03x06 - The Dating Game

[bunniefuu]

[Narrator] Previously on Republic of Doyle...

[Rose] Your purse. It's real.

[Kathleen] My Prada purse is missing and I think Rose took it.

[Jake] So what if she did?

[Kathleen] I have dr*gs in the purse.

[Rose] I may need you to come bail me out.

[Rose] This was in Kathleen's purse.

[Jake] Why does Kathleen have a g*n?

[Kathleen] I had a guy out west who was stalking me for a while.

[Mal] Kathleen's got a friend of hers. Uh, some guy. Eric.

[Tinny] So what's with buddy?

[Kathleen] He's just a friend, baby.

[Tinny] I miss hanging out with you. We could go for a walk or something.

[Des] Yeah, I don't know how I feel, but it's something like weird.

[Des] I was thinking we could do something, uh, maybe separately.

[Chandra] Des, is everything okay?

[Leslie] My dad taught me how to tie one of these, in case my husband needed it.

[Jake] So you in the market?

[Jake] Would you hurry up?

Please? Listen, do not be stingy with the dressing and gravy this time.

[Ziggy] Oh I am insulted. Truly!

This is a respectable chip truck, and the accusation that I would misrepresent the quantity of posted portions is ludicrous, my friend. Ludicrous.

[Jake] Yeah, I know. You're a persecuted soul, Zig.

[Ziggy] (Laughing)

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] What b'y? I'm on my way.

[Mal] You're some slow.

[Jake] Yeah, look. Don't worry.

Alright? I'll get the chips and the fish and you can start clogging your arteries in no time. Bag it.

[Ziggy] Great chefs cannot be rushed, Jake. You knows that b'y. [Mal] Jake?

[Mal] Jake?

[Jake] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I gotta go. I'll be back in a minute.

[Jake] Hey! Hot cop! How're you doing? You look fantastic today, by the way. Isn't it just such great luck, you know, running into you on such a beautiful day? I think fate is shining on us.

[Leslie] Oh yeah, fate is it? I don't happen to return your seven phone messages and you just find me on my way to a call.

[Jake] Well, fate, destiny, small town, whatever. You know it all works for me. could have a little chat.

(Rattling)

(Spraying)

[Leslie] I don't want to chat.

Go away.

[Jake] Okay, well, what's wrong with talking? You know?

Talking's good.

[Leslie] Go away! Shoo!

[Jake] Shoo? Did you just shoo me?

[Leslie] I'll do a lot worse if you don't pack off and leave me alone.

(Zap)

[Man] Ahh!

(Yelling through tape)

[Jake] Okay, obviously right now is not the most opportune time to talk, but hey, hey! What about later, you know, we hook up after work and have a little, uh, whiskey tasting thing.

[Leslie] Jake, I don't know if you're the most optimistic person on the planet or if you just suffered brain damage in the shower this morning or what.

Get it through your skull: I don't like you.

[Jake] Liar. I think you have real feelings for me, so we should talk about these feelings tonight, over drinks, in bed, with no pants on.

[Leslie] My God, would you get over yourself? I don't want to see you naked, alright?

[Jake] Okay. If it'll help seal the deal, you talk your pants off, and I'll leave mine on.

[Leslie] Oh my God.

[Leslie] What?

[Jake] Uh...

[Jake] I think we have a bit of a situation here.

[Leslie] That's a robbery Jake.

We gotta stop them.

[Leslie] Stop, police!

[Jake] Hey!

(Engine starting)

[Jake] Open the door!

(Woman groaning)

(Banging on glass)

(g*n sh*ts)

(Tires squealing)

[Leslie] We can't let them inside.

[Jake] That's the idea.

[Jake] Now this is what I'm talking about.

[Leslie] Oh God help me.

♪ Oh yeah (Oh yeah!) ♪
♪ oh yeah (Oh yeah!) ♪
♪ oh yeeeah oh yeeeah ♪
♪ oh yeah! ♪

[Des] It's like this amazing gathering of people with this, like, special, special skill set.

[Chandra] What kind of skill set?

[Des] Well, I'm glad you asked.

It's a group of individuals who have the ability to predict--

Well actually, no. Determine certain outcomes in the near future, in like a... a fair-type setting.

[Chandra] Fair-type setting?

Des, what kind of fair is this?

[Des] Uh, like a, like a psychic fair.

[Chandra] Like a psychic fair?

[Des] Ok, it is a psychic fair, but it's really, really good times, and it's only in town for three days. Thoughts?

Questions? Concerns?

[Chandra] Uh, it sounds, um, it sounds great, but, uh, I can't.

[Des] Okay. No, totally.

Totally.

[Chandra] No. No, no, no, no.

Des. No, no. It's not that. I don't want you to think... Des, I'm just super busy.

(Intercom)

[Chandra] I gotta go. I'm sorry.

[Des] It's just the last time I was there, they said there'd be trouble in my near future, and the next day I met Jake.

Wild wha?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

[Rose] It's okay Dessie. She likes you.

[Des] Yeah, no, yeah. She's crazy about me. That's probably why she hung up on me.

[Mal] Where the hell is Jake?

Says he's coming back with supper half an hour ago.

[Des] Yeah, he once left me outside a strip club holding a man's boot for 12 to 13 hours, and then yelled at me for being late for work.

[Rose] He probably just got distracted. It's one happy hour.

