04x01 - Simple Pleasures

[bunniefuu]

My progeny has joined the ranks of the graduated.

You applied to all those schools for me?

A few fallbacks, too, just in case.

You're not my mother, you're not in charge of who I talk to, and you're sure as sh*t not in charge of if I go to college!

We've been banging like bunnies, and I can't get pregnant.

What'll you do?

Both: Are you out of your f*cking mind?

Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, not sex.

Wham, bam, thank you, mom.

What are you doing wearing my top?

Pheromones, I'm borrowing them.

It's the thing boys like about you.

You mean tits?

I think you might be a year or two off.

Are you gonna marry someone who screws guys for a living?

Who gives a sh*t? It's a f*cking piece of paper.

You love me.

Just this once, f*cking admit it.

I want to enlist.

When's the next bus to basic combat training?

Tomorrow morning.

Philip.

It's Lip.

It's just Gallagher now. Get on.

I was wondering if you'd seen Jimmy lately.

Any sign of conflict, things not going his way, and he just disappears.

Ow!

It's what he does.

Be a man.

Get onto the boat.

Can I just make one phone call to Fiona, please?

Last message, I promise.

Wherever you are, bye.

[g*nsh*t]

You the temp?

Yes. Fiona Gallagher.

Mr. Pratt is asking for a word with you.

Let me guess, he's the boss.

Not the big boss, but he is a supervisor, yes.

We sort of ditched the party.

Well, then you better behave yourself, because I am way too drunk not to invite you back to my tent right now.

They said if you don't stop drinking, you're gonna die.

So I'm just supposed to stop drinking so that you don't feel guilty?

You're supposed to stop drinking because you have children at home who love you.

What if I don't want to change?

Then I would know what I've always feared is true, that you don't give a sh*t about any of us.

[High Strung's The Luck You Got]

♪ ♪
♪ think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of♪
♪

♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of♪
♪

♪ ♪
♪ round up the friends you got ♪
♪ know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of♪
♪

♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of♪
♪

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪
♪ oh, you assume again ♪
♪ but you never left your hometown ♪
♪ when you had the chance ♪
♪ and I don't, I don't have your brain muscle ♪
♪ so I wrote it out in pencil ♪
♪ the marks can be erased ♪
♪ erased ♪
♪ erased ♪
♪ so when you move into the city ♪
♪ I'll send you open letters ♪
♪ for you to open, not to read ♪
♪ ♪

Hey, Carl.

Carl, hey.

You got any Bears stuff I can wear to the game today, like a hat or a jersey or something?

I got a "f*ck Jay Cutler" t-shirt.

It might have blood on it, though.

Thanks, but no thanks.

[Gasps]

Morning, sunshine.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Don't get too comfortable up there.

Ian's gonna want his old bed back when he comes home.

Where are you going?

Out.

On a Sunday morning?

Are those my boots?

Occupied!

I got to take a piss!

Go away!

Use the downstairs bathroom.

It's downstairs.

You're young. You'll live.

No, absolutely not. No more peeing off the balcony.

What the f*ck?

Carl!

Morning, Mrs. Babiak.

There's a toilet right there.

Mrs. Babiak doesn't need an anatomy lesson.

Please, Mrs. Babiak's got my 18th birthday circled on her calendar.

Use the toilet like a human.

Can I have Lip's old room?

No.

He's at college.

Seriously, cut the sh*t with the nature whizzing, or you won't live here anymore.

That pierogi-eating prune will call the cops.

And no, you can't have Lip's old room.

He's gonna be home in the summer and for holidays.

Oh, you going clubbing?

Hanging out with Holly.

Are you two gonna work the corner?

Shut up, zit head.

At least I got zits, no-pubes girl.

Okay, enough, both of you.

Cereal, brother.

You think you might be a little overdressed for Sunday morning at Holly's?

It's not like we're going to church.

You're watching Liam today, remember?

I haven't abused marijuana like the rest of you, so yes, I remember.

I have the Mike thing.

I said my memory's intact.

Whoa.

Big, yellow icy spot on the sidewalk.

I almost dropped the dip.

