5x05 - The Fasting and the Furious

[bunniefuu]

Gossip Girl here Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

I'm looking for an Ivy Dickens.

This is she? I figured as much.

Serena's aunt Carol Rhodes paid me to impersonate her daughter Charlie.

When these people realize you're not one of them, they're gonna destroy you.

What do you want? I wanna introduce you to your new colleague.

Hi.

If they're really your friends, they'll be happy to see your star rise when everybody learns that "Anonymous" is actually Daniel Humphrey.

And it is based on you, sort of, all of you.

Can you believe what he wrote about me? I can tell you from experience everyone loves a villain.

I gave up my career to raise you and I never regretted it until I read what you really think about me.

Personally, I thought you'd be more annoyed at being conflated with Eric.

Nate is Furious? Yeah, because I am.

And I'm more furious! He wrote that we had sex! I want this book, and you're going to get it for me.

So whatever you did to Dan Humphrey, undo it.

And who am I? That's a secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me.

X.

O.

X.

O.

Gossip Girl.

On the Upper East Side, it's not what you say that determines who you are.

It's what you do I hope they take it well.

Nothing matters more than our child being born into a big, happy family.

Are you ready? Whether you're making a big announcement Or trying to close a deal Hey, Jane.

Did you lock up the film option for Dan's book yet? No, I just finished reading it, unfortunately.

Need I remind you, this is your chance to make up for blowing the Daniel Day-Lewis deal? No reminder necessary.

I'm on it.

Or firing the first shot.

The site goes live in 20! Oh, Princess Sophie! Beatrice, welcome.

It's so lovely to see you both again.

We couldn't be happier.

Cyrus, you are still a hugger, I hope? Is a northern spotted owl still a predator? Okay.

Okay.

Uh, Blair and Louis will be coming down for their big announcement any moment.

This is so mysterious and exciting.

Well, whatever it is, I'm just so thrilled that it's happening on Yom Kippur, and I hope the two of you will stay to break the fast with us.

As I recall, you're quite fond of smoked salmon.

I am, and we would love to.

So? Alors, la nouvelle ? We're gonna have a baby.

A baby? You're still in college! - Mother.

How wonderful! - Wonderful? It's wh a wonderful surprise.

Uh.

What is the record for the youngest grandmother on the Upper East Side? Cyrus, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it to sundown without eating.

I am thrilled without reservation As long as the baby is born after you are married, of course.

The last thing this family needs is another b*stard.

Oh! Oh, my.

Ah! Thank you for keeping my secret.

What are sisters for? Mm.

Oh, Serena, can you stay for the celebration? The bun in the oven is a big hit.

I would love to, but I have to get to work.

Looks like you have plenty of people to celebrate with, and you can tell me about it after.

Or I'll just read about it.

Oh! Don't you look great? Are you excited about your first day of work? I am.

Wasn't exactly the job I was looking for, but when it fell into my lap, I couldn't say no.

I really don't wanna disappointment my boss.

Well, I'm sure you won't.

I'll make dinner tonight, and we can hear all about your first day.

You don't want to go to the breakfast at the Waldorfs? Mm, not really in the mood.

Oh, isn't that ironic? The state lifts my house arrest, and you lock yourself up.

Well, wish me luck.

See you tonight.

Is that Dan again? You know, the only way you're gonna get out of this funk is to sit down and listen to what he has to say.

I'm not ready yet.

I have to say, when you asked me where you could buy vintage magazines, this isn't what I thought you were talking about.

J.

F.

K.

Jr.

took a lot of crap by not passing the bar, but he redeemed himself by becoming an editor.

I'm just trying to figure out how he did it.

Hey, hey, hey! Victor said you were here.

I brought something for you and monkey.

Well, I better go before I'm late for work.

Nate, don't you think it's time to let it go so we can just be friends again? Only a whole person could answer that question now, couldn't they? I'm sorry I made you half a character in my novel, but you've forgiven people for much worse.

Well, all right, have a good day, Chuck.

Thanks.

I can think of a few girls who'd look good in this.

Humphrey, I'm feeling like my old self again.

Me, too, although not in a good way.

I really thought the days of everyone turning their backs on me were over.

Well, at least this time it's because they hate you and not because they don't know you exist.

Be patient.

Soon, your literary misdeeds will be forgotten.

Along with all your other powers, you can add psychic to the list.

If Serena can forget, then maybe my dad will take my call.

I'll see you later.

Hey.

Hey.

Come on, get out of there.

Get go on.

Can't we let them finish? I'm quite sure it'll be his loss, but, uh, I have patients to see, so You're a doctor? Uh, psychologist, yes.

This is kismet.

I've been feeling, shall we say, out of sorts, recently.

Oh.

Um Here.

"Dr.

Eliza Barnes.

" Chuck Bass.

Nice to meet you, Mr.

Bass.

Come on.

Come on.

Everyone knows the drill.

As soon as we go live, expect the phones to blow up.

It's time.

It's exciting, isn't it? It is.

Imitation might be the sincerest form of flattery.

But stealing is an outright crime, and that's what a new rival has committed when cell phones disappeared and reappeared at the Jenny Packham Show.

Listen, if we launch now, everyone will know she was talking about you.

Not necessarily.

No, it's too big of a risk.

Abort.

For the moment.

And mother will alter the dress to hide the baby bump.

Of course I will, dear.

And Louis and I will fly back to be close to Dr.

Crane for the third trimester.

A honeymoon can wait.

Bravo.

You've got it all figured out.

Mother, I think we have a problem.

A baby is never a problem, ma fille.

I hope you won't try to stir up trouble and ruin this most happy time.

I'm just trying to protect our family's history.

Blair's very controlling.

She's the one making the decisions for the wedding.

She'll do the same with the child.

Louis knows how important a grandchild is to me, to Monaco.

He will protect the Royal tradition.

Yes, but will she? I'm really glad you came.

I'm glad you called.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

You know, I think I owe you an apology.

I may have overreacted about how you portrayed me in your book.

Thank you so much.

I have to admit, it's been kind of hard.

Like, my dad and Nate and Blair still won't talk to me.

Well, things are looking up then.

One down, three to go? Mm.

Never thought you'd be the first.

I am full of surprises.

You know that.

So how has it been everything else, aside from the personal reaction? Yeah, it's been an incredible whirlwind.

I just wish I could be sharing it with friends and family.

Mm.

And, uh, what's happening with the film rights to the book? I don't know.

I hadn't actually thought about that.

That would be crazy.

A movie.

Well If you ever decide you wanna turn it into one, my boss Jane would k*ll to produce it.

She read the book and loved it.

And she's an amazing producer, too.

Yeah.

Wow.

I mean, thank you.

That would be, uh I mean, that would be great if that could happen.

Yeah.

Uh, what do you know? It's my agent calling.

I have a NY1 interview I can't be late for, but I'm I'm really glad we're okay.

Can I call you later? Yeah.

Hey, Alessandra.

Just confirming the NY1 interview.

Yeah, I'm on my way.

