02x02 - Boy II Man

[bunniefuu]

[Snoring]

[Gasps] Wake up!

[Sighs] Why can't I have a normal alarm clock?

You have one. And these batteries never die.

♪ Like you loved me before ♪

You should probably get ready, or you're gonna be late for school.

But I want to finish watching the Boyz II Men video.

♪ This time instead just come to my bed ♪

You know, your dad's the first white guy I ever dated.

♪ And, baby, just don't... ♪

School's giving you a choice of activities for your fifth-period elective.

I chose piccolo.

Piccolo?! But I wanted leatherwork!

I was gonna craft myself a pair of timbos or maybe a saddle.

No, you're learning piccolo.

Why?!

All: Because I said so!

Can I borrow some money?

There's a cd sale at Sam Goody's.

Oh...

Don't you get your allowance on Friday?

Please, daddy?

Anything for my little princess.

Okay.

Well, I at least need you to take out the garbage.

Have a good day, boys.

You're going to work, dad, not jail.

I agree with Eddie. It's a little much.

Uh, Evan? Where's Evan?

He started power-walking to school with the neighborhood ladies.

I'm thinking we go up high street this morning.

[Women groan]

Pain is weakness leaving the body, girls!

S02E02
Boy II Man

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[School bell rings]

Barefoot Dave: "They're just like little purple tennis balls."

Anyway, that's how my mom tried to sell me on plums.

Man, you had a weekend!

Oh, no. Here come the 8th graders.

Man!

Ugh!

My cheese tool!

Hey, is it cool if I sit with you guys?

Yeah, sure! We got plenty of room.

Unh!

Repeating 8th grade sucks.

All my friends are in high school, and the new 8th graders hate me because I picked on them last year when they were all dumb 7th graders.

No offense.

All: None taken.

I'm sitting on the floor.

And now I have to get tutored during my 5th-period elective.

I feel you, girl.

For my elective, I have to take piccolo.

Oh, like that puppet that becomes a real boy.

Yep.

Sorry, Nicole. Won't happen again.

[Clatter]

Are they... afraid of you?

Those ding-wads?

[Chuckles] They better be.

You clown jockeys looking at something?!

[Doorbell rings]

Hey, Jessica! What's going on?

Stephen King book club, remember?

"Pet Sematary"?

I brought hush puppies we can bury in our mouths.

[Chuckles]

I haven't even started it.

I've been going through these parenting guides, looking for some help with Nicole.

"Daughter, we're in this together."

But you're not even her real mother.

You're her stepmother.

All you have to do is day-drink and criticize her weight.

Marvin only sees her as daddy's little girl, so I have to be the strict parent...

Mm.

Which I hate.

Because we have made so much progress as friends.

Why are Americans so obsessed with being friends with their children?

I have no children friends.

Okay, sure, but don't...

Look, your job isn't to be buddy-buddy.

It's to do what's best for Nicole, even if she doesn't like it.

Do you play chess?

No.

Oh, but Marvin and I did meet playing twister.

[Sighs deeply]

Okay, so, in chess, you have to think several moves ahead.

Like how Eddie doesn't want to learn piccolo but I'm making him because 2,000 marching-band scholarships go unclaimed every year at colleges!

That may work with Eddie, but Nicole's a teenager now, so I can't just force her to do what I want.

Horse dumplings! Of course you can!

Children are never too old to be controlled!

It's just like chess.

Children are the pawns, and you are the queen.

And as the queen, you control all the other pieces on the board.

Then the king just stands around and takes credit for your work.

[Sighs]

Standing, shorts.

[Chuckles]

I could do this all day. [Chuckles]

Ah, would you look at that, huh?

[Children giggling]

That's what I see every time I look at Nicole.

No matter how old she gets, she'll always be daddy's little girl.

[Giggling continues] Must be nice.

She probably still hugs you.

Every day.

I'll tell you, there's something magical about having a girl.

I have always wondered what it would be like.

