01x09 - But At Last Came A Knock

[bunniefuu]

Oh, man, you guys missed a great party last week.

(coughs)

Say hello to your new foster family, Ethel.

You're one of five wives?

Married to a dude named Clyde? Who's 65 years old?

Would it be all right if my son Jonah came to visit?

Keep laughing, and I will slit your throat while you sleep.

LINDA: Shoplifting is out of hand.

Did Mickey pay for that?

You have to stand up to him.

KASH: Tried that once with his father.

Now hold it like you want to do something with it.

Mickey? Again? What was I supposed to do, sh**t him over a cup of soup?

No touching the forbidden fruit until I'm knocked up.

IAN: Slept with someone.

Not cash.

Guess this was like a booty call, huh?

Yes.

DEBBIE: Steve got a text from Candace.

Is he dating someone else?

(yells)

Who the f*ck is Candace?

We work together. That's all.

I'm home. Little brother!

Hey, you.

Mmm.

♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so... ♪
♪ Sure of? ♪

DEBBIE: Okay, but you got to promise.

Okay, I promise... I won't tell Fiona.

Now, whose house is this?

I'm not sure.

VERONICA: What the hell are we doing here?

Trying to find out if Steve's cheating.

What?

Tell me that's not a woman's car parked out front.

Fiona's a big girl.

Fiona takes care of everyone, but no one takes care of Fiona.

Is this about Candace?

Because Fiona knows about Candace.

She wouldn't do anything; too proud.

So we have to.

You're a sweet kid, Debs.

(dance music throbbing)

Did you purposefully order a "Sex on the Beach" just so I'd say it to the gay bartender?

Maybe. Maybe I was hoping you'd actually take me away someplace so we could have sex on a beach.

I could barely get you overnight in a local hotel.

Well, that was then; this is now.

I just feel like I haven't seen a lot of you lately.

You-you mean that you'd like to see more of me?

Yes, I guess that's what I'm saying.

Usually by this time in a relationship, the guy starts just showing up for late-night booty calls or wants me to meet his mother.

Either way, I start looking for reasons to walk.

Well, my mom is in Michigan, so you don't have to worry.

I think that's the first time you've ever mentioned your family.

Really?

Not much to say.

I mean... they live in Michigan.

The whole state? No, near Detroit.

Dad used to work for GM, so I try to send back what I can to help.

Family business... he builds 'em, you steal 'em.

Come on, let's dance.

Come on.

(door opens)

Liam is officially asleep.

That was fast. Yeah, well, three pages from Deb's Eat, Pray, Love and he's out.

(laughs)

And if James Franco wasn't in the movie, I would've nodded off, too.

(chuckles)

Have you got any cash you can float me?

Florence & the Machine are playing down at the Chicago Theater.

I really want to take Karen for her birthday.

Pricey gift.

You think it's getting serious?

f*ck off. She's my best friend.

(laughs)

Okay? You know I'd never spend that kind of cash on a girl, anyway.

All right, well, I got a Hamilton, and it's yours.

Thanks, man.

(Liam crying)

BOTH: One, two, three.

(clicks tongue)

ETHEL: God bless Jonah, my sweet baby boy.

And God bless my husband Clyde.

May those who are caring for him remind him to take his blood pressure supplement and his Glucosamine/Chondroitin supplement... so that he can bend down to pick up our child.

And God bless the other wives, who are probably on their knees right now asking you to bless me... Separated from her kid?

That's got to suck.

Hopefully, the visit with him tomorrow will cheer her up.

I'm kind of excited about it.

Having a full house... two kids.

Don't get too excited.

It's only temporary.

Temporary, Kevin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Are you gonna put those in my ass?

'Cause I'm not even gonna feel it. They're earplugs, babe.

And they're for her.

Oh, good, 'cause that would've sucked, trying to fish those out.

(laughs)

(both groan)

Hey... hey...

Wakey, wakey, Jackie Chan.

