02x05 - Miracle on Dead Street

Amazing, right?

I printed up new flyers for our investment property.

Honey and I signing off on the final house renovation today.

Thanks to the money you gave us.

I bought our Halloween costumes!

It's B.A. Baracus from "The A-Team."

Mr. T.

The black guy.

Oh. Well, you could just say that, then.

And you can be...

Mrs. T.

What the heck is that?

It's a bow-hawk.

Why don't we see what it looks...

No. don't you dare. I never dress up for Halloween.

Why would this year be any different?

Because it's our first one in the suburbs.

Don't you want to experience the one thing white peop do better than us?

Begging for candy in a disguise to hide your shame?

No, thank you.

I think you just need to see this bad boy in action.

[Chuckles]

Man, I wouldn't fight me.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

S02E05
Miracle on Dead Street

♪ fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I fresh off the boat ♪

Trent: We start on Pickwick Road.

Those houses always come strong with jawbreakers and fun dip.

Then, we're on to the chocolate factory of Forest Avenue.

All-day milky way.

Eddie: I can't wait.

I want to be knee-deep in candy by the end of the night.

I mean, like, for real... that's what I want.

Didn't your family celebrate Halloween in D.C.?

Yeah, but it was a little different in Chinatown.

Together: Trick-or-treat!

I saw our bucket on her fire escape a week later.

She planted aloe vera in it.

Let's talk costumes.

Since there's a group of us, I think it's pretty obvious who we should dress as... the greatest supergroup of all time.

The traveling Wilburys.

Nope.

Who?

Is that K.D. Lang?

"Is that K.D."... guys!

Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Tom Petty, Roy Orbison, Jeff freakin' Lynne!

I mean, there's five of them and five of us. It can't miss.

Yeah...

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do my own thing for Halloween.

Oh. And is your thing a triple-platinum record?

Because the Wilburys already did that.

Nah! I'm going as Humpty Hump from the digital underground.

Okay.

I love Burger King bathrooms!

You and your guys did such a good job, Jerry.

[Laughs] [Sighs]

We spent a lot of money on this renovation, but it was worth it... especially the ceiling fan in the bedroom.

I will admit, once again, how right I was about that.

I also suggest spraying for termites before you list the house.

This is the guy I'd recommend.

Right, okay. "Termites."

I'm not spending more money to spray for magical bugs that eat wood.

I assure you, termites are r... looks like some termites just got into your business card.

You could've just handed that back.

All right, then, I guess the only thing left is for you to sign off on the final paperwork.

Let me just go get it from my...

Truck.

[Jessica and honey squeal, laugh]

Well, get it.

I can't right now.

[Eerie music plays]

Teen boys... across the street.

[Music continues]

[Laughter]

Nice walk!

[Laughter]

Hey! Hey! Nice neck!

Oh! [Laughter]

There's just something about a group of teen boys.

They can target your exact insecurities and attack you where you're most vulnerable.

You're worried about your hairline.

Don't worry. Most women don't care as much as you think.

Why would you say that?

This is crazy.

There's nothing scary about a group of sitting boys.

I'll go get the paperwork myself.

Hey.

Nice pants!

[Laughter]

Hey!

Shut your mouth!

Nobody cares what you have to say!

That's how you do it.

[Laughs]

Look, I may not have a full head of hair, but I got a full t*nk of gas, and I'd love to take you to my Uncle's bar.

Oh.

Emery, Evan, need a hand, please.

[Grunts]

That's how you blast your biceps, Louis.

[Grunts]

Real-world strength.

Dad? What did you do?

I made the world my gym.

No. Why'd you buy all this Halloween stuff?

We live on a dead street.

Dead street?

Ooh! Sounds scary. [Chuckles]

No, dead... like no one trick-or-treats in our cul-de-sac.

All the action is two blocks over, on Highland Avenue.

How do you know this?

The homeowners association.

We're meeting tonight to discuss how early we should all turn off our porch lights and head over.

They're just gonna abandon our street?

On the best suburban holiday of the year?

I've been looking forward to this ever since we moved out of the city.

Louis: Hey!

