I understand we all have busy lives.
Sometimes you miss an episode for the little things in life, like a heart transplant or a multiple murder in the family, but there should be no damn reason on Earth that I have to tell you what you missed last week on "Shameless. " Hmm.
Do we really need a piece of paper from the state to say that I'm committed?
Maybe one day I will want to get married, but in the meantime, I love you.
I'm not saying never.
No, you're saying you don't love me enough now.
Can I impose on you to do me a favor?
- Of course.
Um, can you pick Julia up after school?
- My kid.
I decided you might just be interesting after all.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was not cool.
Let's just say you are overqualified for this group.
I think I've got somewhere better suited for your talent.
The academy, sir?
How do you feel about trash?
Now that you remember exactly how you destroyed Kyle's life, I can get on with making you pay for it.
Filling me full of Oxy?
Mm, I need you in an opioid coma, but not, you know, dead.
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of?
What is this feeling You're so sure of?
Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of?
What is this feeling You're so sure of?
[car doors open]
[knocking on window]
Sir, step out of the car.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- [phone chimes]
Tami, Tami, here, it's your phone.
Oh, good morning.
What's the emergency?
Salon run out of hair dye?
No, it's my family group text.
Dad wants us home for a family meeting.
"Us," like you and your sisters?
"Us," like you, too.
You're a baby daddy, so you're a Tamietti now.
Here you go.
- An omelet with - Oh.
Asparagus, mushrooms, and cheese from a goat.
Sounds weird, but it's actually pretty good.
It's just an omelet.
I love having you around.
I love being around.
Gonna hop in the shower.
Sounds good, honey.
Uh, I'm gonna go call home real quick, just to check on Franny.
- Be right back.
You're never gonna fix the f*cking thing, Byron.
No one that rides a Vespa can fix anything.
Something happen to your little bike thingy?
It's a Vespa, and it stopped working all of a sudden.
What the hell are you doing here?
I came to drop off some of the stuff you left at my place.
And I was hoping that we could talk.
You know, anything you got to say to me, you can say in front of the love of my life, Byron.
- It was a mistake coming.
Hey, Ian, you want to come check out a show tomorrow?
Read the f*cking room, Byron.
It's the Imperial Mammoth.
I don't know if you've heard about them.
They're they're, like, my favorite band right now.
Wait, yeah, yeah.
They're the, uh, the hipster sh1t with the suspenders and the the harp and all that, huh?
Yeah, you're going to that?
I can get you on the list, too.
I mean, I don't know if you need a plus-one or whatever Nah, no.
He don't need a plus-one.
Trust me, he's got a lot of, uh, what'd you say, "personal work" you needed to do before you'd be ready to play the field?
Uh, actually, I just took a page out of your playbook and attached myself to the first swinging dick I saw.
We barely know each other, but, pfft man, it has been a fairy tale so far.
It's actually why I came here is, uh Looks like we both moved on, so no reason for things to be awkward, right?
Yeah, it all happened so fast, but when you know, you know.
- Sit down.
- [door closes]
We don't have current proof of residency on file for you.
- So how are we supposed to know you ain't committing fraud so you can go to this school?
You think someone would commit fraud to attend this shithole?
My job is tied to how much paperwork is completed and how many files are current, so if your dad, Francis Gallagher, could just bring us a copy of his valid state-issued ID.
He doesn't have a valid state ID.
Okay, then copies of two utility bills in his name.
All right, then he's gonna have to come in and sign this form attesting to his residence.
If we don't get this, I'll have to remove you from school while we investigate this as a fraud case.
A vacation from this school?
What's the downside?
Any student removed from school triggers an automatic review by CPS.
See the downside of a month or two in a state-run group home?
[upbeat rock music]
- You Carl?
Where are your gloves?
Think you can sling trash without protection?
You'll tear your hands to shreds.
Those are just loaners, though.
I want 'em back.
What are you doing on a garbage route, kid?
How'd you get this job?
- Someone recommended me.
Friends in high places, huh?
So where do we start?
[taps on truck]
Okay, when you get home, here's what you're gonna want to do.
You're gonna want to do the rice method.
