01x13 - Vancouver

No, I'm talking about the Faces, not the Small Faces.

They're two completely different bands.

But the Small Faces are smaller, right?

Yeah, some of the guys were. I feel like we're doing some lame version of Who's on First?

What's Who's On First?

Seriously?

I'm kidding! Wow!

Ian, what are we?

What do you mean?

Well, are we boyfriend and girlfriend?

Oh! Yeah. I guess.

You guess?

OK, well, my parents are going out of town tomorrow, I want you to come over.

Sure! It will be great to watch Life of Brian without your dad hogging the Jiffy Pop.

I'm talking about a sleepover.

OK.

"OK," that's what you have to say?

Oh, thanks?

Say you'll see me tomorrow night.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

♪ Made no sense to her ♪
♪ Why stay inside when so much called her ♪

Hmm!

Where did you come from?

(Store bell ringing)

Just crouching and looking at records and listening.

How much did you hear?

Everything up until you said,

"What did you hear?"

Shink, I think I'm having a sleepover with Diane.

OK. Uh, first of all, don't say "sleepover" because that implies Barbies.

So don't say that. Second...

Yeah!

Yes! Yes! You're sleeping with Diane, man! I had my doubts but it's happening! You dog!

Shh, shh, shh!

What are you doing?

I just think "Sleeping With Diane" is a great name for a song.

(Theme music)

"Lover's Leap" is a little risqué for me, but what the heck!

Well, our kids are an item now, Lloyd. What better way to celebrate than to get the gals to bury the hatchet?

(Graying man laughing)

Lloyd: Whose turn is it?

It's yours, dear. You draw a card.

Okie-dokie.

"What area of your body would you want your lover... to tickle with a feather?"

(All laughing except Lloyd)

Well, I might need another glass of wine for this game.

(Laughter)

I don't know.

Am I only allowed to pick one spot?

(Laughing)

You realize that feathers are literally crawling with bacteria, don't you?

Hmm.

Ha!

Hahahaha!

Fine! The back of my hand.

Well, the back of a human hand is very dirty.

It would be cleaner to have s*x with a payphone.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

OK...

"During a lovemaking session..."

(Laughing)

Blonde woman: Mm-hmm-hmm!

"...how would you surprise your lover?"

I don't know, by falling asleep while we're doing it?

Huh?

Well, just so you know, Lloyd, that would not even slow me down.

(Laughing)

OK.

"During lovemaking, what are your three favourite positions?"

Three? What are we? Gymnasts?

(Guest couple laughing)

What are you doing?

I'm practicing looks.

This one's called, "You're on thin ice, mister."

And then, there's the...

"Ah, caught you looking."

The other mirror is skinnier.

Look, I'm seeing Diane tomorrow night, and I was wondering if you could help me out.

You're sleeping with Diane? Aww!

OK, sort of, but...

I have this idea that I would show up with a corsage, and I'd be wearing a cheesy tux. It could be hilarious!

Trust me, there is no such thing as hilarious s*x, Ian.

It's getting really serious...

No, that's good. Listen, when you kiss her, do you push your lips onto hers?

Yes! Gently, but with seriousness.

Wrong. You pull her with your lips, lure her with your lips.

So I pull my lips away from her lips.

Her lips will follow... Trust me.

Also, four ounces of gin is good.

Five is too many.

OK. Thanks. Those are really great ideas.

Falling asleep was the sexiest thing you could think of?

The card didn't say anything about sexy; it said about surprising your lover.

Well sexy was implied in the game, Lloyd.

OK, fine, how would my lover like to be surprised?

Well, I don't know.

Nothing fancy. Just... say it's willow season, and it's warm, but not too warm.

And a gentleman comes up riding a gold-coloured stallion.

And he's wearing a watch because there's nothing sexier than a man that's punctual.

And then he spends the day brushing my hair.

And then, he washes my back, washes the floor, chops some wood, cooks some dinner, and leaves without even saying a word.

So I don't have to talk?

Mm-mm.

I could do that.

Good night.

(Honking horn twice)

Are we back together, Gary?

Because nobody really ran that by me.

I've got something to show you.

I've already seen everything you have to show me.

That was our problem.

Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh...

The next time that you do that, it better be your least favourite finger, because you're going to lose it.

Just come with me, OK? You won't regret it.

Too late! I already do!

Ian! Ian!

Hey, do you have a moment?

Yeah, a moment? Sure.

Good, because you're about to have a very interesting weekend.

Who told you?

I'm sorry, did you already hear about the paper?

It's in the paper?

