03x06 - Cascading Failures

[bunniefuu]

Don't know where the f*ck you were last week, but here's what you missed on Shameless.

They're digging out the sewer main in a few days and shutting the water off.

What about Aunt Ginger?

Let me spell this out for you.

The city digs up some bones, the police show up.

You buried a body and you stole from the Federal Government.

You will never get out of prison.

"My dad is gay for your brother" thing, it's, like, on film loop in my brain.

I'll be back for dinner. Buck up, kiddo.

No biggie, just my universe falling apart.

We are literally digging up a body.

Walk away.

Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?

Hey, what did the doc say this morning?

I need to know the truth. Can I have a damn baby or not?

What about a surrogate?

You two take it from me when it comes out.

Yes, mama.

It will be our child. It will be your grandchild.

You know the guy you b*at the sh*t out of?

He wants me to sneak into his mansion and take all of his crap.

Don't know what you see in that geriatric viagroid.

He isn't afraid to kiss me.

I can take care of you at home.

No, you can't.

Get in the car. Debbie, get in the car.

I love you, Debbie!

Operator, can you connect me with Child Welfare Services?

I would like to report a negligent situation.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Britney Sturgess from Child Protective Services.

[High Strung's The Luck You Got]

♪ ♪
♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪

[Train horn blaring]

[Dog barking]

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, what the hell's going on?

Department of Family Services is taking us away.

They what? Can they do that?

It won't last, Debs. I promise.

What was it last time? A week?

Nine days.

Aw, 20 bucks says we're back in five.

Can I get their placement addresses from you now?

Not until the intake interviews with the children are complete.

Who reported us?

[Engine starting]

Come on! Who was it?

[Sighs]

Frank.

[Footsteps approaching]

Frank. Frank.

Frank.

I'm off to my hypnotherapy appointment.

I need you to watch Hiram.

I'm kind of in the middle of something here, Sheils.

Where's Jody?

He's working at the tattoo parlor.

Marking idiots with ink so the rest of us can recognize them.

Frank, you have tattoos.

Point well taken.

So-- and if you're doing laundry, can you put some of Hymie's onesie's in?

Might as well. You're both covered in pee-pee.

[Hushed laughter]

[Shushes]

There you go, buddy.

I just want you to know that my dumping you and leaving town... is in no way a reflection of my feelings toward you, Hiram.

I just gotta lay low a little bit in case they find Ginger's body in my backyard.

[Exhales]

[Sighs]

[Plates clattering]

Oh, sh*t! I got a shift in ten minutes.

Yeah, go to your shift. I'll take care of this.

I wasn't sure I'd see you again.

Yeah. I wasn't either.

I'm gonna see if I can get one of the evil cock gobblers to cover my shift so I can get over to the DFS and start tracking down the kids.

You guys okay?

Oh, yeah.

Ain't our first time at the rodeo.

'Cause Liam's still cute and little...

[Babbling]

He'll go to some loving home with people who really want a family, but waited so long their egg batter rotted so they can't have one of their own.

And Debbie can Carl will be placed together because...

Because the State always tries to keep siblings together.

And Lip and I can handle whatever foster nut jobs we end up with.

Remember that last guy with the, uh... was it the f*cking bathroom peephole?

Oh, yeah.

Well, this time's gonna be a little different.

I've placed Liam and Carl together, but Debbie unfortunately has to be placed separately.

All by myself?

And, Philip and Ian, you're too old to be placed, so you're going to a group home.

Like a whore's period. Late again, bitch.

You're wasting your talents, Patty.

You should be tweeting this crap.

[Knocks on door]

You're late.

I know. I'm sorry.

Look, I kind of have a family emergency and was wondering if I could skip my shift today?

Would you look at this? It's filthy.

My back is filthy.

'Cause you haven't washed it.

So why should I wash yours?

Look, I just need a couple hours to get to the Department of Family Services.

They yanked my brothers and sister from our house this morning, and I just gotta find out where they are and make sure they're safe and not with any psychos or anything, please.

Sorry, but if you can't get anyone to cover your shift...

You know as well as I do none of these b*tches are gonna cover for me.

I still have that video of you and I have no problem sending it to your wife.

Yeah, and I have no problem going to DFS to tell them you steal from the register and show up high every day.

Your word against mine.

Actually, the girls will back me up.

