03x02 - Head Over Heels

Episode transcripts from season 2 to 6 and the pilot script. Show now ended.*
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Jake Doyle and his father Malachy run a private investigations agency in St. John's, Newfoundland. Their cases involve them in all sorts of dealings - not all of them on the right side of the law.
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03x02 - Head Over Heels

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on Republic of Doyle...

[Jake] What do you want? Is this a joke?

Officer Jake Doyle is terrorizing the population.

[Jake] I was doing just fine before you made me join this silly little club.

[Leslie] I lost my job because of Jake. Why should I help him?

[Rose] Because you love him.

[Leslie] What's common sense tell you this action's connected to?

[Leslie] If you don't get out of my face, I swear to God I'm gonna kick the sh*t out of you.

[Jake] Why'd you k*ll Anita?

Money, obviously.

[Rose] We've been home from our first retirement vacation for, what, two minutes and you're already with the phone?

[Mal] No.

[Rose] I don't think I'm ready to retire just yet.

[Mal] We're not dead, right?

[Des] Do you think that Jake will hire me back?

[Jake] You've gotta get Leslie Bennett her job back.

[Leslie] I'm a sergeant again.

Your free ride in this town's over. If I so much as see you cross the street towards me, I'll bust you back to hole you belong in.

[Jake] Well now...

[Jake] Would you put your frikkin back into it?

This fella shows up and I'll be the one who takes the b*ating.

[Mal] Not my fault you got your grandmother's arms.

[Jake] Why're we even doing these stupid repo jobs anyway?

We're private investigators, not repo men.

[Mal] Too proud for honest work now, are ya?

[Jake] I should've put you in a retirement home when I had the chance.

[Des] By's, it's summertime, alright? It's time to come together and celebrate.

[Jake/Mal] Shut up!

[Jake] You know, what are you even doing here? You're supposed to be on lookout, so go out there and look out!

[Des] Okay. I will go to the lookout. I'm gonna take my positive vibes to the lookout.

[Des] (Singing)

Strolling in the club, with the four-inch stilettos.

[Mal] Nice work, dumb ass. You should have got him to push.

[Jake] Let's just get these ski-doos out of here, (Tires squealing)

[Mal] Des!

[Jake] Des!

[Jake] Des!

[Mal] Des? Des, can you hear me?

[Jake] Yeah, I need an ambulance, right away.

[Mal] Tell them to hurry.

♪oh yeah (Oh yeah!)♪
♪oh yeah (Oh yeah!)♪
♪oh yeeeah oh yeeeah♪
♪oh yeah!♪


Code red.

[Jake] Is he gonna be okay?

[Nikki] I'll let you know his status as soon as we assess him. He's in good hands, Jake.

[Mal] - I better call Rose.

[Jake] Yeah. She'll want to be here.

(Phone ringing)

[Rose] Oh, for the love of Pete.

[Martin] Oh good, you're back.

Have you got a big wrench here somewhere to get this.

[Rose] Please tell me I'm hallucinating.

[Martin] Oh, I'm a vision, sweetheart.

[Rose] Martin, what're you doing here?

[Rose] Last time I saw you, you were married and riding off into the sunset.

[Rose] What happened?

[Martin] You remember my gorgeous wife, Toni?

She sh*t me.

[Rose] What?!

[Martin] Apparently I gamble too much. She got irritated with me.

She sh*t me right in the ass for gambling, then she sh*t me again for I don't know what for.

Then she runs off with the physio guy.

[Rose] Oh Martin, I'm really sorry.

[Martin] Yeah, he was a hell of a physiotherapist.

[Rose] Well it has been super catching up with you. And thanks for breaking into my house again.

[Martin] - Hang on now...

[Rose] - And just, take care, hey?

[Martin] I was hoping to have the chance to talk to you. The whole circumstances have changed. I'm entering a whole new act of my life right now.

[Rose] Oh, here we go.

[Martin] Can't you just spare me one drink? You owe me that. I could have been k*lled here, you know?

[Rose] Martin, fine.

One drink.

[Martin] One drink! Just to finish the bottle.

[Rose] Okay, what the hell.

[Martin] I just want to say, I need some of that money back that I gave you and your husband.

[Rose] How much exactly?

[Martin] - 200...

[Rose] - Oh.

[Martin] ...Grand.

[Rose] What?!

[Martin] Yeah, it's urgent, or else I wouldn't ask.

[Rose] We paid off the house.

[Martin] I need this money.

[Rose] And we set up trust funds for Des and Tinny's education.

[Martin] Can't you move stuff around?

[Rose] Not-- Okay, Malachy and I will have to discuss it.

When do you need it by?

[Martin] Yesterday. The day before.

[Rose] Okay, Martin. I'm really sorry. I can't. I can't.

[Martin] Okay, well no need to be sorry. I move to plan b, what's the big deal? So to good friends.

[Rose] To old sort-of friends and your quick exit.

[Martin] Okay.

[Rose] So? How bad is it?

[Martin] It's pretty bad. Or else I wouldn't have to be doing this.

[Rose] Doing what?

Oh...
[Martin] - Give me your hand.

[Rose] Martin, what did you do?

[Martin] I had to do this for your own good, I swear to God.

[Mal] Straight to voicemail... Again.

[Nikki] He's got a badly sprained knee and a minor concussion. He's very lucky.

