02x09 - We Done Son

[bunniefuu]

Ah, I need to go on a diet.

I feel like a sausage in my jeans.

Please. I can't even tell you've had three kids.

You can't, right?

No.

Oh, I was reading about this new cabbage-soup diet.

Oh! [Timer dings]

Oh, friend time over. Time for business meeting.

Bette Midler.

Barbara Hershey.

Okay.

After some setbacks, we're ready to put our investment property on the market!

Yay!

Yes!

I'm excited!

I know!

So I just picked these up from the printer for our open house on Tuesday.

We look like a band of nurses.

[Scoffs] We look hot.

Oh, that reminds me...

You know how people always have cookies at open houses?

Well, I was thinking we should have mini quiches and bacon instead.

Ah, but that sounds expensive.

You know what? Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, we'll just put that in the future file.

Yes.

And the next thing is, oh, I was reading about these team-building workshops that companies do for morale and problem-solving...

Honey, I appreciate your initiative, but I don't think we have the money for nonessentials right now.

Okay. That makes sense.

Then there's just one more item of business to discuss.

Um, I noticed in our monthly expenses, we spent $500 on something called "madame x-ing"?

Oh, that's pronounced Madame Xing.

She's my fortune teller.

What?

We need her. We can't sell the house without her.

Now, how much extra was it to print these fliers in color?

S02E09
We Done Son

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Sorry, what is this fortune teller?

I don't know how to explain it to you if you can't get it from the title.

She tells fortunes.

Why is she on our payroll?

I've never made an important decision in my life without consulting Madame Xing.

Should I marry Louis?

Should I get matching bangs?

Should I give up secretly wanting to be a ventriloquist?

So, what'd she say?

Madame Xing was right...

The puppet theater boom never came.

I'm sorry.

I just can't wrap my head around us spending $500 a month on a fortune teller.

It's just part of our culture.

Consulting with a fortune teller is something a lot of Chinese people do, like using the dishwasher as a drying rack, or not saying "please."

Here it comes, Trent.

No shame in being b*at by a girl.

I'm secure like that.

Strike!

We all know it's a strike, Brian!

I better get home, guys.

See you Saturday, Eddie.

See ya.

Saturday is her birthday.

What are you gonna get her?

Ladies love haikus.

Clever crafted word parties.

Ladies love haikus.

Nah, son. I'm trying to impress my woman, not depress my woman.

Why don't you get her a tube top from the Delia's catalogue?

I've got something even classier in mind.

Nice. Does it open, and can you put a little picture inside?

No, ma... Why you got to point out what the necklace don't do?

It's just a beautiful necklace.

It better be for $49.99.

How are you gonna pay for that?

Oh, I got the loot.

I'm really good at saving.

$5?!

[Sighs] Barry's coming?

Only for a few days.

He's got business in Orlando.

I haven't seen him in years.

Right, ever since you gave him money for that vitamin business.

I told you nobody wanted vitamin "L."

Vitamin Luscious was before its time.

He's a leech, Louis.

Like a barnacle.

Or a leech.

Well, he's not perfect, but he means well.

And he's always liked you.

Remember, he brought you that nice basket of fruit the last time he visited?

He gave me seven bananas in a babygap shopping bag.

Dad, can I start working at the restaurant again?

Of course.

And get paid?!

Nope.

With all the delays in your mom's investment property sale, money's tight right now.

If you really need money, I saw a "help wanted" sign on the bulletin board at the country club.

Ooh, some ladies need assistance putting lotion on by the pool?

It's a family new to the neighborhood, and they have a baby and need help around the house.

Do I get to put l...

No. No ladies need lotion.

[Sighs]

[Doorbell rings]

DMX?!

I prefer to be called Earl when I'm holding my baby.

Honey, I can't wait for you to talk to Madame Xing yourself and see how important she is to our business.

Well, I always like to keep an open mind.

Like the first time I heard about cream cheese, I was like, "blech!"

Now, I'm all, "mmm, mmm, mmm!

Can I get some bagel with my cream cheese?

You know what I'm saying?"

It's tasty.

[Telephone rings]

Wei?

Madame Xing, it's Jessica.

I'm here with my business partner, who I told you about.

Ah, yes. The skeptic.