(groans)

Who the f*ck are you?

I'm Frank.

(groans)

Did we...?

(chuckles)

Aw, now... now...

(crying)

Chins up.

(gasps, groans)

KAREN: f*ck off.

How'd you know it was me?

I was talking to my Promisemakers group, and...

I want you to know that I understand that so much of your bad behavior is my responsibility.

If you leave a dog in the house alone for more than eight hours, you can't get mad at him for peeing the rug, right?

I found this... in an album in the basement.

I don't know... maybe we can try to... capture more moments like these together.

(blow dryer whirring)

Why is it that I feel like you can't get away from me fast enough?

(gasps, laughs)

Because you're paranoid!

Hey, whatever happened to that computer class you were gonna take? They cancelled it.

Not enough people, I guess.

Liam's gonna be up in a second.

I got to get him fed and dressed and to the clinic for some sh*ts.

Don't tell Jenny McCarthy.

Hey, Debs.

Steve.

Liam up yet?

Squawkin' a little.

So, everything cool with, uh, with you and Steve?

What? Why?

No reason... I'm just checking in.

(sighs)

Hi, baby bottoms!

Did you have sweet dreams?

I thought I was baby bottoms. No.

I said you have a baby bottom.

Mm, I swore I would never date a guy whose ass was smaller than mine, but I seem to be breaking a lot of my own rules lately, don't I?

Don't I? He's assuming that was rhetorical.

Hey, you want to come by tonight after Liam's down?

V gave me a copy of Queen of Outer Space.

Zsa Zsa Gabor at her finest.

We could watch it... and not watch it. I don't think I can swing it. I gotta go to work. Okay.

Mm... ah.

Hey, Steve!

Debs, breakfast? I'm good.

Breakfast! Hey, Steve, can I get a ride to the library?

Motorcycle; no can do.

When did you get motorcycle? Always had one.

I guess there's a lot I don't know about you. Truth?

I'm in the CIA, and this is all just a cover.

Any calls, Kate?

Yeah, actually, some A-hole was looking for you.

Left this number.

Hand me the phone, will ya?

Your tab is bigger than my ass, and you smell like kimchi and vomit.

Now, stop that.

Your ass looks great.

Like you in the sack, make it quick.

I wasn't quick, I was just busy that day. (scoffs)

WOMAN: Hello.

(womanly): Yes. I have Frank Gallagher calling.

WOMAN: Hey, Frankie. Got great news.

Who-who... who the f*ck is this?

Your settlement is in.

Yeah! Which one?

Come see me, I'll give you the 411.

(laughing)

Hey, everybody! Next round's on me!

(laughs)

DEBBIE: Kev? Veronica?

Didn't you just clean that yesterday?

Child Protective Services is bring my baby Jonah for a visit.

Everything has to be just so.

You're so lucky you have a baby.

How old are you? Ten and a quarter.

Two more years, and you'll be old enough to start trying.

Does it hurt?

Sexual relations or childbirth?

Both.

Yes.

LIP (gasping): Oh, f*ck!

KAREN: He's such a douche bag.

He's on this whole father- daughter Purity Ball kick.

(both moaning, gasping)

KAREN: He wants me to take a vow of celibacy so we can rekindle our father-daughter relationship.

LIP: Maybe we could not... talk about your father right now.

KAREN: Not what you had in mind for dirty talk.

LIP: Oh! Not exactly.

(moaning)

KAREN (laughs): Oh, f*ck!

Oh, sh*t!

LIP: Oh, shh, Carl's right outside. Shh. KAREN: Oh, f*ck!

Oh, f*ck!

KAREN: Oh, sh*t!

(Lip and Karen moaning, gasping loudly)

LIP: Oh, sh*t! KAREN: Keep going! Oh...!

(both yell)

Yes? Shatterproof, my ass!

(both sigh with satisfaction)

(kiss)

(Karen moans, Lip exhales)

(Lip sighing)

Want to go to the planetarium tonight and get high?