Listen, I just had breakfast with my friend Serena, who asked about the movie rights, and I'd love to give them to her.

How do we go about doing that? Unh-unh.

You are not locking down film rights with somebody just because they're your friend.

Her boss is, uh, is a big producer, though.

Uh, Rivington Street Films? She did David O.

Russell's next film.

And while that's great, a ton of quality people want the rights to "Inside," Dan.

You had breakfast with someone's assistant.

I have Harvey Weinstein on the other line.

Harvey Weinstein? That's Huge.

I know.

See you soon.

Hey, Jane, I swallowed my pride and outrage and did what you asked.

We should have Dan's book later today.

And you had me believe "crazy" was just an act? I think you might be suicidal.

What are you talking about? You start work here under, shall we say, duress.

And within five minutes, there's a catastrophic leak to my competitor.

Diana, I swear it wasn't me.

Since you lie like most people breathe, your oath means very little.

Now don't forget, the biggest story I have is you.

If you don't bring me something better, I'm gonna tell the world that you're some failed wannabe actress called Ivy.

I'll get you something.

You just have to give me some time.

Yom Kippur at the Waldorfs' will truly be a "high" holy day, now that Her Royal Highness Princess Sophie has jetted in from Monaco for a bagel and a schmear.

If I were you, I'd have left by now.

What's wrong with her? It seems I now need some launch-worthy stories, and she's the only Upper East Sider I have prepared to cross the lines for her career.

Look, I care about my career.

I'll make a name for myself my own way.

If you want to remake yourself, you have to do whatever it takes.

Give me something, anything On Blair Waldorf, perhaps? But she's celebrating Yom Kippur with her and Louis' families, okay? I doubt it makes for riveting journalism.

Hmm People unable to eat for 24 hours, cooped up in an apartment? Secrets are bound to come out.

Call and get me an introduction.

Are you even Jewish? I am today.

This interview is key because it's your first visual appearance in the media.

You wanna make a strong impression.

Yeah, am I am I dressed okay? I mean, I wanna seem respectful but at the same time, act like this isn't a huge deal.

Not that it is a huge deal, 'cause, I mean, if it was God, I-I would be, uh, I would be super nervous, and I'm totally not.

Oh, they have grapes.

Dan are you with me? Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm with you.

These days, a book needs as much press as it can get, no matter how many glowing reviews there are.

Public television is the last bastion of the intellectual.

If this goes well, Charlie rose could be next.

Oh, that's a good tactic piling on the pressure right before your already-prone- to-nervous-rambling client goes on live television for the first time.

This is the perfect platform to position your book as next year's best picture.

Mention Harvey's interest.

People in Hollywood are sheep.

If someone they respect wants the book, they all will.

I feel like I should call Serena.

I don't want her to think I was stringing her along at breakfast.

Serena knows how the business works, and it's not like you signed a contract.

And if she's really your friend, she'll be happy for you, no matter who gets the rights.

We're ready.

And let's go sell some books.

Blair, have you thought about the hospital you plan to deliver the baby in? Lenox Hill, where I was born, as was my mother.

And for school? Well, I've already sent a copy of the sonogram along with an application to Constance/St.

Jude's.

Blair received an exemplary education.

While a New York education may be adequate for a non-royal, Grimaldis always attend boarding school in Switzerland.

Furthermore, the child must be born in our wing at the Princess Grace Hospital Center in Monaco.

You can't seriously expect to dictate every detail of my grandchild's life.

But this baby is not just your grandchild.

Blair's life and her family are here in New York.

And Louis' are in Monaco.

Uh, now, ladies.

Maman, Eleanor, enough.

Blair and I will discuss these issues privately.

Blair, w-what is it? Are you all right? You'll all have to excuse me.

Mr.

Bass.

I was just on my way out.

Oh.

That's too bad.

You look like you need to talk.

I do.

Yeah, I'll make time.

Thank you.

Would you like me seated or prone? It's your choice.

So Mr.

Bass, why are you here? Well, let's see.

I recently emerged from a period of prolonged numbness.

Starting to feel again physically and emotionally has made me realize I need to try new things to prevent a relapse.

New things? - Mm.

Give me an example.

I've had sex on Almost every conceivable surface, but never a therapist's couch.

So there is that.

I should've guessed you weren't serious.

I'm sure if you got to know me a little better, you'd see just how serious I am.

It's obvious that you're deeply troubled, and I would be more than happy to help if you were truly interested in therapy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have Yom Kippur services.

Oh.

You're Jewish? Not that that's any of your business, but I converted.

Well, that's probably a smart move in your line of work.

Good-bye.

Hey.

Hey.

Everything okay? I'm just worried about Rufus.

He and Dan are so close.

I just have to figure out a way to get then to connect again.

You're home early.

We had a rough morning.

My boss is after me to contribute in a big way.

Got any leads for me? Well, with my arrest and Rufus' depression, we haven't been out enough to know anything.

But you're a very smart girl, and I have faith in you.

Guess I won't be needing this hardware if we're not going to the Waldorfs.

What are those? Oh, it's an unfortunate story.

My late husband Bart had his investigator research our whole family.

It was awful.

I meant to transfer them into the safety deposit box, but since Serena and Charles broke into it last year I think it's safer here.

Good luck.

Uh, "Sabrina," Dan Humphrey's interview on NY1 started.

He's talking all about the movie.

Read by anyone but me.

And now I understand "Inside" has caught Hollywood's attention.

Well, there's interest from major producers, like, uh, like, uh, Scott Rudin and Harvey Weinstein and, um, Brian Grazer, but we haven't made any decisions yet.

Is there a director out there who you Hey, S.

? I'm sorry to bother you, but I needed a walk, and I realized I should just come to you.

No, I'm glad you did.

I told Jane that I had the option on Dan's book, and now it's like we're not even on his radar.

Can I just Uh, look, if I don't get the rights to this, I don't know what will happen.

I really wanna hear about your working girl woes, but I feel like I'm starring in "Rosemary's Baby.

" Sophie wants to regulate everything about my child's existence.

She's insisting that I move to Monaco and leave my whole life here behind.

That sounds horrible.

But can you convince Dan to put his movie with our company? W are you kidding? His book is ridiculous and so is he, and I really need your help right now.

Why are you gossiping when a deal you're running point on is falling apart on live television? I'm sorry.

This is Blair, my best friend.

I thought maybe she could help.

This isn't high school.

This is my business.

I told you not to embarrass me.

I have an idea for you.

Quit.

Your boss is a b*tch.

Let's go get lunch.

My job is important to me, B.

You have six months to deal with your problem.

I have six minutes to deal with mine.

Good-bye.

Yes.

If everyone else is moving on with their lives, then I'm ready to do the same, all the way to Monaco.

You're my family now, Louis, and I want to be yours.

Tell your mother that I'm going to be a Grimaldi, and I intend to live like one.

Well, look who's all grown up.

Doesn't feel that way.

What are you doing here? I need your help.