That's where you take your entire foot and submerge it into a bag of rice.
That's not it.
RICE is an acronym.
No, it's not.
What's an acronym?
Rest, ice, compress, elevate.
One of us is a trained medical professional, and one of us f*cked her ankle up running through a park trying to catch a PokÃ©mon with her phone.
I know who I'd trust in this situation.
That'll be $20 for the ankle and $20 for the abortion.
Here, let me help you out.
The girls made it to the next round of the Eldridge Academy application process.
We're preapproved for a full financial aid package if we get in, and they invited us to the charity auction.
That's a good sign, right?
Isn't it a little early to talk about kindergarten?
Not at all.
It's super competitive, and it's only a year away.
Plus, I thought you wanted us to apply.
I did, but that's because I thought we'd be rejected so the school would be the asshole and not me.
V, wh our girls What if they don't fit in at Eldridge?
There's all those rich kids.
It's diverse, politically progressive, and safe.
You want the girls going to Coolidge?
A second-grader got caught going through the metal detector with a machete last week.
A machete, Kev.
Maybe he had dense foliage to clear after school.
We're getting the girls into Eldridge.
By being active, reliable, and engaged.
That means going to everything they invite us to, like this auction.
What the hell are we gonna buy at an auction?
We don't have to buy anything.
We just need to show up.
That's not mine.
That is definitely not mine.
Oh, come on.
Use your common sense, fellas.
What could I even do with all those drugs?
I admit I have a healthy appetite, but I'm only one man.
My guess is you were gonna sell 'em.
Everyone'll tell you, I'm a user, not a dealer.
None of this is mine.
It's a setup.
It's not even my car.
You don't say.
I-I do say.
Already ran the plates, bub.
Car was reported stolen four days ago.
Oh, you really did a number on me, Faye.
You want to give us a hand here?
Breakfast is served.
You guys eat out of the garbage?
Hey, these bagels haven't been touched.
End of the night, they just throw out whatever they didn't sell.
Yeah, I don't know about that.
We're the top garbage crew in the city, Carl.
There's guys who worked sanitation ten years, die to get onto this route, and you just show up out of nowhere, actin' like your sh1t don't stink, like you're too good to eat a Dumpster bagel.
Strikes me as a little suspicious.
Except cinnamon raisin.
Those go to the boss man.
Low-fat garden veggie.
[rock music playing over speakers]
Hey, man, so this, uh, Tamietti family meeting thing?
- Yeah, we got that text, too.
We don't actually have to To go, do we?
We absolutely have to go.
You got a kid with a Tamietti.
Comes with certain expectations.
I got a second one on the way, so I'm, like, doubly obligated.
And the pain of sitting through a family meeting is nothing compared to the passive-aggressive ball-busting you're gonna get if you don't go.
I missed a family meeting once, like, three years ago.
They still call me "No Show Brad.
" So, uh you know, what am I supposed to do during this meeting?
You know, do they expect me to weigh in on sh1t?
No, not really.
No one expects you to offer up your own opinions.
So, what, I just sit there?
No, just support your lady.
Nod a lot when Tami's talking and then repeat exactly what she says.
Works like a charm.
So be a yes-man.
- All right.
It's the only way to survive a Tamietti relationship.
I have a quick question.
Do you want a job?
Here, with me?
Personal home assistant.
You know, cooking, running errands, maybe alphabetizing hair products.
Anything that will keep you in my house all day.
You don't think that'd be kind of weird, me working for you?
It doesn't have to be.
I'll pay you $30 an hour.
And you can drive one of my cars.
The Audi or the, uh, Range Rover.
If you can't tell by now, I'm, uh crazy about you.
How about I think about it?
But say yes.
[camera shutter clicking]
Shouldn't you be in school?
Got more important stuff to do.
Got to find Frank.
We couldn't find him for most of 2005.
Then one day, there he was, passed out on the kitchen floor.
He's like a cat.
He'll be back.
If I don't find him soon, they're gonna kick me out of school.
What are you doing?
Trying to find the right Grindr profile picture.
None of the ones I put up got any hits.
Aren't you still in love with Mickey?
Yeah, I am.