(panting)

I can't. I'm busy.

Doing what? Danielle?

The less you know, the better.

Are we still on for Friday night?

Yeah.

Can you give me a hint?

Yeah, but... I'm not gonna.

(Lip sighs)

Aha.

Crucial Confrontations.

Haven't seen you here in a while.

Been kind of busy, Simon.

I got a signed first edition of Harry Potter.

Overrated. Made a better movie than a book.

And now with all those kid actors grown up, they're scarier looking than the villains.

Hey, can you help me on the computers?

What do you want to do?

Dig up some dirt.

Name.

Steve... W-W-Wilson?

Wilton? You kind of need to know what the name is before you can look it up.

Try Wilton, in Lake Forest.

There are zero in Illinois, but there are 15 of them nationwide.

Can you do it backwards?

Notliw? No. I mean, if I give you an address, can you work from there?

Hey, um, maybe sometime we could just casually hang out.

Fine. Fine, yes, we can casually hang out.

1055 North Ave.

It says the property owners are Lloyd and Candace Lishman.

Hello, Ms. D-lish.

Cool, then we can, uh, hang out sometime?

We just did.

(coins rattling)

She opened an ING Direct Savings account.

I haven't kept any large bills in there for months.

Believe me, I've looked. Do you know where she is?

No idea. How much you need? I've got to buy concert tickets. Yikes. Wish I had it.

Maybe you should take Mrs. Niedereiter up on her offer.

Well, that should do it, Mrs. Niedereiter.

There are a lot of dark corners around my house that could use some attention, Phillip.

Thanks for the idea. You're not seriously gonna do it?

Well, no, but... I could smash her birdhouse again.

Hey... what do you think of Steve?

Ass is kind of small; not really my type.

You about to retreat and count your wounded?

No.

Just... just want to know if I should trust him.

That's like asking if you should believe in God.

(knocking on door)

Just be yourself.

Okay.

(knocking continues)

Okay. Here we go.

Hi. Come in.

ETHEL: Jonah, baby! Mama missed you so much!

(quietly, gently): Hi, baby. Hi.

Good afternoon.

I'm Kev.

Mm-hmm. This is my wife, Veronica.

Hello. Good afternoon.

How you doing?

I'm Andrea Johnson from DCFS, and I'm here to observe the home visit today.

So if everything go good, then Baby Jonah may stay overnight.

Is your voice dressed up for Halloween?

Excuse me?

Think we don't know how to... raise a child?

Come to tell me I don't know how to be a mother.

Uh, you got it wrong, sister girl.

I'm here to see how Ethel mothers, not you.

What do you mean? Oh, please, have a seat.

That girl's only 13 years old, but she's still got her parental rights.

I need to make sure the child can handle a child, you feel me?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I feel you.

Mm.

(sighs)

Oh! Baby Jonah!

Look at you!

You're hung like a little bear, aren't you?

Hey, Andrea?

An-dray-ah. An-dray-ah.

You think we could apply to get Baby Jonah as a foster kid, too?

That's gonna be a crap-load of paperwork for me, but we do encourage keeping family members together.

(quietly): Yay!

(footsteps approaching)

All right, then, uh, Eddie's just down in the basement.

He'll be right up.

And, of course, you will all get your shoes back when you go, so don't worry.

It'd be great if mine came back shined.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho...!

(laughter)

That would be great!

(knocking on door)

Ah, but at last came a knock, and I thought of the door with no lock to lock.

Robert Frost... I was a poetry major in college.

SHEILA: Oh, sweetie. Okay, open your Bibles to Psalms 127, SHEILA: Okay, uh... verses three to five.

Okay.

You guys are all... okay.

(laughs) Oh, sweetie...

(chuckles)

Oh!

Oh, you are ripe!

Oh, nothing a little Puerto Rican bath can't fix.

(laughing): Oh... honey.

Where were you last night?

