Don't, don't, don't... (laughing)
Don't do that, don't do it!
Don't do that, you tickle me.
You made the spray paint come out of my nose.
What, do I have paint on my face?
Dude, look at the moon!
When you see a moon like that, do you ever think... life is so amazing and maybe we shouldn't waste it by just getting high all the time?
I think about how I wish I were a werewolf.
What would you do if you were a werewolf?
Get high all the time.
(man panting, yelling)
Where'd that come from?
(growling, man screaming)
Did that just happen?
Hey. Hey, hey.
Whoa, dude. Dude, are you okay?
Yeah, I think so.
Dude, are you okay?
Dude, he just said that he was.
No, not this dude.
I don't think that... that dude's okay.
Mulder... what are you doing to my poster?
Scully, since we've been away, much of the "unexplained" has been explained.
The "Death Valley Racetrack"?
Turns out it was just ice formations, moving the rocks around as it melted.
Humility prevents me from recounting how I once thought it had something to do with a series of mysterious sightings of a rock-like creature in Colorado... which turned out to just be a publicity stunt by a local landscaping business.
It's amazing, going through these archives with fresh-- if not wiser-- eyes, how many of these cases, whether it's "The Amarillo Armadillo Man" or "The Hairy Whatzit of Walla Walla" ... can be explained away as fraternity pranks, practical jokes or people making stuff up simply because they're bored and/or crazy.
And if that doesn't explain it, well, then it was probably just ice.
Mulder, have you been taking your meds?
Scully, Charles Fort spent his entire life researching natural and scientific anomalies, which he published in four books, all of which I know by heart.
And at the end of his life, Fort himself wondered if it hadn't all been a waste.
I get it.
I'm a middle-aged man, Scully-- no, I am, I am.
I'm thinking maybe it's time to put away childish things-- the Sasquatches and mothmen and... jackalopes.
I thought it'd be great to get back to work.
But is this really how I want to spend the rest of my days?
Chasing after monsters?
We've been given another case, Mulder.
It has a monster in it.
One witness claimed that the creature had three eyes and the other one, one.
Notice they didn't get a picture of it, which is odd, because everybody always has a camera on them these days.
You want to talk to these witnesses while we're here?
Anyway, this is the area where they say they saw the creature attacking the animal control officer, even though he claims to not have seen whatever it was that was attacking him.
Of course not.
Mountain lions always attack from behind.
He was out here responding to a call about a mountain lion.
It was a mountain lion!
That's what killed the other victim, too.
Well, that is what the local authorities thought, until they did a search the next morning and they found this area over here, where they found three more victims.
Grey wolves, Scully.
They've made a comeback in this region.
Wolves take their prey back to a lair.
Well, they were all mutilated in exactly the same manner.
However, the third victim wasn't wearing any clothes.
Maybe he was a nudist.
Took a midnight hike in the nude, got attacked by a wolf or a lion or a bear.
Maybe all at the same time.
That's how I'd like to go out.
The uniqueness of the wounds, Mulder, implies a human element.
Aw, Scully, I gave up profiling before I gave up monsters.
You've seen one serial killer, you've seen 'em all.
Mulder, I can see that you're going through a questioning phase of some sort, but people have been killed here.
And if we can help stop that and save some lives, I think that is a... unquestionably worthwhile thing for us to do, regardless of whether the thing we find is animal or human or... otherwise.
When you put it that way...
But mark my words, Scully-- when we catch whatever is doing these killings... it's only going to have two eyes.
Woman: You want to party?
Oh, come on... there's a full moon out.
Let's get freaky, baby.
Two for the price of one.
Or a solo...
You cheap bastards.
Looks like you gave it a pretty good shot.
I think I hit it right in its horn.
It had a horn?
Like a... unicorn?
It had horns.
At the back of its head, like a lizard or something.
Did it look anything like this?
The thing I saw only had two eyes.
And it was wearing underwear.
Boxers or briefs?
Same kind I used to wear.