Big deal.

[Mal] It's not just any happy hour! It's the second Friday of the month!

[Rose] Half-priced whiskey tasting. I'll check the hospitals.

[Des] I'll call open line and put out a missing persons.

[Mal] I'll pick up the food myself. Des, come with me.

(Rose's cell phone ringing)

[Rose] Oh.

[Rose] Hey Tinny. What's up?

[Tinny] Where's Uncle Jake?

[Rose] I'm just trying to track him down right now.

[Kathleen] I said get out!

[Eric] You know you don't mean that.

(Commotion)

[Rose] What's going on there?

What's happening?

[Tinny] Mom's kind of freaking out at Eric.

[Rose] Are you two okay?

[Tinny] I'm fine. I'm more worried for him than for her.

[Rose] Okay, I'll be right there.

(Truck engine)

[Leslie] We're in some kind of warehouse. They're going to come in after us, and we know that they're armed.

(Door slamming)

[Jake] Buddy just left the cab.

[Leslie] What are you doing?

[Jake] What? We gotta get the jump on them.

[Leslie] We don't know where we are or how many people he's got out there.

[Jake] I'm pretty sure there's two of them, okay? And you left one of them back there on the road, which was very, very attractive, how you handled that, by the way.

[Leslie] Oh my God, Jake.

[Jake] Well, I'm just saying.

[Leslie] Oh yeah, the battery's dead. I wonder why with how much you've been calling it.

[Jake] I got no signal neither.

(Banging from outside)

[Leslie] What's going on?

[Jake] It sounds like they're smashing at the lock with a friggin crowbar.

[Male robber] Come on out and you won't get hurt. We just want one of the boxes.

(Banging)

[Jake] Yeah, yeah, yeah, you seem like really nice folks, so I'll get right on that.

[Leslie] They're looking for something specific.

[Jake] They left this behind.

[Leslie] What have you got?

[Jake] Looks like a key for one of those lock boxes. If we can find what it is that they're looking for...

[Leslie] ...We'll have something to bargain with.

Start trying.

[Ziggy] Your son is a douche.

And I hope you know it's not easy for me to say so.

[Mal] He ordered the food, and then what?

[Ziggy] Oh, he booted it after the blonde cop he's got no chance with.

[Mal] So he was with Leslie.

Which way did they go?

[Ziggy] 39.95 and I'll give you a hint.

[Mal] 40 bucks?

[Des] What a rip!

[Ziggy] Hey, the food was 23 even, plus 10 bucks for storage, and an a*t*matic 20 percent gratuity for the trouble. I've gots-ta live, Malachy.

A ha ha. Alright. He chased her down freshwater, like the pathetic fool he is. Oh, don't tell him I said that.

[Customer] Two large fries, please?

[Ziggy] Two?

[Mal] There's Jake's car, and Leslie's.

[Des] Yeah, yeah, that Ziggy says they went the other way.

[Kathleen] It just isn't working, okay? I got enough going on right now. You just have to go.

[Eric] No. I'm not going. I'm not leaving-- (Smash!)

[Eric] Now-- now-- now why are you doing this?

[Rose] Hey! Somebody want to tell me what's going on here?

[Kathleen] Rose, I'm sorry, okay? But Eric's gotta go.

[Tinny] All of a sudden.

[Rose] Okay, everybody just take a deep breath, okay? Somebody tell me what happened.

[Eric] Okay, she just decides that she doesn't want to see me all of a sudden, so now I've gotta leave just like that.

[Kathleen] Eric, stop talking now before I lose my patience.

[Eric] Come on... naw...

[Kathleen] Eric, stop.

[Eric] (Mumbling)

[Kathleen] Eric.

[Rose] Hey Kath, do you need a hand here?

[Kathleen] Yeah.

[Eric] What you don't understand is that I love her. I love her-- (Thud)

[Tinny] Okay, I am outta here.

[Kathleen] Tinny!

[Rose] Eric, listen to me. You can't come back here, or there's going to be some trouble.

[Eric] The thing is that, um, I didn't do anything wrong.

[Rose] I don't care. That's irrelevant information. Go home.

[Rose] Go!

[Kathleen] (Frustrated groan)

[Rose] So, Kath, what the heck was that all about?

[Kathleen] I know, but it's a long, long story. It has nothing to do with Eric. He was just being too drunk and too clingy.

He had to go.

[Rose] Obviously.

[Kathleen] The real problem is much, much worse.

[Rose] You want to tell me about it?

[Leslie] Did you try the other one?

(Banging)

[Jake] Do you want a different answer from the last 14 times that you asked me that?

[Leslie] Jake, you don't need to be a tool.

[Jake] B'ys! Would you give a rest for just five seconds please?

[Leslie] Well, it's nice of them to oblige.

[Female robber] You left me on the side of the road. Are you an idiot?

[Male robber] Well you knew where you were going. And stop calling me an idiot. Seriously.

[Jake] There's definitely two of them. And they're fighting.

[Leslie] We gotta find a way out of here.

[Jake] They must be a couple.

[Leslie] You're so cynical. Give me the key.

[Jake] What?

[Leslie] Give it to me.

[Jake] Suit yourself.

[Female robber] Leave your mask on, idiot. I mean... I mean, idiot!

[Male robber] You know that word messes with my confidence. I told you that before.