Who wants candy all night!?

Aaah! Aah!

Rock 'n' roll!

Aah! [Chuckles]

[Rapid footsteps]

I need to speak at the homeowners meeting.

Evan, put me on the agenda.

The day of?

[Groans]

I'll try my best.

Looks like we can finally list the house next week.

The decor looks beautiful, Honey.

Thank you!

Nothing brightens up a home like a bowl of fake fruit.

I but a chiquita sticker on the banana to help sell the illusion.

[Chuckling] Nice.

Oh, what's that?

Somebody drew something in the dust on my car.

[Gasps]

It's a rocket ship.

Somebody is excited this neighborhood is about to take off.

I don't in that's a rocket.

Of course it is. It's blasting out of two smoke clouds.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that drawing is something much more... genital.

What?! No way! It's a rocket ship!

It's clearly squirting fuel out of the top of...

You know what? I see it. I see it now.

Mm-hmm.

Jordy: Hey!

[Eerie music plays]

Nice car!

[Laughter]

Time for some smacks.

Oh! Jessica! No, no, no, no, no!

You can't do that!

This is happening, honey.

This is not happening!

Ohh!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

No! Give me that shoe!

Aaaah! What are you doing?!

Okay!

I'm okay.

Okay.

I'm okay. I just...

Okay.

I just need to find my pepper spray!

Jessica, stand down!

Stand down!

I'm gonna get pepper in your eyes!

No, you're not!

Stop it! No, no, no! No!

Tic tacs to the face!

Tic tacs in your face!

We're done. We're done, we're done, we're done.

All right. Okay.

Nice temper!

[Laughter]

Hey, just wait till Halloween night, when we egg your house!

Yeah, how do you like your eggs, by the way... thrown?

All: [Laughing] Ohhhh!

[Panting]

[Horn blares]

Go around!

You'd like us to arrest a group of teenage boys who plan to egg your investment property on Halloween?

Correct. I am willing to pay for the maximum punishment, please.

That's not how the law works.

This police force is worthless!

Oh, come on. It's Halloween!

Kids play silly pranks every year.

Is Officer Bryson here?

He's a family friend, and he'll take this seriously.

Bryson.

Did my bow staff arrive?

Oh. Hey, Jessica.

You psyched for Halloween?

They let me out of the sewers.

So, as predicted, our community garden was ransacked by squirrels.

I urge us to replant with the defensive countermeasures I suggested the first time.

An owl?

Yes, Deidre... an owl.

They are ruthless and precise, vigilant and wise, mother nature's top...

Ladies, ladies, please.

Let's move on to new business.

[Clears throat]

I know this is unexpected, but I'd like to introduce a speaker who's not on the agenda... my dad.

[Coughing] Nepotism!

[Pen clicks]

Strike Alice's comment from the record.

Dad, the floor is yours.

Uh, thank you.

Um... I, uh, had a big speech prepared, but since it's about Halloween, I'd rather speak from the heart.

Now, I realize Highland Avenue is the gold standard in the area.

But I believe that we should reject our past image as a dead street and build a Halloween destination of our own.

Half the people who live on Highland Avenue are Disney imagineers.

Halloween is their super bowl.

Mm-hmm.

Woman: Right.

[Sighs]

Look, Halloween isn't about a bunch of imagineers spending a ton of money.

No.

It's about the one day a year when you can lose yourself a-a-a-a-and... and create a whole new identity.

It's a chance to forget that we're a lower-middle-class neighborhood living under the flight path of the Orlando airport and trick people...

[chuckles]

Trick people... into thinking we're a scary, upper-middle-class neighborhood that people would want to visit and get candy from!

Ladies, if we build it, they will come!

Ohhh!

If we build it...

They will most definitely come.

[All cheering]

Did you get that last part from "Field of Dreams"?

Greatest Halloween movie ever.

That movie is about baseball players.

Ghost baseball players.

Hmm.

I'll allow it.

[Pen clicks]

Hey. Where's your lunch?

We're not eating before Halloween tonight.

Our candy bags aren't that big, so we're making extra room in our internal candy bags.

