call.

Leonard: I have asthma. Back off.

Howard: Riddle me this. Arrah, Arrah, and gather round, the work of this hero is legion-bound. He multiplies N by the number of He, and in this room the thing you’ll see.

Raj: Good riddle, huh?

Stuart: Yeah. So when you guys plan fun activities, does my name even come up, or…?

Raj: I invited you to my m*rder mystery party.

Stuart: No, you didn’t.

Raj: Oh.

Penny: Ugh, we’re the last ones here, hurry up.

Sheldon: It is a marathon, not a sprint.

Penny: People run in a marathon.

Sheldon: Not with a bowling ball on their back.

Leonard: Hey, Penny, I just wanted to say good luck, and I hope there’s no hard feelings.

Bernadette: Hey, Romeo. Repair your relationship on your own time.

Leonard: Relax, it’s a hard puzzle. It’s gonna take a while to solve.

Penny: Riddle me this…

Sheldon: Got it.

Penny: Hey, Princeton, look at that, Team Community College Night School is in the lead.

Sheldon: I thought we were the Lightning Sharks.

Howard: Hey, you know what this could mean (whispers).

Amy: Oh, oh, that’s good. Then this would be (whispers back)

Howard: That’s it.

Amy: To the Neil Mobile.

Bernadette: I knew it, we’re gonna lose.

Leonard: Wait, I got it. I got it/

Bernadette: Congratulations, you got it last.

Leonard: You’re really mean, you know that?

Stuart: So no one’s gonna buy anything.

Scene: The geology lab at the University.

Penny: Aha. Okay, let’s see. To continue on your quest, leave no stone unturned. Ooh.

Sheldon: The next clue must be hidden under one of these rocks.

Penny: Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab?

Sheldon: Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?

Penny: Yes.

Sheldon: Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.

Penny: Wow. I can drink a beer underwater.

Sheldon: And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…

Penny: Shut up. I solved it.

Sheldon: Those are map coordinates. Got ‘em. Let’s go.

Penny: Well, wait. Don’t you want to know how I figured it out?

Sheldon: No one likes a know-it-all, Penny.

Scene: Howard’s car.

Howard: On the boats and on the planes.

Amy: They’re coming to America.

Howard: Never looking back again.

Amy: They’re coming to America… ♪

Scene: Leonard’s car.

Leonard: Um, I’m okay with you driving my car. I’m not okay with you flying my car.

Bernadette: Don’t sweat it, my dad’s a cop. He can fix things.

Leonard: Uh-huh. Like death?

Bernadette (out of the window): Your kid may be an honour student but you’re a moron.

Leonard: Penny’s not answering my texts.

Bernadette: Who cares? Focus on the game.

Leonard: This stupid game is why she’s mad in the first place. I’m telling her I’m quitting.

Bernadette: No. Quitting would be the worst thing for your relationship.

Leonard: Why?

Bernadette: Because it would make you seem like something she already thinks you are.

Leonard: What does she think I am?

Bernadette: How do I put this? She’s been known to call you a name that usually applies to a lady part. Or a cat. Or a willow.

Leonard: I can’t believe she would say that about me.

Bernadette: If you’re gonna cry about it there’s tissues in my purse. Unless you got some in yours. Big willow.

Scene: Howard’s car.

Howard: They’re coming to America, They’re coming to America.

Amy: Today!

Howard: Today!

Together: Today! Today!

Scene: Penny’s car.

Sheldon: Okay, another 30 feet.

Penny: Okay. Oh, it’s a bowling alley.

Sheldon: Yes. Yes. My brain is better than everybody’s.

Scene: The geology lab.

Howard: Love on the rocks.

Amy: Ain’t no big surprise.

Howard: Just pour me a drink.

Amy: And I’ll tell you some lies.

Scene: The apartment stairwell. Leonard is lowering himself down the lift shaft.

Leonard: Call me a lady part. We’ll see about that.

Bernadette: Can you reach the clue?

Leonard: Almost.

Bernadette: Hurry, Sheldon and Penny were right behind us in the bowling alley.

Leonard: Got it.

Bernadette: Great, climb back up. Come on.

Leonard: Yeah, Penny might be onto something.

Scene: Penny’s car.

Sheldon: To the planetarium.

Penny: Let’s go.

Scene: Leonard’s car.

Leonard: To the tar pits.

Bernadette: Let’s go.

Scene: Howard’s car.

Amy: There’s a Neil Diamond concert next month.

Howard: Let’s go.

Scene: The laundry room.

Penny: Three bags, no one’s opened ‘em. we’re the first ones here.

Sheldon: It’s dirty laundry. You’re up.

Penny: What? Why me?

Sheldon: Because you’ve been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry.

Bernadette: They’re here first. This is because you made me slow down for that blind guy.

Penny: Okay, the clue must be in the bag.

Leonard: The clue must be in the bag.

Penny: It’s just a bunch of pants.

Leonard: It’s just a bunch of pants.

Penny: You know, I’m surprised you want to copy my answers since I’m not even smart enough to be on your team.

Leonard: Well, why would you want to be on someone’s team who you like to call a, I can’t even say it in front of Sheldon.

Penny: What are you talking about?

Leonard: You know exactly what I’m talking about.

Bernadette: No, she doesn’t. I just made that up.

Leonard: Why would you do that?

Bernadette: Because you were about to quit like a big, Sheldon, cover your ears.

Sheldon: I’m not a child. I know the word ninny.

Penny: Yeah, well, you should have quit ’cause I’m still gonna b*at your ass.

Bernadette: Wish I had a man like her on my team.

Leonard: Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this.

Sheldon: Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt.

Penny: Oh.

Sheldon: Hey, that’s my shirt.

Leonard: This one is, too.

Sheldon: No, no, that’s not mine. It has a big spot on it.

Penny: But wait. So does this one.

Bernadette: Maybe the spot’s the clue.

Penny: Sheldon’s spot. The coin is in your spot.

Sheldon: Oh, that’s clever.

Penny (off): Hurry.

Sheldon: Be there in a minute. I just have to pre-soak these.

Scene: The stairwell.

Bernadette: Stop her, Leonard, stop her.

Penny: Well, where the hell’s the coin?

Leonard: Wasn’t the answer Sheldon’s spot?

Raj: Oh, yes, Leonard. Yes, it was.

Bernadette: Then where’s the coin?

Raj: Yes, exactly. Where is the coin? Why don’t you look in your pockets? I slipped them in there earlier today.

Penny: I don’t get it.

Raj: Don’t you see? When we’re all having fun together, we’re already winners. Oh, look. See? Even I’m a winner.

Leonard: Are you kidding me?

Penny: That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Bernadette: You suck so hard.

Raj: Well, I thought… Come on, I didn’t want anyone to feel bad at the end of the game. And some of those puzzles were really hard and I didn’t know who was gonna get Penny.

Penny: Run.

Raj: Okay, okay, that-that came out wrong, but you have to admit, you all had a wonderful time.

Penny: Run to India.

Raj: I just wanted to do something beautiful.

Sheldon (entering): Hey, look. I won.

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory, karaoke night.

Howard: Hey, she got the way to move me, Cherry,

Amy: She got the way to groove me.

Howard: Cherry, baby

Amy: She got the way to move me, honey.

Together: She got the way to groove me. She got the way to move me.

Howard: Cherry

Together: She got the way to groove me, yeah!