[Female robber] Okay, just keep your cool. We need to get them out, and now!

[Leslie] Something in one of these boxes is worth an awful lot to them.

[Jake] Well look at you with the lucky touch.

[Leslie] Yeah, I'm trapped in the back of an armoured van with you, and you think I'm lucky?

[Leslie] This is worth something.

[Jake] Yeah, you should try some of that on. It'd look good on you.

[Jake] Hey, bell-heads! I think we've got what you're looking for.

[Leslie] Yeah, rile them up, why don't you?

[Jake] (Coughing)

We got a serious problem.

[Leslie] What are you?...

[Jake] You don't mind, do you?

[Hood] So why were you moving the boxes? Weren't they safer inside?

[Kenny] Yeah, you'd think so.

But there have been some complaints about items going missing and stuff. Certain customers wanted their belongings moved, so we did, and, you know, I got tasered for the trouble.

[Des] Maybe Jake and Leslie, they just patched things up and just ran away together. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

[Mal] Some reason I doubt that.

[Des] No, but... Jake's got this kind of, like, magnetism. It's almost animal, but with class.

[Mal] Sergeant Hood. You don't happen to know where Leslie Bennett's to?

[Hood] Somewheres buying shoes is my guess.

[Des] That's so sexist, man.

[Hood] Meanwhile, it's left to me to pick up the armoured van robbery two blocks from the last call.

[Mal] Did anyone see anything?

[Hood] What, I gotta report to you now too? Ask the witness yourself.

[Mal] If you don't mind?

[Hood] Fill your boots.

[Des] (Laughing)

[Mal] You mind telling me what happened here? I think my son might have been witness.

[Kenny] Well, it all happened so fast, you know? It was a robbery, I was hurt, but I'll live.

(Phone ringing)

[Des] Right on.

So, uh, so what now?

[Mal] See if you can get access to those security tapes.

[Mal] Rose? Any word from Jake?

[Rose] No. Not yet.

[Mal] Well call around, will you? I'm gonna check out the usual haunts.

[Rose] Mal, are you actually getting worried?

[Mal] I don't know. Something doesn't feel right. I'll buzz you later.

[Mal] Des.

[Des] Hmm?

[Mal] Tapes.

[Des] Yes. Yes. Excuse me.

[Kathleen] Okay. So, back out west. The guy, remember, who was bothering me? Okay. He got freaky.

[Kathleen] Will Andrews. We were dating, and then I found out that he was married. I dumped him and he didn't take it well, so I came back home to get away from him.

[Rose] It's okay, honey. It's okay. Right? Just tell me what you want to do.

[Tinny] Mom. Somebody just slipped this under the door.

[Tinny] What the hell is going on?

[Rose] "You wrecked my life, you tramp. I'm getting even."

[Kathleen] Yeah.

[Rose] Not cool.

[Leslie] (Coughing)

We're only slowing it down.

[Jake] You're right, we gotta get out of here. Here's what we're gonna do, okay?

(Coughing)

You give me your g*n, alright?

I go out sh**ting until you're safe, then you follow me.

[Leslie] Yeah, I'm just going to hand over my service w*apon and hide. That's just so like me, Jake.

[Jake] Alright, fine, fine, okay? Plan b. Alright, you cover me, alright? And then I'll go grab the keys until you get out.

[Leslie] No. I cover you. You hide until I come get you.

Simple.

[Jake] Alright, whatever. If we stay in here, we're gonna die.

Wait... (Kiss)

[Jake] (Coughs) For luck.

[Leslie] Jake... Put my g*n back in the holster. What do you think I am?

[Jake] It was worth a sh*t.

(Coughing)

[Jake] Let's go.

[Male robber] This is starting to get out of hand.

[Female robber] Starting to get out of hand? Look, there is no going back now.

[Male robber] My arms hurt, and I'm sweaty.

[Female robber] Why do your arms hurt?

[Male robber] I don't know. I'm tired!

[Female robber] Oh, for the love...It's just-- just a little longer. They will give up soon.

(g*n sh*ts)

[Leslie] Jake!

[Male robber] Wait!

(g*n sh*ts)

[Female robber] What are you doing?

[Male robber] Wait! Stop running. You wait!

(g*n sh*ts)

[Female robber] Stop!

(g*n sh*ts)

[Jake] Ow! Oh!

(g*n sh*ts)

[Jake] Clear!

(Door slamming)

[Female robber] Stop f*ring!

Idiot! We could have gotten in there!

[Male robber] That's it!

No. Stop calling me an idiot.

It tears me down.

Tears me down!

[Leslie] That was not the plan.

[Jake] Yeah, well, they're not going to be able to smoke us out any more.

[Leslie] What's wrong?

[Jake] Nothing.

[Leslie] What are you being such a baby about your shoulder for?

Let me see.

[Jake] Ah!

[Leslie] Jake, you've been sh*t!

[Jake] No I haven't, no I haven't.

[Leslie] We gotta stop the blood.

[Jake] Yeah.

[Jake] I shoulda got sh*t a long time ago.

[Leslie] Don't get any ideas.

[Jake] Ah! Ah... ah.

[Jake] I think I'm gonna need a bigger bandage. You better take off your pants too.

[Leslie] Hold on Jake. Hold on.

♪ Yeeah ♪

[Jake] You know, you should pocket those. They really would look spectacular on you.

