01x09 - License to Sell

Eddie: So, a few weeks ago, my mom accidentally sold a house.

We love it. We'd like to make an offer.

Oh! [Laughing] Oh-ho.

And it was like she'd finally found her calling in life.

I was born to do this!

And she jumped right into it, full force.

Thank you so much. Goodbye.

I-it's nice, but, uh, five bedrooms is a lot for our first home.

No, it is not.

Listen, Manuel, Soleil...

Those are not our names.

It doesn't matter.

I sold a house on my very first day on the job.

Trust me... I am the best.

There she is!

Oh, she's the one who keeps swooping in on my listings!

Hey, Jessica.

Oh, hi, George.

Officer Bryson is a regular at my husband's restaurant.

We have a caricature of him on the wall.

I'm wearing an apron, standing next to a barbecue.

I love barbecue sauce, and... they ran with it.

Can we please?!

She doesn't even have a realtor's license!

Go ahead... ask to see her license.

[Sighs] She's come down to the station three times.

Do you mind?

Not at all.

Let me get it. It's just in my car.

I hate caricatures.

Is my nose a little big? Yes.

Could my husband use it as a ski jump? No.

[Engine turns over, tires squeal]

She's getting away!

sh**t out her tire!

W-which would be an easshot from this beautiful, hand-carved double-door entry.


License to Sell

♪ fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[Chuckling] Okay.

Thank you.



I forgot my wallet.

You're at home.


[Door opens]

Boys, get over here!

What is it?

Something I've wanted for a long time.

Emery: A giant box!

I'm so happy for you, dad. Congratulations.

Evan: When I grow up, I'm gonna get a box, too.

[Rapping] ♪ Wired her a letter to get her ♪
♪ And it went, "my dear, my dear, my dear ♪
♪ You do not know me, but I know you very well ♪
♪ Now let me tell you 'bout the feelings I have for you" ♪

Ever since I first laid eyes on Nicole, I knew she was my girl.

Maybe she was out of my league, but look at Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri.

If that ashy li'l nugget could get it, so could I.


How do I get Nicole to like me?

Well, you picked a tough one, buddy.

I'm not gonna lie.

She's cute, and she's older.

You're 11, and you sleep with a glo worm.

Yo, g-dubs sleeps with me.

Look, getting girls is like opening a restaurant.

It's all about location.

You just have to be conveniently located when she's driving home from the airport and too desperate to look for other options.

W-what do you mean?

Find out where she's gonna be and be there always.

Like, uh, is she part of any clubs, or where does she go after school?

That's your move, buddy. That's what you're gonna do.


Apparently, you need a license to sell houses!

Did you know this?!

I did know this.

I told you this, and you ignored me.

Ashley Alexander is trying to take me out because she knows I am the best.

It is like Mike Tyson all over again.

They bring in Miss Black Rhode Island...

Honey, you're gonna have to give up on that.

He was guilty. He went to jail.


I will ace their silly exam, and then I will treat myself to a chipwich, because... tell me why, Evan.


Evan, always be listening to me.

What did I ask you when you got a 99 on your spelling test?

"Did anyone get a 100?"

And I said, "no," and you said, "then you are the best."

That's right. Because what do I say, Emery?


Emery, always be listening to me.

"If you're going to do something, be the best."

[Wood crashes]

Guys, speaking of the best...


What is that?

It's a sit-down, salon-style hair dryer, and it's beautiful.

Now I can finally reach my maximum hair potential.

I need more information.

I ordered it from the outlet mall.

See, you know how hand-held dryers blow your hair back, when what you really want is for the hair to be blown down?

That's what the Philippe Monday 3000s provides... a cone of premium, omnidirectional hot air for that all-over dry.

Thank you.

Excuse me... can you move?

I want to sit close to the door. This won't take me long.

I have a chipwich waiting for me in the car.


This test is a waste of my time.

Ugh. I know what you mean.

I always say "time is money."


It says "get rich" in Chinese.

[Chuckling] Oh, I love that.

Kim from Sunshine Realty.

Jessica. Hi.

Are you already a realtor?

Yes, for 10 years now. I'm just renewing my license.