Spike must've chewed through his fence again.

My world famous artichoke-jalapeno dip.

Eddie loved it.

He used to spread it on his waffles.

Thanks, Sheila. It smells great.

[Sighs]

Why is she here again?

I don't care. Our laundry's clean.

Any new texts from Ian?

Uh, no.

You check your phone this morning?

Yes.

It's been almost a week.

He'll be back when he's back.

We should file a missing persons report.

We are not going to the police, okay?

He's 17.

We don't have to be happy about it, but I trust him.

No surprise he ran away from this gulag.

It's not like anyone gives a damn if any of us live or die!

[Sighs]

Liam?

I heard you the first 300 billion times.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

$270?

Prenatal visits aren't cheap, and Dr. Susie is cash up front.

What's wrong with the free clinic?

You want your baby mama waiting hours next to crab-infested hookers and toothless crackheads?

What happened to the 200 that I gave you last week?

Uh, ultrasounds, prenatal vitamins, and then I found this cute, little, black maternity number at Nordstroms, too.

See what I'm saying?

Hey, Kev, you got a Bears jersey I can borrow?

Mike's taking me to the game today.

Borrow as in I get it right back, or borrow as in you plan to keep it forever and forget it isn't yours?

Get it right back, promise.

You still staying away from hot dogs and unpasteurized cheese?

And no sprouts.

I know how you love to shovel it in at the Sizzler Salad Bar.

Honey, I was still doing coke when I was pregnant with you, and now you worried about me eating cheese?

All right, Carol, no Nordstroms, okay? Do you hear me?

No Nordstroms.

Sweatpants and Adele's old muumuus from Goodwill.

I'll stop by after church.

We can go shopping for some sensible shoes.

My feet are starting to spread.

In a month, I'm gonna be able to water-ski without the skis.

All right, thanks. Bye.

Bye, mama.

There's no way we can afford the maternity ward.

She's just gonna have to have the baby upstairs in the tub.

We can get Tinisha from down the block to help out.

Tinisha's not a midwife.

No, but she's had a shitload of babies.

William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

There's a player named after a kitchen appliance?

Was.

Your mom doesn't have health insurance at work?

No. And I would've never agreed to bang my own mom-in-law if I had known she wasn't covered.

You and Mike getting serious?

I mean, I'm not, like, falling in love or anything, but I like him.

The sex good?

I don't know yet.

First-date Fiona?

The girl who puts out waiting in line at the Wendy's drive-through?

Who told you that? Ronny Finnegan?

Ben Troutman.

Jesus Christ, you've done that more than once?

So nothing at all with you and Mike?

A little dry humping, a couple of hand jobs.

But no, he's my boss, so we're going slow.

Maybe they don't f*ck right away in the middle class.

It's definitely weird.

He doesn't, like, force himself onto me where I've got to decide if I'm gonna taser him or go along, like I do with the guys from around here.

Hmm.

Still nothing from Jimmy?

In the wind. Not a word.

Well, f*ck him. He was a p*ssy anyway.

And no Frank?

[Scoffs] Nope.

Oh, thank Jesus for small blessings.

You're better off without him.

No, he'll be back. Frank's a cockroach.

You can stomp on him, spray him, try and drown him, but he always comes crawling back up out of the toilet bowl.

Police Department.

Police!

Police!

Hands. Come on, hands!

Hands up!

Check this dorm.

Police Department!

Back room clear.

Police.

What, you don't think I saw you stash that?

Come on, hands.

[Indistinct chatter]

Police. Show us your hands.

Let me see your hands, come on.

Come on, pal, hands. Let's go.

Yo, hands out, now.

Frank?

[Door unlocks]

Hi, Mandy. Nice tam.

Thanks. How you been?

Good.

Ian's still missing. Have you heard from him?

Nothing?

Not even a call or a text?

Sorry.

So you want to know how Lip's doing?

Not really.

He's in college.

Good for him.

This is a bunch of bills, chink delivery menus, and press-on nail coupons.

What mailboxes you rob, the Dearborn projects?

Apartment complex over by Rush.

There's an ATM card.

Congratulations. It has no f*cking pin number.

