03x01 - El Gran Cañon

[bunniefuu]

You really don't remember what happened last year?

School. Now.

I dropped out.

You'll get your diploma, I'll get mine.

What you doing?

Studying.

You taking your GED? All right, Fi!

Estefania. Fiona.

You married a druglord's daughter?

I'm not in love with her.

That's good, 'cause she doesn't love you either.

She's got this other guy. Marco... somebody.

Marco, you're me now. Take my identity.

And if Este's dad comes looking for you, she'll still be married to Steve Wilton.

We can't have sex anymore.

I'm pretty sure that Jody's gonna propose.

You're better than this guy, Karen.

Stay the f*ck away from me, and stay the f*ck away from this baby!

Is it all right if I stay over tonight?

Couldn't go 12 hours without seeing me, could you?

Went to the clinic today, said me having kids... not likely.

No one said that we have to stop trying.

Hello, boys.

We got nothing to be ashamed of.

What f*cking world do you live in?

Officer, oink, oink!

Does this violate my probation?

Shut up!

[Laughing]

[Screams]

Is it the baby?

No!

It's you! Get out!

I really am so sorry about all of this with Karen.

You deserve better.

Congratulations, my boy. You hit the jackpot.

Frank!

What?

I think you should go.

Why don't you just live at your real home with your real family?

I don't like them, and they don't like me.

Hey, stop that! Hey, hey!

Please just go. Leave.

Mind if I sleep here for the night?

Hey, that's no problem for me.

Back to being a legal resident around here, Steve?

His name is Jimmy now.

Steve was just an alias he used to lie to me about who he really was.

I wanna meet your family.

Sorry to be late.

These are Fiona's brothers, Carl and Ian.

Do they know you're gay?

I'm not gay.

Really?

[Screaming]

It's coming! It's coming!

Doctor.

What's wrong with him?

He has down's syndrome, Debs.

Yeah, and he's Asian.

Take it back to the hospital. Somebody will want it.

I want it.

It's me or the baby.

The baby, sweetheart.

Know you're gonna regret this.

I love you.

Are you gonna leave?

No.

Everybody always leaves.

I won't.

[High Strung's The Luck You Got]

?

♪ think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this down side ♪
♪ that you speak of♪
♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of♪
♪

?

♪ round up the friends you got ♪
♪ know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this down side ♪
♪ that you speak of♪
♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of♪
♪

[Indie rock music]

?

Morning, sunshine.

Why didn't you wake me up?

I gotta make lunches before work.

Already done. Carl.

My man, would you like some more French toast?

Uh-huh.

Lip and Ian?

Already fed and gone.

Why are you eating a popsicle for breakfast?

Jimmy said it was okay.

I've got your smoothie ready to go.

Where's Debbie?

Out front like always.

?

Morning, Debs.

137 days.

When I was nine, he was gone for a year.

He always comes back.

Lunch.

He'll be back, Debs.

He always comes back.

Hey, [Speaking Spanish] sir.

Hey! [Speaking Spanish] Get up!

[Speaking Spanish] Get up! You can't sleep here.

Hey!

[Speaking Spanish] Come on. Come on. Get up! Come on, quickly! Get up, get up!

[Speaking Spanish]

Quickly, quickly.

[Speaking Spanish] - Get the hell out.

All right.

[Speaking Spanish] - Now!

Yeah.

[Speaking Spanish]

Let's pray...

Hey. Can you help me?

Sir. You need help?

Yes, thank you.

Where am I?

Juarez.

Mexico?

[Speaking Spanish] Yes.

Did I miss Christmas?

Christmas?

You almost missed Easter.

There's an Escalade parked across the street with someone in it.

Oh?

It's nice.

Still has its hubcaps.

I think it was there yesterday too.

Popsicle for breakfast?

Carl's teeth hurt.

Yeah, 'cause he's eating popsicles for breakfast.

Did he brush before he left for school?

Yeah, think so.

Did you check his toothbrush to see if it was wet?

Mm, I was hoping that you'd still be in bed when the kids left for school.

I have to work.

You've got five minutes.

Five?

I'll make it ten if I focus on the white sox box scores or something.

