10x95 - Hall of Shame: Fiona

[rock music]

-- - All right.

- Is it recording?


[clears throat]

Um, hi.

I, uh, I'm Carl Gallagher.

You had to think about that?

No, it's just weird.


I'm Deborah Margaret Gallagher.

- Deborah Margaret?

- It's my real name.

It is?

- [scoffs]

Glad you know me so well.

- No one gives a f*ck about you.

- They wanna hear about Fiona.

- [scoffs]

Yes, Team Fiona!


♪ Take a ride ♪

♪ Take a ride on the wild side ♪

All right.


I'm a fun person.

- [siren chirps]

- sh1t!

- [officer]


- [Fiona]

I like to have fun.






♪ Take a joyride ♪

♪ Let's go on a journey to the bright side ♪

♪ Don't know where we're heading ♪

♪ But it's all right ♪

♪ Better than all right ♪

- Really?

- They're free.

♪ Joyride ♪

- Whoo!

- [laughing]



♪ A dream inside of my mind ♪

♪ Better hold on tight ♪



- [crowd cheering]

- Oh, my gosh!


Why are we doing this anyway?

Is it, like, for a job or some sh1t?

She's trying out for some dating reality show.

- That why you all dressed up?

- No.

"I'm Deborah Margaret, and I like to dress to sit around..."

Shut the f*ck up.

We're supposed to be talking about Fiona's character.


She has no character.

You owe me a beer!

[rock music]

Fiona Gallagher, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

A little early for a drink, isn't it?

All right, Mom.

I'm gonna turn in.

- Lost my job today.

- f*ckin' the boss?




That's for f*cking my husband!


♪ Tell me all about it ♪

Did you know he was married?

Well, it's a good thing that I met up with Craig Heisner.

He's married.

What about your wife?

♪ Babe, I'm all about it ♪


At least it's chocolate.

Liam, we gotta get you onto this potty.

We could take some of the money that we spend on diapers and buy you candy.

Ah, rewards for sh1tting.

The good old days.

- Whoa, Debs, whose blood is that?

- Hard to say.

Could be Holly's.

Could be Ellie's.

As your legal guardian, I'm obligated to say violence is wrong, but those bitches deserved it.

Maybe I'm tired of playing Susie f*cking Sunshine all the time, huh?

- f*ck you, Mom.

- You smell like a bar room floor.

It's mouthwash.

I just gargled.

- I have something to tell you.

- Knock first!


Let's go to the clinic right now.


Oh, my God.

How many times do I have to tell you I am not killing my baby?

I hate your hair.

- A gun?

- DFS took the kids this morning.

School starts today?

I'm in charge of this family.

One, two, three Neither one of us has a job.

One week with me as their guardian, they're about to be homeless.


What was the final tally of the purse?


I heart Sizzler.

[electricity crackles]


Damn it.



Did Carl blow up the neighborhood again?

No, I forgot to pay the bill.


The hell?

I don't even give a what f*ck.

Oh, FYI, water got shut off.

You should probably pay the bill.

Guess who just got f*ckin' fired!

Gonna hang around here drinking all day?

I might eat something, too.

I'll have money for you later today.


Any chance you could get it to me now?

Bailing you out of jail last week kind of cleaned me out.

One, two, three


Read the charges.


Possession of a controlled substance

- and child endangerment.

- How does the defendant plead?

Guilty, Your Honor.

Get back I got all the therapy you could ever need right here.

Guess we're not having turkey tomorrow.

Too expensive.

Gotta use pawn shop money for the bills.

Can you hit me with a milk refill?

She wasn't shoplifting.

She forgot to pay.

It's a symptom of her low IQ.

- She's retarded?

- That's a deeply offensive word.

That's right, Debs.

You tell her.

[Mickey groaning, screaming]

Who the hell are you?

I'm Brittany Sturgess from Child Protective Services.

Truth is, I don't know what a good mother's supposed to be like.

Fiona was always telling us she was a good mother, like, a lot, all the time.

So does that make it true?

Does that make her a good mother?

Like, when someone tells you something that they always want you to believe in.

Like, do I believe that she was a good mother, for real?

Or do I just believe that she was a good mother because she was always telling us she was a good mother?

[sniffs, sighs]


I don't know.

My head hurts.

[lively music]

I'm raising five kids.

What's your excuse?

Shut the f*ck up!

I am the one who saw to your survival since you were babies.


Do you ever check for carbon monoxide leaks?


Too busy.

You know, raising five kids and Frank.

I have five kids.

They're my siblings, but I raise them.

I'm raising a sociopath.

You're graduating.

I didn't, and I still regret it.

- Who's stopping you?

- Debbie, Carl, Liam, you.

I'm not taking care of another kid.

I raised five f*cking kids.

There's no way you're going to be able to raise a baby, and I am going to get stuck doing it!

You feel like the world would stop spinning on its axis if you take a night off.

You know when a plane starts going down and they tell you to put your mask on before helping anyone else?

Put your mask on, Fiona!


Well, I've never been on a plane!

[soft music]

You know, being guardian doesn't make you super-mom.

You noticed.

Could I possibly be doing a worse job of raising these kids?

Liam isn't smoking crack.

I'm just saying, uh, it's not all on you.

I hope I'm not f*cking up the kids.


♪ You don't ♪


She left!

I was nine!

Taking care of all of us.

My job is to keep this house going.

We're locking up the house.

Busting my ass, making meals, keeping everything straight.

Can you give me a minute first?



This is about what I did, and you know what?

I did a f*ckin' great job.

♪ No one ♪ [Fiona]

Debbie is on the debate team.

Going to nationals.

Lip, top of his class.

He set the curve.

Ian was promoted in ROTC, and he tested out of English, and Carl made something blow up for his science fair, and you know what?

They did it all, no thanks to you, because you weren't here.

- Are you prepared to assume custody?

- I am.


If you decide to do this, there's no changing your mind.

We're talking about the rest of your life.

Do you agree to be the guardian of these children?

Yes, I do.