What are you gonna do, rob the same mailboxes every day until they send the pin?

Hey, you...

This is all you made yesterday?

I give you everything.

220 bucks?

How many Johnsons did you squash?

17.

That's, like, 12 bucks a wank.

Who was at the door?

Debbie Gallagher.

What did she want?

She was looking for Ian.

You seen him?

Why do you care?

Don't.

She said Lip was doing good in college.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Yo.

Hey.

Hi.

It's time to go, Ron.

Byronic Heroes study group.

I have to stop by the lab first.

I'm building a new docking station for my Cloud City.

Now, Ron.

[Sighs]

Hey, so did you get the text about tomorrow's flash mob?

The what?

5:00, man.

Everyone's gonna freeze for exactly 60 seconds.

Okay.

We'll be on the second floor of the library in the back at 3:00 if you want to join us for our study group.

Um, we agreed to keep the group small.

We already have six people, so--

Lip can come, he's cool.

You know what, maybe later, you know, after work-study.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪
♪ well, I wake up early, sleepwalking to the train ♪
♪ headache from last night ♪
♪ 40-ounce for the pain ♪
♪ ♪
♪ the crime, well, sure, I tried to find ♪

[Knock at door]

Hi.

Fiona!

What?

Mike.

[Sighs]

[Exhales sharply]

Ugh. What is this, Saw?

On a Sunday morning?

[Chuckles]

Mike your real name?

Yeah.

I mean, Michael, but yeah, I'm Mike.

Ever steal a car?

What?

Ever burn your blood-soaked clothes in the yard?

Hi.

Yeah, hi. [Chuckles]

You ready to go?

Uh, yeah, absolutely.

[Kissing]

Uh, okay.

I'll be back around 6:00.

Don't set the house on fire.

[Laughs]

Just kidding.

[Mouths words]

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Just wait till my mom paints your face.

Not much virginity-bidding action on Sunday morning.

What are you up to now?

725.

Wow.

"Jumbojohnson"?

Guy sounds like he could be kind of scary.

[Laughs]

Or just really fat.

Can't be scarier than my mom's new boyfriend, Gary.

At least this guy's prepared to pay for it.

Anybody bid on me yet?

Uh, no.

But not surprising with the minimum bid you set.

$1 million?

You can only sell it once.

Makes it an extremely rare commodity.

Scarcity equals value. Basic economics.

You think I'm selling myself short?

Well, in your case, it's kind of false advertising.

By, like, a couple dozen dudes.

You're not really going to call that Jumbojohnson, are you?

Probably not.

[Sighs] It's not fair.

My Ret*rded brother is a year younger than me, and he's already sprouting pit hair.

Hey, you're lucky.

At least you can fool around and not worry about birth control.

[Scoffs]

When did you ever worry about birth control, Ellie?

It's embarrassing. I'm 13.

Come on, let's get slutty and head over to the arcade, troll for high school boys. That'll cheer you up.

[TV in background]

[Knock at door]

Door!

[Knock at door]

Door!

[Knock at door]

Frank?

Where is everybody?

Ian ran away, Lip's at college, Debbie took Liam somewhere with her skanky girlfriend, Holly.

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

Fiona?

Bears game.

She's banging some dude from work.

We get free cups.

[Sighs]

Well, uh, okay.

Good luck.

[Crowd chattering]

Mm. Great dip, Fiona.

Thanks.

Oh, it looks yummy.

Artichoke?

Yeah, and jalapeno.

Family recipe?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yo, Stick!

Catch!

Stick?

Oh, well, Mike was a bit overweight as a kid.

A bit?

If you pushed him over, he'd roll.

So when he started losing the weight, we started calling him Stick.

That-- that is not why.

And it's not "Stick."

It's "The Stick."

No, no. No.

Okay.

Don't tell that story, Jane.

So here's the deal.

Mikey's first girlfriend, Emily, from down the block...

Leave your brother alone.

She was this, like, ãscrawny, little girl until one summer, boom!

All of a sudden she's got, like, this smoking little bod.

Jane, stop it.

Remember? [Laughs]

Stop what?

