01x04 - Success Perm

[bunniefuu]

Eddie: It had been a few months since we moved from D.C. to Orlando, and we were all looking forward to my mom's family coming to visit.

This is a nightmare.

Well, not all of us.

You know your brother-in-law's only coming to gloat about our restaurant not being successful.

Louis, they're family.

They're coming to gloat about all of our misfortunes... the restaurant, Eddie.

Getting away from Steve and his stupid store was supposed to be one of the perks of moving here.

Okay, we got the I-shaped sectional, the entertainment center, the deluxe love seat...

Is this man bothering you?

Say the word, and I'll call the police.

[Laughs]

[Chuckles] That's funny.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs., uh, Oberg, this is my boss-in-law, Steve.

[Chuckles] I was just about to finalize... getting us all some twizzlers.

There were no twizzlers.

We have twizzlers?!

What? No.

[Sighs] I thought there were twizzlers.

[Sighs]

At least with your whole family coming, Steve can't drive his stupid used Miata.

Steve says his miata is new.

It's not new! It's used!

I'm sorry. It's just... I...

No, it's okay. You're right.

My sister can't wait to see us struggling in this swampland.

How do you know?

She called me yesterday, and she told me.

I can't wait to see your new home.

It's a little cozy, but there's always room for my dear sister.

The whole family's so proud of you.

She's just bitter because I have always been mom's favorite.

That's why she's coming.

She wants mom to see us struggling.

But they will be in for a surprise when they see how well we are doing.

But we're not.

Yes, but they don't know that.

I've never loved you more.

Ew! Gross!

I think it's great that you guys still have passion in your marriage.

[Chuckles]

S01E04
Success Perm

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

My relatives were on their way, but the way my parents were acting, you would have thought Mariah Carey was coming to visit.

I mean, a hot, pre-Nick cannon, "in the Washington wizards dress" Mariah Carey.

They were putting up fake lemon trees all over the house, fancying up the bathroom... basically doing anything they could to look like ballers.

Kennedy-Powell: All right, the record should reflect now that the defendant is present with counsel.

You may be seated, if you wish.

Eddie: Even though my parents were tripping, I was psyched because my favorite cousin Justin was coming.

Justin was only six months older than me, but he was the one who changed my life forever.

Yo. Check this out.

Dr. Dre: You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge.

[N.W.A's "straight outta Compton" plays]

♪ Straight outta Compton, crazy mother... ♪

[Music stops]

Eddie: From that moment on, I was A.W.O...

Asian with obsession.

I couldn't wait to show Justin how deep my hip-hop knowledge had gotten.

Everything had to be perfect for when I busted out the new 2Pac.

What's a 2-pack?

It's not for you. Your baby ears aren't ready.

Remember the time a ladybug crawled in my ear?

Evan, Emery, grandma chu will be staying in your room.

Yay!

Grandma party!

You won't be sleeping there.

Aw. Aw.

I have made other arrangements.

Why can't we sleep on the couch?

Because then your aunt and Uncle will know we don't have enough bedrooms.

[Inhales deeply] And they must never know that.

Okay, I just talked to Mitch, and we have a great promotion set for Saturday.

All the boomin' onions you can eat for 99 cents.

Yes! Cattleman's will be packed when we take your family there.

Won't you lose money?

Well, sometimes you have to spend money you don't have to make it seem like you have money that you don't spend.

[Chuckles] Mm!

Okay, house is ready.

Now it's our turn. We need a new look.

We need a look that instantly says... "success."

Let me explain.

In addition to fake lemon trees, another thing Chinese people did to show prosperity was get a perm.

I don't know why, but to my people, curls were like dollar signs.

These success perms were a great idea. [Chuckles]

I feel like a curly-headed lion surveying my kingdom.

They're coming! They're coming!

We're ready.

[Chuckles]

Oh! [Both chuckle]

Connie!

Oh, your boobs are so big!

I know. They're new.

I had to give up jogging.

[Laughs] [Chuckling] Oh, I can tell.

Oh! They are big. [Chuckles]

Nirvana?

Justin, yo, why you dressed like that?

It's grunge.

It reflects what I feel on the inside.