Well, no. Not yet anyway. I mean, that's entirely up to you.

Wait, are you blackmailing me?

Blackmailing you?

Oh no, I didn't mean it like that.

Oh no, no, no! I sent a sample of your writing out to the Georgia Strait in Vancouver.

Yeah, they want to meet you. On Monday if that's possible.

The Georgia Strait wants to offer me a job?!

They want to talk to you about a job!

Shhh! Do you hear that?

It's destiny calling, and it's calling for me.

So then, I'll tell them that you're on your way?

Wait. This Monday?

Yeah, you have to be there tomorrow.

Is there gonna be a problem?

Ah yeah. Yep.

OK, Bels, get ready for your big surprise.

(Indistinct conversations)

Ta da!

What am I looking at?

This is our new place, if you say yes. Arlene, would there be room for a hot tub and a whirlpool Jacuzzi?

Sure! But I should point out that those are the same things.

Tell her how many sinks are in the can!

Two.

Two sinks, Bel. You could wash your left hand in one and your right hand in the other one, just like the millionaires do.

Is this your job to listen to stupid questions all day?

I can listen to a lot of stupid questions for $4000 commission.

$4000?!

And I am willing to put a down payment down right here right now.

Gary, I...

Shh, shh, shh, shh. Don't say yes or no just yet, OK?

Unless it's yes.

Argh! Argh!

I warned you!


♪ Don't know how it all began ♪
♪ But it made me a happy man ♪
♪ Sleeping, sleeping sleeping with Diane ♪

You actually wrote a song about me?

No, it's not... No way. It's a different guy. You don't know him.

♪ Ian slept with Diane Ian slept with wet Diane ♪

I know a lot of Ians who are sleeping with a lot of Dianes.

Irritated: Ah...

(Door opening and closing)

I'm in here.

Hmm-hmm.

I'm in here.

I know you are. (Lloyd urinating)

Are you kidding me? I'm in here!

(Toilet flushing)

(Woman screaming)

What on Earth are you doing?

Surprising my lover.

By flushing the toilet while I'm in the shower?!

A gentleman always pees first.

Out, you get.

(Lloyd grumbles.)

We're actually doing it, Shink: We're moving to Vancouver.

I can be packed in 6 minutes, I've been practicing.

Just gotta grab a hunk of clothes, throw 'em in a green garbage bag, steal a kettle so we can learn how to cook... We should live in a houseboat!

OK, but I gotta tell Diane before we go.

Yes, you should do that after we leave 'cause that's what postcards are for.

No, it's gotta be before.

If you're gonna do it before, there's not gonna be an after.

Shink, I can't have a relationship built on lies!

Of course not, that's not what I'm saying, but you can have a relationship built on omissions.

I have to say something!

Obviously, but keep it to things like... "Nice panties, Diane" or "How does that feel, Diane?" or "Sorry, Diane, that usually never happens."

Come on! You're such a pig!

Says the guy who's gonna dine and dash, you sick b*st*rd!

What? I just think that Diane...

Here's the thing: it's too much thinky for Ian.

You know what I mean? Every now and again, you just gotta look at your opportunity and you gotta pounce!

Who's pouncing? Are you guys talking about ways to surprise your lover? If you are, deal me in.

No, we weren't.

No, we are actually. Sort of.

Well, I've learned, if you want to surprise your lover, you don't poke him with a death feather.

Also, if they're in the shower, you gotta pee somewhere else.

Please stop referring to Mom as your lover.

You've been drinking, Mr. McKay?

Since I was 9, Shinky. I'm a man adrift.

When a man's adrift, liquor is the wind beneath his wings, the tiger in his tank.

The cuckoo in his clock.

You know, we're all men here; you know what a man's greatest burden is?

That we have to perform at work and in the sack.

Yes, son, I said "sack."

You know, none of this is helping me.

Also, you gotta go see Diane, so we should mosey.

I thought you were sleeping at Shink's tonight.

I, um...

I knew something was up when you asked to borrow my Swiss army knife!

Oh no, that's for Vancouver.

That's for... if we end up in rough Vancouver, so...

You're going to Vancouver?

You haven't told anybody anything, huh?

OK, that's great. See you tomorrow.

Good luck.

Tell me everything, son, or just the parts you don't want your mother to know.

And remember, only men will keep your secrets.

Spill beans.

(Breathing in hand and sniffing)

Hello, Ian. We've been expecting you.

Huh?

Clearly, our change of plans has disrupted some plans of your own.

We're not stupid, you know?

No, I was just coming over to watch Monty Python...It's just that Ian, stop.