I had to spend the night with the kids.

They needed a little Frankie time.

Oh. You're such a good dad.

(laughs)

Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. EDDIE: Sorry, folks.

Had a little plumbing issue.

The house's, not mine.

(group laughing, guffawing)

(The Nights' "Lonely Soul" playing)

♪ I wish I were a Beatle ♪
♪ I wish I were a Rolling Stone ♪
♪ I wish I'd always turn up, I wish I had nowhere to run ♪
♪ I wish I was somebody, I wish I was a great big star. ♪

(knocking)

Lou?

Frankie boy, how's it hanging?

Still from the left. Where the hell are you?

Jesus, it's hard to take a piss with this thing on.

That's a lie. It was the wiping that was tough.

This from the escalator thing at the mall?

No, no, no, this is the train doors closing on your ankle. Right.

I haven't been the same since.

Yeah. All I need is your signature and Monica's, and the money is all yours... with the exception of a third of it, that goes to me.

Plus expenses.

Sounds fair.

Me... and Monica.

Yay.

That was a hell of warm-up.

Unfortunately, those aren't the originals.

You two will have to go down to the city legal offices and do it in person.

What? I'm supposed to take off work to go do this?

Of course not, because as you know, those injury's prevented you from working, remember?

Oh, sh*t.

(pager beeps)

Hey, look at that.

Client just went into labor.

Is that gonna be a problem, getting Monica to sign?

No. Why-why would it be a problem?

(chuckles) If memory serves, she was a summa cum laude c**t.

Yeah, well, she was a lot of things.

You even know where she is?

I have a phone number. I'll make it happen.

Uh-huh. I hope so.

She's a joint claimant on this thing.

No Monica, no money.

Hey, do me a favor. Will you feed the dogs before you go?

Bag of dog food in my desk drawer.

Thanks, buddy. Uh...

(crunching)

Mmm!

All right, come on!

(dogs barking)

Get off of her!

Hey, man, it's, uh, it's Lip. I'm calling you from a phone booth.

Just hit me back at whatever number comes up on your cell, all right? It's important.

(phone rings)

Hey, thanks for taking long enough to let me enjoy the scent of urine.

Yeah, I didn't even know that phone booths exist anymore.

What's up? Sounded urgent.

Yeah, um, I was just wondering, do you think you can loan me a couple bills?

I can pay for a job.

You got a driver's license, right?

A few of 'em, yeah.

All right, meet me by the L at 11:00.

Are you screwing my sister's boyfriend?

If you're selling cookies, that's a hell of an opening line.

Do come in.

Can I get you something? Milk?

Soda?

A joint?

It's medicinal.

No, thank you, Mrs. Lishman.

How do you know Steve?

Who is Steve?

He's my sister's boyfriend.

How nice.

So, he's not pushing it into you?

(coughs)

Hey, Mom, me and Chip are gonna swing by the hospital to see Dad, so you can relax now, okay?

Oh! Thank you, Jimmy.

You take such good care of your mama bear.

BOTH: Mmm! Mmm!

Oh! This is, uh...

Debbie.

Debbie Gallagher.

Nice to meet you...

Jimmy.

Jimmy is my youngest.

Top of his class at Michigan in med school.

He is going to be a cardio-thoracic surgeon like his big brother and his daddy.

And he has been taking such good care of me since his father went into the hospital. (coughs)

A fender bender; broke his kneecap.

And you know, doctors make the worst patients.

Oh, would you like to stay for dinner, sweetheart?

Oh sh*t! I liked her.

(phone line ringing)

MUFFLED VOICE: Hello? Hello?

sh*t. sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Frank?

Frank, I... I certainly hope you're not pooping in there.

It's a closet.

Frank?

You didn't poop in there, did you?

I was waiting to surprise you. Oh.

Surprise!

(screams)

(laughing)

You got me!

Oh, Frankie.

Hey, do me a favor?