And I'm gonna want you to quit so I don't have to pay you unemployment.

f*ck you, Bobby.

Tell you what, you, uh, tickle the balls a little bit and maybe I'll write you a letter of recommendation.

It really puts the "home" in "group home."

[Baby babbling]

[Dog barking in distance]

It's only gonna be a couple days, okay?

Every Gallagher can handle that, right?

I'll take care of Liam.

Yes, you will.

Hey, Debs.

See you soon, all right?

Hey.

Good day, gentlemen.

My name is d'Andre and this is Gunderson House, a Level 14 boys group home housing underage D&Ds in the Chicago system.

Is that "Dungeons and Dragons"?

"Delinquents and deviants."

Follow me.

This will be your primary residence until we figure out which one you are.

Your wallets and cell phones will be in my care until you've proven to me that you can follow the rules.

So it's like prison?

It's up to you.

You will be given an opportunity to earn back your money and your cell phone privileges.

Gee, thanks.

You would do well to shut your mouth and keep your eyes open in here.

[Clears throat]

The county database says that you're available for placement, but I'm concerned there are too many children in your care.

I'm sure there's some kind of limit.

[Kids talking indistinctly]

These ain't cats, honey. They're kids.

They need someone to take care of them.

That's why the Good Lord put me here.

So I can take in all his babies don't nobody else want.

[Laughs]

Come here, sweetheart.

Come on, I'm not gonna bite you.

[Laughs]

You're a blessing.

Mama Kamala is truly blessed to have you.

Yup.

It's only for a few days. I'll be okay.

Um, this is my number.

If you have any questions or, you know, if you just want to talk about anything, you can call me any time, okay?

Okey-dokey.

Bye-bye, now.

Rule number one.

No sitting on the good furniture.

This is the good furniture?

Rule number two. No sassing. You hear me?

Let me look inside that bag. Give me that bag.

Make sure you ain't got nothing in there to get you in trouble.

Why are you standing there eyeballing me?

Get busy minding them kids.

Hi. I'm Debbie.

Laronda.

You ain't getting your bags back.

I know.

And what's your name?

We want to be completely honest with you, Carl.

We have been looking to adopt a bi-racial baby for quite some time.

And when they called about Liam, we were over the moon.

And then the State told us about you.

And we want to try to keep you two together.

So let's give this foursome a try.

Which one are you again?

I'm Cassius and this is Lanier.

So you guys are gay?

Yup.

Yes.

Does, like, sh*t ever get stuck on the tip of your d*ck?

Yeah.

Uh...

Gallagher?

I was hoping to see Marilyn.

She's been our caseworker the last couple of years.

Well, the turnover rate in our field is quite high.

It's really a wonder Marilyn lasted as long as she did.

So how can I help you?

You can give me the addresses where the kids were placed.

I already told you, I can't give out any information about the case until the intakes are complete.

Come on. Marilyn always used to give me the info, just so I can know they're okay, and can get them stuff, like books or clothes, or whatever.

Well, that is a clear violation of policy on Marilyn's part.

Hey. I know you think you're helping, but as someone who has been in and out of the system their whole life, I can tell you it's a nightmare.

These kids have a big sister who loves them, and I just want to make sure they're okay.

So give me something, Britney.

I mean, break a g*dd*mn rule.

I can tell you that I placed two together in one foster home, and the girl in another.

And the two older boys are in a group home.

The one on Hester?

No. They're in a Level 14 on Richmond.

Thanks.

Hey, if I can find one family willing to take in all the kids, could they be placed together?

In theory, yes.

Stella been in yet?

What's with the bag?

Uh, going fishing for a couple of days.

I heard Stella's pulling a long haul up to northern Canada.

Hoping to hitch a ride.

Fishing? You gonna use your tiny d*ck as a worm?

I've caught some big whales with this little worm, yourself included there, Moby.

Hello, Stella. How are you, sunshine?

What the hell do you want?

Oh, you know, same as you.

Free p*ssy and a life on the road.

Could I hitch a ride?

Where you headed?

Anywhere but here.

k*ll somebody?

No, no, no.

But I did bury her.

Could always use some company.

I'll meet you here tomorrow morning before I pick up my load.

A couple of boilermakers to take the edge off the long haul, huh?

I don't drink before I drive.

