02x07 - The Big 1-2

[bunniefuu]

Louis: Oh, what's going on in my house?

Is it a birthday party?

[Chuckles] Oh. There he...

Uh, ma.

There he is... The birthday boy!

Mom, this isn't a "Star Wars" cake.

Yes, it is.

That's the "Star Wars" bear.

What? No. You mean Chewbacca?

No, no, that's not a good name.

That's... It's too Greek.

You know, I knew a Greek bear once.

You're right, Louis. I am good at throwing parties.

Uh, I didn't say anything Look at the pinata.

It's in great shape.

No one can tell we've used it since Eddie was 2.

This year, I filled it with cereal.

[Tape ripping]

Oh. Uh-oh.

No, Ma, get...

Hey, boys, say hi to...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

How much wrapping paper did you guys use?

The perfect amount.

I don't like it when the ends get bunchy.

We got him pogs.

I told you all about them when we were getting our hair cut, remember?

Uh, mm-hmm.

Hey. Okay, no light swords in the house!

Ow! [Body thuds]

Oh, my goodness! Louis! Oh. [Groans]

Is the camera okay?

I fell on a hot wheel.

Eddie: Before we start yelling, just remember, the force works in mysterious ways.

Ma!

S02E07
The Big 1-2

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Eddie's birthday is next week.

It's time to start repairing the decorations.

Mm, I think it's finally time we send him to the big fiesta in the sky.

Okay, I'll rip the head off and use it as a planter.

[Door closes] [Sighs]

Well, here I am, home from Trent's early.

All the other guys are still there, unrolling their sleeping bags, but not me.

Because my mom won't let me do the sleepover part of a sleepover.

You will thank me when you don't get pedophiled.

Are those the birthday-party decorations?

I wanted to talk to you guys about that.

I bet you did.

Just because we're living in the suburbs now doesn't mean you get some big, fancy birthday party.

No bowling alleys, no pizza parties with a rat.

Please.

I don't want a party this year.

Really?

What?

I'm turning 12. I'm almost a teenager.

I just want to have a chill, regular day, hang out with my friends at the mall.

So no party at all?

No party.

No cake? No singing? No presents?

Yes presents... cash only, but I will accept gold.

Respect.

You don't even want birthday noodles?

It's okay, mom.

I know they take you so long to make.

No need to do anything special.

Okay. If that's what you want.

It is.

I'm glad we did this.

Thank you.

So, how do we feel about this?

I guess if he doesn't want a party...

It does save me a trip to pinata town.

And we'll have a free Saturday.

We can go to work.

I haven't gotten to work on a Saturday in years!

[Birds chirping]

Both: It's today!

Let's carry Eddie's present down together.

Happy Birthday...

Thanks, man. Is that cash?

Where are all the streamers and scallion pancakes and birthday hats?

We're not doing a party this year.

Eddie said he didn't want one.

So we're just gonna let him be 11 forever?

That's not how it works. You know that, right?

Aah!

Why didn't you tell us there was no party?

Because we're your parents.

We don't have to tell you things.

You have to tell us things. Plus, I forgot.

I'm gonna head to the mall. See you, guys.

Remember, no gyros from the food court.

I don't trust meat without bones.

Well, I'm gonna head to work.

Mitch called in sick, and Nancy refuses to marry the ketchups...

Because of her religion.

[Sniffing]

I don't smell any poison.

The termite guy said we wouldn't smell anything.

An odorless gas for a bug you can't see?

Smart scam.

I thought you weren't gonna come today because you were busy celebrating Eddie's birthday.

Eddie said he didn't want a birthday party this year.

Jessica.

Do you really think Eddie doesn't want a party?

That's what he said.

Last year, Nicole said that she wanted to eat tater tots and watch TV for her birthday.

So that's what we did, and she cried for a week.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

So, this year, I showed up with horses, and we rode them to the olive garden.

Oh, quick, Jessica, grab onto me before I float away!

Just let go of a few!

You're in control! They are not in control!

No, no, it's... I... I was just joking.

[Sighs] I wouldn't joke about that, Louis.