Call this number, and, and ask if Monica is there.

And if she is, tell her...

Congratulations!

She's won!

Who's Monica?

Doesn't matter.

What'd she win?

Uh... I don't know.

Whatever. Uh... a lottery, something.

A lottery? A prize.

A teddy bear.

What for?

Jesus, with the questions already!

Just call, say..

It's a teddy bear. And a hundred bucks.

And she has to pick it up. Just say that.

Well... I hope this Monica, whoever she is, worked really hard for that prize.

Sheils... I didn't get a teddy bear!

Sheils... sh*t.

(gentle knocking)

Hey.

Hey...

Come on.

She didn't really win a teddy bear.

But you want to know what?

(Sheila sniffs)

If I was giving away teddy bears, you would be absolutely top of the list.

(Sheila sniffs, blows nose)

(sniffling continues)

(Frank humming)

If you will do this for me, I will dress up any way you want, no safety word.

Is this Monica?

Well, hello. This is Sheila, from Market Promotions.

Can I ask you where you do all of yr grocery shopping?

Well, yes, that's right!

You've won!

First prize! Congratulations!

It's $100.

Yes. And, um...

(very quietly): What? Teddy bear.

(whispering): Teddy bear.

And, and a teddy bear.

And a great big teddy bear.

Hello?

Yeah...

She's crying.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, yeah, no, I've never won anything either.

Aw...

It's so great.

Yeah. I'm thrilled.

I'm thrilled for you.

Get to the f*cking point.

Anyway, prizes will be given out at 3:00.

At the store.

Yes.

WGN's own Tom Skilling will be presenting.

(whispering): She doesn't know who Tom Skilling is.

I don't know who f*cking Tom...

He does the weather.

Tom Skilling, he does the weather on WGN.

(mutters angrily)

Anyway, 3:00 on the dot.

Jim Ramsey might be there, too. Oh, Jesus Christ.

He does weekend weather.

Okay... okay...

Congratulations! See you there, Monica!

What did she say? Is she, is she, is she coming?

How can you not know who two of Chicago's weathermen are?

What kind of person is this Monica?

Is she coming to get the f*cking prize or not?

Yeah. She... oh, she's going.

She's... she's excited about that teddy bear.

You know, not sure I can prove it, but...

I think it's colder on the North Side.

Let me take you home, Debs.

I'm not supposed to take rides from strangers.

And it's clear that you are a stranger.

Oh, man.

Are you gonna tell Fiona?

Exactly what am I supposed to tell her?

That your name isn't Steve?

That you have a family in Chicago she's never met?

Or that your mom kisses you on the lips?

Which is really gross, by the way.

Life gets really complicated when you're an adult.

I mean, you can't possibly understand these things right now.

I understand that you lied to my sister.

Why?

Because I was raised by a pack of wolves.

Just like you were.

Only my wolves went to Harvard.

You know they have Red Wolves at Lincoln Park Zoo.

Maybe we could go check them out sometime.

Trying to distract me by asking me out on a date?

I do not want to be a doctor.

I do not want to be like the rest of my family.

What I want is Fiona.

I love her!

Love is fleeting, Jimmy.

What are your intentions?

You're distracting her, and I need her in the game for at least a few more years.

I can't have you breaking her heart, or running off with her.

So if you're not serious about sticking around, back off now.

I bought her a house.

Is that serious enough?

You what?

Come on. I'll show you.

Really? Yeah.

Yes! Yes!

DEBBIE: This was Mr. Harris's house.

They said he d*ed of lung cancer, but we're all pretty sure it was full-blown AIDS.

(laughing): Oh. My. God.

Has Fiona seen it?

No, she doesn't know about it yet.

I was going to, you know, fix it up a bit, and surprise her when the time is right.

Think we could build an above-ground walkway that connects the two houses?

What, like a Habitrail tube?

(gasps)

That would be awesome.

Are you going to tell Fiona?

Don't know yet, Jimmy.