I mean trying to bed an older woman, and she's being resistant, and it's driving me crazy, which is ironic, because she's a shrink.

You speak old lady.

What's my play? Mm, doesn't work like that.

Same rules apply regardless of age.

You just have to show that you're interested in what matters to the woman more than you're interested im the woman's - Matters.

Exactly.

Look, I wish I could be more help to you, man, but I But what? I thought you had the M.

I.

L.

F.

rules hardwired.

In the bedroom, yeah.

So what else are we talking about? We're talking about Serena's Cousin Charlie.

She'll do whatever it takes to succeed at this job, and I just I won't do it.

Diana's not happy with me.

If only you could be me for a day and I could be you, - we'd both get what we want.

Yeah.

But since we're not in a Jason Bateman movie, we have to think of another plan.

If Charlie's crossing lines, tag along for a while.

See what it takes.

Even j.

F.

K.

Jr.

had to walk in a few sets of footprints before he found his own path.

What are you gonna do? Take an interest in what matters to Dr.

Barnes.

Shalom.

Where is everybody? Oh, my mother and Beatrice are in the kitchen, and your mother and Cyrus went to Temple.

Did you tell them about my decision? No.

I felt that we should talk first.

Is moving to Monaco really what you want? I hope you're not simply bowing to pressure.

Reserve the Grimaldi birthing suite.

We're officially a Monegasque family.

I knew you would both make the right decision.

Thank you.

I love green shrimp.

This is just the fifth night out of seven that we've ordered Chinese.

Keep looking.

I'm sure we'll find something we've never tried.

Okay.

Let's see.

What about the Jade Har Gow? Yeah, the glazed prawns would be wonderful.

Let's try the squid ink rice noodles.

You're just saying that.

Hey, guys.

A bit of unsolicited advice? If you were to go to the Waldorfs', you could avoid having another Chinese dinner.

And maybe if you were to see a family in good working condition, it would remind you how important it is to fix yours.

An evening of friends and Kugel is just what we need.

Ah, comfort food does sound good.

My God, you'd think the Jews had suffered enough.

I don't know how Cyrus can stand all this fasting.

I'm Eleanor Waldorf.

Uh, who are you? This is Diana Payne.

Uh, Nate Archibald called ahead for me? Oh, yes.

Yeah, you're his boss, the, uh, the journalist.

I have to warn you not to try and wrangle an interview with my daughter and the Prince.

It's not a good time.

Actually, now might be your only chance, Diana.

Blair didn't tell you she decided to move to Monaco? What? Yes, how you do feel about your daughter committing to a life away from home? Please.

Blair will do whatever she wants.

Waldorf women are not afraid to break the rules.

And besides, who is she hurting if she does? It's not like she's signing a legally binding contract.

Dan's agent and Harvey are close to a deal.

We're going to lose the project.

I can't believe this.

Really? I can.

Maybe your good friend F.

Scott Fitzjackass had you nailed in the book.

If something doesn't fall right into your lap, Serena, you don't have a clue how to work for it.

Sometimes all it takes to cross a line is a little push.

Harvey read the book himself.

Apparently, he has all sorts of ideas and wants to fast-track it for next year.

What? That's that's Incredible, I know, to say the least.

When Harvey gets involved, Oscars are on the horizon.

That's his office.

One second.

This is Alessandra.

He's canceling? Why? What happened? Apparently, it's on "deadline" that you gave the option to Jane Bettinger? What? Why do I get the feeling you don't really want your brother and Blair in Monaco? My brother's always been the favorite, but he never cared about his title or our family the way I do.

I had hoped his marriage to Blair would mean permanent exile to New York.

Sibling rivalry, backstabbing, familial manipulation.

You really are a Royal family, aren't you? Perhaps I can help you get what you want In return the inside story of a Royal feud.

Since I'm feeling a little raw on the family front, if Eleanor refers to you as "Lily Bass" again, I can't promise I won't return fire.

Oh, I dragged you here.

You have my full blessing to go Sean Penn if need be.

Thank you.

Well, what's going on in here? Cyrus, isn't it time for you to blow the Shofar? It appears that, uh, Sophie had legal documents drawn up regarding the upbringing of our future grandchild.

Blair's supposed to sign these before Sophie returns to Monaco tomorrow.

Is that absolutely necessary? Oh, well, let's not quibble over a signature.

I'm a 21st century girl with 2 lawyers for dads.

I understand the need for paperwork.

Some of these requirements are pretty egregious.

Any time you take your child out of Monaco for more than six hours, you have to inform Palace security.

Now that's a little over-the-top.

Not for a Royal heir.

Give me your pen.

Blair, it says here that you can't go to New York for more than 48 hours at a time.

And furthermore, if you break any of these rules, you face the possibility of losing custody of your child to the Royal Family.

What? Wait.

No, that's Outrageous.

What going on in here? I'm not off my meds, but I've kind of lost my mind.

Safecracking? Seriously? I'm desperate.

If we don't get something to Diana, we're gonna lose our jobs.

There's a story in that safe.

I saw it myself.

Oh, God.

I hope the Kennedys are rolling over in their graves right now.

I may have a way to open it.

It used to be Chuck's father's.

Just just give me a second.

Thank you, Rabbi.

Thank you.

I'll see you next time? Arthur, let's go around the block.

Dan Humphrey.

Hi.

I recognize you from TV.

Jane Bettinger.

It's nice to meet you.

Yeah, I'm looking for Serena.

Who probably summoned you for me.

I'm a huge fan of your book.

It will make such a great movie.

"Gatsby" for the social media age.

So she's not around? She stepped out.

Maybe I can help.

Can you explain to me why she told Nikki Finke that you had the option? I'm sorry? What are you talking about? Serena does work for you, doesn't she? False leaks are for amateurs.

Serena said she knew you, she'd get me the book.

I would never have instructed her to go behind your back to do so.

I've known Serena forever.

I have a hard time believing that she would sabotage me unless you made her.

Serena.

Do you have anything to say for yourself? Jane didn't make me do it.

It was my own idea.

Mother's finally gone mad.

She threatened Blair with the loss of her child if she breaks a rule.

It doesn't surprise me at all, Louis.

You know what a tyrant she can be.

Mother, how could you do this? Excuse me.

It's a simple custody agreement.

A "simple custody agreement" does not allow you to take our child from us if you don't like something Blair chooses to do.

What are you talking about? You wrote this, didn't you? Yes, but I didn't put in any such clause.

It was probably a mistake, mistranslated by Dominique as you dictated the terms to her.

It was no mistake, Beatrice.

You must have put it there.

Yes, I did.

Blair has no respect for our traditions or the monarchy.

She'll do whatever she wants with that child.

I can't believe you'd betray us like this.

Obviously, Sophie, you'll remove that clause.

My daughter's actions may have been underhanded and deceitful, but Your reaction makes me think that she might be right.

If you really want to embrace my family, you will have no problem signing this contract.

The clause stays.

If you two cannot accept this, then I will not acknowledge the child as my heir.

Nor will I acknowledge you.

