03x09 - Frank the Plumber

[bunniefuu]

I-I don't really know what happened on Shameless last week.

Call once you find out.

I'm home now.

Mandy, I know you're seeing Lip.

But like I told him, I think it's great.

You knew Karen was in town, didn't you?

If you've got a problem with me being here, just say so.

I have a problem with you being here.

What do you want?

Take your clothes off.

Plumber's apprentice. I can do that.

Do you have experience?

I fixed our toilet.

You shook the handle. Well, here's a good one.

Barista at the coffee beanery.

Jimmy. Andy from med school.

You remember Adam Britt, Nick Stathis, Mark.

We're grabbing dinner tomorrow night.

You should join us.

She's gonna f*ck the f*gg*t out of you, kid.

And you're g*dd*mn gonna watch.

Karen?

[Gasps]

You told me you came home to be with Hymie.

But you told the Wongs to come take Hymie.

Dead bolts, front and back.

Frank's not allowed in anymore.

Frank, I'm Chris.

Would you be my sponsor?

My previous sponsor moved out.

What, he lived with you?

Yeah.

I'm sorry. Let me introduce myself properly.

Frank Gallagher.

Night, Frank.

Good night, Christopher.

[Claps]

[High Strung's The Luck You Got]

♪ ♪
♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

What do you think?

Great for a coke orgy, not for an office job.

This is my nicest dress.

No, I know.

I didn't say that it wasn't nice.

I just said you can't wear it to an office.

You said "coke orgy."

You okay?

Uh, yeah, just tired.

Didn't sleep well.

Take a nap later.

Naps are for kids and college students.

I gotta go to work.

You sure I can't--

100% sure.

[Baby squeals]

Hey, you got an extra one of those?

You're gonna be late!

Got nothing to wear.

Gonna see what V has.

Is your new job at a strip club?

Ha, ha.

I wasn't kidding.

It's a temp office job, so I don't know how long the day's gonna be.

I expect all of you to help Jimmy with dinner and get your homework done and generally avoid setting the house on fire.

Overcompensating.

She feels guilty for turning us into latchkey kids.

What's a latchkey kid?

Hey.

I left some stuff here that I need.

Is it wrong if I just leave for school?

Later.

[Baby babbles]

All right.

[Squeals]

[Grunts]

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[Belches]

[Laughs]

♪ ♪

[Both laughing]

[Laughing]

What's funny?

Garfield.

He's always so hungry.

[Laughs]

What are you reading about?

A bunch of uppity queers claiming that domestic partnership rights are not good enough for them.

They get offended when you call them queers, Frank.

Calling people by their name is not, nor should it ever, be argued as offensive.

God almighty.

You okay?

No!

I'm a pauper, and somehow I got the king's disease.

Gonorrhea?

Kings don't screw whores.

They screw virgins or their nieces.

The king's disease is gout.

Big toe is throbbing like blue balls that no blowjob can ever fix.

You got any Percs or Vikes?

No, but I could call my doctor, see if she can fit you in.

She's super nice. Korean. Small fingers.

No, thank you. Doctors are crooks, especially the Korean ones.

Never trust a culture that makes sausages from dogs.

Frank, I'm pretty sure that's r*cist.

Accurate is not r*cist.

Write that down in your AA journal.

Hold on. You work for the city.

Yeah.

We live together.

You cook for me, clean for me, shop for me.

That makes us family.

Oh, Frank, I'm touched.

We qualify for domestic partnership rights.

I can use your insurance, go to the lady doctor with the small fingers for free.

No. No, no.

Those laws do not apply to us.

Why not?

Why should our heterosexual proclivities prevent us from collecting our due?

That is heterophobia, and I won't stand for it.

You won't?

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Write that down, Christopher.

You mean everything you said?

No.

Well, how much of it did you mean?

I don't know-- I mean, I meant a little bit of it.

You know, I think there's some things that we could stand to talk about, but mostly, I just--

Was in douche land?

Not my choice of words, but--

Why does Karen Jackson still have pictures of you on her Facebook page?

I have no f*cking idea.

Well, if there's nothing going on between the two of you--

Mandy, I don't go on to Facebook, okay?

'Cause I don't give a sh*t about whose pet just d*ed or who just checked in at the f*cking McDonald's.

She's a skanky, manipulative bitch.

You should un-friend her.

Also, you have an appointment this afternoon with the alumni rep from MIT.

It's 3:30 here.

What?

It's a good thing.

It means you got past the first round.

Yeah. No, no, no. I know that.