I'm just telling Fiona about Emily and The Stick.

No!

So anyway...

No, come on.

Emily's this girl.

She's got legs, like up to here, and Mikey is this, like fat...

Don't listen to a word she says.

She's still just trying to get even with me for sending that clip in to America's Funniest Home Videos.

Well, that's 'cause that was not funny, Mikey, so...

A couple million people thought it was funny, Jane.

You were on Funniest Home Videos?

Yeah, she used to, when she was a baby, imitate our dog.

Mike, we have a guest.

Anyway-- so anyway, here's the deal.

So Emily comes over to use our pool, right?

And she's got this, like, itty-bitty, little bikini on.

All right.

I bet you remember, don't you?

All right. Okay. Chicken w*r!

Come on. Come on. Piggyback, come on.

I want to hear the thing about The Stick!

No, you don't. It's all lies.

All right, come on. Ready?

Yeah.

[Hip hop music]

[Screams]

Whoa! Here comes Marshall, streaking down the sideline.

Holy-- the safety's out of position!

[Cheers]

[All cheering]

Yes!

[All cheering]

[Overlapping shouting]

♪ ♪

[Singing softly]

Hey.

Hay is for horses.

Huh?

Can I help you with something?

Oh, my.

Yeah.

Well, you grab his feet, and I'll grab the top end.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Gentle, gentle.

[Thud]

Ooh, God!

Oh, my God, does he smell.

Headfirst, headfirst.

What about this as an under-- scoop under?

Oh!

Oh. [Sighs]

Frank, you're filthy! You're filthy!

♪ ♪

Jesus.

[Grunts]

[Grunting]

Wow.

[Gasps]

Did something just jump off him?

Bugs, I think.

[Arcade game noises]

3:00, playing "The Swarm."

There are only two.

We're not trolling for you and the baby biscuit, Ellie.

Only pervs are gonna want any part of that.

Which one should I like?

You like the one in theAutopsyhoodie, and I'll like the one with the wallet chain.

So what do we do, just walk over and talk to them?

[Chuckles]

No, honey.

We chum the waters, wait for the fish to bite.

[Laughs] [Game beeping]

Okay...

First stage. Here we go! Tear it up, y'all.

Ready, set, step!

[Laughs]

♪ oh, when they met under the summer skies, the summer skies ♪
♪ the seasons changed ♪
♪ our hearts will stay the same, yeah, stay the same ♪
♪ we got that burning feeling ♪
♪ start a fire yeah, start a fire ♪
♪ giving a shout, let's make it hot, come on, baby ♪
♪ we can hit the lights, make the wrongs turn right ♪
♪ we can smash the club, make the pop go raw ♪
♪ we're the love mystique we don't need no sleep ♪
♪ and it feels like ♪
♪ we could do this all night ♪
♪ we could do this all night ♪

Hi.

Hi. Debbie.

Matty. Matty.

♪ we got the keys to open paradise, yeah, paradise ♪
♪ it feels like ♪
♪ we could do this all night ♪

Come on.

Oh, no, no. I don't know how to--

[Chuckles]

? it feels like ?

♪ we could do this all night ♪

I don't know what I'm doing.

Up, down.

No, you're doing really good.

Yeah? [Laughs]

Better than me.

? come on baby we can ?

That's it.

You got it.

Up, down.

♪ we can do this all night ♪

Should we give him another bath?

Well, that's three already, and we're kind of running out of soap.

These are gluten-free?

That's what the sign says.

And vegan?

Soy cheese, yeah.

What about peanuts?

Uh, no nuts in the soy cheese pizza, but I can't promise the cook didn't put his nuts on the cheese pizza.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

You guys done with these?

Yo, you done with these plates?

♪ ♪

[In Spanish] What an assholes those students are, man!

[Sighs]

Amen, amigo.

Just a bunch of spoiled los muchachos de la madre.

Hey, you better not let Manny see you doing that.

Oh, what's he gonna do, fire me?

It's not like they're actually paying me.

Here.

? ?

Hey, you want to get together sometime, hang out?

You know, I got some decent weed.