[Leslie] Shh. Lie quiet. You're burning up.

[Jake] Is you shirt still off?

[Leslie] Jake, be good.

(Sparks)

[Jake] What is that noise?

[Leslie] The happy couple's got a new toy.

[Jake] Oh.

[Leslie] Jake, you've lost a lot of blood.

[Jake] That's a blow torch. That might work, unfortunately.

[Leslie] Get back here bucko.

[Jake] Look, if we don't get out of here and they burst through those doors, they're going to pick us off like flies.

[Leslie] You're right. Okay. The good news is I managed to save one b*llet.

[Jake] Then we're going to have to make it count.

[Leslie] What are you thinking?

[Jake] Uh... Who's a better sh*t, you or me?

[Leslie] I'm a three-time all newfoundland best b*llet champion, and you're a private eye who doesn't own a g*n.

[Jake] Okay. I think I've got a plan.

[Des] I did it. I got the security tapes. I did exactly what Jake would do, and it worked. I broke four or five major laws, and dished out two hundred dollars to the girl who works nights at the deposit box place, and I got a copy of the security cameras.

[Mal] Okay. What did you find?

[Des] Nothing.

Well, the robbers had sprayed them all over.

[Mal] Not exactly money well spent, son.

[Des] But, but, but, but, but I went to the Chinese restaurant next door and I got this.

Check it out.

[Des] Oh, by the way, do you think I can get that 200 dollars petty cash? I also picked up some whoppers.

[Mal] Shh. Watch.

[Des] (Laughing)

[Des] Right in the neck. Yes, b'y. That would hurt, actually.

[Mal] Back it up.

Just before.

There.

[Mal] The guard flinched before he was tasered. Either the guard knew the taser was coming--

[Des] Or he has eyes in the back of his head. Which is highly unlikely, I guess.

[Mal] The guard is in on this.

[Des] That's what I meant.

[Mal] Let's go pay him a visit.

[Mal] Nothing from Jake?

[Des] What? Oh no, I was actually checking to see if Chandra called. I mean, not that I'm not worried about Jake, I just I think I might be moving too fast with her. Or maybe too slow. Or maybe I should stop moving all together. I don't know. What do you think?

[Mal] Now is not a good time for that Des. Keep a look out.

See you Saturday.

[Des] What are you gonna do?

[Mal] Just a friendly chat.

[Mal] Hey.

[Kenny] Oh my God! Ah!

[Mal] Come clean now or the arm comes off.

[Kenny] Hey man, I already told you. I have no idea, man.

[Mal] I know you were in on the robbery. Just tell me where they are now.

[Kenny] I don't have any idea!

Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, okay, okay.

The guy paid me off to take a dive. All I know is that they're in a warehouse down by the train museum. That's all I know, man.

[Mal] Des, call Hood. He's gonna want to talk to Kenny here.

[Kenny] Ah!

[Des] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Mal] Forget him. We need to find Jake before Kenny tips off the other robbers. Come on.

[Des] Okay. I... okay.

(g*n cocking)

[Leslie] They're almost through.

I'd say they're about seconds from getting through that door.

[Jake] You ready? You're only gonna get one sh*t at this. Are you sure you don't want me to do it?

[Leslie] Listen, you worry about your job, I'll worry about mine.

Plus, you already owe me for one blouse.

[Leslie] Ready... set...

[Jake] Go!

(g*n sh*t)

(expl*si*n)

[Robbers] Ah!

[Male robber] What is this?

Paint?

[Jake] Take it easy.

(Fighting)

[Leslie] Son of a--

[Male robber] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ah!

[Female robber] I got it! Come on! Let's go!

[Jake] (Groaning)

[Jake] The jewels. You gotta go after them.

[Leslie] I'm not going anywhere.

[Jake] He hit you. I'll k*ll them.

[Leslie] I'm fine. I can take a hit with the best of them, so shut up, okay?

[Jake] Okay.

Police!

Everybody freeze.

(Sirens & commotion)

[Leslie] Jake, hold on.

Bennett, how bad is it?

Get emergency services, now!

(Ambulance siren)

[Leslie] Hey. There you are.

[Jake] Hey.

[Jake] Honestly, I liked it better when you were half naked, but I have to admit that jacket does look good on you.

[Leslie] Sorry. I had to borrow it. How're you doing?

[Jake] Dandy.

So what do you say? Let's get out of here and go track down those jewels.

[Leslie] Yeah, you try to get out of that bed, and I'm going to handcuff you to it.

[Jake] Is that a promise?

[Leslie] Stay put.

[Rose] Hey, how's he doing?

[Leslie] He just woke up. I think he's trying to check himself out.

[Mal] I'll go see how he is.

[Des] Uh, I'll come with you.

(Rose's cell phone ringing)

[Rose] Kathleen?

[Kathleen] Well, is he okay? I mean, is Jake...

[Rose] Yeah, he's fine. It's just a scratch. Listen, um, we need to talk about your friend will Anders.

[Kathleen] Ugh. You know what?

Just tell me he's way back in Calgary dating some other girl who has no idea he's a dead b*at.

[Rose] He's in town.

[Kathleen] What?

[Rose] I found a receipt of him hiring a local cab company.

We've got to do something about this.

[Kathleen] Yeah... uh, wait.

