02x06 - Rhinoceros

[bunniefuu]

[ Police radio chatter ]

♪

Ed, no.

Hank: Peggy, come here.

This is-- You're so out of line, Sheriff!

Peggy. Peggy.

You can't just ruin people's lives!

Peggy, Peggy, can you come back inside?

Huh? Come on. Come on. Parade them around main street for something they didn't do, falsely accused.

No. Mnh-mnh.

Peggy.

No. You're not gonna prove my Ed did anything wrong!

It's unprovable!

[ Police radio chatter ]

[ Brakes squeal ]

[ Door opens ]

Heard about the fire. You okay?

You didn't have to come down.

Mrs. Solverson.

Ed.

Worried about ya.

[ Sighs ]

Feels like the top might just spin right off the globe these days and take you along with it.

[ Chuckles ]

What's that for?

I'm just imagining you parachutin' into the Mekong Delta, telling the Black Pajamas to leave your husband alone.

Shoulda. Could've saved a lot of lives if wives and mothers from both sides came and dragged their fool men home by the ear.

Anything I can do to help this mess?

Uh, yeah. You can, uh, take Noreen home with ya.

Her place b*rned down with the shop, and we both know she's just a kid, emancipated or not.

Noreen.

Hey, Ed. I told 'em what you said.

Quiet now, both of ya.

Come home soon.

We both know that's not likely.

Come on, dear. Let's get you home and in a bath.

Betsy: I'll make us some cocoa, all right?

She's a nice lady.

Shut up.

Time for your phone call.

[ Keys jangling ]

[ Door creaks ]

[ Typewriter keys clacking ]

♪

[ Thud, bell dings ]

Five minutes.

I was thinking about Elron the other day.

Before.

His face, you know?

Trying to remember.

I was 10 when they came.

Soldiers in uniform with that... folded up flag.

You were in Chicago, I think.

Mom says.

There's that picture in the hall of you and all the kids.

That winter in Bear Lake.

Everyone else in coats, but Elron's in a t-shirt, makin' muscles.

[ Vehicle approaches ]

What would he do now?

You know?

Now with this.

He was the oldest, right?

[ Engine turns off, door opens ]

[ Telephone ringing in distance ]

Not Dodd.

[ Ringing continues ]

[ Door opens ]

What?

Unka? Charlie's on the phone.

[ Door creaks ]

[ Kisses ]

What?

[ Chuckling ]

Hey.

I get it.

You don't have respect for anything.

But... do you know what a whore's life is?

Come on, now.

I'm serious. This is me looking out for you.

Some career advice.

A whore's life is five good years, five bad years, and then some half-d*ck sweat stain grinds you out like a cigarette.

Like a g*dd*mn spent cigarette.

[ Door creaks ]

My son?

You sent my g*dd*mn son!

Uhh!

You sent my...

[ Grunting ]

Oh, Jesus! Oh, cut it out!

Uhh!

Come on, Bear.

[ Grunts ]

Would somebody get him off me?

[ g*n cocks ]

You better stop, huh?

Okay. You've been asking for it for days.

Tell your man walk away, and we'll see.

And now it's time you're--

You're getting the belt, kid.

Strap or buckle?

[ Scoffs ] You think you're--

Belt was dad's thing.

The kid said he was ready.

Said it should be family that pulls the trigger, which is true.

[ Breathing heavily ] He's 17.

He's got a crippled arm.

[ Belt snaps ]

Now, see, I don't see that.

I see heart and will. I see spirit.

I see grandpa after the w*r. Right, Pop?

Grandpa, who stows away on a boat, comes to America, and builds an empire.

Compared to that, what have you ever done?

Or me? Arm or no arm?

Now, you can have the strap or the buckle, 'cause I can't have you knocking me around, not in front of the men.

Give me that buckle, you piece of sh*t.

That's my boy.

Floyd: No!

No!

None of your bullshit!

Not today.

You'll k*ll us all. You'll split this family apart!

Now tell me what happened.

[ Engines starting ]

Bring back my grandson.

No excuses.