Liam?

Just plop him down in front of the wiggles, he's good for hours.

I can't be late.

I can't be late!

I need the cash for the property tax bill.

[Sniffs]

Please don't tell my kids they can do things they know they can't.

Your kids?

A popsicle?

So I'm just the nanny?

I can feed them, change them, but when Carl wants a second popsicle...

A second popsicle?

Didn't like the first one. Banana.

His teeth are gonna rot out of his head.

We just spent 2 grand on his braces.

We?

What?

Not... we.

Me. I paid for Carl's braces.

No more popsicles for breakfast, okay?

Lip and Ian left early?

They said they had to pick something up downtown before school.

Downtown?

What they said.

Pick up what?

Go, go, go, go!

When you said you had access to the building, I thought you meant through a door!

I may have fudged on that a bit.

Hey!

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Get out of the way!

Stop!

Jesus, whatever happened to fat, doughnut-eating cops?

Now they're all triathletes.

Catch!

The tall prick looks good for another 10 miles.

Aah!

sh*t!

Ditch out at the street, yeah?

Wait, wait, wait! Maybe they'll give up.

What are you doing?

sh*t, sh*t!

Whoa! Whoa.

Right there! Hold it!

No way West Point takes you with a felony conviction.

Hey!

Catch you at the courthouse later?

Don't be stupid!

Call Mandy, all right?

Milkovich has gotta have a good bail-bondsman.

[Screams]

[Baby fussing]

Baby.

[Baby crying]

Baby.

It's your turn.

I know you're awake.

You're making that fakey sleep sound.

I was up at 3:00 and 5:00.

Get your ass up, you g*dd*mn pony-tailed Fabio m*therf*cker!

What?

Get your g*dd*mn ass out of this bed!

It's your f*cking turn!

Is someone tearing his flesh off?

You sure this Ferber dude knows what the hell he's talking about?

Go!

[Crying stops]

♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪

[Crying continues, drumming]

♪ Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪
♪ if that mockingbird don't sing ♪

Stop it!

[Singing in Spanish]

?

Excuse me. Medi-medi-medical emergency.

Good morning.

Passport?

Ah, yeah, um...

No.

Must have left 'em in my other pants.

But I'm an American citizen. Chi-town, born and raised.

No passport, no entry.

What? Since when?

Since Al Qaeda decided Americans needed k*lling.

See, here's the thing, Agent Tacker.

You look like a man who occasionally enjoys a malt beverage, so you can understand, every once in a while, a couple of drinks can get out of hand.

But when it happens, the next morning, you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get right back on the horse.

Am I right, or am I right?

Just let me cross. I won't tell anyone.

I promise.

You got a driver's license?

Any form of photo ID? Costco card?

Do I look like I've got a Costco card?

You look like you need a course of penicillin and a lice comb.

Call home, get somebody to send you some kind of photo ID, so we can use it to make you a temporary passport.

Get cleaned up.

We're not letting you into the country, so you can add to Texas' homeless population.

Next!

[Latin music continues]

?

[Urinating]

[Stops urinating]

[Continues urinating]

He just walks in, doesn't even bother to knock!

That's nothing. Last night, Kev waltzes in, does his sit-down business while I'm taking a bath.

Only one bathroom. Had to go.

We have another bathroom, but Jimmy can't be bothered to go downstairs?

Kev once did his poopy business while I was brushing my teeth.

Only one bathroom.

Can I steal some of this?

Sure.

Yesterday, I caught him vacuuming and watching Rachel Ray.

Kev doesn't even know what a vacuum is.

Sure, I do. Outer space.

Dude in Armageddon got sucked right out of his space suit, exploded.

Nice overalls.

$14.50 an hour.

You haven't lived till you've vacuumed up toxic waste.

Hey, what do you think? Am I camera ready or what?

Both: Ow!

[Grunting]

My topless web traffic is way down.

Too many girls ironing.

If we're going to have a kid, I need to save up money for when my tits are the size of watermelons.

There's probably a market for pervs who want to see a woman nursing.

Kev's worried our kid might find these online one day.

Whoo! sh*t on the net never goes away.