I end up ramming smart cars in the ass just for shits and giggles.

[Laughter]

[Camera buzzing]

[Beep]

V?

Upstairs!

Making a video for one of those do-it-yourself websites online.

Pays 150 bucks.

This one's on a high colonic. Next week I bleach my exit ramp.

DFS took the kids this morning.

Oh, sh*t.

You think you and Kevin could talk to your foster caseworker about taking them in?

Five Gallaghers in my house?

Just for a couple days.

A week, maximum.

Lip and Ian got placed in a Level 14 group home.

Level 14?

For kids that light their parents on fire, or s*ab them in the face while they're napping on the couch.

Well, you're over 21 now.

Can't they just release them to you?

I'd have to file for guardianship.

[Groans] Five Gallaghers.

I'm gonna be the lone black dot on a map of Ireland.

[Hip-hop music playing]

♪ ♪

You been in a group home before?

It's always like this?

No, last place I was in was an actual home.

This is more like a f*cking labor camp.

Yo, give me your cash.

What?

Give me your cash.

Now. Come on.

Hey, Salvador, check it out.

It's that chick from the movie Brave.

He your boyfriend?

No. Brother.

I'm Lip. This is Ian.

We don't want any trouble, all right?

We're just passing through.

Long as you show respect, you're gonna be fine.

You're like a f*cking cockroach.

Able to live anywhere and feed off anything.

Lemonade, man.

[Exhales]

[Cries]

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

[Door opens]

Jimmy?

Darker.

Hey. Talk to your caseworker?

Unfortunately, yeah.

Two reasons why we can't take in your brood.

One. The fact that you had a foster child in your home that ran away under your "supervision."

Two. Technically, the investigation's still pending as to the quality of your care.

The quality of my care?

You're saying her running away is my fault?

Oh, you know what?

Do not get all up in my grill, sister girl, okay?

Well, it was worth a sh*t.

Now what?

Gotta kick it into high gear.

Figure out where the kids are staying.

Get the house ready for home inspection.

They're gonna require a fit parent to get the kids back, so I'm hoping to find Monica so I don't have to deal with Frank.

Why does it always come down to Frank?

[Sighs]

Carl, it's dinner time.

Carl?

Where is that boy?

Oh, I'm gonna pound your f*cking hole.

Yeah. Oh, that fucker's going up your ass.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Why don't you get those pants off so I can eat your f*cking hole?

Why do they all have moustaches?

Out. Now.

That was an invasion of our privacy and we won't have it.

You are not to touch things that don't belong to you.

Now sit down.

Am I allowed to touch the chair?

Don't be smart.

What the hell is this?

Kale, brown rice, and tofu.

Your body is a temple, Carl, and you only want to put things in it that are natural.

Like fists?

I saw it in that movie.

[Sighs]

[Clears throat]

[Christian TV's 1,2,3 Turnaround]

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do ♪
♪ do, do, do, do, do, do ♪
♪ do, do, do ♪
♪ I race my feet, I miss a b*at ♪
♪ throw my seat ♪
♪ don't care, get off my back ♪
♪ I make a sound, I wash it down ♪
♪ around so round ♪
♪ get off, don't touch my stack ♪
♪ come step outside to sh**t me high ♪
♪ 'cause I'm about to cr*ck ♪
♪ 1, 2, 3, turn around, don't you watch me now ♪
♪ just turn around ♪
♪ touch your knees, don't look, just turn around ♪
♪ do it now, do it now ♪
♪ walk right through that door ♪

[Bottles clinking]

Holes in your backyard have been filled.

[Bottle opening]

Hey, grandma, it's Fiona...

Gallagher.

Yeah. Yeah, it's been a while.

Yeah, I was just wondering if you by any chance... maybe know where my mom might be?

Your daughter.

Monica.

Yup. Yeah, I figured.

But I just thought I'd try.

Okay. Thanks.

[Sighs]

Now what?

With no Monica, I kind of have no choice.

I gotta find Frank.

Get him sober and ready to appear in court.

[Chuckles]

He's like my sad-ass Obi Wan Kenobi.

I can help you with that.

That's a pretty nice offer considering how much of a d*ck I was to you about your dad.

No, you're always a d*ck.

Seriously, I don't mean to be an assh*le.

It's just... genetic.

Yeah. You're not wrong.

