4x09 - The Witches of Bushwick

[bunniefuu]

Into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

Blair, don't fall off the wagon now.

I haven't! It's just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill ex sex, fueled by the most common of aphrodisiacs mutual loathing and disdain.

Relationships with faculty are strictly forbidden.

When I met you, I was running away from someone.

I'm sorry that I ran right into you.

Good luck, Serena.

Hey, Dan, I'll wait outside for you, for however long it takes.

I really miss you.

Just give me a second chance.

I won't let you down.

You tried to destroy my friendship with Blair, my reputation, my academic career.

You failed every time, and now it's time for you to go.

A friends of ours thinks we that we share mutual enemies on the Upper East Side, and, well, I could really use some help from the inside right now.

What exactly did you have in mind? *** *** And who am I? That's a secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me.

X.

O.

X.

O.

, Gossip Girl.

On the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless.

Dom or Krug, Winston or Cartier, Tory or Stella, eventually, even the people with everything have to choose.

* Shot in some sun-drenched piazza * * Or whatever in Rome * Hey, why are you guys eating? I thought we were going to Sarabeth's.

Uh, we decided we can spread out better here.

There's more room to work.

On what? Your calculus homework? Uh, your love life.

It's a little something called Dan versus Nate.

We're here to help.

And we brought protractors.

A venn diagram? Really? You you seriously expect me to make this monumental decision with colored pencils and graph paper? Don't mock.

Elliot got an 800 on his math S.

A.

T.

Mm-hmm.

Probability, set theory.

It's, uh, basically what they do when you join an online dating service.

Okay, e's harmony, I will submit to your method.

But just so you know, I did choose.

I called Dan right after I broke up with Colin.

And Nate showed up and said some things that I couldn't ignore.

And then? Well, I ignored him, ran up to my room, and haven't spoken to either since.

That's a familiar coping mechanism.

Well let's see how you cope with this.

"Why did Colin Forrester leave Columbia students "eager to learn about the psychology of business? Answer his funny business with Serena Van Der Woodsen.

" Mom, you have to call them and make them print a retraction and an apology.

You know that's not true.

Half of New York saw you kiss him at the ballet.

Dean Reuther would like to see us in her office.

Well, looks like our compatibility worksheet will have to wait.

* Without you, oh * * Oh, oh, oh, oh * Hey, Serena, it's me.

Uh, I saw your thing in the "Post.

" Just wanted you to know Brooklyn is a great place to avoid nasty looks Unless you throw your recycling in the regular trash or try to open a giant chain store with questionable labor practices, but anyway, call me.

I left her the same message, only without the lame Brooklyn joke.

But you shouldn't wait by your phone, man.

Well, last I checked, the only thing Serena wanted from you was to make some billionaire jealous.

Oh! You mean the same thing she wanted from you? Why are you even here? I assume you're responsible.

I totally understand if you guys are still mad at me for what happened with Serena, but obviously, you miss each other.

I'll take that awkward pause as a "yes.

" Don't think this means that I've been calling out your name in my sleep.

It's not like I've been writing "Mrs.

Nate Humphrey" in my notebook.

There's nothing like a friendly benefit to start a day of meetings about getting the empire back on top.

You do thrive in that position.

I'm sure your black and white ball for the hotel association will remind everyone of that.

And with your glow, Anne Archibald will beg you to be the face of her new foundation.

It's a hormonal response to orgasm, nothing more.

What else could it be? What indeed.

Too bad it couldn't get me an While I love to delay your gratification, I can curb your cravings if you'd care to join me there tonight before my party.

You have a reservation? Tonight? I can tell my business associates something came up.

Unless you object.

Nothing wrong with a lobster potpie between friends.

I'll see you at 8:00.

Dorota! I need Sam Brocato and an assortment of Chlo? That's subtle but sexy.

For your meeting with Mrs.

Archibald? No, for my dinner with Chuck.

And I see your brain trying to translate the implications from Polish, but there are none.

So stop thinking and do.

Delucie, it's Chuck Bass.

I need a favor.

I wouldn't ask, but it's important.

Great.

You can at least try to hide your disappointment.

Well, I have nothing to hide.

I simply want to put this behind us.

Even if I have to wear a Scarlet letter for something I didn't do? Dean Reuther, I'm sorry you have to disrupt your day with such trivial matters.

It's hardly trivial, Mrs.

Humphrey.

I'm sure you saw the wall of paparazzi at the campus gates.

Well, I assure you, none of us is interested in this kind of media attention.

I hope you'll let our family make it up to you with an endowment.

Maybe you could use it to build a moat around the school, keep out the press.

The only thing I'd like from your family is to withdraw your daughter from our university.

What? Over a gossip column? Hundreds of parents have called, concerned about teachers.

I'm sorry, Serena.

I have to look at the bigger picture.

It's no longer just your education that's being disrupted.

Well, I'm sure you've realized that Serena was accepted at other Ivy League institutions.

Mom, please.

Well, getting out of the city is probably your best course of action.

We can refund her tuition, and I am happy to facilitate a transfer.

I think you misunderstood me.

Serena chose Columbia.

And despite your judgment, she is the victim here.

And I'm sure "The Times" would love to do an article about a dean who tolerates professors in power positions exploiting female students.

Well, I hope you'll consider my offer.

I swear, I thought I was over Serena until I realized how much Juliet had come between us.

I just felt like we had to try again.

Is that what you were telling her after the ballet? Yeah, until you showed up.

I haven't heard from her since.

Nah, me neither.

So, look, you and I are friends, and we both like the same girl.

We tried pretending that we didn't.

But we do.

And we tried to act like we don't care that we're friends But we do.

Ohh.

That was good.

That was good.

So so what if we both take our best shot, and like the gentlemen we are, agree to be okay with whoever she picks? What are you trying to say? Let the best man win? 'Cause I just did.

I think dean Reuther was actually trembling.

You were very impressive.

I was, wasn't I? Thank you for believing me.

It means a lot.

Well, promise me no more surprises.

You know everything, I swear.

Jenny.

Oh! That's the kind of surprise I like.

I wish I could say the same.

I'm gonna say hi to Eric and Elliot.

Well, nice to see you, too, Serena.

Oh, she's had a rough day.

I thought you weren't coming in until the holidays? Oh! Mm.

Jenny has something she needs to tell you.

Uh yeah.

This girl, Juliet sharp, called me in Hudson and asked for my help to take Serena down.

Now I know Serena still hates me, so I might have done something like this last year, but not now.

Well, Serena has filled me in, and luckily, Juliet's reign is over now that she's failed to get Serena kicked out of Columbia.

Well, I don't know.

Um, she said she was gonna leak a story to page six.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry.

If I thought she was serious, I would've come to you sooner.

Um, she also said that she knew more and she wasn't afraid to use it.

Thank you, Jenny.

You did the right thing.

And I will take it from here.

Okay.

Well I know you have to get back to M.

O.

M.

A.

and your abstract expressionism day with mom, but it's been nice having you, even for a minute.

Thanks, dad.

Mm.

Mm.

Mmm.

Bye.

Yeah, everything's in place on my end.

Vanessa has the boys set, too.

Looks like Serena will finally get what she deserves.

Well, maybe I miss the Upper East Side after all.