Kev Junior's gonna be surfing the net for p*rn one day and see his mama's big titties and get hungry.

So we're trying a new web thing.

Couple act. Master and sl*ve.

Wah!

You gonna do it in a cast?

Hey, man's gotta eat.

That is so wrong.

It's educational.

By acting out a scene from the old plantation, we're providing content for an internet audience that embraces a truthful reenactment of our past.

It's r*cist and wrong!

Which why it's gonna make money 'cause this country is r*cist.

What's that all about?

The place we were working yesterday had a couple billion fleas.

Jimmy doesn't really do anything.

He just hangs around the house all day with Liam, making smoothies, acting like he's the kids' new dad.

So he's vacuuming, cooking, and changing dirty diapers, and you're still pissed.

I thought that's what you ladies wanted is shared housework.

Wage equality and all that Hunger Games,

Lady Gaga girl power sh*t.

We say it, but we don't mean it.

There is nothing sexy about a man with a mop.

[TV prelap]

I don't know, tell us.

At least give us a hint.

Okay.

Hey, my man.

[Guitar plays on TV] Huh?

I know. I've seen it worse.

That's right, Chip. You guessed it.

Living with someone is hard.

When's the last time you were with a guy for longer than a few weeks?

Pshh. Never.

Wha--

And how long you been living with Jimmy, three months?

Four.

Boring happens. We all get bored.

It'll pass.

He'll stop being boring again soon.

♪ Up, up, up Chip likes to soar ♪
♪ then down, down, down ♪
♪ let's work some more ♪
♪ come over here ♪
♪ then come with me ♪
♪ go over there ♪

[Muffled song on TV]

? go to that tree ?

[Tires screeching]

[Portuguese commands]

[Grunting]

Well, hello, Steve.

Nando.

[Speaks portuguese]

Everything okay?

Where is she, Steve?

Where's who?

Estefania, Steve.

My daughter.

Your wife.

Oh.

[Rock music]

?

What are we doing today?

Biohazard.

Listen up.

Sewer main backed up.

Sent effluent geysering out their basement toilet.

Got a few blocks of raw sewage down there.

Better grab the waders.

[Vocalizing]

?

Bullshit! Bullshit! It's f*cking bullshit!

m*therf*cking assh*le son of a bitch was f*cking with me!

Philip Ronan Gallagher.

Breaking and entering, grand theft, assaulting two law enforcement officers.

Uh, campus security, Your Honor.

I mean, can rent-a-cops really be counted as law enforcement officers?

It's been, what, a couple of months?

Almost a year, your honor.

Turn a new leaf or just dumb luck?

No, walking the straight and narrow, Your Honor.

Thanks to the wise counsel and guidance previously provided by this court.

Are you mocking me, Philip?

No, Your Honor, absolutely not.

You know, I have nothing but respect for this court and for the rule of law that it represents.

You know, the rights that we've derived from over 900 years of fealty to the magna carta are the only things standing between us and the anarchy of mob rule.

Hmm. Still a minor. What a shame.

The defendant before you b*at a co-worker to death with a nail-studded 2x4 for finishing the coffee and not starting a new pot.

You show up in this court again as an adult, I'll make sure he's your cell mate.

How do you plead?

Not guilty...

Your Honor.

Set a date for prelim.

$500 bond.

[Computerized female voice]

Please say "collect."

Calling card, third number, or enter your--

Collect.

Please say your name.

Frank.

Thank you.

[Sighs]

[Rock music]

?

[Vocalizing]

[Phone ringing]

?

What's it mean when there's a plus sign in front of the number?

International call.

Probably some Nigerian calling to tell you you won a million bucks.

[Line trilling]

[Dial tone]

[Exclaims]

Daddy!

Daddy.

Daddy!

Daddy?

Daddy?

Frank?

Daddy? Daddy?

[Speaking Spanish on TV]

You are creating new designs...

Frank!

He's not here.

No cookies.

Jimmy didn't make any cookies.

Estefania and I occasionally spend time on the South Side, helping a friend look after her siblings.

It's a tragic story really-- mom's gone, dad's a drunk.

Out.