Saw a really cool pink vest at the mall.

Really?

And I could use a new rolling pin and flour sifter.

Sheila's teaching me how to bake.

Anything else?

Not for the moment.

So... which room will be mine when I sleep over?

(phone rings)

(ring stops)

Not going out with that Gallagher degenerate tonight?

Good.

You deserve better.

I've been reading more about this Purity Ball thing.

It says here you can "re-dedicate yourself as a virgin."

Start over. Isn't that nice?

I mean, you show up, confess your transgressions, and pledge yourself to be pure again, in the eyes of the Lord.

I'll give you the damn car.

Really?

Fiona would be pissed if she knew you were into this sh*t with me.

LIP: Well, what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?

All right. Task at hand.

You'll be driving the follow car.

The golden rule: always use a follow car.

Nice silver Mercedes.

Nice security camera at the intersection.

Wait, why don't we head up to some assh*le town, like Lake Forest? Plenty of douche-mobiles up there. No.

No, I was just thinking that, you know... Listen, no.

200 bucks to follow me after I lift the car, you get your concert tickets, I get my work done.

That's it. Okay? All right, man.

sh*t.

Rule number two: always remember where you park the follow car.

f*ck.

Monica.

Monica?

Deb.

Jimmy.

Fiona's next door with Liam.

That my "shut-up gift"?

Well, I like to think of it as a peace offering.

Peace offering implies a one-time thing.

This could take a while.

How long?

Till I'm sure that you're not still lying.

Okay. I gotta get back up to Lake Forest.

They're releasing my dad from the hospital.

I'm gonna pick him up, I'm gonna take him home.

You know everything there is to know. No more secrets.

I promise.

Sifter sifts, and rolling pin rolls.

Nice when things do what the say they will.

Jimmy. Steve.

Is this your idea of a joke, huh?

'Cause you're scared of women with an opinion, yeah?

Yeah, watch this crinkle-d*ck.

I'll show you what's funny when I rip your f*cking face off your f*ckin' head!

Out of the way, Monica!

Get out of the way now! MONICA: Put the shovel down. Please!

I'm sorry.

Who lies about a teddy bear?

Wasting my f*cking time.

Are you sure this is even the right store? Yes.

They specifically said this store?

Yes, I told you yes.

I wrote it down. I wrote everything down.

Stop talking to me like I'm stupid.

(sighs)

(sniffles)

Frank?

Frank! What?!

Frank!

(engine starting)

Start the car!

What?

(engine starting)

Go, go, go!

What the f*ck, Frank? She saw me.

What's going on?

Come on, we gotta get outta here! Go!

I'm gonna rip it off when I catch you!

Can't this piece of sh*t go any faster?! No.

Monica's batting for the other team.

What?! My wife's a f*cking lesbian!

KEVIN: sh*t!

(truck horn blares)

Hmph!

♪ You're gonna look over, you never know what you'll find... ♪

Go! Go! Shut up, Frank!

Go! Go!

♪ But we'll stop, but we'll stop ♪
♪ But we'll stop! ♪

FRANK: f*ck off, lesbos!

(laughing)

I would say my advice to you would be to let Fiona live in her own relationship.

You can't do it for her.

There's things you should know.

Well, sometimes, sweetie, when people are in love, they don't tell someone everything for a reason.

That's like lying.

No, sweetie, it's just... it's a little editing.

Now the sifting. See?

We separate and aerate those flour particles to make them absorb liquids better.

Someone should sift my dad.

(chuckles)

Oh, you Gallaghers.

You're all so funny.

KEVIN: Frank!

This is bullshit, Frank!

FRANK: Bar the door! Lock the door!

What is happening?!

It's okay, Sheila. It's just my dad.

I thought we lost 'em.

Did you even have a plan back there?

I was going to charm her into signing once she was there.

How the hell was I supposed to know she would show up with ghetto Godzilla in a Peterbilt.