What about you? How long have you been in the game?

Only a month, but I already sold a house... on my first try.

Congratulations. You will never forget your first time.

Mine was, what, 358 houses ago?

You jive.

I know. It's crazy, right?

But I'm kind of a freak of nature.

I've been voted top-selling realtor five years running according to the Orlando sentinel.

They... call you that?

Yes. Kind of embarrassing. [Laughs]

Here's the article.

You can keep that. I have copies.

So, uh, why are you so late to the game?

Career change?

Well, I have three kids...

Ohhh. Okay. So you made that choice.


I am also a stay-at-home mom starting my act 2 in life.

You and me... we're the same.

No, we are not.

I envy you two.

We are not the same.

Tell us all about it.

We are not the... s-same.

Proctor: You have two hours for part 1.

[Clears throat]

I forgot my pencil. Let me go get it.

It's just in my car.

State got my letter, right?

Marge Hickman... I'm allowed these?

But I'm the only one who'll walk across the fire...

Honey: Jessica?

[Laughing] Hey!

What are you doing here?

Eating a chipwich.

I thought you were supposed to be taking your real-estate exam.

Okay, Honey.

It's only fear that makes you run

What did your dad mean, "be conveniently located when she's driving home from the airport"?

He was saying I should find out where she at after school.

If I could spend time with my dad, I wouldn't waste it talking about some skeeze.

Okay, Dave.


Boys: Whoa!

You are gonna spend the rest of your life in detention.

At least I have a life.


What's this? What's this? Oh! It's my wedding ring!

[Scoffs] I have a life.

That's how I'm gonna spend time with her.

I got to get thrown into detention.

Oh, yeah? How are you gonna do that?

Yes, Eddie?

Oprah sucks.

[All gasp]

Eddie: Hey, girl.

Looks like we're just two rebels, here.

Yeah. Totally.

Um, can you hold this for me?

I'll be right back.

Young man, is that a bag of ninja stars?

What? No! Nicole just asked me to hold this for her.

Did she leave?

She did it again.

I don't know where she gets off.

You know I'm married, right?



You passed your test!

I mean, we knew you would. It's just a formality.

Like you said, got to weed out the dum-dums.

Yep. I did it.

No dum-dums here.

The cake says "a-b-c"... "always be celebrating."

I thought the "b" should stand for "best."

"Always best celebrating"?

That's what you wanted?

What'd you say, mommy?

I-I didn't say anything.

Oh. Okay.

I'm listening to you, though, just so you know.

Louis: Careful.

[Children grunting]

What's going on?

Oh. Excuse the 3000s.

She got a wider stance than I realized.

I told the girls at school we got a new hair dryer, and they said, "don't do anything different to your hair.

We love it."

Who said that? Bianca? That sounds like Bianca.


Jessica, don't you have to get up?

I thought you had a lot of houses to show today.

Oh, yes, a lot of showings today.

Busy, busy.

Houses, mansions, condos, houseboats.

How crazy are houseboats? You go home and you sail away.

What's your address? The ocean.

Don't like your neighbors?

Fish are your neighbors. You can eat your neighbors.

So, yeah... busy, busy.

Okay, have a great day. I'm going under.



I went to where Nicole hangs out after school.

She blew me off.

Okay, well, now that you've got her location down, you got to find out what she likes so you can plan your menu.

Can you not talk in restaurant?

[Sighs] Okay. Find some shared interests, something you both like, you know, to break the ice.

Is that what you did with mom?

Oh, not right away.

We developed our shared interest over about nine months... you.


[Hair dryer whirring loudly]




I love it!

[Whirring continues]

I didn't take the test.

I have nowhere to go, and I have to pretend to be at work all day.

No, he died last year.

It's very sad.

[School bell rings]

Okay, you little turds.

No funny business today.

I'm at a really big point in Michael Crichton's "Congo," and I'm gonna put my headphones on.

[Tribal b*at playing]

[Clears throat]

Couldn't help but notice you framed me with a bag of ninja stars the other day.

You into Asian warfare?

Brandon Lee was hot.

R.I.P., B. Lee.