It's okay.

Thank you.

How you do-- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ah. Yeah, yeah.

If he tries to run, sh**t him.

You know, I was surprised to see you in the States because I thought that the DEA had you on a watch list.

They do.

So you can imagine how happy I am to come here, Steve.

[Door buzzer]

[Speaks portuguese] Daddy!

Stevie, you home!

How was your trip? Your plane safe?

Save it. He knows.

Her English is getting good, right?

Heh.

_

_

Hey, sweetheart.

_

_

You. No, daddy!

No, please! No, no!

[Crying]

No!

No!

No!

[g*nshots]

[Crying]

[Baby crying]

You can buy baby food at the Food 4 Less, sweetie.

They put artificial coloring and preservatives in that crap.

[Groaning] [Phone ringing]

Yeah, but the carrots gave him gas.

No, that was the peas and eggplant.

Won't do that again.

[Baby crying] [Phone ringing]

Aww. It's okay.

It's okay.

Hello?

You have a collect call.

Collect? Yes.

Yes.

Karen? Sweetie?

Karen?

She okay?

Sheils, honey, it's Frank.

Frank who?

Frank Frank.

Listen, Sheils, here's the situation.

I'm out of the country on business, and it's the craziest thing.

Someone stole all my money and my passport.

Aw, sh*t!

sh*t!

Hey, hey!

Trouble, [Speaking Spanish] sir?

What?

Maybe I could help.

[Alarm buzzes]

Here he comes.

Been up to see Mickey?

Nah, I sent him some girl-on-girl p*rn last week.

It's the only thing he ever wants.

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks, man. How you doing?

Hey.

Gah! What the f*ck?

assh*le.

What the hell's that about?

Wasn't too happy to hear about you getting caught.

Oh.

How'd it go?

Public defender thinks I can get off with community service if we take the laser back.

Underprivileged kid trying to gain access to scientific equipment he doesn't have at his ghetto-ass, underfunded high school.

Hey, uh, thanks for bailing me out.

All Mandy.

She used her dad's line of credit at Bad Bob's bonds.

Miss a hearing, and my dad will come after you with a linoleum Kn*fe and a bucket of battery acid.

Hey.

You knew about this.

Absolutely not.

I'm shocked and humiliated by this betrayal.

I can't believe it.

How could she be unfaithful to me after everything we've been through?

_

_

Better safe than sorry.

Well... looks like you don't need me around here anymore.

Put some gloves on.

You get to hold his foot while I cut.

[Estefania crying]

Fiona.

Burrito?

Warmed it on the septic truck engine, works great.

Uh, no thanks.

So my lazy-ass nephew, my brother Howie's kid with the big head.

You remember him from school?

Howie Jr., sure!

Anyway, he's back from college for the summer--

Howie Jr.'s in college?

Wrestling scholarship.

Majoring in beer pong and date r*pe from what I hear.

Anyway, he's back for the summer, and he needs a job.

You're a hard worker, but... blood is blood.

When's Junior back?

That's it?

Call you if anything big comes up, and we need some extra hands.

We're almost done here.

Now get your wife dressed, and go have a nice dinner.

Hmm?

Someplace expensive.

I'll come and join you later.

I only have one shoe.

Take a pair of Marco's.

He always had good taste in footwear.

_

_

No, just toss it in with the rest.

_

It was stupid.

You know, I've spent too many Saturdays stuck on a bus going downstate to get felt up by d*ke prison guards.

No school science project is worth going to jail for.

It's not for school.

What, were you gonna pawn it?

Nope.

Sell it on eBay?

No.

Gonna teach some arrogant, college wapanese assholes not to f*ck with the South Side.

[Electricity humming]

[Giggling]

Sure, you are.

What the f*ck?

[Punk music on radio]

?

[Whistles] [Speaking Spanish]

Move, move, fast! Come on!

You know, a fast moving current can knock a grown man right off his feet.

[Speaking Spanish] Move right now! Let's go! Fast! Fast!

Did you see Anaconda?

Hey! Shh!

Keep moving, all right? Move, move, m*therf*cker.

That was Central America. Okay, I'm going.