You don't have that right anymore.

As the future reigning Prince, it's up to my child to acknowledge you.

We are done talking, Louis.

I wish you could find it in yourself not to make this terrible mistake.

It is you who is mistaken throwing away your loyal family for a fianc�e you shouldn't trust.

Do you realize that Blair told Beatrice that she was pregnant long before she told you? Do you really believe she has no other secrets? It's true it's been a bit of a journey.

But I trust Blair.

I know all of her secrets.

My darling.

How innocent you are.

I only wish for your sake that is true.

Good-bye.

I know that you have always felt overlooked, but no more.

All I've ever wanted was your love and respect.

This is the mother lode the biggest secrets of the Upper East Side.

Even one of these would not only launch the web site but blow Diana's mind.

And my ethics.

These are my friends.

Now that I've actually done this, I don't know what I was thinking.

I don't even wanna look at them, much less hand them over, so let's just put them back, pretend this never happened.

If I show up to work empty-handed, I'll lose my job.

I know how important it is for you to succeed.

It is for me, too.

But we'll find something else.

What about all that stuff you said to me about the Kennedys? Isn't that why you texted me, because you know you won't get where you wanna be unless you bend the rules a little? Charlie, these might be my friends, but they're your family, and you're acting like you barely even know them.

Oh, my God.

I You're totally right.

You know, I'm gonna put them back, and you should just go.

I'm I'm really I'm sorry.

No, hey, don't be sorry.

All right, I know what it's like to feel the pressure to make a name for yourself.

But you belong here.

You'll find your place eventually, the right way.

I just donated $100,000 to Chabad to find out which temple you attend.

The least you could do is give me a minute of your time.

You could've had 50, but you wasted them.

Knowing your reputation, I expected nothing less than an entirely inappropriate manipulation.

I don't think it's that simple.

You asked for my professional opinion, and now you're gonna get it.

You never had a childhood, and so you behave like a child in the worst ways.

You pay for intimacy so you're always in control and no one can get close to you.

Your superficial connections and lack of authentic emotion leave you isolated and alone.

Not just tonight.

Always.

I wish you all the best, but you're gonna need more than that to live a happy and normal life.

I followed Jane all the way down to her town car, apologizing, and even then, I don't think it was enough.

Thank you for waiting.

I didn't want to.

You scared away everyone, and now no one wants the book.

Dan.

Your apology this morning was just strategic, wasn't it? Yeah, pretty much.

Look, I finally finished the book and I told you, it it's not you.

Yes, there are are parts of you And Daisy Buchanan and Amy March and Gwyneth Paltrow five different roles she's played.

But it's a novel.

It's inspired by a lot of things.

It isn't speaking to some deeper truth.

Are you sure? Because I know this may sound Crazy or or selfish or like I'm living in the past Or something.

But you were the love of my life, Dan.

And I don't know.

I I guess I just thought I was yours, too.

That's the thing about writing what you know.

Soon everybody else knows it, too.

Let's see Gossip Girl scoop this.

I told you it'd work out.

She found something, and we didn't have to sell out our friends Or ourselves.

Yeah, you're right, and, uh, looks like my job is safe.

Yeah.

At least for the moment.

And thanks again for helping me do nothing.

Well, it was fun breaking into the safe, wasn't it? Okay, everyone, now the real work begins.

Get to your desks and start writing.

I want a constant stream of content 24 hours a day.

Oh, Charlie, come back to my office in five minutes.

Blair, darling, I have to confess that, um, I may have been the one to put the idea of a contract into Beatrice's head.

I was just bragging about you, and it didn't matter where you lived.

No one could keep you from being your own person.

And that is part of why you will be A wonderful mother.

Thank you for saying that.

I know this isn't what you wanted for me.

Hmm.

At least not yet.

These things happen when they happen.

It's the first lesson of being a parent.

Children don't do What you want them to do all the time when you want them to do it.

But you love them Anyway.

I bet you never thought you'd hear such good parenting advice from Eleanor Waldorf.

It's time for me to let my anger go and return Dan's calls.

I mean, if he didn't piss me off, it'd just mean he wasn't growing up.

That is the Rufus Humphrey that I love.

I'm so relieved I don't have to live my entire life on one square mile of jagged coastline.

I belong here with my family, that respects my hopes and dreams.

I hope that includes me.

Can we talk, B? When you told me you were pregnant, I said that I would be there for you, no matter what, and I haven't been.

And I'm sorry.

Well, you had a work crisis.

Yeah, but the truth is that I was jealous.

Well, if it makes you feel better, marrying a prince isn't what fairy tales will lead you to believe.

Well, that's not what I was jealous about.

You're the star of Dan's book.

Well, as I said It's pure fiction.

Oh.

I wanted to return these to you.

And you're not gonna use them ever? Anything of value in these was already on "Gossip Girl," and everything else was far too tame.

Just put them back before anyone notices they're gone.

Oh, Charlie? You forgot one.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh I thought about what you said earlier.

And how can either of us know who the loves of our lives are until we're, uh until we're old, you know? I mean, this this thing's not over yet, right? And, uh I told Alessandra that I'm giving you the book rights.

No, you don't have to do that.

I wasn't trying to guilt you into it.

No, I know, I know, but without you inspiring me from the beginning, I wouldn't have been able to write anything, so I owe you one.

And despite the events of the day, you know, I trust you.

I do have one condition.

I want to write the screenplay.

I'll talk to Jane right away.

All right.

Oh, you know what? That's my dad.

Uh, he's on the other line.

I'll see you soon though.

Yes, in very long development meetings.

Okay.

Hey, dad.

As challenging as atoning can be, the rewards make it worth the sacrifice.

Everything you said to me was true.

I don't need another notch on my belt.

I need help.

I knew it last week.

Hell, I knew it last year.

I know it now.

I'm ready to be serious if you'll have me.

Hello? But the most difficult part can be admitting that there was a sin to begin with.

Most people find it too hard to face their crimes and think it's easier just to pretend nothing ever happened.

What are you doing up here all alone? Waiting for you.

Oh, I was looking for a pen.

I'm sorry you had to choose between me and your mother.

It's the last thing I wanted.

You're my only family now.

I'm gonna go run a bath.

The problem with hiding your sins is they always come back.

And on the day when some have atoned for past transgressions, a once-pure prince can't help but commit a new one.

I have a problem I was hoping you could help me with.

I'd like to meet so I could tell you more in person.

I'm more than willing to pay for your time.

X.

O.

X.

O.

Gossip Girl.

[bunniefuu]

(OG version)


WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

GOSSIP GIRL:
On the Upper East Side...

...it's not what you say
that determines who you are.

It's what you do.

I hope they take it well.

Nothing matters more than our child
being born into a big, happy family.

Are you ready?

GOSSIP GIRL: Whether you're making
a big announcement...

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

...or trying to close a deal.

Hey, Jane.

Did you lock up the film option
for Dan's book?

No, I just finished reading it,
unfortunately.

Need I remind you this is
your chance to make up...