I'll call up to Winnipeg, tell 'em he's coming.

He can stay there till things cool down.

And you... while he's seeing to the boy, you take care of this butcher.

He doesn't live through the night.

Already dead, believe me. He just doesn't know it.

[ Engines start ]

[ Rotary dial whirring ]

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Ring ]

[ g*n clicking ]

[ Clears throat ]

This better be state secret-level information.

They all left.

Who all?

Dodd and Bear and maybe half a dozen--

Going?

He called me a whore.

Well, darling... technically--

It's my body. I got every right.

Of course you do.

We're in full agreement, you and me.

[ Sighs ]

A beautiful body, and you can do what you want with it.

But right now I need you to tell me.

Your dad and the others, where are they headed?

They're going to that town in Minnesota where the judge--

Luverne.

Yeah.

Luverne.

And I want...

You're gonna...

Get the hell outta here.

[ Dog barking in distance ]

Did I lose you there, sweetheart?

You're gonna k*ll him for me.

Your dad?

He's not...

Ozzie was a dad, on the TV.

sh*t, Mr. French is more of a--

How long ago did they leave?

Just... [Sighs]

Uh, maybe half an hour ago?

Took a whole army almost.

Okay, baby.

Any last message for your dad when I see him?

Yeah.

Tell him... kiss my grits.

[ Hangs up receiver ]

"'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe, all mimsy were the borogroves..."

[ g*n cocks ]

"And the mome raths outgrabe."

[ g*n cocks ]

Mike: "Beware the jabberwock, my son. The jaws that bite..."

[ g*n cocks ]

"The claws that catch.

Beware the jubjub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch.

And, as if in uffish thought he stood, the jabberwock, with eyes of flame, came whiffling through the tulgey wood, and burbled as it came.

One, two. One, two. And through and through.

The vorpal blade did snicker-snack.

He left it dead, and with its head he went galumphing back."

I got coffee from this morning. I can heat it up.

Please.

Uh...

I'm gonna move these, okay?

No. Actually, no. Those are my-- No!

No, put them down.

Oh. No problem.

I just got that organized.

So, you-- you collect these, then?

The beauty and travel mags.

No, not collect. I... [Sighs]

I gotta stay up with the latest trends, you know, in my line of work.

[ Cabinet closes ]

Well, that explains the-- the beauty mags.

Well, there's more to life than Minnesota, you know.

Do you think, uh--

I-I know there's a lot of questions, but I just--

I got a, um, I got this seminar tomorrow, Lifespring, and, uh, I gotta drive up to Sioux Falls first thing, so...

Um...

[ Sighs ] Well, now, I-I got five dead since Saturday, including the one tonight in the b*rned down butcher shop, and your husband is currently in jail, so I wouldn't count on getting there early.

No, I mean, that's terrible.

But what can Ed-- I mean...

Attempted robbery and those two men--

No, no, no, it wasn't a robbery, Peggy.

Those men came for your husband. They came to k*ll him.

[ Scoffs ] You don't know that for sure, Sheriff.

You're just trying to be dramatic, trying to scare me.

I assure you, I am not. And when I say five dead, I'm only talking about inside the city limits.

Reports are 15 more bodies-- 15 more bodies up in Fargo.

This is a turf w*r between the Kansas City mob and this Gerhardt family you've gotten yourself mixed up with.

Stop saying that.

Me and Ed-- we're just bystanders.

Not even. Uh, disconnected-- him with the shop, and-- and me just trying to actualize fully, ya know?

Be the best me I can be because these are modern times, you know, and a woman-- well, she just doesn't have to be a wife and a mother no more.

She can be... There's nothing she can't be.

[ Sips ]

You're a little touched, aren't ya?

[ Gulps ]

What?

It's not that there's anything wrong with that.

Don't get me wrong.

It's just, uh, the time and place in which you're--

Well, you know, if you mean I got dreams, then yeah.

And... maybe I don't see it all like everybody else, but I got plans.

We-- we got plans, and you can't just come in here...

Yeah, Peggy?