Watch out, S.

Looks like Brooklyn finally has a team again.

And this time, they brought in a ringer.

It is so nice to see you again, Anne.

You, too, Blair.

You know, even though things didn't work out with you and Nathaniel, I've remained impressed with you, which is why you were the first person I thought of to replace me as the face of the girls inc.

Foundation.

I'd be honored to carry on your philanthropic tradition.

But I feel I need to tell you the board is very focused on the fact that the head of a female empowerment organization needs to be someone who's empowered herself.

Well, they're in luck, because power isn't just my mission, it's my mantra.

It's more Your personal relationships that are in question.

I assume you don't mean Nate.

So I took your advice about the relaunch.

After tonight, it will be clear I'm back in the game with Victrola, gimlet, and the empire as my flagship.

Yeah, but a black and white ball? It's so Hilton Conrad, not Paris.

I take your insult as flattering.

Well, don't.

People aren't checking into the empire for a black-tie experience.

They come to live like Chuck Bass No rules, no repercussions.

They still can.

The hotel is the same as ever.

But you aren't.

When you disappeared, you seriously damaged your brand, and the hotel has paid the price.

People do change.

Not that I know if Chuck has, since I rarely associate with him anymore.

So what do you suggest? If you want to rebuild, you need to commit to being the hedonist everyone loves to hate.

No one wants a soft-hearted has-been who's worried about dating Blair Waldorf.

Trust me, a relationship with Blair is the furthest thing from my mind.

People may forgive the choices you've made in your past.

But if you want this foundation in your future, I'll need some assurance that Charles won't be a part of it.

He's not even part of my present.

You were right.

Lily has requested a meeting.

Trust me, nothing drives a wedge between mother and daughter more than Lily trying to cover up for Serena.

Why hide your talents in Hudson? I didn't wanna cross any more lines trying to defend myself against Blair.

But When you told me they went after Vanessa at the ballet, I had to help.

Blair's pathological for sure, but half of what she does is to protect Serena.

And she never pays consequences or takes responsibility.

Which is exactly why we need to turn everyone against Serena, so she finally knows what it feels like to be an outsider.

Well, I'd say you're pretty expert at this yourself.

I just like visual aides.

Uh, Nate and Dan are friends again? Mm-hmm.

Great, so we just need to get Serena's phone.

I already did one better.

I replaced her SIM card with a new one, and I put all her contacts in so she can call out, but this phone has her actual SIM so we get all her incoming calls and texts.

And we can send whatever responses we want, and she'll never know because her phone's not even missing.

You know, if you stuck around here, we would all be working for you in a week.

Okay, so you guys wait for incoming calls, and I am gonna go meet Lily.

I've been rethinking dinner.

I read a few more reviews, and the crowds are big, and the portions are small.

I read the same thing.

Why waste our time on mediocrity? Where exactly did you read that? I assume the same place you did.

I didn't! I lied because Anne Archibald doesn't want the face of her foundation to be associated with Chuck Bass.

What's your excuse? K.

C.

thinks you're too good for my bad reputation, and it's hurting business.

Well, we can't very well risk our futures for some meaningless dinner.

Even if it would be wrong to assume we're anything more than old acquaintances sharing a side of spinach.

Why take the risk? I'll see you at your place.

Is now too soon? Don't look at me like that.

You're the one who's black and white and read all over.

How do you think that happened? A secret relationship.

But Chuck and I are not in a relationship.

What are you, a foot fetishist? They're done.

B.

, come on.

You and Chuck have way too much history to interact in a casual way.

I just don't want to see you get hurt or lose this opportunity with Anne.

I won't, as long as I keep my heart locked away and our interactions off the street.

As for your devoted suitors, have you finally decided on whom to crush? No, and I have feelings for both, and I don't want to hurt either.

I have a whole new appreciation for "Big Love.

" Well, even in Utah, only the men get to have more than one spouse, which, I've come to realize, is extremely sexist.

You should add it to the Girls Inc.

agenda.

But seriously, B.

, what am I supposed to do? And please don't say make a list, because Eric and Elliot already tried that.

Lists are for kids.

Dilemmas like these require a meditative state.

I find mine by watching Dorota feed the ducks.

You can borrow her as long as she's back by dinner.

Thank you, but ducks and Dorota couldn't compare to the zen of shopping.

So go forth to Madison and seek out the perfect dress, and then follow your heart to the perfect guy.

Okay, sensei.

I actually have to get something for the black and white ball tonight, so I have nothing to lose.

But remember, when it comes to Chuck, you do.

All right, so it's decided.

We'll each invite her on a best date ever, something that's true to who we are, shows her why we're the right guy.

Oh, so you're gonna take to her to one of those weird movies that doesn't make sense even No, I'm gonna take her to Frankie's 457.

She'll feel like she discovered something new, a place where no one cares if she's Serena Van Der Woodsen.

Aw, dude.

I won already.

Why, 'cause you're gonna go make her watch you play lacrosse? She loves lacrosse, especially when it's followed by dinner at per se, and everyone we grew up with was talking about how perfect we are together.

All right, you're on, for tonight, before Chuck's party.

Done.

And whoever she says "yes" to is the guy she wants, never, never to be discussed or debated again.

Okay.

Hey, don't worry.

I'm not one of those winners who rubs it in the loser's face, okay? Okay? Seriously, how many times can Blair text that she knows she's being paranoid but she just wants to make sure that Serena isn't going after Anne Archibald's foundation? Well, we should write back and thank her for giving us exactly the information we needed.

Oh, this is perfect.

Dan and Nate both invited her out tonight.

And Serena's gonna reject both of them, but only after she toys with them enough to make them hate her, at least for tonight.

As much as I find K.

C.

personally abhorrent, she's right about black and white.

It's decent rather than decadent.

Did you have something more devious in mind? Saints and sinners has a nice feel.

There is something alluring about an angel drawn to the dark side.

Or a devil redeemed.

? 443 00:19: Mmm.

Mmm, where inhibitions can't help but break free.

I'll let K.

C.

and Gossip Girl know.

Now How to impress Anne with your virtue? I could denounce your unseemly party.

At a tasteful dinner, in front of the whole board.

Of course, no one does black like Dior.

I appreciate the tea, Mrs.

Humphrey, but I'm not really sure why I'm here.

Well, I knew you had a problem with Serena when you tried to keep her out of Hamilton house, but it's come to my attention that you are also responsible for page six.

Yes, well, I guess that's the thing when you're not born with a silver spoon in your mouth.

You wanna eat, you have to work.

Yes, and it seems that you've made a career out of harassing my daughter.

Serena and Colin are over.

Do not continue to jeopardize her future.

I won't mention Colin's name again, I swear If only he were the only teacher Serena had an inappropriate relationship with.

I'm not sure what you're referring to.

Oh, I'm pretty sure that you are.

Something like that does not go down without a parent knowing.

I mean, boarding school? Serena was a minor.

Anyway, knowing that it's a pattern Might help dean Reuther find her grounds for expulsion.

So how much will it take for you to leave my daughter alone? Oh, I don't know.

This design is brilliant, and I have nothing like it.

But that one I could wear everywhere.

How is this better than venn diagrams? Maybe I should get both.

I-I thought the point was to choose.

