01x07 - Showdown at the Golden Saddle

Eddie: Everyone thought my pops was the nicest guy in Orlando. [Chuckles]

But he had a guilty pleasure.

He loved gangster movies... immigrants fighting for their piece of the American dream.

Eh, so many bullets. [Chuckles]

And deep down, he was the same way.

Because when it came to providing for his family, he would do whatever it took.

[Siren wailing]

[Both panting]

[Heart beating]

Aah! Whoa!

But my shoe!

Leave it!

Oh, no!

Let me tell you something about that shoe!

Nordstroms hardly ever has a sale.

And one time, by the grace of God...

No time for a speech!

Ooh! Aah! No!

My shoe! Aah!

Showdown at the Golden Saddle

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

My dad was excited to show us the newest promotion for his restaurant.

My mom, on the other hand, was less enthused.

It's a sunny day in Orlando, you're driving down the street...

No, you're driving.

Well, I'm setting the scene, building suspense for when you guys see the restaurant billboard.

Play along.

"Play"? I don't like to play.

Well, you don't, but you are not you.

No, you are a beefy lake-house owner in town for the sailing convention, and you are hungry.

No, I'm not. I just had grapes.

Damn it! [Sighs]

♪ I'm not the Butler ♪
♪ I'll cut ya, headbutt ya ♪

Mom, Eddie's rapping at my always-there bear.

Did they give you that pin for narc-ing?

No, that's tattle-turtle.

This is for the school's best attendance record.

Why is this billboard so far away?

You could have put it here.

Or here. Or here.

Louis: Well, those big companies can afford to put billboards anywhere.

I have to be more strategic.


Now, this is the best billboard spot in all of Orlando.

It's the longest red light, there's no tall buildings to block the view, and there's a homeless man who's always on the corner, reminding drivers that they're hungry.

Is that a bird in his pocket?

Yes. It's dead.

So, naturally, you divert your eyes away from him, you turn your head, and you look up to see...

Whoa, cool! Did you really hold up that cow?!

Yeah, I did.

It was heavy, too. He had just had lunch.

[School bell rings] Meanwhile, I had my own problems, but they weren't at school.

As tough as school was, it was a cakewalk compared to the bus.

[Indistinct conversation]

♪ Wild, wild west ♪

[Indistinct shouting]

♪ Wild, wild west ♪

Boy: Got ya!

Boy 2: Oh-oh! No fair!

The bus was the only part of the day without adult supervision.

So me and the other sixth graders were left to fend for ourselves.

If you wanted to survive, you had to stay up front and pretend to sleep.

If you didn't, things could get ugly.

I just glad I got to keep ol' Bess here.

My teachers usually like to keep my projects, but that's not fair to my parents.

They fund my creations... [Screams]

[Crunch!] Oh, Bess!



Better him than us.

Sure, the driver was there, but he wasn't paid enough to care.

[Sighs] Lucky hands.

Lucky hands.

The only bright spot on the daily hell ride was my neighbor Nicole.

She was as tough as a stale tootsie roll, and I loved it. [Sighs]


[Shouting continues]

[Laughter] ♪ wild, wild west ♪

What are you looking at?

♪ Wild, wild west ♪

I'll get this to his mother.

One bloomin' onion.

Uh, Mitch, I think you meant to say booming onion. [Chuckles]

"Blooming onion" is the intellectual property of another, less-good restaurant, okay?


Like they have potato skins, but we have tomato skins.

Nope. No, no.

No, none of your ideas... no tomato skins, no jalapeno toppers, and no buffalo things.

You know, I don't have to take this.

I get job offers all the time from other restaurants.

There's heat on Mitch. Oh, yeah.

Louis, you were right about the billboard.

I told you. The place has been packed all day.

People have been coming up to me and talking to me about it.

Hmm. One lady even let me cut in front of her in line at the grocery store.

Wow, you usually get into fights at the grocery store.

I know! [Chuckles]

And we have been invited to the chamber of commerce charity-fundraising event.


It's at a country club! [Gasps]

[Chkles] Why are you so excited about a country club?

Because of "Caddyshack"!

It's my favorite movie... set in a country club.

I've always wanted to go to one. Hmm.

[Chuckles] "Spaulding, get your foot off the boat!"


It's so much yelling. It's so good.

[School bell rings]

[Indistinct shouting]

Tess is not with Nicole today.

This is my chance to sit next to her.

Shut up. You'll get us all killed.

I need to show her that I'm not just a little kid that naps on the bus, and I'm gonna do it with this.

I'm holding up Ice Cube's "Predator" album.