I-- I really don't want dad worrying about anything else, you know, with Jake being in the hospital. So please, please, please don't tell him.

[Rose] Oh course. But we need to meet soon.

[Kathleen] Yeah. Okay.

[Mal] Anything to get a day off.

[Jake] You're supposed to be sad. You know, a few tears would be nice.

[Mal] Walk it off. You'll be fine.

[Jake] Did they catch him?

[Mal] Not yet.

[Des] They had help. It was an inside job.

[Jake] The security guard.

[Mal] Yeah, but put that out of your head and rest. You've been sh*t. And I haven't had a bite to eat all day thanks to somebody. Leave it to the cops.

I'm serious.

And stop getting sh*t.

Oh, for the record, I'm glad you're not dead.

[Des] So did you feel the actual steel, like, slicing through your skin, and your flesh and your muscle never to be totally the same ever again?

[Jake] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, go over there and grab my shirt, quick.

[Des] Sure. Oh, and look, I don't, I don't mean to get blunt with you or anything, but Mal told me not to let you leave this room, and I am not afraid to get physical.

[Jake] I'll keep that in mind.

[Des] Hey, Chandra. Hey.

[Chandra] Hey.

[Des] Uh, you remember my detective partner, Jake Doyle.

[Chandra] Of course.

[Des] Wow. Des, you were totally right. She is spectacularly gorgeous.

[Chandra] Glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humour.

[Des] Ha ha ha ha ha.

Will he walk again?

[Chandra] I think he'll be fine.

He's a real strong, grin and bear it kind. You can't keep guys like that down for long.

I've see his type before.

[Des] So you, you've dated that kind before. I mean, that's the kind of guy you're into. You're into the Alpha male, top dogs, strong, big, Alpha guy who is...

[Chandra] I'll be right back, okay? Um, and you get out of here. Okay? I need to examine him alone.

[Des] Okay. Bye.

[Des] Oh my God, my life is falling apart. First I have a near brush with death, one degree removed, and now Chandra, she's not even into me anymore.

I need to be more assertive. I need to be more Alpha, less beta.

[Jake] You know, you might be right.

Get up. Take off your coat.

[Des] Why? Why? Do you need something?

[Jake] Listen, you want to be a real man, take off your shirt, now.

[Des] That doesn't make any sense to me.

[Jake] Do what I say Des. Take off your shirt.

[Des] Alright, alright. Okay.

Buttons.

[Jake] Hurry. Faster.

[Des] I'm--

[Jake] Go, go, go, go.

[Des] Okay, okay, okay.

Alright. So should... oh!

[Jake] Go get her.

[Des] Chandra!

[Jake] I'm gonna need that jacket back.

[Leslie] Jake!

[Leslie] Jake, what... What are you doing?

[Jake] What? The doc released me. What do you say we go track down a couple of skeets who are robbing some jewelry. Little help here?

[Leslie] You are in no condition.

[Jake] You were worried about me, weren't you?

Did you think I was gonna die?

[Leslie] No.

[Jake] Yes, you did.

Tell the truth.

(Kissing)

[Leslie] What... what is this?

Jake, what are you doing?

What am I doing?

[Jake] Well, technically we're making out in a morgue, which is I guess... I guess it is kind of inappropriate. So what do you say we just, uh, cool it and we take our time, okay?

[Leslie] Alright. But you're not going anywhere but straight to bed.

[Jake] Well, that goes against everything I just said, but if you want to go to bed, that's cool too.

[Leslie] Stop it. I'm serious.

You're not leaving this hospital.

[Jake] Alright. I guess you don't want to know who was in on that job then.

[Leslie] What do you got?

[Jake] Ah ah ah, not so fast.

Not unless we have a deal. Okay?

You do this alone, or you let me in. What do you got?

[Leslie] Nothing really. The jewelry belonged to some old woman who passed away a few weeks ago. That's it.

[Jake] I guess you got a choice to make. Either you commit me or we do this together.

[Leslie] Deal. Spill it.

[Jake] It's an inside job. Can you help me with my coat please?

[Jake] So what do you say we go track down the security guard?

[Roger] Well, we'll have to get a new camera. Or wait, find out what needs to clean it. Yeah.

[Leslie] Excuse me. Do you work here?

[Roger] Yes officer. What can I do for you?

[Jake] We're looking for an employee. His name is Kenny.

[Roger] Kenny? No he's already left for the day. Why are you looking for him?

[Leslie] There seems to be some evidence that he may have participated in the robbery today.

[Roger] No way. Kenny? Most days he's not smart enough to put his socks on right.

[Roger] No, no, no, no. Don't try to clean it yourself.

[Leslie] Hey look. He's got some paint from the expl*si*n.

[Jake] You're telling me this guy is our male robber?

[Roger] So... we all good here?

[Jake] Oh yeah, buddy. We are best kind.

[Roger] Alright.

[Jake] Let's go follow him.

I think I should drive.

[Leslie] Yes b'y. I knows you will.

[Jake] Why can't I drive?

[Leslie] It's my car!

[Barbara] (Laughing)

(Kissing)

[Leslie] Stop! Put your hands in the air!

[Barbara] Oh God. You see? You see? They totally followed you.

[Roger] No they did not. They followed you.

[Barbara] Likely.

[Roger] Tell her. Who did you follow?

[Jake] Who do you think we followed, idiot?