But there was the whole half-proposal thing and the whole "him getting a new boyfriend" thing and the promise-ring thing, and I'm desperate.
Now I stupidly told him that I have a date for tomorrow, and I actually have to find one.
Sorry I asked.
Let me see those pictures.
These are putting me to sleep.
No one wants to date their youth pastor from their grandma's church.
- You considered spicing it up?
Why not take your shirt off or something?
I'm looking for a date, not a hookup.
The way you're headed, you're not gonna get either one.
Give me that.
Maybe Frank's dead.
Better go call the morgue.
[camera shutter clicks]
I didn't see it coming.
I was a fly caught in the web the entire time, and I didn't realize I was trapped until the spider was already eating me.
You know you have the right to remain silent, right?
Yeah, uh, I'm waiving all of that.
Only a woman could've done this.
Only a woman can lure you in, make you feel like the king of the castle, and stab you in the back all at the same time.
Show me your hands, please.
You got to do my ears first, then my nose, then my mouth.
I'm I'm kind of new at this.
Oh, that's all right, lad.
I'll walk you through it.
You you want to hear the The real head trip, though?
I still kind of like her.
Her quest for revenge, albeit bordering on psychopathy, is justified.
How can you be angry at justifiable revenge?
And her thoroughness and her ruthless efficiency Ah.
her attention to detail, it's impressive, don't you think?
With the right testicular configuration, you can hide all kinds of things under there.
The gooch is mankind's marsupial pouch.
You remember that.
You know, if if we'd met under different circumstances and I never got her soul mate locked up for life, things could've worked out for us.
I think this is the part where you spread your cheeks and cough?
You remember more than you give yourself credit for.
Oh, she's good.
Car battery, paint thinner.
Prohibited items and an overflowing can.
All of it?
I mean, it's just a few things.
We could pick through it.
Not our job to sort, man.
If we did it for 'em, how are these f*cking people ever gonna learn?
The only way to teach 'em Tough love.
Got to bend with your knees, man.
You only get 7,000 waist-bends in a lifetime.
Then what happens?
My mom accidentally threw out a bunch of sneakers Expensive ones I was gonna sell online.
Sorry to hear that, kid.
Can you help me get them out?
Wh why not?
I'm just that house right down there.
They're probably still near the top.
Come on, bro.
You're killing me.
I'm gonna be out, like, 1,500 bucks.
Call the sanitation department, tell 'em you lost something on truck 3871.
They'll send someone to look for you.
This isn't truck 3871.
How slow are you, Carl?
Like, short-bus slow, or I guess regular.
Let's go fishing.
Chuck, step up.
Step right up.
Here you go, my friend.
- Oh [Vin]
More where that came from.
Don't think Frank's dead.
The morgue doesn't have any record of him.
Well, don't be so sure.
Bodies can spend weeks in Lake Michigan before they finally wash up on shore.
Maybe he's a floater.
What's going on?
That shirtless picture's getting me tons of attention.
- You were right.
Of course I was.
So was I.
None of these are for dates.
Offer to eat my ass.
No idea what that one is.
No, it's a dick.
This guy Cole, says he's always looking for an excuse to put on his best outfit, and he loves live music.
He seems normal.
Kevin Ball and Veronica Fisher.
You're all set.
You're lot 14.
- Excuse me?
- Lot 14.
That's when you'll get up onstage to be auctioned.
- We're being auctioned?
V, V, we need to get out of here right now.
I've seen this in movies.
Before you know it, we're gonna be in the woods, and we're gonna be chased down by rich dudes that hunt humans for sport.
Look, sweetie, I shouldn't have to explain to you the problem of telling a woman who looks like me that she's up for auction.
Oh [chuckles, stammers]
This is a date-night fund-raising auction.
Applicant parents are auct - Did you say "African"?
- Uh, no.
No, um, applicant parents are auctioned off.
Once the parents that buy you get to know you, they report back, let us know if you're a good fit for the Eldridge community.
The email explained everything.
When you RSVP'd, you agreed to participate.
Sorry for the confusion.
[upbeat music playing]
We need to get out of here while we still have a chance.
[door closes, indistinct chatter]
No Show Brad showed.