[Laughs] [Giggles]

♪ Forever and ever ♪
♪ I love you so ♪ [Both laughing]

♪ Forever and ever ♪
♪ Want to let you know ♪
♪ Just what you mean to me ♪
♪ And all your charms ♪
♪ You've got that magic touch ♪
♪ A magic smile ♪

Just because she's married doesn't mean she can get fat.

[Sniffles]

So magical.

I can't believe I've got to go to tutoring.

At least you don't have to go to piccolo.

Why do I have to learn instruments?

I am an instrument.

[Scats]

That's all I have so far.

[British accent] Afternoon, Nicole.

Ooh, this must be your tutor.

Normally, the older students tutor the younger ones, but you're obviously the exception.

My wife's Asian, so I get it.

Tutor?! No, I...

Yes!

Uh, Eddie's my tutor. Just one second.

Tutor?! I can't teach!

I can educate sucka MCs, but that's not the same!

No, listen, I-it'll be awesome.

This way, you and me can just hang out all period and, like, listen to music and stuff.

Yeah.

That could be dope.

And this way, I can get out of piccolo!

My mom will love that I'm tutoring.

How can you not love tutoring?!

Because it's one step away from teacher, which is one missed paycheck away from homeless man with dirty dog and socks for gloves.

That doesn't even make any sense.

It doesn't have to make sense. You know why?

Because you said so!

You better not be going into the kitchen to eat ravioli!

[Footsteps approaching]

Hey, sweetie!

No!

But you don't even know what I'm asking.

You called me "sweetie," so you probably want something extravagant like a boat or a new party shirt.

Let's have another baby... a girl one!

Are you crazy?! Shop is closed!

[Sighs]

Emery: A daughter?

I have horrible news.

Grandma finally caught that bird?

Worse. Dad wants a daughter.

[Sighs] That is worse.

If we get a sister, she'll take over our room.

We'd have to move in with Eddie.

But only until he goes to college.

[Both laugh]

[Breathing heavily] [Laughs]

Eddie in college?!

It just came out!

It just came out!

[Doorbell rings]

[Inhales deeply] Jessica, I did it!

Aah! Whoo! [Laughs]

You did what?

Oh, Nicole asked me for money.

And I didn't give her any!

Good, because you are the queen.

You tell her "no."

[Inhales deeply] Uh, well...

[Water running]

Nicole: Honey! Where's your purse?!

Can't hear you! I'm in the shower!

I'm working up to "no." [Chuckles nervously]

But I didn't give her any money.

Okay, well, it's a start.

I give you a c-minus.

Learning to be a good parent takes time.

[Gasps] Speaking of learning, Nicole says Eddie is a fantastic tutor.

Eddie who?

[Laughs]

Jessica! You joke machine!

Your son has been tutoring her every day this week.

[Chuckles] Another master chess move by you.

Getting Eddie to study more...

You really are the queen.

You're still tutoring?! I told you to stop!

Wait, how did you know?!

I know everything!

You're taking piccolo!

You're going to ride that metal mouth tube all the way to money town!

No!

What did you just say?

I said "no."

Tutoring is the one chance I get to hang out with Nicole alone.

I'm not switching.

Yes, you are.

I will call the school and have them switch you.

Even if you switch me, you can't physically force me to play it.

I will tape it to your mouth.

I will breathe through my nose.

Your move, mom.

[Crickets chirping]

I can't believe Eddie defied me like that!

You know who wouldn't have disrespected you like that?

A girl.

The closest I ever came to defying my mother was when I wanted to pick out my own shoes!

You know whose shoes you could pick out?

A baby girl's.

Cowboy boots or...

Maybe I was too aggressive in my opening gambit...

One with a buckle and a strap.

Oh, uh, Mary Janes.

Going at him made him defensive.

That's what they're called.

So cute.

I need to fall back.

On a girl...

I need to outmaneuver him.

Which we could create...

Make Eddie think he chose the piccolo.

In under one minute.

Huh?

What?

Deidre: Your father does not want another baby, Evan.

He seems pretty serious about it.

Trust me, he just thinks he does.

Mm.

I'm sure it's hormones.

It's probably just his time of the month...