...and derail--

They tried to k*ll your husband.

I mean, they b*rned down his shop.

You think that's the end of it?

Well, I mean... Look, right?

Ed-- he really... he loved that place.

[ Clicks tongue ] But life's a journey, ya know?

That's what John Hanley Sr. says.

He's the founder of Lifespring.

Life's a journey, and the one thing you don't do on a journey is stay in one place, right?

So maybe we'll...

I don't know, go to California or...

California?

...someplace, now that the shop's gone.

Peggy... before you, uh...

[ Mug clatters ]

Before you start making plans, you should know I got a forensic team coming down from the Twin Cities in the morning.

And I know it's been repaired, but we're gonna check your car for blood.

Microscopically, I mean, which... you'd be amazed at what we can find on the atomic level these days.

No. I mean...

[ Sets down mug ]

Y-you can't do that, of course, without permission from the owner, you know, so--

Oh, we got permission, about an hour ago.

You sold the car to Sonny Greer, didn't ya?

Earlier at the body shop.

And Sonny now is the owner of record, and he was more than happy to--

No. No, you can't.

That's... Hold-- hold on.

Peggy. Peggy. I'm serious now.

Better you tell me before I get a fistful of evidence.

What happened that night when you hit Rye Gerhardt with your car?

I-I'm the victim here, Lou.

Ed.

[ Sighs ]

I mean, 'cause...

I sat in your living room last night and gave you the chance.

You and Peggy both, I gave ya the chance to c--

I know, but you gotta understand, w-we're just trying to-- you know, me, I'm just trying to protect my family.

There was a cleaver in the man's head, son, which Noreen said was you.

Not to mention there's a w*r going on up in Fargo that you may have started when you ran over that Gerhardt boy in Peggy's car.

You or-- or-- or-- or Peggy or both.

This is all just so crazy.

And I can't stop thinking about that book.

Noreen's book. It's, like, stuck in my head.

What? What book?

It's about this guy who, every day, he-- he pushes this rock up this hill.

Like a boulder.

And then every night, it just rolls back down.

But he doesn't stop.

You know, he just-- he keeps goin'.

And-- and he wakes up every day and starts pushin'.

By which I-I-I guess I'm-- I'm sayin' it doesn't matter what they throw at me.

I'm gonna take care of what's mine.

And...

These boys aren't gonna rest until you're dead, son.

Possibly Peggy, too.

I want a lawyer.

[ Sighs ]

Lou, I-I...

I need one. I'm-- I'm askin' ya for one.

Ed, that's not--

No, I-I seen the shows...

You don't...

...on TV.

You don't...

I seen the shows on TV.

"Ironside" and...

[ Sighs, stammers ]

This is all too important to make mistakes here.

So get me a lawyer, a good one.

And if he says... then I'll-- I'll talk.

No, Sonny, they just called themselves plumbers, but what it was, was a special investigative unit inside the White House.

Bluth: Hey, Karl.

Percy.

Got a customer for you.

A client, I guess you'd...

Over at the station.

Ed Blumquist? Butcher's assistant?

I guess he's mixed up in all the craziness.

You hear that, Sonny?

There's a crisis at the highest level, so who do they call?

[ Glass thuds ]

The best lawyer in town.

Aren't ya the only lawyer in town, Karl?

Yes, but that's because I scared away all my--

[ Bottles clink ]

Oh. Great Caesar's ghost.

Would appear I'm a little unstable. Um...

Okay there, Karl?

Want me to tell Lou you need a few hours?

Fair-may ton bush, son.

I am sound in mind and body and ready to run circles around the inferior minds of the Rock County Sheriff's Department.

Lou is a State Cop, Karl.

Shut up, Sonny.

Will need you to drive, however.

My question for you is, how come after you hit that fella, you didn't just drive to the hospital or waved down a passin' motorist and ask 'em to call the cops?

You say it like these things happen in a vacuum.

Like it's a test.

Check "A" or "B."

But it's like... decisions you make in a dream, ya know?

I'll tell you what, if it was me, and we had to run...

I wouldn't look back.