Mm-mm. Sorry, but I can't, man.

I got to get home to the esposa y niño.

Right.

Andrew, uh... [Speaks spanish]

f*ck.

[Speaks indistinct Spanish]

[Speaks Spanish] Tomorrow, m*therf*cker.

You get something to eat?

What?

No. f*ck, no.

Tony brought him back.

He's been asleep the whole time.

I tried to wake him, but he's out cold.

Believe me, he's not sleeping.

Great.

Now this? Needles?

He's really sick.

Oh, he's sick, all right.

I don't think he can make it downstairs.

He won't be any trouble.

No.

I don't get a vote?

Not really, no.

I'm gonna call Kev, and he's gonna help me find a park bench somewhere far, far away to dump him.

He's dying!

No, he's k*lling himself.

There's a difference.

I can take care of him.

No.

Yes!

No!

Yes!

Fine.

But you brought him home. He's your puppy.

He makes a mess on the rug, you're cleaning it up.

Thank you, son.

[Pins crash]

[People cheering, laughing]

[Both laughing]

Yeah, whoo!

Is he yours?

Who?

The little kid.

Oh, no.

Brother.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I thought maybe he was, like, yours.

[Both chuckle]

No.

Do you-- do you want a-- do you want a ride home?

[Chuckles]

You have a car?

Yeah, yeah.

Not like a-- it's not a very nice one, but yeah-- yeah, I have--

I have a car.

Sure.

Cool.

I'm just gonna let you, like, finish.

All right.

Okay, just shut up.

[Laughter]

Wait, am I finishing myself here?

[Laughs]

No, I'll-- I'll help you.

Okay, good.

[Laughter]

That's gross.

For Christ's sake, just f*ck her!

[Laughter]

f*ck.

[Phone chirps]

Night, Debbie.

[Lettuce's Do It Like You Do]

♪ ♪

_

[Phone chirps]

? I need you ?

♪ all right ♪
♪ and nobody else ♪

[Giggles] _

? can do it like you do ?

_

? I need you ?

♪ I need you ♪

_

♪ nobody can make me smile like you do ♪

Oh.

You dirty, little cup boy.

♪ I need you ♪

Hey, up.

Hey, school.

[Sighs]

Wet dream?

What?

I heard you moaning in your sleep.

You're a Gallagher.

It goes with the over-sexed glandular Gallagher equipment.

What are you now, 10?

12.

Late bloomer.

It's natural. Nothing to worry about.

[Coughs]

The best way to stay ahead of it... is to masturbate a few times a day.

Masturbate?

Uh, enjoying yourself while you're awake.

Oh, jerking off.

Simple pleasures.

But never in the shower.

It can get on a washcloth and into your sisters.

That's how incest babies are born.

You know, son, I'm-- I'm sick.

I can't drink anymore, but my body still needs alcohol to function properly.

It's like oil in an engine.

The pistons just won't fire right without it.

Maybe you could hunt up some supplies for me?

Will you do that for me, son?

Help the old man out?

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

[Groans]

Mm.

Mm.

Mm-mm.

I'm sorry, baby. I'm not feeling so good.

Oh.

You want me to take your temperature with my big, red thermometer?

Mm-mm, my stomach.

Bad night.

Oh yeah?

Really?

You sure?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

[Door closes]

[Retching]

You know, I told you to throw out that leftover vindaloo.

[Retching]

Hey, V?

[Knocks at door]

You okay?

You want me to get you something?

A 7-up or a sh*t of tequila or something?

[Groans]

V?

I'll be out in a minute, honey.

Can you-- can you start some tea for me, please?

[Sighs]

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

You got to be sh1tting me.

There's something in my juice.

It's pulp.

We can afford pulp?

Yeah.

Getting a steady paycheck, courtesy of Worldwide Cup.

What?

Dad's upstairs.

So?

Are you gonna say hi?

No.

Where's my lunch?

You're each getting $3 to buy your very own school lunch.

[Sighs]

Four?

Five.

Fine, no problem. Five it is.

The Gallagher clan is flush.

We're creeping up on the poverty line.

Haven't quite dragged ourselves over it yet, but at least we can see it from here.