But, um, I never applied for MIT.

Yeah, you did. Also Carnegie Mellon, Northwestern, Columbia, Stanford, and Penn.

Come on, I can't be late today.

Whoa, wait. Hang on.

You applied to all those schools for me?

A few fallbacks, too, just in case.

No, no. Wait.

This is perfect. Where did you get this?

I used to do the sexy librarian thing-- glasses, hair bun, the whole bit.

But you need hose. Those offices pump in the AC.

Oh, nah. I'm warm-blooded. I'll be good.

Kev, do guys get PMS?

Are you asking me if I bleed from my nuts once a month?

I'm asking if guys get their own version of--

I don't know, hormonal bullshit.

Nope.

Yes, he does.

Do not.

Remember when you broke the TV remote last month for no good reason?

It wouldn't f*cking work. That's a good reason.

We get weepy. They get angry.

Jimmy doesn't seem angry exactly.

He seems quiet.

Oh, God. Stop.

Would you stop right there?

We get quiet for one minute, and you guys think that we're obsessing about the relationship.

And all we're thinking is, "I wonder if there's any more cheese."

You mean we make you smarter than you are?

No, no, no.

You make us more interested in you than we are.

Oh, don't mind him.

He's just mad 'cause somebody cut off the tip of his penis when he was too young to defend himself.

V, don't start that sh*t!

What are we talking about?

Whether or not to circumcise our baby.

Are you-- wait. Is your mom--

No, no one's pregnant.

And if somebody were pregnant, it still may not even be a boy.

But if it is a boy--

If it is a boy, you gotta circumcise.

I mean, have you ever seen one that's uncut?

You don't know what's going on up in there.

It does not make you want to go downtown.

And you want your kid to get his share of head, right?

Thank you!

Or not? Crap. Sorry.

Thanks for the suit. Gotta go.

Bye. Love you. Okay.

[Door shuts]

[Knock at door]

Morning.

Morning, Jody.

Fiona said you guys were gonna watch Liam today?

Uh, I gotta work.

But it'll be good for Sheila to watch him.

Sheila, Debbie's here.

I gotta go, babe. Sit up.

Sitting up's a real good start.

I, uh-- I gotta go.

Sheila, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Of course, I'm-- I'm fine.

Fiona said you were gonna watch Liam today.

Yes, that's fine.

It'll be nice to have a baby.

Good morning, mom.

[Sighs]

Hi, Karen.

Hey.

Have you had any breakfast?

[Sobbing]

[Snaps fingers]

Yo, chief.

I asked for a bone-dry cappuccino.

This isn't bone-dry.

Oh, so you're talking about, like, the kind of bone that's been left out in the sun?

'Cause living bones are 35% water, and they bleed when you break them.

Are you freaking kidding me?

No, not you, man. Sorry.

Coffee shop boy is giving me lip. Hang on.

Dude, when I spend as much for a cup of coffee as a gallon of gas, I get it how I want it.

Remake it bone-dry, dirt-dry, f*cking desert-dry, okay?

Do it now!

Very sorry, sir.

We'll take care of that right away.

Just do it.

I don't understand. You really don't get why I have a problem with this?

No.

Really?

No!

Ian, do you get why I have a problem with this?

Not getting in the middle.

Why are you being such a d*ck about this?

Those applications are 90 pages long.

It took me forever to fill them out.

Walk the f*ck away.

Wow. You're--

What? I'm what?

You're not my mother.

You're not in charge of who I talk to or who has a picture of me on Facebook.

And you're sure as sh*t not in charge of if I go to college!

You think he's right?

Men are never right.

That's why women were invented, to think for you assholes.

I mean, look at Mickey, marrying some whore he knocked up.

What?

Men are weak and stupid, even the good ones.

I mean, especially the good ones.

And I'm not gonna watch Lip f*ck up his life the way that Mickey's f*cking up his.

[School bell chimes]

Hey, Sheila, I made you some cinnamon toast and coffee.

Cinnamon toast and coffee always makes me feel a little better when I'm down.

It's just, you have to sit up to eat it.

[Sobs]

Come on, Sheila.

Sit up. You'll feel better, I promise.

[Sobs]

You the temp?

Yeah, hi. Yes. Fiona Gallagher.

Nice to meet you, Fiona. I'm Connie.

We're all on a first-name basis here.

It's a family-run company, real friendly place.

Okay, great. Thanks.

Follow me.

You'll be covering for Maria.

She's a cold caller in our marketing department.

And last week, Friday, she was having cramps, but it wasn't her time of the month.