[Mal] This is your fault. You might as well have run him over yourself.

[Jake] My fault?

What were you doing?

This is your fault, not my fault?

[Nikki] Guys! Guys, can you tone it down? It's a hospital and for the record, although I wasn't there, I'm guessing this was Jake's fault.

[Jake] Can we go see him now please?

[Nikki] Yes. For a minute but I warn you, he's still pretty out of it.

[Mal] How you doing there, son?

[Des] I tried to jump. I jumped so perfectly in my head. For a while there, I thought I was done. From now on, I'm going to live each day like it's my last.

(Snoring)

[Jake] Well, I can tell you one thing, whoever did this to Des, when we find him, I'm gonna string him up by his eyelids.

[Mal] One thing we agree on today. I'm going to try Rose again.



(Phone ringing)

[Rose] (Groaning)

[Martin] Rosie?

[Martin] Rosie? Rose.

[Rose] Where am I?

[Martin] Okay, now I realize I've got a lot of explaining to do.

[Rose] Why am I tied up?

[Martin] Now don't go getting all excited. This isn't some kind of weird sex thing, nothing like that.

We're totally--
[Rose] - Untie me!

[Martin] I'm so sorry. It's for your own protection.

[Rose] Protection from who?

[Martin] Do you remember Frances Lamont?

[Rose] Yes. Acrylic nails.

Tractor-trailer hijacking business. Frikkin clueless, man.

[Martin] That's not very nice. I thought the two of you got along pretty good.

[Rose] Martin! What happened?

[Martin] Okay, I'll tell you the truth. I bought a load of flat-screens from her. She gave me an unbelievable deal.

It was a great price.

I couldn't say no.

[Rose] You didn't pay her.

[Martin] Not yet. And then, somehow, she got the idea that... I shipped all of it out here to you.

[Rose] Really? Now why would she think that?

[Martin] Maybe I told her that.

[Rose] Untie me right now so I can frikkin k*ll you!

[Martin] Stop it. Maybe we can just reason with her. I didn't think she was come all the way out here to Newfoundland and dig you up.

(g*n sh*t) (Shattering glass)

[Rose] Ah!

[Frances] Well, well, Rose Poole. It's been a long time.

[Rose] Yeah, it's Doyle now. I have nothing to do with Martin.

[Frances] Whatever. I like your hair though.

(Phone ringing)

[Rose] You too.

[Frances] We need to talk Martin.

(Cocks g*n)

[Mal] I'm always after her to keep that phone charged.

Now what?

[Jake] Well, if buddy tries to get his windshield fixed, I mean any garage in town would call the police right away.

[Mal] He'd need someone who'd take a bribe and not rat him out to the cops.

[Mal] I think we know who to see.

[Jake] Who?



[Jake] Ned!

Ned bishop, old buddy.

It's nice to see you again.

[Mal] Hey, didn't you have your own cab company?

[N] ] Oh, I got bought out by Bugden's. I went bankrupt.

I work for Bugden's now.

[Mal] Sorry to hear that.

[Ned] And then the wife left me.

[Jake] Right. Uh, ned, you didn't happen to see a guy show up here with a busted a windshield by any chance?

[Ned] You mean the one the cops are looking around for?

Now, Doyle, what do you take me for? I'm a pillar of the transportation industry.

I don't deal with the criminal type.

[Jake] So, that car with the broken windshield, that wouldn't be the one I'm looking for then?

[Ned] Don't be jumping to conclusions. I got a perfect explanation.

Yeah, somewhere between 20 and 50 bucks I'm guessing.

[Jake] Dad... hey! Buddy!

You left something in the road back there.

Our little friend.

[Bruce] Don't k*ll me! We can make a deal!

[Mal] No deals today, my man.

When it comes to my family, I don't have a lot of patience.

So start talking!

[Jake] I would do exactly what he says because I've never seen him this pissed off.

[Bruce] I'll double what they're paying you for the hit!

[Des] You're my best friend Jake. Malachy, you're so crazy.

[Des] What? Oh!

[Des] Hi.

[Des] Am I dead?

Are you an angel?

[Chandra] Your heart is b*ating pretty fast so, no. I'd say you're not dead.

[Des] Oh good, oh good.

Because the whole dead thing, that's really not my scene.

[Chandra] I'm Chandra.

[Des] Good. Doctor. Nice. I mean I've met lots of doctors before.

Lots... pedi-ologist, p...
[Chandra] - Actually, I'm a med student.

This is part of my training.

Is that okay with you?

[Des] Please utilize any part of my body you find useful.

I've already donated it to science too.

[Chandra] Right.

[Des] Right. Yeah.

[Mal] Bruce Michaels.

314 fullerton close.

Calgary?

[Jake] I thought you said you're lived in that house where you ran over Des?

[Bruce] I do. Just let me explain. I thought he was trying to k*ll me.

[Jake] You thought Des Courtney was a hitman? Are we supposed to believe that?

[Bruce] I thought all three of you were. He was standing in the road in front of my house.

You guys were stealing those snow-sled-machine things.

[Jake] You know what, let's just the cops.

[Bruce] No, you can't!

I have a contract on my head.

It's all my fault.

But if they get me, my sister's dead.

[Jake] What?

[Mal] Your sister will die?

[Bruce] Yes.

It's all about this...