Attention, party people Bass' black and white has added some fire and ice.

Whether you're a saint or a sinner, the afterlife never looked so good.

Great.

Now neither of these will work.

Should I be a saint or a sinner? No.

Dan vs.

Nate was hard enough.

I am not touching good vs.

bad, Serena.

We'll see you later.

We should go as Bacchus and Sergius.

Yes, we should.

Thanks, guys.

Thank you.

I'm not so sure white's your color.

What are you doing here? I assume you mean, how can a poor girl like me afford anything in a place like this? You only have yourself to blame for Colin cutting you off.

Luckily, I have a new benefactor.

I think you know her.

Lily Van Der Woodsen? Bass? Humphrey? What is her last name? Oh, you know what? I can just look at the check.

My mom already called the "Post.

" Page six is printing a retraction.

Why would she give you anything? I guess she didn't want the whole world to know you other secret.

What a shame for everyone to find out what an embarrassment it is to have you as a daughter.

Hmm.

Hey, uh, you don't happen to be at the loft with a blonde we don't talk about.

I'm here.

Serena's not.

Did you need me to leave before she gets here? No, no, no.

I was expecting her here at the park anyway.

I just I thought maybe my loft was the only place she knew in Brooklyn.

Thanks anyway.

* Serena's not there waiting for me, is she? Why would she be? I thought you scared her off with your heartfelt declarations.

No, she was supposed to meet me at the Frick.

I don't know what happened.

We must've had some miscommunication.

They do seem to be your area of expertise.

In fact, you've probably said your share of inappropriate things during intercourse.

So what'd you do? Did you call a girl by another girl's name? Talk a little too dirty? It's not funny.

I may have uttered those three little words that change everything.

But she probably didn't even hear me.

Scientifically speaking, intense pleasure does dull the other senses.

Relax, man.

Girls know that when a guy says that during sex, it doesn't mean "I love you.

" It means, "I love having sex with you.

" Of course.

Thanks.

For Mrs.

Archibald and the ladies, I ordered Petrossian caviar and blini for appetizer.

Why would you do that? You know Mr.

Chuck loves caviar.

But but you love, too.

E-everyone loves Okay, fine, Dorota.

Since you badgered it out of me, yes, it's true.

Chuck said he loved me while in a compromising position.

He did? He did.

Oh, this is just like in book when time traveler comes to declare love for lost princess.

Yes, but unlike your dirty, long-haired Lothario, Chuck probably didn't mean it.

He simply blurted it out in the height of passion.

But Mr.

Chuck does not seem like blurter.

Well, he's obviously become one, and I did the polite thing and acted like I didn't hear.

You didn't say "I love you" back? And be a weak, sniveling, "stand by your man" who never runs a foundation or anything else? No! I am an empowered woman, and I won't let three words that were probably meaningless change that.

This is obviously distracting you from your work.

Did you pay Juliet off? Uh, Bruce, let me call you back.

If you mean, did I ask Juliet to stop leaking information to page six? The answer is yes.

You never believed that I didn't sleep with Colin, did you? You just said that to the dean so that I could stay at Columbia.

I wanted you to be able to move forward and focus on your future.

What did she even say she has? What's important is that it's taken care of.

She has nothing because I did nothing.

So you believe her over me? You know, you just let yourself get blackmailed for no reason.

Can you blame me? It's not like you have a history of great decision making.

How can I when you disapprove of every choice I've ever made? No matter how hard I try to do the right thing, you always just assume the worst.

Lobster potpie, cheesecake in a jar, and John Delucie! Chuck asked me to make sure everything was perfect.

Chuck did this? So romantic, like in book when time traveler sends sign of true love from future, and princess needs to get to grand ball where he is waiting.

And if she too late, the rift in the time-space continuum close up forever.

Miss Blair? Uh, we have mixed company.

Tell Anne and the board that I've been delayed.

And unless you want to raise Ana in Poland, don't let them leave before I get back.

Where you going? Mm.

Straight to hell with all the other sinners.

Hey, what are you doing here? We agreed to let this go after the text.

Yeah, I know, and she texted me that she'd meet me, only she stood me up.

I'm guessing she did the same thing to you.

Yeah.

What are you guys doing here? This is really not a good time.

Yeah, and obviously you're not gonna end this, so we are.

You know how we both feel.

You have until midnight to decide.

Eric just texted Serena to see how she's doing after the blow-out with her mom and to make sure she's still on for dinner.

Now the only one left is Blair.

Anne Archibald's foundation board members at dinner.

Tell them that Serena would like to be considered for the position.

What do I do if Blair sees me? Lie.

Looks like the battle between Brooklyn and the Upper East Side had finally come to a head.

Word has it lonely boy and golden boy both declared their love.

They gave Cinderella until midnight to decide.

That Carolina Herrera dress makes her look like an angel, but this decision is demonic I can't believe it.

Dan and Nate will forgive her anything.

How do we keep her from making a choice? We don't.

We make it for her.

Take off your clothes and take out your credit card.

And the forces of evil are just getting started.

I should've known taking down Serena involved wearing the perfect dress.

Well, anytime I can combine styling with revenge Plus, this isn't exactly my first masquerade party.

I'll see you inside.

Good luck, man.

Yeah, you, too.

Serena Van Der Woodsen.

Go ahead.

Thank you.

That should keep Serena out long enough for us to make her life hell.

She's here.

I just spotted her.

Now you just need to figure out a way to get the board meeting moved here.

I don't think these ladies wanna witness Chuck's eternal damnation.

Tell Anne that Blair's arranged a special surprise to show her dedication to girls inc.

And, Vanessa, you really need to start showing more initiative.

Jenny's carrying you on this thing.

I know.

Hey! Serena, have you seen Chuck? Wait! I know that you don't think you my being with him is a good idea, but you have bad ideas all the time.

I don't wanna lose the foundation, but what's wrong with wanting to keep it secret just long enough to find out how he really feels? I didn't approve of your thing with Colin, but at least I had the decency to talk to you about it.

Well, I didn't, but you should! I know it's not my bolognese.

No, Rufus.

I'm sorry.

It's delicious.

I'm just I'm just upset about this Serena situation.

I thought we'd all moved on.

And Serena broke things off with Colin.

The "Post" is apologizing.

The dean can't force Serena out of school.

And by next semester, this whole thing will be forgotten.

Well, it'd be a lot easier if Colin was the first teacher that Serena had been involved with.

Really? Someone at Constance? Boarding school.

Boarding school? Serena was just a kid.

Serena was never a kid.

Believe me.

This was after the Shepherd wedding, Pete Fairman It didn't end well.

I was lucky I found a way to handle it.

Well, just because it happened then doesn't mean it's happening now.

Hey.

Listen, I'm sorry for laying it on the line like that earlier.

It's just Serena, you have no idea the hell you've put me through.

It is me, right? So you ready? As hard as it's gonna be, I-I know what I have to do.

Hi.

Uh, Eric and Serena Van Der Woodsen and Elliot Leichter.

Go on in.

What was that name again? Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought he told you.

Serena Van Der Woodsen.

Nice try, but she's already inside.

Well, that's a mistake because I'm her.

Sorry.

Do you have I.

D.

? I didn't come to rent a car.

Everyone here knows me.