"Parental advisory."

Once she gets I listen to badass music, she'll know I'm down.

♪ Unh-unh ♪ [Rapping] ♪ and, no, I'm not the Butler, I'll cut ya ♪
♪ Headbutt ya, you say you can't touch this ♪
♪ And I wouldn't touch ya, in fact I'll buck ya ♪
♪ Unh ♪
♪ here to let you know, boy, oh, boy ♪

Feel this, girl.

♪ This ain't no kind of motion picture ♪

Damn, you're a grown-ass man.

♪ I'll get... ♪
♪ Check yo self before you wreck yo self ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm bad for your health ♪
♪ I come real stealth, ye-e-e-ah ♪
♪ Check yo self before you wreck yo self ♪
♪ Chickety-check yo self before you wreck yo self ♪
♪ 'Cause tricks like you is ♪
♪ B-a-a-ad for my ♪
♪ he-e-e-alth ♪

Both: ♪ hmm ♪
♪ You better ♪


♪ check yo se-e-e-e-e-e-if ♪


Dave: Hey, did you just fall asleep for real?

You cannot fall asleep for real.

Shut up.

[Sighs] I'm going back there.

I can't watch this.

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

How did it go?

They took my pants and threw it out the window.

♪ Dig, dig, I dig, dig, I dig ♪


It took me forever to get home from school that day without my pants, so I had a lot of time to think.

If I was gonna share headphones with Nicole, it wasn't gonna happen on the bus.

I needed one-on-one time with her.

Thanks. See you in carpool tomorrow, Mrs. Wilson.

[Car door closes]

Eddie: Carpool.

Who said that? Is someone in there?



A bush kid!

Which one says I am rich enough to be invited but not rich enough that you could ask me to donate money?

I think the one with the Tokyo Disney on the label.

Mom, I don't want to ride the bus anymore.

I want to carpool, and here's 50 reasons why I...



Well, what can I say, you caught me in a charitable mood.

But not too charitable.

Yes, girl. Yes.

Great! [Chuckles]

Oh, hey.

Maybe your stepdaughter Nicole would like to join?


I'll ask Marvin, and then he'll ask her, and she'll tell him what her answer is.

It's like the way we communicate at dinner.

Takes a long time to get the salt.

[Exhales sharply] Yes!

That seat's taken. Get in the back.

Are you saving that seat for your attitude?

My bus friends already miss me, so they dropped off this breakfast burrito.

So sweet.

Get in the back.

Dad, why are you coming?

Oh. I want to see the billboard glistening in the morning dew.

Okay, but don't do anything embarrassing in front of Nicole.

[High-pitched voice] Ooh!


[Sniffs] Oh. Come on.

[Normal voice] What? That's how I sneeze. [Sniffs]

Okay, get in. Let's go.

But we don't have Nicole yet!

Oh, she's not coming.

Honey said Nicole told Marvin that she's happy on the bus.

But don't worry. Your best friend, Mark, is here.


Who's that?

I don't even know who he is!

You don't recognize me because we always have our eyes closed, but I ride the bus with you.

So happy not to have to do that anymore.

Get in.

[Van door closes]

Mark, have you ever seen a billboard?

Picture yourself a hungry accountant who's just taken his kids to Disney world. Mm-hmm.

♪ Baby, here I am ♪
♪ I got that good love, girl, you didn't know? ♪
♪ All I need is one more chance ♪

And... the homeless man with the dead bird cues us to turn our heads, look up to the sky, and... aah!


There's chorizo in here!

Those guys.

Folks, I promise, we'll get someone to clean it as soon as we can.

Nobody tried to stop them?!

Everyone just stood around and watched my husband's face get milked on?

Nobody's gonna believe I let a cow do that to me, right?

I wouldn't worry.

Probably just random kids in the area.

This is anatomically impossible.

Everybody know you got to squeeze the teat to produce the milk.

I just wish it didn't look like I was enjoying it so much.

[Horn honking]

Why won't they hurry up?

Calm your panties.

You calm your panties! I'm gonna be marked absent!

And they'll take away my always-there bear!

All because of your stupid carpool.

Hey, I hate it, too.

Guys, come on. don't say that about the carpool.

[Sighs] I'm going back to the bus.

[Horn honking]

It may be hell, but at least I get to see Nicole.

Well, you'll also get to see her tonight.


I heard mom invite her over after she said no to the carpool.

[Exhales sharply]

Why does everyone hate this?

[Horn honks]

Why won't they hurry up?!

[Horn blares]

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, hey, girl.

Didn't know you were coming over tonight.