I transitioned last year.
Did you see which way it headed?
I told the officers it slithered off that way, but they think I'm on crack.
(trying to whistle)
Mulder: Any sign of anything?
Sneak up on a guy like that.
Hey, aren't you the officer who was attacked the other night?
That was me.
So do you have any idea what kind of animal this woman might have seen this evening?
I got a call earlier about a stray puppy running around.
I'm sort of hoping it's just that, 'cause I can handle cats and dogs.
Anything bigger than that, and I really start to question my....
No, my life.
What are you doing?
If this thing looks like what people say it looks like, I'm gonna get a good picture of it.
If this thing looks like those drawings, I'm emptying my clip into it.
Even if it is in its underwear.
Ah, it's this new camera app.
I'm not sure if it's working right.
What is that?
It's a fresh kill.
I heard a noise over there, so I ran over here!
What is up with your phone?
I don't know, it's this new app.
I don't know if it's working right.
Are you taking picture or video?
I don't know.
Go to Settings.
Go to the settings...
No, I'm okay.
You've got blood on you.
I don't think it's mine.
Okay, that's it.
Did you get a good look at it?
I got a picture.
A bit of privacy, please.
Have you seen a...?
That's its ear.
Or maybe... maybe it's a foot.
This one... if you squint, looks like... something.
And then this...
That's... that's in focus!
But what is it?
It's a close-up.
Of the creature.
Now, mind you, I didn't say "monster."
And it wasn't a Sasquatch.
But it was definitely an animal... man-sized and hairless.
Maybe it was a mangy Sasquatch.
Ah. Hey. You're overlooking the video.
Mulder, you've got the lens pointed the wrong way.
Yeah, it's the new camera app.
It shot blood at me.
From out its eyeball, Scully-- I think.
It was hard for me to see, because I had blood in my eyes.
I haven't done the blood analysis yet, but it's probably residue from the prior attack on this victim.
And animals don't shoot blood out of their eyeballs.
Well, tell that to the horned lizard.
Which shoots blood out its eyeball, Scully, yes.
It's a defense mechanism.
Mulder, the Internet is not good for you.
Doesn't this bear a resemblance to what witnesses claim they saw?
What, so now you're saying that you were attacked by a six-foot horny toad?
Whoa. Let's just keep this within the realm of the natural sciences, shall we?
My initial exam of the bite marks on this wound would suggest that they were made by a human being.
So we're looking for a man-sized horned lizard with human teeth.
Sounds a bit silly, doesn't it?
You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you, Scully?
I forgot how much fun these cases could be.
It's been a long day, Mulder.
Why don't you go back to the hotel and get some sleep?
And try not to dream about monsters.
(insects trilling, wolf howls)
Man: Aah! Monster!
Help me! It's a monster!
Everything okay in here?
I apologize for the disturbance.
Just an argument with an unruly guest.
Now, please, go back to your room.
I heard someone yell "Monster!"
That's what he had the nerve to call me, just because I asked him to pay his overdue bill.
Does that make me some kind of a monster?
Of course not.
Now, please go away or I'll kill you.
Oh, hello again.
Just looking for the ice machine.
Hey. W-What the hell were you...?
That's private back there.
You're not supposed to be...
That's a security feature.
I had it put in after 9/11.
I'm not gonna report you.
When one checks into an establishment such as this, one expects the manager to be a Peeping Tom.
But I do harbor suspicions that you saw something in that trashed room that greatly disturbed you.
You mind telling me what that was?
You're, uh... you're not gonna believe it.
Yeah... (mumbling happily)
Man: Every day it's the same thing!
I hate you!
I can't go on like this!
I'm going insane having to look at you every day!
That's going on his bill.
And you! You b*st*rd...
You are not waking me up again tomorrow.
Do you understand?!
I'm sick of it!
It's happening again.
Let this be the last time.
Now you can't see...
Help me! It's a...
Is this the creature that you saw?
But with two eyes?
That's exactly it.
And is this the man?
