01x09 - A Fox, A Rabbit And A Cabbage

[bunniefuu]

(Man) Erstwhile on Fargo... _

Mom home?

Yeah.

Let's eat.

I'm starving.

(Man on phone)

FBI.

I called a couple times now about the Fargo Syndicate m*ssacre.

I might know the fella responsible.

Jesus.

This is where you work now.

I have a commendation.

I give you Insurance Salesman of the Year,

Lester Nygaard.

So proud of ya, Lester.

Oh, miss?

Can we have some more sparkling water?

[Inaudible dialogue]

[Man yodeling]

♪ ♪

[Country music]

♪ Aha ♪

[Device beeps]

And this is any animal.

Pig, gopher, chicken.

They go long enough without sleep,... you start to see abnormalities, behavior-wise.

First there's the inability to concentrate and perform certain fine motor skills.

Then you start to see... and the army did studies on this in the '50s... the effects of sleep deprivation on the human brain.

I know 'cause a buddy of mine's dad was a subject back during the Korean conflict.

I mean, sh*t, Ray.

What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?

[Mumbles]

Five days for me.

This was back in dental school.

Marty Perlmutter stole a prescription pad, wrote us all a scrip for amphetamines, so we could cram for finals.

And boy, howdy, I tell ya, after three days of no sleeping, I was an animal.

All right, mi amigo.

That ought to do it.

I'm still a little worried about the 203 and the 204, so we should make an appointment to get together again in about six months.

Appreciate it, doc.

Really.

This black fella rolled over my foot with a steam cleaner, and I tell ya, this hurt worse than that did by a long sh*t.

Yeah, nerve pain... that's a bear.

Oh, uh, you want to avoid nut brittles for a few days and any kind of fruit with pits.

Jemma's got a pamphlet.

All right.

Okay.

Yo.

Mick Mike.

We still on for golf next week?

Course we are, Burty Burt.

But more importantly, are you and Louise still gonna make it on Sunday?

Do dogs smell each other's butts?

I think I might have observed that type of behavior on occasion.

[Laughs]

Well, we'll be there.

Weezy's making her famous five-bean dip.

[Pops lips, laughs]

Aces.

[Laughter]

[Overlapping chatter]

[The Lemon Pipers'

Green Tambourine plays]

Here.

Oh, thanks, babe.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Mick Mike.

I just keep pinching myself.

[Laughs]

Well, honey, you've earned it.

It's like my mama always said, "Boys, if you like the milk, buy the freakin' cow."

Oh, that's so sweet.

Well, I am gonna stick my whole thumb up your ass later.

Aces.

[Giggles]

[Slaps]

[Squeals, laughs]

♪ listen while I play-lay-lay-lay-lay-lay ♪
♪ my green tambourine ♪

Yello.

Hey, hey.

♪ watch the jingle jangle start to chime ♪

Now, darling, is this guy bothering you or what?

[Laughs]

Oh, you.

We are gonna tie one on tonight, friend-o, I'm telling ya.

No time like the present.

That's what I always say.

Yeah.

The bean dip?

You betcha.

Ooh.

Let's go, Burt.

(Jemma)

Oh, you look great.

You too. Oh.

Ice wine.

[Grunts]

Buddy of mine says they swear by this stuff in Finland.

Well, they're a bunch of sex-crazed alcoholics, so they should know, right?

[Laughs]

Sweet.

Mm.

Weezy says, uh, you popped the question.

You gonna make Jemma an honest woman, huh?

Oh, yeah, I cried like a baby.

I'm not afraid to admit it.

Well, she's something else, that Jemma.

Just between us girls, that body, is it...

I mean...

What's she like in the sack?

Hellcat.

[Sighs]

It's the only word for it.

sh*t.

Yeah.

Weezy's basically a Jew in the bedroom.

Oh, you mean she wears a wig, makes you do it through a hole in the sheet, yeah.

No.

No, no.

[Clears throat]

She stopped putting it in her mouth soon as the ring went on her finger.

Well, that's a national tragedy, Burt.

[Chuckles]

Amen.

Gotta tell you, Mick Mike, I sure do like having you around.

Well, likewise, Burty Burt.