[Leslie] Don't move.

[Barbara] It's not what it looks like.

[Jake] Oh, so you didn't rob a security company then?

[Barbara] No, I did-- I mean, we did. But we had a good reason.

[Roger] Yeah, a very, very good reason.

[Leslie] Turn around, put your hands behind your head.

(Truck approaching)

[Jake] Leslie! Go, go, go!

[Jake] Come here!

(Tires screeching)

[Kenny] You're gonna cut me out of my share, Roger?

[Roger] No!

[Leslie] Put down your w*apon.

[Kenny] Try it and he dies.

Barbara, bring the jewelry and get in the truck.

[Jake] Don't you sh**t me Leslie. I was already sh*t once today.

Ow!

(Tires screeching)

[Roger] Stop! Stop them! You gotta stop them!

[Leslie] Stay where you are!

[Roger] No, you don't understand. I had to do it. We need the money for our child!

♪ Oh yeah ♪

(Police siren)

[Roger] I know it sounds weird, but you gotta understand.

[Leslie] Understand? You pulled a heist.

[Roger] But it was for the right reasons. It was for my child's future.

[Leslie] See that's the problem.

We have no record of you having a kid. No birth certificate, no name.

[Roger] Dirk if it's a boy, and, and, and Jasmine if it's a girl.

[Jake] Your wife's pregnant?

[Roger] No. No, not yet. But that's why we needed the money.

[Jake] Oh.

We should hear him out.

[Roger] I know what we did was wrong, but we didn't have a choice. Okay? Barbara, my wife, she's-- she's wanted a baby for a long time, but I-I have... I have some problems in that area, so...

[Jake] Ah. He sh**t blanks.

[Roger] Not that it makes me any less of a man, but, you know, I need help and it's expensive.

[Leslie] Yeah well, in vitro fertilization can be.

My sister.

[Leslie] So, you and your wife thought that robbing an armored van was the best way to deal with your fertility worries?

[Roger] Well we had to. Because Barbara was running out of time.

She felt it was her last chance, and we needed, we need money fast, so--
[Leslie] So you robbed an armoured van?

[Roger] I couldn’t just open a box and walk out. I would have got caught.

So we cut Kenny in on it. It was kind of his idea.

But now Kenny thinks we were gonna cheat on him out of his share. because you guys showed up so he took Babs and...

[Roger] You gotta get my wife back.

[Leslie] Let's go.

[Leslie] You believing any of that?

[Jake] Well I believe that Roger does.

I mean, obviously he loves his wife that he'd buy any old foolish story that she'd tell him. Either way, there's definitely more going on here, and we gotta track down Barbara and Kenny to get the truth.

[Leslie] Let me see that.

[Leslie] We are not going anywhere.

[Jake] Ow! Leslie, but... oh come on. We were doing so well.

[Leslie] If you die, I'm going to k*ll you. You're getting escorted back to the hospital.

(Rattling)

[Mal] What the hell were you thinking? Can't a father grab a bite without somebody getting in the line of fire?

[Jake] Look, I'm the one that got sh*t, alright? The least I can do is find out what the hell is going on.

[Mal] You stay in that hospital bed. Dodge Des again and I'll skin you.

[Des] So I thought I might drop by later, or maybe not, because I have some exciting, manly things to do. How does that sound?

[Tinny] You're asking me if that's what you should say to Chandra?

[Des] Yeah, yeah. Well, you're a girl, kind of. I mean, what does that sound like to you?

[Tinny] I'm "kind of a girl"?

Des, I don't care what you say to your girlfriend.

Stop calling me!

[Des] No, no, no!

Tinny you are totally a girl!

You are so much a girl!

Tin-- ah!

[Des] She was wondering if-- my shirt looks awesome on you.

[Jake] Des, what do you have on Kenny?

[Des] Me? Nothing. I haven't been working the case at all.

[Jake] Look, I know father told you not to tell me anything, but tell me anyway.

[Des] No. Look-- no.

Yes. Don't put me in the middle of this man-fight, alright?

I suck at tug-of-w*r.

[Jake] Look, I am handcuffed to a hospital bed, okay? At least just humour me. It's what you do for a friend when you visit them in the hospital.

[Des] Friends?

(Clap)

[Des] Really? I-- I knew you felt the same way.

Come here, man.

[Jake] Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Des] Oh, I forgot! I'm sorry.

Here. No, I for--
[Jake] Don't touch me!

Don't touch!

[Des] Okay. I'm sorry. I should have brought a card. I was going to bring a card, but I then I thought that you might think it was presumptuous or something weird like that.

[Jake] Des! Kenny.

[Des] Right. Oh, oh, I got his home addy.

[Jake] Nice. Give it to me.

Yeah, I need a pen.

[Des] What? Why?

[Jake] I need a pen, Des. In case I get a cast, and I'll have to get you to sign in for me.

[Des] Well why would you have-- need a cast?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[Jake] Shh. Okay Des, this is all a part of your training, so I'm gonna need you to relax and embrace the pain.

[Des] It hurts.

[Jake] Embrace the pain, okay?

This is part of your training.

[Des] Okay.

[Jake] Okay?

[Des] Okay.

[Jake] Embrace it?

[Des] It hurts a lot.

[Jake] Yeah? Oh yeah, it does.

There we go. Keep your hand right there.

Okay, right there.