I saw that happen to a French boy in a documentary.

Flew right into the sun.

Come on. Let's go find Eddie.

To be honest, I was a little disappointed he didn't want to celebrate his birthday.

I miss how serious he looks when he makes a wish.

It is special when he concentrates.

So, we'll go in, we'll find Eddie and his friends, pick up a cake, go to pinata town, then we'll all go home, and I'll make everybody birthday noodles.

For our new pinata, I'm thinking frog with some kind of a hat.

[Gasps] Look! There they are.

[Laughter]

Are those party hats?

I don't think so.

Is that a birthday cake?

I don't think so.

Louis, his friends threw him a surprise birthday party.

[Glass clinking]

I'd like to thank you all for rsvp'ing to my birthday party in a timely manner so that way, I could secure the patio.

Yeah! Whoo!

Um, I guess he just wanted to celebrate with his friends.

No adults.

What's up?! What's up?!

Hey!

Mitch, you came!

I wouldn't miss your dirty dozen.

You ask for Mitch, you get Mitch!

All right!

Yeah! Let's get this party started!

You know, I've been thinking, we're such good kids that mom and dad forget about us.

That's why they didn't tell us that they cancelled Eddie's party.

I'm sick of being a good boy.

[Gasps]

I'm sorry, Can-Do.

Why do I always hurt the ones I love?

Maybe we should start being bad.

Get some attention. It works for Eddie.

Yeah! Let's ask mom if it's okay.

[Sighs]

Usher: Thank you. Enjoy the movie.

Do you remember where we parked the car?

No, I was too busy doing my taxes.

I've been thinking about the w*r I was in.

Two adults for "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls," rated PG-13.

Theatre 3.

To your left-

Thank you, son. Stay off dr*gs.

And then we walked into foot locker, and we looked at the new air Jordans for a while.

Brian tried to touch them, but they wouldn't let him.

Mm. That was it.

Sounds pretty "chill."

'Twas, 'twas.

Evan and I saw a movie today.

A PG-13 movie.

Pass the beans.

It was unsuitable for ages under 13.

Jim Carrey came out of a rhino's butthole.

Here it comes.

We saw you, Eddie!

What?!

What?!

We saw you today at the mall, with your cakes and your party hats!

Your reservation on the patio.

And why was Mitch there? I made Mitch!

You guys spied on my party?!

Oh, so you did want a party!

You just didn't want to have it with us.

You're embarrassed of us, you and Mitch.

I'm not embarrassed!

We would have been happy to host your friends here.

It's just different when you're around.

Oh, but not when Mitch is around?

Enough with Mitch. It's getting weird.

I just wanted to spend my birthday with people who I can be myself with.

What are you talking about?

You're yourself with us, with the rap music and the sleeping.

See?

You guys have this idea of me, but I'm more than just that.

Well, how are you different around your friends?

I don't know. I'm just different.

I'm, like, smart and funny and athletic and...

And generous!

Well, I would love to know smart, sporty, hilarious Eddie.

Be that way at home, then!

I can't.

There's so many rules around here, I can never relax!

Do the dishes, turn your music down, don't own a lizard!

I'm never gonna be good enough like Emery and Evan.

Just...

I don't understand.

You only have one self. I am always myself.

It doesn't matter where I am.

I don't understand what he's saying, either.

I'm not so good. Would a good kid do this?

Shirt boobs.

Hello? React! This is not okay!

You think Eddie's right, don't you?

You think we're too strict.

I think we're good parents.

But he's getting older, and I think it wouldn't hurt to relax our rules a little.

Our rules are there for a reason.

It's our job to protect him-

But if we keep trying to control everything he does, we're going to drive him away.

This is the only way I know how to be.

Well, you can still be you, just... a little less.

Look, if we don't adjust, he won't want to spend any days with us, let alone his birthday.

[Sighs]

I liked you better when you were worried about Mitch.

I don't understand when Eddie and him became friends, though!

They've talked like three times!

We have to up our game.

Go... Go... Power Rangers.