I need to suck it up about my dad being gay... and a liar.

And I need to get over it. And I am.

I'm good.

Silver lining?

Huh?

Finally have the house to ourselves.

I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling it.

You mind if we just lay here?

Yeah. Yeah, sounds nice.

What is this stuff?

It's pus from your mother's monkey.

Thought you liked the taste of that.

What's your problem, dude?

Nick, Salvador, find another table.

Come on, chop-chop.

Proof of your employment came through, so you go to work today.

I need your employer to sign this, times in and out.

Understand?

You know, I'm actually pretty excited to get out there.

Start looking for work.

Nice try.

You have court-mandated community service hours you owe.

Yeah, but only a few.

Then I can get out there and start looking for work, so I can become a contributing member of our great, capitalistic society.

You think you're better than everyone here, don't you?

Oh, that's-- that's rhetorical, right?

I mean, you don't actually want me to answer that, do you?

Cute. See, I could smack you across the face.

But I think it's better I get out of your way.

Let life bend you over instead.

Dude thinks he's in an episode ofScared Straight.

Ethel really f*cked up our kid credit.

Yup.

Now we can't even get a foster kid?

Anybody can get a foster kid.

I think it's a sign.

Jerry Sandusky could probably get a foster kid.

It's a sign we need to step it up in the surrogate department.

Look, we just did the baster thing with your mom.

Let's just see if it works.

Mama always pukes the morning after she gets knocked up.

As a kid, it was like watching someone take ipecac, you could set your watch by it.

My super "spermazoa" too much for her?

Spermatozoa. I don't think it worked.

We need to try something else.

Frank?

God damn it, did you sleep here last night?

Guilty.

Stella here yet?

Oh, come on. I'm not helping you up.

Get up.

As of right now, you are officially on the wagon.

DFS made a surprise appearance and the kids got pulled.

It's time for your father-of-the-year act.

Oh, my God. Are they all right?

I'll tell you what.

Let's meet back at the house and we'll get this all settled.

Looks heavy.

Why don't I carry this back to the house for you?

But I need it for some errands I'm going to run a little--

Back at the house now, or you'll lose your kids and the welfare checks that come with them.

I go to the house, the city finds Ginger's body.

I'm toast.

I found Ginger and I tossed her bones.

You're safe.

Oh. That's great.

Not for you.

You don't do exactly as I say, and I'll rat you out about Aunt Ginger's checks and your fake disability.

You don't have the balls.

Jesus Christ!

I need you to do this! Can you just do this?

I'm sorry. Did you just say you need me?

Yes! I need you to get your sh*t together and get the kids back.

Well, seeing as how you need something from me, maybe I need something from you.

For starters, I would like to be shown the respect which I deserve.

I believe I'm already doing that.

And this one is non-negotiable.

I want free roam of my own house.

Fine.

We're gonna go visit Lip and Ian in the group home.

God knows what they've been dealing with in that sh*thole.

And then we go find your lawyer.

He has a lawyer?

Don't worry, Liam.

Soon as I steal enough stuff from these guys, we're outta here.

[Rock music playing in car]

I spent some time here.

That summer mom was sent away for knifing a poodle.

Hey! I missed you guys.

Oh, yeah!

How you holding up?

Aw, we're fine.

The place is a joke.

They still serving that rotten porridge?

He already on the wagon?

Oh, why do you have to say that?

As of right now. You out on furlough?

No, I've gotta work. He's gotta finish parole hours.

You guys want a lift?

No, we gotta get our bus passes signed by the driver.

You find Debs and the boys?

Not yet, but I will.

Do you need anything? You need cash? Clothes?

No, no. Look, don't worry about us, we're fine.

Worry about him.

Where's my hug?

[Laughs]

I'll wash, you dry.

[Sneezes]

Grab a cup of kool-aid from the table.

Hey, strawberry shortcake!

Get on in here and cut my toenails!

[Groans]

Okay, um, take over.

Come on, come on.

I mean, there's just no privacy.

If I wanna jack-off, I gotta do it in the bathroom.

Can't even begin to imagine what a p*ssy you'd be in juvie.

[Laughs]

You f*ck anyone in there yet?

God, no.

Wise choice.

Even if you're propositioned, it's probably just a setup.

Guys want to find out if you're gay and pound the sh*t outta you.