[Des] Ow! No. No, no, no.

[Jake] There you go.

[Des] No! No, no, no!

No! Ow, that's really tight.

Jake, I thought we were friends. We said we were friends. You said we were friends. Tell Mal I fought back, okay? Tell him I fought back?

Where you going? Where you going? Give me back my shirt!

Jake!

[Jake] So Leslie, you want to, uh, get together and solve a robbery or something?

[Leslie] Jake, you got out of those cuffs. You need treatment for that wound, Jake.

[Jake] Look, do you want the address where Kenny's squatting or not? Because I'll only give it to you if you let me come with you.

[Leslie] (Sighs)

[Kathleen] So he's in town?

What's our next move?

[Rose] Well, I'm thinking we should probably go to the police if will sends another one of those letters, or God forbid does something worse.

[Tinny] Mom?

[Kathleen] What's going on?

[Tinny] Turns out will wasn't the one sending you those letters.

[Tammy] I was.

[Kathleen] Oh, oh... okay. Uh... Listen, I swear I had no idea that will was married, and when I did, I ended it.

[Tammy] Yeah. Two months later you did.

[Rose] Okay, you know what? Why don't we just sit down and then talk this through like adults, hey?

[Tammy] You stay away from will!

[Rose] Back off! Okay? You calm down. Now let's just try and think straight here for a second.

[Tinny] Seriously you guys. How friggin old are you?

[Rose] Come on.

[Tinny] Okay, what is it you actually want?

[Tammy] I want a divorce.

He's cheated on me a dozen times.

I'm tired of fighting all you whores off.

[Kathleen] That's it.

[Tinny] Whoa, whoa! Mom!

[Rose] Okay, Kathleen could probably help you with this somehow. Right?

[Tammy] And how it the tramp supposed to do that?

[Kathleen] She's got a point.

Did you just call me a tramp?

[Tammy] Mmm hmm.

[Tinny] Mom... Can you clean up your mess?

Please?

[Kathleen] Okay.

[Kathleen] Okay. You have a lawsuit? I'm guessing here.

[Tammy] Yeah. So? Not that it's any of your business.

[Kathleen] So I have pictures.

I have, um... detailed pictures... That could maybe help you with your lawsuit.

[Tammy] And pick up my bill at the b&b?

Will found out I was racking up charges and cancelled the credit card.

[Kathleen] Okay deal. I'll get you the pictures and you go away and you never come back.

[Tammy] Fine. I will see you in the A.M.

[Tinny] What did you say to her?

[Kathleen] Nothing.

[Rose] Nothing?

[Leslie] You're too much, you know that?

[Jake] Uh, thank you?

[Leslie] Always gotta be the hero, always gotta do it yourself.

[Jake] Look, I just... It could have been you.

[Leslie] What?

[Jake] The b*llet that hit me.

It coulda hit you, and it's not like I'm just gonna lie back and wait while you solve this thing.

[Leslie] Do I need to remind you that I work in law enforcement?

[Jake] This is the one here.

[Leslie] And that I'm one of the top ranked officers in the RNC?

[Jake] Well I-- I know.

[Leslie] Police!

(Smash!)

[Jake] Well that was hot.

[Jake] Well if you want to fight your own battles, this is a perfect on for you. Giv'er.

[Leslie] Uh, sir. You wanna get up, there?

[Kenny] Uh oh.

[Leslie] Where's the jewelry?

Where'd you stash it?

[Kenny] Does it matter?

Nothing matters.

You don't understand, man.

We... we had this thing. We had this plan. It had to do with love. You-- you-- you know the name of that song right?

What's that song?

[Jake] Look, buddy, we're having a bit of a crap day, alright, so just answer the question.

[Kenny] Sorry, sorry.

What was the question?

[Leslie] The jewelry.

Where is it?

[Kenny] Mmm. Barbara took it.

She took the jewelry and everything...
...Along with my heart.

(Crying)

♪Yeeah♪[/i]

[Leslie] So run this for us one more time.

[Kenny] Okay, okay.

So I bring Barbara back to my place, and I'm freaking out because I got a a lot of money in jewelry...
[Jake] 250 K.

[Kenny] Right. And, like, the most beautiful woman in the world.

[Leslie] Barbara?

You and Barbara were...
[Kenny] Yeah, we were seeing each. But like on the down low on account of her husband. But I'm thinking Barbara wakes up and she figures, hey, she wants to be with me, like, full time, but she can't here. But if we the money to start a new life--

[Jake] So you decide to pull this big job and then make Roger your patsy.

[Kenny] Right. But she tells Roger that she needs the cash for making babies or whatever, but in truth she wants the dough that she can run away with me.

[Kenny] You can see I'm just an innocent victim here.

[Leslie] Yeah, well, I think I can put you in jail for something. Let's go.

[Kenny] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'll totally flip. Freedom for information.

Deal?

[Leslie] We'll see about the deal. Do you know where Barbara is?

[Kenny] No idea. But... As you can see, like, it's not my fault. I mean, if all that stuff hadn't of gone missing from the deposit box place, well we wouldn't have been moving anything.

[Jake] Whoa, whoa, whoa. There were other robberies..

[Kenny] Yeah. A couple of people complained. You know, dead people mostly. Their families, like uh, when they came with the will to collect their inheritance.

[Leslie] And who was robbing the stuff?