Hey, dishes to the sink.

It's more like six if you want chips.

How about we skip the chips?

[Gasps]

Good morning, everyone.

Morning.

Got a busy day today.

Gonna tackle the upstairs bathroom.

That'll be a challenge.

[Laughs]

Good thing I ate my Wheaties.

What's up with Frank this morning?

Still looks bad.

Yeah?

Do I have to padlock him in the room for the day?

I don't think he can get up.

I don't want him wandering around, going through my stuff, pawning the microwave and the TV.

What if he has to use the bathroom?

Don't forget to empty it when you get back from school.

I don't even think that's minimum wage, man.

There's got to be, like, a law or something, right?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure there is, but I don't think it covers hand jobs.

12 bucks a wank, that's what she makes on a f*cking good day.

Jesus, really?

I've been paying 30 at that Thai place.

Yeah, but that's 'cause Sasha charges the customers a sh*t ton more and then deducts all this stuff from the girls' pay.

Laundry, rent, janitorial, utilities.

She charges them for the purell and mouthwash.

They need a union to protect their rights.

Yeah, the International Brotherhood of Hand Wankers and Cock Suckers.

I'd love to see that sign on the side of a building downtown.

Why not?

Hey, it'd make one hell of a picket sign, though, huh?

"Whores United For Handy Jay Justice."

Wankers of the world, unite!

[Laughter]

You heard from Gallagher?

Frank? No.

I thought Frank was dead.

Not f*cking Frank. The other one, the redhead.

Ian? No, he took off.

What, did he owe you money or something?

Hello. Who?

Anybody know a Mr. Phillips?

No, sorry, pal.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, yeah.

Um, hold on.

[Changes voice]

Uh, yeah, this is Mr. Phillips.

[Chuckles]

Thanks.

Yeah, I'll be over later.

What?

Stan. He's sick.

I got to go to the home after work.

Who the f*ck is Stan?

The guy who owns the bar.

A legend among loan sharks.

Broke more kneecaps in his day than any other shylock on the South Side.

Hell of a guy.

To Stan.

Yeah, Stan.

To Stan.

To Stan.

How is that possible?

Well, when a man's penis goes into a woman's--

Yeah, I got that part. I mean, how is it possible now, after everything we've tried for the last two years?

Mother nature can be a tricky bitch sometimes.

What, did you think you were just gaining weight in your breasts while you missed your period?

I eat a lot when I'm under stress.

You've been under stress?

Watching my husband bang my mother?

Yeah, that's been a bit stressful.

Well, all of that's behind you now.

You're definitely pregnant.

This is good news, Veronica.

[Rock music]

[Children chattering]

♪ ♪

Good morning.

Secret admirer?

I guess so.

Maybe not that secret anymore.

Really?

Dave in Shipping saw you two at the Bears game yesterday, Instagramed a photo.

Everybody in the company follows him.

Were we doing something embarrassing?

The kiss cam, I think.

Morning.

Go Bears, huh?

Uh, I am almost done with the quarterly Midwest regional reports.

Can I get them to you after lunch?

No sweat.

Great. [Sighs]

What?

You've been working here three months as of today.

Wow, three months? Really?

That's great.

After 90 days, your full benefits kick in, medical, dental, pension.

Really? That's fantastic.

So now it's time for the talk.

The talk?

The 401K talk.

Have you decided which plan you'd like to adopt?

What's a 401K?

Your retirement savings plan.

You're eligible to participate.

Every month, you deposit part of your salary into your 401K, and the company matches it, tax-free.

Deposit part of my salary?

But the big decision is the asset allocation mix you decide to elect.

Money market funds, bonds, stocks, large cap, small cap, treasuries.

You decide the risk profile you're willing to take, get your elective deferral documents notarized, and you'll be all set.

Easy peasy.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

[Clears throat]

Hey, you're the helper guy, right?

The TA, yeah.

Yeah, I don't understand my grade on this paper.

That would be a D.

Yeah, no, thanks, I get that. Um, but why?

I mean, I misspelled Tennyson or something?

[Sighs]

Uh, yeah, I remember this one.