They'd still be my kids, but she'd have all the responsibility?

Works for me.

Take your children home.

[all cheering]

♪ It's the same thing ♪

♪ Right or wrong ♪

Let's see here.

Here we go.


How are you?

Um, so you want to know about Fiona.

Now, remind me, which one is Fiona again?

I'm joking.

She is my sister.

She's four years older.

Good soul.

She, uh, ran this household.

She was the, uh, the glue, held this family together.

We couldn't have survived without her.


[relaxed music]

You think you guys can survive one night without Fiona?




- Sure.

- Yeah, have a great time.

The rush is starting!

I can't do breakfast and set up for daycare all at the same time.

Carl, I took down half of the pool.

You have to do the rest.

Look, you gotta get a job this summer so we can make it through the winter, all right?

Molly, wipe down the extra saucers and teething toys, and check the nap pads for head lice and boogers.

Come on, Liam, we gotta get you to your fancy school.

Fiona says I can take him.

Fiona's not in charge anymore.

We have dollar a cookie, buck fifty a brownie, for the gun.

[upbeat music]


Can you do this?


Make sure he drinks the whole thing.

He needs his electrolytes.


I've been helping Debbie with daycare.

Who wants a bonus story?



This is called "Fiona's Thoughts, Sophomore Year, ." "Flirted with Craig Heisner today.

"His ass looked great in his jeans.

I bet he could really pick me up and throw me around." [Lip]

Yo, Carl, we taking all them to school, too?


No, back to the parking lot where they live.

- We're not all gonna fit.

- Sure we will.

Check, check, check this out Frosted Flakes, Bisquick, and...

ooh, ooh!

Even got a couple of two-for-ones for Tide.

Brought some popcorn shrimp back from my shitty-ass job.

What's all that sh1t?

My welding gear.


The hell is it for?

The future.


But, come payday, you'll see who the real captain is.


Got it.

That's disgusting.

I should add "plumber" to my welding résumé.

- That's your kid?

- Yep.

Not afraid to knock a bitch up.

You game?

We got these from Imelda over at the Holiday Inn.

It'll be a good way to stay warm.

/ Gs?

I got you covered.

You want hunnies or small bills?


You're watching Liam today, remember?

I haven't abused marijuana like the rest of you, so, yes, I remember.

Uh, working furnace, Debs?

On it!


Buy back the house.

No, look, look, look.


Don't get me wrong, okay?

Fiona tried her absolute best, okay?

But if we were keeping score, which, of course, we're not, right, I think there may have been somebody else who held the family together just a little bit better, and I think that someone...

might be standing in this kitchen right now.

[grunts softly]


I guess it must be me.

Adding the last bucks to the property tax, yo.

I don't have it.

How long we doing this for?

Figure we park more cars, make enough money to cover the property tax, at which time, people will probably start to realize Wilco's not playing at Fiona's club.

Then we bolt.

Hey, there, fella.


Ooh, let's go take the Browns to the Super Bowl, huh?

No coffee.

Milk or juice.

Okay, we got your favorite, banana pancakes.

- Oh, love banana pancakes.

- There you go.

Oh, make yourself at home.

Thousand bucks in the squirrel fund before you go back to school.

I've got this.

Hey, Carl, go upstairs.

Get your toothbrush and something to sleep in.

Look, I'll take Liam to school today.

I'll grab us some dinner while I'm there.

No worries.

No worries.

I'll stay up all night studying.

I mean, what the f*ck?

It's just an applied physics quiz.


Outstanding bills.

Electric and rent are late, too?

- We out of diapers?

- Yeah.

But I put a plug up his butt, didn't I, buddy?

What's that smell?

Frank, stop smoking weed!

We're gonna get out of here, okay?

We'll be back for dinner tonight.

- No.


- Fiona, just get some sleep.

Sort your sh1t out.

I didn't ask to play mom, all right?

- [Debbie]

Neither did she.

- So, what, you want me to bust my ass so I can buy you all houses and sh1t?

What did you think was gonna happen, Fiona?

Liam almost died!

How 'bout that, huh?


f*ckin' Lip, man.

He's a righteous f*ckin' prick.

No, I expected you to not be drunk in the middle of the day!

All f*cking you!

Your coke, your boyfriend, your fucked-up life!

Not mine!

♪ He's on fire ♪

Now, I'm not saying that I was perfect, and, I mean, I definitely had my own issues.

I am, after all, my father's son.

I used to partake in a glass or two of alcoholic refreshments, and Fiona is her father's daughter, so she, too, liked the, um, glug-glug.

You know, I often wondered, if there was a contest, who could drink who under the table.


My name is Fiona.

I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic.


[upbeat music]

Hey, I need a drink.


Can I get another?

What you having?


- What are you drinking?

- Uh, beer.

- Have you been drinking?

- Have you?



You're drunk.


I'm gonna puke.


Did she say she's gonna puke?


Hey, that doesn't open.


Do not puke in the van.


Oh, God.

- [vomiting]

- Oh, damn.

[Lip vomiting]




Oh, Jesus!


Gallagher rain.





What the hell are you doing?

Trying to get this f*cking beef...

in the oven.

You gotta get in there, beef!


- Hair of the dog?

- [grunts]

[bluesy music]

♪ My pulse beat out a warning ♪


- [phone ringing]

- [groaning]

♪ Her stare cuts me like a freeze ♪


♪ Yeah, I'm in deep ♪



♪ Yeah, baby, I'm in deep ♪


♪ And if you won't just let it be ♪

♪ You gotta believe ♪

[knock at door]



Chicken pot pie?

- I'm serious.

- Sloppy Joes?



I don't know, now that I'm thinking of it...

you know, perhaps our behavior while intoxicated was, uh, less than exemplary.

Uh, Fiona and I, we're probably a lot more alike than I'm willing to admit.

I'll put it this way.

If Fiona and I were in a band together, we'd be called The Chaos Junkies.

[bluesy music]


[car alarm blaring]




Hey, that bitch stole my oxy!

f*cking skank bitch!