Guys, it's a Christmas miracle.
- [light applause]
- All right, all right.
Everybody quiet down.
Let's get this meeting started.
First, the bad news.
Oopie and I discovered Nana wandering the streets of Milwaukee.
She was barefoot, disoriented, and by the time we caught up with her, she kept calling me Bing, and she just wanted to sing Christmas carols with Oopie.
We made the tough choice of putting her in a nursing home.
I told you we should've put her in a home years ago.
I mean, thank God we found her when we did.
We really should've put her in that home five years ago.
Now for the good news.
Nana's house is empty, no mortgage.
We could rent it out.
One of my clients did that when her grandpa passed, and it's, like, free money every month.
We we could always We could rent it out, you know?
Um, Tami's client and the client's grandfather That's, you know You can make a lot of money.
That way free money.
That's a possibility.
Or we could walk a more Christian path.
Maybe we should use this turn of events to demonstrate Jesus's love for us by helping family members who are living with difficult circumstances, like a new mom working herself to the bone to make ends meet or a new dad who has to cram his family into a tiny, decrepit RV in the backyard.
That's one idea, an idea I am in favor of.
So, if anyone has a problem with our suggestion, now's the time to speak up.
If anyone has an issue with us doing what's right, walking the path our Lord and Savior has laid out for us, helping those less fortunate than us, speak now.
W So you're saying that We're giving you Nana's house, sweetheart, while you get back on your feet.
So you're doing the mom and the daughter?
'Cause that's hot.
No, it's not.
- It's going south fast.
- You're going south fast.
No, I'm serious.
It's stressing me out.
I almost got busted this morning.
I'm starting to feel really guilty about this whole thing.
No way, girl!
I hooked up with a father and son once it was awesome.
One of them is the baby daddy of my third daughter, and I have no clue which one.
Why don't you just take a paternity test?
I just never had to, 'cause, like, the dad was so afraid of the wife finding out that he just gave me more child support than the son ever could, so So is that child support or hush money?
I mean, what's the difference?
Claudia, the mom, she wants to pay me 30 bucks an hour to basically just sit around the house all day and cook a little, clean, run some errands.
Girl, I have done way worse for $30, okay?
I have done some foot stuff.
Like, a lot of foot stuff.
Yeah, so it's not really just about the money for me.
The daughter, I don't know.
She's really fun and creative and smart and surprisingly super bendy.
I'm so confused.
How is this even a conversation?
You dump the kid, and you stick with the money.
[rock music playing over speakers]
And after that, we'll go back to our house, grill up some steaks, watch an action movie of your choice on our state-of-the-art basement home theater.
Steaks and action movies.
Who doesn't love that?
All right, let's start the bidding at $300.
- Do we have $300?
$300, all right.
What about $500?
$500 we've got $500.
$550 going once.
$550 going twice.
- Sold, $550.
- [scattered cheers]
All right, Please welcome the next couple up for auction, lot number 14, prospective parents from the South Side, Veronica Fisher and Kevin Ball.
- [feedback squeals]
Hi, I'm Veronica.
This is Kevin.
We're the Balls, and, uh, we are small-business owners, and we can offer you guys a night of free drinking in our humble little bar.
We also have a newly established medical practice, where we could offer you and your daughters unlimited abo I also can provide you with a personalized workout.
Uh, V and I are in pretty good shape, so [crowd shouting]
Take it off!
All right, a day of drinking followed by a personal workout [Veronica]
Okay, Magic Mike.
Let's start the bidding at $50.
Do we have $50?
All right, $100, $100.
- Do we have - $5,000.
Is that what [smooth music]
Can we please move away from the truck?
You get used to it.
This is about as good as it gets.
It's not even hot out.
You should smell this sh1t in July.
Remember that time we ate Indian food with the corpse in the truck?
When the compactor hit it splat!
- Like tomatoes.
- Still finished our marsala.
- [horn honks]
- We're finishing up.
Give us a second.
All right, all right.
Hold your horses.
[engine turning over]
Move it up, move it up.
Got a man in a hurry.
[engine revving, truck beeping]
Come on back.
Cut it hard.
f*ck that guy.