Eric, can you get Chuck or K.

C.

? And hurry, please.

I don't want to keep them waiting.

Serena! Hey, there you are.

Excellent.

That that was a Kiss hello, right? Not a kiss good-bye? I think I might need another to be sure.

Are are you gonna tell Nate? Let him know I'm, uh, I'm sorry.

I mean, not sorry enough to want you to change your mind, but I avoided K.

C.

's prying eyes.

I appreciate that, and you being here half-dressed.

But don't you have a denouncement to attend? Dorota's distracting the board with Delucie's cavatelli until I get back.

I heard what you said.

What conversation are you referring to exactly? Three one syllable words that, under the circumstances, you may or may not have meant.

Do you want me to have meant them? If they were true, I would want to know.

Of course.

* They bark and scream out for God and their mothers.

Well I should get back to Anne.

I meant it, Blair With all my heart.

You gonna say something this time? I will.

I-I mean I do.

You realize we can't have everything.

Anne won't be the only person who might think you're weak for forgiving me.

And you won't build a business based on being New York's bad boy bachelor.

I understand the consequences.

Are you willing to pay them? Serena, what are you doing?! Looks like saints and sinners aren't the only ones battling for souls tonight.

What say we go up in flames together? It's no surprise C.

and B.

succumbed to the dark side.

But how about the boys from opposite sides of the bridge? It's hard to get word when they're both lip-locked with Serena Van Der Woodsen.

Lucky I have the pictures to prove it.

Anne? I can explain.

I'm not sure how this shows your dedication to girls inc.

You know, you lost any sympathy I may have had for your previous choices the moment I saw you kissing Charles in your underwear.

Shouldn't empowered women get to have relationships, too? Being with Chuck doesn't make me less Blair.

I'm sorry, but it does.

The man you're with may not be a reflection of you, but you will always be a reflection of him.

That's not fair.

Maybe not, but the sooner you accept it, the easier your decisions will be.

And please tell Serena while I appreciate her interest in the position, she's not the type of girl we're looking for either.

At least she was polite.

I doubt we'll have that with K.

C.

Give me a minute.

I have to go find Serena.

How could I have kissed either of you when I couldn't even get into the party? So someone dressed exactly like you, wearing your perfume, just happened to be attracted to both of us? I-I don't know.

I-I can't explain it.

So this mystery person texted us from Paris, too? And used us to make some adjunct professor jealous and stood us up? No, I am partially responsible for this.

I came here tonight to tell you how I felt.

Doesn't that count for more than a "Gossip Girl" blast? We can't keep chasing you in circles.

You didn't make the choice.

We made it for you.

I didn't do this.

I'm with him.

So good-bye, Serena.

B.

, you know I didn't kiss both of them.

Do I? It's no worse than what you did to me and Chuck.

What? I had nothing to do with you coming here in your underwear.

You knew what you had to lose.

I kept trying to figure out why you would expose us.

And then Anne Archibald told me that you wanted to be the face of her foundation.

Oh, come on.

When are you gonna give it up? I don't want everything that you want.

I couldn't be less interested.

So Anne, Nate, and Dan are all liars? That's a lot of people to blame, even for you.

Just admit you did the wrong thing, or maybe you don't even know what that is anymore.

You know, you're not the first person to say that today, so I guess it must be true.

You know, it was a bad choice thinking that you'd be on my side.

Not as bad as my believing that you'd ever be happy for my success.

Hey.

Whoa, Serena.

Hey, don't run off.

Why not? Mom's not the only one who still sees me as a messed-up 16-year-old.

No one can see that I've changed.

No one cares.

I-I care.

You're my little brother.

You're not enough.

Oh.

You're just in time to hear K.

C.

tell me how I've destroyed my bad boy business plan once and for all.

I warned you, but it turns out I was wrong.

This party is so decadent and in the private rooms, frankly, ill*gal.

The big romantic gesture showed the hedonist has a heart.

So Blair's the perfect balance? With the press this will get, you can expect the hotel will be fully booked by Monday.

I'm already getting calls for personal appearances.

In fact, I would love to get you some photo ops.

You know, Chuck Bass' girlfriend at store openings, fashion shows, that kind of thing.

Call me and we'll schedule.

It appears the rules are there to be broken.

We can have everything.

No, you can.

It's me who can't.

Hey, hey.

It's okay.

Come on.

I got you.

In the battle between good and evil, score one for the sinners.

Hi.

Sorry.

My friend's had a little bit too much to drink.

Looks like S.

could end up the next saintly sacrifice.

Pleasant dreams, sweet angel.

I'll give you the money to start whatever foundation you want.

It won't change anything.

Anne's right.

As long as I'm with you, I'm Hillary in the White House, and I wanna be Hillary secretary of state, but with better hair.

Then you'll find another way to show the world you're a force to be reckoned with.

We'll build our futures together.

I followed my heart all last year and it led me nowhere.

Now I need to follow my head.

You don't need to choose between them.

Look at Brad and Angelina.

They takes turns on top.

Yeah, but she won an Oscar first.

I'm sorry, but I have to be Blair Waldorf before I can be Chuck Bass' girlfriend.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I don't expect you to wait.

If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back.

Do you really believe that? I do.

So do I.

Still no Juliet? No.

But I gotta get back to Hudson before my luck runs out and I run smack into Blair and my dad.

Well, it was nice to finally win one for team Brooklyn.

You sure you can't stay and celebrate? I can try texting Juliet again.

* * That's the thing about destiny.

Instead of too many choices, you suddenly have none.

The prince of darkness finally sees the light, only to realize it's no longer an option And the time for love has come and gone.

Well, not to sound like a high school cheerleader, but I-I-I'm glad we were in this together.

You're not hot enough to be a high school cheerleader, but me, too.

Otherwise, I'd probably be looking for a reason to blame you.

And you did make a damn good scapegoat.

Hey, you wanna go play red dead redemption? One ground rule, though.

One.

Serena Van Der Woodsen does not exist.

Perfect.

The rest of us just have to keep moving forward Yes, of course.

I understand.

She's over 18.

Y-well, thank you for your call.

That was dean Reuther.

Your sister just withdrew from Columbia.

Alienate everybody, drop out of school, run away That sounds like Serena.

You're right.

I'm not sure there's anything we can do anymore.

Accept the choice is out of your hands.

It's up to the fates to decide.

X.

O.

X.

O.

, Gossip Girl.

[bunniefuu]

(OG version)


GOSSIP GIRL: Gossip Girl here,
your one and only source...

...into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

SERENA:
Blair, don't fall off the wagon now.

I haven't. It's just your ordinary,
run-of-the-mill ex sex...

...fueled by the most common
of aphrodisiacs...

...mutual loathing and disdain.

SERENA: Relationships with faculty
are strictly forbidden.

When I met you, I was running away
from someone. Sorry I ran right into you.

Good luck, Serena.

Hey, Dan, I'll wait outside for you,
for however long it takes.

I really miss you. Give me a second
chance. I won't let you down.

You tried to destroy my friendship with
Blair, my reputation, my academic career.

You failed. Now it's time to go.

A friend thinks we share mutual enemies
on the Upper East Side...

...and I could really use help
from the inside right now.

What exactly did you have in mind?

WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

GOSSIP GIRL: On the Upper East Side,
the possibilities are endless.

Dom or Krug? Winston or Cartier?

Tory or Stella?

Eventually, even the people
with everything have to choose.

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS
AND DOOR OPENS]

Why are you guys eating?
I thought we were going to Sarabeth's.

Uh, we decided we can spread out
better here. More room to work.

On what, your calculus homework?

Ha. Uh, your love life. Just a little
something called Dan versus Nate.

-We're here to help.
-And we brought protractors.

A Venn diagram?

Really? You seriously expect me
to make this monumental decision...

-...with colored pencils and graph paper?
ERIC: Don't mock.

-Elliot got an 800 on his math SAT.
-Mm-hm.

Probability, set theory.

It's, uh, basically what they do
when you join an online dating service.

Okay, E's Harmony,
I'll submit to your method.

But just so you know, I did choose.

I called Dan right after
I broke up with Colin...

...and Nate showed up
and said some things I couldn't ignore.

-And then...?
-Well, I ignored him...

...ran up to my room
and haven't spoken to either since.

That's a familiar coping mechanism.

LILY:
Well, let's see how you cope with this.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Why did Colin Forrester
leave Columbia students eager...

...to learn the psychology of business?

Answer: His funny business with
Serena van der Woodsen."

You have to call them and make them
print a retraction and an apology.

You know that's not true.

Half of New York saw
you kiss him at the ballet.

Dean Reuther would like to see us
in her office.

Well, looks like our compatibility
worksheet will have to wait.

Serena, it's me.
Uh, saw your thing in the Post.

Wanted you to know Brooklyn is
a great place to avoid nasty looks.

Unless you throw your recycling
in the regular trash...

...or open a chain store
with questionable labor practices.

But anyway, call me.

I left her the same message.

Only without the lame Brooklyn joke.

But you shouldn't wait by your phone.

The only thing Serena wanted from you
was to make some billionaire jealous.

Oh. You mean the same thing
she wanted from you?

Why are you even here?
I assume you're responsible.

I understand you're still mad at me
for what happened with Serena.

But obviously you miss each other.

I'll take that awkward pause as a yes.

Don't think this means
I call out your name in my sleep.

It's not like I've been writing
"Mrs. Nate Humphrey" in my notebook.

[CHUCKLES]

Nothing like a friendly benefit
to start the day of meetings...

...about getting the Empire
back on top.

You do thrive in that position.

I'm sure your ball for the Hotel
Association will remind everyone of that.

And with your glow,
Anne Archibald will beg you...

...to be the face
of her new foundation.

It's a hormonal response to orgasm,
nothing more.

What else could it be?

What indeed.

Too bad it couldn't get me
an 8:00 reservation at The Lion.

While I love to delay your gratification,
I can curb your cravings...

...if you'd care to join me there tonight
before my party.

You have a reservation tonight?

I can tell my business associate
something came up, unless you object.

Nothing wrong with a lobster potpie
between friends.

[BLAIR CHUCKLES]

I'll see you at 8.

[SIGHS]

Dorota.

I need Sam Brocato and an assortment
of Chloé that's subtle, but sexy.

For your meeting with Mrs. Archibald?

No, for my dinner with Chuck.

And I see your brain trying to translate
the implications from Polish.

But there are none,
so stop thinking and do.

DeLucie, it's Chuck Bass. I need a favor.

Two for dinner at 8.
I wouldn't ask, but it's important.

Great.

You can at least try
to hide your disappointment.

I have nothing to hide.
I simply want to put this behind us.

Even if I have to wear a scarlet letter
for something I didn't do?

[SIGHS]

Dean Reuther, I'm sorry you have to
disrupt your day with such trivial matters.

It's hardly trivial, Mrs. Humphrey.

I'm sure you saw the wall of paparazzi
at the campus gates.

I assure you none of us is interested in
this kind of media attention.

I hope you'll let our family
make it up to you with an endowment.

Maybe you could use it to build a moat
around the school, keep out the press.

The only thing I'd like from your family
is to withdraw your daughter...

-...from our university.
-What? Over a gossip column?

Hundreds of parents have called
concerned about teachers.

I'm sorry, Serena.
I have to look at the bigger picture.

It's no longer just your education
that's being disrupted.

Well, I'm sure you realize that Serena was
accepted at other Ivy League institutions.

Mom, please.

Well, getting out of the city is probably
your best course of action.

We can refund her tuition
and I am happy to facilitate a transfer.

I think you misunderstood me.

Serena chose Columbia.

And despite your judgment,
she is the victim here.

I'm sure the Times would love to do
an article about a dean who tolerates...

...professors in power positions
exploiting female students.

Well, I hope you'll consider my offer.

I thought I was over Serena
until I realized...

...how much Juliet
had come between us.

I just felt like we had to try again.

Was that what you were telling her
after the ballet?

Yeah, until you showed up.
I haven't heard from her since.

Me neither.
So look, you and I are friends.

We like the same girl.
We tried pretending we didn't--

But we do. And we tried to act like
we don't care that we're friends.

But we do.

-Oh.
-That was good. That was good.

What if we both take our best shot...

...and like gentlemen, agree to be okay
with whoever she picks?

What are you trying to say?
Let the best man win?

Because I just did.

I think Dean Reuther
was actually trembling.

-You were very impressive.
-I was, wasn't I?

Thank you for believing me.
It means a lot.

LILY:
Well, promise me no more surprises.

You know everything, I swear.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Jenny. Ah.

-That's the kind of surprise I like.
-Wish I could say the same.

I'm gonna say hi to Eric and Elliot.

-Nice to see you too, Serena.
-She's had a rough day.

I thought you weren't coming in
until the holidays.

Jenny has something she needs
to tell you.

Uh, yeah, this girl, Juliet Sharp,
called me in Hudson...

...and asked for my help
to take Serena down.

Now, I know Serena still hates me...

...so I might have done something
like this last year, but not now.

Well, Serena has filled me in
and luckily Juliet's reign is over...

...now that she's failed to get Serena
kicked out of Columbia.

Well, I don't know. Um, she said
she was gonna leak a story to Page Six.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

If I thought she was serious,
I would have come to you sooner.

Um, she also said that she knew more
and she wasn't afraid to use it.

Thank you, Jenny.
You did the right thing.

-And I will take it from here.
-Okay.

Well, I know you have to get back
to MoMA...

...and your abstract expressionism day
with Mom.

-It's been nice having you for a minute.
-Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, everything's in place on my end.

Vanessa has the boys set too.

Looks like Serena will finally get
what she deserves.

Maybe I missed
the Upper East Side after all.

GOSSIP GIRL: Watch out, S. Looks like
Brooklyn finally has a team again.

And this time, they brought in a ringer.

-It is so nice to see you again, Anne.
-You too, Blair.

Even though things didn't work out
with Nathaniel...

...I've remained impressed with you.
You were the first person I thought of...

...to replace me as the face of
the Girls Inc. foundation.

I'd be honored to carry on
your philanthropic tradition.

But I feel I need to tell you,
the board is very focused on the fact...

...that the head
of a female empowerment organization...

...needs to be someone
who's empowered herself.

Well, they're in luck, because power
isn't just my mission, it's my mantra.

It's more your personal relationships
that are in question.