The office was dead dull till you showed up.

Positively geriatric.

I'm a rascal.

There's no two ways about it.

[Laughs]

Yes, sirree, Bob.

Like I told you before, you and my brother would get along like gangbusters.

Well, I'd like to meet him.

Yeah.

Like I said, it's tricky... he, uh... he's in Witness Protection.

Say what?

Said he's in Witness Protection.

Turned states evidence against these mob guys out of Chicago.

Told him not to.

Now I haven't seen him in over a year.

He still calls, though.

Not supposed to, you know,

but you can't break up

The Canton Boys.

I'll betcha.

Aw, screw it.

What are you doing next weekend?

You tell me.

I like that.

"You tell me."

[Chuckles]

Well, Weezy and me, we're headed for Vegas to a little family reunion.

Why don't you and Jemma tag along?

Aces.

(Man on tape)

You did this to me.

I had a wife, a family.

I was happy, and then you started...

(Lorne)

Started what?

All we did was talk.

(Man)

No, that's not...

No, you said things, jumbled me up.

Told me I needed...

And now they're dead.

Why did I listen to you?

Why?

Oh.

[Sirens wail on tape]

Tell my wife

I love her.

[g*nsh*t on tape]

[Eerie orchestration]

♪ ♪

(Lorne)

So I come in and sit down.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Michaelson."

You know, the whole drill.

Oh, honey, could we get some more sparkling water?

Thank you.

I put my mask on.

Tawny hands me the number two needle.

I start to give the guy a novocaine sh*t.

Well, I stick the needle in my own finger.

And, yeah.

And it hurt, but I didn't wanna look dumb, so I try it again.

Next time I stick it in my thumb.

[Laughter]

Now I'm so flustered that I go to take my mask off.

But I'm still holding the needle, jab it right in my face.

[Laughter]

And the patient... the patient is like, "Uh, doc, what's wrong?"

And I'm like...

[Gibberish]

I mean, it was insane.

(Burt)

You're a riot.

He's a riot.

Oh, you have no idea.

Oh, boy.

All right, so...

We are all set for tomorrow to go see you-know-who.

Should be fun.

Real clandestine stuff.

Change cars twice.

No phones.

Jeez, who did you say is after this guy again?

Well, what are the odds?

Sorry?

[Laughs]

It's me, Lester.

I'm sorry, sir, you must have me confused with someone else.

Nope, Minnesota, last year.

The Emergency Room.

I didn't recognize you at first either,

'cause you got a whole new, uh...

But hey, so have I.

What do you think of the suit?

Bill Blass.

Check this out.

Salesman of the year.

[Whistles]

Gave it to me on a stage and everything.

Uh, Mick Mike,... you gonna introduce us to your friend there?

You know, I'd love to, Burt.

But unfortunately, I've never met this man before in my life, so...

What?

Oh.

Right, yeah, we don't know each other.

[Clears throat]

Okay, honey, let's go.

We're never gonna make the show if we don't get out of here.

[Clears throat]

Walk away.

Sorry, I must have...

Congratulations on your award.

Thank you.

Burt, did I ever tell you about the time I made a night guard for Britney Spears?

[Laughs] Really?

I swear.

[Conversation continues indistinctly]

Come on.

He was a piece of work, huh?

Who's that?

That... that guy in the bar.

You sure you don't know him?

No, no, people nab me all the time.

Just one of those faces, I guess.

Yeah.

No.

You don't get to...

And I'm sorry to interrupt,

but it's not right.

When something's not right,... well, the old Lester, now, he would've just let it slide.

But not this guy.

I've worked too hard, I've come too far...

Lester, stop.

Oh, so now you do know me?

Honey?

Is this what you want?

Uh...

Hey, Mick Mike,... lighten up, huh?

Lester... is this what you want?

Yes or no?

Yes.

[Screams]

[Gasps]

Oh, my God!

[Panting]

Oh, my...

That's on you.

[Elevator dings]

I worked this guy for six months, Lester.

Six months.

Can you imagine the number of sewer mouths I put my hands in?

The gallons of human spit?

Plus the $100,000 bounty down the toilet, but, uh...

