06x04 - Going Once, Going Twice

[bunniefuu]

Frank: Here's what you missed last week on Shameless.

Where you getting all this money?

Next.

Alibi voted "Best Shittiest Bar on the South Side."

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I've never been the best at anything.

Here's to the shittiest bar in the South Side!

[all cheering]

Fiona, if you don't want to have yours, that's fine.

If you love me, you will support my decision in having this baby, 'cause no one else does.

We made mistakes.

Mine wasn't a mistake.

I did this on purpose because I know what I want.

If you have this baby, I will not support you.

[engine revving]

I'm taking care of this once and for all.

Veronica: Make sure you cut the right cable?

Kev: Yes, there's only two cables.

The throttle cable and--

[screaming]

[metal crunching]

The brake cable.

Frank, what the hell is going on?

This is Jorge Mendoza and his clan.

What are they doing in our yard?

I rented it to them.

If we let you take the house, will you rent it to us?

Sure, call it $1,800 a month.

First, last, and deposit.

Are you kidding me?

[sighs]

[tires squealing]

Hey, you okay?

[coughing and choking]

Can you tell me your name, sir?

♪ think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪

♪ round up the friends you got ♪
♪ know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪

Surprise, it's me, again, cousin Fiona.

Hoping you can explain the eviction notice from the sheriff's department since we do pay our rent.

So if you can call us back when you have a minute, that would be swell.

Thanks, Patrick.

72 hours to vacate the premises.

What happened to our flour?

Debbie used it as an imaginary baby.

Yo, Chef Boyardee, any chance you can help Fiona deal with Patrick?

Or I can later.

What about cinnamon?

Huh?

I'm baking cookies.

Why?

For the fire house.

I think they deserve our support.

And today is the day to thank them?

I bet the Hondurans have flour.

You know he got into some sh*t at school.

I think he's pissed at me.

Please, he's been angry with me for weeks.

Get a hold of your cousin?

Fiona: Gonna have to get in his face.

[coffee pouring]

Well, I'll drive you.

You don't have to get involved.

I know.

Hey, you sure you don't need me?

No, go on your trip.

We have it handled.

Okay.

Lip's professor is taking him to an academic conference.

It's for fun.

She teaches critical theory, nothing to do with engineering.

It'll look good on your transcript.

Uh... "Conference on whatever."

The origin of feminist rhetoric in post-w*r Europe.

You need help with that, call me.

Got it.

Do we have any baking soda?

[utensils rattling]

Guess not.

♪

As a woman who's months from bringing a child into this world, you require a nest and since we're getting kicked out of our house.

You think that's actually happening?

Sheriff's department doesn't mess around.

Yeah, well, Fiona already said if I have the baby, she's throwing me out, so I don't even care if we lose the house.

I'm just gonna get a part-time job and save up money for my own place.

Ready?

No, no, no, no, listen to me.

Even with welfare, no way you pull down the kind of dough you'll need.

There's diapers and onesies and the little jars with the pureed veggies, and God forbid the kid gets sick.

With what these pharmaceutical companies are demanding for a god damn cough drop?

And there's no way boys your age can support you.

They're spending their allowance on poppers and internet p*rn.

No, what you need is an older--

Gel may be a little cold.

You need a father figure, like you had with me, only with money.

And the good news is, there's lots of lonely men.

And they'll know you put out.

That's a plus.

Heartbeat...

Oh, my God.

Look at its face.

Nope, wrong end.

The face is there.

That's my baby.

♪

Hello, little Gallagher.

Yo, Dom, got you a little something.

Ugh, okay, don't be getting me sh*t.

Come on, girl, I dropped bank.

You don't want to see?

[students chattering]

Mink.

You steal it?

Got the receipt.

Uh-uh, thanks, but I really don't need it.

It's gonna be cold soon.

[car horn honks]

Friend's mom is giving me a ride.

I got to go.

Let me walk you.

Nope, too far to walk. Bye!

[drill whirring]

Hey, Patrick, thanks for not calling me back.

Who's this?

I'm Sean, how you doing?

I'm curious what you told the sheriff to get us evicted.

Oh, that-- that's not about you.

I took a loan out against the house for 60 grand, didn't pay it back, so of course, the bank foreclosed.

Well, can't you work something out?

Why?

I get 500 bucks in rent, usually late, from cousins who want to frame me as a child molester or I pocket 60 large and call it a day.

You know, I got myself a Jet Ski, season tickets to the Blackhawks.

How's your credit?

Credit was in the shitter anyway!

[cackles] Thanks for asking.

Look, the house is a dump, but it's been in our family for generations, and it means a lot to all of us.

f*ck that house.

And f*ck your con artist deadbeat family.

Now, don't be waving the hammer around.

I don't want to have to take it from you.