[Voices inside]

What's that?

It's a miniature Mars rover.

I'm mounting a helium-neon laser on it.

We're gonna blow sh*t up with it.

Hey! Language.

Oh, hey, final notice on the property tax.

You going down there tomorrow?

Later.

Where you going?

Study group.

No dinner?

No Jimmy.

No cookies after school either.

He wasn't here when you came home from school?

No, and his Beamer's still out front.

Want me to open a can of tuna?

Sure.

Would you mind getting that one for me?

Whiskey. I need whiskey.

Shh.

We have to stay hydrated.

The sun's almost down. It's not hot.

How much further?

20 miles to the rendezvous.

How far have we gone so far?

Two. [Speaking Spanish] Relax!

Could we stop for a second?

I think I'm getting a blister.

No, seriously. I'm wearing the wrong shoes.

Anybody have a band-aid?

[Wild Yaks' Tomahawk]

♪ How do I get my tomahawk back♪
♪

♪ my tomahawk back, my tomahawk back ♪
♪ how do I get my tomahawk back♪
♪

♪ my tomahawk back, my tomahawk back ♪
♪ how do I get my tomahawk back♪
♪

♪ my tomahawk back, my tomahawk back ♪

sh*t.

? Must I look inside? ?

? No ?

♪ How do I get my tomahawk back♪
♪

♪ my tomahawk back, my tomahawk back ♪
♪ how do I get my tomahawk back♪
♪

Jesus.

♪ How do I get my tomahawk back♪
♪

♪ my tomahawk back, my tomahawk back ♪

? how do I get my tomahawk back? ?

Okay! Okay!

I'm American!

American! I'm an American.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

♪ My tomahawk back, my tomahawk back ♪

Did you check the hospitals today?

No Frank.

_

Okay, Debs, come on. Time for bed.

He'll come back, Debs.

Frank's like scabies.

You can't get rid of him no matter how hard you try.

[Knocking on door]

[Sighs]

Bedtime.

Ian?

Mandy?

Yeah, her dad's mixing vodka and speedballs again, so...

You being smart?

Lost my job today.

What, you f*cking the boss?

Nah. Nepotism. Nephew.

Hey, uh... we gonna have enough for the property tax bill?

Just. With the check I got today.

Where you been?

Hey.

I just ran into a friend, grabbed dinner.

What are you doing?

Just burning my clothes.

Why?

Ah, you don't need to know.

I don't?

Nope.

[Sighs]

Take a shower.

Scrub my back?

You want me to scrub your back?

[Alternative music]

[Giggling]

♪ Waiting there for me ♪

[Both laughing]

Both: Oh!

♪ I won't ever be alone again ♪
♪ someday in the future ♪

Mmm. No, no.

Use Euler's.

Where? Here?

Oh, come on.

Cosine X.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Hey.

Catch.

Open it.

What is it?

GPS wrist unit.

For your ROTC orienting weekends so you know where you are.

We're supposed to learn that off of maps and stuff.

Oh, come on.

They teaching you how to use a sextant too?

Modern infantry officers have, like, a grand worth of satellite gear in their packs.

We need to learn how though in case we get separated from our unit or all that fancy equipment breaks down in a harsh environment.

Aw, come on.

Just take it.

I sort of have a boyfriend.

Well, I sorta have a wife.

He's been gone for a while, but he's going to be back in a couple of weeks.

Young or old?

Young.

Ah.

You up for a threesome, hmm?

I mean, an old guy can dream, can't he?

[Laughing] Keep dreaming.

[Both laughing] Come here.

Who needs more eggs?

Me, please!

You came in awfully late for a school night.

Trig test in a couple weeks, you know.

Wow. Couldn't find your pants?

I already made them lunches.

What time do you have to be at work?

Laid off.

Well, that's all right. I mean, you hated that job.

Didn't hate the money.

Time to get back in bed when the kids leave?

Oh, I wish. I can't, I have a meeting.

Bus is leaving! Dishes in the sink!

Mandy, do you need a ride?

Sure, if you got room.

All right.

Meeting with who?

Old friend from last night.

Old friend have a name?