I graded it.

Oh, you-- you graded it, not the professor?

Tenured professors don't grade freshman class survey papers.

Okay, so if you graded it, what was wrong with it?

Uh, it sucked.

It-- it sucked?

Um, look, I-I covered everything the assignment asked for.

It was facile and glib.

You danced around and you tried to be clever, but there were no compelling insights or any attempt at original thought.

Oh, original thought on Byron's - Childe Harold's pilgrimage?

[Sighs]

Look, nobody's had an original thought onChilde Harold since Queen Victoria was still getting laid.

Look, this was crap, okay? You threw it together.

You thought nobody would notice, but I noticed.

Why are you taking this class anyway?

Because it was the only freshman English class available after noon.

[Scoffs]

Well, look, you got another week to add/drop before you're stuck in here, all right?

You don't want to work any harder than this piece of sh*t, I suggest you find yourself another course.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[Knocks at door]

Yo, Stan.

I hear you're not feeling so good.

Stan.

Stan.

Hey, what the f*ck, man? He's dead!

Which one?

Stan! Stan Kopchek!

Yeah. Sorry for your loss.

You family?

No-- yeah-- sort of.

Yeah, well, we're not supposed to tell people over the phone when a patient dies, so we usually just say they ain't feeling good.

[Video game beeps]

He's f*cking cold!

Joaquin, he ain't never show up for his overnight shift, so we don't know how long he's been laying up in there, dead.

You got a mortuary you need me to call for you?

Pick up the body?

[Video game beeps]

Hi.

How's Frank? You hear anything out of him?

No, no. No, not a peep.

I got the stuff you wanted, cooking spray, funnel.

I have these things in my throat that bleed if I try to swallow alcohol, so I have to figure out other ways to get it into my system.

You can't just stop?

No.

I get the shakes, very bad. I could die.

I have to stop drinking slowly, over time.

So we just hook up this handy-dandy contraption.

Alcohol goes in this bag, this goes up the poop chute, and voila.

More than one way to get booze into a Gallagher.

Do-- do me a favor, will you, son?

Go down to the kitchen and see what Fiona's got down there.

Beer, wine. The hard stuff works best, but anything even remotely flammable will work.

Hello.

Ho-- how you doing?

Good. You?

Good.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

You're pregnant? How is that even possible?

Well, that's what I said.

We can't afford to have two babies.

We're barely gonna be able to afford to have one.

Have you told Kev yet? What about your mom?

Oh, she gonna have to have an abortion.

I can't have her nasty, Kev-mama baby staring up at me, not with my own Kev baby on my hip.

I'll just end up hating the mama baby and accidentally on purpose run over it in the driveway.

[Laughs]

[Phone chirps]

It's Mike.

Ooh.

He wants me to come over to his place tonight, celebrate my three months at the company.

Oh, celebrate how, by having you sit on his face?

Yeah, something like that.

You really haven't slept with him?

No, but I probably should soon.

He's already well past the whole 2 grand in meals thing for me having to put out.

You make it sound like a chore.

I know, it's crazy, but he's my boss, you know?

I mean, what happens if we break up?

You already gave him a hand job.

I think you long past the "What if we break up" point.

Yeah, you're probably right.

You should go. I'll keep an eye on the kids.

I need the kid practice now.

Yeah, times two.

Ugh.

[Panting]

All right, well, I'll be--

I'll be back tomorrow.

I can tackle this whole kitchen area.

It may take a few days, but I will make this kitchen my bitch.

Now, good night.

[Door closes]

You hired Sheila to be your maid?

No, she's just been hanging around.

I think she's lonely.

Hmm.

So when are you gonna tell Kev?

Mm, I figured I'd give it a bit, see if this thing's still hanging around after a couple of months.

I haven't exactly been fertile ground for planting little, baby Kev seedlings.

You got to tell him, V.

It's not fair to keep it a secret.

sh*t.

What are you looking for?

I thought we had some wine left.

Did the two of us finish off an entire gallon of box wine the other night?

Hold it up nice and high.

Okay, open the valve.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

[People chattering]

? ?