And I told her not to ignore it, but did she listen?

Appendicitis. She barely made it there in time.

Honest, it was about to burst. And then who knows?

Wow, that's--

Yeah, so, if you're having cramps on your left side, and it's not your time of the month, you shouldn't ignore it, or you could very well die.

That's good to know.

Isn't it?

You can drop your bag there, and I'll show you around.

Okay.

That's the copy room, the warehouse, the kitchen, treadmill, water cooler.

That's the fridge. Anything with a label on it belongs to somebody else, except for the yogurts.

Margie never labels them because everyone just knows she's always on a diet.

So if you know what's good for you--

Stay away from the yogurt. Got it.

But the donuts on the table are fair game.

Fair game as in free?

We all take turns buying a box.

But you're a temp, so you can just have one.

That's the bathroom, women's room.

Once you get settled in, you'll be making calls from this list.

And you'll read from this script.

It's real simple. You'll start here.

And if they say this, you say this.

If they say this, you say this.

You get the idea?

You're calling customers who haven't placed an order for a while.

So if you get a bite, you transfer them straight away to sales by pressing this button.

They'll close the deal.

So, uh, I'm the fluffer and they're the happy ending?

I'm sorry, uh--

I have a lot of brothers.

All right.

I'll be over there, if you have any questions.

[Sighs]

What do you mean, living together for a year?

What kind of a rule is that?

We call that rule a law.

Well, it just so happens, I was mistaken.

Christopher and I have been living together for a year, well over a year.

Sir, if you just let me explain--

And just because my name isn't on the utility bill, that is no reason to deny me my basic civil rights.

Sir, I'm just trying to explain to you what we have--

My partner has been working hard k*lling dogs for this city for close to a decade.

You k*ll dogs?

Animal control.

I know my rights.

Sir, I cannot award you domestic partnership status unless you have proof that you are and have been financially and emotionally interdependent partners for over a year.

Joint tenancy documents verifying--

I know my rights.

Do you not understand that I get 150 of you people in here a day spouting this same sh*t at me?

"You people"? What can that mean, "you people"?

Oh, no, we're not like that.

You're not like what?

We are not the kind of people you can push around with your h*m* rhetoric.

Where are you going? I'm still talking!

I'm going on break.

That's my civil right!

f*cking-- let's go.

Hi, this is Fiona from Worldwide Cup.

We've noticed that you haven't renewed your order in a while.

And I was wondering if I could transfer you to our sales dep--

Oh, no? Huh.

Well, that's really shitty.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I had a mailman at home like that, a real seedy dude.

It looked like he was casing the joint every time he dropped off a package.

I got so fed up, that I called the post office and, you know, I had them take him off my route.

Now we have this great lady, Josephine, really nice.

I bet if you call and complain, they'll switch him out for you.

But either way, they'll want to hear about it.

Great. Yes, I will transfer you now.

Good luck.

[Clears throat]

Hey. They had a rude delivery guy, so I--

I heard. It's just-- if they say this, you say this.

If they say this, you say this.

You stick to the script.

I got it.

Sorry. It won't happen again.

Okay.

[Cell phone ringing]

Hello?

What?

Oh, yes, Debbie is home sick from school today.

Thank you.

[Sighs]

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm just not into this setup.

I look weak.

It's gimp p*rn, babe.

You're supposed to look weak.

Am I also supposed to look fat?

Jeez, you sound like a woman.

Maybe it's because someone cut off part of your manhood when you were too young to defend yourself.

I just don't want to do the gimp thing.

Do you know how expensive a kid is, Kev?

Sack it up.

[Phone ringing]

Hey, Fi.

Hey, can you pop over to the house and see if Debbie's there?

I don't know if she's really sick or if she's skipping or what.

All right, I'll go check on her.

But you have to go to dontcutitoff.org

What?

I'm serious, Fiona.

Go to that website and see if you stand by your "I want my son to get his share of head" argument.

Do not do it, Fiona. dontcutitoff.org, promise. Promise!

Okay. Okay, okay. I'll do it.

All right, bye.

[Sighs]

[Rock music]

_

[Gasps] Oh, Jesus.

Oh.

[Shudders]

Hi, this is Fiona from Worldwide Cup.

Vote Paul Lashmet for a better Chicago.

Hope I can count on your vote.

Nice to meet you.

[Baby cries]

Can't you shut the baby up?

I could shove her up your ass and see if that does it.

You need to learn respect for your elders.

You need to learn to not be a total dickwad.

I have a plan to put Chicago back to work.