You have to ask Madame Xing a question that you want the answer to.

Okay.

Um, will the dolphins make the playoffs?

You should stop watching football.

It's not good for your heart.

Heart disease runs in my family.

How did you know that?

You just got Xing'd.

Okay, now that Honey believes, we can move on to business.

We're putting the house on the market next Tuesday, and I...

No. Don't put the house on the market for three months.

There's darkness that needs to be cleansed.

Okay.

Okay?

And don't bet on the dolphins.

Not with that secondary.

[Click, dial tone]

Oh, it is so lucky we called her.

We need to change the open-house date on the fliers.

You can't be serious.

You heard Madame Xing.

You don't take any of my suggestions, but this fortune teller makes one crazy statement, and you do it, no questions asked?

I value her opinion.

And she values your money.

500 bucks a month so she can tell us about darkness, but mini quiches and a seminar are wasteful?

Don't blame me just because your ideas are bad.

You think you're so smart, Jessica, but you're really just a sucker.

Thank you for being honest.

Now allow me to be honest. It's over.

What is?

Everything... our friendship, the business, book club, the sandwich punch card we share... done-zo.

Oh my god.

Dmx!

Dark Man X!

You look older in person.

Fatherhood ages you.

I'm tired.

Emotional.

Crying. Yelling!

All at the same cotton commercial.

It's the fabric of our lives, G.

[Genesis coos]

Man, I can't wait to tell all my friends!

Sorry, little man.

I can't have you blowing up my spot.

I'm gonna need you to sign and initial this nondisclosure agreement.

It's the same one Oprah used on Stedman.

So... I can't tell anyone I'm working for you?

Nope.

Oh.

So, what do you want me to do?

Babyproof the living room, blend some peas for Genesis, and make sure to put lavender drops in her cloth diapers.

Why don't you just use disposable diapers?

'Cause I ain't trying to leave some big-ass carbon footprint.

I hope the couch is gonna be okay.

Aw, are you kidding me, man?

We shared a twin futon when we roomed up in Jersey.

Remember that? Trying to put a new vitamin out there.

Testing it on ourselves.

R-remember how you grew that lustrous arm hair?

[Laughing] It kept getting caught on my watch.

[Laughing] That's right.

Uh-oh!

Eddie, how you doing?!

I'm Emery.

It's Uncle Barry.

I've never seen you before.

I wasn't born when you were my dad's friend.

You're raising kings, Louis.

You're raising kings.

Uh-oh!

Lady J!

We're not giving you any money, Barry.

Well, your hands look soft and young, girl.

[Door slams] She's kidding.

She knows you're not here to ask for money.

Right?

Aw, come on.

Barry's ballin' now.

I sell new and used goods at a flexible price for people worldwide.

Good for you. [Laughs]

You know what? Only in town for a few days.

Then I'll be out of your hair in no time.

But as a token of my appreciation...

You ready?

It's a wooden elephant from Bhutan.

Barry, you shouldn't have.

Babar was based on him.

Babar was a French elephant who went on adventures.

He we... he went to jail, went to Hawaii.

All those places.

Wow.

[Door opens, closes]

What are you doing?

I cut Honey off. It's over.

But she's your friend.

[Sighs] You know how I get when somebody crosses the line.

I can't forgive them.

I know. I'm reminded every day.

You probably don't even remember why you cut these people off.

That one went off-registry.

That one tried to upstage me with her hairdo.

And that one married a man wealthier than you.

Why do you even still have this photo?

Because I look amazing.

You know, if you keep cutting people off, you're not gonna have any friends.

Well, I would rather have no friends than too many.

You could stand to cut a few people off.

One in particular.

Jessica.

You haven't seen Barry in years.

He's an idiot, and you guys shared a room in New Jersey for barely two months.

Those were a crazy two months, though.

We invented a vitamin and played tons of basketball.

[Knock on door]

Hi, Honey.

My mom asked me to return the things you left at our house.

Do you believe this, Evan?

Your mom's cutting me out of her life like I'm nothing to her.

I was told not to engage with you.

Okay.

Fine.

I'll just give her back her things.

You won't find anything.

Chinese people take care of their possessions.

Be good to yourself, Honey.

I always liked you.

How did she look?