♪ Slam ♪
♪ Da duh duh, da duh duh ♪
♪ Let the boys be boys ♪
♪ Slam ♪
♪ Da duh duh, da duh duh ♪
♪ Make noise, b-boys ♪
♪ Well, it's another one ♪
♪ In the gutter ♪
♪ Ghetto runnin' 'em ♪
♪ Troublesome, extra double dumb ♪
♪ I come to b*at 'em, defeat 'em, and mistreat 'em ♪
♪ So what if that I'm cheatin'? ♪
♪ Now everybody wanna sound grimey ♪
♪ Yeah, I know ♪
♪ I'ma show you how ♪
♪ Come on, all in together now ♪
♪ Yeah, ooh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ That's how we got to make a million children slam ♪
♪ Slam ♪
♪ Slam ♪
♪ Da duh duh, da duh duh ♪
♪ Let the boys be boys ♪
♪ Slam ♪
♪ Da duh duh, da duh duh ♪
♪ Make noise, b-boys ♪
♪ Slam ♪
♪ Da duh duh, da duh duh ♪
♪ Let the boys be boys ♪
♪ Slam ♪
♪ Da duh duh, da duh duh ♪
♪ Make noise, b-boys ♪
♪ Slam ♪

[Door opens]

What's up, Jessica?

Is Eddie in the kitchen?

[Sighs] It's like we're ghosts.

Jessica: Toast? That looks boring.

How about pop-tarts instead?

You said you wouldn't buy those because preservatives make you go blind.

I lied.

I have one every day after you go to school.

Is this a trap?

Are you guys gonna wait for me to eat them and then get mad at me?

It's not a trap.

You have to heat it up.

However you want to eat it is fine.

Be yourself.

What's going on? Are you guys getting a divorce?

Your mom and I were talking about what you said, and we're going to lighten up on the rules a little.

Can I stop wearing underwear?

Great question.

No. We are not poets.

But your father and I talked about it, and the next time there is a sleepover... you can go.

For real?

Yes.

When the time comes, we can talk about...

I have an open invite at Dave's! I will go tonight.

No. I don't trust Dave.

His own father doesn't want to sleep there.

Why would you?

Jessica.

Fine.

You can sleep over at Dave's.

But I'm coming, too.

Jessica.

Fine.

I will just stand outside and look in the window.

Jessica.

Louis.

Have fun at the sleepover.

I will.

You remembered your toothbrush?

Yes, I remembered myoothbrush.

I packed you a snack.

There's gonna be food ther keep your sneakers close to you.

If you sense any danger, you run.

You run right back here to me.

He'll just be three houses down.

He's gonna be fine.

Have a great time, son.

I will.

See ya!

How long are you gonna do that for?

Until he comes home.

[Doorbell rings, knock on door]

Hey, dude. Come on in.

Come on in. I just cracked you a cold one.

Nice! Can I get a cup?

You've got one. It's attached to your face.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Dude, my mom doesn't care. She's cool.

Yes, yes. He just got here, Jessica.

Jessica: Are you looking at him?

Yes, I'm looking at him right now.

He needs vitamins before bed.

Okay. Watch him take them.

I'll be sure he takes his vitamins before bed.

He'll try to put them under his...

Okay, bye!

[Telephone beeps]

[Chuckles] Don't worry. I'm not gonna make you do that.

Wow. Thanks, Mrs. Selby.

[Dog barks]

You have a dog?!

Yeah, my mom just found him on the bus.

We named him Banjo.

After the best instrument.

How about this instrument?

[Burps loudly]

Yes!

Nice one! Mm! Hoo-hoo!

If this doesn't get their attention, nothing will.

Once we run away, they'll really be sorry.

We'll get so far from this place, they'll never be able to find us.

Let's go to Denver.

I heard their cheesesteaks are amazing. Huh.

Jessica, it's not a good time.

There's been a death in the family.

I won't disturb you. Take all the time you need.

I just want to see if I could see my son at Dave's house through your living-room window.

Oh, that's terrible.

That's... That's terrible.

How's Barb? Is she holding up?

Honey, do you have a stool?

Uh...

Uh-huh.