Hey. Hey. Over here.

I know you can hear me, Mr. Give-Me-Your-Vote!

You want to know what's wrong with this city?

You want to know what doesn't work?

My wife and I got married after three weeks of dating, and she turned out to be a bipolar drug addict-- easy-- who left me alone with six kids to raise, while my domestic partner, Mr. Christopher Collier, is a clean and sober, hardworking citizen of this country.

I think he deserves the same rights as a woman who would abandon her children.

Thank you, sir. And I will consider your situation.

Don't you turn your back on me.

Oh, don't you worry.

I'm a citizen of this country.

I live in this city.

My partner works for this city.

But because we're not married, which the law doesn't even allow, I might add, I am not allowed to share in his insurance benefits.

Which means for me, it's stand in the line at the free clinic or suffer.

That's not only unfair and unchristian, it's flat out un-American.

I'm a citizen.

Where are my equal rights?

Fix that, Mr. I-Want-To-Be-Mayor.

f*ck.

Thank you so much.

I'll transfer you now.

[Cell phone chimes]

[Sighs] _

I like this color.

Kind of cheers you up just looking at it, right?

It does.

Sometimes when you're feeling really bad, if you make yourself look better on the outside, it can start to make you feel better on the inside.

My mom calls it, "taking it from the outside in."

[Phone ringing]

[Mumbles]

[Phone ringing]

Jackson residence.

Debbie, you were just supposed to drop Liam there.

Why aren't you at school? Are you sick?

Uh, code pink.

Monica's home?

No, no, no.

Code pink at Sheila's.

I'll explain later, okay?

Fine, explain later.

But you're in big trouble.

[Sighs]

What's a code pink?

It's nothing.

I was just trying to explain to Fiona why I'm not at school.

It's like a code word we have.

Oh, no. What time is it?

Are you skipping school because of me?

I didn't want to go anyway.

All anyone ever does is try to copy off me.

But no one wants to sit with me at lunch.

Everybody's mean. Middle school's stupid.

Mean girls suck.

My daughter's a mean girl.

I don't know how it happened.

It's not your fault.

But I'm her mother.

If how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I'm pretty screwed, right?

[Both moaning]

[Laughing]

What's funny?

It's just-- she applied to colleges for you.

Wow, I'm so glad my cock thrust up inside of you is holding your attention so well.

That's really nice for me.

Sorry, I just--

I don't get it.

Why don't you just dump her?

Less talking, more riding.

[Both moaning]

Is Mickey seriously getting married?

Yeah. Like, in a couple of weeks.

Jesus. To who?

I-I didn't even know he was seeing anyone.

Well, I don't think he was seeing her so much as he was doing her.

So why's he marrying her?

She's knocked up.

So? I don't get it.

What, is your dad making him?

I don't know.

Why do you give a sh*t?

[Indistinct chatter]

[Sighs]

Don't you turn your back on me.

I'm a citizen of this country.

My partner works for this city.

But because we're not married, which the law doesn't even allow, I might add, I am not allowed to share in his insurance benefits, which means for me, it's stand in line at the free clinic or suffer.

That's not only unfair and unchristian...

Holy sh*t.

It's flat out un-American.

Frank?

You know him?

Where are my equal rights?

You could say that. He's my dad.

I-- wow, that speech.

Your father-- I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

Oh, my God, I wish I could turn back time.

Turn back time? Why?

Some of the office b*tches may have narc-ed on you about the p*rn at your desk and the personal phone calls.

And by office b*tches, I might mean myself.

p*rn at my desk?

Oh, sh*t.

Fiona. Hi.

So Mr. Pratt is asking for a word with you.

Let me guess. He's the boss?

No, no.

He's one of the cousins.

Not the big boss, but he is a supervisor, yes.

Really, very sorry.

[Knock at door] Yes?

Hi. Fiona Gallagher.

The temp?

Oh, Fiona, yeah.

Um, go ahead and have a seat.

Go ahead, sorry.

So I've had some complaints about your language, a few personal calls on company time--

I have five kids.

They're my siblings, but I raise them.

And one of them skipped school.

So I'm sorry about the personal calls, but it was really only a couple minutes.

And I'm happy to clock out early and work late.

Oh, no. You don't have to do that.

There were some photos.

Yeah, the p*rn at my desk?

It wasn't really p*rn.

It was pictures of penises, but it was from a circumcision website.

See, friends of mine are trying for a baby.

And I had said a thing about how they should circumcise the baby so that girls will be more likely to want to-- uh, with their mouths.