Arnando. We used to work together.

He came to town unexpectedly.

Used to work together doing what?

Butcher shop.

Debbie, milk in the fridge!

All right, train's leaving!

Mandy!

I'll be back, just don't make the bed.

Let's go, Jimmy!

[Spanish] Hurry!

What now?

Now you go away.

What, that's it? You're just gonna give up?

Hey, I'm thirsty.

You a quitter, Manuel?

What?

A quitter? Little baby quitter?

I'll give you $1,000.

You already promised to give me five.

That or let me cut out a kidney to sell.

Well, that was before I realized that you were a little pansy quitter.

Ah!

Stay away from me, assh*le!

Now that is the spirit that I've been looking for, but let's channel it into something constructive, like getting me on the other side of the Rio Grande.

How bad do you want to get back?

It's "badly," but yes, bad!

Come, amigo.

Let me introduce you to my friend El Cuchillo.

El Cuchillo.

Yeah.

Cuchillo. Cuchillo.

Let's go.

The Kn*fe?

Your sister doesn't like me.

No, she's just worried I'm gonna knock you up, doesn't want any more Gallagher mouths to feed.

I'm not my mom.

13 with my brother on her hip.

13, huh?

12 when she got pregnant.

What the hell is that?

This? This is a helium-neon laser.

Now I'm gonna perform lasix on near-sighted neighborhood kids.

50 bucks a pop.

What are you doing this summer?

Probably pretty much what I did last summer-- drink too much beer, smoke a lot of weed.

Yeah.

Well, that ain't gonna work.

You got to pad your resume for your college apps this summer.

You're a poor kid from the South Side.

And you got a 4.6, and that's great, but you're gonna need a full ride.

What's so g*dd*mn funny?

No, it's just, um... why does everyone think I'm going to college?

Dummy, you are going to college, and you're gonna graduate.

And then you're gonna get your masters and your doctorate.

And then you're gonna make a boatload of money.

Spend the summer padding this resume.

Doing what?

I don't give a sh*t.

Teach brain-damaged kids how to make plastic expl*sives or the blind how to blow glass.

You know what, I already have my sights set on a few hundred hours of community service.

Okay.

That's good.

Get it done.

Courtesy of Cook County juvenile court system.

You have a 4.6?

My GPA is, like, 1.2.

How smart are you?

You find anything?

Nothing I can get with a GED.

Go to Malcolm X.

Take some nurses aide classes or something.

You got Jimmy playing Mr. Mom, might as well take advantage of it.

This Aunt Jemima scarf too much?

You gonna be topless?

Yeah.

No one's gonna be looking at your head.

How much does community college cost?

Nothing. Take out of shitload of student loans, then bail on the feds once you get your degree.

Bookkeeping, accounting, X-ray technician, dental hygienist.

Yech, I get grossed out just flossing my teeth.

I've been shoveling sewage for the last month.

Computer programming.

Drug and alcohol rehab counselor!

I definitely have the practical experience for that one.

Crap.

Need a bunch of psych prerequisites first.

Why don't you take the civil service exam and get on the ITC?

Drive a bus?

Hey, pension, health care, paid vacations.

Or there's the Post Office.

Uniforms are for sh*t.

Everyone looks like they have a d*ck in those pants.

Oh, wow, a lot of people queuing up online for this.

This might just work!

Club's gonna open up the outdoor patio soon, maybe Meg would give me another sh*t at managing or at least get my old job back.

Slinging appletinis?

You didn't need to get your GED to shake your titties and collect tips from frat boys.

The money's good, and it doesn't require prerequisites.

Requires a couple.

Can you set up the camera, please?

We're ready to go.

Who are you supposed to be?

Thomas Jefferson.

Okay, Miss Sally.

You get your revenge for me raping you in the sl*ve quarters.

Master.

Ah!

Ooh.

Get down, you white m*therf*cker.

Get in there. Ah!

Yeah, now get that ass. Munch it, munch it!

Do the alphabet.

We shall overcome, m*therf*cker.

Get in there!

We shall overcome!

[Screaming]

[Motor starting]

Get on.

Hey, Meg. How are you?