Your daughter is very beautiful and, trust me, I would never do anything that wasn't her idea.

I-It's just that...

(Diane gasps.)

Well, no, I mean, she approached me about it, but I thought it was a good idea as well. It was not.

Ian, stop. Jim, I think you should handle this.

Oh, I'm anxious to.

You are about to embark on an amazing journey.

You have our blessing.

No!

I've written you a poem.

It's really good.

(Jim clears his throat.)

"You shall pass through the sacred portal."

That's what it's called.

Thanks...

Treasure this moment.

We'll be downstairs watching Saturday Night Live.

Joe Piscopo.

What is happening?

Something magical.

(Ian gulps.)

Start slowly.

(Nervous laughter)

Oof.

Uh...

Cool bag.

♪ I'm drinking ♪

Oh!

♪ And I'm drinking ♪

I'm gonna strip for you to my favourite song.

♪ And I'm drinking ♪

Have a blast.

♪ And I'm drinking every night and day ♪
♪ I'm drinking ♪

You see how much I love you, baby?

I built this hot tub for you.

Thanks!

I figured we'd throw this one in the backyard, and then maybe later on, we could swing by that new Swedish furniture store everybody's talking about.

You know, I bet if this was just a little bit bigger, I could fit one of these floaty chairs in with the built-in beer holders.

You want bigger? You got it. You want one of these in every room? I'll build you four!

You know what I really want?

What?

I wanna go talk to that real estate lady.

I have a few more questions for her.

Whoohoo!

Well, that was weird. Should I just sneak out the window now or...?

Oh no, Ian, we're doing this.

But your parents are right downstairs.

I'm not gonna let them ruin it.

Now, do you want me to start taking my clothes off or do you want to take them off for me?

Well, we could read the poem first.

What are you doing with your lips?

Luring you.

(Knocking on door)

There's someone at the door.

He says he needs to talk to Ian.

Sorry. I'll be right back.

(Crickets chirping)

Hey, why are you here?

Hey, here's my answer, man.

What are you doing here?

Just came to see how your big night was going.

So you came and interrupted my big night to see how my big night was going?

Yes. But it doesn't look like I was interrupting much of anything, was I?

Why do you say that?

Well, Diane's mom answered the door.

It's complicated. Why are you here?

Something else I've got to run by you. Um... might not 100% be moving to Vancouver after all.

What?!

Martyrs of the Barbecue is opening for Nott the Hoople!

I think you mean Mott the Hoople, with an "M".

Nah, it's a tribute band.

So you're not coming with me tomorrow?

No, I am coming. It's just I gotta be back by Monday.

We get in, like, Sunday night!

Wincing: It's gonna be tight.

Wha...? And you had to tell me this tonight?!

Didn't want to taint your big night.

No, you know what? That's fine. It-It's a weight off my shoulders.

Honestly, it really is. It's...

How's the pouncing going?

♪ Be like the other kids ♪

Sorry. Shinky really wanted to talk about his band.

He really had to get it off his chest.

Oh! Well, uh, speaking of chests...

(Both laughing)

That was ridiculous.

Oh, God!

(Both laughing)

So, is it time for your dad's poem or...?

No.

♪ And you'll feel the pressure of running ♪
♪ Running all the time ♪

This is it.

♪ She didn't like ♪
♪ The boredom of the classroom ♪

Wait.

I might be moving to Vancouver for this writing job.

♪ Made no sense to her ♪

Wow. When?

Tomorrow or later today.

♪ Made her dream of being far away ♪

Well then, I guess we better get started.

♪ See, the girl always laughing ♪
♪ When she's alone, she cries ♪

Aw, she's still my little baby.

If babies smoked. Come on.

Daddy, I fell asleep.

Sorry to wake you up.

It's OK.

And what's this?

Oh, Gary and I went to see a realtor, and I think I'm gonna be making a big move.

W-what do you mean?

I'm late!

(Thump!)

(Thump! Thump!)

(Lloyd panting)

(Creaking)

(The door slams hard)

(Lloyd panting)

Spud, I think I may have a maniac in the house.

How fast can you be here?

Hour, hour and a half.

Over.

You're useless.

(Screaming)

Oh!

Did I surprise you?

Yes! Just wait till my heart starts again.

Aww, I felt bad about you having to do all the surprise work.

You know, there's a big difference between surprising someone and scaring the snot out of them.

I'm sorry. But I did wear one of your favourite wigs... the groovy go-go girl.

I can't do anything. Oh, you know what?

Adrenaline's working in my favour. Yep, I'm good to go.

Good, because who knows when we'll have the house to ourselves again.