I remember what it was like to go trick-or-treating.

You don't trick-or-treat?

No.

I might've been held back a year, but my friends are in high school now.

We're gonna spend Halloween hanging in the park and seeing if anyone can buy us booze.

She's so cool!

I bet she drinks zima.

I thought we were coming to school in our costumes.

[As the mask] Somebody shoulda stopped me!

[Groans]

Louis: All right, people.

We got five hours before the first toddler wave hits.

We can do this! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[Theme from "The A-Team" plays]


Oh, yikes! Terrifying spider, buddy.

Thanks!

You know, it reminds me of the web of lies I told my ex-wife before the divorce.

[Laughs]

[Chuckles]

That guy.

[Boys talking, laughing]

Hello, disrespectful boys.

I just bought all the eggs from every store in the neighborhood, so unless you're friends with a bionic chicken, it's over.

You think we throw fresh eggs?

We bought our supply weeks ago.

They're nice and rotten by now.

Then what are you even here for?!

Neosporin.

Jordy scraped his knee picking up his skateboard.

Infections are no joke.

Don't you ever ride those skateboards?

Nice question!

[Laughter]

Eddie, where's your costume?

[Snaps fingers] Ross Perot.

I'm Humpty Hump. You know?

Shock g's alter ego from the digital underground?

Yyyes.

Have you seen your brothers?

[Eerie music plays]

Oh! [Chuckles]

Ooh! U.P.S. delivery lamb.

Nice costume, Emery.

You too, Evan... a lazy goalie.

Scary... for your teammates.

[Chuckles]

We're obviously "Silence of the Lambs."

We knew he wouldn't get it.

We talked about that. Remember?

Come on, everybody! We're leaving!

Word, mommy! It's candy time!

No. We all need to go to the investment property.

What?!

No way!

No way!

[Doorbell rings]

Hey, Eddie.

Uh-oh. We got another ninja, Trent.

Who wore it best?

I'm not wearing a costume.

Ready to go, Eddie?

Go ahead, Eddie.

Have a great Halloween with your friends.

Yes!

And take your brothers with you.

Awwwwww!

Yay!

Yay!

Go on. Deliver that goalie.

[Chuckling] There you go.

[Door closes]

Louis, what are you doing?

We have to go to the investment property.

It's about to be attacked.

Attacked? By who?

A group of tn boys are going to egg it.

[Chuckles] Oh, that's no big deal.

That's just some fright night tomfoolery.

Do you want to be buried and dead?

Because that's what we'll be if I have to repair a house that I just fixed up!

It's just a silly prank.

Whatever those teenagers do tonight, we'll clean up tomorrow.

This is why I hate Halloween.

People use it as an excuse for bad behavior.

You know what? Fine. I'll just...

I'll go defend the house myself.

Oh, come o...

[sighs]

Jessi...

[door closes]

This year, Halloween fell on a weekend ♪
♪ Me and geto boys are trick-or-treatin' ♪
♪ Robbin' little kids for bags ♪
♪ Till an old man got behind our ass ♪
♪ My mind is playin' tricks on me ♪

Trick or treat!

Trick or treat!

Where's Waldo? Uh, where's my candy?

Right here!

[Laughs]

Ooh. Ooh.

[Rattling] ♪ Where in the world is Diego San Francisco? ♪

[Chuckles]

It's "Carmen San Diego."

What is?

[Chuckles]

It's been a couple of hours.

Maybe they're not coming.

Oh, they're coming. I can feel it.

[Scoffs]

Aren't you embarrassed?

A grown woman dressed as a pig?

I'm Miss Piggy.

Kermit's girlfriend?

Pigs don't date.

Pigs feed a crowd at a reasonable price.

[Horn honks]

Hi-ho! Kermit the frog here!

Oh, look at that!

Oh, even though your husband is dressed like a lizard, he came to help us.

Oh, he's actually here to pick me up.

We're going to a party at the Millers'.

We RSVP'd months ago. I'm sorry.

Honey, we invested money in this house! don't you care?

I do care!

It's just... It's Halloween.

[Chuckles]

I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me.