Caught me strengthening my hands.


Everything okay?

Oh, yeah. We're gonna have a great time.

Bye, sweetie. Have fun babysitting.


Honey, I'm glad that you did not wear a yellow dress because I am wearing a yellow dress.

Well, you did call me and say not to wear yellow... okay, I will see you at the country club. Bye.

[Laughing] Bye.

Nicole, come in.

Um... [Door closes] .. is that old lady self-sufficient?

Because my parents showed me "Cocoon" when I was little, and I just can't.

Oh, she's fine.

She'll fight you for dominance and then fall asleep.


Babysitting? Why can't grandma watch us?

Because last time, she charged me $100 an hour.

All right, we've got to get going.

Nicole, some ground rules... no scary movies.

Jessica: If you watch "Jurassic Park," fast-forward when the water glass trembles.

Eddie doesn't like it when the T. Rex gives the jeep the big eye.

He also has gentle bowels, so only bland foods.

What is happening?

They should all be in bed by 9:00, and if anyone feels warm, there's a thermometer and flintstones chewables.

Both: Orange, orange, grape.

And, Nicole, I missed school this morning, so they took away my always-there bear, and I feel...

Okay, they're all yours!

Open bar ends at 7:00, bye!

Thank you!

♪ Unh, unh, unh, unh ♪

Look at us... all dressed up, going to a country club.


"Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!"


That's also a line from "Caddyshack."

Ah. [Chuckles]

This is all because of you, Louis.

When we first moved down here and you opened the restaurant, everybody doubted you, including me. Hmm.

But you saw something that no one else did.

You are a visionary.

Thank you. That's nice to hear.

You know, when I first move us down here...

[gasps] What the hell?!


As in sneaky!

They are calling us sneaky asians!

Random kids, my ass... we are being targeted!

What my mom didn't know was that the billboard was right... my dad was sneaky.

Cattleman's Ranch was a total knockoff of Golden Saddle.

[Texan accent] And that's what you get when you buy a Golden Saddle franchise.

It's all covered in this confidential operations manual.

He rolled into town and jacked their manual because, like I said, he would do whatever it took.

[Breathing heavily]

It's a hate crime.

It's a hate crime! I mean, it's obvious!

Probably just random kids again.

No! If it was random kids, they would have hit the Hoagie King!

It paints itself, really.

[Piano music playing]

You know, when sheryl and I started angel smile wish, we never thought we'd touch so many tiny hearts.

So, please, give generously.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Is this charity for children or dogs?

You know, I thought it was for the environment.

Okay, back to my thing.

So, like I was saying, it's a hate crime.

[Chuckling] She's jumping to conclusions.

Oh, how beautiful is this butter?

[Chuckles] Seashells!

I think I can hear the ocean.

[Laughs loudly]

You're starting early.

You know, some people just can't stand to see minorities succeed.

It's Mike Tyson all over again.

He's doing great, he's killing it, and then they make him marry the actress from "Boomerang," and bam!... Champ is broke.

Halle Berry?

No, the sexy, mean one with the pretty toes.

Well, you know, our councilman is sitting right over there.

You should tell him that this happened.

That's a good idea.

He should know about a hate crime happening in his district.

Uh, Jessica, stop!

What is wrong with you?

I'm just gonna tell our councilman.

I need to show you something.

♪ I h something coming out of... ♪

I don't believe this.

This is exactly our restaurant.

They copied us. [Bell jingles]

No, Jessica. I copied them.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Bell jingles]

[Coins clinking]

[Upbeat music plays]

Sorry about before.

I didn't know my mom had hired someone to co-babysit with me.

But I'm happy to have the help. These two are handfuls.

But it goes so fast. I try to cherish it.

You know what goes fast? Me.

I can run to the end of the street in eight seconds.

Time me.

Wear a jacket!

[Door opens, closes]

How old are you?

Old enough to read this parental-advisory sticker and ignore it.

Want to listen?

[Telephone rings, beeps]


Boy: Hey, girl.

Oh, hey. Uh, hold on.

Let me go in the other room.

It's this guy I know.

Yo, it's me. [Door opens]


The Smiths' German Shepherd took a run at me.

Don't tell mom. She'll have him put down.

Jessica: I don't understand.

This was your big dream?

To move down here and copy this place?

No, my original plan was to buy a Golden Saddle franchise.

And that's what you get when you buy a Golden Saddle franchise.

It's all covered in this confidential operations manual.

All that's left now is to sign the paperwork and collect your $50,000 franchise fee.

Oh! And to size you for your belt buckles!