[Kenny] Roger was using his key to steal from security boxes when the owners d*ed to build his baby-making fund.

[Jake] So what? This was like one big last score?

[Leslie] Where'd he stash the rest of the loot?

[Kenny] Well, I'll tell you where if you, like, you know, give me the deal.

(Banging)

[Leslie] She's really having to work hard for her money today.

[Jake] I almost feel bad for her.

(Slam)

[Jake] There's the bag of loot that her husband must have stole.

[Leslie] Stay where you are or I'll sh**t.

[Leslie] Barbara, drop the bag.

Hands in the air.

(g*n sh*t)

[Leslie] Last chance.

[Leslie] Not a move.

Stay where you are.

[Barbara] No, you can't arrest me. You can't.

I'm pregnant.

[Leslie] Barbara, we know for a fact that Roger is infertile.

[Jake] But Kenny isn't. I think it's time you told us the whole story here.

[Barbara] Roger and I had been trying for over a year with no success, and after a while it... You know, started to be more like work than...

[Leslie] What it should be?

[Barbara] Yeah. And then Kenny came also, and he was fun, and one thing led to another--

[Jake] Whoa, whoa, whoa. You started having sex with Kenny to take your mind off of having sex with Roger?

[Barbara] And the next thing you know--

[Jake] You ended up preggers, hey?

[Barbara] I didn't know what to do, so I panicked and I came up with this stupid idea to rob an armoured van.

[Jake] You know, I'm still not really following your logic here.

[Barbara] I thought if I could get enough money for the in vitro fertilization treatment, then I could trick Roger into thinking the baby was his. But I-- I had to do it quickly, because I'd start showing too soon.

[Leslie] So wait a minute. You thought you could trick Roger into thinking Kenny's baby was his?

[Barbara] Well, I have a 50/50 sh*t, right? I don't know what I was thinking.

[Leslie] You weren't.

[Barbara] What's going to happen to my baby?

(Banging)

[Tinny] Hey.

What's with you?

[Des] Nothing. Nothing.

I'm too tough for problems.

You know that.

[Tinny] Oh.

[Des] I'm screwed. Chandra's totally over me. She saw me handcuffed once and then she saw me naked from the waist up another time.

[Tinny] Really, really don't want to know that Des.

[Des] She's just really, she's just always too busy for me. And then with Jake, with Jake she's like laughing, and she's paying attention to his Alpha pheromones.

[Tinny] Why would you want to be like Uncle Jake? You've seen his relationships. They're train wrecks, right?

[Des] Just give it to me straight. Do you think I should break up with Chandra before she breaks up with me?

[Tinny] Just do something and stop moping around.

Nobody's into that.

[Jake] You sure this is the right thing to do?

[Leslie] She's pregnant, and we have a process for this kind of thing. The hospital is the best place for her and her child right now.

[Roger] Barbara!

Tell me it's not true.

T-- t-- tell me you didn't lie.

[Barbara] I'm sorry. I didn't want you to hate me.

[Roger] No, I love you. And I'll love the baby too, even if it's not mine.

[Leslie] Maybe they should have talked things out.

[Jake] Oh, you know, it's a lot more fun to get into a bit of armed robbery.

[Leslie] Are you okay? You don't look right.

[Jake] I'm, uh, I'm the best... Best kind.

(Crash)

[Leslie] Jake! Can I get some help here!?

Stay there.

♪ Oh yeah ♪

[Chandra] All right, everything checks out, and no more disappearing acts. I'm coming back with a sh*t that'll keep you in this bed 'til next Thursday.

[Mal] Sleep well, son, because I'm gonna m*rder you the first chance I get. Stop being an idiot.

[Jake] That's the plan.

[Mal] Leslie.

[Mal] Thank you.

[Des] Hey. Hi.

[Chandra] Des.

[Des] I was wondering if you're free for dinner tonight.

[Chandra] Yes, Des, I would love to, and I know I've been a terrible girlfriend but--

[Des] Girlfriend? I mean, girlfriend. So it's official.

I-- I mean... girlfriend. Cool.

[Chandra] Maybe we can find some time next week. I just can't leave the hospital right now.

[Des] No, no, no. No. Hey. See you don't have to. I just checked out the vending machine, and I can put together a six-course meal for 7.50.

(Drops coins)

I'll clean that up.

I can put together a six-course meal for 7.50.

Now that's if you count jam jams as appetizers, which of course you would, so, um, I'll just wait here in the lobby until you get a break.

[Chandra] Let's make it the on-call room. More private.

[Des] Okay.

(Kissing)

[Leslie] Barbara and Roger pled to a deal. They copped everything in exchange for Roger being able to see the baby when it's born.

[Jake] The things we do for the people we love.

You and me though... (Clears throat)

I feel like we really made quite the team.

[Leslie] Yeah, I was thinking about us...
...As a team.

[Jake] I don't think I like that tone at all.

[Leslie] Jake, what happened...

Happened. You and me, when we're together, we make a lot of problems for a lot of people.

Mostly me.

[Jake] I was the one who got sh*t.

[Leslie] Exactly. We both know what's best here, and it doesn't involve you and me walking off into the sunset together.

We need to back off.

[Jake] Are you sure about that?

[Leslie] No.

But that's what's gonna happen.

[Jake] Right. Great. Fine.

[Leslie] (Kiss) Good.