For what? The dazzle?

This house?

This is Ed's house. He grew up here.

His mom washing his undies, his father taking his paper to the commode.

[ Sighs ]

You ask me how come I buy all these magazines?

I'm livin' in a museum of the past.

[ Vehicles approaching ]

Okay.

You stay here.

[ Engines idling ]

[ Door creaks ]

Sheriff?

Go inside now, Peggy.

You got a hiding place in the basement or the attic, go to that.

What about you?

Go now.

[ Car door closes ]

And don't come out, no matter what ya hear.

[ Door creaks closed ]

Hey.

Hello.

Help you fellas with somethin'?

Hope so.

Ed home?

Ed who?

[ Electricity crackles ]

Oh. Ed.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

Yeah. Yeah, ya just missed him.

Whole squad took him to the station about an hour ago.

And that's the, uh, the well-guarded and impenetrable police station on Hazel Lane.

Which-- don't let the name fool ya-- is a fortress.

Or maybe he's inside and you think I'm stupid.

Son...

I could fill out a steamer trunk with the amount of stupid I think you are.

But no, that's-- that's where he went.

[ Whistles ]

[ Car door closes ]

[ Lowered voice ] Yeah, that's what I thought.

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Unsnaps holster ]

Here we go.

[ Door creaks ]

No, Peggy, hey, hey.

Uhh!

Said the butcher's down at the precinct.

Could be bullshit. Take Polk and Carter.

I'll clean up here.

[ Pipes clanging ]

Man: All clear upstairs.

[ Door creaks ]

[ Sighs ]

Man: Here, kitty, kitty.

Come, kitty.

[ Singsongy ] Kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty.

[ Loud thud, glass shatters ]

Uhh! [ Groans ]

[ Groaning ]

Shut up.

Shut up, you fool.

[ Metal clatters ]

Uhh!

[ Objects clattering ]

sh*t.

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

When I find ya, darlin', I'm gonna make you bleed.

Uhh!

[ Electricity crackling ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Panting ]

Bitch.

[ Huffs ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

Hon.

Yeah?

Don't leave.

[ Water running ]

Wanna talk to you about somethin'.

[ Slurps ]

Are you with us?

When you say "Us"--

I mean the family. All of it.

You don't get to pick and choose.

[ Spoon clinks ]

Sure, grandma.

[ Slurps ]

[ Bowl clatters ]

[ Chair creaks ]

[ Footsteps approach ]

[ Sets down mug ]

We all got a role to play.

You need to take my example.

Be a leader.

This is our time.

No such thing as men's work, women's work anymore.

We get just as much right to...

[ Dog barking in distance ]

[ Vehicle approaches ]

[ Shouts indistinctly ]

[ Rapid g*nf*re ]

Keep it running, Sonny.

I'll be back before the beer goes warm.

♪

[ Engine idling ]

Greetings and salutations.

I have made the pilgrimage from the Hall of Veterans as George Washington once forded the Delaware.

Steely in my resolve, prepared to battle unto my dying breath for the rights--

Lawyer's here.

Hey, Denise. For the rights of free men!

Hey, Karl, Ed's in back.

Rights that were squeezed from British oppression like water from a stone!

That all men are created equal, free from the jackboot tyranny and gulag magic tricks of nameless, faceless committees.

Hey. Hope they didn't wake ya.

Outta my way, tool of the state, for I am come to comfort and counsel my client, even as you seek to prison him--

Yeah, whatever you're gonna do, you got 30 minutes.

Don't dictate terms to me, you rogue, for the law is a light on a hill, calling to its breast all those in search of justice.

To whit, this poor, mottled wretch in front of me.

Hey, Karl.

Edward.

What a sad and fortuitous day-- you chained to that table, and me--

No, I'm-- I'm not in cuffs.

Chained in thought, if not action.

At the mercy of a cold and venal--

I-I-I didn't do this thing that they're--

No, no.

Don't tell me.

The establishment has ears everywhere, even here.

Ears?