Did she look sad?

Actually, she looked great. She jogs a lot.

[Sighs] Well, was anybody else there?

Deidre? Carol-Joan?

Was she having book club?

I don't understand.

I thought she was your best friend.

There is no such thing as a best friend.

That's just something Hello Kitty made up to sell more Hello Kitty.

[Bell ringing]

Hey. Where you been?

[Sighs] I haven't seen you in forever.

Oh, my God. You won't believe what Becca G. Just ate.

We're in the cafeteria...

Babe, I just got to my locker.

Can I please just have two minutes to unwind?

Yeah, of course.

You seem tired.

Are you not getting enough sleep or eating enough protein?

I just want to put away my math book, clean out the cheez-its from my bag, and say "what's up" to fat Joe.

You're cranky.

I'm working a lot, okay?

I'm working... a bunch.

I didn't know that. Where are you working?

I can't tell you.

Why not?

Well, mom, I can't tell you.

You know what?

I don't like you like this.

And for your information, she ate a spider.

Who did?

Becca G.!

Rebecca!

Gonzalez!

[Sighs]

Barry: And she said, "there are no nuns here by that name."

Wait, she was "Sister Act"-ing you?

Oh, see, you get me, Louis.

I do.

Which brings me to this.

Remember that idea I had about selling new and used goods at a flexible price?

Yes.

Well, I'm trying to find investors.

Which is why I'm in town.

And I figure, why not bring my boy Louis in on the ground floor?

Barry, I thought you weren't going to ask me for money this time.

Louis, I'm not asking you for money.

I'm asking you to invest in a business.

A viable business.

Barry, we're sitting in a business I'm invested in.

This is your place?

Yes!

Oh, in that case, I'll have the tomahawk chop, medium rare, grill lines on both sides, please.

Who are you talking to?

Whoever's in charge of the chops.

Okay, so is this used goods thing a legitimate business?

How many other investors are there?

Well, no one has committed per se, but there are some interested parties.

Um, there's a frenchman in New Delhi.

That's it?

Yeah.

You and a frenchman in New Delhi.

[Chuckles]

And, surprise, Louis calls and Barry's flight is delayed.

I don't understand why he lets this guy take advantage of him.

Um, can we go to our room?

We're halfway through a lite-brite clown.

Unless... You want to join us?

No, no, you go ahead.

[Applause]

Just watching "Wheel" by yourself, huh?

You know, even back in D.C., I never saw you with any friends.

Where are all your friends?

Why?

Are you lonely?

Yes, you do.

[Knock on door]

So, you were saying?

Excuse me?

Earlier, you were saying something about a cabbage-soup diet?

Are... are you seriously trying to act like you didn't just end our friendship?

I decided to forgive you.

[Laughs]

Well, I don't forgive you.

You were dismissive of all of my ideas.

You dropped me without a second thought.

You sent your son to return my things.

And... and... and one thing's not even mine!

What is this?

I-is this some sort of warning?

Okay, fine.

We can do your mini quiches and bacon.

But no team-trust-falls workshop.

If I fall on somebody, I want them to die.

Jessica, I am tired of you not treating me like an equal.

I can flip houses on my own.

You were right.

We're done-zo.

[Genesis fussing]

It's okay.

Can you organize these booties, please?

What's with the frown, B.?

You know I can't have that negative energy around Genesis.

Girl trouble.

Extrapolate.

Her birthday's on Saturday, and that's the only reason why I took this job...

So I can get her this.

Yo! Is that one of those necklaces that sing?

Why's everybody got to talk about what the necklace don't do?!

Anyway, she might not even be my girlfriend anymore.

I'm working so much, I don't see her.

And when I do, I'm too tired.

And I can't tell her why because of your Oprah muzzle.

I know what you need... To chill.

Let's take a trip out to my greenhouse.

♪ Yeah ♪

Welcome to my horticultural wonderland of rare and exotic orchids.

Do you smoke them?

What?! [Scoffs]

No, I love 'em.

This is Beatrice.

This is Citadelle. And this is Denise.

O-kay?

When I first started growing orchids, I thought they needed the most expensive soil and lights to blossom.

And they d*ed.

That's when I realized that all they really needed was time and attention.

You don't need to get your girl a gift.