You got five minutes.
I told them we were married.
Slipped 'em 50 to bring you to me.
Well, you wasted your money, 'cause I'm not talking to you.
This is how it had to be, Frank.
I need you to understand exactly what's gonna happen and why.
They found enough prescription pills on you to put you away for 30 years.
I expect you'll spend the rest of your life in a maximum-security prison, just like my dear, sweet Kyle.
Any way around it?
Justice is justice, and you got what you deserve.
Will you come visit me in the big house?
Take care of yourself, Frank.
I left you a little something.
My dad wanted me to give you these.
Oh, uh, to your grandma's house.
He made copies as soon as the hardware store opened today.
So you want to go see it?
What, the house?
I mean, it's as good a time as any.
I mean, I just started working on this, so Work the only thing keeping you from going?
Well, yeah, work and, uh the fact that it's in Wisconsin.
You know, "I live in Wisconsin.
" Yeah, that that doesn't even sound right, so I'm not excited about Milwaukee either.
But it's a free house.
I mean, I think we got to at least check it out, right?
I haven't even seen it in years.
What's up, bro?
Never took you for a day drinker.
Yeah, I'm good.
Just waiting for my date to get here.
No, a new guy.
Mickey and I broke up.
Oh, no sh1t.
Tired of all that Milkovich bullshit, huh?
Hey, what do you know about rich people?
I want to thank you for showing such interest in our little family and for pledging so much to spend the day with us It was very generous.
You ever heard of hunting groups that track and kill people for sport?
- Uh - Secret societies that reach the highest forms of government?
Private islands that have fighting tournaments to the death?
Human traffic Can't say I've heard of any of that, man.
- Holler if you need me.
So a little bit about our girls.
They are natural learners.
They know all of their letters and numbers, and I bet they'll be reading any day now.
Your patrons are fascinating.
They're just regular workin' folk.
- So back to the girls - [Delphine]
But how can they be working if they are here in the day at your bar, drinking?
I don't know.
You're here in the middle of the day, right?
Yes, of course, but we are incredibly wealthy.
What are we drinking?
Never heard of it.
A la Paloma, hmm?
No-zerac, No-groni, and la Pa-nopa.
The only fancy thing we got back there is a bottle of "Cream de Mint," but that came with the place when we bought it.
We got beer, and we got alcohol from the bottle.
Well, here's an idea.
Let's skip the bar and reconvene at your house after the sun sets.
That way, we can discuss your application and, uh, get to know each other in a more intimate setting.
[all laughing awkwardly]
Why are we laughing?
I don't know.
Just go with it.
Where Ian Gallagher at?
Bitch, why are you babysitting that drink?
Are we gonna pregame before we get all musical and sh1t or what?
I'm gonna need a round of Henny immediately, like, immediately.
Let's get turnt in this m*therf*cker.
I know you're worried about our age difference, you know, about my mom, but the chemistry we have between us it's crazy, right?
Yeah, it is.
I-I know it's early, but I think this could be the real thing, and if it is, just f*ck all the other stuff.
That's just noise.
We can't let noise get in the way of what this could be.
Uh, Julia, what is with all these signs?
Oh, my God.
Is this a promposal?
You've heard the charges against you.
What's your plea?
I plead not guilty.
I was framed.
Humor me, Mr.
Who framed you?
Let's schedule the preliminary hearing.
It was the drug companies.
The companies that made the pills They're the ones who set me up.
A guy like me, a father of five Uh, six Struggling with addiction all his life?
I never stood a chance.
It's entrapment, Your Honor, pharmaceutical entrapment.
- It's the corporations - Let me get this straight.
You think that a company that doesn't know you from Adam should be the one standing here today instead of you, a criminal, whose record dates back to the Nixon administration?
That's not the way I would've phrased it, but, yes.
More or less, yes.
Well, let me elucidate you on the perspective of this court, Mr.
I agree with you.
I grew up on the South Side of Chicago.
I have friends and family whose whole lives were turned upside down just 'cause they had a couple of crack rocks in their pocket.
My own brother did ten years on some trumped-up possession charge.
That is a crying shame.