...for blowing the
Daniel Day-Lewis deal.

No reminder necessary.

I'm on it.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Or firing the first shot.

The site goes live in 20.

[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Oh, Princess Sophie, Beatrice, welcome.

It's so lovely to see you both again.

We couldn't be happier.

Cyrus, you are still a hugger, I hope?

Is the Northern Spotted Owl
still a predator? Heh.

Okay. Okay.

Uh, Blair and Louis will be coming down
for their big announcement any moment.

This is so mysterious and exciting.

Whatever it is, I'm just so thrilled
it's happening on Yom Kippur.

I hope the two of you will stay
to break the fast with us.

As I recall, you're quite fond
of smoked salmon.

I am. And we would love to.

[CYRUS CHUCKLES]

So....

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

We're gonna have a baby.

-A baby? You're still in college.
-Mother....

-How wonderful.
-Wonderful-- Uh, a wonderful...

...surprise. Heh.

Uh, what is the record for the youngest
grandmother on the Upper East Side?

I don't think I'm gonna make it
to sundown without eating.

I am thrilled without reservation.

As long as the baby is born
after you are married, of course.

The last thing this family needs
is another b*stard.

CYRUS:
Oh! Heh.

This is just great.

Thank you for keeping my secret.

What are sisters for?

Serena, can you stay
for the celebration?

The bun in the oven is a big hit.

I would love to,
but I have to get to work.

You have plenty of people
to celebrate with.

You can tell me all about it after,
or I'll just read about it.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

LILY:
Oh, don't you look great?

-Excited about your first day of work?
-I am.

Wasn't exactly the job
I was looking for...

...but when it fell into my lap
I couldn't say no.

I really don't wanna disappoint
my boss.

Well, I'm sure you won't.

I'll make dinner.
We can hear all about your first day.

Don't wanna go to the break fast
at the Waldorfs'?

Hmm, not really in the mood.

Oh, isn't that ironic? The state lifts my
house arrest, and you lock yourself up.

Well, wish me luck.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

See you tonight.

Hmm, was that Dan again?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

The only way you'll get out of this funk
is to listen to what he has to say.

I'm not ready yet.

When you asked where
you could buy vintage magazines...

...this isn't what I thought
you were talking about.

JFK, Jr. took a lot of crap on
not passing the bar.

He redeemed himself
by becoming an editor.

I'm trying to figure out how he did it.

Hey, heh, Victor said you were here.
I bought something for you and Monkey.

Well, better go
before I'm late for work.

Don't you think it's time to
let it go, be friends again?

Only a whole person could
answer that question.

I'm sorry I made you half a character.

-You've forgiven people for worse.
-All right, have a good day, Chuck.

Thanks. I can think of a few girls
who'd look good in this.

Humphrey, I'm feeling like
my old self again.

Me too. Not in a good way.

I thought the days of everyone turning
their backs on me were over.

This time it's because they hate you,
not because they don't know you exist.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Be patient. Soon your literary misdeeds
will be forgotten.

Along with all your other powers,
add psychic to the list.

Hmm.

If Serena can forget, then maybe
my dad will take my call.

I'll see you later.

WOMAN:
Hey, come on, get out of there.

Boy, heh, you can't....

Can't we let them finish?

I'm quite sure it'll be his loss.
But, uh, I have patients to see, so....

-You're a doctor?
-A psychologist, yes.

This is kismet. I've been feeling,
shall we say, out of sorts recently.

Oh. Um....

Here.

"Dr. Eliza Barnes."

Chuck Bass.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Bass.
Come on.

Come on.

[BARKING]

DIANA:
Everyone knows the drill.

As soon as we go live,
expect the phones to blow up.

It's time.

-It's exciting, isn't it?
-It is.

[PHONES RINGING]

GOSSIP GIRL: Imitation might be
the sincerest form of flattery.

But stealing is an outright crime.

And that's what a new rival
has committed...

...when cell phones disappeared and
reappeared at the Jenny Packham show.

If we launch now, everyone will know
she was talking about you.

-Not necessarily.
-No, it's too big of a risk.

Abort.

For the moment.

And Mother will alter the dress
to hide the baby bump.

Of course I will, dear.

And Louis and I will fly back to be close
to Dr. Crane for the third trimester.

-A honeymoon can wait.
-Bravo, you've got it all figured out.

-Mother, I think we have a problem.
-A baby is never a problem.

I hope you won't try to stir up trouble
and ruin this most happy time.

I'm just trying to protect
our family's history.

Blair's very controlling.

She's the one making the decisions
for the wedding.

She'll do the same with the child.

Louis knows how important
a grandchild is to me, to Monaco.

He will protect the royal tradition.

Yes, but will she?

-I'm really glad you came.
-I'm glad you called.

Thank you.
You know, I think I owe you an apology.

I may have overreacted about how
you portrayed me in your book.

Thank you so much.

I have to admit, it's been kind of hard.
My dad, Nate and Blair won't talk to me.

Things are looking up.
One down, three to go.

-Hmm, never thought you'd be the first.
-I am full of surprises, you know that.

So how's it been? Everything else,
aside from the personal reaction?

Yeah, it's been
an incredible whirlwind.

Uh, I wish I could be sharing it
with friends and family.

Hmm.

And, uh, what's happening with
the film rights to the book?

I hadn't actually thought about that.
That would be crazy, a movie.

Well, if you ever decide
you wanna turn it into one...

...my boss Jane would k*ll to produce it.
She read the book and loved it.

-And she's an amazing producer too.
-Yeah, wow, I mean....

-That would be great if that could happen.
-Yeah. Heh.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

It's my agent calling.

I have a New York One interview
I can't be late for.

I'm really glad we're okay.
Can I call you later?

-Hey, Alessandra.
-Just confirming the interview.

I'm on my way.

I had breakfast with my friend Serena,
who asked about movie rights.

I'd love to give them to her.
How do we do that?

Uh-uh, you are not locking down film
rights just because they're your friend.

Her boss is a, uh-- is a big producer,
though. Rivington Street Films.

-She did David O. Russell's next film.
-And while that's great...

...a ton of quality people want
the rights to Inside.

You had breakfast with an assistant.
Harvey Weinstein's on the other line.

-Harvey Weinstein? That's--
-Huge. I know. See you soon.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Jane. I swallowed my pride
and outrage and did what you asked.

We should have Dan's book
later today.

And you had me believe "crazy"
was just an act?

-I think you might be suicidal.
-What are you talking about?

You start work here under,
shall we say, duress.

And within five minutes, there's
a catastrophic leak to my competitor.

Diana, I swear it wasn't me.

Since you lie like most people breathe,
your oath means very little.

Don't forget, the biggest story
I have is you.

If you don't bring me something better,
I'll tell the world...

...you're some failed
wannabe actress called Ivy.

I'll get you something.

You just have to give me some time.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

GOSSIP GIRL: Yom Kippur at the
Waldorfs' will truly be a high holy day...