Instead, I shall simply ask "G" or "NG" and you, my client, will shake your head in the affirmative for the letter or letters that best describes your status.

So I-I-I shake my head "Yes."

Let's say for the purposes of the cameras that are no doubt watching... that a negative shake side to side shall in this case be a positive affirmation.

Remember, only shake once.

"G"... or...

"NG".

Well, son, rest assured... whatever your status, I shall defend you till your last breath.

I mean my last breath.

Excuse the obvious death penalty snafu.

I'm slightly inebriated.

Still got 26 minutes.

And that, by no strange coincidence, is the amount of time it'll take me to rouse Judge Peabody from his bed and have him dismiss these unfounded charges.

No charges as of yet.

Held without charges. Even better.

Then I shall have to tell His Honor to boost my client from these baseless...

Whoa.

...baseless restraints you've shackled him under.

Hey, you're not drivin', are ya?

My choices outside this building are none of your...

But no.

Sonny valeted me here tonight.

But now... Now I must bid you all adieu and admonish you to watch your proverbial butts, for I shall be back with a sledgehammer of justice prepared to lay Joseph waste to these four walls if you so much as touch a hair on my client's--

[ g*ns cocking ]

[ Panting ]

[ Continues panting ]

Karl?

The jackboots are upon us.

Deputy Bluth, I need you to lock the back door.

Do it now.

Garfield, k*ll the lights in back.

Denise, get on the horn to HQ.

Tell 'em we need every man available yesterday.

There's a lynchin' party outside.

Denise: Shouldn't call the Sheriff first?

Oh, you can try, but somehow, I don't think he'll answer.

If he does, tell him not to do anything heroic until reinforcements arrive.

You okay there, Counselor?

[ Turns on radio ]

It's possible I soiled myself.

Bear: Here for my boy.

Doesn't have to get any more complicated than that.

Met you before, at the compound.

So you know.

Already called for backup on the radio.

Nobody's comin'.

Oh, they'll come.

State Police up in Marshall or Sheriff out of Nobles.

30, 40 minutes.

Maybe we got a trap set.

It's possible.

Just gonna keep comin', though.

After wounded knee.

Hell, the Governor may send in the National Guard.

We got your son on attempted m*rder.

Took a sh*t at the local butcher.

The place b*rned down.

Where's that butcher now?

No.

I know you got designs on him.

He inside?

He's safe, guarded by armed men.

No.

No, he's not.

This kind of thing didn't work in Westerns and it's not gonna work tonight.

We got enough men and g*ns to hold you off till mornin'.

Maybe I got a trunk full of dynamite.

Blow my way in.

Either way, you got until the count of 50 to send my Charlie out.

Who's this Charlie now?

Karl, I'm serious.

I need you to sit over there and stay out of the way.

Deputy, how we doin' securing the back of the buildin'?

Uh, well, I mean, I locked the door.

Well, let's barricade that, yeah?

Shades down on all the windows.

We got any lightbulbs?

Lightbulbs?

I want you to take all the lightbulbs we got, smash 'em up by the back doors and windows.

That way we can hear 'em if they try to sneak in.

Oh. That's good thinkin'.

[ Clattering in distance ]

Need your help here.

Thought you had backup coming.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Closest men are outside Nobles, an hour away.

Plus, you're talking about farm boys who've never been face-to-face with a serious man before.

Whereas I stared down Chiang Kai-Shek.

That.

And I need someone who can talk some sense into the father.

Who better than the son's lawyer?

Don't represent the son, though.

You do now, Karl.

Lou?

[ Switch clicks ]

I'm walking you outta here.

Am I released then?

Well, let's call it that for simplicity.

Truth is, there's a lynch mob outside wantin' to string you up.

What do you--?

Come on.

Stay close and be ready to run.

♪

Sheriff, come in.

Sheriff?

Come in, Sheriff?

Sheriff?

[ Static crackles ]

Hello, Sheriff.

There's a calamity up here. If you're there, pick up.

[ Groans ]

Yeah, Denise, I'm here.

Oh, Sheriff, thank God.

There's an army of men outside.