[metal clangs]

[drills continue whirring]

That, I'd like to see.

Is that right?

Let's go.

[chuckles]

[drill whirs]

Yeah!

[car honks in distance]

Kev: Hey, what's up?

I'll see you guys inside.

Where the hell is everyone?

Svetlana: Regulars stopped coming because it's hipster bar now, they think.

Well, then where are all the hipsters?

Maybe it's some yuppie holiday-- Earth Day or Yom Kippur or something.

I just had three top knots right behind me.

I thought they were gonna come in.

What's that?

Tapas.

Say it without an accent.

Tapas.

Didn't help.

Spanish food on small plates.

Svetlana said there's a place on 19th Street.

Customers go crazy for this sh*t.

Jesus, it smells like--

Octopus.

Don't f*ck with me.

I am no f*cking you.

Octopus salad, this kind of tapas.

You see, this is the problem with hipsters.

It's like buying an exotic animal from a pet store.

Who knows what they eat?

♪

The hipsters are gonna come back, right?

Yeah.

We'll have them eating octopus out of our hand.

[crunches, chews]

Yeah, I hope so.

♪

Hey, I'm looking for a firefighter, but I don't know his name.

Regarding?

I was on the Central Ave bridge on Tuesday, he saved my life.

Tuesday, you want the hose pullers.

The what?

Flamers, gay firemen, they're all on one shift.

Really?

Chicago Fire Island.

So when's the next, uh, gay shift?

7:00 AM tomorrow.

Those snickerdoodles?

[indistinct PA announcement]

Frank: You know I grew up in this house?

Raised all my kids here too.

Hey, Debbie, could you come down, please?

There's someone I want you to meet.

[footsteps descending stairs]

Uh, Eugene, this is my daughter Deborah.

What's going on?

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Don't trip over his oxygen compressor.

[buzzes] Hello, Deborah.

Hm.

Hi.

So how do you two, uh...

I spend time in the oncology ward at the hospital, giving comfort and moral support to those in need.

Me and Eugene just hit it off.

Do the-- the bit from that movie.

[buzzes] Good afternoon, gentlemen.

I'm a HAL 9000 computer.

[both laugh]

Well...

I'll let you two get acquainted.

[Frank laughs]

Wait, what?

[buzzes] My second wife was a redhead.

Heh.

Would you excuse me?

Tell me you're not setting me up with him.

Shush-- shush up.

He lost his voice, not his hearing.

Are you insane?

You need someone to take care of you.

He's got terminal cancer and a two-bedroom apartment on rent control and a mint condition '64 Pontiac.

It's a classic.

He's dying?

Exactly.

He'll be around for a couple of months, a year tops, and then we hold on to the two-bedroom rent control.

No. I don't need a man.

I can take care of my baby on my own.

And if I do find someone, he won't be an old dying robot!

♪

It's a no-go.

♪

[dishes clatter]

Used to love the smell of bacon till I got knocked up.

Sean: Morning sickness?

I was helping Cindy bring food to a table and nearly puked on the plate.

Only two more days till the appointment.

Unless you want to punch me in the stomach and get it over with.

Oh, are we joking about this?

Trying.

Oh.

Hey, about the house, you're not giving up.

Not seeing too many options.

Well, we can't make Patrick pay the bank, but he only borrowed 60 grand.

It's not a very big monthly payment.

So...

So take over the mortgage.

Could we do that?

Maybe.

Who do we ask?

Well, the guy that runs the accounts here at Dorset Bank.

We could swing by and talk to him.

Thank you.

I'm a naturally helpful person.

[scoffs]

Must be tiring.

It is utterly exhausting.

[bacon sizzles]

Bacon.

Go, Colts!

[car honks in distance]

I hate the Colts.

Hockey?

Not a sports person?

I did synchronized swimming at Sarah Lawrence.

What's that?

A bunch of girls swimming together upside down and-- well, it's a lot harder than it sounds.

It's like a Busby Berkeley musical, only wet.

What's Busby Berkeley?

MGM? No?

Welcome to the Indianapolis Golden Marquee Hotel.

Can I help you with your bags?

Please.

Carl: Some high-end sh*t, carbon-fiber frame, mag wheels, all customized. Check it out.

This one.

Now, that one's cold.

No.

This one.

[♪ hip-hop music playing on car stereo ♪]

♪

[car door closes]

♪

[♪ hip-hop music swells ♪]

♪ hallelujah ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ this sh*t legendary ♪
♪ trip like Jason Terry, p*ssy pink as Katy Perry ♪
♪ this sh*t came from nowhere ♪
♪ drama, please don't go there ♪
♪ p*ssy Michael Jordan no hair ♪

[♪ hip-hop music resumes from car ♪]

Hey, yo, after we get this bike, how about we buy a m*therf*cking car?