...now that Her Royal Highness Princess
Sophie has jetted in from Monaco...

...for a bagel and a schmear.

If I were you, I'd have left by now.

What's wrong with her?

It seems I now need
some launch-worthy stories.

She's the only Upper East Sider
prepared to cross lines for her career.

I care about my career. And I'll make
a name for myself my own way.

If you wanna remake yourself,
you have to do whatever it takes.

Give me something. Anything.

On Blair Waldorf, perhaps?

Uh, she's celebrating Yom Kippur
with her and Louis' families.

I doubt it makes for
riveting journalism.

Hmm. People unable to eat for 24 hours
cooped up in an apartment?

Secrets are bound to come out.

Call and get me an introduction.

-Heh, are you even Jewish?
-I am today.

This interview is key. It's your first
visual appearance in the media.

-You wanna make a strong impression.
-Am I dressed okay?

I wanna seem respectful, but also
act like this isn't a huge deal.

Not that it is a huge deal,
because if it was....

God, I would be, uh....

I'd be super nervous. I'm totally not.
Oh, they have grapes.

-Dan. Are you with me?
-Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm with you.

A book needs as much
press as it can get.

No matter how many
glowing reviews there are.

Public TV is the last bastion
of the intellectual.

If this goes well,
Charlie Rose could be next.

Good tactic, piling on the pressure
before your nervous, rambling client...

-...goes on live TV for the first time.
-Ugh, okay.

This is the perfect platform to position
your book as next year's best picture.

Mention Harvey's interest.
People in Hollywood are sheep.

If someone they respect wants
the book, they all will.

I should call Serena. I don't want her to
think I was stringing her along.

She knows how the business works.
It's not like you signed a contract.

If she's your friend, she'll be happy
for you, no matter who gets the rights.

And let's go sell some books.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Blair, have you thought about the hospital
you plan to deliver the baby in?

Lenox Hill,
where I was born, as was my mother.

And for school?

I've already sent off the sonogram with
an application to Constance/St. Jude's.

Blair received
an exemplary education.

While a New York education
may be adequate for a non-royal...

...Grimaldis always attend
boarding school in Switzerland.

Furthermore, the child must
be born in our wing...

...at The Princess Grace
Hospital Center in Monaco.

You can't seriously expect to dictate
every detail of my grandchild's life.

But this baby is not
just your grandchild.

Blair's life and her family
are here in New York.

And Louis' are in Monaco.

-Uh, now, ladies--
-Maman, Eleanor, enough.

Blair and I will discuss
these issues privately.

-What is it? Are you all right?
-You'll all have to excuse me.

Mr. Bass, I was just on my way out.

Oh.

That's too bad.

-You look like you need to talk.
-I do.

I'll make time.

Thank you.

Would you like me seated or prone?

It's your choice.

[BARNES CLEARS THROAT]

-So, Mr. Bass, why are you here?
-Well, let's see.

I recently emerged from
a period of prolonged numbness.

Starting to feel again,
physically and emotionally...

...has made me realize
I need to try new things...

...to prevent a relapse.

-New things?
-Hmm.

Give me an example.

I've had sex on...

...almost every conceivable surface,
but never...

...a therapist's couch. So there is that.

I should've guessed
you weren't serious.

If you got to know me a little better,
you'd see how serious I am.

It's obvious you're deeply troubled.
I would be more than happy to help...

...if you were truly
interested in therapy.

[DOOR OPENS]

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have Yom Kippur services.

CHUCK:
Oh.

You're Jewish.

Not that it's any of your business,
but I converted.

That's probably a smart move
in your line of work.

Goodbye.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-Everything okay?
-I'm just worried about Rufus.

He and Dan are so close.
I just have to...

...figure out how to
get them to connect again.

-You're home early.
-We had a rough morning.

My boss is after me
to contribute in a big way.

Got any leads for me?

With my arrest
and Rufus' depression...

...we haven't been out enough
to know anything.

But you're a smart girl.
I have faith in you.

[IVY SIGHS]

I guess I won't be needing this hardware
if we're not going to the Waldorfs'.

-What are those?
-Oh, it's an unfortunate story.

My late husband, Bart, had his
investigator research our whole family.

It was awful. I meant to transfer them
to the safety deposit box...

...but since Serena and Charles
broke into it last year...

...I think it's safer here. Heh.

Good luck.

Uh, Sabrina, Dan Humphrey's interview
on New York One started.

He's talking all about the movie.

And now I understand Inside
has caught Hollywood's attention.

There's, uh, interest
from major producers...

...like, uh, Scott Rudin and
Harvey Weinstein and, uh, Brian Grazer.

But we haven't made
any decisions yet.

HOST:
Is there a director out there who....

Hey, S? I'm sorry to bother you,
but I needed a walk...

-...and realized I should come to you.
-I'm glad you did. I told Jane I had...

...the option on Dan's book, and now
it's like we're not even on his radar.

[SIGHS]

-Can I just--
-Uh, if I don't get the rights...

...I don't know what'll happen.

I really wanna hear about
your Working Girl woes...

...but, ugh, I feel like I'm starring
in Rosemary's Baby.

Sophie wants to regulate everything
about my child's existence.

She's insisting I move to Monaco
and leave my life here behind.

SERENA:
That sounds horrible.

But can you convince Dan
to put his movie with our company?

Are you kidding? Heh.
His book is ridiculous, and so is he.

I really need your help right now.

Why are you gossiping when
a deal you're running point on...

...is falling apart on live TV?

Sorry. This is Blair, my best friend.
I thought she could help.

This isn't high school.
This is my business.

I told you not to embarrass me.

[SIGHS]

I have an idea for you: Quit.

-Your boss is a b*tch. Let's go get lunch.
-My job is important to me, B.

You have six months to deal
with your problem. I have six minutes.

Goodbye.

Yes. If everyone else is moving on
with their lives...

...then I'm ready to do the same,
all the way to Monaco.

You're my family now, Louis,
and I wanna be yours.

Tell your mother I'm going to be
a Grimaldi, and I intend to live like one.

Look who's all grown up.

Doesn't feel that way.
What are you doing here?

I'm trying to bed an older woman.
She's resistant. It's driving me crazy...

...which is ironic,
because she's a shrink.

You speak old lady.
What's my play?

Hmm, doesn't work like that.
Same rules apply.

Show you're interested
in what matters to the woman...

-...more than you're interested in the woman's--
-Matters.

Exactly. I wish I could be more help
to you, man, but--

What? I thought you had
the MILF rules hardwired.

In the bedroom, yeah.

-What else are we talking about?
-Serena's cousin, Charlie.

She'll do whatever it takes
to succeed at this job.

I won't do it.
Diana's not happy with me.

[SIGHS]

If only you could be me for a day and
I could be you, we'd get what we want.

But since we're not in a Jason Bateman
movie, we have to think of another plan.

If Charlie's crossing lines, tag along
for a while. See what it takes.

Even JFK, Jr. had to walk
in a few sets of footprints...

...before he found his own path.

What are you gonna do?