Your Honor, I don't mean to speak out of turn, but what exactly did the War on Drugs get us, other than generations of locked-up parents away from families who needed them?
Why repeat the same cycle?
Why tear Mr.
Gallagher away from his kids?
Why punish a fellow citizen who has a problem?
An illness, Your Honor.
An illness foisted on me by greedy drug companies.
I've never heard of an illness best cured by prison.
Have you, Mr. McClatchy?
The district attorney and the citizens of Chicago agree with you, Your Honor.
I think we all desire a new approach.
Uh, Your Honor, all due deference and with respect, but maybe it's time for you to be the change you want to see in the world.
Don't push it, Mr. Gallagher.
Without any objections from the prosecution, I believe that a pre-trial intervention is appropriate.
Mr. Gallagher the Court hereby orders you to complete 100 hours of community service and a court-approved residential addiction therapy program.
Thank you, Your Honor.
[rock music playing over speakers]
About Lorne and Delphine coming over tonight, - I'm starting to think they might be - They're swingers?
Why else would they pay $5,000 to date us if they didn't expect s*x?
And at this point, the only way our daughters are gonna get into Eldridge is by engaging in a night of extremely perverted wife-swapping.
So I guess we should cancel.
- It's a shame.
Without Eldridge, our girls are gonna be putting their life on the line every day in public school.
I mean, unless Unless what?
It wouldn't be the freakiest thing we've ever done.
And she's French.
So, in Europe, it's probably pretty normal, right?
Are you saying we should do it?
I'm no, I'm I'm saying maybe [sighs]
Eldridge is awesome.
I think Scottie Pippen's kids went to Eldridge.
Rumor has it Brian Urlacher's did, too.
It doesn't get cooler than that.
So you would do it?
Swing with them?
- All right, this feels like a trap.
- It's not.
You know I would do anything for you and the girls.
So, if you want me to bang some extremely hot French lady, I will, I guess.
And I guess I could stomach letting some living Ken doll clap my cakes For the girls, of course.
- Clap your what?
- I don't know.
I used to spend a month each summer visiting Nana in Milwaukee.
When I was nine, this drive felt like it took forever.
I mean, I would've told you that it would take all day, but look.
GPS says two hours.
It takes longer to get across town in traffic.
- That's not so bad, right?
No, it's not bad.
Yo, how long are we standing around until you tell me what we're doing?
- We're waiting.
- For what?
So what do you guys say we check out this open house?
Watch the truck.
What the f*ck?
- No, don't touch me.
We let things get out of hand.
It was fun while it lasted.
But I can't go to a school dance with you.
That's just not possible, Julia.
It would be possible if you liked me as much as I like you.
I'm sleeping with your mom, Julia.
So dump her!
I can't afford that right now Emotionally.
Do you love her?
I'm growing to care for her.
But she's so old!
She watches "60 Minutes.
" She bleaches her mustache.
She lasers the varicose veins in her legs.
Have you seen her calves?
They're a f*cking subway map.
What do you even see in her?
I'm gonna threaten to kill myself.
You're gonna threaten, or you're gonna actually try to kill yourself?
I hate you!
Gallagher, welcome to Placid Journeys.
I run the place.
Over that way is the spa and the meditation room.
Down there is the kitchen with our 24-hour onsite chef.
Now, she specializes in farm-to-table.
It's parsnip season.
You like parsnips?
As much as the next fella, I guess.
- So what do you guys have on tap here?
This is behavioral therapy.
We mainly just talk.
You like smoothies?
I got to say, this is nothing like the rehab facility I was sent to back in the day.
And I can't help but notice that the demographics have changed.
- Everybody here is - Young, white, rich.
It's the opioid epidemic.
Doctors spent years under-prescribing black people pain medication, so they never had a chance to get addicted, and they don't wind up here.
All that oppression, and you don't even get a shot at a good doctor-prescribed high?
Meanwhile a white cheerleader sprains an ankle, and she gets prescribed a 90-day supply of Oxy - with six refills.
- What are you gonna do?
[car door closes]
[door opens, closes]
Well, it's clean.
It smells like my grandma.
I don't see anything falling down.