And not in a good way.

Great.

Hey, my dad took my brothers on a run out of town for a couple days, so you wanna ditch that dump and crash at my place, you can.

Was I just invited to a sleepover?

f*ck you, is what you were invited to.

[Laughs]

Fiona here? She's not home.

Are you okay?

Did you foster parents hurt you?

'Cause I will--

No. We ran away.

Honey, you can't stay here.

The police will come looking for you.

We're with these two gay robot guys and they keeping talking about how they want to swipe Liam.

Honey, you gotta go back.

I know what it's like to have a foster kid run away on me.

Come on, I'll take you.

What if they really want to keep Liam?

The only reason why they would want to keep him is if they want him, so be sure that they don't.

Be creative.

Can you at least hold some of my stuff?

What stuff?

[Clattering]

Jesus, Lou!

[Laughs] When did that happen?

It's not mine.

Get to the point, Frank.

Who's this?

My daughter and her girlfriend.

Who's in trouble?

DFS snatched my kids.

I need you to get them back.

Catch?

I have no money and no promise of any coming my way any time soon.

Okay.

First order of business, you need to get your ass to DFS.

You need to file a petition to reinstate custody and you're gonna need to dig up that useless wife of yours, Monica.

It's always better to have signatures from two shitty parents instead of one.

What if we can't find her?

Well, find someone that looks like her.

And you're gonna need her to take parenting classes.

And I'm gonna go ahead and get the case filed.

And then I'll see you at the hearing.

In the meantime, no dr*gs, no booze.

No poppy seed bagels.

I need your piss clean and your eyes white.

Thanks for the phone call.

You know how hard it is to find a public phone?

Ian managed.

Then I had to track your ass down through the city.

Sorry, I've been busy.

Molly's mom showed up at my house.

Oh, she's still alive?

Turns out Molly's a runner.

What, you just let her take her?

Oh, I was supposed to stop her?

I don't know, if she ran it was probably for a good reason, no?

Or not. I used to run away all the time when I was little.

My point exactly.

My dad's out of town for a few days and I told Mickey he could have the place.

Can I stay with you?

I got to play it straight in this group home for a bit.

Maybe I can sneak you in tonight though.

Promise I won't get g*ng r*ped?

Nope.

Whatever, I'm in.

Why are you eating candy before dinner?

'Cause it says here that dark chocolate has an amino acid that doubles your sperm count.

I didn't read that one, but mama says asparagus and garlic does the trick, so tah-dah.

If I eat all that, my piss is gonna stink for a month.

And mama's bringing over oysters.

But we gotta think of a better delivery system than the turkey baster.

Squirt g*n.

Kind of messy.

What about a straw? Silly straw?

Jacobs.

Here.

And Weston.

Weston!

Here.

All right, good night, you shits of Chicago!

Pricks of Illinois!

Have fun.

How did you get the private room?

I made some friends.

Is this what it's gonna be like when you sneak me into your dorm in college?

A little different.

I'm guessing my dorm mates would be literate.

You are out of your mind.

Have you seen that f*cking ponytail?

It's a powerful ponytail, man. That's bullshit.

Segal could totally kick Van Damme's ass.

Oh, unless-- unless...

It's Double Impact Van Damme.

'Cause that's some Van double Damme!

[Laughs]

I wanna f*ck Van Damme.

[Movie music playing]

♪ ♪

Both: Are you out of your f*cking mind?

Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, not sex.

What is the difference?

It's clinical.

So no one enjoys it.

Millions of sperm d*ed in that turkey baster.

This will deliver the biggest batch.

The bigger the batch, the better the chance.

Uh-uh. No, honey.

This is an express bus to The Maury Povich Show.

[Chuckles]

I want nothing more than to be able to give you the baby that I know you want.

And the grandbaby that you deserve.

But I can't. And it kills me.

Please, just give it a go while you're still ovulating.

[Groans]

What kind of hard liquor you got and how much?

[Exhales]

Damn, it's hot up here.

That's because heat rises.

Then how come space is so cold?

[Knock on door]

[Gasps] I got it.

Who's at the door?

[Door opens]

Hey.

Hey, uh...

Who's at the door, baby?

[Gasps]

No! Frank, no!

Wait.

You-- first of all, get out! Get out!

Just hear me out.

You are not allowed in here.