Robes and slippers in the closet.

Toilet's equipped with a heated seat and a bidet.

A bidet, ever use one?

Oh, yeah, my vacation home in the Bahamas.

Anything else?

No, thank you.

Ten bucks?

We're meeting people in an hour.

[door closes]

I'm gonna shower.

You can join if you want.

Yeah, I'm in.

You nervous about tomorrow?

Excited.

I've been working on this for three years, so now I get to show off.

The publication in 1949 of her seminal text, "Second Sex," Simone de Beauvoir redefined the semiotics of femininity throughout the western world.

What was not explored is the relationship between her loss of faith and subsequent revolutionary views.

Wow.

That's really turning me on, if that's what you were going for.

I didn't know that you found the topic so arousing.

Me neither.

Well, there's tertiary evidence that the prestigious convent school that de Beauvoir attended... is in fact the missing link between her early religiosity and subsequent radicalizations. [chuckles]

Okay, thanks for your help.

There's no way for you to assume the loan.

The house is scheduled to go up for auction in two days.

Well, that's that.

The auction public?

I assume.

So buy it there.

[chuckles] Right.

How's it work?

Highest bidder gets the house.

So it's a bunch of bottom feeders, right, looking for a great deal?

Bank only needs 60 grand and they get their money back.

It's a sh*thole, that house.

If you put an offer on it, I bet it's yours.

You think I have 60 grand?

Apply for a mortgage.

Me?

Well, you're an assistant manager at a reputable place of business.

You have stable income.

Have you ran her credit?

About that...

Here we go.

No, it's not bad or good.

You have a credit score of zero.

You've never owned a credit card or leased a car?

No.

[chuckles] Amazing.

Uh... [clears throat]

Well, you can open up a credit card account, take an advance of $1,000, pay it back tomorrow, and you're an excellent credit risk.

You're saying that I have to borrow money in order to borrow more money?

Government-backed FHA mortgage loans are reasonable.

Hold on, hold on.

I can get a loan?

female announcer: A very big serve from Michaela Brown.

She has one of the most powerful right hands...

Mm.

male announcer: That serve is Ace.

Yanis: Kev!

sh*t!

Yanis: Hey, Kev!

Kev, hey, I see you!

[inaudible]

Come on, man.

Kev, come on.

♪

Hey, I need a favor.

Ask me from there.

I got to listen for the babies.

No, no, no, I can't yell this, okay?

It's, uh...

Kevin, it's personal.

[door closes]

You see these legs?

I used to press 900 pounds with these legs.

Now I drag them around like limp sausage.

And that yuppie lawyer scum who did this to me, he lives right around the block.

Really sucks.

Help me k*ll him.

What?

And his family.

I'm gonna set his house on fire.

No.

Yes, I am.

Hell, no.

Yes, I am.

You do that, they're gonna send you away for a long-ass time.

Look, Kevin, I've thought about this, okay?

And I-- and I think about how I will feel when that house is on fire.

The lawyer comes running out.

Okay, his kids?

They come running out, their hair on fire, their clothes on fire.

"Aah! Aah! I'm on fire! Aah!"

Jesus.

It'll be worth it. It'll be worth it.

Okay.

I'm telling you.

No one's gonna burn anyone, all right?

Go home.

Come on!

Take your pain meds.

Think happy thoughts.

[inhales] Breathe.

All right, all right.

I got to go.

Yanis: Okay, fine.

Hey, Kev, you want to come over later and watch The Voice?

You wanna-- you like The Voice?

No?

I-I got frozen pizza.

[chair whirs]

♪

Check this out.

And she goes, "No! No, no, no, no!"

Okay, so we went to the bank, and the house is being sold at auction, but there's a chance that we could buy it.

So for the first time ever, it would be our house, not Aunt Ginger's, not Patrick's.

How?

Sean's got a guy at the bank who thinks I can get a bank loan of up to 100,000.

Dollars?

I know.

Holy sh*t, someone's willing to give us 100 grand?

Yeah.

Why didn't we do this years ago?

The bank doesn't just give you money.

They actually buy the house and let you live in it till you pay back the loan with interest.

Or not.

We need a down payment of $3,500, and we need it, like, now.

I got a couple hundred.

Okay, we could pawn the TV.

You'd get 50 bucks.

We're brainstorming.

3 1/2 Gs?

sh*t, I got you covered.

What do you want?

You want hundies or small bills?

You just got out of juvie and you have $3,000?

Right.

♪

No.

What, you don't believe me?

No, I believe you, I just don't want the state seizing our house 'cause we bought it with drug money or whatever it is that you're into lately.

Frank: Let's not be hasty.

You are not part of this conversation, Frank.

This was my house long before any of you had claim to it.

Not legally, but every other way.

The point is, we're Gallaghers.