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
They're one and the same.
It's a monster, Scully, plain and simple.
And not just your everyday, run-of-the-mill monster, but we're talking transformation here.
Man into monster and back again.
To which I know you're going to say--
"But, Mulder, that only happens in werewolf myths that were originally concocted to explain away the violent behavior of people who'd been bitten by rabid animals, before the medical discovery of rabies."
But is it so outlandish to believe that some legends are based on actual occurrences and not just ignorance?
To which I know what you're going to say, Scully, you're going to say, "But, Mulder, it defies every known law of science and nature."
Exactly, Scully-- every known law.
What if this creature that we've stumbled upon is here to create a whole new paradigm for our understanding of life itself?
Or maybe science was used to create this "unnatural" being.
Maybe this is some GMO experiment run amok by some military-agro-big-pharma corporation.
Maybe this guy is its chief geneticist, who recklessly experimented on himself and now transforms into a fiend who needs to feast on human flesh.
To which I know you're going to say--
"But, Mulder, that sounds like the paranoid ravings of some lunatic madman."
I don't know what this thing is, Scully, and I don't know exactly how it came to be, I just...
All I'm saying is, it's a monster.
Yeah, this is how I like my Mulder.
So you're agreeing with me?
You're batcrap crazy!
But what about the facts?
This guy-- who the manager just saw turn into a monster-- was wearing the clothes of one of our victims, which we did not notice at the time, because we thought we were looking for an animal.
Turns out we were only half right.
Yeah, okay. Well, we need to talk to this guy.
Well, I doubt he's coming back to his room.
I did retrieve some personal items from it, though, that might help us track him down.
Well, that sounds like a good investigative plan.
The first thing we need to do, though... check out of this motel.
Once upon a time, there was a village that was being tormented by a man-eating lizard-dragon.
The local constable did everything to try to kill this creature, but nothing could stop it.
So, finally, he visits a gypsy, who tells him the only way to kill this monster is to stab it in its appendix with a lance made of green glass.
Wh... why the green glass?
And why the appendix?
Who the hell knows?
In these old fairy tales, the monster must always be destroyed by some form of penetration-- a silver bullet, a wooden stake-- obviously, our ancestors were as obsessed with impotency as we are, eh?
So, he fashions a lance of green glass and stabs the monster in its appendix.
But as the monster is dying, the constable realizes he's been looking in the mirror.
He was the monster all along, you see?
The moral being...?
It's easier to believe in monsters out there in the world than to accept that the real monsters dwell within us here... and sometimes here.
Maybe sometimes here. (chuckles)
Not everything can be reduced to psychology.
That's what you think.
At any rate, I was reminded of this tale because of your suspect's delusion that when the moon appears, he would turn into a werewolf.
I'm sorry. I meant "were-lizard."
The werewolf was my patient on Monday.
At any event, I prescribed for him this antipsychotic, but I doubt it did him much good.
He seemed pretty crazy.
Your, uh, records don't provide much information, and I'm assuming that Guy Mann is not a real name.
Do you have any idea of how I might find him?
I recommended, the next time he felt an episode coming on, that he go for a quiet stroll in the local cemetery.
A reminder that no matter how overwhelming our anxieties might be, they will soon be resolved, when we are dead and buried for all eternity.
Do you really think that's sound therapeutic advice?
It's what I do.
Thank you, Doctor.
Uh... a moment.
A prescription... for yourself.
Perhaps I've read you wrong, Mr. Mulder, but I wonder-- who is in more need of an antipsychotic, a man who believes himself to be a were-lizard or a man who believes that man? Hmm?
Mulder, it's me.
I can't believe I'm about to say what I'm about to say, but...
I think I just found your horny toad lizard man.
Where are you?
At the phone store by the motel.
I think he works here.
I'll be right there.
But, Mulder, I just got an e-mail with the lab results, the blood tests from yesterday, and there are some discrepancies.
Welcome to Smart Phones Is Us.
How may I help?
I'm wondering if I can ask you some questions.