Still, the look on his face when I pulled the g*n, classic, huh?

[Panting]

[Bell rings]

Grab the fat guy's feet.

We'll throw him in a dumpster.

[Both grunt]

sh*t, Lester.

See you later, Lester.

See you soon.

[Panting]

Oh, sh*t.

[Grunts]

All right.

Okay, get dressed.

We gotta...

Lester, are you okay?

Get dressed.

Get dressed.

Get dressed, get dressed.

Come on.

Okay, go, go.

Wait a second.

All right, let's go.

Keep up, hon.

Keep up.

Lester, you're hurting my hand.

Sorry, sorry.

[Elevator dings]

Okay, okay, come on.

[Elevator dings]

(Budge) A man has a fox, a rabbit, and a cabbage.

(Pepper)

What man?

Any man.

A man.

Colonel Sanders?

Could be.

Could be George W Bush.

Why would George W Bush have a fox and a rabbit and a cabbage?

Just listen.

A man has a fox, a rabbit, and a cabbage, and he wants to get across the river, but his boat can only carry one of them at a time.

Get a bigger boat.

No, no, that's not an option.

And here's the problem.

If the man leaves the fox and the rabbit alone, the fox is gonna eat the rabbit, and the same for the rabbit and the cabbage.

So how does the man get all three of his items across the river without losing any of them?

A Turducken.

A what's that now?

He stuffs the cabbage in the rabbit and the rabbit in the fox, and he eats all of them.

[Scoffs]

That's not the answer.

It's an answer.

Hello.

Incoming or outgoing?

I, uh, need you to pull the Syndicate file.

Why?

Is it like a clown car back there?

Why do you need the Syndicate file?

Yeah, did something happen with the case? A break?

No, just a phone call I gotta log.

Phone call from who?

Yeah, who called?

It's really none of your business.

Hey!

Deputy Solverson.

Solverson.

What does he say?

Says he knows who did it.

Okay.

Where's Bemidji?

[Gentle music]

♪ ♪

Thanks, dad.

I think I'd look cool with a limp.

Saw the profile of Bill in the paper.

Yeah.

For the record, I advised against wearing a sword in that picture.

Hon, can you pass the syrup?

Yeah, here you go.

Anyway, I'm in charge today on account of Bill's on his way to St. Paul now for a... what do you call it?

Law enforcement conference.

So watch your butts.

How's the route?

Can't complain.

You know, it takes me out by the lake, it's a nice drive.

(Lou) Dated the girl who delivered my mail once.

After her mother.

Convenient at first.

Awkward after, once we broke up.

Seeing her every day.

Ended up moving to a different neighborhood.

So that's why we moved.

You know you could've just had your mail sent to work.

Never thought of that.

So when's your last day?

About a month.

(Greta) - She's nesting.

Ah, jeez, you know, you buy one throw pillow.

Ah, we better...

Bye.

Bye, kids.

Hey, um, go fishing later?

You're the granddaughter I always wanted but was afraid to buy online.

Bye.

You did good, hon.

Yeah, and you by proximity, huh?

[Cell phone rings]

Solverson.

Bill.

Yeah, no, he's in the Twin Cities for...

Ah, jeez.

Three people, huh?

k*lled how?

In an elevator, huh?

You say one's a dentist?

Yeah, I'm...

What do Las Vegas Police want me to...

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I can go see their witness, get a statement.

What's, uh... what's the witness' name then?

(Linda)

Will you slow down?

You'd think we were being chased.

Sorry.

Was it me?

Did I do something?

What?

No, I told you.

I made a lot of new contacts at the awards.

Big fish.

You have to strike while the iron's hot.

I know, but you woke me up in the middle of the night.

Oh, I'll make it up to you.

How's that?

Hey, we can take a trip.

Anywhere you wanna go.

Natalie says in Acapulco you get to drink rum right out of the coconut.

Acapulco it is.

In fact, um, why don't...

We should leave tonight.

Really?

Sure, yeah, yeah.

I mean, why not?

Little fun in the sun.

Drink from a coconut.

We deserve it, huh?

What about work?

Your big fish?

You only live once, right?