I assume you don't mean Nate.

I took your advice about the relaunch.

After tonight, it will be clear
I'm back in the game...

...with Victrola, Gimlet
and the Empire as my flagship.

Yeah, but a black-and-white ball?
It's so Hilton. Conrad, not Paris.

-I take your insult as flattery.
-Well, don't.

People aren't checking into the Empire
for a black-tie experience.

They come to live like Chuck Bass.
No rules, no repercussions.

They still can.
The hotel's the same as ever.

But you aren't. When you disappeared,
you seriously damaged your brand.

And the hotel has paid the price.

People do change.
Not that I'd know if Chuck has...

...since I rarely associate
with him anymore.

-What do you suggest?
-If you want to rebuild...

...you need to commit to being
the hedonist everyone loves to hate.

No one wants a soft-hearted has-been
who's worried about dating Blair Waldorf.

Trust me, a relationship with Blair
is the furthest thing from my mind.

People may forgive the choices
you've made in your past...

...but if you want this foundation
in your future...

...I'll need some assurance that Charles
won't be a part of it.

He's not even part of my present.

You were right.
Lily has requested a meeting.

Trust me, nothing drives a wedge
between mother and daughter more...

-...than Lily trying cover up for Serena.
-Why hide your talents in Hudson?

I didn't want to cross any more lines
trying to defend myself against Blair.

But when you told me they went after
Vanessa at the ballet, I had to help.

Blair's pathological for sure but half
of what she does is to protect Serena.

And she never pays consequences
or takes responsibility.

Which is exactly why we need to
turn everyone against Serena.

So she finally knows what it feels like
to be an outsider.

Uh, I'd say you're pretty expert
at this yourself.

I just like visual A*DS.

-Uh, Nate and Dan are friends again?
-Mm-hm.

-So we just need to get Serena's phone.
-I already did one better.

I replaced her SIM card
with a new one.

And I put her all contacts in
so she can call out...

...but this phone has her actual SIM.

So we get all her incoming calls
and texts.

And we can send whatever
responses we want. She'll never know.

Her phone's not even missing.

You know, if you stuck around here,
we'd all be working for you in a week.

Okay, so you guys wait
for incoming calls...

...and I am gonna go meet Lily.

[SIGHS]

I've been rethinking dinner.
I read a few reviews.

The crowds are big
and the portions are small.

I read the same thing.
Why waste our time on mediocrity?

-Where exactly did you read that?
-I assume the same place you did.

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

I didn't. I lied, because Anne Archibald
doesn't want the face of her foundation...

...to be associated with Chuck Bass.
What's your excuse?

KC thinks you're too good
for my bad reputation...

...and it's hurting business.

Well, we can't very well risk our futures
for some meaningless dinner.

CHUCK: Even if it would be wrong
to assume we're anything more...

...than old acquaintances
sharing a side of spinach?

Why take the risk?

I'll see you at your place.
Is now too soon?

Don't look at me like that. You're the one
who's black and white and read all over.

How do you think that happened?
A secret relationship.

But Chuck and I are not
in a relationship.

What are you, a foot fetishist?
They're done.

B, come on. You and Chuck have way too
much history to interact in a casual way.

I just don't wanna see you get hurt
or lose this opportunity with Anne.

I won't. As long as I keep my heart
locked away...

...and our interactions off the street.

As for your suitors, have you finally
decided on whom to crush?

No, and I have feelings for both
and I don't want to hurt either.

I have a whole new appreciation
for Big Love.

Well, even in Utah, only the men get
to have more than one spouse.

Which I've come to realize
is extremely sexist.

You should add it
to the Girls Inc. agenda.

But seriously,
what am I supposed to do?

Please, don't say make a list.
Eric and Elliot already tried that.

Lists are for kids. Dilemmas like these
require a meditative state.

I watch Dorota feed the ducks. Borrow
her as long as she's back by dinner.

Thanks, but ducks and Dorota couldn't
compare to the Zen of shopping.

Go forth to Madison
and seek out the perfect dress.

Then follow your heart
to the perfect guy.

Okay, sensei. I actually have to get
something for the black-and-white ball.

I have nothing to lose. But remember,
when it comes to Chuck, you do.

All right, so it's decided.

We'll each invite her
on a best-date-ever.

Something true to who we are,
shows her why we're the right guy.

So you're gonna take her to one of those
movies that doesn't make sense...

-...even when you read the subtitles?
-Frankies 457.

She'll feel like she discovered
something new.

A place where no one cares
that she's Serena van der Woodsen.

Oh, dude, I won already.

Because you're gonna make her watch
you play lacrosse?

She loves lacrosse. Especially when
it's followed by dinner at Per Se...

...and everyone's talking about
how perfect we are together.

You're on for tonight,
before Chuck's party.

-Done.
-And whoever she says yes to...

...is the guy she wants.

Never, never to be discussed
or debated again.

Okay. Hey, don't worry.

I'm not one of those winners
who rubs it in the loser's face, okay?

How many times can Blair text
that she knows she's being paranoid...

...but just wants to make sure Serena isn't
going after Anne Archibald's foundation?

We should thank her for giving us
exactly the information we needed.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Wait, this is perfect. Dan and Nate
both invited her out tonight.

And Serena's gonna reject
both of them.

But only after she toys with them
enough to make them hate her...

...at least for tonight.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

As much as I find KC
personally abhorrent...

...she's right about black and white.

It's decent rather than decadent.

Do you have something
more devious in mind?

Saints and sinners has a nice feel.

There's something alluring about
an angel drawn to the dark side.

Or a devil redeemed.

-A masquerade.
-Hmm.

Where inhibitions can't help
but break free.

I'll let KC and Gossip Girl know.

Now, how to impress Anne
with your virtue?

I could denounce your unseemly party.

At a tasteful dinner,
in front of the whole board.

Impeccable plan.

[SIGHS]

This really is a beautiful friendship.

[PANTING AND MOANING]

My black Balenciaga will be perfect
to publicly condemn you.

-I love public.
-I love condemnation.

I love you.

Of course,
no one does black like Dior.

I appreciate the tea, Mrs. Humphrey,
but I'm not really sure why I'm here.

You had a problem with Serena when you
tried to keep her out of Hamilton House...

...but it's come to my attention
you were also responsible for Page Six.

I guess that's the thing when you're not
born with a silver spoon in your mouth.

You wanna eat, you have to work.

Yes, and it seems that you've made
a career out of harassing my daughter.

Serena and Colin are over.

Do not continue to jeopardize
her future.

I won't mention Colin's name again,
I swear.

If only he were the only teacher Serena
had an inappropriate relationship with.

[CLEARS THROAT]

-I'm not sure what you're referring to.
-Oh, I'm pretty sure that you are.

Something like that does not go down
without a parent knowing.

I mean, boarding school?
Serena was a minor.

Anyway, knowing that it's a pattern
might help Dean Reuther...

...find her grounds for expulsion.

So how much will it take for you
to leave my daughter alone?

Oh. I don't know. This design is brilliant
and I have nothing like it.

But that one, I could wear everywhere.

How is this better than Venn diagrams?

-Maybe I should get both.
-I thought the point was to choose.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Attention party people:

Bass's black-and-white
has added some fire and ice.