Not on the baby, of course.

I mean once he's a grown-up.

sh*t.

Am I fired?

No, you're-- [Clears throat]

Sorry.

My silence here is not so much about disapproval as it is trying to find a way to participate in this conversation that won't leave me vulnerable to a lawsuit, 'cause I would like to say that I am a little shocked to learn that, um, circumcision, or a lack thereof, would affect a woman's willingness to--

[Clears throat]

I can't say that.

I can't say anything, really.

I've said too much already.

I'm so sorry. Please don't sue me.

I'm so sorry. Please don't fire me.

Deal. But, hey, I'm putting my foot down.

No more naked body parts at your desk for any reason.

[Both laugh]

sh*t. Sorry.

And watch your language, like you're in church.

Got it.

And also, you're doing a great job.

[Scoffs] I'm what?

I got a call from one of our sales reps.

You apparently convinced a high-volume customer that we thought we'd lost to re-up.

Something about a delivery man?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, anyway, great work. And keep it up.

Do me a favor. Don't go out there smiling.

You'll help me maintain that reputation as a hard-ass.

You have a reputation as a hard-ass?

No.

I really want one, though.

[Laughs]

Hey. Mm-mm.

What's this?

Payday.

Oh, sweet!

It's $218.

I worked 40 hours at $10 an hour.

That's $400.

Yeah, minus taxes.

Oh, and minus the free refills you've been giving your little boyfriend over there.

My what? No, that's my--

I barely know him.

He's here when you're here and he's not when you're not.

And you give him free refills.

You think I don't see? I see.

Phillip?

Scott Walker, MIT Alumni Rep.

We had an appointment at 3:30. It's nearly 4:00.

Right, yeah. Look, I'm sorry you came and waited, but I'm not interested.

You're not interested in MIT?

No.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was really curious to interview the kid with the 4.6 GPA who so blatantly plagiarized his application essay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I didn't plagiarize anything.

She plagiarized Nelson Mandela. Jesus.

She?

Yeah, my girlfriend wrote this application.

I'm guessing she Googled "good speeches" and picked one that sounded smartest to her.

I'm surprised she didn't go with "I have a dream."

Well, you sure you don't want to do the interview?

I'm already here.

No, thanks.

I hate Boston. Red Sox suck.

Okay.

It's unlikely you could have gotten in anyway.

[Laughs]

What is that, reverse psychology?

Let me guess, you minored in psych, thinking it would give you a leg up in business negotiations.

You may have a 4.6, but you also required a three semester senior year due to truancy.

And competition is pretty intense if you require a full scholarship, which I'm guessing that you do.

Wow, why don't you just go ahead and call me white trash while you're at it?

Competition's tougher at this level, that's all.

At this level. Jesus. Give me a f*cking pen.

Frank.

Frank. Frank, why?

Why would you? Why?

[Sighs]

My coworkers teased me so much I had to pretend that I was sick.

Then my mother called.

She almost had a cardiac episode she was so upset.

I only convinced her last year that I'm not gay.

It took me years, Frank, years.

Why would you do this?

Why, Frank, why?

The f*ck are you talking about?

You told the world we're gay!

It's all over Twitter.

It's all over Facebook.

It was on the 12:00 news.

What?

You're famous for being gay, Frank.

Are you gay? Are you, really?

[Phone ringing]

I am whatever I need to be at the time I need to be it.

Christ, write that down.

Mom.

Yes, mom, I'm talking to him.

No, mom, I am not-- mom.

Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.

Dude, I'm telling you, this is my car.

It has a kid's seat in it.

I don't give a sh*t.

Look at that chip right there, man.

That diamond-shaped scratch, I did that the night we had too many Jaeger bombs. Remember?

Hell, I still got the keys, man.

[Both laugh]

I found my stolen car, bitch.

Well, what are you waiting for? Call the cops.

I wouldn't do that if I were you. Sorry.

Passing by, couldn't help but overhear.

I'd just take it home.

Cops keep it in evidence for, like, a year.

You're right.

Yeah.

He's right, man. Plus, insurance already covered it, so this is, like, found money, bitch.

Why is that man driving your car?

Because it's stolen.

You let him steal it?

No, Beto. I stole it, back when life was fun and the world had meaning.

You gonna punish me for it?

You want to break another finger?

How about a toe?

Maybe cut off a couple earlobes?

Stick a fork in my eye?

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Saw you on the news, Frank.

About time you came out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have your fun. Just pour me a g*dd*mn drink.