Ahem, let's just... We'll go home, pack some stuff, then head back to the airport.

Have our toes in the sand by dawn.

A real adventure.

Oh, Lester.

Okay.

Now here is what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go inside and pack your best bikini, and I'm gonna get changed and head to the office.

I'm gonna buy the tickets, get the passports, and then we are gonna run away together.

Heck, we might never come back.

(Lester)

Ah, thanks, hon.

Here we go.

[Door opens]

[Suspenseful music]

[Shower running]

♪ ♪

(Man on TV)

Truss the circle, so whenever you go around, you just keep going even though you think you'll fail...

So I checked, and there's an 11:00 out of Minneapolis.

So we should be on the road by 6:00.

Okay.

I'll defrost that pea soup.

We can have that before we go.

Oh, yeah, sounds good.

Love you, hon.

Love you too.

[Cooking show continues in background]

Oh.

Scared me there.

Startled me.

Mr. Nygaard, Deputy Solverson.

Maybe you remember.

Yeah, sure.

I'm sorry to bother you, but we got a call from Las Vegas PD.

What?

Las Vegas Police.

They said you were, um... that you might be a witness to a m*rder.

Uh, three murders, actually.

(Linda)

Lester?

It's... it's fine.

Go back to your show.

Is everything okay?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Just a routine inquiry.

Is now a good time to ask you a few questions?

No.

Oh.

I mean, I got an appointment, I gotta get to work, and Linda's got shopping, so...

Now, Lester, don't be rude.

We just got back from Las Vegas.

Can you tell me what this is about, or is that classified?

Uh, well, yeah, actually...

Why don't... I could come to the station this afternoon and give a statement.

Not that I, you know, saw anything.

Honestly, Lester, stay or go, but I got a bladder the size of a penny, so...

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, yeah.

Please, come in.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[Dog barking]

[Tires screech]

Hey, guys, is your dad around?

(Boy)

Yeah. Daddy!

Dad!

Help ya?

Oh, not sure.

I'm looking for Lester Nygaard.

Oh, yeah, we bought the place from him in the fall.

Nice guy.

Yeah, that's Lester, all right.

Nicest guy you'll ever meet.

You got any idea how I can find him?

Uh, don't have a forwarding address.

He's got the shop over on Third, though.

Is that Bo Munk?

Nah, got his own place now, with his name on it.

Oh, nice.

Like I said, over on Third.

You can't miss it.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, uh...

One more thing.

You do know people were m*rder*d in this house, right?

Hell of a thing.

Man in the living room, shotgun.

Woman in the basement.

I think it was a hammering.

Afterwards, Lester told me he used to hear noises coming from the basement at night.

Footsteps on the stairs, a woman moaning, that kind of thing.

But I'm sure it was in his head.

You have a nice day.

Have fun, kids.

(Boy)

I don't like him.

(Molly)

So you won an award?

(Lester)

That's right.

(Linda)

Salesman of the Year.

(Lester)

Oh, uh, yeah, I...

It was a national competition, so...

Then it was dinner with Buck Young, who's the head of the whole deal... that gives the award.

That was some spread.

I think we closed that place down, drinking.

And I said I'm still up for some fun, and Linda said she wanted to go to bed.

I'm a morning person.

Yeah, but then I thought, heck, how often does something like this happen?

You know, winning an award?

So, yeah, a nightcap, you know, just to celebrate.

I told him to go.

Oh, yeah, so sure.

So I went to the bar.

And this is the bar at the hotel?

Yes, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

[Laughs]

Excuse me.

Uh, The Royale, I guess it's called.

I ordered a drink.

Uh, had a chat with the bartender for a bit.

Male or female?

Female.

A woman.

But, you know, one drink and I'm back upstairs to bed.

And what happened in the elevator?

Nothing.

I mean, it went up.

[Chuckles]

So everyone on the elevator was alive when you got off?

[Laughs]

Oh, yeah, they sure were.

They were laughing about something.

I don't...

Friday night in Vegas.

That is some place, I tell you.

Linda and me, we'd never been before.

What I love most are the fountains.

Yeah.

Also you can gamble at the airport.

Great.

Well, I checked, and it looks like you changed your flight at the last minute to come back on the first flight.