What the hell happened?
I don't know.
I came in and I asked him if I could ask him some questions, and he suddenly yelled, "I quit" and he went on a rampage.
He fled out the back through the stockroom.
What are you doing?
You know it's not safe to approach a dangerous suspect without backup.
Which way did he go?
He went that way, down the back alley.
But, Mulder, I got the results back from the lab, and...
Did you lose somebody recently?
I know this sounds weird, but... until a few days ago, I didn't know we die.
I mean, I always knew we could die, I instinctively knew to avoid death, but what I didn't know is... no matter what we do, eventually you end up in a place like this.
It doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense, does it?
It doesn't make any sense.
Nothing makes sense.
I don't mean to intrude, but you seem to have something weighing heavily on you.
It might help to get it off your chest.
You mean... to confess?
If you have something to confess.
Well, I confess that... if life is nonsense...
I just want this madness to end.
But you're not thinking of doing anything crazy, are you?
I'm just gonna... kill you.
No, not the gun, you fool!
Oh, no! I've lost my weapon!
Come on, defend yourself!
I know what you're trying to do.
The green glass, the appendix.
But I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna kill you.
I want to help you.
The only way you can help me, mister, is... by killing me.
Just put me out of my misery.
I'll do it.
I'll kill you.
You're, like, the only nice person I've ever met!
But first I want to hear how this happened to you.
The whole story.
But you're gonna need this.
It's a shocker.
I'm confused already.
You said you were going to start at the beginning.
That's how the whole thing started.
I should have stayed still, but I panicked.
I tried to scare off that predator.
Of course, that only made him more rabid.
I didn't even get a chance to shoot blood out of my eyeballs.
So you're saying a man bit you?
That looks like a hickey.
Well, it looks different when I'm normal.
Is this what you look like when you're "normal"?
But yeah, that's actually quite close.
So wh... when did you... first transform?
Oh, that didn't happen till the next morning.
My transformation wasn't just physical but mental. I heard a voice in my head. My voice. I became conscious of my own self-consciousness and then I had my very first thought-- "I'm naked!" I became overcome by some irrational need to cover up. For some unknown reason, there was a bunch of dead bodies lying around. Now, I had never worn clothes before, but through some primordial instinct, I... I knew how to put them on. Once clothed, I became... possessed. I fought against it as much as I could, but I lost control. I had to go on a hunt. I had to hunt down a... a...
A human victim?
No, a job.
My craze wouldn't be satiated until I found steady work.
So I walked straight into town and rather tragically I...
I found something right away.
Now, this model comes with 3,000 gigabertz of pixelbitz...
It's perfect for me. I have no idea what I'm saying, and neither do my customers.
You can see from the shape of it that it's quite rectangular...
By the end of the day, I was the manager.
Putting aside the logistics of no Social Security number, no references...
I don't need any of that stuff.
You see, now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over other animals-- the ability to BS my way through anything.
I mean, it's better than camouflage!
You wouldn't happen to be, uh, BSing me right now about all this, would you?
I don't know. Maybe.
I don't understand half the things I'm telling you.
I find that... disconcerting.
What's even more disturbing is what I did after work that first day.
I was so exhausted, out of my mind, I...
I committed a murder.
Who did you kill?
I'd like a double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.
Clerk: Sir, if you're not in a car, you have to come inside to order.
In your natural state, you're a vegetarian?
No, an insectivore.
But no one likes insects, not even other insects.
Anyway, I-I took my kill, checked into a motel, and then I just spent the rest of the day helplessly watching... p0rn.
(p0rn music playing)
But then, sometime during the night, a change occurred.
(TV shuts off)
Yeah, all right!
I'm back, baby!
I was myself again. And everything was fine... until the next morning.
(snoring, alarm ringing)
Alas, I was human again. I went back to work. But now that I had a job, all I could think about was how much I hated my job.
Oh, that's it. I quit!