Get her!

Catch me, I'm falling South Side piece of sh1t!

- ♪ Catch me, I'm falling ♪

- [laughing]

♪ On hard times again ♪

♪ Hard times, hard times ♪

♪ It's sending me around the bend ♪

♪ Hard times ♪


Oh, f*ck.

You have a bedroom, Lip.

Yeah, says the girl who had s*x on the stairs last night.

- Hallway.

- Stand corrected.

[rock music]

[crowd cheering]



Chaos, Fiona.

Chaos follows you around.


f*ck you!

Least I don't have a tiny pen1s!

[brakes squealing]

Oh, sh1t.

Back up, back up, back up!


Oh, my God!


What are you doing?

[brakes squeal]

♪ You don't care about me anymore ♪

[crowd cheering]

Kick him back.

You're punching like a fag.

Come on.

Yo, wakey, wakey.

- Get the f*ck away from me!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!


This dressing contains mayonnaise, and I'm allergic to eggs.

I'm allergic to people with allergies.

I'm never coming back.


Okay, 'cause what I could really use are some more customers who are allergic to food.



There are good drunks and bad drunks.

A good drunk is fun.


A bad drunk wants to have a fight.

f*ck your fence.

A good drunk lives in the present.

A bad drunk is thinking about yesterday.


The f*ck?

You put my sh1t on the f*cking curb?

It's all about gas and the brakes.


How you feel?

- [coughs]

- Great.

- Wanna do another one?

- Yeah.


You feel good, right?

So take a break, driver eight.

[rock music]

Wake up, sleepyhead.

Oh, f*ck.

It's the middle of the day, man.


Wait, you want another s*x video?


No, doofus.


We're supposed to record a few words about Fiona.

Oh, your bitch of a sister?


Why you saying that?

'Cause all she ever did was boss you guys around.

First of the month.

Pony up.

Hey, dishes to the sink.

When you find something that isn't yours, keep it that way.

Let's go.

Put that stroller back in the garbage.

School supplies and clothing.

Nothing else.

Don't get any ideas.


No peep holes!

Hey, brush your teeth, now.

Debbie, go brush your teeth.

- You both brush your teeth?

- [both]


Someone get the door.

Carl, what the hell?

Where are you, Ian?

This is your sister and your boss.

You're really gonna smoke this right in front of me?

Maybe next time you'll do what I ask.

Find Carl and get home, now.

- I asked you to clean up.

- Did ya?

- Okay.

- The f*ck?

Party is over, now.

- Man, let's go.

This some...

- Everybody out!


Those are my f*ckin' Fritos.

Hey, Gallaghers, I need focus and cooperation.

Debbie, go get everyone so we can get our stories straight.

It's not up for discussion.

You're gonna dress like a f*cking law-abiding citizen whether you like it or not.

In bed by midnight.

No exceptions.

You're filthy.

Go take a shower.

Both need showers.

You're rank.

No more playing dress-up.

Hymen stays intact.


Absolutely not.

No more peeing off the balcony.

Debbie, that is not the outfit that we picked out for your first day.

It's not stripper school.

Go change.


Morning, Mrs.


There's a toilet right there.


Babiak doesn't need an anatomy lesson.

Please, Mrs.

Babiak's got my th birthday circled on her calendar.

Don't forget to take your meds.

Don't forget to take your meds.

- Meds?

- Yes, Mom.

Are they giving you your meds in there?

Okay, she was bossy and... bitchy, but maybe we could say it in a nicer way.


- Much nicer.

- Thanks.

No, I think she was just stressed all the time and overwhelmed.

I mean, can you imagine having to wake up five jerk-off kids every morning and trying to get them out the door to school?

Kids, breakfast!

Rise and shine!

Good morning, Milk Dud!




[knocks loudly]


Up and at 'em!

Let's go, Frank.



Ten minutes to get downstairs!

Get up and get to school.

You're gonna be late for school.

Why aren't you getting ready for school?


School, remember?

minutes before school, tops.

Debbie, come in and eat your breakfast, okay?

You're up next in the shower.

Eat, now.

Debs, Lip, come and get it!

Eat more than just a Pop-Tart.

No more popsicles for breakfast, okay?

No pizza.

Fruit or juice.

No pie.

Get in the shower.

I'm not saying it again.

- [Debbie]


- sh1t.

Would you grab the paper bags?



Don't forget your lunch.

Late start this morning, guys.

- Sorry.

You're on your own.

- Where's my lunch?

You're each gettin' $ to buy your very own school lunch.

Gallagher clan is flush.

We're creepin' up on the poverty line.

Hey, bat stays here.

You're gonna be late.


- Bye.

- Everyone out.


Hey, guys!

[monitor beeping rapidly]


What'd she have to be stressed about?

- She was gettin' plenty of D.

- [Ian chuckles]

Oh, hey, reality show dating people, get ready to have your dick sucked.

♪ Whoa, what's good? ♪

♪ I heard you up in my neighborhood ♪

♪ Heard you up in my neighborhood ♪

- Ah!

- ♪ Whoa, what's good? ♪

♪ Daddy, come over ♪

♪ Let me get you stoned, stoned, stoned ♪

♪ I heard you up in my neighborhood ♪

- You nasty -[Fiona moaning]

There was always a revolving door of guys in this place.

Yeah, she had more cock in her than a bus station urinal, man.


[lively music]

- [laughs]

- Ooh.


Come on, I saw the way you looked at Steve like a D-O-G in heat.

Not true.

You never looked at the otherguys that way.

Don't exaggerate.


Take a look.

Al's Beef.


I think I just came.

I've been dating this guy, Steve.

About all we have is passion.



Or two?

Oh, God, one!

- Who the f*ck is Candice?

- Who?

- Uh, morning.

- This is Gus.

Boyfriend and girlfriend or just f*ck buddies?

Welcome to my family.

Last night was my first time.


Tony, are you saying you were a...


Holy sh1t.

You popped his cherry?

It's a big thing.