Yeah, I was, uh kind of expecting a crazy old cat lady hoarder house.
I mean, this wallpaper is awful.
We'd take that down.
But I mean, I don't know.
Am I crazy?
This isn't that bad.
I'm gonna check out the upstairs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pretty big, huh?
If you wanted to keep fixing bikes on the side, you'd have the space.
And I mean, I could fit a lift stand right here.
- Tool cabinet.
- I could get maybe maybe two bikes in here at a time, three in a pinch.
- It's nice.
Pension, holiday, health benefits, maternity leave.
Well, I don't really see maternity leave being an issue, so long as you and I are exclusive.
- But everything else - [refrigerator door opens]
I'm sure we can work something out.
[refrigerator door closes]
I thought we were watching our carbs.
So is that a yes to my offer?
Julia, honey, you'd like to have Debbie around more, wouldn't you?
All right, well, don't mind her.
She's just mad because some boy at school wouldn't go to the school dance with her.
Then she comes home, and she orders pizza, and it's like, the only thing more unforgiving than a scale is a shallow teenage boy.
- Am I right?
- Trying to find my dad.
- Yeah, good luck.
I was hoping you could help.
He was hanging out with a Latina lady named Faye who owns a Rolls Royce.
Maybe you could look her up for me?
You sure this can't wait?
I literally just bought this pizza, and it's only getting colder by the second.
All right, step into my office.
We ain't got no free services, you heard?
So give us what you owe, or we gonna be at every open house you got.
- [man grunts]
I was high.
I was on another planet, man.
I never should've been behind the wheel, but there I was.
One second, I'm going the wrong way through a Taco Bell drive-through.
Next second, I'm in a field in Indiana drinking milk directly from a cow's udder.
And my dad's all like, "Well, that's the second Mercedes you've lost.
" And I'm like, "Well, I'm fine, Dad.
Thanks for asking.
The salmonella's finally cleared up.
" And then he brought me here again.
I just think he wanted me out of the picture [breathing shakily]
so I didn't embarrass him in front of his Can't you do something for this poor kid?
He's obviously dope sick.
No, I can't.
But since you took it upon yourself to interrupt him, perhaps you'd like to share next.
Most people use their initial share to recount their addiction journey.
How long is this session?
We have two hours left, Frank.
Just two hours, and you're wasting your time on amateur stuff?
How many here have mixed a bottle of fentanyl nose spray with a half-gallon of orange juice and hidden in the wheel well of an American Airlines flight to Rio de Janeiro?
Okay, I think I'll start there.
Would you rescue me?
Would you get my back?
Would you take my call when I start to crack?
Would you rescue me?
Uh Would you rescue me?
Would you rescue me when I'm by myself When I need your love, if I need your help?
Yes, bitch, I got the card-duplication machine thingy, but if you got the number and the expiration date, then you're good to go.
Yes, spend, girl, before they realize you took it.
And get me some boots, too.
Not Uggs, bitch, okay?
I'm not trying to look basic this fall.
Yes, the thievery of it all.
I'm on a date, so I got to go.
You want a show?
Watch me walk away.
If I'm [Cole]
slipping under, under What the f*ck is that?
That is Cole.
He's my date.
What's he doing?
When I need your love, if I need your help He's getting us drinks.
Would you rescue me?
[knock on door]
Slow flame is what we got It doesn't own us But I like it a lot, a lot Slow flame Can I help you?
Thanks for having us.
Oh, this is our boy, Simon.
- [door closes]
Can I offer you guys something to drink?
I'll be here when you're ready If my pride don't get in the way What are these strange papers, Papa?
Um good question, Simon.
This is, uh It's not organic.
I thought this was gonna be about s*x.
But we just need to play nice and be good hosts.
These guys are reporting back to the admissions committee, remember?
Different rains Different winds What is wrong, mon petite Ã©toile?
You said this place would be filthy and falling apart.
You said there'd be insects and rats.
I want a rat.
Where are your roaches and other vermin?
Can we please see them?
Um I thought we were gonna be you know what I mean?
Can you please explain to us what's going on here?
Well We have not been around the poor before, and we wanted Simon to see how you people live.