But I was too overcome with human fear to quit. How would I pay my bills? Without a job, I'd-I'd never get a loan and start a mortgage, whatever that is. Already I was terrified I wasn't saving enough for my retirement.
And what else was I supposed to do?
If I haven't written my novel by now, I'm never going to write it, you know?
I just couldn't go on.
So I... I visited a witch doctor.
But the medicine he gave me didn't cure me, it just clouded my thoughts.
And as a result, I...
I did something insane.
You attacked and killed someone?
No, I got a puppy!
I named him Daggoo.
And I quickly realized that the only way to be happy as a human was to spend all of your time in the company of non-humans.
We played all through the night. But the next day, when I came home from work...
Daggoo, I'm home!
...well, I guess the maid must have accidentally let him out.
I searched everywhere. All night long. But it was hopeless.
Because life's hopeless. A few fleeting moments of happiness, surrounded by crushing loss and grief.
Just when I'd given up the search...
I saw him.
No, the man who had bit me and turned me into a human.
Just catching sight of that son of a bitch made me even more human, because I was filled with the one thing that only humans can understand-- revenge. I got up and I stalked after him.
I just wanted to...
Strangle him and eat his flesh?
Now we're getting somewhere.
But just as I was about to do that...
I saw him do the same thing to someone else.
(man grunts, yells)
I'd never seen such pointless brutality. I was so transfixed by the horror that I didn't notice the moon had come out. But having caught a glimpse of what human nature was capable of, I wanted no more part of it. I decided to shed my clothes and return to the wild!
Man, she hit like a man.
That's because she used to be... uh, she once...
You can't transform into a different s*x!
It's not nuts.
It's actually a very common medical procedure.
You don't need the surgery, technically...
Maybe that's what I could do!
It's a cure!
Well, I've got to stop transforming.
I'll do the surgery.
I don't care how much it costs, I'll do it.
They cut off your genitals.
Nah, I'll leave it.
That's... that's a step too far, isn't it?
Well, anyway, I think she gave me a concussion.
Rest of the night's pretty foggy.
Some people chased me around a truck, and a man took a picture of me in the Porta Potti.
That was me, actually.
I thought I recognized you!
But wait... how could you have changed back into a man?
It wasn't morning yet.
I don't know how it works. I'm not a scientist.
I'm just looking for some kind of internal logic.
There isn't an external logic to any of it.
I mean, I went back to the motel, and a jackalope head on the wall started screaming at me.
And I'm creeped out by jackalopes, ever since a friend of mine got gored by one.
Jackalopes aren't real.
They-they were a hoax perpetrated by a Wyoming taxidermist in 1932.
They... they don't exist.
Well, I'd like to see you explain that to my dead friend, George!
Anyway, I fled the motel, turned into a human again the next morning and went into work.
Welcome to Smart Phones Is Us.
How may I help?
I'm wondering if I can ask you some questions.
I think maybe my phone isn't working right, 'cause guys don't send me pictures of their junk on it.
I think maybe I'd like to... take a picture of yours.
(p0rn music playing)
I want to make you say "cheese."
(Scully gasping, moaning in pleasure)
You're an animal!
This feels good!
Oh, don't stop!
That... did not happen.
I know it's hard to believe, but apparently I'm terrific in the sack.
You made that up.
Oh... all right, you got me.
Ever since I became a human, I can't help but lie about my s*x life.
But that's the only untruthful bit in the whole story.
So please... will you kill me now?
You don't believe me, do you?
I thought I was going to believe you, but it's all... it's just too... fantastic.
It's not fantastic.
No, I mean it's just... silly.
That's my life you're talking about.
It's my life, too.
You and me, we're the same, Guy.
We both want to believe in things that aren't real or even possible.
"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, than are dreamt of in..."
"...your philosophy." I know that.
Ah, but did you know the First Folio version reads--
"than are dreamt of in our philosophy"?
So Hamlet is not just calling Horatio an ignorant idiot, he's calling us all ignorant idiots?
It's a comforting thought, isn't it?