You ever seen "the crow"?

It's one of my favorite movies.

I don't need to see it. I've lived it.

[Seagulls crying]

Eddie: My pizza!

Get away, crows!

This place sucks.

I don't even need to be here, anyway.

I'm going to beauty school.

Girl, let me stop you right there.

You do not need a school to teach you how to be beautiful.

A beauty school, where you learn how to do hair and makeup?

Awesome! I love that stuff, too!

You should come over sometime after school.

I... yes.


[Chuckling] Hey!

What are you doing here?

Why aren't you showing houses?

I didn't take the realtor test.


Why not?

Because I'm never gonna be as good as her.

Oh! Kim!

Oh! She is great.

She sold us our house.

Okay, Honey.

[Chuckling] I'm sorry, Jessica.

Look, I know how hard it is living in someone else's shadow.

Marvin's first wife was 25 years older than me, 25 pounds heavier, and is addicted to prescription meds.

How are you living in her shadow?

Oh. No. Sweetie, no.

No, no. She's living in mine.

But I really feel for her.

Look, anyway, the point is, there's always gonna be a shadow.

So it's up to you to step out of it.

So... We're gonna stop eating the ice cream, and you are gonna get your butt back down there and ace that test.

You're right.

Thank you, Honey.

That's exactly what I am going to do.

Ma'am. Ma'am, you can't do those here.

You're gonna get scratcher dust in the ketchup.

Well, I can't go outside, because my friend is a jogging maniac.

She's all over the city.

The only place I am safe is here, by your junk food.

Let's see what you have in your pot, you cute, little leprechaun.



There's flies making love in your hot-dog case!

Emery: Mission control, this is star fighter. Come in.

The shields are down! I repeat, the shields are down!

We're coming in hot, and we're bringing company!

Damn it, lieutenant! The shields are down!

We're breaking up on re-entry! The g-force is too much!

Tell Bianca I loved her.

I will do no such thing... 'cause you're gonna tell her yourself.

[Boys imitating laser fire]

You guys are good.

[ Alternative rock plays]

And this is my crimper with interchangeable plates.

It's the same one Melissa Joan Hart uses.

That's so interesting.

It wasn't interesting, but I didn't care.

I was in her crib!

You know, I'm glad you guys moved in next door.

You are?

Yeah. It was pretty boring around here.

And your house was empty for so long because of the m*rder.


I'm kidding.

[Exhales deeply] Yo, you got me, there.

Hey, could I ask you a favor?

I need someone to practice my beauty stuff on.

No problem, girl. Do your thing.

Yeah? Cool. Thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I thought you were just gonna style my hair or something.

What I really need to learn is ear piercing.

You know Brandon Lee had an earring, right?

True dat.

Ooh, this was crazy.

It was the closest I'd ever been to a girl who wasn't my mom, a dentist, a nurse...

[piercing g*n clicks]

[Echoing] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Quick... "propensity."





Wrong. Here's the word. Write it five times.

How was your first day as a licensed realtor?

Ohm, you know, it... it was the same.

It didn't feel any different.

But it had to feel a little different, right?

You're legit now.

Actually, I was thinking about it, and... I feel like I have conquered that world.

I'm ready to move on to something else.

Don't be silly. You're great at this.

Hey, can I see your license?


Oh, it's in the car.

Don't worry. I know you photograph angry.

I don't care. I just want to see the license.

Oh... Well, let me just get it. [Chuckles] [Laughs nervously]

In my purse.

Let me just get it.


[Sighing] Oh.

[Inhales sharply]


A little zip-zip...


Oh, no! Someone has stolen it!


[Lock clicks]

No one leaves until we find out who.

It's definitely grandma.

Jessica, I know you didn't take the test.

What?! No! I...

I ran into Honey.


Judas priest! A...

Whoa. [Chuckles]

She told me everything.

The only thing that woman runs more than her legs is her mouth.

She's worried about you.


Okay, it's true. I didn't take the test.

Here's the thief, mommy.

See ya, girl.

Trent: Dude, let's go!

Get your bike out!

W-what's going on?

Shaq's at the barbecue store at the mall!