Take an interest in
what matters to Dr. Barnes.

Shalom.

Where is everybody?

My mother and Beatrice
are in the kitchen.

Your mother and Cyrus
went to temple.

Did you tell them about my decision?

No.

I felt that we should talk first. Is moving
to Monaco really what you want?

I hope you're not simply
bowing to pressure.

Reserve the Grimaldi birthing suite.

We're officially a Monegasque family.

I knew you would both
make the right decision.

Thank you.

[BLAIR CHUCKLES]

I love green shrimp. This is just the fifth
night of seven we've ordered Chinese.

RUFUS: I'm sure we'll find
something we've never tried.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

LILY:
Okay, let's see.

[RUFUS SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

LILY:
Yeah, the glazed prawns look good.

RUFUS: Let's try the squid-ink noodle.
LILY: You're just saying that.

IVY:
Hey, guys.

A bit of unsolicited advice.

If you were to go to the Waldorfs'...

...you could avoid having
another Chinese dinner.

And, maybe, if you were to see
a family in good working condition...

...it would remind you how important
it is to fix yours.

An evening of friends and kugel
is just what we need.

Ugh, comfort food does sound good.

[CHUCKLES]

[ELEANOR SIGHS]

My God, you'd think the Jews
had suffered enough.

I don't know how Cyrus can stand
all this fasting.

-I'm Eleanor Waldorf. Uh, who are you?
-This is Diana Payne.

-A Nate Archibald called ahead for me.
-Oh, yes.

You're his boss, the, uh, journalist.

I have to warn you
not to try and wrangle an interview...

...with my daughter and the prince.
Not a good time.

Actually,
now might be your only chance, Diana.

Blair didn't tell you
she's decided to move to Monaco?

-What?
DIANA: How do you feel about...

...your daughter committing
to a life away from home?

Heh, please.
Blair will do whatever she wants.

Waldorf women are not afraid to break
rules. Who is she hurting if she does?

It's not like she's signing
a legally binding contract.

JANE: Dan's agent and Harvey
are close to a deal.

We're going to lose the project.

-I can't believe this.
-Really? I can.

Maybe your friend F. Scott Fitz-Jackass
had you nailed in the book.

If something doesn't fall
right into your lap, Serena...

...you don't have a clue
how to work for it.

GOSSIP GIRL: Sometimes, all it takes
to cross a line is a little push.

Harvey read the book, himself.

He has all sorts of ideas
and wants to fast-track it for next year.

-What? That's--
-Incredible, I know. To say the least.

When Harvey gets involved,
Oscars are on the horizon.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

That's his office.

This is Alessandra.

He's canceling? Why?

What happened?

Apparently, it's on Deadline that you
gave the option to Jane Bettinger.

What?

Why do I get the feeling you don't really
want your brother and Blair in Monaco?

My brother's always been the favorite.

But he never cared about his title
or our family the way I do.

I had hoped his marriage to Blair would
mean permanent exile to New York.

Sibling rivalry, backstabbing,
familial manipulation.

You really are a royal family,
aren't you?

Perhaps I can help you
get what you want.

In return for the inside story
of a royal feud.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Since I'm feeling a little raw
on the family front...

...if Eleanor refers to you as "Lily Bass"
again I can't promise I won't return fire.

I dragged you here.
You have my full blessing...

-...to go Sean Penn if need be.
-Thank you.

ELEANOR:
Well, what's going on in here?

Cyrus, isn't it time for you
to blow the shofar?

CYRUS:
It appears that, uh...

...Sophie had legal documents drawn up
regarding the upbringing...

...of our future grandchild.

Uh, Blair is supposed to sign these before
Sophie returns to Monaco tomorrow.

-Is that absolutely necessary?
-Well, let's not quibble over a signature.

I'm a 21st-century girl
with two lawyers for dads.

I understand the need for paperwork.

Some of these requirements
are pretty egregious.

Any time you take your child
out of Monaco for more than six hours...

...you have to inform palace security.
Now, that's a little over-the-top.

Not for a royal heir. Give me your pen.

Blair, it says here that you can't
go to New York...

...for more than 48 hours at a time.

And furthermore...

...if you break any of these rules,
you face the possibility...

...of losing custody of your child
to the royal family.

-What? Wait, that's--
-Outrageous.

[BEEPING]

[SIGHS]

What's going on in here?

I'm not off my meds...

...but I've kind of lost my mind.

Safecracking? Seriously?

I'm desperate.

If we don't get something to Diana,
we're gonna lose our jobs.

There's a story in that safe.
I saw it myself.

Oh, God.

I hope the Kennedys aren't rolling over
in their graves now.

I may have a way to open it.

It used to be Chuck's father's.
Just give me a second.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

-Thank you, Rabbi.
-Thank you. I'll see you next time.

Arthur, let's go around the block.

Dan Humphrey.

-Hi.
-I recognize you from TV.

-Jane Bettinger. It's nice to meet you.
-Yeah, I'm looking for Serena.

Who summoned you for me.
I'm a fan of your book.

It will make such a great movie.
Gatsby for the social-media age.

-So she's not around?
-She stepped out. Maybe I can help.

Can you explain to me why she told
Nikki Finke you had the option?

I'm sorry?
What are you talking about?

-Serena does work for you, doesn't she?
-False leaks are for amateurs.

Serena said she knew you,
she'd get me the book.

I'd never instruct her
to go behind your back to do so.

I've known Serena forever.
I don't believe...

...that she would sabotage me
unless you made her.

Serena.

Do you have anything
to say for yourself?

Jane didn't make me do it.
It was my own idea.

Mother's finally gone mad.

She's threatened Blair with the loss
of our child if she breaks a rule.

It doesn't surprise me at all, Louis.
You know what a tyrant she can be.

Mother, how could you do this?

Excuse me.

It's a simple custody agreement.

A simple custody agreement does not
allow you to take our child from us...

-...if you don't like something Blair does.
-Heh, what are you talking about?

-You wrote this, didn't you?
SOPHIE: Yes.

But I didn't put in any such clause.

It was probably a mistake,
mistranslated by Dominique...

...as you dictated the terms to her.

It was no mistake, Beatrice.
You must have put it there.

[SIGHS]

Yes, I did.

Blair has no respect for traditions
or the monarchy.

She'll do whatever she wants
with that child.

I can't believe
you'd betray us like this.

Obviously, Sophie,
you'll remove that clause.

My daughter's actions may have been
underhanded and deceitful...

...but your reaction makes me think
that she might be right.

If you really want
to embrace my family...

...you would have no problem
signing this contract.

The clause stays.

If you two cannot accept this...

...then I will not acknowledge the child
as my heir.

Nor will I acknowledge you.

You don't have that right anymore.

As the future reigning prince,
it's up to my child...

...to acknowledge you.

We are done talking, Louis.

I wish you could find it in yourself
not to make this terrible mistake.

It is you who is mistaken.

Throwing away your loyal family
for a fiancée you shouldn't trust.

Do you realize
that Blair told Beatrice...