[Jake] Well, we don't have to do no more repo cases.

How much you got in here?

[Bruce] You can't have it.

[Mal] Just give us a second.

Come here.

[Mal] Take this guy back to the office and figure out if he's telling the truth about his sister.

[Jake] He's full of crap, dad.

[Mal] Probably. But I don't want to see another innocent person getting hurt here.

And don't spend that money.

[Jake] Whoa.

Where are you going?

[Mal] To find Rose.

Give me the keys.

[Jake] Don't hit any potholes.

(Sigh)

[Rose] Frances, you have to believe me. I have no idea what happened to your TV's.

Martin just comes running to me when he's in a jam.

[Martin] Why are you portraying me like some co-dependent sapjam?

[Rose] (Laughs)

You want me to answer that?

[Martin] Yes, please.

I'd like to hear an answer on that.

[Frances] Okay, you know what?

I don't care.

I wanna get paid for my LCD's and the truck they came in.

[Rose] You stole the truck?

[Martin] Stole, no.

Borrowed and lost it, yes.

(Phone ringing)

[Frances] Call it what you want.

I'm holding both of you responsible.

[Frances] Martin, sit down.

[Martin] Okay.

(Phone ringing)

[Frances] Mala-- Mala-kai?

[Rose] It's "Mala-key".

[Frances] What kind of name is that?

[Martin] (Laugh)

[Bruce] Okay, I stole the money from a very, a bad man. And now he's sent someone to k*ll me.

But I stole the money to pay for an operation in the states for my sister.

Laura's on her death bed.

She needs a new kidney.

I didn't know he was gonna put a hit out on me.

Now if I end up dead, she dies, too.

[Jake] Your sister needs a new kidney?

[Bruce] Jake, right?

Can I call you Jake?

[Jake] Sure, why not?

[Bruce] Jake, you have to let me go. Look, I'll give you half the money.

[Jake] So you'll give me half the money?

[Bruce] Yeah.

[Jake] Oh. So, I guess your sister needs half a kidney then?

[Jake] Drop the kidney story and all this sister crap, or I'll light you on fire.

[Bruce] I guess I should just get going.

[Jake] You stay exactly where you are. Give me your coat, in fact...

And your shoes.

[Jake] This guy's unbelievable.

Any word from Rose?

[Mal] Something's wrong. I dropped by the house. There's two wine glasses on the table and a turned over chair.

[Jake] Maybe she had like a day-boil that got really rough.

I'm sorry. Alright? I'm joking.

Stop being so paranoid.

I'm sure that she's fine.

I think you're overreacting.

What is this?

[Jake] It's a motel key for that motel out by the Gould's track.

[Jake] If he's living in that house that we were repoing the skidoos from, what's he got a motel room for?

[Mal] Why don't you figure that out, I'll figure this out.

[Jake] Alright fine. I'll call Walter to come over and babysit.

[Des] Ah!

[Des] Ah! Ah!

Is this supposed to feel good?

Because it doesn't feel good.

[Chandra] Hold still.

[Des] It doesn't feel good.

[Chandra] I'm going to have to give you a sedative if you keep this up.

[Des] Oh, no, no, no.

I can't take those.

See, they make me sleepy.

[Arnold] Hey, I'm just looking for the victim of the hit and run.

[Chandra] Excuse me, you can't be in here.

[Des] Yeah, we're in the middle of something.

[Arnold] Oh, it's okay. I'm an insurance adjuster. I just wanna ask a couple of questions about the accident. Did you get a plate number?

[Des] Well, I don't know. The whole thing happened so fast, I didn't really see much of anything. Oh, but maybe if you hypnotize me slightly.

[Chandra] Sorry, who do you represent? If you don't even know who owns the car, I mean.

[Des] A deductive mind.

I love it.

[Arnold] No, I know who owns the car. I just gotta find him.

[Chandra] You don't look professional enough to be an insurance professional to me.

[Arnold] Look, just stop asking so many stupid questions. Just tell me what I wanna know!

[Chandra] Okay, can I see some I. D. Or maybe I'll just call security.

[Arnold] Look, I left my credentials in the car.

I'll be right back.

[Chandra] Okay, what was that?

[Des] I'm a private detective.

Danger and intrigue follow me everywhere.

[Chandra] Really?

[Des] Really.

And dogs like me too.

Oh, actually, can you get a still image of that guy for me from security?

[Chandra] Sure, I guess.

[Des] Much obliged, doctor.

(Chime)

[Des] Oh! Oh, um... That's-- That's an old friend.

Not like an old person, like, she needs a cane or anything.

It might not be a she, it's a--
[Chandra] - We've got rounds, so I'll check in on you later.

[Des] Great. Thanks.

[Des] (Exhales) Uh... Hey tinny, how's england?

Sorry, I was busy.

I'm just recuperating from a near-fatal injury.

[Martin] Hey, Frances, I may have exaggerated when I said that Rosie had anything to do with those TV's.

[Rose] Oh, "exaggerated"?

[Martin] Okay, okay.

Now, I'm kind of dry on cash right now.

But what I do have is a parcel of land.

Would you be interested in this?

The way this province is-- Okay.

(Phone ringing)

[Frances] Oh my God.

Who is that? Shut it off!

It's driving me insane!

[Rose] I can't shut it off.

I would if I could.

But if it's my husband again, yup, he's gonna call the cops.