Ah...

What?

I think Ian's moving to Vancouver.

When?!

Tomorrow.

Some newspaper's paying him to complain.

Oh. So it will be the three of us.

Well, Belinda's talking about moving in with Gary.

She just told me.

I guess this is what an empty nest will feel like.

Yeah. So this certainly isn't happening.

No. We need this.

Oooh!

Oooh!

(Both laughing)

Mmmm!

(Ding-dong!)

You like that?

Jim: Haha!

Jim's wife: Morning.

Well, look who I found.

Well, well, well, it's a little early for board games, but what the heck!

We're here because of Ian's wonderful news.

Oh, you heard about Vancouver?

Huh?

No. No, we're talking about him and Diane. They spent the night together last night.

What?!

They did what?!

Ian's moving to Vancouver? When?

Tonight!

What?!

Well, I guess that's one way to surprise your lover.

Good morning, you.

Morning, you.

My parents left a note.

Ah, they said that there's pancakes in the oven and a pitcher of mimosa's in the fridge, and...

What?

They went over to your house.

They felt guilty about being the only parents in the know.

Oh.

That little son of a bitch!

That's our little son of a bitch you're talking about.

I have some fantastic news!

As you know, I've been trying to figure out my next big thing...

Alright! I'm all packed up and ready to go! None of you are Ian. Where's Ian?

I'm in the middle of announcing...

Hey! Haha! Speech!

Now, let me get this straight.

Your big plan was to bang my daughter and then get on a bus to Vancouver?! A bus!

You were getting on a bus?!

This guy really hates buses.

No, no, no. I'm not going.

What?!

I'm not going!

OK, he's not going! I have actual news!

We have big news, sweetheart.

Belinda: Shut up, Gary!

What about the interview?

You really think I'm gonna leave after last night?

You knew he was going on a bus to Vancouver?!

It's just a bus, Gabaldi!

Of course I did.

And he is going.

Never mind all that. Everyone, listen to me!

We're moving back in together!

What?! No! I'm gonna be a real estate agent!

What?!

Yay!

(Parents exclaiming)

Not moving back in with me?

No! Gary, where did you get that idea? If we lived together again, one of us would end up dead. And it would be you.

I guess you're right.

Wanna go back to my place?

Sure.

Hmm! I'll see you, folks.

Isn't that great?!

Yeah, I'm going.

I can't believe we're losing you to Vancouver, the armpit of the Pacific.

This is for your great adventure.

I thought this was for rent, for living here.

It was always for this or something like this.

Aww, my baby.

In that case, I guess we've just become rich men.

Shinky! Not yours!

Go! Leave!

Come back tonight, I'll take you to the bus station.

Thank you.

(Lloyd grumbles.)

Well, I'm gonna carry your suitcase to the bus.

No, I can get it, Dad.

No, I think I can carry my son's suitcase to the bus.

I got it.

I think I can do it. OK?

Sir.

Well, you know I'm not one for long, sloppy goodbyes, so... here you go. Go out there and be nice but not too nice 'cause then you'll have to be nice all the time. It will be a jail of your own creation and...

Yeah. never trust a beautiful stranger and don't trust anybody just because they're old or because they're young.

In fact, don't really trust people.

If you forget someone's name, it's not your fault, it's theirs for not being more memorable.

That's all I got.

Well, you're my dad.

Well, thanks for that.

Lloyd. Lloyd, my boy.

(Shinky laughing)

I'm wearing him down.

Bye, Diane!

I'll see you soon.

I know.

(Romantic music)

Come on!

Ah, she's a cutie.

You just made a big mistake.

Big mistake. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

I'm only gonna say this one more time, you Neanderthals!

Give me my tooth back!

(Bearded man jeering)

Wait! Wait! Just...

Bus driver: All aboard!

Let me talk to my friend.

You're really fighting out there, pal.

You fight like a man!

Yeah, I feel like I got a little extra tiger in my tank.

I love it! Also...

I really hate B.C.!

We haven't made it out of Alberta yet, man.

Huh?!

How dumb are you queer fairies?

Oh!

(Shink and bearded man laughing)

(Punk song playing)

In that case, I think a Looney Tunes is in order.

Couldn't agree more!

Wait! Wait, wait!

Wait for the bus to move.

Oh, yeah.

Have you ever seen the Bugs Bunny Show?

(Ian kissing noisily)

(Shinky laughing)

What's up, Doc?!

(Ian and Shinky laughing)

Get him!

Ian: Open up! Open the door!

Shinky: It feels good!

♪ It's my life ♪