Whether you're a saint or a sinner,
the afterlife never looked so good.

Great, now neither of these will work.
Should I be a saint or a sinner?

No. Dan versus Nate was hard enough.

I'm not touching good versus bad.
We'll see you later.

-We should go as Bacchus and Sergius.
-Yes, we should.

Thanks, guys.

Thank you.

I'm not so sure white's your color.

What are you doing here?

You mean how can a poor girl like me
afford anything in a place like this?

You only have yourself to blame
for Colin cutting you off.

Luckily I have a new benefactor.

I think you know her. Lily...

...van der Woodsen, Bass, Humphrey?
What is her last name?

You know what?
I can just look at the check.

My mom already called the Post.
Page Six is printing a retraction.

Why would she give you anything?

Guess she didn't want the world to know
your other secret.

What a shame for everyone to find out
what an embarrassment it is...

...to have you as a daughter.

Hmm.

Hey, uh, you don't happen to be at the
loft with a blond we don't talk about?

I'm here. Serena's not. Did you need me
to leave before she gets here?

No, I was expecting her
here at the park.

I just thought maybe my loft was
the only place she knew in Brooklyn.

Thanks anyway.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

[JENNY CLEARS THROAT]

NATE: Serena's not there, is she?
-Why would she be?

You scared her off
with your heartfelt declarations.

She was supposed to meet me
at The Frick.

We must have had
some miscommunication.

They do seem to be your area
of expertise.

In fact, you probably have said
your share...

...of inappropriate things
during intercourse.

So, what did you do, did you call a girl
by another's girl's name?

-Talk a little too dirty?
-It's not funny.

I may have uttered those three little
words that change everything.

But she probably didn't even hear me.

Scientifically speaking, intense pleasure
does dull the other senses.

Ha, ha. Relax, man. Girls know that
when a guy says that during sex...

...it doesn't mean "I love you."

-It means "I love having sex with you."
-Of course. Thanks.

For Mrs. Archibald and the ladies...

...I ordered Petrossian caviar
and blini for appetizer.

Why would you do that?
You know Mr. Chuck loves caviar.

But you love too. Everyone loves--

Okay, fine, Dorota.

Since you badgered it out of me,
yes, it's true.

Chuck said he loved me
while in a compromising position.

-He did?
-He did.

This is just like in book...

...when time traveler comes
to declare love for lost princess.

Yes, but unlike your dirty,
long-haired lothario...

...Chuck didn't mean it. He blurted it out
in the height of passion.

-Mr. Chuck does not seem like blurter.
-Well, he's obviously become one.

And I did the polite thing
and acted like I didn't hear.

You didn't say "I love you" back?

And be a weak, sniveling
"Stand by Your Man"...

...who never runs a foundation
or anything else? No.

I'm an empowered woman.

I won't let three probably meaningless
words change that.

This is obviously distracting you
from your work.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

-Did you pay Juliet off?
-Uh, Bruce, let me call you back.

If you mean did I ask Juliet
to stop leaking information to Page Six...

...the answer is yes.

You never believed
that I didn't sleep with Colin.

You just said that
so I could stay at Columbia.

I wanted you to be able to move forward
and focus on your future.

-What did she even say she has?
-What's important is it's taken care of.

She has nothing because I did nothing.

So you believe her over me?

You just let yourself get blackmailed
for no reason.

Can you blame me?

It's not like you have a history
of great decision-making.

How can I when you disapprove
of every choice I've ever made?

No matter how hard I try to do the right
thing you always just assume the worst.

Lobster potpie, cheesecake in a jar,
and John DeLucie.

Chuck asked me to make sure
everything was perfect.

-Chuck did this?
-So romantic.

Like in book when time traveler sends
sign of true love from future.

And princess needs to get to ball
where he is waiting.

If she too late, the rift in the time-space
continuum close up forever.

-Miss Blair, uh, we have mixed company.
-Tell Anne I've been delayed.

Unless you want to raise Ana in Poland,
don't let them leave before I get back.

Where are you going?

Straight to hell
with all the other sinners.

Hey, what are you doing here?
We agreed to let this go after the texts.

Yeah, I know.
And she texted that she'd meet me.

Only she stood me up.

I'm guessing
she did the same thing to you.

DAN:
Yeah.

What are you guys doing here?
This is really not a good time.

Yeah, and obviously
you're not gonna end this, so we are.

You know how we both feel.
You have until midnight to decide.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Eric just texted Serena to see how she's
doing after the blowout with her mom...

...and make sure
she's still on for dinner.

-Now the only one left is Blair.
JULIET: Here.

Give this résumé to one of Anne's
foundation board members at dinner.

Tell them that Serena would like to be
considered for the position.

-What do I do if Blair sees me?
-Lie.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

GOSSIP GIRL:
Looks like the battle between Brooklyn...

...and the Upper East Side...

...has finally come to a head.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Word has it Lonely Boy and Golden Boy
both declared their love.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

They gave Cinderena
until midnight to decide.

That Carolina Herrera dress
makes her look like an angel...

...but this decision is demonic.

I can't believe it.
Dan and Nate will forgive her anything.

How do we keep her
from making a choice?

We don't. We make it for her.

Take off your clothes
and take out your credit card.

GOSSIP GIRL: And the forces of evil
are just getting started.

Should have known taking down Serena
involved wearing the perfect dress.

Well, any time I can combine styling
with revenge.

Plus this isn't exactly
my first masquerade party.

I'll see you inside.

-Good luck, man.
-Yeah, you too.

JULIET:
Serena van der Woodsen.

That should keep Serena out
long enough for us to make her life hell.

I got Serena's résumé to Anne,
but Blair's not here.

She's here. I just spotted her.

You need to figure out a way
to get the meeting moved here.

I don't think these ladies wanna witness
Chuck's eternal damnation.

Tell Anne that Blair's arranged a surprise
to show her dedication to Girls Inc.

And, Vanessa, you really need
to start showing more initiative.

Jenny's carrying you on this thing.

[CHATTERING]

Serena, have you seen Chuck?

Wait.

I know that you don't think
my being with him is a good idea.

But you have bad ideas all the time.
I don't wanna lose the foundation...

...but what's wrong with wanting
to keep it secret...

...just long enough to find out
how he really feels?

I didn't approve of Colin, but at least
I had the decency to talk to you about it.

Well, I didn't, but you should.

I know it's not my bolognese.

No, Rufus, I'm sorry. It's delicious.

I'm just upset
about this Serena situation.

RUFUS:
I thought we'd all moved on.

Serena broke things off with Colin.
The Post is apologizing.

The dean can't force Serena out.
By next semester, this will be forgotten.

It would be easier if Colin was the first
teacher Serena had been involved with.

-Really? Someone at Constance?
-Boarding school.

Boarding school?
Serena was just a kid.

Serena was never a kid, believe me.

This was after the Shepherd wedding.
Pete Fairman.

It didn't end well.
I was lucky I found a way to handle it.

Well, just because it happened then
doesn't mean it's happening now.

Hey. Listen, I'm sorry for
laying it on the line like that earlier.

It's just--

Serena, you have no idea
the hell you've put me through.

It is me, right?

So you ready?

As hard as it's gonna be,
I know what I have to do.