Get out!

DFS pinched my kids.

I need you to pretend to be Monica to help me get them back.

What? No! No! Why should I do anything for you?

You left Hiram all alone.

I am begging you.

As someone who knows what it feels like to lose a kid.

Karen ran away.

Can you imagine what it must feel like to have them taken from you?

This isn't for Frank, okay?

It's for Debbie and Carl and Liam.

Maybe you should do it, Shelly-bear... for the kids.

[Sighs]

[Exhales]

[Grunts] Give it up, Kev.

You can't make it dark enough to deny what's about to happen in here.

I wish I was drunk as you.

No, I can't risk the whiskey-d*ck.

Okay, let's get this going.

[Laughs]

Shh! Knock it off, mama!

Hey, wait, wait, wait. What's with the KKK costume?

I saw them use something like this at that super jewey wedding I went to last year.

It keeps the skin from touching. Acts as a barrier.

I feel like a ghost prost*tute.

You know, like that Jennifer Love Hewitt show.

You seen that?

You know, where she's, like, a call girl for ghosts or some sh*t.

No, that-- it's two different shows.

All right, you two ready?

Yeah.

No! Let me get the hell out of here first.

I can't watch this part.

You-- you okay out there?

Yeah, I'm fine. How are you?

You need any help?

No, I'm fine. I'm fine. Thank you for asking.

Ooh. Why she didn't cut me a mouth hole?

How am I supposed to-- whoa! Hello! Ooh!

Looks like I got a visitor down there!

Ooh!

God damn it.

Whoops! Ding dong ditch.

Somebody rang my bell and ran away.

I feel like I'm f*cking Casper.

Hey, you know, it's getting seriously hard to breathe under here.

Can I take this off my face?

No! No!

[Birds chirping]

Can you dump Frank at DFS?

I gotta drop some stuff off for Carl.

Yeah, not a problem.

Let's go, Frank! Showtime.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

_

_

Been a while since I've been in.

Maybe I need a new picture.

We had a bad meth run last year and you know what that stuff can do to you.

They've got a website and everything.

Well, now that you've filed your petition to reinstate custody, we'll need you to sign up for parenting classes.

Parenting classes?

Good.

Also there may be some random drug tests and we'll need to set up a home visit prior to the possible release of the children.

So I will get the class registration.

I'll be right back.

f*cking big brother.

I don't want any g*dd*mn parenting classes.

What are they?

You sit in a room and they lecture you how to be Ozzie and Harriet.

I was thinking maybe I could figure out where I went wrong with Karen.

Kids come pre-wired, it has nothing to do with your parenting.

I pretty much like being a blonde.

I feel like cotton candy.

Hi.

Uh, my name's Fiona Gallagher. I'm here to visit Debbie.

Is she here?

Are you her mother?

Sister.

I just want to say hi. May I see her?

I just want to talk to her!

Hey.

Do all your talking out here.

I'm gonna need her back in 15 for chores.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are there a million kids in there?

Just a few, but they're really nice.

And Kamala's not so bad.

Bed's pretty comfortable and there's hot water.

[Sighs]

I brought you some books and clothes.

Do you need any money?

Nope. I'm good.

[Zipper]

When do you think we can go back home?

Soon. Real soon.

I brought you some Hershey's Kisses too.

These were like gold when I was in my first foster home.

Thanks.

[Breezy pop music]

♪ ♪

Hey, I got your brother's working papers for today.

Oh, great. I'll give them to him. Thanks.

Where is he?

Uh, latrine.

He's been there most of the night.

Turns out eating diarrhea can actually give you diarrhea, so...

Signed. In and out.

And I better see him at lights out.

That's it, Liam. Big circles.

[Urine tinkling]

[Doorbell rings]

Please, come in.

Carl! Liam! You have a visitor!

Hi there, I'm Lanier.

Hey, Fiona Gallagher.

[Baby babbling] Fiona!

Hey! Look at you two!

Hey!

Wow, you look so clean.

Yeah, they make us take baths every night.

And they have this weird toilet that cleans your bits.

A "bidet."

[Laughs]

Sometimes in the summer we use a whacky lawn sprinkler for that, but...

[Laughs] we gotta watch the spinning arms, right?

We gotta watch those spinning arms.

Please, come. Have a seat.