He's going to be worried about me. You know, somebody might have seen Martin dragging my body out of my house.

[Martin] She's right you know.

You'd better answer it.

(Phone ringing)

[Frances] Be very careful.

[Rose] Hey honey.

Sorry, I just saw you called.

[Mal] Rose! Rose, thank God.

Are you alright?

[Rose] Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Sorry, I left my phone at home in the charger.

[Mal] Rose, I was at home.

[Rose] Okay, hun.

Just ran into an old friend from yoga.

We're gonna go for a jog.

So you take care, I'll talk to you later.

Love you (Kisses)

[Mal] Rose, you hate jogging.

Rose? Rose?

[Tinny] So, a guy just ran you over?

[Des] Well, I was the look out.

(Siren)

[Tinny] I guess you better work on that.

[Des] What'd you say?

I can't hear you over the siren.

[Des] Oh no, that's weird.

I thought they had the funny British sirens.

[Tinny] They... phased them out.

[Des] It sounds just like the siren that pulled up outside.

[Des] You're within one kilometer of this hospital room, somewhere northwest of my room.

You're not in London!

[Tinny] Des, don't be stupid.

Obviously, I-- Oh!

[Des] Tinny! Tinny! Tin-- Timothy is a nice name.

[Des] Hey.

How's it going Malachy?

What's up?

[Mal] What's wrong with you?

[Des] Uh, I got hit by car and I'm on dr*gs.

[Mal] Okay. I need you to track a cell phone number.

[Des] Alright.

That's Rose's number.

Do you know what she'll do to me if I do this?

[Mal] Do you know what I'll do to you if you don't?

Open the laptop, get to work.

[Des] I... I'll do it as soon as you leave the room.

[Des] I got these sore typing fingers. I can barely-- I'll call you.

[Mal] I don't care about the dirty pictures on your laptop.

Just give me the info. Now!

[Des] Okay b'y.



(Knocking)

[Jake] Hello?

Anybody call for a masseuse?



[Jake] Yes, b'y.

[Jake] Well now.

(g*n cocking)

[Molly] Hands where I can see 'em.

[Jake] Uh, don't sh**t. Um... Hold on, just-- [Molly] - Who are you, and where's Bruce?

[Jake] I mean, I'm-- This is--
I was-- I'm housekeeping.

[Molly] Take off your clothes.

[Jake] Excuse me?

[Molly] All of them.



[Molly] Hello 911.

A man broke into my room.

Come here quick.

[Jake] This is not at all how I thought this was going to play out.

♪Yeeeah♪

(Laughing)

[Hood] You got your small game license, Doyle?

(Laughing)

[Jake] It's, uh-- It's a lot colder in here than it looks.

[Hood] Well, we can get you down out of there Doyle, but none of these keys are gonna work.

[Jake] Oh, I know. It's funny.

Seriously though, b'ys.

Someone uh... Someone let me down.

[Hood] Not so quick with the bald jokes now, eh?

What do you call this kind of opportunity?

Oh, yeah! "Payback".

[Leslie] Out!

[Leslie] I don't even wanna know.

[Jake] No, there was a woman, and she had a g*n and she made me undress.

[Leslie] Jake, if this is about Des and that hit and run, so help me...

[Jake] Leslie, I have something a lot bigger going on here.

[Leslie] Not from where I'm standing there isn't.

You have no regard for the consequences of your actions, or the effect your choices have on other people.

Des could have been k*lled, and God knows how many other countless people have been crippled in your wake.

[Jake] Where the hell is all this coming from?

[Leslie] It's been brewing for a while.

You're a disaster.

[Jake] Do you mind if I, uh... Get a towel to cover up, or...

[Martin] Frances, I can't sit here any more. My ass is k*lling me. I gotta get my cushion. I got a special one in the car.

Can I go and get it or can you get it for me? It's k*lling me.

[Frances] Oh fine.

Alright, alright. Go get it.

I've got the keys.

You're not going anywhere.

[Martin] That's right.

I remember you're a cr*ck sh*t.

Why would I try anything?

I don't wanna take any chances.

[Frances] Hurry up.

[Martin] Okay, thank you.

Ow! Ow!

[Rose] Second wife sh*t him twice.

[Frances] So not that much luck with women then.

[Rose] Listen, I didn't want to say this when Martin was here, but I've got money.

[Frances] Like, how much money?

[Rose] Let me go, keep him, and I'll come back with my half of the debt.

[Frances] How about all of it?

You come back with all of it or that ex-husband of yours?

His blood will be on your hands, alright?

[Rose] Okay, I'll bring all the money. All the money.

I'll bring it all.

[Frances] You've got an hour.

One minute more and he's gonna need a bigger ass cushion.

[Rose] Okay, okay.

(Phone beeping)

[Frances] What is that?

[Rose] I don't know. I've never heard that before.

[Frances] Come on.

[Mal] Hi.

[Rose] Frances.

(Wham!)

[Martin] Whoa ho ho!

[Mal] What the hell's going here?

[Martin] The calvary is here.

Hi ya Malachy.

[Mal] Rose?

[Rose] Yup, it's exactly what it looks like.

Yeah.

(Traffic and car horns)

[Hood] Thanks for the apple flip. You know, if Leslie finds you here, we're both dead men.

You know that right?