If Carl wants to step up--

No.

Why do you get the last word?

If you want to go get a mortgage with your name on it, then take Carl's money.

But otherwise, we'll find another way.

I'll just spend it on my ride.

If you want us, we'll be upstairs.

Come on, Nick.

Carl, a word, if you would, son?

[scoffs]

I don't know why you bother calling a family meeting if you make all the decisions anyway.

♪

Frank: Carl?

Hey, hey, um...

[chuckles]

On behalf of all of us, I want to acknowledge your generosity.

The fact that you've reached this level of success in your chosen field--

How much you need?

40?

60, if it's not a problem.

Bill, even.

You've come a long way, son.

It warms my heart to know that at least one Gallagher has lived up to his genetic potential.

When you were six, I-- when--

♪

You get why I don't want to take Carl's money, right?

It's like saying that it's cool that he's a criminal, like we've given up on him.

I get it.

You're giving me that look like you're gonna try to give me some really wise, meaningful advice.

Are your boobs bigger?

That's what you were thinking?

They are, right?

[chuckles]

Well, enjoy them while you can.

I'm gonna have to reschedule the abortion until after the auction.

About that deposit, uh, you know, I... I do have some savings I could kick in.

No, no, no, thank you.

It's a Gallagher thing.

If you lose the house, it's gonna be somebody else's thing.

So where's that money coming from?

I have an idea.

I'm just not sure how I feel about it yet.

I'll let you know when I decide.

Savings, huh?

Literally hundreds of dollars.

[laughs]

f*cking gold digger.

Hey, which button is it?

Helene: It says "bidet."

Right.

[sighs] Okay.

[water streaming]

Ah, whoa, holy sh*t.

You like it?

Uh, it's a new sensation.

Wow.

[chuckles]

In a good way?

I'm not sure.

[phone vibrating]

Ah.

Love a man with a clean ass.

Yeah.

Your sister's calling.

Oh, sh*t.

[water spraying]

Hey, I've been trying you since last night.

Sorry, I got your messages.

I've just been doing this paperwork for the pre-certified loan, which might as well be in Swahili.

Yeah, you still need the down payment, right.

Uh, look, I got 280 bucks in a light fixture in my dorm room.

I'll have Ian go grab it, okay?

Thanks.

Lip: Listen, I'm sorry it's not more.

Listen, you need help with the paperwork or anything?

Uh, no, it's my info they want.

Fiona: How's it going there?

It's, uh, pretty swanky.

Swanky is good.

I should go.

I'll text if there's news.

Lip: All right, bye.

Bye.

[phone clatters]

[knock at door]

Fiona, you're not gonna believe this.

Yeah?

Holy sh*t.

Hi, Aunt Fiona.

Fiona Gallagher?

Uh-huh.

I'm Alyssa with Juvenile Detention Services.

Charles is your nephew, correct?

I forgot about the swastika.

This is listed as his address.

His mom is incarcerated, and we have no other family on record.

Could I, uh...

Not to sound harsh, but there's got to be somewhere else he can go.

Alyssa: Eventually we'll find him a foster home, but that could take a while.

And there's a lot of minorities in the state facility.

Not sure how long he'll survive.

f*ck no.

He can stay here until we find another relative, any relative.

Need you to sign and confirm that you're a legal adult, that this is a drug-free household, that you will maintain--

H-hold on.

♪

Much better.

I'm hungry.

Ian, would you get your n*zi nephew some breakfast?

♪

If you let the cr*cker stay, bitch gonna get a shiv in his neck... right here.

No, no shivs in Chuckie's neck, and no race wars in the house.

Got it?

♪

[sighs]

No one should face death alone.

Am I right?

Excuse me?

Staring into that terrifying abyss without the warmth of another human being.

Sure, we have medical professionals, but I'm talking about intimacy, the kind of support you-- well, I'll just say it, you get from a... a good woman.

What kind of cancer you got?

Uh, no, I'm just here for my wife.

She's in getting radiation.

Hey, George? Let her go.

You're not wearing a wedding ring.

Uh, yeah, I broke my finger a few years ago.

Since then, I've--

That's just fascinating.

So your wife's getting radiation.

You mind if I ask how far along...

Stage three breast cancer.

Stage three, that's-- that's tough.

Mm.

How about you?

Oh, I'm not sick at the moment.

Frank Gallagher, cancer concierge.

I smooth the way for patients with serious diagnoses.

And I know how hard it can be on the spouses.

You got help with the kids?

What?

You know, a family to share the load, a granny or two?

Oh, no, they're all back in Nebraska.

Paid help? Nanny? Whatever, anything?

Can't afford it, but we're managing.

Mm, and you're doing a great job.