...that she was pregnant
long before she told you?

Do you really believe
she has no other secrets?

It's true it's been a bit of a journey,
but I trust Blair.

I know all her secrets.

My darling.

How innocent you are.

I only wish, for your sake, that is true.

Goodbye.

I know that you have always
felt overlooked.

But no more.

All I've ever wanted
was your love and respect.

This is the mother lode. The biggest
secrets of the Upper East Side.

Even one of these would not only
launch the website...

-...but blow Diana's mind.
-And my ethics.

These are my friends.

Now that I've done this,
I don't know what I was thinking.

I don't even wanna look at them,
much less hand them over...

...so let's just put them back,
pretend this never happened.

If I showed up to work empty-handed,
I'll lose my job.

I know how important it is
for you to succeed. It is for me too.

But we'll find something else.

What about all that stuff
you said to me about the Kennedys?

Isn't that why you texted me?

Because you know
you won't get where you wanna be...

...unless you bend the rules a little.

Charlie, these might be my friends,
but they're your family.

And you're acting like
you barely even know them.

Oh, my God.

Ugh, you're totally right.

You know, I'm gonna put them back,
and you should just go.

-I'm really-- I'm sorry--
-No, hey, don't be sorry.

I know what it's like to feel the pressure
to make a name for yourself.

But you belong here.

You'll find your place eventually,
the right way.

I just donated $100,000 to Chabad...

...to find out which temple you attend.

The least you could do
is give me a minute.

You could've had 50,
but you wasted them.

Knowing your reputation,
I expected nothing less...

-...than an inappropriate manipulation.
-I don't think it's that simple--

You asked for my professional opinion,
and now you'll get it.

You never had a childhood, so you
behave like a child in the worst ways.

You pay for intimacy so you're always in
control and no one can get close to you.

Your superficial connections
and lack of authentic emotion...

...leave you isolated and alone.

Not just tonight. Always.

I wish you all the best.

But you're gonna need more than that
to live a happy and normal life.

I followed Jane all the way down to her
town car, apologizing, and even then...

...I don't think it was enough.
Thank you for waiting.

I didn't want to.

You scared away everyone.
Now no one wants the book.

Dan--

Your apology this morning
was just strategic, wasn't it?

Yeah. Pretty much.

Look, I finally finished the book.

-I told you. It's not you.
-Ugh.

Yes, there are parts of you.

And Daisy Buchanan and Amy March
and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Five different roles she's played.

But it's a novel.

It's inspired by a lot of things.
It isn't speaking some deeper truth.

Are you sure?

Because--

I know this may sound crazy,
or selfish...

...or like I'm living in the past,
heh, or something...

...but you're the love of my life.

I don't know, I--
I guess I just thought I was yours too.

GOSSIP GIRL: That's the thing
about writing what you know.

Soon, everybody else knows it too.

The Spectator Online lives.

[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

-Let's see Gossip Girl scoop this.
-Told you it'd work out.

She found something.
We didn't have to sell out our friends.

-Or ourselves.
-Yeah, you're right.

-And, uh, it looks like my job is safe.
-Yeah.

At least for the moment.

And thanks again...

...for helping me do nothing.

It was fun breaking into the safe,
wasn't it?

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, everyone.
Now the real work begins.

Get to your desks, and start writing.

I want a constant stream of content


Oh, Charlie,
come back to my office in five minutes.

[CHATTERING]

ELEANOR:
Hmm. Blair, darling.

I have to confess...

...that, um, I may have been the one to put
the idea of a contract into Beatrice's head.

I was just bragging about you
and it didn't matter where you lived.

No one could keep you
from being your own person.

And that is part of why
you will be a wonderful mother.

Thank you for saying that.

I know this isn't what you wanted
for me, at least not yet.

Hmm. These things happen
when they happen.

It's the first lesson of being a parent:

Children don't do...

...what you want them to do all the time,
when you want them to do it.

But you love them anyway.

Oh.

I bet you never thought you'd hear
such good parenting advice...

...from Eleanor Waldorf.

It's time for me to let my anger go
and return Dan's calls.

I mean, if he didn't piss me off,
it'd just mean he wasn't growing up.

That is the Rufus Humphrey
that I love.

I'm so relieved
I don't have to live my entire life...

...on one square mile
of jagged coastline.

I belong here, with my family...

...that respects my hopes and dreams.

I hope that includes me.

Can we talk, B?

When you told me you were pregnant,
I said that I would be there for you...

...and I haven't been.

-And I'm sorry.
-You had a work crisis.

-Yeah, but the truth is, I was jealous.
-If it makes you feel better...

...marrying a prince isn't what fairy tales
would lead you to believe.

No, that's not what I was
jealous about.

You're the star of Dan's book.

[SIGHS]

Well, as I said, it's pure fiction.

Oh. I wanna return these to you.

-And you're not gonna use them, ever?
-Anything of value in these...

...was already on Gossip Girl.
Everything else was far too tame.

Put them back
before anyone notices they're gone.

Charlie? You forgot one.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

SERENA [OVER PHONE]: Hey.
-Hey.

Uh, I thought about
what you said earlier.

How can either of us know who the loves
of our lives are until, uh, heh, we're old?

You know, I mean,
this thing's not over yet, right?

And, uh, I told Alessandra
that I'm giving you the book rights.

Look, you don't have to do that.
I wasn't trying to guilt you into it.

No, I know. I know. But without you
inspiring me from the beginning...

...I wouldn't have been able
to write anything. So I owe you one.

And despite the events of the day,
you know, I trust you.

I do have one condition.

I wanna write the screenplay.

-I'll talk to Jane right away.
-All right.

[LINE BEEPS]

Oh, you know what? That's my dad.
Uh, he's on the other line.

I'll see you soon, though.

Yes, in very long
development meetings.

Heh, okay.

Hey, Dad.

GOSSIP GIRL:
As challenging as atoning can be...

...the rewards make it
worth the sacrifice.

[BEEPS]

CHUCK [ON MACHINE]:
Everything you said was true.

I don't need another notch on my belt.

I need help.

I knew it last week.
Hell, I knew it last year.

I know it now.

I'm ready to be serious,
if you'll have me.

Hello.

GOSSIP GIRL: But the most
difficult part can be admitting...

...there was a sin to begin with.

GOSSIP GIRL: Most people find it
too hard to face their crimes...

...and think it's easier just to pretend
nothing ever happened.

-What are you doing up here all alone?
-Waiting for you.

Oh, I was looking for a pen.

I'm sorry you had to choose
between me and your mother.

It was the last thing I wanted.

You're my only family now.

I'm going to go run a bath.

GOSSIP GIRL: The problem with hiding
your sins is they always come back.

And on the day when some have atoned
for past transgressions...

...a once-pure prince can't help
but commit a new one.

[LINE RINGS]

I have a problem
I was hoping you could help me with.

I'd like to meet
so I could tell you more in person.

I'm more than willing
to pay for your time.

GOSSIP GIRL:
XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.