It's nice to see that the boys have someone who loves them.

We're glad you came.

But just to make it clear, we have filed the paperwork to adopt Liam.

And we're seriously considering adopting Carl too.

But please know that we'd love for you to stay in contact and visit as often as you'd like.

We think it's important for the boys to know where they come from.

Why is my seat wet?

Oh, no, Liam. Did you pee on the couch again?

Was that you? And the wall too?

Liam, that is a matte finish!

How the hell are we gonna get that out?

It's just paint, honey. I can touch it up.

Now which color is that now? Summer shadow?

He's just a baby. He didn't mean it.

Babies are just so messy.

[Baby babbling]

Did you do that?

Did you do that?

A boat.

All right, I gotta get to work.

All right, just-- in a minute, okay?

Wanna do the honors?

Is that a rosary for giants?

No.

Huh?

No.

No, man, they're Ben Wa beads.

You shove them in my ass and you pull them out real slow.

How is that fun for me?

Come on.

All right, okay. Just easy on the injured cheek.

I'll just go on the other one, all right?

Yeah.

Relax.

[Grunts]

[Both grunting]

f*ck.

sh*t.

What the f*ck?

[Electronic music]

Dad! Dad! Hold on! Hold on!

Mandy wasn't enough for you?

Dad, hold on!

f*cking piece of sh*t! Piece of sh*t!

Huh? Huh?

Get the f*ck off him!

[Both grunting]

No son of mine is gonna be a g*dd*mn AIDS monkey!

Sit your ass down, you f*cking ass-digger!

[Groans]

[Grunts]

[Groaning]

It's Terry. Send over the Russian.

Okay, role play.

All right, Monica, Frank.

Okay, Monica, you play the teenage daughter.

And, Frank, you be the father disciplining her for staying out after curfew.

Um, where the hell were you so late?

I was f*cking mom's boyfriend. What do you care?

You're nothing but a little tramp, you know that?

Just like your mother.

You know what, if you weren't stealing from her, maybe she wouldn't have to screw every Tom, d*ck and Harry--

That bitch gave me herpes!

As far as I'm concerned, I deserve every single dime.

She did not have herpes.

She f*cking well did too.

How was that?

That one.

She's gonna f*ck the f*gg*t out of you, kid.

Ride him till he likes it, Suka.

And you're g*dd*mn gonna watch.

[Grunts]

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

[Grunts]

♪ ♪

[Grunting]

♪ ♪

How many more times are we gonna have to do this?

Until we complete the mission. Now, come on, baby.

You're Luke Skywalker and it's up to you to sh**t one in and destroy the Death Star!

Okay. Where's the sheet?

No. No, I couldn't breathe last time.

Well, we gotta put a Guantanamo hood on her or something.

I don't know why I can't drink.

Okay, shut up! It's hard for all of us.

So both of you, shut up!

Now everyone get in your positions.

[Snapping fingers]

All right.

[Sighs]

Oh, come on, man!

Don't do this, you piece of sh*t!

You get hard when you smell pork chops.

Yelling at it is not gonna help.

Come here.

Oh, there we go.

Ow!

Come on, you piece of sh*t!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! God, baby! You can't do that.

You're gonna build up calluses and I won't be able to feel d*ck.

Well, right now, no one's feeling d*ck!

You think this is easy?

It's all my fault!

You can't make the little soldier salute if he doesn't see an officer in the room.

[Cries]

I've lost all my stripes.

Mama, this is not about you losing anything.

[Cries]

It's really me. I'm under a lot of pressure.

No.

It's all me, mama.

I haven't had a date in months!

I'm old and fat and unattractive and I'm gonna die alone.

No, mama.

[Cries]

Well, this is not helping me get hard.

[Cries]

[Sighs] It's like when a plane goes down.

What do they call that?

Shitty?

No, it's never just one thing that causes it.

It's a chain reaction.

Cascading failures. That's what this feels like.

Losing my job, losing the kids, dealing with Frank.

[Sighs]

Someone recently told me to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself.

[Chuckles]

She sounds like a bitch.

Well, she has her moments.

Legally and morally there are acceptable methods of punishment for children, versus unacceptable methods.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Just hypothetically, if one's teenage daughter gave birth to a baby with Downs Syndrome and then took off, relieving her of all responsibility, if and when she should come back, would you recommend grounding?