It's above average.



You and Mike getting serious?


- I like him.

- s*x good?

- I don't know yet.

- [Kev]

First date Fiona?

The girl who puts out waiting in line at the Wendy's drive-thru?

Who told you that?

Ronnie Finnegan?

Ben Troutman.

Jesus Christ.

You've done that more than once?


Is this a date?


Are you hoping it is a date?

Or you're afraid we got mixed signals?

I like the signals.

[dance music]


Oh, f*ck!

- Nice to meet you.

- Mm-hmm.

- You're pretty damn intriguing.

- How intriguing?

- He's your boyfriend's brother!

- What are you doing here?

Trying to get it through your thick skull

- that this is over.

- Could've called.

Or used Facebook.

I'm not on Facebook.

What do you want me to say?

That... that I'm self-destructive?

That liars and thieves and addicts turn me on?

That I don't know how to do a normal relationship?

Was that so hard?

- Uh-oh.

- What?

Oh, f*ck.

Is it lice?

This is a completely new brand of foreplay for me.

You really know how to keep it interesting, Gallagher.

- What are you doing?

- Ah, just burning my clothes.

- Why?

- Ah, you don't need to know.

- I'm bringing you there.

- Oh, this motel?

It's classy.

Rooms by the hour.

That's why it's fun.

Usually, by this time in a relationship, the guy starts just showing up for late-night booty calls or wants me to meet his mother.

Your lady sure knows her way around a cucumber.


Either way, I start looking for reasons to walk.

This is why you need Tinder.

Give me your phone.

- Just swipe, f*ck, leave.

- V, where are you?

You're drunk.

I just Tinder f*cked.

Six pack, only in town for a week.

What's the tattoo?




- s*x and back to thinking money.

- [laughs]

What are you?

My financial consultant?

You mean you're actually a financial consultant?

- What's wrong with your neck?

- Weird rash.


It's mouth-shaped.

- Slut.

- I know you are, but what am I?

Oh, I'll spank her later.


What about me?

- [Gus]

Know what's weird?

- Hmm?

Sitting at a family diner with an erection.

I'll keep that image in mind while I'm clearing plates of fried eggs.

[crowd cheering]




[upbeat music]

I love you.

Did I mention that I'm falling in love with you?

I f*cking love you, okay?

What I want is Fiona.

I love her.

Love is fleeting, Jimmy.

Do you know what he just told me?

That he's fallin' in love with me.

You didn't say it back, did you?

I'm falling in love with you, too.

- No.

- Good girl.


But I'm, like, freakin' out.

I'm, like, tingling.

[phone beeps, music stops]


Come with me.

Costa Rica.

Well, I don't have a passport.

We'll get one in Miami.

[sweeping music]

- Wanna get married?

- I'd marry you.

Well, if it were up to me, I'd do it today.

Do it right now.

This is stupid, right?

- Right.

- Should we just go?

Gus Pfender and Fiona Gallagher.

How are you today, Mrs. Pfender?

You're the one sleepin' with a married woman.

What's that make you?


If I proposed to you with this big-ass ring, you'd be so impressed.

Oh, the timing's a little weird.

The ink's barely dry on your divorce.

I didn't think your wedding was gonna become an annual tradition like Thanksgiving.

We're good for each other.



Oh, you should not have done that.


Oh, yeah?


[crowd cheering]

Where'd you learn about music?

You living on Mars?

- Your mom.

- Oh, yeah?

- Last time I banged her.

- Oh, yeah.

That makes a lot more sense.

She has awful taste.

[singing with recording]

Tell me everywhere You wanna go When you can't find the magic You are awful.

[singing with recording]


I love you.


Oh, f*ck you.

Do you still love me?

- Don't do it.

- No.


Oh, Fiona.

[upbeat music]

I misread that, didn't I?

Scrub my back?

You want me to scrub your back?

- [laughing]

- [grunts]

Most of the guys weren't very nice to her, though.

Well, she had a bad picker.

It's probably why you're gay.

- What?

How so?

- Isn't that, like, textbook psychology?

You know, she never showed you, like, a good example of a straight relationship or something.

And that's why I'm gay?



Not because I'm born this way?

What am I, a f*ckin' scientist?

I don't know.

Or because I like your D very much.


Nothing to do with that.

Don't f*ckin' stop.

So this that I'm doing with my hand right now...

only has to do with Fiona's shitty boyfriends?


[bell dings]


[percussive music]


Maybe you buy me a drink to make up for it?

You think I wanna buy you a f*ckin' drink?


Here we go.

- So no?

- You know, apparently, you can break their f*ckin' nose, and still, they think you wanna f*ck them.

You know why?

'Cause all men are f*ckin' scum!

All of them!

Can you believe that this guy today told me I was complicated?



Are you serious?


You married that guy after, like, a week.

There's a little part of me that wonders if we didn't make a big f*ckin' mistake.

Then let's make it the most fun big f*ckin' mistake we ever made.

And you cheated on him with your car thief ex-boyfriend.

I slept with my ex.

This must be the hubby.

How's it going, man?

How you doing?


Oh, my God!

- God!

- What the f*ck?

Nice to meet you!

You had several different names.

Everything's great, Jimmy-Steve.

His name's Jimmy now.

Steve was just a... an alias he used to lie to me about who he really was.

Ooh, not cool, Jimmy-Steve.

f*ck that.

And I'm calling him Steve.

Jack's a good thief, Fiona,

- but a shitty person.

- Jack.

Why does my name have to make a difference?


Almost married a heroin addict.

He might seem like a good guy, but I thought the same thing when he was my fiancé, and he lies, and he steals, and if you're ever f*cking and you notice track marks on his arms, maybe don't keep f*cking!



You're back on drugs?

Oh, my God.

You b*st*rd!

Didn't you also get fired from a job for f*cking her boss's brother?


Oh, yeah.

- Tell me what you told Mike.

- [Robbie]

The truth!

He needed to know.


f*ck you.


I'd like you to leave now.


Okay, I get it.