He's getting his propane t*nk fixed.

Just before that, he was at Mrs. Fields, getting one of those giant cookies.

But I bet to him, it's a regular cookie.

Dude! Is that an earring?

Yeah. Nicole tagged me like her own personal wildcat.

You look like a fool!

We're losing focus!

Eddie. Eddie, get on.

Hey, Eddie! I just found my henna stencils.

Can I practice decorating your hands?

Too long, Huang. We got to go.

Shaq! We're coming, Shaq!

We forgive you for "Shaq Fu"!

What's going on? Why didn't you take the test?

What's the point?

No matter how many houses I sell, I'm never gonna catch up with people who've been doing it for 10 years.


It's too late in the game for me to be the best.

[Sighs] Why do you always have to be the best?

Because I tell the boys they always have to be the best.

So your answer is to just quit?

I'm not used to this!

Well, you're also not used to having a full-time job, living in Orlando, having a husband with perfect hair.

A lot of things in life are new for you.

All that matters is you do your best.

Isn't that a better example for the boys than quitting?

I like quitters even less than losers.

Mm-hmm. It goes like this.

It goes quitters, losers, cats, kleenex, Martin Sheen, redheads, croissants, buttons...

Emery: Quick!

What are the zoning laws for a noncommercial establishment?

I just opened the book.


Here's the answer. Write it five times.

[Pen clicks]

It's fun when mommy's bad.

Hey, mommy won't be bad for long.

I crunched the numbers, and if I sell 20 luxury homes a year, I can b*at Kim.

Plus, she's gonna turn 40 soon, panic, and do I.V.F.

That'll bench her for a few months.

But that's not what's important, right, Honey?

Right, right. No, right.

Hey, mom. I'm home.

Just gonna get a jump on my homework!

Love you!

You love me?


What are you hiding?


An earring?!


I take my eye off you for five minutes, and you do this?

And what are these?



I can't belie... my goodness. Your hands are beautiful.

Is your ear pierced?

You are in so much trouble.

I'm just doing what dad told me... treating Nicole like a restaurant.

You told him this was okay?

No. N...

I told him to spend time with her and find shared interests.

Which is what I did! She did all of this.

I-I can't even look at you with that thing.

Here... put this back on.

You look like an Indian Elmer fudd.


I said "shared interests."

What are you doing? You're not into this stuff.

I know. And I missed seeing Shaq at the mall.

He was power-browsing, and I wanted to go, but Nicole wanted to henna my hands.

What was Shaq browsing at the mall?

Cookies and propane.

Hm. That makes sense.

You figure he can't buy clothes there.

This is stupid!

I'm just gonna give up.

Eddie, no.

I'm not quitting, and you are not, either.

Just be yourself.

If that's not good enough, that's not the girl for you.

[School bell rings]

Hey, wait. Where's your earring?

I took it out.

And the henna wouldn't come off, so you'll just have to imagine that's gone, too.

I thought it looked great.

Honestly, I'm not really into any of that beauty stuff.

But you should totally go for it. You're good at it.

And after I'm done being grounded, if you want to do something that's not lame, like watch basketball or whatever, I'd be down.

By the way, I heard Shaq wasn't really at the mall yesterday.

It was just some big black guy in a mustard-colored suit.

Oh, I know. Dave was crying at the bus stop this morning.

I mean, where do you even get a suit that color?

And calling everybody "cousin."

That guy knew what he was doing.


I did it. I passed the test.

Congratulations! I knew you could do it!


We still have some of your cake left.

Who did that?

Who on earth improved this cake?

You did.

Star fighter to mission control.

My radar's been sh*t out. I don't have eyes.

My shields are up, but I don't know for how long.

[Imitates static]

[Deep voice] There's someone here who wants to talk to you.

[Imitates static]

[High-pitched voice] Honey, it's me.

[Imitates static]

You're the bravest star fighter ever.

Come back for me and the kids. I love you.

[Imitates static, radio squawk]

[Normal voice] I love you, too, Maureen.

Who's Maureen?!


I knew you were listening.


Go to bed!

Star fighter out.

Oh no I pressed the wrong button.