Your shirt looks like a picnic blanket.

Thank you.

Where's Steve?

[Tires squeal]

[Motley Crue's "Kickstart my heart" playing] [Horn honking]

He drove separately.

[Squealing and honking]

He drove separately for 13 hours... Mm.

Just so he could bring that stupid car.

[Chuckles]

He got a success perm, too.

I see that. I can see that.

Did somebody order chinese?! [Chuckles]

Ooh! Fancy place.

Have I got the "Huang" house? [Laughs]

[Laughs]

That's a great joke, Steve.

Oh, hi!

Funny every time you tell it.

[Laughs]

[Car alarm chirps]

Sweet ride, Uncle Steve.

Hey, thanks, Emery.

If you work hard and you're smart like me, some day you can have a brand-new Miata.

Or used, because it's used.

[Both laugh]

Yo.

You want to help me with this?

I have my own baggage.

Emotional.

So, the furniture store is doing really well, and I thought, "why not?"

You only live once, right?

And now you are equipped with air bags.

[Both laugh]

So, how was the trip down?

I know mom can be so critical of your driving.

Oh, she was complaining the whole time...

Mm.

Oh! Ah-ma!

About you.

What?!

She's been feeling a little abandoned, you know?

Because you abandoned her.

Connie!

Looks like you're not her favorite anymore.

Guess who is.

Are you thinking? Are you thinking about who is?

Connie!

Coming, ah-ma.

And that's my lazy Susan, because, you know, sometimes we get lazy.

[Both laugh]

[Pager beeps] Oh, that's my, uh, pager. [Chuckles]

We're opening a second store. Business, right?

[Both chuckle] Tell me about it.

My restaurant is so successful, I had to put in a dedicated fax line.

[Both chuckle]

It seems kind of quiet now, Louis.

It's in recharge mode. Tired.

[Both laugh]

All right, dad, it's all set up.

I brought along my Internet computer.

I need to check on my store's webpage.

[Both chuckle]

[Modem dialing]

[Both laugh]

[Modem connecting]

[Sniffs]

[Sniffs]

Hmm.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, go, go. Go to the bathroom.

We got plenty of time.

Ito: All right, deputy jex, would you just take a step back, please?

This is people's 164-a? Is that the right-hand glove?

Darden: Seems to be having a problem putting the glove on his hand.

The real juice is loose.

Mom, would you like some tea? You must be so tired.

[Television volume increases]

I have green, oolong [Louder] chrysanthemum, sleepytime!

Eddie: Something was up with my cousin, but whatever it was, I knew what would snap him out of it.

I was thinking we should start with the old stuff and work forward.

Are you guys having a rap party?

I'm M.C. Hammer!

Get out!

Come on. Let's go.

[Door closes]

Sorry about that. Kids.

I'm thinking of moving to Seattle.

Or we could just start with this.

Oh, I-I'm not into 2Pac anymore. He's just a little immature.

You want to listen to some real grown-up music?

[Live's "Lightning crashes" plays]

♪ the angel opens her eyes ♪
♪ Pale-blue-colored iris ♪
♪ Presents the circle ♪

[Chuckling] Oh, it's so good.

♪ And puts the glory out to hide ♪

This woman's terrible.

♪ Hide ♪

Mom won't even talk to me.

Aw. That's too bad.

Thanks for letting me and Steve stay in your bedroom.

It's cute. Like a little mouse shoe.

You are loving this, aren't you?

Not at all, but if you want, I can put in a good word for you with mom during our evening chat.

We put on our slippers and talk about the family.

We call it slipper talk.

Okay, fine.

You may be mom's new favorite, but I'm going to win her back by using what's most important to her.

"Wheel of fortune"?

A good bargain.

You may be living your fancy lifestyle with your ta-tas and your Miatas, but what mom cares about most is stretching a dollar.

Oh, little sister.

Just because Steve and I are cushy doesn't mean I can't sniff out a good deal.

Designer luggage... 75% off.

When I told mom, she almost smiled.

Well, wait till I show her these silk throw pillows.

90% off from a condemned hospital.

Why don't we go shopping, see who can find a better deal?