So what was the reason there?

That was me.

My idea.

(Linda) I just... I got homesick, you know?

Woke Lester up in the middle of the night and told him, did we have to stay another day?

'Cause I was ready to go home.

Yeah, that's right.

That is right.

And I remember I said, "Babe, the room is paid for through till Sunda... but she was adamant.

I tend to get my way.

Oh, boy, does she.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

Okay, then.

Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Nygaard.

No problem.

Missus.

(Linda)

When's the due date?

Oh, I've got a few weeks still.

Listen, um, Vegas PD is gonna send over some pictures from the hotel security camera, so don't leave town for a while.

I may have some more questions for you.

Oh, sh**t.

We were gonna go...

No, absolutely.

Absolutely.

We'll be right here if you need us.

[Radio beeps]

(Man on radio)

Car four, come back.

Car four, come back.

I'm coming.

Yeah, this is four.

Oh, hey, Molly, a couple of FBI fellas came by the station looking for you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, couldn't reach you on the radio.

Thought you'd be at your dad's, so I sent them there.

To the diner?

Yeah, so you should probably check in on them.

They seemed real eager to talk to you.

Okay, then, will do.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Coffee?

Yeah, decaf if you got it.

And a piece of pie.

I got apple and cherry.

No good ever came from a piece of cherry pie.

[Police radio chatter]

Thanks, friend.

Local PD?

State cop.

18 years.

Yeah, you got the look.

I spent some time with the Tampa DA.

Lawyer?

Yeah, something like that.

Say, you may be able to help me.

I will if I can.

I'm in town for not too much time, just passing through, really.

But, uh, I wanted to look up my old pal Lester Nygaard.

Oh, sure, I know Lester.

You go by his shop?

Oh, first thing.

But wouldn't you know it?

They're closed. - Oh.

Went by the house too, except, uh, turns out he's moved.

No kidding.

Mm.

So you can see my predicament.

You try calling him?

Yeah, I could do that, but I...

You know, I was kind of hoping to surprise him.

That's a pickle.

Yep.

That your boy?

In a way.

My daughter's husband.

Hmm.

They look happy.

Of course no one hangs the sad pictures.

Am I right?

Mom crying and dad looking angry.

Kid with a black eye.

How long did you say you worked for the Tampa DA?

Oh, I didn't say I worked there.

Spent some time is all.

Ah.

But that's just me.

I'm a traveler.

(Lorne)

Big cities and small towns.

Open road.

Which is why I thought, here we are in a... what do you call it?

Like, a tight-knit community.

So, uh... why don't I just ask?

So here I am, asking you if you know where I can find old Lester.

Had a case once, back in '79.

I'd tell you the details, but it'd sound like I made 'em up.

Madness, really.

Bodies?

Yes, sir.

One after another.

Probably, if you stacked 'em high, could've climbed to the second floor.

(Lou)

Now, I saw something that year I ain't ever seen, before or since.

I'd call it animal.

Except animals only k*ll for food.

This was...

Sioux Falls.

Ever been?

Went to Sioux City once back in my scandalous days.

But anyway, you didn't answer my question there.

(Lou)

Well, I'll tell you what.

You, uh... you leave me your number.

I'll make sure Lester gets it next time he comes in.

Well, that's a solid offer, friend, but like I said, I'm just passing through.

[Suspenseful music]

(Lorne) Thanks for the pie and the coffee.

Haven't had a piece of pie like that since the Garden of Eden.

♪ ♪

Heya, dad.

Heya, hon.

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes you just get a weird one.

Well, I'm supposed to meet a couple fellas from the...

Never mind.

I see 'em.

Hi there.

I'm...

Deputy Solverson.

That's right.

I'm Agent Budge.

This is Agent Pepper.

FBI from Fargo.

(Pepper)

We went by the station.

They told us you would be here.

Am now.

Should we grab a table?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You made a phone call to the field office yesterday about the m*ssacre last year.

Said you know who sh*t up the Syndicate building.

Called seven times according to the file.

(Pepper) Wouldn't take no for an answer.

I'm not clear on...

I mean, the FBI sent a fella already.