We were hoping you would demonstrate to him destitution and suffering.
To motivate him to work harder in school.
Yes, so he will not end up in a place like this.
[knock on door]
Sure, come on in.
- How'd you know where I live?
- Uh, you took the Audi.
I tracked the GPS.
This place is a dump.
No wonder you're taking my mom's handouts.
You come here to insult me?
No, I've given it some thought.
Given what some thought?
I've decided we are going to the homecoming dance together.
Julia, I thought I made myself clear the first time.
Oh, no, you did.
But like I said, I've given it some thought, and I've decided we're going.
There is literally no way I'm going to the homecoming dance with you.
And you barging in here like this, it's kind of psycho, Julia.
It's a free country, so you don't have to go.
But if you don't, I am definitely gonna tell my mom that you went down on me.
Three No, four times.
Is that psycho?
[gear shifter clacking]
[car door opens, closes]
Well, I can see Ooh, and smell That you have been working hard at sanitation.
You got five minutes.
My wife and I like watching that singing show with the spinny chairs.
It's getting ready to start.
Sir garbage is dirty.
All the good things about you All the good things About you All the good things about you [cheers and applause]
We're Imperial Mammoth.
We're gonna take a break, but we'll be back in ten.
[cheers and applause]
That's some Beethoven sh1t, am I right?
All right, sir, can I have another one, please?
I'm gonna need, like, ten more of these bitches.
Look, I hooked up with him once, and he moved in.
I didn't have a choice.
Now he won't go.
I was hoping, since I got his ex here, that maybe he'd take him off my hands.
- Please, God.
So, no, he's not my boyfriend.
He's dumb, he's rude, he's politically ignorant, he's violent, he's socially inept.
I don't even think he can read.
And he's way too aggressive in bed and not in a good way.
You convinced me.
I'll take him off your hands.
Is this, uh this what you do when you don't like somebody?
You bash 'em behind their backs?
Get a good laugh at their expense with your f*cking friends?
[Vampire Weekend's "This Life" playing over speakers]
Try to pawn 'em off to some other guy?
No, I uh, I-I didn't I didn't m-mean that Byron.
Byron, come on.
I know exactly what you meant.
Unfortunately for you, I'm not the kind of guy who lets people talk sh1t about the man he loves, so, uh hey, can you hold these for me?
[blows landing, people shouting]
Look at my man.
- Don't take no sh1t.
- Calm down.
I'm gonna do gymnastics on that dick tonight.
I'm gonna Simone Biles that dick, you know what I'm saying?
[blows landing, shouting continues]
[Ian grunting, panting]
Oh, Christ Am I good for nothing?
I love you, Mickey Milkovich more than anything.
Is always waiting at the gate And if you'll let me, I-I'd like to spend the rest of my life Jesus Christ, save the f*cking speech, you pussy.
And I was told I'll marry you.
Of course I'll f*cking marry you.
The drums of war beat louder warnings [door opens]
Just doing my part to break stereotypes.
What's that smell?
The smell of a man saving the city from corruption.
Since when does Lip call family meetings?
Does anyone know what two lesbians do when they go to homecoming?
Do they both wear dresses?
Do neither wear dresses?
Come on, man.
- Come on.
- Come on.
Yeah, that's go That's gonna help you a lot.
[door opens, closes]
What the f*ck is that smell?
Carl's trying to save the city.
Uh, thanks for coming.
I wanted to tell you all this in person.
What, you fall off the wagon?
- You going to prison?
Tami dumped you.
She's pregnant again?
Oh, she definitely dumped you.
No, will everybody just shut the f*ck up?
Me, Tami, and Fred are moving to Milwaukee.
[soft rock music]
Uh, her family gave us an old house up there, and, uh, it's it's nice.
It's only two hours away, you know, and it's big, so you guys can all come up and visit.
And I'll still be around, you know, on weekends and, uh, holidays and stuff like that, so Anyway, that's it.
That's, uh [normal voice]
That's all I got, so Who are you?
I'm your Uncle Frank, and I'm gonna take care of you.
All I need in return is for your parents to make sure Uncle Frank's commissary account is nice and full.
I wouldn't smell it.