[sighs]

Still... you got to think of the kids.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ooh yeah ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪
♪ you drive me crazy with the way that you move ♪
♪ you begin to play now ♪
♪ you can start a fire with a body like that ♪
♪ burn the damn place down ♪
♪ come on, yeah ♪

You don't think he means it?

No.

I mean, he wouldn't light the guy's house on fire.

That's insane.

It is.

Yanis talks shits all the time.

Said he was gonna k*ll the Lisas.

He told Mr. Ryland that he was gonna cut his balls off and hang it from the rearview like, uh, fuzzy dice.

[chuckles] He didn't do that.

No.

But he did once tell me--

Kevin, it is bad enough that you talk to that Greek psycho, but now you're gonna make me relive it?

You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Just reassure me.

I did, like 20 times.

We all talk sh*t, but most people, even the crazy Greek ones, don't follow through.

Where you going?

Other job.

What other job?

Public Restroom.

It's not a restroom.

New place, 19th Street, very popular.

You're two-timing us with another bar?

Not bar. Speakeasy.

Hipster for "bar."

You know, I'm thinking I should take you to meet owner, Georgia.

She's big success.

Maybe learn how to bring people into place.

We know how to run our own bar.

[laughs softly]

Look around, Kevin.

It's no one here.

You did say the hipsters were gonna come back.

Can you introduce us to this lady?

Come tonight, I text you address.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Kermit.

Who's getting topless?

Svetlana said--

Not topless, tapas.

I still hear topless.

Kermit, pull up a stool, have something to eat.

What, octopus doesn't go bad.

Says who?

Uh, no thanks.

Uh, good seeing you guys.

Flash him.

What?

He's like our second customer in three days.

Flash him.

Kev, I am not flashing someone every time something goes wrong.

Strange little bald man.

Sit down, get a drink.

I'll have a beer.

♪

Hey, I just wanted to...

I'm Ian. You pretty much saved my life.

Cookies?

[chuckles]

Uh, where was this?

Central Ave bridge.

The redhead, that's right.

Yeah, you'd have pulled through anyway, but, uh... I'm glad I could help.

I'm Jason.

Good meeting you.

You, uh, want a smoothie?

Uh...

Hey, guys, this is Ian.

That's JR, Stubbs, Adam, Caleb, Hollywood, and, uh, that's Damian.

Oh, and that's Bart.

[Ian chuckles]

That you?

Yeah, with my husband Phil and our two kids.

Nice.

Hey, what's the name again?

Ian, thanks.

When Caleb's not here, he's in his sculpture studio.

He made that one right there.

Awesome.

So what do you do?

I guess I'm a janitor.

Ooh, I had that gig.

It sucked.

[laughter]

Yeah.

You ever let anyone visit your studio?

I would if anyone cared.

It's right by the airport.

[bell ringing]

[indistinct PA announcement]

♪

[siren blaring]

♪

Looks interesting.

You think?

With publication in 1949 of her seminal text, "The Second Sex," Simone de Beauvoir redefined the semiotics of femininity throughout the western world.

What has not been explored is the relationship between her loss of faith and subsequent revolutionary views.

Sister Lillian Marie Montreau was a nun at the convent school that de Beauvoir attended, and it was Montreau who helped Simone grapple with the theories that--

I'm sorry.

Helene: Yes?

Are you saying Montreau was a formative influence?

Without taking credit away from de Beauvoir, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

And you've read the letters?

We don't have any surviving correspondence between them, but I've done extensive research on their time--

We-- we do have letters.

I'd be aware.

Discovered a few weeks ago by an estate trustee.

We have them at Loyola.

Judge for yourself, but I think they prove the opposite of what you're asserting.

I look forward to reading them.

In the meantime, we have at least tertiary evidence that--

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be an assh*le here.

Yes.

It's in the letters.

Montreau had a very narrow world view, specifically regarding acceptance of patriarchal realities.

Really?

If anything, the reconceived semiotics of "The Second Sex" were formulated later, in opposition to a colleague whose work reinforced traditional gender binaries.

Anything else?

Okay. So... I only got an hour, then I got to meet Svetlana to check out the competition.

Which is?

Public Restroom.

That's what it's called and they serve tapas.

I mean, who goes to a place called Restroom and is like, "You know what? I think I want to order some food"?

Hold on, hold on. Yeah, I'm here.

Sure.

Thank you so much for all your help, Peter.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Holy sh*t.

It came through?

Pre-certified for a mortgage loan of up to $100,000.

Did those bankers not learn anything from that mortgage crisis bullshit?

I mean, no offense, but giving that kind of money to you?

Totally. And thank God for Sean.

He was the one who pushed me to get this loan.

Aw, he's like Superman, except for the whole junkie thing.

Does he know about Gus's ring?

Well, he knows that it exists, but not that I'm pawning it.

Let's see.