[Jake] Look, I am not afraid of Leslie Bennett. So just give me the file, tell me what you know.

[Hood] Bruce's license is fake.

It's an alias for a known career criminal from Calgary named Bruce Pimpernell-Humberfield.

[Jake] That's quite a handle.

[Hood] He's got a rap-sheet a mile long and a wife.

[Jake] There's a familiar face.

So she works at the Gould's track.

[Hood] What are you onto here, Doyle?

[Jake] Look, I like--

[leslie] Where'd you get the apple flip?

[Hood] Yeah, I, uh... Got it earlier at Breen's.

[Leslie] Nice of you to ask if I wanted one.

[Leslie] No thanks. Let's go.

[Hood] Yeah. You're not afraid of her at all.
(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Shut up.

[Jake] Hello? Just hang on.

(Car engine)

[Walter] I need you to spot me 400 bucks.

[Jake] What?

[Walter] Bruce is a riot, but he's a good card player.

[Jake] Look I'm telling you just watch out for him. He's slippier than he looks.

[Walter] Jake, I'm a criminal lawyer. I think I can handle myself.

[Jake] And listen, if dad shows up, just tell him to call me, alright? I gotta go.

[Walter] Double or nothing?

[Bruce] No, but I think you're gonna like the call I just made.

(Knocking)

[Walter] Jake told me not to trust you.

[Walter] Though, Jake is a horrible judge of character.

[Bruce] Walter-- Can I call you Walt?

As my father used to say, "just because you're running from your life doesn't mean you can't live one."

[Walter] You're not running, you're hiding.

[Bruce] I think there is a shower in the back.

It's not huge, but Walt, you're a resourceful guy.

Ladies...

[Martin] So Fran, eh, how do you think you'd like your steak?

Do you want it medium?

One nod for rare, give me two for well done.

[Mal] Why is Martin here, exactly? And why does Frances think you stole her TV's?

Why can't you answer your stupid phone?!

[Rose] Calm down, okay?!

I couldn't answer it.

First of all, Martin drugged me, then I was tied up.

[Mal] He drugged you?

The man making dinner for us in our kitchen?

[Rose] It's not what it sounds like. Not if it's-- Mal! Mal! Stupid--

[mal] You drugged my wife?

[Martin] Well I had to.

It was for her own good.

I was just kind of helping her out.

[Mal] What's with the cane?

[Martin] My ex-wife.

She sh*t me.

[Mal] Did you drug and kidnap her too?

[Martin] No!

[Rose] Okay, could you calm down! You're gonna bust a heart valve.

[Mal] I'll calm down when you cut this man out of our lives!

(Phone ringing)

[Martin] Oh.

[Mal] This is how a phone works.

[Rose] Okay, that's it.

That's it pal. Get out of here.

[Mal] What?

[Rose] I can handle this situation on my own!

[Mal] You want me to leave you here with you degenerate ex-husband and a crazed loon tied to a chair?

[Rose] You know what?

Do you know what?

I've handled worse.

And right now, I prefer their company to yours!

[Mal] What?

I'll be right there.

[Martin] Don't be fooled by any of this. They're actually a beautiful couple.

(Horses galloping)

[Jake] Any word from Rose?

[Mal] I don't want to talk about it.

[Jake] That's fine by me.

Look at this.

[Jake] Des snagged this photo from the security footage at the hospital. He said he was looking for Bruce and that he was an insurance adjuster.

[Mal] He doesn't look it.

[Jake] That girl there at the ticket window? She's the one that left me hanging naked.

[Mal] Please don't explain that to me.

[Jake] Anyway, apparently she's Bruce's wife. She thought I was gunning for him.

Let's see if she back up the numb-nuts' story.

[Molly] We got a winner.

[Jake] Hi there.

Remember me?

[Molly] Look, I'm sorry about before. I didn't know who you were or what you wanted.

Bruce just keeps saying somebody is after us.

[Jake] Listen, don't worry about it. Who do you think it is that's trying to k*ll your husband?

[Molly] I don't know.

He just keeps saying that somebody's after us.

That's why he has me stashed at the hotel.

[Jake] You don't believe that there's a contract on your husband's head or that he's stealing money to save his ailing sister?

[Molly] Bruce doesn't have a sister.

[Jake] Alright, uh... Where'd he get the massive bag of money?

[Molly] He had a bag of money on him?

What else did he have?

[Jake] Besides a massive bag of money? I didn't really notice, so where'd he get it?

[Molly] Do you think I'd be working at a place like this if I knew my husband had a ton of cash?

[Molly] I gotta go back to work.

I'm really sorry about before.

[Jake] Listen, have a look at this photo for me, alright?

He showed up at the hospital looking for Bruce.

Recognize him?

[Molly] No.

[Mal] So, no sick sister then.

[Jake] No, but I'm telling you right now, I can tell she knows this guy.

[Mal] Either way, someone's gonna pay for hitting Des.



[Mal] Bruce?

[Jake] Walter?

[Walter] Jake? In here!

(Banging)

[Call girl] Someone? Anyone?

[Jake] What the hell's this?

[Call girl] Finally!

It's about time.

[Jake] Bruce's money?

[Jake] Ladies, I think you should probably go now.

[Call girl] That's 600 bucks.

[Jake] I think this one is going to be on Bruce.

[Jake] That should about cover it.

[Call girl] Call again, Wally.