I'm complicated.

- Oh, I can keep going.

- Oh, f*ck you guys.

Is it weird that I'm attracted to you now more than ever?

Are you asking me on a date?

Guys, Fiona, from the diner.

This is my girlfriend, Gigi.

- Your girlfriend?

- I live with him.


That is so funny.

- Bye.

- You're leavin'?

Have a nice life, Fiona.

Hey, Jimmy, I just wanted to say, go f*ck yourself.

He didn't even have the balls to dump me in person.

Car thief.

Lied about his name for months.

I'm just pissed I wasted two years of my life.

Have a good life, f*ckin' asshole!

Holy sh1t.

You're a f*ckin' asshole.



Is Ford here?

I'm his wife.

- [laughing]

- Fiona.

I'm such a f*ckin' idiot.

- Fiona, wait.

- Take your f*cking hands off my car.

- Don't do this, Fiona.

- Take your f*cking...

- No, I f*cking...


- Take your f*cking hands off my car!




Holy sh1t.


That looks terrible.

Like, my brain is rejecting that an otherwise very hot girl can look this bad.


Just want my tools back.

Tell me how much you want for the tools.


I'm done with men.

My instincts suck.

No shithead radar.

I was surprised to hear from you on Facebook.

You were always with that bitchy cheerleader.

What was her name?

Lucy Jo?

- You mean my wife.

- Oh, sh1t.


- Seriously?

- [yelping]

- Bitch!

- [Debbie screams]

That's for f*cking my husband!

- Remember me?

- sh1t!


Lucy Jo Heisner?

Why would he tell her?

'Cause you chose a pussy.

You always pick pussies.


You can't just keep showing up.

You have to let me go.

You have to let me let you go.

I need you to do that for me.

Take care of yourself, Fiona Gallagher.


You take care of yourself, whatever the hell your real name is.

Open up.


Holy f*ck.

Is that Ford?

- Yeah.

- Someone help, please!


Does a paintball gun hurt?

- Oh, f*ck, yeah.

- Not if you deserve it.

- [Ford groaning]

- [paintballs landing]

[cheers, laughter]

This is my wedding day.

Please don't f*ck it up.

Oh, yeah, I know you, Seanie boy.

Takes a dope fiend to know a dope fiend, and you are world class.

Is that true?


Oh, he's a junkie, through and through, your husband-to-be.

- Hi, Fiona!

- She can't hear you, V.

- I know, Kevin.

- She lives in Florida.

I mean, your voice is loud, but not that loud.

Okay, whatever.



What can I say about my girl?

She is my bestie.

When she was here, we did everything together, any of your typical gal-pal stuff, we did it.


♪ We goin' out tonight ♪

♪ We gonna do it right ♪

Let's talk bachelorette party.

Oh, I got that covered.

Don't worry.

'Cause we gon' be doin' it

- [Debbie]


- Let's go, let's go.

♪ So tell me what you're takin' ♪


You bitches lied to me!

[Fiona humming "Bridal Chorus"]


Voilà, ladies!

You did it in a car?

How romantic.

Meg's right.

- I am a loser.

- Hey!

You're Fiona Gallagher.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

I need a body.

A real, live body?

Not live.


Knew I could count on you.


Holy sh1t!

Pre-certified for a mortgage loan of up to $ , .

I mean, no offense, but giving that kind of money to you?


[Veronica vocalizing]

Kevin turned down a blow job today.

He only wants to get off inside me now.

Obsessed with saving his spunk for having a baby.

Look at you, the romantic.

You drinking for the both of us.

Once these little girls pop out, I'm gonna be downing my first vodka before the doctor even pulls her hand out of my hoo-ha.

I want my boobs back.

I want my life back.

I want my husband back.

You haven't gotten laid lately, have you?

I need to get dressed up like a s*x object and be objectified.

Drinking, dancing, guys looking at my ass.

♪ Me and my friends, we go savage ♪

♪ We 'bout to cause some damage ♪

♪ My friends take advantage ♪

♪ You wish that you could have it ♪

♪ Do it again, automatic ♪

♪ We 'bout to cause a panic ♪

What happened?

- I had an orgasm.

- You had an...

That's how horny and lonely I've been these days.

Did I just cheat on Kev?

Tell me, Fiona.

How do you feel about deli meats?


Hey, V, do you still have that mini camera you use for titty shots?

He's right in there.

You know what you're doing?

Do I know how to make a man ask me for a hummer?

Wait here.

I got it all on tape.

- He's nasty.

- Right?

Gotta be entrepreneurial, right?



Yeah, I guess you two were pretty close.

- "Pretty close"?

- But Fiona and I were thick as thieves.

- What?

"Thick as thieves"?


- No, I'm serious.

- Not as thick as me and her.

- Thicker.

Are you out of your mind?

Am I?

Kev, do guys get PMS?


You asking me if I bleed from my nuts once a month?

You hooked up with Tony?

Tony's sweet.

How charitable of you.

Serve and protect, huh?

Serve and protect.

You've been acting like a dude all summer.

Oh, it's okay for guys to play the field, but not me?

It's okay if you want guys to start running their dicks through the dishwasher after they bone you.

Shut up.

So you won't be getting up on my Kevin anytime soon?


He's like my brother.

It'd be like making out with you.


You just made my boy parts get bigger.

f*ck off.

Self-exam is no laughing matter.

Are you serious?


It's not a s*x thing.

It's a "save your life" thing.


What is the word again?

- Malignant.

- [Kev]


Raise your arms, Fiona, because "malignant" is not a word you ever want to have to remember.

Thank you.

- Okay.

- All right, you're good.


Since when do you work at the Laundromat?

I own the place.

It seemed like it would be easy.

You know, a half a dozen washing machines, nice cash flow.

I-I thought that I was seizing an opportunity, and now I feel like a f*ckin' idiot.



I don't know what we're laughing about.


Hey, listen up, everyone.

I'm offering free drinks if you come help me out right now for a few hours.

- Hey.

- I brought help.