Well, let's take this to the hole...

Tammy's fashion hole, where they have an unprecedented selection of only left shoes.

What a coincidence.

That's my preferred discount shoe.

Grandma Chu: Connie!

Coming, ah-ma!

[Modem connecting continues]

[Sighs]

Connie and my mom have slipper talk.

Steve has a fancy noise box.

Yeah, it's called Connie. [Chuckles softly]

We need to step up our game.

Don't worry, baby. We got this.

So, while this is happening, I have a chance to say how excited I am to show you Cattleman's Ranch tomorrow.

It's gonna be a full house.

Well, why wait to see this restaurant I've heard so much about?

I made a reservation for tonight.

Oh, well, I don't think the restaurant can accommodate on such short notice. [Chuckles]

Oh, no, not a problem. The manager was really nice.

He said there were plenty of tables.

[Chuckles]

Oh. [Chuckles]

[Telephone rings] Oh.

Howdy. Cattleman's Ranch.

Mitch, how many tables are booked for tonight?

Uh, let's see. Oh, just one.

Ooh, but it's a big party of 10.

Okay, well, there's a change of plans.

Me and my family are coming in tonight.

I need you to fill up the restaurant any way you can.

Well, I got that big party of 10 coming in.

No, we're the big party of 10!

You and me?

Me and my family are the big party of 10!

Steve: Let's go. Everybody in. Dinner's on Uncle Louis tonight.

Do you like my outfit, mom? I got a great deal.

Half off on all sport separates.

Mom, you like my jacket?

It was 60%, and it glows in the dark, so I save money on electricity, too.

[Laughs] Oh, hey, boss man.

I see you've dropped by for a little impromptu dinner with the kinfolk.

What's going on? I told you to pack the place.

Yeah, but I did the best I could.

You gave me very little time.

Look, those are my ex-roommates, Gwendolyn and Fritz... they just came from the renaissance fair...

Hector and Nancy... they're posing as customers... and charlene is the date that I'm currently on.

This isn't enough people!

Don't worry about it.

We got that party of 10 coming in.

Hey. Light crowd tonight, huh, Louis?

[Chuckles]

Well, this is just the awkward time between old people dinner and regular dinner, so...

[Chuckles]

To the king! [Laughs]

Are you wearing a whole new outfit?

I bought so many affordable items today, I couldn't pick just one.

Mom, this ski suit was 80% off, and it came with one pole.

Tennis, mother?

85% off.

Advantage... Connie.

So, is, uh, anyone gonna take our order.

Uh...

Welcome to Cattleman's Ranch.

Can I start you off with some drinks?

[Hector clears throat]

Aren't you a customer?

So, tell me about you.

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Uh, not anymore.

I mean, it's not exactly something you talk about on a first date, but for some reason, I feel like I can really open up to you.

[Telephone rings]

Oh, hold on one second.

Howdy. Cattleman's Ranch.

Yes, we do do to-go orders.

What's the name? Okay, Orenthal...

J...

Sampson.

Okay.

[Sighs]

This roll is stupid.

Dude, why are you such a bummer?

What can I say? I grew up.

No, you're played out, listening to that sad, white-lady music.

Whatever. You're not old enough to appreciate the emotion of grunge.

You still got baby ears.

Excuse me! Do you accept grain as payment?

Look, mom. Someone d*ed in this.

You know, I could have sworn you were a customer.

Uh, well [Chuckles]

You know, what we like to do is let the finicky diners do the... uh, Jessica, help me out here.

Oh, yes, well, uh... sorry, I wasn't listening. What are we doing?

I have no idea. So, a-am I a waitress again, or am I still pretending to be a customer, or am I... or...

Whoops. [Chuckles]

I think we can all agree that it's amazing that I've lasted this long, right?

[Jessica sighs]

Okay, fine.

The truth is, Cattleman's has got off to a shaky start.

I knew it!

Your fax machine wasn't tired, it was bored.

Hey, Connie, you missed it.

They finally admitted they're failing.

Oh, I heard.

That's my tiger shirt!

You stole it from my bag!

No, I found it. 100% off.

Thanks, mom.