You know, when the mortgage is due. Mm-hmm.

Just get him a puppy... something small and cute he can take care of.

That's all he really wants.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Richard brought up the baby talk last spring.

I just bought him a drill.

[Laughter]

So, you must be Eddie's mother, or "mu-chin," yes?

My wife's from Asia, so, I, uh...

I would like you to give Eddie more tutoring students, please.

Ah, you see, one-on-one instruction is, uh, very much at the core of the tutoring process, so while I'm sure Eddie excels in all subjects [Sighs]

A-a-and likely a stringed instrument... my wife plays viola... uh, I just can't assign him more than one student.

Oh, of course. I understand your rule...

Yes.

For white students.

I'm listening.

As the husband of an Asian wife, I'm sure you're familiar with the tale of Zong Dingbo.

Oh, yeah. Zong Din... yes.

Asking Eddie to tutor only one student is wasting his potential.

It would be like asking Zong Dingbo to carry the ghost only halfway into the town.

[Both laugh]

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I see what you mean. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. You'll fix it!

I will. Yes.

You know, you and my wife should grab lunch.

No.

No.

[Indistinct conversations]

When did you start wearing glasses?

3rd grade, but I never felt safe enough to wear them at school until now.

When the details come into focus, some of us are less attractive than I thought.

His name is Captain Fuzz.

He's a pilot for continental airlines.

Eddie, check it out. I got the new Boyz II Men CD.

We can play it during tutoring while I finish drawing on your hand.

Word.

Pizza today, lads.

Are you wearing a skirt?

No. It's a kilt, like in "Braveheart."

Dude, that's too far. You're gonna get us all k*lled.

Hey, Nicole.

[Inhales deeply]

I know you didn't just say hi to me and not my friends.

Uh, uh, uh, uh...

"uh, uh, uh."

Bye!

We're invincible.

My boy's in a history dress!

[School bell rings]

Nicole: You would look good in one of those.

Probably.

Yo, wrong classroom! I'm tutoring up in here!

Oh, these are your new students.

But tutoring's supposed to be one-on-one.

Yes, but we both know you can handle more than one student.

Zong Dingbo. Yeah?

Did he just have a stroke?

Hey, I don't know you. You're new. My dad's in the m*llitary.

We just got transferred here, but don't worry.

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

[Laughs] That's so funny.

That wasn't funny.

[As Arnold Schwarzenegger] "It's not a tumor!"

[Laughs]

That's... you're... you're k*lling me.

[Laughs]

Oh, how was school today?

Terrible. Tutoring sucks.

I'm never doing it again.

Checkmate.

♪ We belong together ♪

Eddie, I called you for dinner five times!

I'm not hungry!

♪ Why do you play with my heart? ♪
♪ End of the road ♪
♪ Still, I can't let you go ♪

Here you go, dad.

♪ It's unnatural ♪

Why are you handing me my own drill with a bow on it?

For your hormones.

Drill your feelings away!

Aww.

This bow would look so cute on a baby girl.

[Chuckles] ♪ go to the end of the road ♪

[Sighs]

I found this in the sink. this in the pantry.

And these...

In between the magazines in the bathroom!

Oh, calendars with cute baby girls dressed as vegetables.

How did these get everywhere?

Do you know what baby girls turn into?

Teenage girls, and, Louis, trust me, neither of us want that.

Are you sure? I mean, come on.

I don't think that's cute!

I think it's freaky! It's like a curse!

It's like this poor baby angered some witch who cursed her to be trapped in a cabbage body!

And now she needs an emperor's kiss to release her from the curse, but the emperors are gone... replaced by democracy.

So this poor cabbage baby is left alone in the fields to be pecked at by crows.

And then a photographer comes along, and he takes a photograph of her, and he sells it for lots of money, but he leaves her alone to a life of misery!

For who could ever love a cabbage-faced baby?

♪ You just don't understand ♪

February's a carrot.

Shop is closed!