Hi, uh, Eric and Serena van der Woodsen
and Elliot Leichter.

Go on in.

What was that name again?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought he told you.
Serena van der Woodsen.

Nice try, but she's already inside.

Well, that's a mistake,
because I'm her.

Sorry. You have ID?

I didn't come to rent a car.
Everyone here knows me.

[SCOFFS]

Eric, can you get Chuck or KC?

And hurry, please.
I don't wanna keep them waiting.

Serena. Hey, there you are.

Excellent. That was a kiss hello, right,
not a kiss goodbye?

I think I might need another
to be sure.

You gonna tell Nate?
Let him know I'm, uh, sorry.

Not sorry enough to want you
to change your mind, but....

I avoided KC's prying eyes.

I appreciate that.
And your being here half-dressed.

But don't you have a denouncement
to attend?

Dorota's distracting the board
with DeLucie's cavatelli until I get back.

[SIGHS]

I heard what you said.

What conversation
are you referring to exactly?

Three one-syllable words that,
under the circumstances...

...you may or may not have meant.

Do you want me to have meant them?

If they were true, I would wanna know.

Of course.

[CHUCKLES]

People do lose their rational thought
during sex.

They bark and scream out for God
and their mothers.

I should get back to Anne.

I meant it, Blair.

With all my heart.

You gonna say something this time?

I will. I mean...

...I do.

You realize we can't have everything.

Anne won't be the only person who
might think you're weak for forgiving me.

And you won't build a business based
on being New York's bad-boy bachelor.

I understand the consequences.

Are we willing to pay them?

BLAIR:
Serena, what are you doing?

GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like saints
and sinners aren't the only ones...

...battling for souls tonight.

What say we go up in flames together?

[CELL PHONES BEEPING]

GOSSIP GIRL: It's no surprise
C and B succumbed to the dark side.

But how about the boys
from opposite sides of the bridge?

It's hard to get word when they're both
lip-locked with Serena van der Woodsen.

Lucky I have the pictures to prove it.

[FANS OF JIMMY CENTURY'S
"HOT SAHARA" PLAYING]

Stick with me, I'm hot Sahara

Anne, I can explain.

I'm not sure how this shows
your dedication to Girls Inc.

You lost any sympathy I may have had
for your previous choices...

...the moment I saw you kissing Charles
in your underwear.

Shouldn't empowered women get
to have relationships too?

Being with Chuck doesn't make me
any less Blair.

I'm sorry, but it does.

The man you're with may not
be a reflection of you...

...but you will always be
a reflection of him.

-That's not fair.
-Maybe not.

But the sooner you accept it,
the easier your decisions will be.

And please, tell Serena while
I appreciate her interest in the position...

...she's not the type of girl
we're looking for either.

At least she was polite.
I doubt we'll have that with KC.

Give me a minute.

I have to go find Serena.

How could I have kissed either of you
when I couldn't even get into the party?

So someone dressed exactly like you,
wearing your perfume...

-...happened to be attracted to us both?
-I don't know. I can't explain it.

This mystery person texted us
from Paris too?

And used us to make some adjunct
professor jealous and stood us up?

No, I am partially responsible for this.

But I came here tonight to tell you
how I felt.

Doesn't that count for more
than a Gossip Girl blast?

We can't keep chasing you in circles.

You didn't make the choice,
we made it for you.

I didn't do this.

I'm with him.

So goodbye, Serena.

B, you know I didn't kiss both of them.

Do I? It's no worse than what you did
to me and Chuck.

What? I had nothing to do with you
coming here in your underwear.

You knew what you had to lose.

I kept trying to figure out
why you would expose us.

Then Anne Archibald told me you
wanted to be the face of her foundation.

Oh, come on.
When are you gonna give it up?

I don't want everything that you want.
I couldn't be less interested.

So, Anne, Nate and Dan are all liars?

That's a lot of people to blame,
even for you.

Just admit you did the wrong thing.
Maybe you don't know what that is.

You're not the first person
to say that today. I guess it must be true.

It was a bad choice thinking
you'd be on my side.

Not as bad as my believing that
you'd ever be happy for my success.

-Hey, whoa, Serena. Hey, don't run off.
-Why not?

Mom's not the only one who still
sees me as a messed up 16-year-old.

-No one sees I've changed. No one cares.
-I care.

You're my little brother.
You're not enough.

Hey. You're just in time
to hear KC tell me...

...how I've destroyed my bad-boy
business plan once and for all.

I warned you.
But it turns out I was wrong.

This party is so decadent and,
in the private rooms, frankly ill*gal.

The big romantic gesture showed
the hedonist has a heart.

So Blair's the perfect balance.

With the press this will get,
expect the hotel will be fully booked.

I'm already getting calls
for personal appearances.

In fact, I would love
to get you some photo ops.

Chuck Bass's girlfriend at store openings,
fashion shows, that kind of thing.

Call me and we'll schedule.

It appears the rules are there
to be broken.

-We can have everything.
-No, you can.

It's me who can't.

Hey, hey, it's okay. Come on. I got you.

GOSSIP GIRL: In the battle between
good and evil, score one for the sinners.

Hi, sorry. My friend's had
a little bit too much to drink.

GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like S could end up
the next saintly sacrifice.

Pleasant dreams, sweet angel.

[LAUGHTER AND CHATTERING]

I'll give you the money
to start whatever foundation you want.

It won't change anything.
Anne's right.

With you,
I'm Hillary in the White House.

And I wanna be Hillary,
secretary of state, but with better hair.

You'll find another way to show the world
you're a force to be reckoned with.

We'll build our futures together.

I followed my heart all last year
and it led me nowhere.

Now I need to follow my head.

You don't need to choose
between them.

Look at Brad and Angelina.
They take turns on top.

Yeah, but she won an Oscar first.

I'm sorry, but I have to be Blair Waldorf
before I can be Chuck Bass's girlfriend.

I love you.

I love you too.

I don't expect you to wait.

If two people are meant to be together,
eventually they'll find their way back.

-Do you really believe that?
-I do.

So do I.

-Still no Juliet?
-No.

I gotta get back to Hudson before my luck
runs out and I run into Blair and my dad.

It was nice to finally win one
for Team Brooklyn.

You sure you can't stay and celebrate?
I can try texting Juliet again.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

GOSSIP GIRL:
That's the thing about destiny.

Instead of too many choices,
you suddenly have none.

The prince of darkness
finally sees the light...

...only to realize
it's no longer an option.

And the time for love
has come and gone.

Not to sound like
a high school cheerleader...

...but I'm glad
we were in this together.

You're not hot enough
to be a high school cheerleader.

But me too. Otherwise I'd probably be
looking a reason to blame you.

You did make a damn good scapegoat.

You wanna go play
"Red Dead Redemption"?

One ground rule, though. One.

-Serena van der Woodsen does not exist.
-Perfect.

GOSSIP GIRL: The rest of us
just have to keep moving forward.

Yes, of course. I understand.
She's over 18.

Well, thank you for your call.

That was Dean Reuther.
Your sister just withdrew from Columbia.

Alienate everybody, drop out of school,
run away? That sounds like Serena.

You're right. I'm not sure
there's anything we can do anymore.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Accept the choice is out of your hands.

It's up to the fates to decide.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.