Anytime.

[Walter] (Whispers) Oh my God!

[Mal] Didn't take his money with him.

[Jake] Why don't we take the cash, go back to the house and stash it there?

[Mal] I haven't exactly filled you in.

[Mal] Two words... Martin Poole.

And he's not even the half of it.

[Jake] Nice. But hey, here's the good news.

Ex's? Everybody's got one.

Welcome to the 21st century.

Let's go.



[Martin] Oh, hey!

[Martin] How're you doing buddy?

[Frances] (Mumbling)

[Jake] What's on the go here?

[Martin] Oh, the hospital called. Dessie needs picking up.

He's being released.

[Mal] Oh good. Come on Jake.

Let's go.

[Jake] Someone want to tell me who the tied up missus is here?

[Martin] Oh, she's a friend of mine.

[Mal] I've been told to stay out of it, and I intend to. Come on.

[Mal] Jake, come on!

[Martin] Gotta let this breath.



[Martin] - Well look at this...

[Rose] - Hey, I just saw Jake and Mal pull away.

[Martin] - Heh heh heh...

[Rose] - What the hell is that?

[Martin] Manner from heaven.

[Rose] Where did you get that?

[Martin] (Laughing)

Beautiful.

[Des] The sun's coming from screen right.

And her hair was blowing in a gentle easterly direction.

There's no sea in the background and lots of freshly planted evergreens, indicating recent storm damage.

Wishing well park!

Of course, she's hiding in plain sight!

[Chandra] Hey.

[Des] Hey, how's it going?

[Chandra] So you're a free man.

[Des] Yes. Yes, I am.

I mean I am free.

I mean, um... I've dated before, obviously, but there is no "Ms. Courtney", per se.

[Chandra] I mean you're free to go. Just sign here and you can get dressed.

[Des] (Laughing)

Okay. Uh... okay, um... That's good.

So will there be a follow up appointment?

Because I can make house calls?

[Jake] Des, hurry up. Your father's in the car, and I swear to God he's not fit to talk to.

[Des] Sure thing. Thanks for being available to pick me, employee.

My staff, they're very loyal.

Good work.

[Chandra] Um, it was nice meeting you, and I'm glad you're feeling better.

[Des] Thanks. I am. Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

[Chandra] Bye.

[Des] What?

[Jake] Your employee?

[Des] Like we're employees together. It was just a joke, it was a funny joke.

[Ned] Hello kind sir.

Can I help you?

[Arnold] Well, I'm not sure.

(Slap)

[Ned] Look, if this is about dented Escalade on Bond Street, it wasn't me. Alright? I had shag all to do with it.

[Ned] Ah!

[Ned] What b'y?

[Arnold] I'm looking for Bruce Michaels. You haven't seen him, have you?

[Des] What are we doing here?

Are you trying to make me relive my horror? You know, I get it.

Get right back on the horse, right?

I'm living through my fear, I'm living through my fear.

[Mal] Why don't you take it easy, son, and wait for us out here.

[Jake] Yeah, go relive that fear or whatever.

[Jake] Ah, it's just driving me crazy. Why would he leave the money behind at the office?

[Mal] Why don't we have a look in the garage?

[Mal] Do you really think someone's out to k*ll Bruce?

[Jake] - Well...

[Mal] - What do you think?

[Jake] I sort of want to k*ll him.

[Jake] What's all this?

[Mal] What's he got going on here?

[Jake] Printing money.

[Jake] What do you suppose this is?

[Mal] That's a printing press.

[Jake] Aren't these things supposed to have, you know, forgery plates or whatever?

[Mal] That's the most valuable part.

[Jake] So they're not here.

He must have them with him. It explains why he left the money back at our place.

[Mal] Travel light, print more.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] What?

[Bruce] Jake, you've gotta help me, I'm in big trouble.

[Jake] Oh, you're in big trouble.

(Car engine)

[Mal] Is that Bruce's car?

[Jake] Yeah, that's Bruce.

[Jake] Bruce?

[Des] Hey, Jake, do you think that girl at the hospital, did she seem nice to you? I just really value your opinion, romance-wise.

[Mal] Son, he's the last one you want to talk about that subject, trust me.

[Jake] Oh, listen to himself.

The big expert all of a sudden.

When was the last time you spoke to your wife, by the way?

[Des] (Singing)

[Jake] Des! Des!

(Boom!)


♪Oh yeah!♪



[Des] Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ow!

Oh, wait, a little lower.

Lower, no, no higher--
[Chandra] - Des, I have to stitch where the wound is. Otherwise it's called "piercing".

[Des] Yeah.

[Leslie] I figured it out, this whole thing, what you've been up to.

You're trying to m*rder Des.

[Jake] Well, not on purpose.

[Leslie] I always wondered why you had no friends. It turns out you k*lled them all.

[Mal] So what about Bruce? Is he still alive, did he make it?

[Leslie] Well, let's just say unless Bruce is made of plastic, and was stolen from the woolworth's window display, I'd say he is alright.

[Jake] What, he pretended to be a mannequin?

[Leslie] Malachy, I know he's your son. I know that.

But do yourself a favour, get out while you still can.

[Mal] You know, you are the worst I've ever seen when it comes to courting women. It's like a reverse talent.

[Jake] (Sigh)

[Jake] So, uh, here's his number. We're trying to marry him off. There will be no dowry.