[sighs]

You know, I've been trying to, like, get angry at Gus, thinking about that bitchy song that he wrote about me, but anyway you look at it, this is shitty.

[clicks tongue] Oh.

It belonged to his grandmama?

Yeah, his dead grandma.

And there's some story, like she survived the Holocaust with it, like in her cooch.

What?

Yeah, it's something intense.

Well, you should get extra for dead grandma's cooch ring.

I had it appraised.

The guy said it's worth $7,000.

Seven--

Seven grand, are you serious?

Mm-hmm.

f*ck Gus's dead grandmama.

Go on and buy your house.

[wrench clicking]

Yo, what are you doing?

Helping Uncle Nick.

Don't call him that. Get the f*ck out of here.

[sighs]

He's a white supremacist n*zi.

You remember that.

He don't know sh*t.

I went to the DMV.

I'm not old enough to get my license, but you are, so I got these for you to study up on the test.

You can score wheels, pick up shorty after soccer practice, pull up.

She'll be like, "Damn."

Don't want to take a test.

I just want my bike.

Man, what's with you and this bike anyway?

When I was nine years old, other kids had bikes.

I told my pops I wanted one. He b*at on me.

But I got the money.

Took me a year. I got it.

A bike just like this one.

Had it for one day before Pops traded it for a rock.

sh*t.

They locked me up for what I did to him.

When I'm inside, they asked me, "You homesick?"

I'd say, "No.

I just want my bike."

[wrench clicking]

[humming]

[continues humming]

1,900.

It's worth seven grand.

I'm offering 1.9.

Six grand.

1.9.

f*ck kind of negotiation is that?

Then I'm leaving.

Aren't we're leaving?

No, I'm bluffing.

Well, tell him about grandma's cooch.

Four grand, final offer.

Take it or leave it.

1.9.

sh*t.

[knocking on door]

Go away.

I said go away!

And I would do that, only this is time-sensitive, a lead on potential employment for you.

I don't need it.

What's that?

Dog walker.

Well, once you get established, it's steady work.

Sure, but, you know, it's gonna be winter before you have this kid.

You don't want to be eight months pregnant freezing your ass off while half a dozen mutts drag you sideways across the ice.

That's a genuine risk to your unborn child.

[sighs]

So what employment are you talking about?

Working as a nanny for a very nice family.

It's flexible hours.

Plus, it's working with kids.

It's great practice.

What's the catch?

There's no catch.

This is me showing love and concern for my soon to be grandchild.

Come on, what do you say?

They want to meet tomorrow morning.

[sighs]

[laughing]

I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

[laughs]

Oh.

Why do they put mirrors in elevators?

To make you feel less closed in, I guess.

Easy, careful, all right?

Come on, let's f*ck and watch ourselves in the mirror.

I got 30 seconds, but I can try to be quick.

[grunts]

[buzzer blaring]

[laughs]

Don't play with the buttons, all right?

Fine.

Why don't we wait?

No, no, no.

Wait till we get back to the hotel room, huh?

♪

Stop it.

They don't mind.

They don't mind, do you?

I mean, when do you get this kind of excitement in Indianapolis, am I right?

[laughs]

Sorry.

Did we meet at the conference?

Helene Runyon.

Hey. Hey.

Hi.

Hey, easy.

Is this, like, the employee entrance?

No, it's creative concept.

Yeah, I don't get it.

Flush.

[water streams weakly]

[door clicks]

♪
♪

Those guys used to come to the Alibi.

Yes, it's new hot place.

15 bucks a drink.

Two choices.

Number one and number two?

♪

Georgia!

It's my friend. She love the place.

Yes, I'm a big fan.

I go work now.

Rude and hard to understand.

She's irreplaceable.

So how do you get all these people to come here?

You advertise?

Advertise? That's the kiss of death.

So it's word of mouth?

What do we all want? To be in on a secret, right?

I try to make these venues as hard to find as possible.

All black, no signs, no lights.

So, say a newspaper wrote you were, I don't know, the "Best Shittiest Bar on the South Side."

Like the Alibi Room.

You know the Alibi?

Oh, that place was like a gold mine, so much potential, till they hung that banner.

So if the Alibi took down the banner...

Oh, no, there's no coming back from that.

Chris! Excuse me.

So you got the loan, but you're a few bucks short on the deposit.

Lip and Ian had 450.

I had 2 saved.

No way I'm taking Carl's cartel money.

Debbie's saving up for baby Huey, so...

I pawned the engagement ring that Gus gave me because I'm a horrible person.

What'd you get for it?

[sighs]

1,900.

Still 950 short.

Not-- that's so weird.

I just happen to have $950 burning a hole in my pocket.

Really?

Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah, come on.

Mm.

[chuckles]

Thanks. This is a loan.

Yeah, you're damn right it's a loan.

What if we don't get the house?