What a sh1t show.

I got tools in my truck.

I'll go grab 'em.

Everybody, shovel all this broken tile out.

Get it the hell out of here.

[uplifting music]

I don't know how I'd do it without you guys.

You know that Jagermeister really makes you chatty.

- [snorts, laughs]

- Right?

Okay, fine.

You and Fiona had a nice relationship.

She was the best girl friend I've ever had.

She was the only girl friend you ever had.

That's because anytime I tried to make friends with other women, they always wanted to f*ck me.

- Oh, is that what it was?

- Yeah.

Fiona's the only woman who's never wanted to f*ck me.

Because she's like a sister to us.

She's family.

Ew, you're right.

Thank God she never wanted to f*ck me.


Thank God.

Am I camera ready or what?


[upbeat music]


Yes, baby.

[laughter, cheers]

You don't actually have to get married, do you?

What's the point, then?


All the free sh1t, baby.

- Oh!

- [Fiona]


- Oh, damn.

- Ooh, baby, come on.

Okay, Gallaghers.

You're the only family I got, so let's put this on film, huh?

[camera beeping]

- [camera shutter snaps]

- [Veronica]

I might not mind having a baby Kev running around.

Little tomorrow person.


Well, that's what I call little mixed-race babies.

Little people of tomorrow.

If it is a boy...

If it is a boy, you gotta circumcise.

I mean, have you ever seen one that's uncut?

You don't know what's going on up in there.

It does not make you wanna go downtown, and you want your kid to get his share of head, right?

Thank you!


- What's going on with him?

- He had a vasectomy.

- Little swelling.

- [Kev]

Little swelling.

My ball's the size of a grapefruit, V.

Kevin and I got into a fight.

Screw that.

- Fi...

- No.

- Screw that.

- Fiona.

I'm out of my mind 'cause you and V are the only things that have ever made sense to me in this whole fucked-up world.

I swear to God, if you leave V...

- You're leaving V?

- No!

Fiona, what the hell?

[soft music]

I'm sorry, but I would never leave you.

You gotta know that.

After everything we've been through, you kind of just have to know that.



You just snotted the whole table.


Thank you, thank you, but I'm not actually a stripper.

- Shut up.

Take the cash.

- [Veronica]


Thank you.

I've never dranken from a pen1s before.



So it's come to this, huh?

You wanna know about Fiona.

The perspective only a father can give.

I have a lot to say, you know, but first, am I getting paid for this?

It might determine just how juicy the details are that I give you.


Otherwise, suit yourself.

You get what you get from me.

Anyway, what can I say?

Fiona, Fiona, Fiona, Fiona, Fiona.




f*ck, Frank!

Frank, what the hell is going on?

As of right now, you are officially on the wagon.

Are those my jeans, Frank?

You're not leaving Hymie here, Frank.

This isn't a DUI, Frank.

You're a f*ckin' asshole, Frank.

You look like sh1t, Frank.

The doctor talk to you, Frank?


"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Stop drinking.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

Why does it always come down to Frank?

Oh, f*ck, Frank.

Piss off, Frank.

Sleep in your room, Frank.

What you need, Frank?

Frank, what are they doing in our yard?


Enough with the kicking!


Frank, one more word, you'll be sharing a mattress with your friends out back.


Let's not be hasty.

You are not part of this conversation, Frank.

Would you happen to have a spare bed for your old pops?



- Hey, Frank.

- Frank.






















I go by Francis now.

[door closes]

[upbeat music]

- [door slams]

- So strident.

Chip off the old block.

Like father, like daughter.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

These expressions don't begin to describe how similar me and the heir to my throne are...

starting with our work ethic.

[exhales deeply]

Tell me what my benefits would be if I were to retire right now.

It says here you only worked six weeks your entire life.


if you mean a "formal" job.

- What are we doing today?

- Biohazard.

Got a few blocks of raw sewage down there.

That's the problem with working.

Too much instability.


I saw the "help wanted" sign.

It's minimum wage, nights.

I need a job.

Get a job, Frank.

Well, now, why would I do that, Gail?

How do you think we made it all these years, huh?

You ready, big man?

Come on.


Busting my ass, working eight jobs...

Who's got the jumbo dog?

How'd you know?

X-ray vision.


Keep the change, darling.

"Your Illinois State work compensation has been terminated"!


Gotta find a job.

Show me the special list.


These are the jobs nobody wants.

Conditions are hazardous, unsafe, or both.

You're guaranteed to get hurt.

Good man, Gary.


Serious injuries that occur each year show that a forklift can be dangerous.

I don't like that you're getting hurt on purpose to make money; isn't that cheating?

I prefer to think of it as helping.

- You do?

- When I collect workman's comp, some lady has to fill out the paperwork.

Wasn't for me, she'd be unemployed.

Well, it's back to the grindstone for this guy.

- Whoa!

- Oh, careful, Frank.

That spill almost got you there.


Already lost one best work friend.

Don't need to lose another so soon.

[dance music]

Gotta find something more permanent.

Tell Juan that Kim sent you.

It's not hookin', right?

It is hooking?

I'm barely scraping by.

I've been cleaning a dead body out of an apartment all day.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no.

Oh, f*ck.

You've gone and died, Billy!

No, no, no!



Paramedics are on the way.

I can't stay here and watch them zip him up.

- What's up, Frank?

- Big score.

- Fresh dead guy.

- You diggin' that smell?

Something die in here?

Maggots, roaches, rats, flies.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- Keep your mouth shut.

And I don't mean "shut up."

I mean don't let anything splash in your mouth.

I want you to break my leg.

I need the insurance money.

If you love me, son, you'll do this.

Can I put it on YouTube?



It's time for the talk.

"The talk"?

The (k) talk.

Oh, f*ck!




You're eligible to participate.

What's a (k)?

What, I'm supposed to take off work to go do this?

Of course not, because, uh, as you know, this injury's prevented you from working.

- Remember?

- Oh, sh1t.

I got a meeting today.

I'm gonna start looking at commercial properties.