Or in that instance would a firm spanking be more...

You know, before we take any more questions, let's just go over some of the basic...

Would you give me a Valium?

No, I only have one.

And it's my safety net in case my hypnotherapy doesn't work.

Hypnotherapy is just paying to nap in someone's office.

Give me a pill.

It's gonna show up in your urine test.

Give me the g*dd*mn pill.

What's the matter with you?

What this does is it puts the responsibility right on the child.

Okay. Come on.

Your job as parents is to define the rules...

Here. Christ.

And then lay out the consequences that will follow when those rules are broken.

Now the child breaking the rules is then responsible for his or her own consequences.

And this method actually leads to empowerment and helps him or her feel more in control of their own lives.

How is she still ovulating? What is she, part bovine?

Shh. Focus on me.

Mm.

Yeah, now you're gonna pretend like you're in high school and you're gonna come quickly like a rabbit, okay?

Ooh, yeah.

No, not that quick.

Mama, get in here!

Mm.

[Grunts]

No. Not there, honey, no.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

You gotta shoehorn or something?

Can you not talk, please? Just don't say a word.

[Cries]

Are you crying? Oh, God, she's crying.

Please don't cry. I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry, mama. Hey, hey, hey.

Okay! That's it!

We're gonna do this sh*t and we're gonna be done with it.

Kev, get that d*ck hard.

Mama, wipe your tears and focus!

We need to give those little spermies someplace happy to swim to.

Lay down!

[Groans]

Mm.

Mama, get on it.

Mm.

Mm. Mm!

[Muffled groaning]

Aah!

Mm.

Uh-huh.

Ooh!

Mm! Mm! Mm!

[All passionately moaning]

Hi.

I'm Monica. What's your name?

Frank, wasn't the last time I had to pee in a cup when I was pregnant with Liam?

Remember that? It was just like yesterday, huh?

Oh.

Uh, sorry, the shower ran out of hot water.

Mama, you want Kevin to take you home?

Well, he can't drive with that leg.

No, but he can get you home in a taxi.

It's the least we can do.

Well, let me get my bag.

[Knock at door]

Hey, Carol.

Hey, Fiona.

Any work at the salon?

Uh, not right now, baby.

But I'll keep you in mind.

Thanks.

[Door closes]

What was she doing here so early?

She slept over after she and Kevin had sex.

What?

Mama's the best surrogate we got.

Turkey baster didn't work so we had to do it the old-fashioned way.

Jesus, V, I'm so wrapped up in my own pity party, I had no idea what kind of biblical sh*t you had going on here.

You okay?

If it works, I'll be fine.

How's Frank doing in rehab?

So far he seems to be holding it together.

Heading over to DFS now to make sure he got all the paperwork in.

What's with all the asparagus?

You know how popeye gets all big and strong when he eats his spinach?

Mm-hm.

That's what asparagus does for sperm.

Hm.

You again.

Me again.

Just wanted to make sure Frank showed up and all our paperwork was good to go.

He did. He passed his urine test with flying colors.

And yes, your paperwork is all set.

So now we just wait for a hearing?

Yeah.

You've done good, Fiona. You are a great sister.

And those kids are lucky to have you.

How did we show up on DFS radar?

It was an anonymous phone call, actually.

[Chuckles]

I bet it was that bitch we turned away from daycare 'cause her kid stunk.

Um, no.

It was a man, actually.

A man?

It's never a man. Men don't give a sh*t.

How is it fair that someone can make one call and completely ruin our lives, and they get to be anonymous?

I have to go to the restroom.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't click on this file while I'm gone.

Frank: Yes, hello, I would like to report a negligent situation.

2119 North Wallace.

Gallagher.

Female: And what's the situation?

Frank: Six kids living in squalor.

No parental supervision.

When the father is there, he's drunk.

He hits them. Not that they don't deserve it.

They're all criminals, delinquents, vile--

Female: - Excuse me, sir. Frank: - What?

Female: Could you give me your name, please?

Frank: No. If it's all right, I would like to remain anonymous.

Female: Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

Frank: No. Thank you. And God bless you.

[Leave The Light On by Hannah Cartwright & Ross Tones]

♪ Don't believe the lies ♪
♪ your echoing heartbeat, echoing heartbeat ♪
♪ keeps our time ♪