I still love you a lot.

I'm gonna kiss that frog!

I'm gonna kiss that pig!

Kiss her on her little snout. [Giggles]

If that's how they keep their marriage fresh, no, thank you.

Oh! don't sit on my banjo.

Ha! I would never.

[Laughs]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Sighs] This is great.

[Chuckles]

[Theme from "The A-Team" plays slowly]

[Evil laughter]

This is so dope.

I have at least six full-size candy bars in here.

How come I keep getting stuck with mini boxes of raisins?

Maybe people want to nurse you back to health 'cause you're a seasick gangster.

Seriously? How do you not know who I am?

I know who you are... Jazz Gumby.

[Tires screech]

Boys, get in the car. We need to go help your mother.

But we're still trick-or-treating!

I want to be up to my knees in candy.

I'm not even up to my ankles yet.

Listen to me.

There are two sides to Halloween.

One is filled with cute costumes and candy, and the other is built on chaos and mayhem.

Walter: Okay.

Who's interested in some mayhem?

[Exhales sharply] Okay.

Jessica, you can do this.

All is fair on Halloween.

I could do a high stick to the face.

[Tapping]

I catch the egg, I hose them down.

I catch the egg.

[Grunting]

[Tires screech]

This is it.

[Theme from "The A-Team" plays]

My family!

They came!

Mom! We're here! We're gonna save you!

[Tires screech]

[Louis sighs]

Little early with the door, Dave!

What are you all doing here?

Well, we planned to help you fight off those teen boys, but that plan has since been ruined.

I'm sorry. My yardstick got caught in the handle.

Jeff friggin' Lynne.

[Sighs]

I thought you wanted to celebrate Halloween.

I did. [Chuckles]

And it was everything I hoped for... trick-or-treaters, decorations everywhere.

But one person was missing...

Mrs. T.

Who is Mrs. T?

You. Remember?

The wig I bought you with the bow?

No.

But it doesn't matter, because I'm glad you came.

It means a lot.

[Chuckles]

[As Mr. T] I pity the fools who come after my wife!

I hate this holiday.

Uh, dad, those teenagers are still coming, and all our eggs are broken.

What are we gonna do?

[Normal voice] We need to figure out a way to scare those punks so badly, they'll never come back.

What scares teenage boys?

I know.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

♪ Look out ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ No doubt, we show no mercy ♪

Dan: Looks like the whole family came to see the show.

Happy Halloween, lady!

[Laughter]

Nicole: Nice costume.

[Eerie music plays]

Who said that?

I did.

The scariest thing to a teenage boy is a teenage girl.

What are you girls, uh, dressed as?

Dot worry about it.

What are you tampons dressed as?

Um, actually, we're from a movie.

Who's this chimin'-in bitch?

You scrotes think you're flowing anyone with those clip-on ties?

It's not a clip...

These panty stains lying to us now?

Drop the eggs, losers.

If I hear about any of you 'ginas coming around this house again, me and my girls are gonna come to your school and tell everyone how you have tiny, little... rocket ships.

None of this is worth it.

Ohh!

Leave him!

Nice fall!

Nice throw.

How can I thank you girls?

Wouldn't object if you hooked us up with some zimas.

She's kidding! She's joking. [Chuckles nervously]

Thanks for leaving the park to come help us out.

No worries. We live for this stuff.

See you tomorrow at school.

Better save me some lemonheads.

Well? What are you standing around for?

It's Halloween! Let's go trick-or-treating!

Really?!

Fine. Let's just go home.

No! Trick-or-treating! Let's go!

[All cheering]

All right!

Hey! Someone needs to wheel me!

Now I know how grandma feels.

This... feels... amazing!

You know, if you eat all that candy, you're gonna get sick.

Then I'll take medicine.

[Grunts]

It's cool you chose Mr. T as your costume, dad.

Did you know his hairstyle actual honor his african heritage.

Someone wrote a paper.

I read it on Snapple lid.

This is as far as I go.

Well, this Halloween turned out great.

We no longer live on a dead street.

The kids had fun.

My feather earring stayed in.

And the investment house is safe.