[Des] Ah! Ow!

[Jake] So, where do you want to look now?

[Mal] Well, I'm thinking working the window at a race track would be a good place to switch out counterfeit.

[Jake] That's actually not too stupid.

[Rose] Hey, hey, hey. There is no way we are stealing Jake and Malachy's money.

[Martin] I didn't say anything about stealing. We're borrowing it, to pay off a mutual debt.

[Rose] Mutual? Really?

[Martin] That's right.

[Rose] No, no, no. You leave that money alone until I know what Malachy's doing with it.

[Martin] Okay.

Alright.

Don't get excited.

We just ask Malachy if we can borrow...

[Frances] 127K. Would that do it, or maybe the whole bag?

[Rose] Martin, I told you to keep checking her knots.

[Martin] I thought I did. Just, steady now, Franny. You don't have to hurt her.

[Frances] Oh well, you know what the whole bag, will maybe cover the cr*ck you gave me on my head, Rosie.

This is counterfeit.

It's good counterfeit though.

[Rose] Counterfeit?

[Martin] She's got a good eye.

[Frances] Let's just say a couple 100 thousand more should cover our debt.

[Rose] And how am I supposed to do that?

[Frances] Wait, aren't you supposed to be the smart one?

Think of something.

(Horses galloping)

[Mal] Molly isn't here.

God knows where her and Bruce might be.

(Phone ringing)

[Molly] Jake.

[Jake] Molly. How nice to hear your voice. Put Bruce on the phone.

[Molly] Hold on.

[Bruce] Jake, it's not what you think.

[Jake] Oh, so it wasn't you that stuck a mannequin in a car and blew it up thinking that we'd believe it was your dead body. Where are the plates?

We want to meet you now.

[Bruce] Okay. Okay I'll meet you. I'll send you the address.

[Jake] Good. Send the address.

[Mal] He says he'll meet?

[Jake] It's a trap, you think?

[Mal] Oh yeah, it's a trap.

[Bruce] Ha ha. It's that PI.

Good news. He found your plates and he's bringing them here.

[Arnold] You'd better hope he's not lying.

[Jake] He's going to text me the address then.

[Mal] So, what do you think?

We turn him in, call it a day?

[Jake] Is that Rose calling? If I was you, I'd answer it, if you know what's good for you.

[Mal] Rose? Rose? I love you, I'm sorry. I know it's foolish, but every time Martin shows up I always feel something bad is going to happen.

[Rose] Mal, listen to me.

Frances wants in on the counterfeiting ring, or she's going to k*ll me.

[Mal] Think she might take the plates.

[Rose] Even better.

[Jake] We gotta walk into that trap, or Rose is dead.

[Jake] Right. Well, what do you know? You must be Arnold, right?

I heard you were in town. I see you've met the lovely couple.

[Arnold] Shut up. Just give me the plates or I'll k*ll the lot of you.

[Jake] Arnold, buddy, I don't have the plates. Alright? This nimrod does. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is the nimrod who stole them from you in the first place.

[Molly] I don't believe you for a second.

[Jake] Well that really hurts my feelings.

[Bruce] You gotta believe me. I was keeping the plates safe until I could give them back to you, and he stole them from the house, and then he ran over a little boy. I saw it.

[Jake] Whoa, whoa.

I ran him over?

Look, I'm not an idiot, okay?

I knew this was a set up.

I just came here--
[Molly] - You're a m*rder*r and the thief, so just give us the plates.

[Jake] Arnold, look at me.

I don't have the plates, but I don't care how big you are.

When I leave here, I'm gonna-- (Whack!)

[Jake] Ow!

(Crash!)

[Molly] Oh God!

[Jake] What took you so long?

[Mal] Those bathrooms.

Small windows.

[Jake] Alright Bruce.

You are really starting to get on my nerves.

[Mal] Okay, this is gut check time. Okay? You have to do the right thing, show your wife what kind of man you really are.

[Molly] (Scream)

[Molly] Hey!

[Jake] Ow b'y!

[Mal] Okay, I'll follow.

You set up the swap.

Call Rose.

[Molly] I can't believe he left me like that.

Bruce!

[Jake] Obviously I'm gonna have to tie you up.

(Cocks g*n)

What do you say?

Think you should get undressed this time?

♪Yeeeah♪


[Des] Oh my God!

I can't believe you're really here! Even when I knew it, I didn't believe it!

I think I'm gonna throw up.

[Tinny] Please don't.

[Des] Jake's gonna k*ll you, and then he's gonna k*ll me. Then Mal's gonna k*ll me. Why aren't you in London? Maybe you can still go back, that way we don't have to die so young. But then again, I don't want you to go.

This is a dilemma.

[Tinny] You're over heating.

Just sit back down and calm down.

Did you tell anyone I was here?

[Des] No.

How long that you been home?

[Tinny] I never left.

[Des] All this time I've been pining for you, and you haven't even been across an ocean?

[Tinny] You were pining?

[Des] It just happens sometimes.

It's a reflex.

[Tinny] You can't tell anyone you found me here. I called you from the airport and you just gave me a lift into town.

[Des] Great. Sure. Yeah. It'll be a secret for us to share, secretly.

[Tinny] Sure.

(Phone ringing)

[Des] Oh I hope that's not Jake.

[Des] Oh!