No.

No, don't say that. He loved you very much.

Don't b*at yourself up.

Is my wife here?

Honey, do you have any barbecue chips?

Jessica, what are you doing?

You were going to loosen the reins, remember?

I'm just making sure he's okay.

He's never gonna know.

Uh-huh. Yes.

Yeah, we can definitely pick sue and Donna up from the airport.

Whatever's easiest for you.

Eclipse! [Gasps]

Oh.

Oh.

Light swords in the house.

Looks like he's having fun.

Well, that's good, right? That's what we wanted.

Right.

Hey. [Chuckles] I'm sorry I'm late.

I knocked back a few too many vodka lemonades.

[Giggles]

Your brother's dead.

And the Huangs are here.

[Video game music playing]

[Grunting]

End it.

[Sighs]

Fatality.

Dude, you just ripped my spine out of my back.

Watch. I'm gonna play it like a saxophone.

[Saxophone plays]

I'd never be able to play this game at home.

Okay, fellas, pause the game.

Pause, pause, pause. Who's hungry?

Whoa.

That cereal is made of little cookies!

But wait. Aren't we gonna spoil our dinner?

Dude, this is our dinner.

I love the way you live.

Thanks, mom.

You're welcome.

Here's your tip. [Farts]

Oh! [Laughs] You got me!

27-25, you!

[Gasps, laughs]

Not for long, though. Mama's got one brewing.

O-kay.

[Clattering]

[Dog barking in distance]

Head back in?

Yep.

Mm.

Dog hair everywhere.

So soft, right? It's Banjo's belly hair.

Dude, you're getting ice cream on my pillow!

Just rub it in.

[Scoffs]

Bro, it's, like, midnight.

And my stomach's still shredded from all that tiny cookie cereal.

[Knock on door]

Lights out, boys. Time for bed.

Okay.

I don't want wanna go to bed.

Go to bed, damnit.

I hate you!

I hate you back!

I wish you were dead!

Oh, put it on your Christmas wish list!

Ugh!

That was intense.

Ah, we do that every night. No big deal.

Now she's gonna go put on some Whitney Houston, dance alone in her room for an hour, then go to bed.

If I talked to my mom that way, she'd k*ll me.

Really?

Yeah.

Like, I'd be like, "I don't want to," and then I would be k*lled.

Well, it is pretty weird in your house.

What do you mean?

Well, there's so many rules over there.

You have to eat dinner at the table every night, you have to do your chores, you can't have a lizard.

That's not weird. Your house is weird.

What's weird about my house?

Dude, you fart on your mom!

Whatever.

Night, man.

[Sighs]

♪ I get so emotional, baby ♪

Christa: Whoo!

♪ Every time I think of you ♪

[Exhales deeply]

♪ I get so emo... ♪

[Knock on door]

Eddie? [Gasps]

Louis, wake up! Eddie's home!

I'm awake. Everything all right?

Yeah, it's fine. I don't know.

I just wanted to come home. Is that okay?

Of course it is. I'm just surprised.

I-I thought you would have fun at Dave's.

I did. And then... I didn't.

[Sighs] I like being with my friends, but I like being at home, too.

Do you want me to make you birthday noodles?

Sure.

Doesn't that take like six hours?

It is for my son.

Emery: Are those Eddie's birthday noodles?

But it's not even his birthday anymore.

What are you doing up so late?

It's way past your bedtime. You two are grounded.

Both: Yay!

Wait. Where are you going?

It took me six hours to make these noodles.

Noodles, then bed, then grounded.

Eddie: I don't know what I missed more...

Your noodles or your rules.

Chew with your mouth closed.

Noodles, definitely.

So I said, "ma'am, you can stay, but your dog's got to go."

[Both laugh]

When did you guys become friends?

What?

Well, we were in the service together.

What are you talking about?

The table service.

You know, during the fajita craze?

Once a fajita man, always a fajita man.

[Both imitate sizzling]

See this?

Got me right there.

That's nothing.

Chicken beef combo. Extra oil.

Look at this scar.

An old man with dementia staped me on the street.