Fiona... Gallagher.

Sure. How you been?

Thought I'd stop by, see if you were staffing up for summer yet.

Patio's not open till Memorial Day, but if you want to push cocktails in 6-inch heels, I can always use another pretty girl for the summer.

I was hoping you'd give me a sh*t at assistant managing like we discussed last fall.

Congrats.

Yeah.

I know I screwed you over last time.

It's a family thing, my mother was really--

I get it. You have it tough.

But fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice--

I won't let you down again.

Come on, give me one night to show you what I can do.

You won't regret it.

Give me a thousand bucks.

I'll find you a night to promote.

Promote?

Yeah.

You take over the club, do it all.

How about Tuesday the 15th?

Next week?

Show me what you got.

I don't have $1,000.

So I'll pencil you in to work the patio.

Give me a call mid-May, and keep the weight off.

[Speaks portuguese]

Hey, pretty girl.

Mimosa?

Uh, sure.

A man has few things of real value in this life.

His family, his friends.

His ability to honor his commitment, the value of his word.

Eat, please.

I believe the only true measure of a man is his willingness to accept responsibility for his actions.

Don't you agree?

We're here.

Beautiful, very peaceful.

The Great Lakes, right?

Uh, Lake Michigan.

How many Great Lakes are there?

Uh, five.

I knew the Great Lakes were big, but I never imagined they would be this big.

It's like a sea.

Surprisingly heavy for a man with so few brains.

[Speaking portuguese]

Amen, son of a bitch So, Steve...

Are you a man capable of honoring your commitments?

Are you a man of your word?

[Men speaking Spanish]

Come here, let's go.

Cuchillo! [Spanish] Another moron.

So... you are an American, eh?

Yeah.

Wanting to go home?

But you have no papers.

No, see, we were sort of partying.

Say "ah."

Ah. Ah, ah. Ah.

[Speaking Spanish] Good.

Good?

Whoa! No, amigo, I'm not that kind of girl.

Jesus!

Okay, okay, fellas, I'm really kinda getting skeeved out here.

Uh...

[Spanish] - Everything okay.

Clean him. Clean this m*therf*cker.

Can I-- can I take them--

Good luck, [Spanish] little bitch.

What happened to people paying you when you do the work?

It was just her way of telling me to go f*ck myself.

What really pissed me off was how she just assumed that I couldn't come up with the money.

Smug bitch.

Well, we did all right today on that master-sl*ve thing.

I could loan you the money if you want.

No. That's okay.

I love you, but... you gotta save up for when you have a baby.

What about Jimmy?

He's being weird.

Meg's right. I am a loser.

One more ghetto girl who thinks she's the sh*t.

I can't manage a club.

What's that, self-pity?

No, reality.

I'll take the civil service exam, clean bus shelter trash barrels for the city.

Hey! You're Fiona Gallagher.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

You got your GED.

You've been raising a family of six since you were 15 years old.

You're a rock star, and Meg's a frigid bitch.

What's that?

My final paycheck.

Looks like this battle is almost over.

Ooh!

The Red Rovertron is in trouble.

[Cheers and applause]

Scorpio back for the win.

Back for yet another round of ritual humiliation, Gallagher?

Finally gonna win this time, Goff.

College entrants only today, it was on the website.

Or don't you have internet down at MLK charter?

What's the matter, Goff?

You afraid a teenager is gonna kick the sh*t out of one of your half-assed bucket of bolts?

[Chortling] Your engineering can't compete at the black bot championship trophy level, Gallagher.

Who'd you steal your designs from this time?

Was it Carnegie Mellon or MIT?

Entry fee is 150, and we don't take food stamps.

This match, Scorpio Bot versus... The Impaler.

Let the battle begin.

Ooh! The Impaler strikes.

Scorpio Bot is down.

The Impaler wins!

Piece of cake.

[Upbeat music]

?

♪ gotta be up ♪
♪ gotta be up and on ♪
♪ 'cause nobody loves you ♪
♪ when you're wearing a frown ♪

? nobody loves you ?

[Chuckling]

♪ when you're wearing a frown ♪

?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

How am I supposed to swallow that?