Oh-- Uh...
[Tinny] - Who's Chandra?

[Des] Nobody. I mean, she's somebody, obviously. She's a person, but she's like a friend.

[Tinny] Whatever.

[Des] She didn't touch my bum.

[Tinny] Okay.

Des, just keep your mouth shut, okay?

[Des] Okay.



[Mal] He came straight here.

[Jake] He must have stashed the plates when he was getting his windshield fixed.

[Jake] Listen, I spoke to Frances. She's going to bring Rose here.

[Mal] Good. Let's hope we've got something to trade.

[Jake] Give it.

[Bruce] You can't take them. You remember my sister? She took a turn for the worse!

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Yeah right.

[Jake] It's Molly.

[Molly] Jake, he's got me.

[Arnold] Here.

[Jake] Okay, just stay calm Mol--

[Arnold] You get me those plate or I deliver her in pieces.

[Jake] Alright, relax.

Don't k*ll anybody, okay?

[Jake] Arnold's gonna k*ll Molly if we don't give him the plates.

[Mal] What are we gonna do?

We need these plates for Rose.

[Bruce] We gotta save Molly!

Give him the plates, give him anything, I don't care. Jake, I love her. Jake, she's all I got.

[Jake] Well look at that.

Somewhere inside you there's a tiny, little con-man heart.

Never would have thought it.

[Jake] Just relax.

I've got a plan.



[Frances] Oh well, here we are.

Look at that. One big happy family reunion.

[Mal] I'm sorry about this Mal, really.

[Martin] No, it's totally my fault.

[Mal] We'll settle up later, both of you.

[Martin] Ah.

[Jake] And look at our other happy prize winners.

[Molly] Bruce.

[Bruce] Molly!

[Molly] I'm so sorry. We should have run. He said he was gonna split the money with you.

[Arnold] I don't know who these other jokers are, but what's mine is mine.

[Jake] Ah, take it easy there, cocky. One false move and I swear you'll be picking up these plates from now until Christmas.

[Frances] Don't try it.

[Arnold] Who the hell is she?

[Frances] Who am I?

Who are you?

[Jake] Well, details are kind of scanty on that, but she's here for your plates.

[Bruce] Arnold, don't hurt her.

I'll give you anything.

[Arnold] Like my own plates back?

[Bruce] Sure.

[Arnold] Wait! Everybody just shut up so I can concentrate.

[Mal] You know what? This is all your fault and it's about time you owned up to it.

[Rose] Seriously, we're back to this again?

[Mal] If you hadn't gone to Chicago with that friend of yours, you can never handle anything yourself!

[Frances] I told you you can't trust a man.

[Rose] It's not just men you can't trust, Frances.

(Wham!)

[Mal] That's my girl.

(g*n sh*t)

[Arnold] Drop it.

[Arnold] You!

Bring me the plates.

[Jake] Just-- Hold on.

You win.

[Jake] Now don't go getting on like that now. You just come on forward and you just take those plates.

[Bruce] Just don't hurt her.

[Arnold] I don't think you have to worry there.

[Martin] Wow.

[Molly] I am so sorry darling.

I didn't plan for it to be this way. Please don't take it personal.

[Bruce] I don't understand.

[Molly] Besides the fact that you bail on me at the first sign of trouble?

[Molly] I just picked a better horse.

[Jake] Well the race ain't over yet.

[Arnold] Oh, I think it is my friend.

(Zap!)

[Rose] You hooked it up so that whoever touched it first got zapped. Nice!

[Mal] Not as nice as that head butt.

[Rose] Oh, thank you darling.

[Jake] She was kind of way out of your league anyway.

[Molly] (Groaning)


♪Oh yeah♪


[Leslie] Doyle!

Jake.

[Jake] I know, I know. I'm a huge jerk. I only delivered you a counterfeit ring, some counterfeit plates and a wanted felon on a silver platter. So you might as well just sue me.

[Leslie] Sure, you solved the case. Good for you. Even though you ignored every single thing I told you.

But who cares right?

Thanks again for the unwanted help.

[Jake] Are you pissed because I'm not naked again, because I know a way that we can fix that.

[Leslie] You take these risks, it's only a matter of time before somebody really gets hurt. Then you're the one who is gonna have to live with it.

[Ned] I'm pretty sure somebody backed into this earlier.

It wasn't me though.

I wasn't anywhere handy.

[Jake] Is this from my car?

[Ned] If you want to leave it here over night I can try to have somebody fix it for you.

It'll be 100 bucks, tops.

[Ned] Or 150.

Probably 200.

Tax on that too.

[Mal] To us.

[Rose] To never being apart again.

[Martin] It's the way you communicate.

That's what impressed me.

It's that wordless communication, you know?

I mean you've got it!

Synchronicity or something?

Synch-- Something.

Anyway, back at the garage, wow!

[Rose] Martin, I think you should--

[Mal] - No, no.

Let the man finish.


And then you kinda came up with the Jackie chan moves or whatever...

Oh, boy.

You didn't.

Oh, yeah, ahh.

You drugged him?

Yeah.

He deserved it.

We'll send him packing in the morning.

Pint?

Yeah!

What a day. Cheers!

Cheers.

Where is Des? Is he okay?

He's standing right behind you, actually.

Hey.

Um...

Hey guys, I'm home.

Tinny?
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