He looked at my evidence and said it was circumstantial, so...

A worker bee.

Or what do the ants call 'em?

A drone.

We're invested.

Got a personal stake is what my partner...

See, we were there on the day at the Syndicate.

Surveillance.

Day 156, logging the comings and goings.

Six months and nothing happens.

Going crazy with...

And then...

Yeah, so, you see, we're invested personally, like I said.

And when we heard you called...

That you have an answer.

So please, we have to know.

Who is he?

Um... dad, I think we're gonna need some coffees to go.

[Police radio chatter]

[Indistinct chatter]

(Budge)

My God.

You put all this together yourself?

Oh, no.

Gus helped me, my husband.

He used to be Duluth PD.

He's a mailman now.

But you can see why I think this is your guy.

(Bill)

Okay, I'm here.

Hey, Chief, these fellas are...

Bill Oswalt.

I'm the Chief here.

Sorry I wasn't around to...

I was at a conference, so... and then Cindy called and said there were two agents from the FBI here...

Oh, no.

No, Chief, listen...

No, no!

No, I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Molly, these guys aren't interested in...

[Sighs]

Let's meet in my office.

Have you seen this?

Have I seen this?

Son, this thing's been giving me nightmares.

Oh, come on now, that's not fair.

Well, she did tell you that we caught the guy responsible for k*lling the wife, didn't she?

Uh, you know, the brother Nygaard.

And he had the bloody hammer and...

So you don't care about the fact that this Malvo character was seen with Lester at the hospital?

Or that he ended up in Duluth in direct conflict with these other two?

(Bill)

No, because that...

Uh, what happened in Duluth...

I'm gonna call HQ and let them know we'll be staying the night.

We can take another run at Lester tomorrow.

Is there a motel?

Um, yeah, sure, I can...

I'll get you directions.

This is tremendous work, Deputy.

Impressive.

Yeah, I better just, um...

[Sighs]

[Pensive music]

♪ ♪

[Engine revs]

[Engine revs]

[Dog barking in the distance]

[Printer whirring]

Come on.

Okay.

All set.

Ready to go?

What? I thought we weren't gonna go.

Acapulco, here we come.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you betcha.

I talked to the deputy.

She said, sure, go.

So now we just gotta swing by the office and pick up the passports.

(Linda)

What about my coat?

Oh, you're not gonna need a winter coat where we're going.

(Linda) You know I had a crush on you right from when we met.

Mm.

Oh, yeah?

[Laughs]

Swear to God.

Used to sit at my desk and dream about you leaving your wife or somehow getting her out of the picture.

Not that I wanted...

No, of course not.

It's...

Nothing wrong with dreaming.

Oh, I agree, Cinderella.

Yeah?

You know, I remember when I was three... and I told you how we came over to America, settled in Minnesota, and my folks bought the motel?

Oh, yeah?

Well, they put me right to work.

Just laundry at first.

Then making the beds and cleaning the rooms.

You don't even wanna know the disarray people leave behind.

I bet.

One time...

I'll never forget this...

I was changing the sheets on a king size, and I'm... suddenly I'm like, "What's that smell?"

Well, the guest had...

He made a BM between the mattress and the box spring.

What?

I guess he took the mattress off and did it and then made the bed back up, which, it's a lot simpler just to go to the toilet.

My point being that while I was cleaning up, I had this dream that someone, a man, would come along and take me away from all this.

And then I met you.

And here we are.

And we're going to Acapulco.

I thought we were going to the shop.

We are.

[Clears throat]

I just... You know how icy it gets right out front.

Hmm.

[Train chugging]

[Train horn blows]

[Train bell dinging]

Lester?

You know, I hate to do this, but I kind of tweaked my back before, getting the luggage out of the car.

Oh, you poor baby.

So do you think you could run in?

The passports are in the safe.

There's some cash in there too.

Can you...

Will you do that for me?

Of course, hon.

Thanks.

Linda.

Hmm?

It's cold out there.

You're sweet.

Oh, oh, uh...

Put your hood up, huh?

I'd hate for your pretty face to freeze.

[Train bell dinging]

[Gasps]

Oh, my...

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[Breathing heavily]