You don't have much in the way of work history.

Been a stay-at-home dad most of my life.

What do you think the rental increase per square foot is gonna be year to year with gentrification?

- At least percent.

- Really?

Aren't things actually leveling off?

- _ - I got kicked out of the military 'cause I couldn't get enough of his cock.


Thank you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Oorah.

So what the hell, Whitford?

Do you think I'm not smart enough?

Or you just like making women feel like they need to f*ck you to join an LLC?

I see you visited our hospital times, and you have no insurance.

Difficulty securing employment in this challenging economy.

Unemployment rate is under percent.

We're hiring janitors without hands.

Fiona learned everything she knows from me.

She was my A-plus student, my protégé, and as a result of everything I taught her, she respected me, looked up to me.

She appreciated my ways of the world and the infinite wisdom I held, but because Fiona was a young spirit, not experienced in life, she sometimes doubted my choices...

Would butt in, insert herself into my process.

She didn't always trust that I had things absolutely under control.

Oh, sh1t.


[rock music]

You think...

[slurred ranting]

f*ckin' folding you...

I wouldn't put him anywhere near carpet till his pants dry a bit.

- Who the hell is that?

- My dad.

Oh, you found our emergency fund.

So we're covered.

Oh, no.

Come on, no!


It hurts.

Need a sponge bath.



How long did the doctor say you were gonna be like this?


Fork over the cash!


Some old-ass junkie's trying to hit us again.

Let's go.

No, no, no, no.

Wait, uh, pull.


Oh, sh1t.


Oh, what did I do this time?

- Jesus.

- Guess who came by today.

The city.

They're digging up the yard to work on the sewer line.

You need to find Aunt Ginger before they do.

You buried her.

You unbury her.

Guys, bad news.

We all gotta dig tonight.

Frank can't find Aunt Ginger.


Once again, saddled with a mess we didn't create.


The sooner we get out there and dig, the sooner it'll all be over.

[laughing, squeals]


I'll get the money.

I will get the money somehow.

I'll do it.

I'll make it right.

I'll make it right.

[soft knocking on window]


Sir, step out of the car.

Ten thousand says you cannot get Tasered and not soil your tighty-whities.

Do it!


Where's my f*ckin' money?

You were serious about that?

We'll keep the kid as collateral.

- Frank!

- Frank!



Where is Liam?

He's at his first sleepover.

[gun cocks]

Who the f*ck are you?

We want Liam back.

He's collateral.

You better start shootin'.


Good to see you.

Man, shut the f*ck up.

Now, where the hell is our brother?

I didn't mean for that...

Twenty questions to see if Al-Anon could be right for you.

- [Lip]


How'd you do?

- Twenty out of twenty.

"Have holidays or gatherings ever been spoiled by a loved one's drinking?"

"Have you ever called the police for fear of abuse?"

Out, or I swear to God, I'm gonna call the cops.

What kind of a Gallagher are you?



Are the asses in the window gonna be a problem?



"Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?"

Can you connect me with Child Welfare Services?

You're the one who called DFS on 'em to have 'em taken away.

[agent over phone]

And what's the situation?

Six kids living in squalor.

No parental supervision.

"Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly?"



What are you doing, Frank?

I'm just watching you sleep.

Jesus Christ.

You're really starting to creep me out.

And my personal favorite, "Do you care for others easily..."

f*ck, Frank.

[gentle music]

"but find it difficult to care for yourself?"


Good job, Fiona.

I don't know how I could do this without you.

- Thanks for all your hard work.

- [snores]

You're welcome, Dad.

So there you have it.

My mini me, Fiona Gallagher.

Direct descendant of my loins.

We breathe the same air, which, of course, is why sometimes I've had to step in and school her, teach her a life lesson, show her the ropes, as it were.

Sometimes I may have... inadvertently hurt her, but at the end of the day, I'm the one who knows what's best for her because I am her.

[upbeat music]


- Ah!

- Come here!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Do not let that woman in.

The hell did you do?


Know how I know you f*cked him?

He told me, you filthy pen1s mitten!

[Frank giggles]

I was chased from my own house, and now I'm hiding in yours.

Holy sh1t, I'm you.

I have waited for this day.

♪ And it's you, and it's me ♪

♪ And it's us, and the ♪ ♪ new girl makes three ♪

♪ No one really knows ♪ ♪ how far you're gonna go ♪

♪ When you're swaying ♪ ♪ to the sinners revelry ♪

- What?

- That's my stool.


Well, tough sh1t.

Looks like it's my stool now.

Come on, it's my stool.

That's where I sit.

Come on.

Let me sit here.

Get... f*ck, all right.



♪ Who's gonna save me, pretty baby? ♪

♪ 'Cause your daddy is going down ♪

♪ I was raised by the wolves ♪ ♪ in the wild, honey child ♪

Do you remember anything about last night?

- No.

- Me neither.

Hey, how about that ecstasy?

No, thanks.

You already took it.

Hurry up in there.

I gotta help my mother out of bed and take her to the bathroom.

Really putting a damper on your "drink, puke, sleep" schedule, huh?

I can't take it anymore.

Your problem.

Not ours.

- [loud crashing]

- Ah!

What was that?

Where's your grandmother?

Buying more supplies.

I'm gonna kill her.

I never thought I'd say this, but you were right; we have to get rid of her.

She's putting our lives in danger.

I will f*ck you up!

- sh1t!

- Whoa!

- [gunshot]

- [people screaming]

Put a hit out on her.

She's your mother.

Oh, like you haven't thought about doing that to me before.

- We set her up?

- Yeah, I guess that's what I mean.

Finally thinking like a Gallagher.

We could have the cops pick her up, tell them it's a Chapter .

- Mental disorder?

- They'd take her away.


Okay, so we'll clean up the meth lab, air the place out, and then call the cops.

They'll bring her to a geriatric psych ward, hold her hours, do an evaluation.

- What if they find her normal?

- Oh, get the f...

Okay, you're right.

Welcome to the ranks of the unemployed.