Who said anything about swallowing?

She's always been a problem.

It's been a relief to have her out of the house these last months.

She was wrecking my marriage. Pull!

[g*nsh*t, g*n cocks]

You lied to me, Steve.

Yes, well-- but I thought--

You told me you were going to look after her.

Yes, well--

Pull!

I'm sure it's been difficult. She's a bright girl.

But I spoil her.

I grew up poor, you know.

I want her to have things I didn't have in the favela-- an education, food... a toilet.

Pull!

[g*nsh*t]

[Speaking portuguese]

I've arranged for Estefania to pursue an economics degree here at the University of Chicago.

I want her to be an American citizen, Steve.

When immigration comes... you will be her husband.

Pull!

Do you think you can do that for me, Steve?

Can I trust you?

Absolutely.

But that means you can't get into any trouble.

No stolen cars, no dr*gs.

How am I supposed to make a living?

Get a job.

And the slum girl--

Fiona, yes?

You can f*ck her all you want for fun, but you're a married man now.

She stays what she is-- a ghetto whore.

In this corner, the terror of Northwestern U...

Preda Raptor.

And in this corner, representing the South Side, Frank!

Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rum-bot!

[Rock music]

?

Next.

Thank you.

Let's battle.

Ooh!

Frank is in trouble early.

Fry the fucker, come on.

Ooh!

[Audience ohs]

Ooh!

Get outta there! Get out!

What are you doing?

Frank is hit!

Preda Raptor.

Go! Go, go, go!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Now.

Frank is on the run.

Oh, and it looks like Frank is down for the count.

Get outta the way!

Get out!

Go! Go!

I got it!

Preda Raptor, coming in for the k*ll.

[Cheers and applause]

All: [Chanting] Preda Raptor, Preda Raptor, Preda Raptor, Preda Raptor, Preda Raptor!

[Cheers and applause]

He did it! He... did... it!

We have a new champion.

[Crowd chanting "Frank"]

Welcome home, Mr. Duncan.

Jack!

Jack!

Just keep walking.

No trouble?

They just waved me right through.

El Gran Cañón in person.

El Gran Cañón, your new nickname.

You're already a legend.

18 balloons.

We've never had more than eight up one ass.

You have more coke up your anus than any drug mule in cartel history.

It's like taking a sh*t backwards.

Ex-Lax. Normally, I would say take two, but for you, maybe the whole box.

[Engine starts]

[Engine revs]

[Pop music, indistinct chatter]

Awesome.

Tuesday the 15th.

$1,000. It's all there.

No, I'm sure it is.

But, you know, look.

Promoting a new night is difficult.

I should've explained to you--

I want the club.

You've got a bunch of kids at home.

I don't think that you should--

Do I have the club or not?

Okay.

You're on the calendar.

Okay, hey, grab two.

All right.

Hey, beautiful! Dinner's almost ready!

Oh, Jesus, Jimmy!

You always gotta monitor Carl when he's online.

Okay.

Sure. I'm sorry.

What the hell were you watching?

History Channel.

Dinner!

Where were you all day?

I was, you know, running errands... this and that. How was your day?

Remember Meg from the club?

She's gonna give me my own night to promote.

That's great!

[Cheering]

You won?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, nothing left but smoke and metal and bruised geek egos.

Yeah, plus 400 bucks cash prize for first place.

Thought I could help out a little bit with the property tax bill.

Do you want me to run the payment down to the post office before school?

No, I got it.

That's still daddy's spot. Anything at the hospitals?

I forgot to check today, Debs. I'll call after dinner, okay?

All right, here we go, guys!

Dinner's served. Can we make way over here?

Thank you, Billy!

[Overlapping chatter]

It's like a miniature rover, pretty much, with battery power, and then we put a helium laser on top.

It's like cage fighting, like octagon--

[Talking stops]

[Whispering] Daddy.

Daddy!

[Talking resumes]

[Grunting]

[Packet hits water] [Sighs]

♪ Well, I've been fooled ♪
♪ I fooled around ♪
♪ no sense to lie ♪
♪ about where I'm bound ♪

19!

Thank you, Sheila!