Because if there's nothing more to life than what we already know, then there's nothing but... worries, self-doubt, regret and loneliness.
Foxman, you've got to put me out of my misery!
I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to go to work!
What the hell's this?
You're the fuzz?
I'm in town investigating the murders.
And you think I'd do something like that?
What kind of a monster do you think I am?
You didn't want to help me, you just wanted to arrest me for something I didn't do.
Who takes advantage of someone like that?
A human, that's who.
Human rat fink!
I'm not delusional.
I know what I am.
I'm no monster.
You're the monster!
J'accuse Monsieur Mulder!
Run for your lives!
There's a monster!
(theme song ringtone playing)
Hey, Mulder, where have you been?
I fell off the wagon, Scully.
I got a little taste of my old monster-hunting ways and then I downed the whole bottle.
I take it you found your were-lizard?
Yeah, it turns out it wasn't a man who turns into a lizard, it was a lizard who turns into a man.
I don't see the difference.
That's the point, Scully, there is no difference.
Both scenarios are equally foolish.
And I was foolish to believe... well, maybe I was just a fool, Scully.
Maybe I always have been.
Where are you?
I'm at the animal shelter.
I'm waiting to see that animal control officer.
So he didn't quit after all, huh?
No, I guess maybe he's like us.
Some jobs keep pulling you back.
What was that? What happened?
This little puppy here just tried to take a bite out of me.
He's a cute little guy, though.
Kind of reminds me of Queequeg.
You know, there was a recent comparative cognition study that showed that dogs hold hostilities toward people that harm their masters?
I mean, I guess maybe I miss having a dog to love...
...and someone to hold my grudges for me.
This is Agent Mulder with the FBI.
I need emergency backup to the animal control shelter.
And where the hell is the animal control shelter?
(indistinct radio transmission)
You missed all the fun.
Are you okay?
Yeah, but I hate to disappoint you.
It wasn't some monster running around, killing people and eating their flesh; it was a normal human being.
Did you know it was him before coming here?
That one autopsy result showed that the actual cause of death was strangulation.
And so, on a hunch, I analyzed the pole that he left behind, and there was tissue and blood from previous victims.
It all started when I was a child... this uncontrollable urge to torture small animals.
As I got older, my compulsion didn't vanish...
Okay, all right. Leave it for the trial.
You're right, Mulder-- you've seen one serial killer, you've seen them all.
But I have a whole speech prepared that I...
(dog barking, chicken clucking)
Scully, that is the second time you've approached a dangerous suspect without backup.
What's going on?
Thought maybe you'd want some more quality time with your lizard man.
Besides, you forget-- I'm immortal.
Mulder, how did you figure out it was him?
Oh, I was going over those photos I took and I realized one was of a bite mark, so if Guy's story were true, it means he must have been bitten by...
If Guy's story were true?
You want to come home with me?
(birds singing, insects trilling)
We caught the killer.
So... for a while there, I thought maybe it was you.
Well, thanks... I guess.
It means that I... I know now... you were telling the truth.
Sounds like you're still unsure.
Well, you have to admit, it's, uh... it's a little absurd.
A little bit absurd?
It's a lot absurd.
I mean, look at this thing.
Whose genius idea was it to tie a piece of cloth around your neck?
It's waiting to strangle you.
Do you want a hat?
What are you doing?
This is the time for my kind to go into hibernation.
I'm hoping I won't turn into a human again during it, and maybe when I wake up again, I will have slept off this whole transformation thing.
I didn't know that, uh, reptiles hibernated.
Whoa. I'm not a reptile.
How-how long do you hibernate for?
Well, I never really did get the hang of human constructs of time.
Let me see...
Uh, lunar cycles, you got four of those, then you got your seasons, just...
That's... not possible.
There you go again, not believing me!
I want to believe.
I don't mean to get too personal, but...
...this has been a real trying time for me.
I've been through a lot.
But just having someone like you to...
Look, what I'm trying to say is...
I'm glad to have met you.