I'm fine with it.

I mean, f*ck them.

Being broke sucks, though.

Ah, you get used to it.

You just gotta be creative.

Buy me a beer?


That's funny.

- f*ck all of you.

- Ungrateful little sh1ts!


Rattin' me out.


That's why things I do for them...

- Blood, sweat, and tears...

- [Fiona]

If it weren't for me, none of you NA M*therf*ckers would even have a job.


This is not how a family treats each other.

Can I be honest with you?

I am not the reason that your life is a piece of crap.

You came out of me a loser.

It's tough.

My parents suck, too.

Morning, Sweathogs.


We got a blackout.

No sh1t, Frank.

Where there's panic, there's money to be made.

You mean rippin' people off?

Completely legit.

Frank's Blackout Supply has everything you need.


What's in it for me?

- Twenty percent?

- Seventy.

- Thirty.

- Fifty percent, final offer.

No one's gonna buy anything from you, Frank.

You're Frank.


- Gallagher Blackout Supply.

- [laughs]

Got everything you need right here, folks!


Who's waiting on cold, soaked rags?


Two waters.

Two beers.

Could I get a battery over here?

Here you go.

Who wanted the bat...

There you go.



Help me.

What are we doing?

We're being creative.

- [laughs]

- Dump.


I don't...

Hey, that's my kid's pool, m*therf*cker!

- [Frank]

Oh, sh1t.

- [Fiona]

Come on, come on.

- [Frank]

Oh, sh1t.

- [Fiona]

Come on, run, run.


Oh, whoa!

Here you go.

Thank you.

How much to charge a phone?

- It's a dollar a minute.

- Okay, I'll take five.

Beer, beer, thank you, thank you, thank you.

We made a shitload of money out there today.

You're really good at this.

There's your half.

I wanna renegotiate.

- The hell?

- Sixty-forty, or next time, I just open my own Blackout Supply, and, trust me, you don't want me as your competition.

Thanks, Francis.

- All right, it's filming.

- Frank, come on!

[all speaking at once]



[all speaking at once]

We were supposed to be done with this ten minutes ago.

[all speaking at once]

You want me to come do it, huh?

All right.

- [Carl]

Your shoulder's in me.

- All right, all right,

- all right, all right.

- [Liam]

That's my knee!


You guys ready?

All right.

- We're good?

All right.

- [Liam]


We have one more thing we wanna say.

Since you're asking about Fiona...

and you all want to know about her...

there's one thing we haven't told you yet.

Yeah, I'm not part of this sh1t.

If someone you know is f*ckin' with you...

Hell, if someone you don't know is f*ckin' with you...

we got a piece of advice.

If you wanna protect your family and friends...


go Fiona on 'em!

- [Frank]


- [Veronica]


- [Frank]

That'll do it.

- [Veronica]


Get out of here, you piece of sh1t!

You better run, you sick b*st*rd!

You don't return my calls or my texts?

Stop hitting me!


God damn it!


Tell me you didn't go all Fiona on him.

What have you done?

What have you done?


You left Liam where?

For f*ck's sake, Deb.

Did you write a Yelp review?


That feels pretty bad, doesn't it, huh?

[cute boy]

It's okay, baby.

Maybe you should stop being such an asshole, huh?

Go cry to your daddy about your trust fund, you little bitch!

"Going Fiona" is not a thing.

Trust me.

It's a thing.

Mind your f*ckin' business.

Butt the f*ck out.

Is that so f*ckin' hard?

My heinous c**t of a half sister called the f*cking...


No, asshole.


f*ck, no.

Get the f*ck outta here.

What the f*ck was that?


f*ck you!

Oh, if they happen to...

f*ck you!

f*ck you.

f*ck you.

f*ck off.

You f*cked with the wrong girl.

Time to go Gallagher.

Nobody f*cks with the Gallaghers.

Game on, m*therf*cker!

You fuckers!

God damn it.

The f*ck are you doing here?

What the f*ck are you doing here?

Well, I thought we could celebrate together.

Or I could stab myself in the eye with a pencil.

- Oh, you got a mirror?

- Oh, yeah.

Right here.

Oh, wait.

It's a baseball bat.


I'll kill you with my bare f*ckin' hands.

They are goin' down.

Smoke bomb.



Did you go all Fiona on him?

That is not a thing.

I am sick of gettin' f*cked.


South Side!

I don't need you to stand up for me!

I can stand up for myself!

The Laundromat is closed!

I have had a shitty day!

- [overlapping shouting]

- Rubbed his dick...

Shut up!

Go cry to your...



- I don't need...

- [Eliza]

Fiona, come on!

- [Fiona].. your money!

- [Eliza]

Little help, please?

Get out of here, Ford.

Get her some water.

I don't need anything from you!




Is this fun or what?

[laughs, pants]

[band plays light rock music]

♪ When I was young ♪

♪ I remember ♪

- ♪ I was taught not to say the F word ♪

- Ugh!



♪ [Gus] I guess I forgot ♪

♪ As a grown man with ♪

♪ an open heart inside ♪

♪ I got married to the F word ♪

♪ And my heart slowly died ♪

♪ F is for Fiona ♪

What my family is has fuck-all to do with you.

♪ [Gus] With her fists of flailing fire ♪

♪ F is for Fiona ♪


♪ [Gus I felt like I could fly ♪

♪ But then ♪

♪ f*cking Fiona ♪

♪ Was f*cking everyone ♪

What are you waitin' for?

♪ [Gus] So f*ck you, Fiona ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm f*cking done ♪

You were f*ckin' right, and we were f*ckin' wrong, Fiona.

♪ [Gus] f*ck you, Fiona ♪

♪ With your fists of flailing fire ♪

♪ And then ♪

♪ f*cking Fiona ♪

[Fiona] Guess what.

The cook rubbed his dick on all of your meals.

Yeah, enjoy.

♪ [Gus] Fiona ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm f*cking done ♪

[clippers snap]

♪ So f*ck you, Fiona ♪