I am seriously this close to punching you in the d*ck.

(truck approaching)

Get... They're just girls.

Stop. You talk to them.

I need the key to the back door.

That is not a sexual euphemism.

I need the f*cking key. What did you do with it?

I-I-I don't know. I can't think when you yell, Frank. I'm not yelling.

What'd you do with the key? You're still yelling.

I need the key, Sheila.

Okay, okay, it's by the... it's by the... it's by the washing machine. It's not by the washing machine.

Yes, it is. I put it by the washing machine. It's not by the...

Mom.

It-it's Mom.

Debbie.

Oh, my sweet pea.

What the f*ck are you looking at?!

Hey, look, I got nothing to do with it, all right?

I'm just the driver. Sit.

Sit your ass down.

Oh...

That was a nasty trick.

Even for you, Frank.

I had my heart set on that teddy bear.

Oh, poor Monica.

Well, what about your kids?!

Remember?

The six kids?

Youngest was only two months old before you ran off.

Ended up with... f*cking Shrek here.

You want me to step in here, Monica?

No, I didn't leave you, Frank.

Yes, you did. I didn't choose to leave my family.

You almost destroyed me.

When I turned up at Roberta's that night, I was an... BOTH: Emotional cr*pple!

Oh, bullshit.

With not one ounce of self-respect.

You almost destroyed me. I'm gonna start crying.

You drove me into the ground, Frank.

You-you robbed me of any sense of dignity I ever had, and...

Where's the rest of the kids?

They're out playing.

They live down at Fiona's.

You mind putting some bags on?

Can you... can you put some bags on your feet? Bags on my feet?

Take your shoes off. SHEILA: I need you to put bags on.

Don't, don't don't.

Hell hath no fury like popcorn b*rned.

Is Steve coming? Hope so.

Are you guys going to make a baby while we watch Cosmos?

'Cause that's going to make me throw up.

Billions and billions of sperm.

Ew!

Steve, please turn it on already.

Yeah, hurry up.

I gotta get back to work. Ooh!

Cool.

Hey.

And what our faith may be.

Missed you, stranger. You, too.

Get a room.

Get your tickets? LIPS: Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Glad I could help.

Glad you're glad.

Steve.

And birds...

Oh, this popcorn's burnt. Our microwave sucks.

That doesn't mean I want you to buy us a new one.

The universe is smaller than atoms.

But it's also the story of our own planet. Debs?

Honey, what happened?

LIP: What, Dad have one too many again?

You just got to ignore him when he's like that, Debs.

Why do you always blame Dad first?

Who else is there?

She's over at Sheila's.

Who?

Monica.

Relationships of the awesome machinery of nature.

Who the hell is Monica?

Her mother.

On this shore, we've learned...

FIONA: Debs.

What do you care?!

You'll be living with Steve in that house he bought next door!

Some part of our being knows...

Surprise.

Because the cosmos is also within us.

We're made of star stuff.

I'm going to work. Ian, come on, wait.

Mommy! Mommy!

I know.

Mommy! Mommy!

Worlds of ice and stars of diamonds.

Atoms and masses...

What the f*ck?

I need to see you.

Not a good time. MAN: Who keeps hanging their f*cking laundry on my pull-up bar?!

I-I-I don't know where else to go.

I thought you were working today.

Uh, Linda's gonna have my ass.

I'm supposed to be there now.

I'll meet you there in 20.

Oh, bullshit!

You physically abused me.

What?! When?!

The Fourth of July.

Oh, come on, you hit me in the face with a tray of apple pan dowdy.

And you hit me back.

Yeah, after you broke my nose and scratched my cornea.

Oh, yeah? What about this?

Oh, come on, you started that one.

And I'll finish it if you lay a finger on her.

SHEILA: Roberta...

Bob. Only Moni called me Roberta.

All right, well Bob, we're just in the way here and we should make our exit and leave Monica for her apologies.

Apologies?

For walking out on this piece of sh*t?