Don't do it, Kate. We don't need his AIDS germs in here.

Screw you, Tommy.

You wish.

Are you really gay now, Frank?

What is gay, Kermit? Gay is a state of mind.

It is a mood.

Gay is when you part the ass cheeks of another man and use your d*ck as a divining rod.

Well, by that definition, no, then I'm not gay.

Then what are you doing going on the news, talking about gay rights?

I was trying to get insurance coverage.

Hey, Frank, how do you fit three h*m* on a barstool?

You turn it upside down!

[Laughter]

Kate, I leave it to you to rise above this h*m* rhetoric and offer me recompense in the form of whiskey.

It's only h*m* when they're afraid of you.

I'm pretty sure they just don't like you.

Come on, just give me a drink anyway--

You maxed out your tab, Frank.

Hey.

What does one gay say to another one going on vacation?

"Can I help you pack your sh*t?"

[Laughter]

Kermit, that joke is so hackneyed, you owe me a drink.

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a f*g?

The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!

[Laughter]

All: Oh, no.

[Clears throat]

Your insipid essay question asks me to tell you in 250 words about my most significant challenge in life.

Honestly, it's hard to pick one.

My guess is that you want to hear about my alcoholic father and my runaway mom or maybe about--

You would eat that sh*t up.

But those aren't my greatest challenges in life.

An education system that pretends to be a meritocracy--

What would you want to study at MIT?

Provided you could get past my well-meaning oblivion and the proximity of the Red Sox.

Robotics.

But none of that undergrad filler bullshit.

No 200-seat lectures taught by TAS.

I just want the sh*t out in front of me.

The sh*t?

Yeah, the tools, you know, the toys, the stuff I can't get access to in my ghetto high school.

Why?

Because I'd like to hang out with C-3PO in my lifetime.

And at the rate you're going, that sh*t's not gonna happen.

I'm not following.

You don't want to go to classes, you just want to play in a lab?

I don't want to sit in a lecture that teaches me how to modify algorithms instead of think for myself.

And?

Okay, the people working the weaving machines in the 17th century, you know, they didn't see the steam engine coming.

One invention. Industrial revolution.

I mean, Encyclopedia Britannica didn't see Wikipedia coming.

Great things don't happen in tiny little increments.

You know, they happen when someone thinks completely differently.

And all you geniuses, you just-- you're just modifying algorithms.

C-3PO, huh?

That dude's a badass.

You know, he's fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.

Give me the money.

What the f*ck? What the f*ck?

Give me your money.

Is that a toy g*n?

[sh*t fires]

Aah! f*ck!

[Rock music]

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

Aah!

[Horn honks] f*ck you!

f*ck you!

Aah!

Get in. We drink.

f*ck-- oh, God damn it!

[Speaking portuguese] _

[Music]

♪ ♪

Hey, f*gg*t.

I am not a f*gg*t.

And I could sue you for the use of the word.

Whoa, Nellie. I'm on your side.

Come on in. Let us buy you a drink.

Come on. I'm not gonna bite-- unless you ask me to.

♪ Bottoms up ♪
♪ bottoms up bottoms up ♪
♪ bottoms up bottoms up ♪
♪ bottoms up don't stop ♪

What's with him?

No idea.

He's been weird all day.

You, um-- you plagiarized Nelson Mandela.

Who?

The MIT application essay.

Oh, you think I should have wrote it myself?

No. I think you shouldn't have applied to colleges for me without asking me.

I did ask you.

I asked you, like, 100 times to get the applications in, and you ignored me.

For a reason.

What reason, that you're an idiot?

That you want to waste your life laying around in this sh*t-hole neighborhood forever?

You have any idea how much stuff I had to steal and sell to pay those application fees?

It was a huge pain in the ass, and I did it for you.

So you could be a little bit nicer about it.

You know, you might even want to say thank you.

Thank you.

[Both moaning]

Thank you. Thank you!

[Both grunting]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

May I transfer you to sales?

Thank you so much.

And you have a Worldwide day.

Hey, Fiona. You okay?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Mike's not such a bad guy once you get to know him.

Maria got an infection in the hospital.

She's gonna be out for at least a couple more weeks.

I-I was thinking of requesting you, if you're available.

Easier than training a new girl every day.

That'd be great.

Only thing is, Mr. Pratt, Sr.

Uncle Matt, we call him, he's kind of conservative.

He's a deacon at First Baptist.

I'm sure that outfit would have been great at your last office, but--

sh*t, really? [Gasps] sh*t.

Oh, f*ck-- mm. Sorry.