Eh, you'll figure it out.

Kids are older than last time this happened.

Last time?

Well, we've never been in foreclosure before 'cause Frank's never owned anything in his life, but on the street with these kids?

The first time, I was like, ten.

Uh-huh.

Well, like you said, you... you're older now.

I'd have to split 'em up.

Debbie and Carl still aren't ready to be on their own, and I got to keep an eye on Ian.

Worst case scenario, I'll just move in with you.

Relax, I was just kidding.

God, you looked like you got stung by a bee.

Oh, I'm just imagining what it would look like, me and you living together.

In a good way, just thinking it through.

I'm hungry.

You want anything?

All right.

[retching]

[groans]

Sexy, huh?

Just don't hit the bidet button there.

Sorry.

You were hoping to get laid.

Eh.

[chuckles]

[groans]

My book is toast.

I was humiliated in front of my peers by a gay Jesuit.

It's great that guys study feminism.

It's-- you know, it shouldn't make it worse that it was a guy, but it does.

You know, you might want to wait till you're sober before you start to assess your life.

Am I a cliché?

What?

You know, Mrs. Robinson chasing young guys.

[chuckles]

Well, Mrs. Robinson was hot, so that's not a bad thing.

No, you're not a cliché.

One day-- someday...

Mm-hmm.

...you're gonna be with a girl your age and you're gonna tell her about... the older woman who taught you about wine and hotels and bidets.

[laughs softly]

Bellhop thought we were married.

Did he?

Mm.

Is that so crazy?

When you and I got together, I was looking for a fling, but this is... different.

It's so much more than that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪

Oh, God.

Oh, sh--

[retching]

♪
♪

[knocking at door]

What's the matter? Come here.

Hi, you must be Erica. Wonderful to meet you.

I'm Frank. This is Debbie.

Did Tyler mention--

Yeah, you're here to interview as a nanny.

Uh, yeah. Hi.

Hi. Uh...

Well, we could use one, but I'm not feeling well, and Tyler's running late, so you can wait for him inside.

Okay.

She's sick?

It's very sad.

But it's a nice enough house, right?

[sighs]

I thought I'd let you sleep.

How you feeling?

Can a person overdose on Aspirin?

[laughs softly]

I threw up in a toilet and bidet.

Might be a new low.

Ah, well, the paramedics weren't called, so it's better than your average night in my house growing up.

[laughs softly]

I vaguely recall an extremely earnest conversation.

Sorry if I was a bore.

No, no, it wasn't boring. Um, actually--

There's nothing like a bottle of wine and a couple martini chasers to get me talking nonsense.

So, do me a favor... pretend it never happened, and we'll just put this weekend behind us, okay?

I'll check us out.

Do you and your mother need a taxi?

What?

The lady.

Uh, no. No thanks.

Hey, what's up, beautiful?

Heading home, right?

You want to ride in style?

Hm. Not really.

This is yours.

Got the receipt?

Yeah.

At least ride it home while you think about it.

♪ heard a man say it's money on the side ♪
♪ tonight, we're gonna see some red ♪
♪ tonight, your body is a strip club ♪

Don't ride too close.

♪ f*ck it, I'm getting paid ♪
♪ hallelujah ♪
♪ oh, yeah, hallelujah ♪
♪ said those praises with the moola ♪
♪ shout out to my sh**t ♪
♪ see, I know just what I'm doing ♪
♪ started from the ruins ♪

Since I've been sick, I haven't been much use around here.

Tyler's had his hands full.

There's no shame in having help under the circumstances.

And Debbie loves working with children.

In fact, she's looking forward to having kids of her own so this would be great practice.

You seem a little young.

She's 18.

I'm 18.

I'm afraid I have to lie down.

Um, like I said, Tyler will be back soon.

Okay.

Can we help?

Oh, no, thanks, sweetheart.

I can make it. It's nice to meet you.

Yes.

[door latches shut]

♪

And voila.

Guest room.

Little small, but I think I can make it work.

You?

Why would you be staying in their guest room?

Working dishwasher.

Name brand cereal.

None of that generic crap.

An ideal place for us to raise the kid.

Wait till you meet the husband.

Then you can thank me.

Wait.

You're setting me up with a dying woman's husband?

They're married.

Not for long.

Frank.

You're gonna be a godsend to this family.

The father's going to be sick with grief.

He'll need a shoulder to lean on... and then to sleep on.

Ugh, I'm leaving.

Did you see the backyard?

Swing set, trampoline, it's like a playground, but without a pedophile.

[door opens]

Hi.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

[door shuts]

♪

Deb?

Hi.

Uh, guys, there's someone I want you to meet.

Hello?

Uh, she's sleeping.

Sorry, the kids are off somewhere.

Oh, that's okay.

Just let me deal with these groceries.