Oh. [Chuckles]

You want your belt buckles, mm!

Uh, great.

I'll give you $10,000 up front and put the rest on a payment plan.

No, no. I need the whole amount right now.

The whole amount?

[Chuckling] Well, who has that kind of money?

I guess they do.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Uh... I have to pee.



Go pee. [Laughing] I'm not gonna stop you from peeing.

This is America. You can pee if you want. [Laughing]

I'll go pee.

Yeah. Take that book with you. It's good reading material. Okay.

It is good reading material.

I like that guy.

And then I jumped out the bathroom window.

I didn't have the money, but I still had my dream of a better life for our family.

So I took what I did have, and I opened a steakhouse of my own.

Oh, why didn't you tell me?

Because I was ashamed.

I wanted you to think I was a visionary. [Sighs]

Louis... What you did was smart.

Just like you were smart to move down here and open up your own restaurant and pick the perfect billboard location.


You're a good businessman.

And I would choose a good businessman over a visionary any day of the week.

Besides, you made it your own.

You added a salad bar, you have "wanted" posters for people who bounce checks, and the bears aren't even the same color.

[Bell jingling] Thank you!

And it's not like Golden Saddle owns the idea of a steakhouse.

They don't.


It's like, uh, sizzler's just a cheaper knockoff of Black Angus.


And Black Angus is just a cheaper knockoff of Ruth's Chris!

And they are all just chasing that Morton's ring.

[Both laugh]

Finnegan: I see you got my message.

Hello, thief.

Mrs. Thief.

Finnegan. This is Jessica, my wife.

[Chuckling] Oh, well, well, well.

Look who has an Asian fetish, too.

I guess Louis copies everything I do.

What's your problem?

Your restaurant's busy. You own 10 franchises.

You're doing great.

And you are doing well, which I don't like.

You're just upset because Louis didn't pay your ridiculous franchise fee.

He is a smarter businessman than you are.

Oh, you think so? Then how come I stole his favorite employee?



Oh. Uh, sorry, guys.

How could you do this? We were a family.

He offered to double my salary.

But, I mean, if you guys want to do that...

Goodbye forever, Mitch.

Jessica: If you think stealing our employee and vandalizing our billboard is gonna make us back down, you are wrong.

Yeah, you better watch out because "Scarface" and "Miller's Crossing" are coming at ya.

Wait. Is that... is that what you two guys call each other?

There's nothing I hate more than a couple of lousy, no-good cinephiles.

[Insects chirping]

I made myself a new pin.

"Usually-there bear."

I hate it.

[Inhales sharply]

Didn't your parents say you have a weak stomach or something?

Yeah, "week," as in I can eat this stuff for seven days straight.

[Water running]

Uh, are you okay?

[Water stops]

Don't come in here!

Were you running the shower?

I can't talk to you right now, please!

[Water runs]


[Toilet flushes]

[Sighs] Now, where were we?


[Door closes] [Water runs]

Sure, my dad would do whatever it took, but the tough guy in my family had always been moms.

Great idea, Jessica. Mm.

You don't think it's too clever, do you?

I want them to get it.


I guess this wasn't the country-club night you imagined.

Are you kidding? We stuck it to a rich guy.

It's just like "Caddyshack."

[Siren wailing]

Run, Jessica! Run!


I am so sorry we're late.

I know we said we'd be home earlier.

What happened?

Did the Smiths' dog go after you, too?

Yes. [Chuckles]

That dog needs to be put down.

Eddie: Mom, is that you?

Are you home?! Don't say anything to her!

Well, E-Eddie's been in the bathroom with some stomach issues.

Oh, it's probably because he likes you.


It sounds like you're talking to her!

Don't talk to her, okay?

[Sighs] Oh. That's why he asked to borrow my old spice. Oh.

Nantucket wind.

Well, I'm gonna head.

Okay, well, thank you for watching the boys. Hmm.

Oh, and tell Eddie, um, I listened to this.

It's good. I'm keeping it.

Okay. [Chuckles]

There you go.

[Both sigh]

Eddie: Mom, did she leave?

Has she left? Can you come in here, please?

[Indistinct shouting]

Nicole: Hey.

[The notorious B.I.G.'s "One more chance" plays]


♪ Unh, what? ♪
♪ That's right, that's right ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Bad boy ♪
♪ All I need is one more chance ♪
♪ One more chance ♪
♪ Unh ♪
♪ I can help you find yourself ♪
♪ I got that good love, girl, you didn't know? ♪
♪ Unh ♪
♪ 'cause you don't need nobody else ♪

[Sighs] Yes.