It's okay. Just button up a little bit and it'll all be all right.

[Rock music]

Please tell your father I'm a big fan.

♪ ♪

It's truth, you see?

What's truth?

That you are no good for Fiona.

What the hell do you know?

I know you are not meant for this life.

You are a rich boy, born with a silver spoon, eh?

It's okay not to be ashamed.

I am from the favela. Okay?

And now I have silver spoon. You can go that way.

But the other way?

[Scoffs]

That way is just misery.

Bitter. Resent. Miseria.

It's better you should go now, before Fiona and the kids get more, uh, what's the--

Attached.

Attached, yes.

Or before you and Fiona make a baby together.

'Cause after a baby, then it's misery, bitter, resent forever.

Men, we need space to think.

So walk, think.

This time, I will not follow you.

Thanks, man.

Hey, but if you break any laws, I will chop off both your hands, eh?

I got it.

You use that Mandela speech in all the applications?

No, mixed it up a little bit.

Couple of dead presidents and some guy called "Gandy."

Gandhi?

I don't get why you'd want me to go to MIT.

You know, Boston's pretty far away.

I thought maybe you'd take me with you, but--

But what?

No one's ever been as good to me as you have.

You're better than this neighborhood.

You're better than anyone I've ever met.

And you deserve to get out-- even if you don't take me with you, which I never really thought you would anyway.

So is it true?

You're getting married?

So who is it? Is it Angie Zahgo or some other piece of trash you screw so you can pretend I don't matter to you?

Hey, what the f*ck, Gallagher?

[Glass shatters]

Oh, he speaks!

So that's it. We're over.

Your dad beats the sh*t out of us, and you're just gonna get married, no conversation?

Nothing?

Get the f*ck off me.

Oh, you want to f*g bash?

That make you feel like a man?

Come on. Go ahead! Do it!

[Grunts]

f*ck.

[Gasping]

You love me, and you're gay.

Just admit it, just this once.

Just f*cking admit it.

[Grunts]

[Coughs]

You feel better now?

You feel like a man?

[Groans]

[Grunts]

I feel better now.

Oh, just the man I was hoping to run into.

I can't see you anymore.

I'm with Mandy now.

Sorry, I, uh...

I shouldn't have started up with you again.

You're not serious.

She's good for me, and you're not.

And, uh... yeah, that's all.

What about boys?

What about them?

Well, do you like any?

None that like me.

I'm not pretty like Fiona.

My teeth are messed up, and my chest is flat.

You know, they have special bras for that.

[Door slams shut]

Hey.

Hey, Karen.

Um, is there anything to eat?

Mom?

Jesus. What-f*cking-ever!

[Clatter] Hey!

[Stomping upstairs]

What did she do that's so bad that you won't talk to her?

She wrote the Wongs and told them to take Hymie away.

She told them I was crazy and that I had Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and that I was bad for the baby.

I do have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but I-I've been working really hard to treat it.

And my meds have been really working.

And I am a little crazy, but I'm not bad for that baby.

That part's just not true.

Sheila?

Yeah, honey?

I've seen crazy, and I've seen bad for kids.

You aren't either of those things.

You're super nice.

I've made a lot of mistakes.

Then say you're sorry.

Because if Monica came back, said she was sorry, and stayed... I'd forgive her.

I would forgive her for everything, because she's my mom.

I'm so... sorry your mom left you.

But you-- you know it's not your fault, right?

Do you know that? It's not your fault.

[Crying]

[Lighter sparks]

[Cell phone ringing]

Who's this?

Hey, Mandy.

It's Karen Jackson. I just wanted to call and say thank you for applying to colleges for Lip.

What?

My mom kind of sucks these days, so it'll be awesome to have somewhere new to go.

And all I have to do is poke one hole in a condom, and he'll do whatever I say forever.

I mean, we learned that from last time.

f*ck you.

Oh, you mean, like, all three of us?

Yeah, I could be down for that.

Do you want me to ask Lip next time we do it?

♪ Aren't you the one who tried to hurt me ♪
♪ when you said good-bye? ♪
♪ Did you think I'd crumble? ♪
♪ Did you think I'd lay down and die? ♪
♪ Oh, no, not I ♪
♪ I will survive ♪ Oh, yeah.

All: ♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪
♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪
♪ I've got all my life to live ♪
♪ I've got all my love to give ♪
♪ I will survive I will survive ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah!

Yeah!

Jesus. Oh. Whoa.

What's an Adam's apple matter if you can blow like that?