No, for walking out on them.

Oh, my God.

It's all right. I'm not one of yours.

Just came to rubberneck.

Alhamdu lillah!

Ian, I did it.

Linda's pregnant.

Ian. Finally knocked her up.

Where are you? I did it.

It's over.

What the f*ck?!

Sign the name! Sign the name!

MONICA: You're all so big.

I missed you so much.

Well, why didn't you take us with you?

MONICA: Because...

I knew you'd be fine with Fiona.

f*cking right you keep your mouth shut.

You better keep it shut.

You hear me?

Put the candy back, Mickey.

Mm. That's sweet.

I like 'em sweet.

But then, uh... so do you, huh?

(laughing): Huh?

Put it back.

Now.

f*ck!

Kash, what are you doing?

It's a f*cking Snickers bar!

f*ck!

IAN: Holy sh*t!

MICKEY: Jesus Chr...!

You okay? f*ck!

Hey, hey, listen to me. You f*ckin' suck!

Thought you were at work.

There was a sh**ting.

Mickey and Kash.

Holy sh*t, Mickey sh*t Kash?

Kash sh*t Mickey. What?

In the leg. He's fine.

I just wanted to get out of there before the cops got there.

What'd I miss with Mom?

Well, you know how Dad's a total f*cking assh*le?

Yeah.

Turns out he's the good one.

Oh, I can't believe you sucked me back in here for money!

I did no such thing.

But since you're in town, why don't you sign up for this little thing and I will cut you in... Oh, f*ck you, Frank!

Wait, you brought her back here?

Oh, Ian.

Wait, you knew where she was the whole time?

Okay, look, this little reunion was bound to happen sooner or later anyway.

We were thinking about coming around to talk to you about something else.

No, no... Yes, now. Yes, now.

Moni and I want to take Liam to live with us.

What?!

Over my dead body.

How about Moni sign whatever the hell it is you need... we get Liam. Done.

No f*cking way! You can't have Liam.

Why the hell not?

He's not even Frank's. Fact is, Liam is black.

All you white folks scooping up black babies like fashion accessories have a rude awakening coming.

There will be a backlash if people don't stop underestimating the cultural importance of a black parent raising a black baby.

Liam needs me and he's coming with us.

Out of the f*cking question, Roberta.

Roberta and I want to start a family of our own.

Well, how about you finish this one first.

(sobbing): They're taking Liam?

No! Yes!

No, nobody's taking anyone anywhere.

You don't get to abandon your kids and then show up one day to take your pick of the litter.

Oh, now that's not fair.

Your mother's made mistakes, but she's here now.

That's got to count for something. FIONA: Shut up, Frank!

This isn't about you.

This is about you.

This is about what you didn't do.

It's about what I did.

And you know what?

I did a f*cking great job.

Debbie is class president.

She's on the debate team, going to nationals.

And Lip, he's top of his class.

He set the curve.

Ian was promoted in ROTC and he tested out of English.

And Carl made something blow up for his science fair.

And you know what, they did it all, no thanks to you!

Because you weren't here!

And I appreciate that, Fiona.

But I'm here now.

And Liam belongs with me.

He doesn't even know who you are.

I'm his mother! You were my mother, too!

LIAM: I don't! I don't know!

MONICA: Maybe I'll never be able to make things right with you... but there's still time with Liam.

And Debbie and Carl, I am so sorry if I hurt you.

See, I love you so much.

Please let me be your mommy again. Please?

(gasps)

You know what?

You're right.

You are their mother.

And you're here now.

(sniffs)

So I'm done.

I'm done with the school and the bills and the clinics.

I'm done.

They're all yours now, Mom.

Good luck.

(speaking quietly)

(The Scanners' "Baby Blue" playing)

♪ Baby blue... ♪
♪ This is not the sky... ♪
♪ That you know... ♪

Come here.

♪ You want to fly... ♪

Show me the house? Yeah.