♪ ♪

[Alarms beep]

♪ ♪

[Alarms beep]

[People chattering]

[Paw City's Canyons]

♪ ♪

Hey, babe, are you straight?

Yeah, I'm good.

Come here.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

[Laughter]

Oh, Christ.

Close the damn door!

Nobody wants to see that Mandingo sh*t.

f*ck!

? ?

♪ I'm swinging up ♪
♪ I want to see the canyons ♪
♪ I'm swinging up ♪
♪ I want to see the canyons ♪
♪ I'm swinging up ♪
♪ I want to see the canyons ♪
♪ I'm swinging up ♪
♪ I want to see the canyons ♪
♪ I'm swinging up ♪
♪ I want to see the canyons ♪
♪ I'm swinging up ♪
♪ I want to see the canyons ♪
♪ I'm swinging up ♪
♪ I want to see the canyons ♪

[Grunts]

Oh, f*ck!

Ah, f*ck!

[Grunts]

f*ck.

[Knock at door]

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I slipped.

Hurry up. I need to use the toilet.

[Maudlin music]

♪ ♪

Bless us, o Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive through the bounty of Christ, our Lord, Amen.

May the Lord provide for the wants of others.

♪ ♪

[Moaning]

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh.

[Sighs]

Oh, God.

[Sighs]

That was great. Thank you.

[Laughs]

You were great.

You are great.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Oh.

Hey, do you, uh-- do you need me to do anything-- something else for you?

What?

Well, you know, like, touch you or whatever.

[Laughs]

No. No, I'm-- I'm good.

That's really good.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go get that bottle of champagne that I promised you.

I've got to go home.

No.

It's a school night.

No, no, no. Come on, one glass.

That's not gonna k*ll you.

Plus, you know, the guy at the store said it was pretty good.

[Chuckles]

Just pretty good?

Yeah, well, really good is, like, a month of my car lease or something.

[Clicks tongue]

One glass. One glass.

One glass.

Yes.

[Sighs]

[Laughs]

[Car approaches]

[Both laugh nervously]

Well, thanks for dinner. I had a great time.

I love Panda Express.

Yeah, me, too. I do, too.

I like you.

[Laughs]

I-I like you, too.

[Both laugh]

[Sighs]

[Sirens pass]

Um...

Oh, is-- is that your dad?

Uh, no, a friend of my sister's.

He's nice.

Yeah, he-- he looks nice.

[TV in background]

I'm not sure, but I think Debbie's sitting out front in a car with some dude.

This dude lost, like, 200 pounds, and he still looks like a beached whale.

Oh, jeez. Look at all that extra skin.

You could cut it off and make a suitcase.

What are you doing over here?

Watching the kids while Fiona's out with Mike.

[Sighs]

Stan d*ed.

What?

[Sighs] They called me from the nursing home.

I got to go to the mortuary tomorrow morning and pick out a casket and all that stuff.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

So, good night.

Yeah. Yeah, have a good night.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

Hey, Debs.

[Sighs]

I'm pregnant.

What?

I thought you just said you're pregnant.

I did.

Holy sh*t, are you serious?

Yes, but we shouldn't get our hopes up.

Holy sh*t!

We're gonna have two?

Are you f*cking with me?

No.

Are you serious?

Baby!

I kno--

[Both laughing]

Baby!

Oh.

[Laughs]

[Bed rocking]

[Thud]

Carl.

[Bed rocking]

Son.

Probably want to go a little easier.

Hold it like an egg.

It's not working.

Maybe you need to give it a rest.

How many times is that today?

Nine.

Nine.

You're gonna wear the poor thing out.

What are you using for lubrication?

Lubrication?

You don't use lubricant, you get blisters.

Believe me, I know.

[Bed starts rocking]

Carl, how about when I'm not in the room?

You're always in the room.

Bathroom then.

[Door opens, closes]

[Sighs]

Come on, baby, just a taste.

I just want a little taste.

L'chaim.

[Coughing]

[Coughing]

[Sighs]

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey, where you been? Dinner's almost ready.

Costco.

Costco? Why?

I needed something.

♪ ♪