You need to give her your time.

Are any of these flowers boys, or are they all girls?

Girls?

These are women.

Turn the lights off!

Are you hiding?

Yes, from Barry.

He asked me for money. You were right about him.

Well, I was wrong about Honey.

Let me guess... she didn't accept your forgiveness?

No, she didn't.

I walked in there, I acted like nothing happened, and I forgave her, and she didn't accept it.

Did you say you were sorry?

You know I didn't.

Well, apologize to her.

Well, what would I even say?

Uh, "I'm sorry"?

Look, I know you care about her.

You just need to show her your friendship matters.

Well, you need to show Barry his friendship doesn't.

I'm gonna cut him off.

I'm just thinking about how to do it.

Just rip off the band-aid.

You know I don't like to rip off band-aids.

I like to wet them for a few days and hopefully they just come off in the shower.

Get out. Come on.

L-train!

I'm gonna need you to go on a Mayo run.

Barry, there's not gonna be a Mayo run.

I'm not giving you any money for your business, and you need to find somewhere else to stay.

How you gonna do me like that?

We're friends, Louis!

Are we? What's my last name?

Train?

Barry, I'm cutting you off.

You're gonna miss out on an amazing business opportunity.

I don't think I'm gonna lose sleep over your garagesale.com.

For your information, it's called Ebay.

Dumb name!

[Door closes]

[Piccolo plays]

♪ I ain't got nothing to lose ♪
♪ Young man went out and made a name for himself ♪
♪ DMX the great ♪
♪ The brother got the rap ♪
♪ Dr. Seuss ♪
♪ Did what I had to to get where I got ♪
♪ Though I'll admit what I had to do was a lot ♪
♪ I still gave it a sh*t, and sometimes I had to sh**t ♪

Oh, my God.

Is that DMX?

I've been arranging "Ghetto Life" for the piccolo.

I actually wrote "Ghetto Life" on the piccolo.

You hear that, Genesis?

Anything is possible.

I'm gonna need you to walk soon, sweetie.

[Coos]

Happy Birthday.

I'm sorry I've been such a jerk lately.

I've been trying to get you some stupid expensive necklace, but DMX helped me realize it's not about presents, it's about presence.

Oh, I'd rather have a necklace.

Psych!

DMX drove his el-do to my house!

This is the best birthday gift I've ever gotten!

Take care of Tomiko.

And be sure to use fertilizer without urea.

♪ The brother got the rap ♪

And that's how bagel mondays can turn into productive Tuesdays.

Okay, we're gonna shift gears a little bit and have some fun with some role-play improv exercises.

We call this jobprov, because success doesn't come with a script.

Okay, I need two volunteers to help us get started.

Yes, blonde lady in the front.

And...

Jessica: Oh, she's married, you perverts.

I volunteer.

Great.

So, in this scene, you are a customer returning a walkman to a manager at circuit city.

And... Jobprov!

What are you doing here?

Showing you your friendship matters.

But you hate this stuff.

You think it's a waste of money.

I do.

But you don't.

And we're partners.

I'm sorry, Honey.

I'm sorry, too.

I miss you.

Hello Kitty was right.

There is such a thing as a best friend.

[Chuckles]

Hello Kitty.

Frog best friend Keroppi.

[Chuckles]

And... Scene.

Okay. That was terrible.

Really just the worst.

There was no walkman.

Even if there was, I don't know why she's returning it.

Apparently there are no doors at this circuit city, if that's even where we were, because nobody mentioned it.

And from an H.R. standpoint, a long interracial same-sex hug?

Now, this is exactly why Arby's is a shadow of its former self.

I [Laughs]

[Scoffs]

Once Jerry finishes installing the water heater, we will be all set for the open house.

Thank you for going back to the original list date.

No, you were right.

It would have been silly to wait three months.

Madame Xing doesn't know everything.

Okay, so, good news... Water heater fit perfectly.

Bad news... you guys have black mold all through your attic.

Black mold?

Oh, yeah.

And it is a serious health hazard.

I don't even want to be standing here, breathing this air.

Like, I need to get out.

Okay, but it is absolutely illegal for you to sell this house until you have it removed.

But how long will that take?

About three months.

No way.

We just got Xing'd.