♪ When I can't sleep at night ♪
♪ Without holding you tight ♪
♪ Girl, each time I try ♪
♪ I just break down and cry ♪
♪ Pain in my head ♪
♪ Oh, I'd rather be dead ♪
♪ Spinning around and around ♪
♪ Although we've come ♪
♪ To the end of the road ♪
♪ Still, I can't let you go ♪
♪ It's unnatural ♪
♪ You belong to me ♪
♪ I belong to you ♪
♪ Come ♪
♪ To the end of the road ♪
♪ Still, I can't let you go ♪
♪ It's unnatural ♪
♪ You belong to me ♪
♪ I belong to you ♪
♪ I don't... ♪

Enough little man boyz! You've been in here for days!

Come to dinner now!

[Humming "End of the road"]

♪ It's unnatural ♪
♪ You belong to me ♪
♪ I belong to you ♪

Both: ♪ although we've come ♪
♪ To the end of the road ♪
♪ Still, I can't let go ♪
♪ It's unnatural ♪
♪ You belong to me ♪
♪ I belong to you ♪

Together: ♪ come ♪
♪ To the end of the road ♪
♪ Still, I can't let it go ♪
♪ Whoa-whoa-whoa ♪
♪ It's unnatural ♪
♪ You belong to me ♪
♪ I belong to you ♪

[Humming "end of the road"]

Girl. I'm here for you.

All those times at night when you just hurt me and just ran off with that other fella...

Baby, I knew about it.

I just didn't care.

[Humming continues]

[Crickets chirping] [Doorbell rings]

[Sighs] Ready for book club?

I finally finished it! [Chuckles]

This is why we flush our hamsters.

I can't right now.

Uh, something's wrong with Eddie.

He's depressed. He won't eat.

He won't listen to me.

I don't know what to do.

I even bought this parenting book.

"Advanced chess strategy."

The forward was written by a computer.

Well, Eddie's upset because of Nicole.

Ever since she started hanging out with that new kid, Chris.

How do you know that?

Because I talked to her... as a friend.

I mean, I know your policy on children friends, but maybe that's what Eddie needs right now.

He has friends.

He has Dave, uh, the scrawny one...

Big red.

Jessica, you can't fix this.

What Eddie needs from you right now is just to know that he's not the first person to go through it.

[Alarm clock ringing]

[Ringing stops]

I thought you might like this alarm clock better.

The lazy dog tells you when to get up.

[Sighs] It doesn't matter.

[Sighs]

You know, I once had my heart broken, too.

When Oscar Chow dumped me in college...

I was devastated.

I thought I would never feel happy again.

I lost weight. My grades suffered.

I cut my hair.

It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

How did you get over it?

I realized that...

Life is a lot like chess.

You can't win every game.

But you also can't give up when you lose.

You know, if Oscar Chow hadn't dumped me, I never would have met your father.

And I wouldn't be here.

Exactly.

And that would be tragic.

Like the 2,000 marching-band scholarships that go unclaimed every year!

[Sighs] Non... Stop!

[Chuckles]

Louis, I found more calendars in the garbage.

Yeah, I threw them out. I changed my mind.

We don't need another baby.

What made you change your mind?

I overheard you talking to Eddie, and it made me think... if I had a daughter and she had her heart broken, I'd hunt the boy down who did it and m*rder him.

You were right. I don't want a teenage girl.

Checkmate.

[School bell rings]

[Indistinct conversations]

[As beavis] I am Cornholio!

[Laughs]

[Piccolo playing "Nuthin' but a 'g' thang"]

["Nuthin' but a 'g' thang" continues]

[Dr. Dre's "Nuthin' but a 'g' thang" plays]

♪ 1, 2, 3 and to the 4 ♪
♪ Snoop doggy dogg and Dr. Dre is at the door ♪
♪ Ready to make an entrance, so back on up ♪

And that's why I always play monopoly... as the boot.

Nicole: Hey.

Why isn't Nicole sitting with us?

I don't think she's gonna be sitting with us anymore, guys.

But I'm wearing a kilt.

Do you understand?! I'm not wearing pants!

Well, gentlemen...

[Dramatic music plays]

It's been a pleasure seeing you.