Hey, boss man, I don't know if this is a good time to tell you this or not, but I think that table of 10 is a no-show, so...

Last night was a disaster.

I don't want to leave this room.

Now, that is a success perm.

[Chuckles]

I'm so tired.

Nobody could have slept worse than we did.

Mm.

So, is anybody gonna talk about aunt Connie's boobs?

Aah! She heard me!

I was just looking for some sugar.

What are you boys doing in here?

They're there because we don't have enough bedrooms.

Are you happy?

Cattleman's Ranch is not doing well, our house is small, and you're mom's favorite... you win.

Jessica.

I know how you feel.

But you'll get used to being mom's least favorite daughter.

I did.

It was not so bad for you.

The only pictures she had in her wallet were of you and Kurt Russell.

You saw inside her wallet? I didn't think it opened.

[Chuckles] I have to say...

I never knew being the favorite was so hard.

It takes a lot of patience.

I know.

When you watch "Wheel," does she still yell at the TV screen when someone buys a vowel?

Together: "Vowels are a waste of money!"

[Both laugh] Josephine's missing!

Who?

My Miata! Someone snatched Josie!

Why aren't you freaking out?!

Aah!

Yeah, officer, you need to have all units looking for my car.

It's a brand-new 1995 miata.

Sir, you said the color of your car is British-racing green?

Yes.

They discontinued British-racing green in the '95 model.

The last year the brg was available was in the '93.

It's used! I knew it! [Laughs]

Guess that alarm was fake, too.

"Whoop-whoop" my ass!

No, no, no. I-I-I-I got a special edition...

Sir, I've got two passions in life... law enforcement and japanese sports coupes.

That's right.

I, too, am a proud gay man and Miata enthusiast.

Oh, here we go.

Says a repo order was issued for that car.

Apparently the owner is way behind in payments.

Steve?

Okay, so I took out a few loans to pay back some other loans.

We're in debt, and you didn't tell me?

I thought we were cushy.

We are cushy!

We're just a little low on cashola!

Are we poor?!

Are they gonna take away my stuff?!

I like my stuff!

[Crying]

Yo.

Well, probably should have hung up already, but I didn't, so I heard all that.

I'll mail you some literature about the Miata queens of Orlando.

We meet every other month, but whatever.

You'll read about it. [Sighs]

[Doorbell rings]

What's going on?

These two were fast asleep in the backseat of a Miata I repo'd.

Evan: It was more comfortable than the pantry.

Uh, of course!

My boys I was so worried about and knew were gone!

Thank you for not repo'ing my children.

No problem. Comes with the job.

Mm.

As well as dibs on anything we find in the cars.

Mm.

Hello, juice.

You know, for the record, that dealer told me that Miata was new.

Well, people lie.

Sometimes even to themselves.

[Chuckles] Hey, don't worry, okay?

I won't tell the family about any of this.

I know business has its ups and downs.

You'll get back on your feet.

I appreciate it, Louis.

You know...

I got to say [Sighs] it'd be a lot easier if I still had my best salesman.

[Chuckles]

Hey, if you ever need any advice, just give me a call, okay?

Just not on my dedicated fax line 'cause that's just for faxes.

[Chuckles]

Oh.

There we go. [Chuckles]

Sorry I got a little upset before.

Guess I just got caught up in the emotion of the moment.

Really?

'Cause to me it looked like you were straight-up crying.

But maybe my baby ears didn't hear it right.

You guys want to listen to some 2Pac?

Really? We can listen with you?

Mm.

I'll go get some sunny d and raisins.

I'll get our toothbrushes for after.

Well, I can't wait to get out of this swampland.

Well, nothing's stopping you.

By the way, your hair looks terrible.

And your boobs are way too big.

Have a safe drive, mom.

Well, she's coming around.

Connie!

Coming, ah-ma.

We all took something away from that trip.

Except grandma who set something loose.

And in the process we learned that just like O.J. people weren't always what they see.

I can't believe it.

We won.

Yes, we did.

We finally proved this Miata was used.

And we are always honest with each other.

We are the most successful couple.

You realize we are swimming in dept too?

Yes, but we are swimming together.

Oh man. Come on.

That one was gross.