They want Ed Blumquist and that kid from that fire.

Lou's got this plan to... [ Sighs ]

He told me to tell you not to come till reinforcements arrive, which... Sheriff's deputies are on their way from Nobles, maybe 45 minutes, sir.

Yeah, okay. Uh...

Tell Lou to sit tight.

Can't have him gettin' k*lled without me.

Never hear the end of it at dinner.

[ Train whistle blowing in distance ]

[ Slurps ]

Man: Maybe they forgot we're here.

Bear: Yeah.

[ Sniffs ]

Gear up. We're goin' in.

[ g*n cocks ]

Hold on now.

We're allies, like Hô Chí Minh and the Red Chinese.

Arms in the air.

[ Slides latch ]

[ Screen creaks and clicks ]

Karl Weathers.

It's my name.

I'm your son's attorney.

Don't need a lawyer.

He's goin' home tonight.

Send him out. I'm done playin'.

Yes, sir.

That's in the works as we...

You mind if I...

[ g*ns cock ]

As your son's man...

I spoke with a constabulary at the highest level...

[ Lights cigarette ]

[ Karl inhales and exhales ]

...and they're prepared to meet your demands.

Send the boy out.

Processing him now.

But as his lawyer--

Don't need no lawyer.

I told you.

As his lawyer, I gotta advise you of somethin', which is this--

You're makin' it worse.

He's a minor, see? Only 17.

So, reduced sentencin' applies.

[ Leaves rustle ]

Shh.

Karl: And yes, witness puts a g*n in his hand with a sh*t fired, but it's a miss.

You understand?

A miss, so even if they convict him, it's attempted at best.

The maximum is 10 years. He's out in 5 for good behavior.

Done.

But this?

You take him outta here now, and he's runnin' the rest of his life.

A wanted fugitive, sh**t on sight.

But there's a way out.

Leave now, take your men, and none of this falls on the kid.

This is the deal I made.

He stays clean, but you gotta go... now.

Maybe we leave Charlie, just take the butcher, huh?

Well, now, that's a problem.

See, any movement there, and they loop the kid in, make him an accomplice.

Kidnappin', conspiracy to commit m*rder, assaultin' a police officer or worse.

So, we're back to the best thing for the kid being a fast retreat on your part.

That's the clearest path to victory for you.

Think about it.

He's only 17.

[ Cocks r*fle ]

Let's go.

♪

[ Starts engine ]

♪

I need to find Peggy.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Can't do that, Ed, not right now.

You're still in my custody.

Yeah, but what if they came to the house?

I-I mean, they went to the station.

What if they came to the hou--

Shh.

[ Vehicles approaching ]

[ Whispers ] Come on.

[ Engine turns off ]

[ Exhales ]

Oh, Christ, man. You look worse than me.

Smell better, maybe.

No, don't-- don't tire yourself.

We know where he's headed.

Maybe you drive. I'm... [ Grunts ]

I'm seeing double.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Door squeaks ]

[ Starts engine ]

[ Siren wailing in distance ]

[ Siren continues wailing in distance ]

[ "Man Of Constant Sorrow" playing ]

♪ I am a man of constant sorrow ♪
♪ I've seen trouble all my days ♪

I'm talking about the camaraderie of men, kid-- that hard to define male bond born in the age of the Neanderthal when men still hunted mastodon with flint and spears.

♪ and raised ♪
♪ place where he was born and raised ♪
♪ for six long years ♪
♪ oh, I've been in trouble ♪
♪ no pleasures here ♪

I'm saying you find that in wartime.

That foxhole brotherhood.

Then when you come back...

Well, there's no civilian equivalent, not in peacetime.

♪ to help me now ♪
♪ have no friends ♪
♪ to help you now ♪
♪ so fare thee well to you, my old true lover ♪
♪ I never expect ♪

Sure know a lot of words, Karl.

[ Can clatters ]

I'm an esquire, kid.

A barrister.

[ Can fizzes ]

Defender of the common man, the mis-accused.

[ Chuckles ]

♪ perhaps he'll die upon this train ♪