[no audible dialogue]

Can I help?

Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.

Just drop that up there.

♪

Ten minutes, Alex will cover, and then we go, okay?

Yep.

Listen, if you don't get the house, you can come stay at my place.

Will's coming next weekend, so if you're okay with that.

You've been great, really.

I'll find a place to crash.

Not with me?

Let's just wait until we're ready instead of being forced into it.

You feel forced? I don't.

You have your doubts, which I get.

You mean last night, when you brought it up?

I told you you were reading that wrong.

I don't think so.

When me and my ex moved in together, there was stuff she didn't know about me.

Created problems later.

My NA sponsor thinks I should be more up front with you if things get serious with us.

You mentioned living together.

That's what went through my mind.

What don't I know?

We can hash through all that.

Right now, we should go.

No, no, no, you're an addict.

Yeah.

If there's more to say before we shack up, spit it out, 'cause in an hour, I might be homeless.

You want to do this now?

Right.

Now.

Right.

You're really building it up.

Okay.

Um... yeah.

I, uh, went to prison in my 20s.

I figured with all the ex-cons you hire.

For dr*gs?

Yeah, and I k*lled a guy.

[laughs] Right.

I'm not joking.

I was drunk and high. I'm sleeping in a van.

I get in a fight with another junkie over--

Damn, I don't know what.

f*ck.

Uh, he went down. I kept b*ating him.

I guess his head hit the curb or something.

He went to the hospital, and later, he d*ed.

It's a long time ago, but something I live with and I should've mentioned it.

Anything else?

Heroin, k*lled a guy, no, that's all that comes to mind.

Okay.

Okay.

Finish up on the floor, and we'll go.

I didn't want to--

Finish up, and we'll go.

Kev: Yanis!

Hey, brother.

You going for a stroll? Going pretty fast there.

You know where I'm going.

Oh, God.

You gonna help me?

If not, you might as well get lost.

You're drawing attention.

I'm begging you, please turn around.

Oh, God damn it.

Good-bye, lawyer sh*t!

You turned Yanis into a cr*pple!

Now you and your sh*t wife and your sh*t kids are gonna die in a lawyer sh*t bonfire!

♪

No, no, no, he didn't cut the cable to your motorcycle.

I did.

But I meant to cut the throttle so you would stop revving your engine.

I'm just trying to keep the peace in the neighborhood, man.

Only the brake cable and the throttle cable look a lot alike, which is a design flaw.

Yanis, you got paralyzed, and I feel really bad.

I am so f*cking sorry, man.

But if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, we could have an extra strong friendship because of what we went through.

Yeah?

Oh, man. Oh, man.

I can't tell you how good that feels to get that off my chest.

[chuckles]

It's like taking a 1,000-pound sh*t.

[lighter clicks]

What are you doing?

♪

Yanis, Yanis!

Now, I know this brings up strong feelings, but-- hey, put that down so we can work on our extra strong friendship!

Aah!

♪

Ah, sh*t.

Aah! Aah!

[screaming]

Holy sh*t.

[screaming]

Help! Help!

[screaming]

♪

[blows]

[man auctioneering]

Hey, you made it.

How was the trip?

Ah, still processing.

Where's Kev?

He was supposed to be here.

I don't know what happened.

Okay, next up, 2119 North Wallace Street.

Guys.

It's a four-bedroom, one and a half-bath in a... up-and-coming neighborhood adjacent to a community garden.

Oh, sounds almost livable.

Heard this place has a rat problem?

Yeah, and Honduran squatters living in the basement.

How about 50,000?

50,000 for the four-bedroom.

[auctioneering] I have 50,000 bid in the back.

How about 60? I'm looking for 60,000.

Dive in.

[continues auctioneering]

60,000 right there.

[auctioneering]

I have 70 right there.

80 right here? I don't think so.

80,000 bid in the back. How about 90?

I'm looking for 90,000. You can bid right there.

[auctioneering] 90,000?

90, thank you. Now, 100.

This is it.

100, thank you. Now, 110.

[auctioneering]

110 going once, going twice--

Oh, 110 in the back. Now, 120.

You're out. You got to be 120.

I got to have 120.

[continues auctioneering]

We're gonna lose it.

Hurry up, raise the card.

Hurry up, raise the card.

We can't go over 100,000.

New bidder right here. 120 now.

[auctioneering] 130? You can bid back in.

We're out.

How about her, ma'am?

[auctioneering]

I can tell you one. At 130, let me know.

130 in the back, now 40. Everybody else is out.

You got to be 140.

[auctioneering]

Are you sure?

130 right here going once.

You don't want to miss it.

130 in the back going twice.

You thinking about it? For 140,000?

What do you think? Last call.

Sold, you got her, 130,000.

Thank you.

♪

[chair whirring]