[Laid-back music]

♪ ♪

Hey. Hi. You want a blowjob?

I'll give you a blowjob for $10-- or a rock. Do you have a rock?

I give really good blowjobs.

[Siren blaring]

Are you sure you don't want one?

Do you know how many nerve endings are in the foreskin of a penis?

I don't think there's a single guy who wishes he had more nerves down there.

Well, what if our son wants to be a transsexual?

They will need that skin to make him a proper vag*na.

Why is that even a question?

The gays brought the gift baskets, Kevin.

Look at all the gift baskets.

I'm saying, it's a possibility.

What's all this?

Frank told the world he's gay.

And the gay world responded with chocolate and cheese.

And good wine.

Wow.

Debs, school, why didn't you go?

Sheila was depressed, like, bad depressed.

Monica depressed.

Code pink.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

Is Frank really gay?

No. [Laughs]

Carl, it's a scam. It's always some kind of scam.

This scam tastes awesome.

Is this dinner?

Where's Jimmy?

I don't know.

Think he's still wondering if there's any more cheese?

[Laughs]

Try the moldy one.

I like the one with the holes.

Hey, put that down.

Wipe your mouth afterwards.

[Laughs]

What did Kevin say?

[Laughter]

[Indistinct chatter downstairs]

[Knock at door]

Come in.

Hi. Honey, hi.

Mom, I am not in the mood right now.

I'm sorry I was so crazy when you were little.

I-I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get my meds balanced.

And I'm sorry that I missed so many of your school events because I couldn't leave the house.

And I--

I'm sorry that I-I took up with your husband, even if you didn't want him.

It's just a-- well, just a terrible thing for a mother to do.

There-- there are so many ways I wish I--

I could have been a better mother to you.

I-I hope you can forgive me, Karen.

I hope we can start over, because I--

[Sobs]

I love you so very much.

I love you so much.

I--

[Text alert]

_

Okay, I'm sorry, mom. It's-- it's Lip.

He wants to meet at the park.

Oh.

Oh. Are you-- are you seeing Lip again?

I hope so.

Okay.

[Giggles]

[Horn honks]

f*ck you too. Stupid bitch.

[Knock at door]

Christopher!

Christopher!

Go away, Frank. You're drunk.

You need a meeting. Go away.

Christopher, why?

It was so good between us.

I'm sorry, Frank.

Mom says this is how it has to be.

No, Chris, wait. Wait, Chris! Ohh!

[Dogs barking]

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

So you like emergency medicine, right?

Hours suck. But, yeah, I love it.

And it's a shorter track than surgery, right?

Barely.

Incoming ambulance.

Serious head trauma, two minutes out.

All right.

How's the money?

The money's good.

And the saving people's lives is pretty great, too.

You mean, like, the adrenaline rush?

What's going on, man?

You thinking about going back to school?

You know, thought I hated med school, but U of M's looking pretty damn great right now.

Caucasian female hit and run victim.

Cracked skull and a thready pulse.

Ran two large bores of saline en route.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey. Bright.

[Chuckles]

Mr. Gallagher, when you're ready to rise, we'd like to buy you a meal and have a chat.

What'd you hit?

Girl at school.

Don't forget to check for hair behind the grill.

Call Manny about the windshield.

We've looked into your records, Frank.

You're an alcoholic, a derelict.

Not the kind of man we usually want on our side.

But you, my friend, have stumbled ass over Teakettle into the most significant moment in the history of the gay rights movement.

We both know that we're not second-class citizens, but there are a lot of people in this country who still need convincing.

And you are the missing piece in our puzzle.

You blue-collar, working-class, Irish-Catholic.

You have the ears of the people whose minds most need changing.

You also have dog sh*t on your face and no place to live, but we can fix that if you agree to work with us.

You've got my attention, Mr.--

Paige. Abraham Paige.

We'll clean you up. We'll house you.

We'll coach you.

Do you remember "Joe The Plumber"?

Heard of him? He's a personal hero of mine.

Well, you are gay Joe.

Frank the plumber?

No.

Frank, the father.

Frank, the son. Frank, the neighbor.

Frank, the face of the gay-rights movement.

Oh, jeez.

Oh.

Take it.

Ow.

Take it. This sh*t. Yeah.

Ow.

Take it, you little gimp.

Turn over. Mama's gonna give you an exam.

[Groans]

Take it.

Ow.

Take it.

Ow.

Don't you sh*t on my hand. You hear me?

Yeah. Ooh. Take it.

Ow.

Yeah.

Ah!

[Both moaning]